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1
00:00:01,234 --> 00:00:03,936
[blues harmonica]
2
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:12,511
Oh, hi. I'm Bev
Harris' daughter.
Is she okay?
3
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:15,581
Yes. It's just a hairline
fracture in the pelvis.
4
00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:17,483
We're releasing her
tonight.
5
00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:19,418
Just make sure
she gets plenty of rest
6
00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:20,753
While she's
at your house.
7
00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:24,690
At our house?
8
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,925
Yes, Mrs. Harris told us
she'd be staying with you
9
00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:28,560
During her convalescence.
10
00:00:28,561 --> 00:00:30,195
That's great!
11
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:34,366
The love of one's family
is often the most
powerful remedy.
12
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:35,300
[chuckles]
13
00:00:38,738 --> 00:00:40,673
She's a goner.
14
00:00:41,941 --> 00:00:44,143
Roseanne, that woman
is not staying
at our house.
15
00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:46,478
Oh, please, Dan.
Please, can't I have
16
00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:48,580
The most horrible woman
in the world living
in my house?
17
00:00:48,581 --> 00:00:50,182
Please? Please?
Please?
18
00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:51,784
Listen to me, Roseanne.
19
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:54,853
Her retirement home
is set up to handle
injured old people.
20
00:00:54,854 --> 00:00:56,588
When you go in there,
you are not allowed
21
00:00:56,589 --> 00:00:58,457
To let her give you
any guilt.
22
00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:01,360
All right, Dan, I can
deflect mom's guilt rays,
23
00:01:01,361 --> 00:01:03,395
As long as I have
an outlet.
Ow!
24
00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:05,631
Ooh, I gotta
clip these.
25
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:11,003
Hi, mom.
How are you?
26
00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:12,471
Oh, hello, Roseanne.
27
00:01:12,472 --> 00:01:14,973
We came by the apartment
to help you move that couch
28
00:01:14,974 --> 00:01:16,475
And they told us
you were in here.
29
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:19,345
Oh, that's right.
Well, don't worry.
30
00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:21,013
Even if you had
arrived on time,
31
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:23,415
I probably still
would've fallen.
32
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:26,218
Of course, who knows
what damage was caused
33
00:01:26,219 --> 00:01:29,488
By delaying
medical attention.
34
00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:32,624
Well, mom, you know,
I called your house
about a hundred times
35
00:01:32,625 --> 00:01:34,793
To tell you I was gonna
be late, but nobody
ever answered.
36
00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:37,763
Forgive me. It's hard
to reach the phone
37
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:40,532
When you're shiverin' in agony
on the shower floor.
38
00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:42,735
Thank god
those cleaning people
39
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:44,737
Keep their appointments.
40
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:47,473
The cleaning people
found you?
41
00:01:47,474 --> 00:01:49,608
Well, bev, maybe
we should let you rest.
42
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,410
Ow!
43
00:01:53,246 --> 00:01:55,214
You know, I feel
really bad about this, mom.
44
00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:56,815
Yeah, so do I.
Let's go.
45
00:01:56,816 --> 00:02:00,819
And Dan feels even worse,
as you can tell.
46
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:03,188
Oh, don't blame
yourself, Roseanne.
47
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:05,858
Besides, you're not the one
who never got around
48
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:09,461
To putting those appliqu�s
on my slippery shower floor.
49
00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:12,531
Damn!
50
00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:15,834
Oh, my god.
Dan forgot to do that?
51
00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:20,639
Uh...Man, oh, man,
oh, man, oh, man.
52
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:24,176
Well, he was gonna
do it last weekend,
but he was very busy.
53
00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:28,013
I think there was some kind
of sports program on.
54
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:33,585
Bev, would you like
to stay at our h--
55
00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:35,287
At our house?
56
00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:38,323
Oh, Dan,
that's so nice of you.
57
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:40,693
I graciously accept.
58
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:44,697
Well, that's
just great, honey.
59
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,031
And if you need me
for anything,
60
00:02:46,032 --> 00:02:47,499
I'll be stayin' at mom's.
61
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,601
Ow!
62
00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:53,439
[blues rock]
63
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:00,472
[laughing]
64
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:12,251
[tv, commentator]left side for barros.
65
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,519
And back for Sean Green--
66
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,888
Please stop watching me.
67
00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:18,290
I'm sorry.
Am I bothering you?
68
00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:19,458
Yes, you are.
69
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,493
Oh, I didn't mean to.
70
00:04:21,494 --> 00:04:24,697
But it's just whenever
I see men watching
one of these games,
71
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:28,033
I wonder what could
possibly be going on
inside his head.
72
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,235
Aw, you don't wanna know.
73
00:04:30,236 --> 00:04:31,437
[buzzer]
74
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:32,971
What's that noise?
75
00:04:32,972 --> 00:04:35,874
That's a tie.
That means they're
goin' into overtime.
76
00:04:35,875 --> 00:04:37,710
Does that mean
they get paid more?
77
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:40,512
No, it means--
78
00:04:40,513 --> 00:04:43,682
Yes, that's exactly
what it means.
79
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:45,184
What are you guys
watching?
80
00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:46,418
The bulls and the sixers.
81
00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:48,587
Those are
basketball teams.
82
00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:49,655
I know.
83
00:04:49,656 --> 00:04:53,459
Well, I really
should take my nap.
84
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,894
Oh, you're not leavin'?
85
00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:58,630
But i'll need
two strong men
86
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:01,433
To lift my tired
old legs into bed.
87
00:05:01,434 --> 00:05:03,535
Uh, I gotta go.
There's--
88
00:05:03,536 --> 00:05:04,870
Me too!
89
00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:14,279
You're slow, but i'll bet
you're strong.
90
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,248
Coming, boys?
91
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,550
Yes.
92
00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:20,052
Come on.
93
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:23,422
I hope she doesn't want us
to apply that ointment again.
94
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,162
Hey, Fred.
95
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,264
Hey. Look, I gotta talk
to you guys about somethin',
96
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,233
But you gotta promise me
you're not gonna tell anyone.
97
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:36,669
Cross my heart
and hope to die.
98
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,337
Course, with Bev
staying at my place,
99
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,005
Either way, I win.
100
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,940
I'm thinkin' about
proposing to Jackie.
101
00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:43,676
That's great.
102
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:44,677
You think so?
103
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,045
Absolutely.
104
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:48,947
But remember,
if she says "yes",
you gotta marry her.
105
00:05:48,948 --> 00:05:50,783
Well, you guys like
being married, don't you?
106
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,788
Well...
107
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,489
I love being married
because i'm married
108
00:05:57,490 --> 00:06:00,292
To the greatest girl
in the whole world.
109
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,695
Oh, give me a minute.
110
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:06,165
But you're happy, right?
111
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,800
I mean, i've been
watching you a lot lately
112
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,268
And I think I want
what you have.
113
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:12,938
Great! I'll have
my stuff packed
and be out by supper.
114
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,073
Listen, man,
if you need someone
115
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:15,207
To tell you what to do--
116
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,609
Then you're ready
to get married.
117
00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:20,012
Jackie makes me laugh.
118
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:22,014
We have a really
good time together.
119
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,515
And...
120
00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:24,783
I really love her.
121
00:06:24,784 --> 00:06:27,319
Chicks can't get
enough of that.
122
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,620
Alright, I think
i'm gonna do it.
123
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:30,789
Think i'm gonna
actually propose to her.
124
00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:32,091
That's great, man.
125
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,493
How the hell do you
actually do that?
126
00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:36,662
Hey, Dan, how did you
handle the proposal?
127
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:39,932
I said "yes."
128
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:42,368
How 'bout you, Mark?
How did you propose to Becky?
129
00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:45,537
Oh, we didn't
really get engaged;
we kind of eloped.
130
00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:47,306
Yeah, but you had
to ask her, right?
131
00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:49,008
I mean, what were you
and Becky doing
132
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:50,609
When you actually
popped the question?
133
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:59,651
Oh, my god.
134
00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:00,986
Well, you--
you see--
135
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,722
Make somethin' up, Mark.
136
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:07,426
We were, uh, dancing.
137
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,094
At a boy.
138
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:16,502
[door closes]
139
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:18,404
[Bev]thank you, Dan.
140
00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:21,306
My toes feel much better.
141
00:07:21,307 --> 00:07:24,576
[repressing rage]
142
00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:36,255
It's your mother's head.
143
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:39,425
[door bell]
144
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:41,126
[man]hello?
145
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,295
Hello, Bev?Are you there?
146
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,229
Maybe it's death.
147
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,336
Hey, Jake.
148
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,271
Oh, Roseanne and Jackie.
149
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:53,405
Am I right?
150
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:54,873
You're right.
151
00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:56,775
And the fact that
you've seen us both
every week
152
00:07:56,776 --> 00:07:58,744
For the last year,
don't let that
153
00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:00,946
Take nothin' away
from your victory.
154
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,615
So, come on in.
Have a seat.
155
00:08:03,616 --> 00:08:05,050
Yeah, thank you.
156
00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:07,052
Listen,
I came about Bev.
157
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:08,554
You wanna talk to her?
158
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:10,789
I'd like to,
but she doesn't
wanna talk to me.
159
00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:12,758
Every time I call her,
she hangs up.
160
00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:14,927
What's your secret?
161
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:17,563
I know she's embarrassed
about what happened,
162
00:08:17,564 --> 00:08:19,498
But I wish she wouldn't
be mad at me.
163
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,533
What's there to feel
embarrassed about?
164
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:23,168
It happens all the time.
165
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:26,005
Well, it's never
happened to me before.
166
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:29,041
And Bev looked like
it was the first time
for her too.
167
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,709
You were there.
168
00:08:30,710 --> 00:08:32,878
Yes. She--
169
00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:34,113
She didn't tell you
it was me?
170
00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:38,050
Uh, yeah, well, you know,
she said it was somebody,
171
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,619
But, oh, she didn't say
a definite name,
172
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:42,221
But I knew
that it was you,
173
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,056
And I says, oh, I know
it's gotta be Jake.
174
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,224
And remember that, Jackie?
175
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,659
You go, "oh, that's
definitely Jake."
176
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:49,561
Yeah, well,
you know, Bev is--
177
00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:52,998
She's so sweet,
but she's so old-fashioned
178
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:56,468
When it comes
to intimate things.
179
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:04,677
Whoa, now.
180
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:07,479
Well, you know, Jake,
when mom confided in me,
181
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,081
She kinda made, uh--
182
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,283
Well, she kinda made you
look bad, frankly,
183
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:14,353
And so why don't
you just tell us
your side of the story.
184
00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:20,793
You could leave
stuff out if you want.
185
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:24,129
Look, it happened
because, uh--
186
00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:27,766
Well, it's been a while
for both of us
187
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:33,038
And I can't balance
the way I used to.
188
00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:37,676
Oh, my god,
they were trying
to balance.
189
00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:40,746
Believe me, girls,
I did everything I could.
190
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:43,716
When we hit the floor,
I just wish it was me
191
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:44,783
Who was on the bottom.
192
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:51,290
And then I dressed her.
193
00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:52,891
She was naked?
194
00:09:52,892 --> 00:09:55,461
Holy Hannah.
195
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:58,097
Well, I think she wouldn't
be that mad at me
196
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,466
If those jokers
down at the retirement home
197
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:03,535
Hadn't have come up
with that awful nickname.
198
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:06,305
Yeah, those jerks.
199
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:07,806
What was it again?
200
00:10:07,807 --> 00:10:11,210
Craftmatic adjustable Bev.
201
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,487
That's very bad.
202
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:24,423
Roseanne, please...
203
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,393
Talk to Bev about this
for me, will ya?
204
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:31,130
God, don't you think
it oughta be you
doin' it, Jake?
205
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,431
I mean, you know,
one on one,
206
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:34,800
Face to face,
in a letter?
207
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,336
Please? Please?
208
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:38,971
Yeah, alright.
I'll talk to her.
209
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,973
Oh, good.
Thanks. Thanks.
210
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,641
Boy, i'll tell ya,
Bev is lucky.
211
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,243
Bev is lucky.
212
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,845
You girls are the best.
213
00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:48,814
Well...
214
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:53,419
No! Back! I don't need
no broken pelvis there.
215
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:56,455
You're funny,
just like your mother.
216
00:10:59,125 --> 00:11:00,859
So...
217
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:02,561
When are you gonna
talk to mom?
218
00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:05,330
When I can do it
with the ouija board.
219
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:08,467
No, no.
220
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:12,438
Gotta do it now, Roseanne,
'cause she's humiliated.
221
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,073
Unless she works through it,
she's never gonna go
222
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,574
Back to the retirement home.
223
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:18,577
Jackie...
224
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:21,680
Jackie, I cannot have...
225
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,949
A talk about sex with mom.
226
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:26,952
If she even says
the word "intercourse",
227
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:29,555
I'll burst into flame.
228
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:32,157
Well, then,
do it for Dan.
229
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:33,892
He thinks the whole thing
is his fault.
230
00:11:33,893 --> 00:11:36,228
And you promised Jake.
231
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:39,231
Little Jake.
Poor old Jake.
232
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:42,568
God, you're annoying.
233
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:48,574
[Bev]yes?
234
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:50,809
Mom, I just want you
to know that if you need
235
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:53,746
To speak to a doctor,
I can arrange it.
236
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:57,983
[Bev]uh, well...Thank you, dear.
237
00:11:57,984 --> 00:11:59,985
I just had the same
sex talk with her
238
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:01,653
That she had with me.
239
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:13,198
Hey. What are we having?
Well--
240
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:16,035
[Bev]use a little limewhen you poach the fish!
241
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:19,538
Ugh! God,
not fish again.
242
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:22,341
Oh, it'll be okay.
243
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,811
Roseanne, your mother
is never slipping
244
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:27,079
And falling down again.
245
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,547
Do you know why?
Mm?
246
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:29,848
Because when
she's all well,
247
00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:33,285
I'm sewing appliqu�s
on the bottom of her feet.
248
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,787
[Bev]hi, Jackie.
249
00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:36,121
Hi, mom.
250
00:12:36,122 --> 00:12:38,724
Roseanne, I think
on the way over
251
00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,225
He made you
a little present.
252
00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:42,695
Oh, well, every day
is christmas.
253
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:46,398
Hello, Bev.
254
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:47,833
[Bev]hello, Fred.
255
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:49,468
I think it's wonderfulyou're taking
256
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,904
Your child's motherout to dinner.
257
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:54,139
Well, yeah.
258
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,875
[Bev]when I had children,I had to scrimp and save.
259
00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:58,310
You're very fortunate.
260
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,547
Well, yeah.
261
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:04,183
[Bev]and when your child askswhy he's not goin' to college,
262
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:08,721
Just tell him thathis mother had a steak.
263
00:13:08,722 --> 00:13:11,223
I'll be in here with Dan.
264
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:14,159
Still wanna marry
into this family?
265
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,228
Tonight's the night.
266
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,663
[gasps]
my god, it's a ring.
267
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:21,500
It's the coolest box,
isn't it?
268
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,502
Okay, let's go.
269
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,671
Nice seein' ya, mom!
270
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:35,314
Huh, what was that?
271
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,082
What?
272
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:38,517
That, what Fred did.
273
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,185
I don't know.
274
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:44,156
Why? Was it some
sort of secret
275
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,492
Macho signal thing,
you know?
276
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:48,227
Like this is supposed
to be Jackie's breast
277
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,062
And he's tryin' to tell you
that he's gonna get
278
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:52,998
Some action tonight,
that pig!
279
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,835
Trust me, Roseanne,
that gesture was not dirty.
280
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:57,770
So what was it?
281
00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:01,073
I don't know.
282
00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:03,008
Okay, fine.
283
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,614
[sighs]
i'll tell you what.
284
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:11,216
If you don't tell me
what that gesture meant,
285
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:13,419
It's your turn
to give mom her sitz bath.
286
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,554
Jeez...
287
00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:21,827
If I tell you, you gotta swear
to keep your mouth shut.
288
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:24,997
God, I can't believe
that you don't even
trust your own wife.
289
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:27,700
Okay, I promise.
290
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:29,902
Fred was pointing
to the ring he bought
291
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:31,637
'cause he's gonna
propose tonight.
292
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:34,606
[whispering]
oh, my god.
He's gonna propose to her?
293
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:35,607
Mm-hmm.
294
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:37,876
Did you see the ring?
Yeah.
295
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,145
Uh, so what
did it look like?
296
00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:41,380
I have no idea.
297
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,449
What kind of setting
did he have it in?
298
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:47,052
I have no idea.
Was it a diamond?
299
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,754
I have no idea.
300
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,956
God, this is so amazing!
301
00:14:50,957 --> 00:14:53,926
Yeah, well, look, I swore
I wouldn't tell anybody,
302
00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:55,227
So you gotta keep
your mouth shut.
303
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,428
I will.
I mean it!
304
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:57,763
I will.
I mean it.
305
00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:58,831
I will.
306
00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:04,003
Hi.
Hi.
307
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,471
[cooing]
hello, little sweetheart.
308
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,706
Hello. Hello.
309
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:13,212
God, that was hard.
310
00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:23,489
They left that restaurant
an hour-and-a-half-ago.
311
00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:24,690
How come they're late?
312
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:28,327
Well, maybe her and Fred
are out celebratin'.
313
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:33,032
They just had a baby;
they are not medically
allowed to celebrate yet.
314
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:35,601
Roseanne, Dan, um...
315
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,203
We came back
'cause i've got
some really big news.
316
00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:40,272
[laughing]
oh, yeah?
317
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,340
Yeah.
Roseanne, Dan...
318
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:43,375
Um, Fred and I...
319
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:45,044
Are moving in together.
320
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,079
[laughing]
321
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:52,584
You're what?
322
00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:54,053
Yeah, we're gonna
live together.
323
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,220
Isn't that great?
324
00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:58,624
[giggling]
325
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,259
Yeah.
326
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,694
Aren't you happy for us?
327
00:16:01,695 --> 00:16:03,028
Oh, yeah.
Really, really happy.
328
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,732
I'm really happy
and really surprised.
329
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:07,833
Really, really surprised.
330
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:10,336
Me, too!
331
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:14,106
My heavens,
what's all the ruckus?
332
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:17,609
Mom, um, i've got
some news that I think
333
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,845
Is gonna make you
really, really happy,
334
00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:23,582
But Fred convinced me
to tell you anyway.
335
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,417
I know,
you're gettin' married.
336
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:28,020
Congratulations!
No. Mom--
337
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,924
We're moving in together.
338
00:16:31,925 --> 00:16:34,727
God! Why is it every time
I have big news,
339
00:16:34,728 --> 00:16:37,696
You ruin it by guessing
that it's even bigger news?
340
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,999
No, I don't.
It's just--
341
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,734
Well, that's what Dan said!
342
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:49,408
You told your
mother-in-law?
343
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:50,809
Of course not.
344
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:52,878
I told my wife!
345
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:56,782
God, mom, can't you
ever keep a secret?
346
00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:59,651
Wait a minute!
347
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:01,420
You were gonna propose?
348
00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:03,555
Well, it had
crossed my mind.
349
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:06,158
And what made it uncross?
350
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:09,795
What made you go from
asking me to share
my life with you
351
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:13,165
To asking me
to split the rent?
352
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:17,202
Well, I don't know
about you guys,
but I blame mom!
353
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,938
Well, you shouldn't
blame me!
354
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:22,307
If Fred doesn't
have the courage
355
00:17:22,308 --> 00:17:24,143
To make Jackie
an honest woman,
356
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:27,246
Then perhaps it's best
Jackie found that out!
357
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:28,614
Hey, Bev?
358
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:30,849
Do yourself a big favor.
Don't get into this.
359
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:33,619
Fred, I have every right
to be involved in this.
360
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:37,423
Unlike you, I am actually
a member of this family.
361
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:40,392
Well, if I ever do become
a member of this family,
362
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,361
I can tell you
one thing right now.
363
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,296
The next time you break
your pelvis having sex,
364
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,699
You're not gonna stay
at our house!
365
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,474
If I understand
this correctly,
366
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:57,843
Unless you had sex
in the shower,
367
00:17:57,844 --> 00:18:00,846
None of this is my fault!
368
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:03,682
[Bev wailing]
369
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:06,318
Guess I wasn't
supposed to say that.
370
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:13,726
Well, I, uh...
371
00:18:13,727 --> 00:18:16,995
Plan to treat Bev
with the utmost
sensitivity.
372
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:19,598
But first,
a raucous laugh.
373
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:23,102
[laughing raucously]
374
00:18:30,377 --> 00:18:31,844
Hi, mom.
375
00:18:31,845 --> 00:18:33,612
Well, I heard
what happened,
376
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:36,548
So, uh, do you wanna
talk about it?
377
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,517
What's left
to talk about?
378
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:41,086
Everybody already knows
all of the details
379
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:44,590
Of the most humiliating
experience of my life--
380
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:47,359
Fred, Dan, you, Jackie.
381
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,195
Oh, wait.
There's little D.J.
382
00:18:50,196 --> 00:18:52,064
What a shame
he had to miss this.
383
00:18:52,065 --> 00:18:54,733
You'll catch him up.
Won't you, dear?
384
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,636
So everybody knows
you had sex.
Big deal.
385
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,138
It's not like you got
in an accident
386
00:18:59,139 --> 00:19:01,840
Wearing dirty
old underpants.
387
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:05,077
Well, it will never
happen again.
388
00:19:05,078 --> 00:19:06,545
I can tell you
that much.
389
00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:10,616
Oh, mom, now you never
were a quitter.
390
00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:14,219
My one attempt with jake
and I almost kill myself.
391
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:15,454
And of course,
with your father
392
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,156
It was always
a disaster.
393
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,726
Oh, god.
394
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:25,564
But you probably don't
wanna talk about this.
395
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:28,834
Oh, well, no, it's not--
it's not that.
396
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:31,737
I just think you're
probably more comfortable,
397
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,605
You know, talkin'
to your friends.
398
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:36,308
My friends?
399
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:39,311
Yes, you're right.
I should talk to my friends.
400
00:19:41,915 --> 00:19:44,783
Well, I mean, unless
you wanna talk to me,
401
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:46,952
Then, you know,
i'm here for ya.
402
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:52,791
So, I guess the thing
is you've never really had...
403
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,828
Uh, any good...
404
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,699
Sexual experiences.
405
00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:05,270
Well, your father
was good in the sense
406
00:20:05,271 --> 00:20:10,175
That he never took longer
than the commercials.
407
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:14,813
That's terrible.
408
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:18,717
Love-making is for men.
They enjoy it very much.
409
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,720
But i'd just as soon
be knitting.
410
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,657
Well, it can be
enjoyable for you, mom.
411
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,826
It can be really
enjoyable, you know?
412
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:30,863
All's you really need is just
to have a partner who is,
413
00:20:30,864 --> 00:20:32,798
You know,
giving and caring,
414
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:35,200
And I really think
that jake is like that.
415
00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:37,436
So, you like it?
416
00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:40,072
[scoffs]
417
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,747
Yeah, mom, I like it.
418
00:20:51,451 --> 00:20:54,319
Well, I don't think
i'll ever enjoy it.
419
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,623
Oh, yeah. All you gotta do
is you just tell the man
420
00:20:57,624 --> 00:20:59,525
What you like
and what you don't like.
421
00:20:59,526 --> 00:21:02,795
Didn't jake do anything
that, you know...
422
00:21:02,796 --> 00:21:04,596
That you liked?
423
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,498
Yes.
424
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,705
Do you wanna tell me
what it was?
425
00:21:12,706 --> 00:21:18,444
Well, he...
426
00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:21,113
Rubbed my shoulders.
427
00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:25,317
Well, that's really nice.
That's good.
428
00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:28,120
Well, you should tell him,
you know, that you enjoyed that.
429
00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:30,789
And then later,
you can tell him,
430
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:33,325
You know,
more intimate things
that you like.
431
00:21:33,326 --> 00:21:36,328
Well, I never had a chance
to learn what I like.
432
00:21:36,329 --> 00:21:39,698
That's really,
really sad.
433
00:21:39,699 --> 00:21:41,834
Well, you know,
maybe it would help
434
00:21:41,835 --> 00:21:44,937
If you tell me
what you like.
435
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:58,183
Uh...I like it when Dan
rubs my shoulders too.
436
00:21:58,184 --> 00:22:00,152
Just like you.
[laughing]
437
00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:02,187
Isn't that funny?
438
00:22:02,188 --> 00:22:05,924
What are the odds?
439
00:22:05,925 --> 00:22:09,661
So this is what it's like
to be a modern woman.
440
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:11,563
Oh, I would've been
so uncomfortable
441
00:22:11,564 --> 00:22:14,333
Having this conversation
with my mother.
442
00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:18,704
Yeah, it's amazing
how things have changed.
443
00:22:24,644 --> 00:22:26,879
[Jake]Bev, that was marvelous.
444
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,114
[Bev]you're really givingand caring,
445
00:22:29,115 --> 00:22:33,652
And you really worked outthat balance problem.
446
00:22:33,653 --> 00:22:35,721
You seem so much freer
447
00:22:35,722 --> 00:22:37,990
And so much moresure of yourself.
448
00:22:37,991 --> 00:22:40,492
Well, I talked to my daughterand she told me
449
00:22:40,493 --> 00:22:43,095
Not to be afraidto ask for what I want.
450
00:22:43,096 --> 00:22:47,333
So, uh, you know, Jake,I wouldn't mind trying again.
451
00:22:47,334 --> 00:22:49,335
Hey, go easy on me.
452
00:22:49,336 --> 00:22:51,937
You know i'm not60 anymore.
453
00:22:51,938 --> 00:22:53,906
Alright.I'll be right back.
454
00:22:53,907 --> 00:22:55,941
I left the light onin the living room.
455
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,875
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