All language subtitles for TOC 1968

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

FELIX: A room, please.
- You alone?

- Yeah.
CLERK: Luggage?

How long you want it for?

Not very long.

Five dollars.

307.

Uh, haven't you anything higher?

Higher?

914?

Good night.

Goodbye.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh.

[GROANING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

- [INAUDIBLY] What will you have?
- [INAUDIBLY] What?

- What will you have?
- Scotch.

Thank you.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Oh, no.

Ante.

ALL:
Ante up.

[CARDS SHUFFLING]

Excuse me. Aren't you the one
they call the Cincinnati Kid?

You don't like it, get a machine.

Jeez, it stinks in here.

- What time is it?
- Again, "what time is it"?

I'd like to know what time it is.

You're winning $95.
Where the hell you running?

- I'm not running, I just asked what time it was.
- It's 10:30.

- I gotta leave by 12.
- Oh, heh.

I told you that when I sat down.
I gotta leave by 12.

Murray, didn't I say that when I sat down?
I said I gotta leave by 12.

Don't talk to him. He's dealing.

Wanna rest for a while, Murray?
Go lie down, sweetheart.

You want speed or accuracy?
Make up your mind.

Hey, you wanna do me a really big favor?
Smoke towards New Jersey.

No kidding. I'm really worried about Felix.
He's never been this late before.

Maybe somebody should call.

Hey, Oscar. Why don't you call Felix?

Why don't we chip in $3 apiece and buy
another window? How can you breathe in here?

How many cards you got? Four?

Yes, Murray. We all have four cards.
When you give us one more, we'll all have five.

If you gave us two more, we'd all have six.
You understand how it works?

Is Oscar playing or not?

Hey, Oscar!

- Yeah?
MURRAY: Hey, Oscar, you in or out?

Out, pussycat. Out.

I told my wife I'd be home by 1, the latest.

We're making an 8:00 plane to Florida.
I told you that when I sat down.

Who goes to Florida in July?

Well, it's off-season.

There's no crowds, and you get the best room
for one-tenth the price. No cards.

Some vacation.
Six cheap people in an empty hotel.

Dealer takes four.

Hey, you think maybe Felix is sick?
I mean, he's never been this late before.

This is the same garbage
from last week's game.

I'm beginning to recognize things.

- I'm out.
- Two kings.

Straight.

Hey, maybe he's in his office
locked in the john again. Ha, ha.

Did you know that Felix was once
locked in the john overnight? Yeah.

He wrote out his entire will
on a half a roll of toilet paper.

[MURRAY & ROY CHUCKLE]

What a nut.

Don't play with your chips. I'm asking nice.
Don't play with your chips.

I'm not playing, I'm counting.
Leave me alone, will you?

If you stop playing with your chips.
I can't stand a guy who plays with his chips.

It's my house, Vinnie. You wanna play
with your chips, you play with them.

- I'm in for a quarter.
- Aren't you gonna look at your cards first?

What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway.

- Who gets a Pepsi?
- I get a Pepsi.

My friend Murray the policeman
gets a warm Pepsi.

Still didn't fix the refrigerator?

It's been two weeks now.
No wonder it stinks in here.

Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging,
I'd go back with my wife.

I'm out. Who wants food?

What do you got?

I got brown sandwiches and, uh,
green sandwiches.

- Which one do you want?
- What's the green?

- It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
- I'll take the brown.

- You crazy? You're not gonna eat that, are you?
- I'm hungry.

His refrigerator's been out of order
for two weeks.

I saw milk standing in there
that wasn't in a bottle.

What are you, some kind of a health nut?
Eat, Murray.

I got six cards.

- That figures, I got three aces.
- Misdeal.

- You want some peanuts?
- Know who makes good sandwiches? Felix.

Ever taste his cream cheese and pimento
on date-nut bread?

All right, make up your mind,
poker or recipes.

VINNIE: Aw, hey, Oscar.
Hey, Oscar, you got beer all over my glasses.

- For crying out loud.
- You got it on the chips.

- Come on.
- You got it all over me now!

SPEED: Is everybody gonna stand here
or we gonna play some poker?

- What is this? Here.
MURRAY: You got it on the suits.

OSCAR: Don't worry about it.
- Don't put it in the middle of the table.

- Put it on the side.
SPEED: Wipe the cards.

VINNIE: Get the bill. Right there.
OSCAR: Spill a little beer...

- How can you play like this?
VINNIE: Wipe the middle. You didn't get there.

- Come on, let's play some poker here.
OSCAR: Thank you.

- What's the game?
- Who's playing here?

- Vinnie, tell Oscar what time you're leaving.
- Twelve o'clock.

We got 10 minutes
before the next announcement.

All right, this is five-card stud.

[SINGS IN OPERATIC VOICE]
Five-card studarino

A red lady, a deuce, cuatro...

...a big ace for the policeman. Bet.

Wait a minute, the pot's shy.
Who didn't put in a quarter?

- You didn't.
- You got a big mouth.

Just for that, lend me $20.

I just loaned you $20.
Borrow from somebody else.

- I keep winning my own money back.
- You owe everybody.

- If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.
- I'm through being the nice guy.

You owe me $6.00 apiece for the buffet.

ALL:
What buffet?

Buffet. Hot beer and two sandwiches left over
from when you went to high school.

What do you want at a poker game,
a tomato surprise?

Murray, lend me $20, or I'll call your wife and
tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey, maybe that's Felix.

- Pair of 6's.
VINNIE: Three deuces.

MURRAY: Ugh.
- Why didn't you go to Florida last night?

Oscar the poker player.

VINNIE:
If that's my wife, tell her I'm leaving at 12.

You look at your watch once more,
you get the peanuts in your face. Deal.

- Cut.
- Would you talk up? I can't hear you. Who?

[MEN CHATTERING]

Dabby? Dabby who?
No, there's no Dabby here.

Oh, "Daddy." For crying out loud, it's my kid.

Brucey. How are you, baby? Huh?

Yes, it's... No, I couldn't...

No, there's a lot of boys here.
We're playing. Huh?

Boys, fellas, give me a break, will you?

My 5-year-old kid is calling from California.
It must be costing him a fortune.

- How have you been, honey?
SPEED: Okay, deal.

Yes. Yes, I got your letter.

Yes. It took three weeks.

Next time, you tell Mommy
to give you a stamp.

Yeah, I know, honey,
but you're not supposed to draw it on.

[CHUCKLES]

- You hear this? You hear?
- Yeah, we hear, we hear. We're all thrilled.

Huh? Huh? Oh, Mommy wants to talk to me?

All right, sweetheart.
I love you, soldier. Goodbye.

- Ante a dollar.
- Cost you $1 to play, Oscar. You got $1?

Not after I get through talking to this lady.

Hello, Blanche. How are you?

Yeah, I got a good idea why you're calling.
I'm a week behind with the check, right?

Four weeks? It's not possible.

Because it's not possible. Blanche,
I keep a record of every check in my files here...

...and I happen to know
I'm only three weeks behind.

Look, don't threaten me with jail,
Blanche, because it's not a threat.

With my expenses and my alimony,
a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.

Very nice language in front of the children.

[LINE CLICKS]

I'm $800 behind in alimony.

- Let's raise the stakes.
- She can do it.

- Do what?
- Throw you in jail.

Ah, but if she can't call me once a week
to aggravate me, she's not happy.

Aren't you worried about the kids?

The kids are living in their grandfather's house
with a pool in California.

- Can we play cards?
- I told you you'd get into trouble.

You don't know how to manage anything.
I'm your accountant.

If you're my accountant,
how come I need money?

How come you play poker?

- I need money.
- You always lose.

- That's why I need money.
- Then don't play.

Then don't come to my house
and eat my potato chips.

- Wise guy. Potato chips.
- Beautiful. Beautiful.

- Look at that.
- Wonderful.

What are you yelling about?
We're playing a friendly game.

SPEED:
Who's playing? We've been talking since 8.

VINNIE:
Since 7. When I said I was gonna quit at 12.

SPEED:
How'd you like a banana right in the mouth?

MURRAY:
All right. All right. All right! Calm down!

Calm down! Take it easy.

I'm a cop, you know.
I could arrest the whole lousy game.

My friend Murray is right.
Let's just play cards.

And please hold them up.
I can't see where I marked them.

[PHONE RINGING]

He owes money to his wife, government,
friends, and he still won't take it seriously.

Life goes on, even for those of us
who are divorced, broke and sloppy.

Hello. Divorced, broke and sloppy.

Hello, sweetheart.

Yes, darling.

[CHUCKLES]

Yes. Listen, darling,
I told you not to call me during the game.

I can't talk to you now.

[LAUGHING]

You know I do, darling.

Yeah.

Hold on just a second. Murray, it's your wife.

[MEN LAUGHING]

I wish you were having an affair with her.
Then she wouldn't bother me. Hello, Mimi.

[IN FALSETTO]
"What time are you coming home?"

- [IN DEEP VOICE] "About 12:00, 12:30."
- About 12:00, 12:30.

Why, what do you want, Mimi?

A corned-beef sandwich
and a strawberry malted?

- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Is she pregnant again?
- No, just fat. Ha-ha-ha.

How could you hear that?
I had the phone over my chest.

Who, Felix? No, he didn't show up tonight.
What's wrong?

You're kidding.

No. How should I know?

All right. All right, Mimi.
I'll take care of it. Goodbye.

- What did I tell you? Felix is missing.
- What do you mean, missing?

He didn't show up for work, didn't come home.
Nobody knows where he is.

Mimi just spoke to his wife.

Wait a minute.
No one is missing for one day.

- Maybe he had an accident.
- They would've heard.

If he's laying in a gutter,
who would know who he is?

He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet.

The minute something happens to him,
America lights up.

I'll call his wife.

I thought he looked edgy
the last couple of weeks.

Didn't you think he looked edgy?

No. I thought you looked edgy.

Frances. How are you? Oscar.

- Yeah. Yeah, I just heard.
- Tell her not to worry.

- She's probably hysterical.
- You know women.

Listen, Frances,
the most important thing is not to worry.

- Oh. She's not worried.
- Sure.

Listen, Frances, do you have any idea
at all where he could be?

You what?

You're kidding.

Oh, no. I...

I didn't know.

Yeah.

No, he never told me. Yeah.

All right.

Yeah. All right, listen, Frances,
you just sit tight...

...and the minute I hear anything,
I'll let you know. Right.

Okay. Goodbye.

You gonna tell us,
or do we hire a private detective?

- They broke up.
ROY: Who?

"Who?" Felix and Frances who.

They broke up.
The entire marriage is through.

You're kidding.

After 12 years?

VINNIE:
They were such a happy couple.

He'll go to pieces. I know Felix.
He's gonna go try something crazy.

That's all he ever used to talk about.
His wife and kids.

He'll kill himself. Hear what I'm saying?
He's gonna kill himself.

Would you shut up, Murray?
Stop being a cop for two minutes.

- Where'd he go, Oscar?
- He went out to kill himself.

- What did I tell you?
- Are you serious?

That's what she said. He didn't wanna do it
at home because the kids were sleeping.

VINNIE: Why?
- Why? Because Felix is a nut, that's why.

Is that what he said? In those words?
"I'm gonna kill myself"?

I don't know in what words.
She didn't read it to me.

- He left her a note?
- No, he sent a telegram.

A suicide telegram?
Who sends a suicide telegram?

Felix the nut, that's who.

Can you imagine getting a thing like that?
She even has to tip the kid a quarter.

[YELPS]

Maybe he's bluffing.
We get these cases every day.

All they want is a little sympathy.

We got a guy who calls every Saturday
from the George Washington Bridge.

You never can tell
what a guy will do when he's hysterical.

- Nah. Nine times out of 10, they don't jump.
- What about the 10th time?

They jump. He's right. There's a possibility.

Not with Felix. I know him.
He's too nervous to kill himself.

He wears his seat belt in the drive-in movie.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Of course. If you're gonna kill yourself,
where's the safest place to do it?

With your friends. Open the door.

The guy may be hysterical. Let's play it
nice and easy. If we're calm, he'll be calm.

That's what they do
to those guys out on the ledge.

- What are we gonna say to him?
- Nothing.

Are you through with this discussion?
He already could've hung himself in the hall.

Vinnie, open the door.

- Remember, like we don't know nothing.
- Okay.

VINNIE: Oh, hi, Felix.
- Hi...

Hey, fellas.

- Hi, Fel.
- Hi, Felix.

How's the game going?

MURRAY: Good.
VINNIE & SPEED: Very nice.

Good, good.

- Sorry I'm late.
OSCAR: Mm.

There any...? Ahem. Any ginger ale left?

- Ginger ale?
- Yeah.

Gee, no, I don't think so, Fel.
I got some root beer.

Nope.

Felt like a ginger ale.

Somehow, I don't feel like a root beer...

...tonight.

What's the bet?

Uh, you bet a quarter. It's up to Murray.
Murray, what do you say?

Murray?

- Murray.
- Tap his shoulder.

- What? What?
- It's up to you.

- Why's it always up to me?
- It's not always up to you.

- What do you do?
- I'm in.

SPEED:
Okay.

Um, anybody call about me?

Call about you? No.

No, not that I can remember.

Why, were you expecting a call?

Uh, did anyone call for Felix?

MURRAY: No.
VINNIE: No, I don't think so.

Were you expecting a call?

Uh, no, I was just asking.

OSCAR:
I raise a dollar.

SPEED: Costs me a dollar and a quarter, right?
OSCAR: Right.

Just thought somebody might have called.

Nobody called, nobody called.

Uh, what does it cost me to play again?

A dollar and a quarter.
For God's sake, pay attention.

ROY: All right, take it easy.
OSCAR: Calm down.

- Calm down.
- I can't help it. He makes me nervous.

I make you nervous?
You make everybody nervous.

- I'm sorry, forgive me. I'll kill myself.
- Murray!

Oh, sorry.

That's a pretty view from here.
What is it, 12 floors?

No.

No, it's only 11 floors, that's all.

See, it's only 11 floors.

It says 12, but it's really only 11.

Gee, it's chilly in here.

Isn't it chilly in here?

SPEED: Yes, it is a little.
ROY: Very chilly.

- Wanna sit and play, Felix? It's still early.
- Sure, we're in no rush.

We're gonna be here till 3, 4 in the morning.

I don't know,
I just don't feel much like playing right now.

What do you feel like doing?

I don't know.

I'll think of something.

- Where you going?
- To the john.

Alone?

I always go alone. Why?

No reason.

You gonna be in there long?

As long as it takes.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Are you crazy,
letting him go to the john alone?

- Suppose he tries to kill himself?
- How?

- What do you mean? Razor blades, poison.
- That's the kids' bathroom.

Worst he could do
is brush his teeth to death.

- He could jump.
- Right. Isn't there a window?

Yeah, it's only 6 inches wide.

He could break the glass.
He could cut his wrists.

He could flush himself into the East River.
He's not gonna try anything.

Shh, shh. Listen. Listen.

[FELIX CRYING]

He's crying.

You hear that? He's crying.

Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes,
Oscar, do something. Say something.

What do you say to a man
crying in your bathroom?

[LOCK CLICKS]

Shh. He's coming.
He's coming. He's coming.

He's coming.

Sit down. Sit down.

[SNIFFS THEN CLEARS THROAT]

Well, I guess I'll just be running along.

[SOBS]

- Oh, Felix.
OSCAR: Felix.

- Come here, Felix.
- Felix, wait a minute.

I can't to you, fellas. I can't talk to anyone.

MURRAY:
Felix, we're your best friends.

VINNIE: Relax.
- Ow! Fellas, please, no!

OSCAR: Talk to us.
- There's nothing to talk about.

There's just nothing to say, Oscar. It's over.

- Will you let me go, please?
OSCAR: Let him go.

Leave me alone.

MURRAY:
Stop him! Stop him!

VINNIE: Come back here!
MURRAY: Stop him!

Felix! Get him!

VINNIE: Get him!
- Felix!

ROY: Felix! Felix!
- Watch out. Watch out. Back off.

- Back off.
SPEED: Let him break the door down.

OSCAR:
Break it in.

Felix! He jumped.

OSCAR: What?
- I tell you, he jumped.

FELIX:
Ow. My back.

Oh. My back. My back.

My back.

Oh! The back.

[GROANING]

Will you leave me alone?

- Oh. Ow, my stomach.
OSCAR: What's the matter with your stomach?

Nothing's the matter with my stomach.
I didn't take anything. Leave me alone.

- What did you take?
- Nothing. I didn't take anything.

Don't tell Frances what I did.

- He took pills.
MURRAY: How many pills?

- What kind of pills?
- Little green ones out of her medicine cabinet.

- Don't call Frances.
VINNIE: I won't.

- When did you take these pills?
- You promise?

A couple of hours ago. You won't call her?

VINNIE: I won't call her.
- How many pills did you take?

I can't remember. I think a whole bottle.

ROY: A whole bottle?
MURRAY: A whole bottle of pills?

- My God, get an ambulance!
- We don't even know what kind.

He took a whole bottle.

Maybe they were vitamins.
He could be the healthiest one in the room.

Walk him around. Don't let him go to sleep.

- Will you please...?
VINNIE: Open his collar. Open the window.

- Watch my back! Ow!
- Keep the circulation going.

FELIX: Look, I'm all right.
OSCAR: One doctor at a time!

- All the interns shut the hell up!
- You didn't call Frances, did you?

The bathroom,
get his head under the cold shower.

My arm! Watch my arm!

- Watch my arm!
- Easy.

No, please, will you...? Ow! Cut it out!

We gotta get the pills out.

The pills are out. I threw up before.

FELIX:
Hmm, hmm.

Twelve years. Twelve years.

Did you know I was married 12 years, Roy?

- Yes, Felix, I knew.
- It's over just like that. That's hysterical.

Maybe it was just a fight.
You've had fights before, Felix.

No, no, no. It's over.
She's getting a lawyer tomorrow.

My cousin. She's using my cousin.

Who am I gonna get?

It's okay, Felix.

All right, all right, let's not stand around
looking at him. Let's break it up. Break it up.

Yeah, don't stand there looking at me.
I'm ashamed.

Come on, fellas, let's call it a night.
He's all right.

It's all right, Felix. We understand.

Don't tell anybody about this.
Now, you promise me.

I'm going to Florida tomorrow.

- Oh, that's nice. Have a good time.
- Thanks.

We were going to Florida next winter without
the kids. Now they're going without me.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, come on, boys, huh?

ROY & VINNIE: Good night, Oscar.
- [WHISPERING] Maybe one of us should stay.

- [WHISPERING] That's okay, Murray.
- Suppose he tries something again?

- He won't try anything again.
- How do you know?

I'm not gonna try anything again.
I'm very tired.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You hear? He's very tired.
He's had a busy night.

- Good night, fellas.
SPEED & ROY: Good night.

- If anything happens, Oscar, just call me.
- Yeah.

I'm three blocks away.
I can be here in five minutes.

If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel
in Miami Beach.

- You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.
- Good.

- Oscar.
- Yeah?

- Are you sure?
- I'm sure.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Good night, Felix. Get a good night's sleep.

I guarantee you things are gonna look
a lot brighter in the morning.

[WHISPERS]
Take away his belt and his shoelaces.

Oh, Felix, Felix, Felix.

I know, I know, I know.

I know.

Oscar...

...what am I gonna do, huh?

We'll talk about it later.

Come on. Get something to eat first.
You like some nice hot Ovaltine?

The terrible thing is I still love her, you know?
I always loved her.

How about some vanilla wafers
or Vienna Fingers or some Mallomars?

You like a nice box of chocolate Mallomars?
I got everything in here.

FELIX:
We had so much together.

We had two beautiful kids, a beautiful home.

Whoever had more beautiful kids
or a more beautiful home?

- Nobody. Nobody.
- It's 12 years of marriage down the drain.

Drains can be fixed.
That's why we have plumbers.

Get me a pot under the sink, will you?

It's not fair.

Damn it, it's not fa...

[YELPS]

- What's the matter?
- My neck.

My neck. I got a nerve spasm in my neck.

Just take it easy. Show me where it hurts.

I can't straighten it out.
Don't touch me. Don't touch me.

- I just wanna see where it hurts.
- No, no, no. It's tension. I must be tense.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Aah! Ow. Ow. Aah!

Relax, damn it. Relax.

Don't yell at me. Ow. Ow.

- Does that hurt?
- Oh. No. It feels good. Unh.

You make the same sounds for pain
or happiness.

I know. I know. Heh.

- I think I'm crazy.
- If it'll make you feel any better, I think so too.

Doesn't take much. The first sign of anything
going wrong, and I fall to pieces like that.

Don't stop. It feels good when you rub.

Listen, if you don't relax,
I'm gonna break my fingers.

Look at this, will you? The only man
in the world with clenched hair.

Bend over.

- Ah.
- Just bend over. Attaboy.

Okay, now hold still.

Now, if this hurts, Felix, tell me,
because I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

[FELIX GRUNTING]

[FELIX WHEEZING]

What's that noise?

I can't breathe. It must be the dust.
Open the window. Get some fresh air.

Oh, no. We're not opening any windows
on the 11 th floor.

To get some fresh air,
we'll go downstairs for a walk.

[FELIX CONTINUES WHEEZING]

I wish I were like you, Oscar. Strong.

But I'm weak. And I admit it. I'm weak, weak.

You'll outlive today's entire generation.
You want a lick?

You don't understand.
I'm nothing without my wife and kids.

You don't... I'm nothing.

You're not nothing. You're something.
You're a person.

You're flesh and blood and bones and hair
and nails and ears.

You're not a fish. You're not a buffalo.
You're you.

You walk and talk and cry and complain...

...and eat little green pills
and send suicide telegrams.

No one else does that, Felix. No one.

I'm telling you,
you're the only one of its kind in the world.

You've stained me.

Chocolate ice cream stains. That's a stain.

- Ice cream doesn't stain.
- Oh, vanilla and coffee don't stain.

Chocolate does. That's a stain.

OSCAR: Felix, leave that alone, will you?
You're gonna get a water stain.

That's not gonna come out.
That's a permanent stain.

You ready to order now?

- Oh, hi.
- Hey, there's my little pussycat.

Come over here, darling.

For a tip, I'm gonna leave you the key
to my apartment.

- Is it informal, or can I bring my husband?
- Never mind. I can't wait that long.

How about five quick minutes
behind the cash register?

[OSCAR SNORTING]

[WAITRESS SHRIEKS THEN LAUGHS]

If you bite, I can't write.

- What will you have?
- A cup of hot tea for me, please.

Cup of hot tea for Diamond Jim Brady.
You gonna eat anything?

Let's see. I just had an ice cream.

Give me a corned beef on rye, all fat,
and a high-calorie cream soda.

[BABY-TALKS]
Isn't she cute?

[OSCAR LAUGHING]

If you don't try, how you gonna find out?

Exactly. It's very easy for you and me, Oscar.

We're men. We're out in the world.
We can meet new people.

- What about Frances?
- What about Frances?

Divorce is much harder on the woman.
She's alone with the kids, stuck in the house.

How's she gonna meet somebody now,
at her age, with two kids? And where?

I don't know.
Maybe someone will come to the door.

- Felix, can we stop talking about Frances?
- What would you like me to do, just forget her?

How do you wipe out 12 years of marriage
just like that?

You don't. Those are the facts.
You gotta face it.

You can't spend the rest of your life crying.
It annoys people in the movies.

[SHIVERS]

OSCAR: What's the matter?
- Too cold. It's the air conditioning.

Why do they always turn those up so high?
I'll probably get the flu.

OSCAR: Want me to ask them for a blanket?
- You gotta be careful with air conditioning.

Frances and I got one.
I never let her turn it on in the summer.

- Oh. She must be crazy about that.
FELIX: Come on.

- Where you going?
- Come on. Let's move to another table.

[SNORTS]

- Excuse me.
- Aha, oh, I knew it.

[FELIX SNORTING AND GRUNTING]

What's the matter now?

Oh. I got this... My ears are filling up.
I got this sinus condition.

It's the change in temperature.
I always get it from air conditioning.

[FELIX SNORTING AND GRUNTING]

- Maybe it'll go away.
FELIX: No. It's all part of my allergies.

- I get them in the summer.
- Only in the summer?

In the winter too. I get them all year long.

I'm allergic to foods and pillows
and curtains and perfumes. Heh.

Can you imagine that? Allergic to perfumes.
That used to drive Frances crazy.

For a while, she couldn't wear anything
except my aftershave lotion.

I was impossible to live with.

[FELIX YELLING AND SNORTING]

Stop that, will you? What are you doing?

I'm trying to clear up my ears. Fmah.

You create a pressure inside your head.
It opens up the eustachian tubes.

[YELLING AND SNORTING]

[FELIX SIGHS]

Did it open up?

Uh-huh.

I think I strained my throat.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[FELIX SNIFFS THEN GRUNTS]

[FELIX CLEARING THROAT]

Felix, will you leave yourself alone?
Don't tinker.

I know.

I can't help it. I drive everybody crazy.

A marriage counselor
once kicked me out of his office.

Wrote on my chart "lunatic."

It takes two to make a rotten marriage.

You don't know what I was like at home.

I'm a compulsive cleaner.

Always cleaning up after Frances.

Then I'd go into the kitchen
and recook her meals...

...because I'm also a much better cook
than she is.

I cooked myself right out of a marriage.

Stupid damned idiot.

Ah. Hey, Felix, don't do that.
You'll get a headache.

I can't stand it anymore. It's just...

I hate me.

Oh, boy, do I hate me.

Eh, you don't hate you. You love you.

- You think no one else has problems like you.
- I thought you were my friend.

I am. That's why I can talk this way,
because I love you almost as much as you do.

Then why don't you help?

Help? How can I help you
when I can't even help myself?

You think you're impossible
to live with? Heh.

Blanche used to say,
"What time do you want dinner?"

I'd say, "I don't know. I'm not hungry."

Then 3:00 in the morning,
I'd wake her up and I'd say, "Now."

I've been one of the highest-paid sportswriters
in the East for the past 14 years.

We saved $8.50 in pennies.
I'm never home. I gamble.

I burn cigar holes in furniture, drink like a fish,
lie to her every chance I get.

Then for our 10th wedding anniversary,
I took her...

...to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings
hockey game, where she got hit by a puck.

I still can't figure out why she left me.
That's how impossible I am.

Come on, let's get out of here.
The muggers will be here soon.

I don't think I can take it living alone, Oscar.

In two weeks, I'll go to pieces.
How will I work? How will I make a living?

OSCAR: You'll go on street corners and cry.
They'll throw nickels at you. You'll work.

Tonight you'll sleep here.

Tomorrow you get your clothes
and electric toothbrush and move in with me.

It's your apartment. I'll just be in the way.

Ah, there's eight rooms. We could go
for a year without seeing each other.

I want you to move in.

- Why? I'm a pest.
- I know. You don't have to keep telling me.

- Why you want me to move in?
- Because I can't stand living alone, that's why.

For crying out loud, I'm proposing to you.
What do you want, a ring?

Oscar, if you mean it,
there's a lot I can do around here.

I'm very handy. I know how to fix things.
I fixed my wife's hair dryer.

OSCAR:
I don't have a hair dryer. Blanche took it.

FELIX: Well, let me do something.
I gotta do something.

OSCAR: You can take my wife's initials
off the towels, anything you say.

Come here, you can sleep in here.
Brucey's room.

I can cook. You know? I'm a terrific cook.

You don't have to cook.
I got enough potato chips to last a year.

Two meals a day at home. We'll save a fortune.
We gotta pay alimony, you know.

Okay, Felix, you can cook.

- You like leg of lamb?
- Yeah.

I'll make it this weekend.

Oh, I gotta call Frances.
She's got my big pot.

Hey, will you forget Frances?
We'll get our own pots.

Don't drive me crazy before you move in here,
will you?

[PHONE RINGING]

Well, listen, Oscar, uh...

Hey, if I do anything that irritates you
or gets on your nerves...

...don't be afraid to tell me.
It's your apartment.

I don't wanna do anything to irritate you.

Hello. Oh, hello, Frances.

I'm not here. I'm not here.
You haven't heard from me.

You don't know where I've been.
You didn't see me. I didn't call. I'm not here.

Yes, he's here.

- Yes.
- How's she sound? Is she worried? Huh?

What's she saying? Is she crying?

Does she wanna speak to me?
I don't wanna talk to her.

No, no, he's gonna stay here with me.

And you can tell her I'm not coming back there,
either, because I've had it.

I've taken just as much as she has.
I'm human too, you know.

She's not the only one
that's suffered in this marriage.

- So tell her that. Go on, tell her.
- Yes, he's fine.

Don't tell her I'm fine. You heard how I was
carrying on before. I was gonna kill myself.

- Why did you tell her I'm fine?
- Yes, I understand.

- Ask her if she wants to speak to me.
- You wanna speak to him?

- Give me the phone.
- You don't wanna speak to him.

- She doesn't wanna speak to me?
- Yes, I understand. Okay, good night, Frances.

Oh...

- She doesn't want to speak to me?
- No.

Why did she call?

Wants to know when you're coming over
for your clothes.

She wants to have the room repainted.

Listen, Felix, it's almost 1:00.
Let's go to bed, huh?

She didn't wanna speak to me.

I'll get you a pair of pajamas.
You like stripes, dots or animals?

I wanna kill myself,
and she's picking out colors.

How about some slippers?
I got some house slippers for you.

I'm glad.

Because she finally made me realize it's over.

It didn't sink in until just this minute.

- Felix, I want you to go to bed.
- My marriage is really over.

Well, it doesn't seem so bad now.
I think I can live with this thing.

- Live with it tomorrow. Go to bed tonight.
- In a few minutes. I gotta think.

Gotta rearrange my life.

Felix, this is my apartment.
I make up the bedtime.

You don't understand.
I just wanna be alone for a while.

- You go to bed, I'm gonna clean up.
- You don't have to clean up.

I can't sleep with a room like this.

You go to bed. I'll see you in the morning.
I'll cook you breakfast.

OSCAR:
Listen, Felix, you're not gonna?

You're not gonna do anything big
like rolling up rugs, are you?

Heh. No. Ten minutes.
That's all I'm gonna be.

Just 10 minutes.
I'm gonna do the dishes and go to bed.

He's gonna do the dishes.

[FELIX HUMMING]

FELIX:
Hey, Oscar.

- Yeah?
- Oscar...

...I'm gonna be all right.

It may take a few days. I'm gonna be all right.

- Good. Good.
- Yeah.

- Good night, Felix.
- Good night, Frances.

OSCAR: Morning, Harry.
- Good morning.

Hey, there's my bus.
See you tonight, Oscar.

Right, Fel.

Hey, Oscar, what will I make for dinner?

[CROWD CHATTERING]

MAN [OVER PA]: The batter, Number 9,
Bill Mazeroski, second base.

UMPIRE:
Strike!

Well, that's the ballgame.

It's not over yet.

Bases loaded, Mazeroski up, ninth inning...

...you expect the Mets
to hold a one-run lead?

What's the matter,
you never heard of a triple play?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Uh-huh.

Phone for you, Madison.

I'll call them back.

He says it's an emergency.

- Yeah?
- Oscar, just called to tell you...

...don't eat any frankfurters at the ballgame.

I decided to make franks and beans
for dinner tonight.

[CROWD CHEERING]

A triple play! The Mets did it!

The greatest fielding play I ever saw!

And you missed it, Oscar! You missed it!

Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?

Take your frankfurters and!

Oscar? Hey, Oscar?

[SIREN WAILING]

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

I'm sorry I'm late.

- Wipe your feet.
- What?

If you know what's good for you,
you'd better wipe your feet.

How's the game going?

Hey, what happened to the apartment?

It's been given the Good Housekeeping
seal of approval.

Deal the cards.

- Hey, Murray.
- Ante.

- Ante up. Whatever it was.
- A quarter.

- Everybody in?
- It's a quarter.

- What are we playing?
- Seven-card.

[FELIX HUMMING]

[VINNIE CHUCKLES]

- A cold glass of beer for Roy.
- Thank you.

- Where's your coaster?
- My what?

Your coaster.
A little round thing that goes under the glass.

I think I bet it.

Here, here, here.
I knew I was winning too much.

Always try to use the coasters, fellas.

Scotch, little bit of water.

Scotch and water, and I have my coaster.

I don't wanna be a pest,
but you know what wet glasses do.

- They leave little rings on the table.
- Little rings on the table.

And we don't want little rings on the table.

And we have a nice warm sandwich
for Vinnie.

Ah, gee, it smells good. What is it?

Bacon, lettuce and tomato
on pumpernickel toast.

VINNIE: You mean you just made it?
- One, two, three.

- You put in toast and cooked bacon just for me?
- Don't like it, he'll make you meat loaf.

You know how I love to...
Eat over the dish. I just vacuumed the rug.

- Huh? Huh?
VINNIE: Mm. It's good.

Hey, Oscar, what did you want?

Two 3-and-a-half-minute eggs
and some petits fours.

Ha, ha. Oh, double gin and tonic, right?
Be with you in a minute.

- Who turned off the dehumidifier?
MURRAY: The what?

The dehumidifier. Fellas, I asked you.
Don't play with this thing.

I'm trying to get some of the grime
out of the air. Gee whiz.

Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.

I can't take it anymore. In the last three hours,
we've played four minutes of poker.

I'm not giving up Friday nights
to watch cooking and cleaning.

I can't breathe. That lousy machine
is sucking everything out of the air.

- This is delicious. Who wants a bite?
- I didn't have supper. Is the toast warm?

Perfect. And not too much mayonnaise.
It's really a well-made sandwich.

Cut me off a little piece.

Give me your napkin.
I don't wanna drop crumbs.

Martha and Gertrude at the Automat.

That thing could kill us. They'll find us
in the morning with our tongues on the floor.

Do something. Get him back into the game.

Don't come to me with your petty problems.
You get this one stinking night a week.

I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins
24 hours a day.

Felix, get in here, will you?

FELIX:
Coming.

It was better before,
with the garbage and the smoke.

- Did you notice what he does?
- What?

He cuts off the crusts.
That's why the sandwich is so light.

And only uses the soft green part of the lettuce.
It's really delicious.

- I'm going out of my mind.
- Felix, will you get in here?

- I'm not gonna ask again.
- Forget it. I'm going home.

The day his marriage busted up
was the end of our poker game.

Speed, you can't run out now.
I'm a big loser.

You got no one to blame but yourself.
It's your fault.

You're the one who stopped him
from killing himself.

He's right. That man is absolutely right.

- You gonna eat that pickle?
- I wasn't thinking of it. You want it?

- Unless you want it. It's your pickle.
- I don't usually eat pickles.

- Deal the cards.
- What did you do that for?

You wanna play poker, deal the cards.
You wanna eat, go to a delicatessen.

Keep your pickles
and sandwiches to yourself.

I'm losing $53 here,
and everybody's getting fat.

- Felix!
- What?

Close the stinking restaurant and sit down.
We got a poker game going on here.

Is it up to me...?
Who threw a pickle on my floor?

I don't think that's funny.

[ROY SNIFFING]

What is that smell? Disinfectant?

It's the cards. He washed the cards.

- I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.
- Wait a minute, Roy. Where you going?

I've been sitting here breathing cleaning fluid
and ammonia for three hours.

Nature didn't intend
for poker to be played like that.

Okay, ready to play.

- Good. We got just enough for handball.
- Where is everybody?

You got the nerve to ask that question?
I just been sterilized out of $53.

Well, I'm sorry. Is it my fault, fellas?

Aw, no.
I guess no one feels like playing tonight.

I'd better be going too. Gotta get up early.

- Bebe and I are driving to Asbury Park.
- Just the two of you?

VINNIE: Mm-hm.
- That's nice.

You always do things like that together?

We have to. I don't know how to drive.

- You coming, Murray?
- Yeah. Why not?

I gotta stop off and get Mimi a hero sandwich
and a frozen éclair.

Marriage. Heh. Those two playboys
sure got the life, huh, Vinnie?

Yeah. Some life those playboys got.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Heh. That's funny, isn't it, Oscar?

They think we're happy.

[FELIX CHUCKLES]

They think we're enjoying ourselves.
Well, they don't know.

They just don't know what it's like
living alone, do they?

I'd be immensely grateful to you, Felix,
if you didn't clean up just now.

Just a few things. But playboys, us.

Ha, ha. That's really funny.

I think they actually envy us.
Well, they should only know.

Will you leave everything alone, please?
I'm not through dirtying up for the night.

Don't you see the irony of it? Huh?

Don't you see the irony?

- Yes, I see it.
- I don't think you do. I don't think you see it.

- Felix, I'm telling you, I see the irony of it.
- Then tell me, what is it? What's the irony?

The irony is that unless we come
to some other arrangement...

...I'm gonna kill you. That's the irony of it.

- What's wrong, Oscar?
- There's something wrong with this system.

I don't think that two single men living alone
in a big eight-room apartment...

...should have a cleaner house
than my mother.

Wait. What are you talking about?
I didn't say that you have to clean up.

What you do is worse.
You're always hanging up my towels.

You follow me around with an ashtray.

Last night I found you washing the floor
and moaning, "Footprints, footprints."

I didn't say they were yours.

Well, they were mine.
I have feet, and they make prints.

You want me to climb across the cabinets?

No, I just want you to walk on the floor.

Oh. Well, I appreciate that. I really do.

All I'm trying to do is keep this place livable.
I didn't know I irritated you that much.

Leave my pictures alone.

I was just trying to even them up.

I want them uneven. They're my pictures.

Even up your own pictures.

Oh. Heh, heh.
I was wondering how long it would take.

How long what would take?

Before I got on your nerves.

I didn't say you got on my nerves.
Please don't do that.

- Same thing. You said I irritated you.
- No, you said you irritated me. I didn't say it.

- What did you say?
- I don't remember. What's the difference?

Doesn't make any difference.
I was just repeating what I thought you said.

Don't repeat what you thought I said.
Repeat what I said.

My God, that's irritating.

You see? You did say it.

I don't believe this whole conversation.

Oscar, I'm sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with me.

Don't pout. You wanna fight, we'll fight,
but don't pout.

Fighting, I win. Pouting, you win.

You're right. You're right.

Everything you say about me is right.

Don't give in so easily. I'm not always right.
Sometimes you're right.

You're right. I do that.
I always figure I'm wrong.

- This time, you are wrong and I'm right.
- Leave me alone.

- And don't sulk. That's the same as pouting.
- I know, I know.

Oh, damn me.

Why can't I do just one lousy thing right?

Why didn't you throw it?

I almost did.
Sometimes I get so insane with myself.

- Then why didn't you?
- I'm trying to control myself.

- Why are you trying to control yourself?
- What do you mean?

You were angry. You felt like throwing the cup.
Why didn't you?

Because I would still be angry
and I'd have a broken cup.

How do you know how you'd feel?
Maybe you'd feel wonderful.

Huh? Why do you have to control
every thought that comes into your head?

Why don't you let loose?

Do something that you feel like doing,
not what you think you're supposed to do.

Stop controlling yourself, Felix.

Relax. Get drunk. Get angry.

Come on! Break the lousy cup!

Ow! I hurt my arm.

You're hopeless.
You're a hopeless mental case.

I shouldn't throw with that arm.
I've got bursitis.

Why don't you live in a closet?

I'll leave your meals outside the door
and slide in the newspapers.

Oh, cut it out. I hurt easily.
That's the way I am. I can't help it.

You're not gonna cry, are you?

I think all those tears dripping on your arm
is what gave you bursitis.

Let me tell you something, Oscar.

I may not be the easiest person
in the world to live with...

...but you could've done a lot worse.
A whole lot worse.

How?

I put order in this house.

For the first time in months,
you're saving money.

You're sleeping on clean sheets,
you're eating hot meals for a change...

...and I did that.

Yes, that's right.

Then at night, after we've had
your halibut steak in your tartare sauce...

...I have to spend the rest of the evening
watching you Saran-wrap the leftovers.

Felix, when are you and I
gonna have some fun?

A little relaxation? Get out of the house?

What are you talking about? We have fun.
Eat over the plate.

Fun? Listen, getting a clear picture
on channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee.

We don't always watch TV.
Sometimes we read. Sometimes we talk.

No, no, no. I read, and you talk.
I try to work, and you talk.

I go to sleep, and you talk.

We got your life arranged pretty good,
but I'm still looking for entertainment.

- What are you saying, I talk too much?
- No, I'm not complaining.

You got a lot to say.

What's worrying me
is I'm beginning to listen.

- You're not gonna hear another peep.
- You're gonna give me a haircut, are you?

I'm gonna cut up some cabbage and greens
and make coleslaw for tomorrow.

I don't want any coleslaw.
I just wanna have some fun tonight.

- I thought you liked my coleslaw.
- I love your coleslaw.

- Uh-huh.
- I swear, I love your coleslaw.

I'll take your coleslaw with me
to work tomorrow, but not tonight.

- Let's go out of the house.
- All right, let's go.

I only make it for you. I don't like coleslaw.

If you wanted to get out,
why didn't you say so?

You think I like working and slaving
in the kitchen all day long?

Strike. Ow.

How about that? Oscar, you're right.
When you're right, you're right.

A person has to get out of the house
once in a while.

[WOMEN LAUGH]

Hmm? Ah, oh, yes, bowling.
Bowling is wonderful exercise, Felix.

But that's not the kind of relaxation
I had in mind.

- I mean, the night was made for other things.
FELIX: Like what?

Like unless I get to touch something soft
in the next two weeks, I'm in big trouble.

Oh, you mean women?

If you wanna give it a name,
all right, women.

- Funny. I haven't thought of women in weeks.
- I fail to see the humor.

[WOMEN SHRIEKING]

All I'm saying is, why don't we spend one night
talking to someone with higher voices than us?

- You mean, uh...?
- That's what I mean.

- I can't.
- Why not?

I'm just not ready for it yet.

I don't wanna discuss it, all right?
Let's bowl.

[FELIX SIGHS]

I intend to go out.
I get as lonely as the next fella...

...but I've only been separated
for a couple of weeks.

- Give me a little time.
- There isn't any time left.

I saw TV Guide,
and there's nothing on this week.

Twelve in the corner.

What am I asking you, for crying out loud?

All I wanna do is have dinner and laughs
with a couple girls.

Can't you go out yourself?
Why do you have to have me?

I may wanna come back to the apartment.

If we walk in and find you washing
the windows, it puts a damper on things.

- I'll take a pill and go to sleep.
- Why take a pill when you can take a girl?

It'd make me feel guilty.
I'm sorry, but that's why.

If it doesn't make sense to you,
it's the way I feel.

Go ahead and shoot.

Who would I call?
I don't even know any single girls.

Leave that to me.
Two sisters live in our building, English girls.

One is a widow, the other is a divorcée.
They're a barrel of laughs.

How do you know?

I was trapped in the elevator with them
last week. Please, Felix. Please just say yes.

I can call them now.
Please say yes for my sake.

If it means that much to you...

Attababy.
That's the Felix I've been waiting for.

- Wait. What do they look like?
- Don't worry, yours is very pretty.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Excuse me.

We're all set, 7:30 tomorrow night.

- Which one do I get?
- The divorcée.

- Why do I get the divorcée?
- You want the widow?

I don't want the widow. I don't want
the divorcée. I'm doing this for you.

Take whoever you want.
When they walk in, point to your choice.

I just wanna get some laughs.

What are they, old? I mean, you know, how?
Thirty? Thirty-five? Older?

What's the matter with you?
They're young kids.

Where'd you say you met them?
Did they wanna meet me?

Don't forget and suddenly call
one of them Frances.

It's Gwendolyn and Cecily.

No Frances. Gwendolyn and Cecily.

[SINGING] Rule, Britannia
Britannia, rule the waves

Supposing my kids see me?

I'm going to nightclubs with foreign girls.
I got two American kids to support.

[SIGHS]

- Where are we gonna have dinner?
- What?

Where are we gonna have dinner?

Anywhe... Anywhere you say.
Chinese, Italian...

You mean a restaurant? It will cost a fortune.

We'll cut down on laundry.
We don't wear socks on Thursdays.

- We can't afford restaurants. We'll eat here.
- Here?

I'm gonna cook. We'll save 30, 40 dollars.

What kind of a double date is that?
You'll be in the kitchen all night.

No, I won't. I put it up in the afternoon.

Once I get my potatoes in,
I got all the time in the world.

What happened to the whole new Felix?

Who are you calling?

Frances. I wanna get her recipe for meat loaf.

The girls will be crazy about it.

- I'd like fresh ground.
- That's fresh.

That's not fresh. That's packaged.
I want fresh.

- How much?
- Four pounds exactly.

Is that one ripe?

Not for tonight. Couple of days.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

[HUMMING]

OSCAR:
Hey. Beautiful.

Beautiful.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm home, dear.

Mm. Something wonderful
is going on in that kitchen.

[CHUCKLES]

No, sir, no doubt about it,
I am the luckiest man on earth.

Felix? Felix. Felix, listen. I got the wine.
Bâtard-Montrachet, six and a quarter.

You don't mind, do you, pussycat?
We can walk to work this week.

[OSCAR CHUCKLES]

No kidding, Felix. You did a great job.

One little suggestion.
Let's come down a little bit with the lights...

...and up very softly with the music, huh?

Hey, do you think Mozart goes good
with meat loaf?

[CHUCKLES]

Huh?

What's the matter, Felix? Something's wrong.
I can tell from your conversation.

All right, Felix. What is it? What is it?

What is it?

Let's start with what time you think it is.

What time? I don't know, 7:30?

Seven-thirty? Try 8:00.

All right, so it's 8:00. So?

- So you said you'd be home at 7.
- Is that what I said?

"I'll be home at 7" is what you said.

So I said I'd be home at 7 and it's 8.
So, what's the problem?

So if you knew you were gonna be late,
why didn't you call me?

Huh?

- I couldn't call you. I was busy.
- Too busy to phone? Where were you?

- I was in the office.
- In the office?

- Yes, working.
- I called your office at 7:00. You were gone.

It took me an hour to get home.
I couldn't get a cab.

Since when do they have cabs
in Hannigan's Bar?

Hey, wait a minute.

I wanna get this down on a tape recorder
because nobody's gonna believe me.

Now I gotta call you
if I'm coming home late for dinner?

Not any dinner...

...just the ones that I've been slaving over
since 5:00 this afternoon...

...to help save you money
to pay your wife's alimony.

Felix, this is no time
to have a domestic quarrel.

We got two girls coming down here
any minute.

You mean you told them to be here at 8:00?

I don't remember what I said, 7:30, 8:00.
What the hell difference does it make?

I'll tell you what difference it makes.
You told me they were gonna be here at 7:30.

You were gonna be here at 7:00,
help me with the hors d'oeuvres...

...then at 7:30 they get here
and we have cocktails.

At 8:00 we're gonna eat dinner.

Well, it's now 8:00, and my dinner's finished.
The meat loaf is done.

Now if we don't eat within 15 seconds,
the whole damn thing will be dried out!

God help me.

Never mind helping you.
Tell him to save my meat loaf.

Can't you keep it warm?

What do you think I am, the magic chef?
I'm lucky I got it to come out at 8:00...

- What am I gonna do?
- I don't know. Keep pouring gravy on it.

- What gravy?
- Don't you have any gravy?

Where am I gonna get gravy at 8:00?

I don't know.
I thought it comes when you cook the meat.

"Comes when you cook the..."

You don't know what you're talking about.

You just don't know.
You've gotta make gravy. It doesn't come.

Well, you asked my advice, so...

Your advice? You didn't even know where
this kitchen was till I showed it to you!

You wanna talk to me, buddy,
put down that spoon.

Spoon! Heh. You dumb ignoramus!

That is a ladle!

You did not know that's a ladle!

- Get ahold of yourself.
- You think it's so easy? Go ahead.

The kitchen's yours, all yours.

You go make a meat loaf for four people
that come a half hour late. Go on.

Listen to me.
I'm arguing with him over gravy.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

They're here, the dinner guests.

I'll get a saw and cut the meat.
Listen, I wanna tell you something.

I'm not gonna take the blame for this dinner.

Who even cares about the dinner?

I care! I take pride in what I do.

You're gonna explain to them
what happened.

Okay. You can take a picture of me
coming in at 8:00.

Now take off that stupid apron
because I'm opening the door.

I wanna get one thing straight.
This is the last time I cook anything for you.

People like you don't appreciate a decent meal,
and that's why they have TV dinners.

- Are you through?
- Yeah, I'm through.

Then smile.

Hi there. Ha, ha.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- I do hope we're not late.
OSCAR: No, not at all. You timed it perfectly.

Perfectly. Come on in. Ha, ha.

Oh, isn't this lovely?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Felix, I'd like you to meet
two elevator acquaintances of mine.

[OSCAR & WOMEN CHUCKLE]

Gwendolyn and Cecily.

No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Cecily and Gwendolyn.

- Don't tell me. Uh, Robin? No.
- No.

- Cardinal?
- No, wrong both times. It's Pigeon.

- Pigeon. Yes. Ha, ha.
- Yes. Ha, ha.

Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon.

Ha, ha. The Pigeon sisters.

Or as our friends in Chelsea used to call us,
the Coo-Coo Pigeon sisters.

[ALL LAUGH]

GWENDOLYN: Silly.
OSCAR: I like that.

GWENDOLYN:
Thank you.

Girls, I'd like you to meet my roommate
and our chef for the evening, Mr. Felix Ungar.

- How do you do?
FELIX: How do you do?

Well, we did that beautifully.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Shall we sit down,
make ourselves comfortable?

- Yes, I'd love to. Oh, this is so nice.
- Wonderful.

Perfume.

Look. Shall I sit here?

- Sure, sure. Anyplace you like.
- I'll sit next to you.

Don't sit on the hors d'oeuvres.

[OSCAR & WOMEN LAUGH]

Oh.

[OSCAR & WOMEN CHUCKLE]

Well... Oh.

[CECILY & GWENDOLYN CHUCKLING]

- Well, this is ever so nice, isn't it, Gwen?
- Yes. Yes, it is. Yes.

And it's so much neater than our flat.
Do you have help?

- Yes, I have a man who comes in every night.
CECILY: Oh.

- Oh.
- Oh, ha, ha. Well, aren't you the lucky one?

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[OSCAR CHUCKLES]

- Boy, this is really nice.
GWENDOLYN: Yes.

You know, I was telling Felix only yesterday
how we happened to meet.

CECILY: Oh.
GWENDOLYN: Oh. Who's Felix?

- He is.
- Oh, yes, of course.

I'm sorry.

- It happened to us again this morning.
OSCAR: What did?

- Stuck in the lift again.
OSCAR: No kidding. Just the two of you?

And poor Mr. Kessler from the third floor.
We were in there nearly half an hour.

- Is that right?
CECILY: Mm.

Well, what happened?

- Oh, nothing much, I'm afraid.
- Ha, ha.

Oh, honestly.

Oh, Gwen.

[OSCAR & WOMEN LAUGHING]

[FELIX CHUCKLES]

- You're terrible.
- I know.

- Boy, this is really nice.
CECILY & GWENDOLYN: Yes.

- And ever so much cooler than our place.
- Oh, yes.

- Cooler?
- Yes.

Oh, it's like equatorial Africa
on our side of the building.

Well, last night it was so bad,
Gwen and I sat there in nature's own...

...cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge.
Can you imagine such a thing?

- Well, I'm working on it. Ha, ha.
CECILY: Honestly. Ha-ha-ha.

- Honestly. Ha, ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Well, no. No, actually,
it's impossible to get a night's sleep.

Cece and I don't know what to do about it.

- Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?
- We haven't got one.

- I know, but we have. Ha-ha-ha.
GWENDOLYN: Oh, you.

Ooh, I told about that one, didn't I?

[OSCAR & WOMEN LAUGHING]

[FELIX CHUCKLES]

Yeah, they say it may rain Friday.

CECILY:
Oh?

Well, that should cool things off a bit.

Yes, I wouldn't be surprised.

- Though, sometimes it gets hotter after it rains.
- Yes, it does, doesn't it?

- Yes. Sometimes it gets a little hotter.
CECILY: Yes, it can do.

- Mm-hm, mm-hm.
GWENDOLYN: Mm-hm.

CECILY:
Um...

- Dinner's served.
- No, it isn't.

- Yes, it is.
- I'm sure the girls would like...

...to have a cocktail first, wouldn't you?

- Ooh. Well, I wouldn't put up a struggle.
- There you are. What would you like?

I don't really know. What have you got?

- Meat loaf.
- Oh.

She means to drink.

We have everything, and what we don't have,
I mix in the medicine cabinet.

[OSCAR & WOMEN LAUGHING]

- What will it be?
- Oh. Um...

- A double vodka.
- Oh, darling, please. Not before dinner. Please.

Oh, my sister, honestly,
she watches over me like a mother hen. Ha, ha.

- Make it a small double vodka.
- Ha, ha.

Small double vodka.
And for the beautiful mother hen?

Ooh. Um... Ooh. Um...

Well, I think I'd like something cool. Um...

What...? I know. I would like
a double Drambuie with crushed ice.

Unless, of course,
you haven't got the crushed ice.

I was up all night with a sledgehammer.

I shall return.

Uh, excuse... Oscar?

- Where you going?
- To get the refreshments.

- Inside? What am I gonna do?
- You can finish the weather report.

FELIX:
Don't forget to look at my meat loaf.

Well...

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oscar tells me you're sisters.

[CECILY & GWENDOLYN CHUCKLE]

- Yes, that's right.
- From England.

Yes, yes, that's right.

I see.

We're not brothers.

[ALL LAUGH]

Yes, we know.

Yes.

- Although I am a brother.
- Oh?

Oh, yeah. I have a brother. He's a doctor.

Lives in Buffalo. That's upstate New York.

- Yes. We know.
- You know my brother?

No. No, we know that Buffalo
is upstate in New York.

Oh.

- Here.
- Thank you.

- We've been there.
- Oh.

Have you?

- No. Is it nice?
- Oh, it's lovely.

Oh, isn't that interesting?

- Oh. Ha, ha.
OSCAR: Ha, ha.

Silly me. Thank you.

How long have you two been in, uh,
the United States of America?

- Oh. Um, four? Four.
- Four.

Yes, almost four years now.

- Just visiting?
- No, no, no. We live here.

Do you work here too?

- Yes, yes.
- Oh.

Yes, we're secretaries for a health club.

People bring us their bodies,
and we do wonderful things with them.

Actually, if you're interested,
we could get you 10 percent off.

Off the price, not off your body.

[ALL LAUGH]

- Silly thing. Ha-ha-ha.
- I couldn't help it. Ha-ha-ha.

Oscar! Where's the drinks? Huh?

[ALL CHUCKLING]

And what field of endeavor
are you engaged in?

I write the news for television.

- Oh.
- Oh, fascinating. Mm.

Where do you get your ideas from?

From, uh...

...the news.

- Oh.
- Oh, yes, of course. Silly me.

Well, maybe you can mention Gwen and I
in one of your news reports. Ha, ha.

Well, you do something spectacular,
maybe I will.

BOTH:
Oh. Ha, ha.

We've done spectacular things, but I don't think
we want it spread all over the telly, do you?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Could you imagine?
- Yes.

[CECILY & GWENDOLYN LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

Oscar!

This apartment is so big,
sometimes you have to holler.

- Oh, ha, ha.
- Ah, yes. Well, just you two baches live here?

Uh, baches?

Oh, you mean bach...? Bachelors?
Oh, we're not bachelors. We're divorced.

That is, Oscar's divorced,
and I'm getting, uh...

- Oh.
- Oh, small world.

We've cut the dinghy loose too,
as they say. Ha, ha.

Well, you couldn't have a better matched
foursome, could you?

I suppose not.

Although, technically I am a widow.

I was divorcing my husband...

...but he died before the final papers
came through.

Oh.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
Divorce is a terrible thing, isn't it?

Oh, it can be
if you haven't got the right solicitor.

Now, that's true.

Sometimes it can drag out for months.

I was lucky. Snip, cut, and I was free.

Oh, but of course,
that's all water under the bridge now, isn't it?

Um... Uh...

I'm terribly sorry.
I think I've forgotten your name.

- Felix.
- Yes, of course. Felix.

- Like the cat. Ha-ha-ha.
GWENDOLYN: Ha-ha-ha.

Cat. Ha, ha.

Oh, well, the Pigeons
will have to beware of the cat, won't they?

- Woo-hoo.
- That's terrible. Quit it.

[CECILY & GWENDOLYN LAUGHING]

Ha, ha. Here.

That's the worst part about breaking up.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Childhood sweethearts, were you?

No. That's my little boy and girl.
He's 7, and she's 5.

- Oh, sweet.
- Oh, sweet. Oh.

They live with their mother.

Oh. I imagine you must miss them terribly.

I can't stand being away from them,
but that's what happens with divorce.

- When do you get to see them?
- Every night.

I drop by on the way home,
and I take them on weekends.

- And I get them on holidays, July and August.
- Oh.

- Well, when is it that you miss them?
- Whenever I'm not there.

If they didn't have to go to school so early,
I'd make them breakfast.

- They love my French toast.
- Oh. Well, you certainly are a devoted father.

- It's Frances who's the wonderful one.
- She's the little girl?

- No, she's the mother, my wife.
- What, the one you're divorcing?

Yeah. She's done a terrific job
in bringing them up.

They always look so nice, so polite.
Speak beautifully. Never "yeah," always "yes."

- Oh, isn't that lovely?
- Such good kids.

And she's done it all. She's...

She's a wonderful woman.
She's the kind of a woman who...

What am I doing?
You're not interested in any of this.

Why, nonsense.

You've a right to be proud.

You have two beautiful children
and a wonderful ex-wife.

Here's Frances. See?

- Oh. Oh, she is pretty.
- Yeah.

- Isn't she pretty, Cecy?
- Oh, yes. Pretty, pretty girl.

- She is pretty. Here, isn't that nice?
- Very pretty.

There's no one in the picture.

- That's a picture of our living room.
- Ah.

- We had a beautiful apartment.
- Oh, it is. It's pretty. It's very pretty.

Those are lovely lamps.

Oh, thank you. We got those in Mexico...

...on our honeymoon.

Gee, I used to love to come home at night.

That was my whole life.

My wife and my kids and my apartment.

Well...

Does she have the lamps now too?

Oh, yes. Sure.

I gave her everything.

My children...

...and the lamps.

I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?
I didn't mean to get emotional.

Would you like some potato chips?

[FELIX SOBBING]

Oh, please.

Please, you mustn't be ashamed.

No, I think... I think it's a rare quality
in a man to be able to cry.

So do I.

I think it's sweet. Terribly, terribly sweet.

Please, because you're just making it worse.

No. No, it's so refreshing to hear a man
speak so highly of the woman he's divorcing.

[FELIX SOBBING]

Oh. Oh, dear.

Now you've got me thinking
about poor Sydney.

Oh, Gwen, please.

No. Well, it was a good marriage at first,
wasn't it?

Yes.

Everybody said so, didn't they?

Not like you and George.

No, that's right.

George and I were never happy.

Not for one single, solitary day.

[ALL SOBBING]

- This is ridiculous.
- I don't know what brought this on.

I was feeling so good a few minutes ago.

I haven't cried since I was 14.

Is everybody happy?

[FELIX & WOMEN SOBBING]

- What the hell happened?
FELIX: Nothing, nothing.

Nothing? I'm gone three minutes,
and I walk into a funeral parlor.

- What'd you say to them?
- I didn't say anything. Don't start in on me.

I can't leave you alone for five seconds.

If you really wanna cry,
go in the kitchen and look at your meat loaf.

Well, why didn't you call me?

Girls, I'm terribly sorry. Really, I am.
I forgot to warn you about Felix.

He's a walking soap opera. Ha, ha.

I think he's the dearest thing I've ever met.

He's so sensitive, so fragile.

I just want to bundle him up in my arms
and take care of him.

[CECILY & GWENDOLYN SOBBING]

I think when he comes out of that kitchen,
you may have to.

We better get some corned-beef sandwiches.

No, wait, Felix.

Maybe we can salvage it.

FELIX: What?
OSCAR: Yeah, let's see it.

See it? See what?
Four dollars and eighty cents' worth of ashes?

I'd throw it down the incinerator,
but it won't burn twice.

Oh.

I've got a wonderful idea.

- Why don't we eat up at our place?
- That's a wonderful idea.

CECILY: Yes, if you don't mind taking potluck.
- I'm crazy about potluck.

It's awfully hot up there.
You'll have to take off your jackets.

We can always open up a refrigerator.

Give us five minutes
to get into our cooking things.

Five minutes? Can't you make it four?
I'm starving to death.

- Oh. Don't forget the wine.
- How could I forget the wine?

- And a corkscrew.
- Corkscrew.

- And Felix.
- No, I won't forget Felix.

CECILY & GWENDOLYN:
Ta-ta.

ALL:
Ta-ta.

Ah, you bet your sweet little crumpets, ta-ta.

Felix, baby, I love you. Mwah.

You just overcooked us
into one hell of a night.

- Come on, get the ice bucket. I got the wine.
- I'm not going.

- Huh?
- I said, I'm not going.

Are you out of your mind?

You know what's waiting for us up there?

You've just been invited
to spend the evening...

...in a two-bedroom hothouse
with the Coo-Coo Pigeon sisters.

What do you mean you're not going?

I've nothing left to say to them.
I already told them about my brother in Buffalo.

- I've used up all my conversation.
- Felix, Felix, they are crazy about you.

They're nuts about you.
I'm telling you, they told me.

One of them wants to wrap you up
and make a bundle out of you.

You're doing better than I am.
Get the ice bucket.

Don't you understand?
I cried in front of two women.

And they loved it.
I'm thinking of getting hysterical.

- Come on, will you get the ice bucket?
- Don't you see?

I'm still emotionally tied to Frances
and the kids.

I don't wanna talk to you about it anymore.
I'm gonna scrub the pots and wash my hair.

Your pots and your hair can wait.
You're coming upstairs with me.

I'm not going.

What am I gonna do up there with two girls?

Felix. Felix, if I miss this opportunity,
I'll never forgive you.

You're not gonna make any effort to change?

This is the person you're gonna be
until the day you die?

We are what we are.

It's 12 floors, not 11!

[VACUUM WHIRRING]

[WHISTLING]

[CORD CRACKS & FELIX YELLS]

[POTS CRASHING]

[WHISTLING]

MAN [ON TV]:
Hello, sports fans.

Well, speculation is running high
among Yankee followers...

...as to the possibility of trading away
the great right-hander, Hank Moonjean...

...for three unknown young players
and an undetermined amount of cash.

Moonjean has racked up 10 wins
against only three losses so far this year...

...which is, incidentally,
high for both leagues.

It looks to this reporter that the Yankee office
will be bombarded by many protests...

[GROANS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

- How long is this gonna go on?
- You talking to me?

- Yeah I'm talking to you.
- What do you wanna know?

If you're gonna spend the rest of your life
not talking to me.

And if you are, I'm gonna get a radio.

[CHUCKLES]

You had your chance to talk last night.

I begged you to come upstairs with me.

Here. Here's a key to the back door.

Now, you stick to the hallway and your room
and you won't get hurt.

- Meaning what?
- Meaning that if you wanna live here...

...I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna
hear you, I don't wanna smell your cooking.

Now, kindly remove that spaghetti
from my poker table.

[FELIX CHUCKLING]

- What the hell is so funny?
- It's not spaghetti. It's linguine.

[FELIX CHUCKLING]

Now it's garbage.

You're crazy.

I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy.

I'm crazy, huh? That's really funny
coming from a fruitcake like you.

- Uh-huh. I'm not cleaning that up.
- Is that a promise?

Did you hear what I said?
I'm not cleaning that up.

That's your mess.

Look at it. Look at it.
It's hanging all over the wall.

I like it.

You'd just let it hang there, wouldn't you?

Just let it hang until it got all hard
and brown and...

Yuck. It's disgusting.

- Well, I'm cleaning it.
- Leave that alone. You leave that alone.

You touch one strand of that linguine
and I'm gonna punch you right in your sinuses.

You better pull yourself...
Hey, Oscar, come on, now.

- Listen, why don't you just take a tranquilizer?
- Go to your room.

- I said, go to your room.
- Let's just all settle down, huh?

I'm warning you, Felix.
You wanna live through this night...

...you'd better keep this door locked.
And lock your windows too!

All right, Oscar,
I'd like to know what's happened.

- What's happened?
- Something made you go off the deep end.

Is it something I said or something I did?

Nothing you said, noth...
Don't start me, Felix.

Oscar, what is it?
Is it the cooking or the cleaning? The crying?

I'll tell you exactly what it is.
It's the cooking, the cleaning, the crying.

It's the talking in your sleep.

It's those moose calls that open your ears
at 2:00 in the morning.

[BELLOWING]

I can't take it anymore, Felix. I'm cracking up.

Everything you do irritates me.

And when you're not here, the things I know
you're gonna do when you come in irritate me.

You leave me little notes on my pillow.

I've told you 158 times,
I cannot stand little notes on my pillow.

"We are all out of cornflakes. F.U."

Took me three hours to figure out
that F.U. Was Felix Ungar.

It's not your fault, Felix.
It's a rotten combination, that's all.

Yeah. I get the picture.

I haven't even painted the picture yet.

I got a typewritten list in my office...

...of the 10 most aggravating things you do
that drive me berserk...

...but last night was the topper.

Oh, brother, that was the topper,
that was the ever-loving lulu of all times.

I had it set up with that English Betty Boop
and her sister...

...and I wind up drinking tea all night
and telling them your life story.

Don't blame me for that.
I warned you not to make that date.

Don't point that at me
unless you intend to use it.

Get off of my back, Oscar. Get off. Off.

What's this, a display of temper?

I haven't seen you angry since the day
I dropped my cigar in your pancake batter.

You're asking to hear something
I don't wanna say.

But if I do say it, I think you ought to hear.

You got anything on your chest
besides your chin, you better get it off.

All right! Then you asked for it!

You're a wonderful guy, Oscar.
You've done everything for me.

If it weren't for you,
I don't know what would've happened.

You took me in, you gave me a place to live,
you gave me something to live for.

I'm never gonna forget you for that, Oscar.

You're tops with me.

If I've just been told off,
I may have missed it.

It's coming.

You're also one of the biggest slobs
in the world.

- I see.
- Totally unreliable...

- Is that it?
...undependable and irresponsible.

- Keep going, you're hot.
- No, you've been told off. How do you like that?

Good. Good.

Because now...

...I'm gonna tell you off.

For six months,
I've lived alone in this apartment.

All alone in eight big rooms.

I was dejected, despondent and disgusted...

...and then you moved in,
my closest and dearest friend.

[IN STRAINED VOICE] And after three weeks
of close personal contact...

...I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.

Do me a favor, will you, Felix?
Move into the kitchen.

Live with your pots, your pans,
your ladles, your meat thermometers.

When you wanna come out, just ring a bell
and I'll run into the bedroom.

I'm asking you nicely, Felix, as a friend.

Stay out of my way.

Walk on the paper.
I washed the floor in there.

Hey, stay away from me, Oscar.

Hey, Oscar. Oscar, stay away from me.
Oscar! Oscar, cut it out!

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
This is the day I'm gonna kill you.

- Oscar!
- I'm gonna kill you.

No! Oscar!

- Oscar.
- I'm gonna kill you.

You hit me, you've got yourself
one sweet lawsuit, boy.

[DOGS GROWL]

Those dogs should be on a leash.

- Oscar, can I speak to you calmly?
- First you'll bleed, then we'll talk.

I got you now.
There's no place for you to go but down.

Are you out of your mind?
If you wanna fight, let's go to the living room.

I don't want you in my living room.
I don't want you in my bedroom, my bathroom...

...my kitchen, my elevator, my hall
or my building. I don't want you at all.

- What?
- It's over. The whole marriage.

We're getting an annulment.

Don't you understand?
I don't wanna live with you anymore!

I want you to pack up your things,
tie it up in Saran wrap and get out of here!

- You mean actually move out?
- Actually, physically, immediately.

- You mean move out this minute?
- Yes, this minute.

If you can do it sooner, I'd appreciate it.

You know,
I've got a good mind to really leave.

Why doesn't he hear me?

I know I'm talking. I recognize my voice.

- Because if you really want me to go, I'll go.
- Then go!

I want you to go, so go!
When are you going?

[SCOFFS]

You're in a bigger hurry than Frances was.

Take as much time as she gave you.
I want you to follow your usual routine.

- In other words, you're throwing me out.
- Not in other words, those are the perfect ones!

All right.
I just wanted to get the record straight.

- Let it be on your conscience.
- Let what be on my conscience?

I'm perfectly willing to stay here and clear
the air of our differences, but you refuse, right?

Right. I'm tired of you clearing the air.

- That's why I want you to leave.
- Good.

But remember,
what happens to me is your responsibility.

- Let it be on your head.
- Let what be on my head?

Wait a minute. Why can't you get thrown out
like a decent human being?

Let what be on my head? Huh?

I'm leaving now,
according to your wishes and desires.

Either I'll come back and get
the rest of my clothes or someone else will.

You are not going anyplace
until you take it back.

- Take what back?
- "Let it be on your head."

What the hell is that,
the Curse of the Cat People?

- I can't leave if you're blocking the door.
- Is this how you left that night with Frances?

No wonder she wanted your room repainted.
I'm gonna have yours dipped in bronze.

Would you get out of the way, please?

Uh, where will you go?

Oh, come on, Oscar.

You're not really interested, are you?

All right, Felix, you win.
We'll try to iron it out.

Come back, Felix.

Felix.

Felix, come back!

Don't leave me like this!

I'm telling you, I'm worried.

I know Felix.
He's gonna try something crazy.

- You just threw him out?
- That's right, I threw him out.

It was my decision. I admit it.
Let it be on my head.

VINNIE: Let what be on your head?
- How should I know? Felix put it there.

He's out there somewhere.

He was driving us crazy with his napkins
and ashtrays...

...and bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches.
All of you said so.

- We didn't say kick him out.
- Who do you think I did it for? I did it for us.

- Us?
- Yes, that's right.

You know what he was planning for next Friday
night's poker game as a change of pace?

- Do you have any idea?
VINNIE: What?

A luau. An Hawaiian luau.
Roast pork, fried rice, spare ribs.

- They don't play poker like that in Honolulu.
SPEED: He's out there alone.

Now I'm really worried.

Why don't we stop worrying and start looking?
Come on.

How we gonna find him? It's a big city.

"It's a big city." We'll look for a guy
with a suitcase who's crying.

Come on.

They're not gonna like this at the station.

You're not supposed to look
for a missing person with a missing car.

So take it out of my taxes.

We'll try his apartment first.

Well, Frances hasn't heard from him
since he called to get her recipe for meat loaf.

MURRAY:
Where to now?

Cruise along Riverside Drive.

This is crazy, Oscar.

- Why don't we call the cops?
- Drive the car.

Hey, what are you doing, Murray?

Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling.

We already combed the whole west side.

Why don't we go back
and wait to hear something?

Because I'm afraid we'll hear something.

- The poor guy.
- Will you stop saying "the poor guy"?

What about me?
I got this lousy curse on my head.

Aw, let's go back, Oscar. He'll show up.

I know him, he'll kill himself just to spite me.

Then his ghost will come back,
following me around the apartment...

...haunting and cleaning,
haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning.

Come on, Oscar, play a few hands.
It'll take your mind off Felix.

Then stop mentioning his name.

I know what you're all thinking,
but you're wrong.

It's his fault, not mine.

He never shouldn't have moved in here.
He should've stayed with Blanche.

- Why should he?
- Because it's his wife.

No, Blanche is your wife. His wife is Frances.

What are you, some kind of a wise guy?
The game is over. Give me my cards.

- I don't wanna play anymore.
- We didn't even start.

I'm not gonna worry about him. Why should I?
He's not worrying about me.

He's out in the streets somewhere crying
and sulking and having a wonderful time.

- I think I smell spaghetti.
- It's not spaghetti, it's linguine.

Don't you care what happens to Felix?

- Thought you weren't worried.
- I'm not worried, damn it. I'm not worried.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

- That's him. I'll bet that's him.
- I told you he'd be back.

Open the door. Everybody play cards
like nothing happened, okay?

- Just deal them out.
- All right.

Okay, open the door.

VINNIE: Oh. Hello.
- How do you do?

- Oh, hello there, Cecily.
- Gwendolyn.

Please, gentlemen, don't stand up.

- May I see you for a moment, Mr. Madison?
- Certainly. Certainly, Gwendolyn.

What's, uh...? What's the matter?

I think you know.

I've come for Felix's things.

- You mean my Felix?
- Oh, yes. Yes. Felix Ungar.

That sweet, tortured man
who's in my flat at this moment...

...pouring his heart out to my sister.

CECILY:
Gwen?

Gwen. Felix doesn't want to stay.
Please tell him to stay.

Please, girls, this is embarrassing.
I can go to a hotel. How are you, Vinnie?

GWENDOLYN:
Nonsense. There's plenty of room on the sofa.

I'll be in the way. Won't I be in the way?

- How could you possibly be in anyone's way?
- Wanna see a typewritten list?

Haven't you said enough already?

- Please. Please. Just for a few days?
- Until you get settled.

- Please say yes.
- Oh, please. We'd be so happy.

- Well, maybe just for a few days.
- Oh, that's marvelous.

Good. Then get the rest of your things.

- We'll go clean the house.
- And cook dinner.

GWENDOLYN: It'll be so nice to have a man
about the house again. Come on, Cecy.

Good night, gentlemen.
So sorry to interrupt your bridge game.

- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.

WOMEN & FELIX:
Ta-ta.

[CECILY & GWENDOLYN CHUCKLE]

[CHUCKLES]

Ah.

[FELIX HUMMING]

- What'd I tell you? It's always the quiet guys.
- Gee, what nice girls.

[HUMMING]

- Hey, Felix.
- Huh?

Felix, are you really
gonna move in with them?

Just for a couple of days,
you know, until I can get my own pad.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Aren't you gonna thank me?
- For what?

The two greatest things I've ever done for you.
Taking you in and throwing you out.

[FELIX CHUCKLES]

Oscar, you're right. Getting thrown out twice
is enough for any man.

In gratitude, I remove the curse.

Bless you and thank you,
Wicked Witch of the North.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yup. It's probably the girls.

MURRAY: Hello.
- They hate it when I'm late for cocktails.

It's your wife.

Oh. Um...

Do me a favor, Murray.
Tell her I can't talk to her right now.

Tell her I'll call in a couple days.
We have a lot to talk about.

Tell her if I sound different to her...

...it's because I'm not the same man
she threw out three weeks ago.

- Heh. Tell her that. Go ahead and tell her.
- I will when I see her. This is Oscar's wife.

Oh.

Hello, Blanche.

Yeah, I got a good idea why you're calling.
You got my checks, right?

So now we're all even up? Right.

No, I haven't been winning at the track.
I've just been eating home a lot lately.

[CHUCKLES]

You don't have to thank me, Blanche.
I'm just doing what's right.

That's very nice of you too.

Good night, Mr. Madison. You need
any heavy cleaning, I get $1.50 an hour.

Wait.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Right. Talk to you tomorrow night.
Kiss the kids for me, will you?

Right. Good night, Blanche.

Felix, what about next Friday?
You're not gonna break up the poker game.

Me? Never. Marriage may come and go,
but the game must go on.

So long, Frances.

So long, Blanche.

Well, are we just gonna sit around,
or are we gonna play poker?

MURRAY & SPEED: Let's play some poker.
VINNIE: Deal the cards.

Hey, boys, boys, boys.

Let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we?
This is my house, not a pigsty.

[VINNIE CHUCKLES]

Ante a quarter, fellas.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

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