Original subtitles

In the bleak days of 1983...

as England languished in the doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy...

the good, loyal men of the Permanent Assurance Company...

a once-proud family firm recently fallen on hard times...

strained under the yoke of their oppressive new corporate management.

Terrible. Really terrible.

Row!

That's it, Evans. You're fired.

You heard me. Out.

Did you hear that? He's been sacked.

Sacked?

Sacked? Come on, boys. Let's get at 'em.

Come on!

Let me out of here!

I demand to see my lawyer!

Tooley! Come on.

Quiet! Silence!

Now, lads, let's move.

You, you and you, break open the weapons.

You, you and you, into the rigging.

- And you, put the kettle on. - Aye, sir.

There, there, Charles.

Sorry!

Come on, Tooley. This way!

Weigh the anchor!

Weigh the anchor!

Weigh the anchor.

And so, the Crimson Permanent Assurance...

was launched upon the high seas of international finance.

Come on, boy. Watch it. Route. Route!

Cup of tea, dear? Hey, Captain!

Look! To starboard!

There it lay: The prize they sought.

Hard to starboard!

A financial district swollen with multinationals, conglomerates...

and fat, bloated merchant banks.

All right, lads, battle stations!

Come on! Move it!

All right, then. That's enough. Take cover!

Down, down!

Hard to starboard!

Fire!

Eric! My balance sheets!

Ross! Get the readouts!

- Stop him! - Eric!

Thanks! Charge!

No, no! Let me! Let me! Okay, Kane.

Captured!

Gotcha!

Take this.

Here. File this.

Shit!

And so, heartened by their initial success...

the desperate and reasonably violent men of the Permanent Assurance...

battled on, until...

as the sun set slowly in the west...

the outstanding returns on their bold business venture became apparent.

Once-proud financial giants lay in ruins...

their assets stripped...

their policies in tatters.

Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen!

Up, up, up your premium

Scribble away and balance the books

Scribble away, but balance the books

It's fun to charter an accountant

And sail the wide accountancy

To find, explore the funds offshore

And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy

It can be manly in insurance

We'll up your premium semi-annually

It's all tax-deductible We're fairly incorruptible

Sailing on the wide accountancy

And so, they sailed off into the ledgers of history...

one by one, the financial capitals of the world...

crumbling under the might of their business acumen.

Or so it would have been...

if certain modern theories concerning the shape of the world...

had not proved to be disastrously wrong.

'Morning. 'Morning.

'Morning. 'Morning.

What's new? Not much.

'Morning! Good morning! 'Morning!

Frank was just asking what's new. Was he?

Yes.

Hey, look. Howard's being eaten. Is he?

Makes you think, doesn't it?

I mean, what's it all about?

Beats me.

Why are we here, what's life all about?

Is God really real or is there some doubt?

Well, tonight we're going to sort it all out

Tonight it's the meaning of life

What's the point of all this hoax?

Is it the chicken and the egg time?

Are we just yolks?

Or perhaps we're just one of God's little jokes

Well, �a, c'est le meaning of life

Is life just a game where we make up the rules

While we're searching for something to say

Or are we just simply spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA?

In this life what is our fate?

Is there Heaven and Hell?

Do we reincarnate?

Is mankind evolving or is it too late?

Well, tonight here's the meaning of life

For millions this life is a sad vale of tears

Sitting round with rien, nothing to say

While scientists say we're just simply spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA

So just why, why are we here?

And just what, what do we fear?

Well, ce soir, for a change it will all be made clear

For this is the meaning of life

C'est le sens de la vie This is the meaning of life

One thousand and eight!

Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent.

Good. Take her into the fetus-frightening room.

Jolly good.

It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?

Yes.

Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse.

The EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV.

Certainly.

And get the machine that goes, "Ping!"

And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes.

That's it. Bring it right here.

Behind me. Lovely, lovely.

Jolly good. That's better. That's much, much better.

Yes, more like it.

Still something missing, though.

- Patient. - Yes.

Where's the patient?

Patient!

Here she is. Bring it over here.

Mind the machine! Sorry, Doctor.

Come along!

Jump on it.

- Hello. Now don't you worry. - We'll soon have you cured.

Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you.

Good-bye.

- Drips up. - Injections.

- Can I put the tube in the baby's head? - If I can do the episiotomy.

Legs up.

Come in. Come on in, all of you.

That's it. Jolly good. Come on.

Spread round there.

- Who are you? - I'm the husband.

I'm sorry, only people involved are allowed in here.

- What do I do? - Yes?

- What do I do? - Nothing, dear. You're not qualified.

Leave it to us.

What's that for?

That's the machine that goes, "Ping!"

You see? That means your baby is still alive.

And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital.

Yes, it cost over �750,000.

Aren't you lucky!

The administrator is here, Doctor.

Switch everything on.

'Morning, gentlemen.

'Morning. 'Morning.

'Morning, Mr. Pycroft.

Very impressive.

- And what are you doing this morning? - It's a birth.

And what sort of thing is that?

That's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.

Wonderful what we can do nowadays.

I see you have the machine that goes, "Ping!"

This is my favourite.

We lease this back from the company we sold it to.

That way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.

Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.

- The vulva's dilating, Doctor. - Yes, there's the head.

Yes, four centimetres, five, six centimetres.

- Lights! - Amplify the ping machine.

- Masks up! - Suction!

Eyes down for a full house!

Here it comes.

And frighten it.

Thank you.

And the rough towels!

Show it to the mother.

That's enough. Sedate her.

- Number the child. - Measure it, blood-type it and isolate it.

Okay, show's over.

Is it a boy or a girl?

I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?

A word of advice.

You may find you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression...

P.N.D., as we doctors call it.

So, it's lots of happy pills for you...

and you can find out about the birth when you get home.

It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8.

Bloody hell.

Get it, would you, Deirdre? All right, Mum.

Now whose teatime is it? Mine!

Come on. Out you go.

Now, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas...

Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique and Sasha...

it's your bedtime.

Now don't argue!

Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon and...

Wait. I've got something to tell the whole family.

Quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon.

The mill's closed. There's no more work.

We're destitute.

Come in, my little loves.

I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.

No, no, that's the way it is, my loves.

Blame the Catholic Church for not letting me wear a little rubber thing.

They've done some wonderful things in their time.

They've preserved the might and majesty, even mystery of the Church of Rome...

and the sanctity of the Sacrament, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity...

but if they'd let me wear a little rubber thing on the end of my cock...

we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.

Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?

Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest-growing religion in the world.

He's right.

You see, we believe...

Let me put it like this:

There are Jews in the world

There are Buddhists

There are Hindus and Mormons and then

There are those that follow Mohammed

But I've never been one of them

I'm a Roman Catholic

And have been since before I was born

And the one thing they say about Catholics

Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm

You don't have to be a six-footer

You don't have to have a great brain

You don't have to have any clothes on

You're a Catholic the moment Dad came

Because

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Let the heathens spill theirs

On the dusty ground

God shall make them pay

For each sperm that can't be found

Every sperm is wanted

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighbourhood

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon

Spill theirs just anywhere

But God loves those who treat

Their semen with more care

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighbourhood

Every sperm is useful

Every sperm is fine

God needs everybody's

- Mine - And mine

And mine

Let the pagans spill theirs

O'er mountain, hill and plain

God shall strike them down

For each sperm that's spilt in vain

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighbourhood

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

So you see my problem, little ones.

I can't keep you all here any longer.

Speak up!

I can't keep you all here any longer!

God has blessed us so much I can't afford to feed you anymore.

Couldn't you have your balls cut off?

It's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all.

He'd see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to him.

You could have had them pulled off in an accident.

No. Children, I know you're trying to help, but believe me, my mind's made up.

I've given this long and careful thought...

and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you.

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

Look at them. Bloody Catholics.

Filling the bloody world up with people they can't afford to bloody feed.

What are we, dear?

Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.

Why do they have so many children?

Every time they have sexual intercourse they have to have a baby.

- But it's the same with us, Harry. - What do you mean?

I mean we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice.

That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted.

- Really? - And what's more, since we don't believe...

in all that papist claptrap, we can take precautions.

What you mean, lock the door?

No. I mean because we're members of the Protestant Reformed Church...

which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy...

in the mid-16th century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.

What do you mean?

I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you.

Oh, yes, Harry.

And, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old fellow...

I could ensure that when I came off, you would not be impregnated.

That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me.

That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual...

and the individual's right to decide for him or herself.

When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517...

he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing...

but 400 years later, thanks to him...

I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas.

And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom.

- Oh, no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want. - You what?

French Ticklers, black mambos, crocodile ribs.

Sheaths that are designed not only to protect...

but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.

Have you got one?

Have I got one? No, but I can go down the road anytime I want...

and walk into Harry's, and hold my head up high and say, in a loud, steady voice:

"Harry, I want you to sell me a condom.

"In fact, today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant."

- Why don't you? - But they cannot.

Because their church never made the leap out of the Middle Ages...

and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy.

But despite the attempts of Protestants...

to promote the idea of sex for pleasure...

children continue to multiply everywhere.

"And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour.

"And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead...

"in Kadesh Bilgemeth...

"by Shor Ethra Regalion...

"to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda.

"He who brought the butter dish to Balshazar...

"and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon.

"And there, slew they the goats...

"yea, and placed they the bits in little pots."

Here endeth the lesson.

Let us praise God.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord.

You are so big.

You are so big.

So absolutely huge.

So absolutely huge.

Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you.

Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you.

Forgive us, Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying.

And barefaced flattery.

But you're so strong, and, well, just so super.

Fantastic.

Amen, Reverend. Amen.

Now two boys have been found...

rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant.

Some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play...

an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you...

that it was presented to us by the corporation of the town of Sudbury...

to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember...

the names of all those from the Sudbury area...

who so gallantly gave their lives...

to keep China British.

So from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds!

And Jenkins, apparently your mother died this morning.

Chaplain.

O Lord, please don't burn us

Don't grill or toast your flock

Don't put us on the barbecue

Or simmer us in stock

Don't braise or bake or boil us

Or stir-fry us in a wok

Oh, please don't lightly poach us

Or baste us with hot fat

Don't fricassee or roast us

Or boil us in a vat

And please don't stick thy servants, Lord

In a Rotissomat

He's coming!

All right, settle down, settle down.

Before I begin the lesson, will those of you...

playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down...

onto the lower peg immediately after lunch...

before you write home, if you're not getting a haircut...

unless you have a brother going out this weekend as the guest of another boy...

then collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after your haircut.

Make sure he moves your clothes onto the lower peg for you.

- Sir? - Yes, Wymer?

My brother's going out with Dibble this weekend...

but I'm not having my hair cut, so do I move...

I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple.

If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes.

You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your scripture prep...

when you've written your letter home before rest...

move your clothes onto the lower peg, greet the visitors...

and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed.

Now, sex.

Sex, sex, sex. Where were we?

Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina?

- No, sir. - No, sir.

Well, had I done foreplay?

Yes, sir.

As we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me...

what the purpose of foreplay is...

Biggs.

Don't know. Sorry, sir.

Carter?

Was it taking your clothes off, sir?

And after that?

Putting them on a lower peg, sir.

The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate...

so that the penis can penetrate more easily.

Could we open a window, sir?

Yes. Harris, will you?

And, of course, to cause the man's penis to erect and harden.

Now, did I do vaginal juices last week?

Pay attention, Wadsworth! I know it's Friday.

Watching the football?

Boy, move over there. I'm warning you.

I may decide to set an exam this term.

- Oh, sir! - Sir!

So just listen.

Now did I or did I not do vaginal juices?

Yes, sir.

Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.

Rubbing the clitoris, sir?

What's wrong with a kiss, boy?

Why not start her off with a nice kiss?

You don't have to leap straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate.

Give her a kiss, boy.

- Suck the nipple, sir? - Good, good. Well done, Wymer.

Stroking the thighs, sir? Yes. I suppose so.

Biting the neck. Yes, good.

Nibbling the ear lobe, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth.

So we have all these possibilities before we...

stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Now, all these forms of stimulation can now take place.

Of course, tonguing will give you the best idea...

of how the juices are coming along.

Helen?

Now, penetration and coitus, that is to say, intercourse...

up to and including orgasm.

Hello, dear.

Do stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter.

Sorry, sir.

Humphrey, I hope you don't mind. I told the Garfields we'd dine with them tonight.

- Yes, well, I suppose we must. - I said we'd be there by 8:00.

It'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting.

I know you don't like them, but I couldn't make another excuse.

It's just that I felt...

Wymer!

This is for your benefit. Would you kindly wake up?

I've no intention of going through this all again.

We'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear.

No, of course not.

So, the man starts by entering or mounting his good lady wife...

in the standard way.

The penis is now, as you will observe, more or less fully erect.

There we are. That's better.

Now, Carter.

Yes, sir? What is it?

- It's an ocarina, sir. - Bring it up here.

The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area...

moving the penis up and down inside the vagina.

Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table.

While the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation...

by the shaft of the penis by pushing forward.

Thank you, dear.

Now, as the sexual excitement mounts...

What's funny, Biggs?

Nothing, sir.

Do, please, share your little joke with the rest of us.

Obviously something frightfully funny is going on.

No, honestly, sir.

Well, as it's so funny, I think you'd better be selected to play...

for the boys' team in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon.

Oh, no, sir!

Well played, well played.

Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters, you take the buggers on the left flank.

Hordern, Spadger and I will go for the gun post.

Hang on. You'll never make it. Let us come.

Do as you're told.

Right, Skipper. Oh, sir?

If we don't meet again, sir...

I'd just like to say it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you, sir.

Yes, well, this is hardly the time or place for a good-bye speech.

Me and the lads realise that, sir, but, well, we may never meet again, so...

All right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot.

No, just a moment, sir.

Me and the lads, we've had a little whip around.

We've bought you something. We bought you this.

I don't know what to say.

It's a lovely thought. Thank you. Thank you all.

But I think we'd better get to cover...

We've got something else for you as well, sir.

Sorry it's another clock, only there was a bit of a mix-up.

Walters thought he was buyin' a present...

and Spadger and I had already got the other one.

Well, it's beautiful. They're both beautiful.

We'd better get to cover now. I'll thank you properly later on.

Corporal Sturridge got this for you.

He didn't know about the others. It's Swiss.

Now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge. Good man.

There's a card, sir, from all of us. Sorry about the blood, sir.

Thank you all.

Squad! Three cheers for Captain Biggs.

I'll be all right.

There's just one other thing, sir. Spadger, give him the cheque.

This is really going too far.

I don't seem to be able to find it, sir. It'll be in No. 4 trench.

For Christ's sake, forget it, man.

You shouldn't have said that, sir.

You've hurt his feelings now.

Don't mind me, Spadge. Toffs are all the same.

One minute, it's all please and thank you. The next, they'll kick you in the teeth.

- Let's not give him the cake. - I don't want any cake.

Look. Blackitt cooked it especially for you, you bastard.

He saved his rations for six weeks, sir.

- I don't mean to be ungrateful. - I'll be all right...

Blackie! Blackie!

Look at him! He worked on that cake like no one else I've ever known.

Some nights it was so cold we could hardly move...

but Blackitt'd be slicing the lemons, mixing the sugar and the almonds.

I mean, you try getting butter to melt at 15 degrees below zero.

There's love in that cake. This man's love and this man's care...

- Oh, my Christ! - You bastard.

All right, we will eat the cake.

They're right. It's too good a cake not to eat.

- Get the plates and knives, Walters. - Yes, sir. How many?

Six.

Better make it five.

- Tablecloth, sir? - Yes, get the tablecloth.

No, no, I'll get the tablecloth.

You better get the gate-leg table, Hordern.

- And the little lamp, sir? - Yes.

While you're at it, you'd better get a doily.

I'll bring two in case one gets crumpled.

Okay!

But, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right. Stop that.

It's all very well to laugh at the military, but when one considers...

the meaning of life, it's a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life.

Without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint...

against other more aggressive ideologies...

then reasonableness and moderation could quite simply disappear.

That is why we'll always need an army.

May God strike me down were it to be otherwise.

Don't stand there gawping...

like you've never seen the hand of God before!

Now, today we're going to do marching up and down the square.

That is, unless any of you've got anything better to do.

Well?

Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing...

than marchin' up and down the square?

Yes! Atkinson.

What would you rather be doing, Atkinson?

To be quite honest, Sarge, I'd rather be home with the wife and kids.

Would you now?

Yes, Sarge.

Right. Off you go.

Now.

Everybody else happy with my little plan...

of marching up and down the square a bit?

Sarge? Yes?

I've got a book I'd quite like to read. Go read your book then. Now!

Everybody else quite content to join in...

with my little scheme of marchin' up and down the square?

Sarge?

Yes, Wyclif, what is it?

Well, I'm learning the piano.

Learning the piano?

Yes, Sarge.

And I suppose you want to go practise?

Marchin' up and down the square not good enough for you?

- Well... - Right! Off you go!

Now, what about the rest of you?

Rather be at the pictures, I suppose.

All right! Off you go!

Bloody army. I don't know what it's coming to.

Right. Sergeant Major marching up and down the square.

Democracy and humanitarianism are trademarks of the British Army.

Rubbish!

And have stamped its triumph in the furthest-flung corners of the Empire.

But no matter where or when there was fighting to be done...

it has always been the calm leadership of the officer class...

that has made the British Army what it is.

Excuse me.

- 'Morning, Ainsworth. - 'Morning, Pakenham. Sleep well?

Not bad. Bitten to shreds, though.

Must be that hole in the bloody mosquito net.

Yes, savage little blighters, aren't they?

- Excuse me, sir. - Yes, Chadwick?

I'm afraid Perkins got badly bitten during the night.

So did we.

Yes, but I do think Doctor ought to see him.

- Well, go and fetch him then. - Right you are, sir.

Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham?

Yes, I suppose so.

Come on, boy.

'Morning, Perkins. 'Morning, sir.

What's all the trouble, then?

Bitten, sir. During the night.

- Whole leg gone? - Yes.

- How's it feel? - Stings a bit.

Well, it would, wouldn't it?

That's quite a bite you've got there.

- Yes. A real beauty, isn't it? - Any idea how it happened?

None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me.

Woke up just now, one sock too many.

- Must have a hell of a hole in your net. - We've sent for the doctor.

- Hardly worth it, is it? - Yes. Better safe than sorry.

Yes. Good Lord, look at this.

By Jove! That's enormous.

You don't think it'll come back, do you?

- For more, you mean? - Yes.

- We'd better get it stitched. - Right.

Hello, Doc!

'Morning. I came as fast as I could. Is something up?

Yes. During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten, sort of, off.

Yeah. Been in the wars, have we?

Yes.

Any headache? Bowels all right?

Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then.

Yes. Yes.

- Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about. - Good.

There's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. Keep warm, plenty of rest...

and if you're playing football or anything, try and favour the other leg.

Right.

As right as rain in a couple of days.

- Thanks for the reassurance. - Not at all. That's what I'm here for.

Any other problems I can reassure you about?

No, I'm fine.

Jolly good. Well, must be off.

So it'll just grow back again, then, will it?

I think I'd better come clean with you about this.

It's not a virus, I'm afraid.

You see, a virus is what we doctors call very, very small.

So small it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg.

What we're looking for, this is no more than an educated guess...

I'd like to make that clear, is some multicellular life form...

with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth, about 11-foot long...

and of the genus Felis horribilis.

What we doctors, in fact, call a tiger.

A tiger?

A tiger?

A tiger in Africa?

A tiger in Africa?

- It's probably escaped from a zoo. - Doesn't sound very likely to me.

Sir! Sir!

The attack's over, sir. The Zulus are retreating.

Jolly good.

Quite a lot of casualties, sir. C- division wiped out. Signal's gone.

- Thirty men killed in F-section. - I see.

I should think about 150 men altogether, sir.

Jolly good.

I haven't got the final figures, but there's a lot of seriously wounded...

Yes, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here.

One of the officers has lost a leg.

- Oh, no, sir! - I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger.

In Africa?

The M.O. Says we can stitch it back on if we can find it immediately.

- Right, sir. I'll organise a party. - It's hardly the time for that, Sergeant.

- A search party. - Much better idea.

Sorry about the mess.

We'll try to clear it up by the time you get back.

We showed 'em, right, sir? Yes.

We got a search party. Leave that alone.

All this killing, bloodshed, bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?

Very good.

- 'Morning, sir. - Nasty wound you've got there, fella.

Thank you very much, sir.

Come on, Private. Making up a search party.

Better than staying home, isn't it?

At home if you kill someone, they arrest you.

Here, they give you a gun and show you what to do.

I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me.

Here, they'll give me a fucking medal, sir.

Sorry, sir.

Thank you.

Look!

My God! It's huge!

Don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger.

We were just...

Why are you dressed as a tiger?

- Oh, why, why, why? - Isn't it a lovely day today?

Answer the question.

- We were just... - Well, we're dressed like this because...

No, that's not it.

We did it for a laugh. Part of a spree. High spirits.

- Simple as that. - Nothing more to it.

Actually, we're on a mission for British intelligence.

- There's a pro-tsarist Ashanti Chief... - No, no, no.

- No, no, no. - No. We're doing it for an advertisement.

That's it. Forget about the Russians.

We're doing an advert for Tiger brand coffee.

"Tiger brand coffee is a real treat. Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat."

Now, look... All right, all right.

We are dressed as a tiger because he has an auntie who did it in 1839.

- This is the 50th anniversary. - We're doing it for a bet.

- God told us to do it. - To tell the truth, we are completely mad.

We're inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution...

and we escaped by making this skin out of old used cereal packets.

It doesn't matter! What?

It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger.

Have they got my leg?

Good thinking. Well, have you?

- Actually... - Yes?

We were thinking of training as taxidermists.

We wanted the feel from the animal's point of view.

Quiet! Now look, we're just asking you if you've got this man's leg.

- A wooden leg? - No, no, a proper leg.

He was fast asleep, and someone or something came in and removed it.

Without waking him up?

- Yes. - I don't believe you.

We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo.

The owner wanted it taken to Dar es Salaam.

Shut up! Now look, have you or have you not got his leg?

- Yes. - No.

No, no, no.

- Why did you say yes? - I didn't.

I'm not talking to you.

Right. Search the thicket.

Come on. Do we look like the sort of chaps who'd creep into a camp at night...

steal into someone's tent, anaesthetise them, tissue-type 'em...

amputate a leg and run away with it?

Search the thicket.

Leg! You're looking for a leg!

Actually, I think there is one in there somewhere.

Someone must've abandoned it here, knowing you'd come after it.

We stumbled across it, actually. They'll be miles away by now.

I expect we'll have to take all the blame as usual.

Hello, good evening and welcome to The Middle of the Film.

Hello, and welcome to The Middle of the Film...

the moment where we take a break to invite you...

to join us, the filmmakers, in Find the Fish.

We're going to show you a scene from another film...

and ask you to guess where the fish is.

But if you think you know, don't keep it to yourselves.

Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you.

So here we are with Find the Fish.

I wonder where that fish has gone.

You did love it so.

You looked after it like a son.

And it went wherever I did go.

- Is it in the cupboard? - Yes!

Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish.

And it went wherever I did go.

It's behind the sofa! Where can that fish be?

Have you thought of the bureau?

It is a most elusive fish.

And it went wherever I did go.

Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish.

Fish, fish, fish...

Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!

That went wherever I did go.

Look up his trunk! His trousers!

That was terrific! Great! Yeah!

Best bit so far. Fantastic!

Really risky, yeah.

They haven't said much about the meaning of life so far, have they?

It's been building up to it. Has it?

Yeah, I expect they'll get onto it now.

Personally, I doubt they're going to say anything about the meaning of life at all.

They've gotta say something. They're bound to.

Yeah.

Wonder what the next bit will be. Caption, I expect.

About the next stage of life, you mean? Here we go.

That's much better. Thank you, honey.

You're welcome.

It was all sort of misty before. That's fine.

- Hey! How are you? - We're just fine.

What kind of food would you like this evening?

We sort of like pineapple.

Yeah, we love pineapple.

Yeah, anything with pineapple in it is great for us.

How about the Dungeon Room?

- That sounds fine. - Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food...

served in an authentic medieval English dungeon atmosphere.

Isn't this nice?

Why not.

Take a little Kodak.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Good evening. Would you care for something to talk about?

- That would be wonderful. - Our special tonight is minorities.

That sounds real interesting.

What's this conversation here?

That's football. You can talk about the Steelers-Bears game Saturday...

or you could reminisce about really great World Series.

No.

- What is this one here? - That's philosophy.

Is that a sport?

No, it's more of an attempt to construct a viable hypothesis...

to explain the meaning of life.

What was that? What's he saying?

That sounds wonderful.

Would you like to talk about the meaning of life, darling?

Sure. Why not?

- Philosophy for two? - Right.

- Room? - 259.

259.

How do we...

You folks want me to start you off?

We'd appreciate that.

Okay!

Look. Have you ever wondered just why you're here?

We went to Miami last year and California the year before...

No, no, no. I mean, why we're here, on this planet.

No.

Right. You ever wanted to know what it's all about?

Nope.

Righty-ho!

See, throughout history, there have been certain men and women...

who've tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence.

- Great! - And we call these guys philosophers.

- And that's what we're talking about. - Right!

That's neat.

You look like you're getting the idea, so I'll give you these conversation cards.

They'll tell you a little about philosophical method, names of famous philosophers.

There you are.

- Have a nice conversation. - Thank you very much.

- He's cute. - Yeah, real understanding.

I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher.

Yeah. He's the one that begins with an "S."

Like Nietzsche.

Does "Nietzsche" begin with an "S"?

There's an "S" in "Nietzsche."

Yes, there is.

Do all philosophers have an "S" in them?

Yeah. I think most of them do.

Does that mean Salena Jones is a philosopher?

Yeah! Right!

She could be. She sings about the meaning of life.

Yeah. That's right.

But I don't think she writes her own material.

No.

Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material.

No. Burt Bacharach writes it.

There's no "S" in "Burt Bacharach."

Or in "Hal David."

Who's Hal David?

He writes the lyrics. Burt just writes the tunes.

Only now, he's married to Carole Bayer Sager.

Waiter? This conversation isn't very good.

I'm sorry, sir.

We do have one today that's not on the menu.

It's sort of a specialty of the house, you know? Live organ transplants.

Live organ transplants? What's that?

Don't worry, dear. I'll get it.

Yes? Hello. Can we have your liver?

What? Your liver.

It's a large glandular organ in your abdomen.

You know, it's reddish-brown, sort of...

Yeah, yeah, I know what it is, but I'm using it.

Come on, sir. Don't muck us about.

Hello!

- What's this, then? - A liver donor's card.

- Need we say more? - No.

Listen, I can't give it you now. It says, "in the event of death."

My God!

No one has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived.

Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute.

Here. What's going on?

He's donating his liver, madam.

Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?

- That's right, madam. - Typical of him.

He goes down to the public library, sees a few signs up...

comes home all full of good intentions.

He gives blood, does cold research, all that sort of thing.

What do you do with them all, anyway?

They all go to saving lives, madam.

That's what he used to say.

"It's all for the good of the country," he used to say.

Do you think it's all for the good of the country?

Do you think it's all for the good of the country?

I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just doing our jobs, you know?

You're not doctors, then?

Blimey, no.

Mum, Dad, I'm off out now. I'll see you about 7:00?

Right, son. Look after yourself.

You fancy a cup of tea?

That'd be very nice. Thank you.

Thank you very much, madam.

I thought she'd never ask.

You do realise he has to be...

dead by the terms of the card...

before he donates his liver.

I told him that, but he never listens to me, silly man.

I mean, I was wonderin'...

what you was thinkin' of doin' after that.

I mean will you stay on your own?

Or is there, well, someone else, sort of...

on the horizon?

I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime.

Not at all. Very attractive woman.

Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again.

- Sure? - Sure.

Can we have your liver then?

I would be scared.

All right.

I'll tell you what.

Listen to this.

Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown

And things seem hard or tough

And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft

And you feel that you've had quite enough

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving

And revolving at 900 miles an hour

It's orbiting at 19 miles a second So it's reckoned

A sun that is the source of all our power

The sun and you and me And all the stars that we can see

Are moving at a million miles a day

In an outer spiral arm at 40,000 miles an hour

Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way

Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars

It's a 100,000 light years side to side

It bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick

But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide

We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point

We go round every 200 million years

And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions

In this amazing and expanding universe

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding

In all of the directions it can whizz

As fast as it can go The speed of light you know

Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is

So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure

How amazingly unlikely is your birth

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space

'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth

Makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Can we have your liver, then?

- Yeah, all right. You talked me into it. - Eric!

Which brings us, once again, to the urgent realization...

of just how much there is still left to own.

Item 6 on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life."

Now, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.

I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks.

What we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts.

One: People are not wearing enough hats.

Two: Matter is energy.

In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive.

Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul.

However, this soul does not exist ab initio...

as orthodox Christianity teaches.

It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation.

However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability...

to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.

What was that about hats again?

People aren't wearing enough.

Is this true?

Certainly. Hat sales have increased, but not pari passu as our research...

When you say "enough," enough for what purpose?

Can I just ask, with reference to your second point...

when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted...

Has anyone noticed that building there before?

What?

Good Lord!

Good Lord!

The Crimson Permanent Assurance!

We interrupt to apologise for this unwarranted attack...

by the supporting feature.

Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality...

and are now taking steps to remedy it.

Thank you.

Good evening. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis

Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong

It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick

From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick

So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas

Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake

Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend your percy or your cock

You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock

But don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock

And you won't come back Thank you very much.

- What a frightfully witty song. - Terribly clever.

- Jolly good. - Marvelous.

Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote!

- Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today? - Better.

- Better? - Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.

Gaston? A bucket for monsieur.

There we are, monsieur.

- Merci, Gaston. - I haven't finished.

Pardon! Gaston? A thousand pardons, monsieur.

Now, this afternoon, we have monsieur's favourite: The jugged hare.

The hare is very high, and the sauce is very rich...

with truffles, anchovies, Grand Marnier, bacon and cream.

Thank you, Gaston.

There's still more.

Allow me.

A new bucket for monsieur.

And the cleaning woman.

Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an ap�ritif...

or would he prefer to order straight away?

Today, we have for appetizers... Excuse me.

Moules marini�res, p�t� de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs benedictine...

tarte de poireaux, that's leek tart...

frogs' legs amandine or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd.

C'est-�-dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pur�ed mushrooms.

It's very delicate, very succulent.

I'll have the lot.

A wise choice, monsieur.

And now, how would you like it served? All mixed up together in a bucket?

Yeah. With the eggs on top.

- But of course. Avec des oeufs frits. - Don't skimp on the p�t�.

I assure you. Just because it's mixed up with all the other things...

we wouldn't give you less than the full amount.

In fact, I will personally make sure you have a double helping.

Maintenant, quelque chose � boire. Something to drink?

Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Ch�teau Latour '45.

And a double jeroboam of champagne.

Bon. And the usual brown ales?

Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I could only manage six crates today.

I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night.

- Shut up! - D'accord.

The new bucket and the cleaning woman.

- Is there something wrong with the food? - No, the food was excellent.

- You're not happy with the service? - No, no complaints.

It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period.

And we have a train to catch.

Yes, of course. We have a train to catch.

And I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats.

- Madam? - Perhaps we should be going?

Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much. So nice to see you.

I hope very much we will see you again very soon.

Au revoir, messieurs.

Oh, dear. I have trodden in monsieur's bucket.

Another bucket for monsieur!

And perhaps a hose.

Oh, Max. Really!

Finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.

Sir, it's only a tiny, little thin one.

- No, fuck off. I'm full. - Sir.

It's only wafer thin.

I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed.

Bugger off.

Sir, just one. Just one.

- All right. Just one. - Just the one, monsieur.

Voil�.

Bon app�tit.

Thank you, monsieur, and now, here's your cheque.

You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder if we'll...

ever discover the meaning of it all...

working in a place like this.

Well, I've worked in worse places, philosophically speaking.

Really, Maria?

Yes.

I used to work in the Acad�mie fran�aise.

But it didn't do me any good at all.

I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid...

but it didn't teach me nothin', I recall.

And the Library of Congress you'd have thought would hold some key...

but it didn't, and neither did the Bodleian Library.

In the British Museum, I hoped to find some clue.

I worked there from 9:00 till 6:00, read every volume through...

but it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery.

I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see.

Till eventually, me eyes went, and me arthritis got bad.

So now, I'm cleaning up in here.

But I can't be really sad...

'cause you see, I feel that life's a game.

You sometimes win or lose...

and though I may be down right now...

at least I don't work for Jews.

I'm so sorry.

I had no idea we had a racist working here.

I apologise most sincerely. I mean...

Where are you going? No, I can explain.

As for me...

if you want to know what I think, I'll show you something.

Come with me. I was saying that...

Hello? Come on.

Hello?

This way.

Come on. Don't be shy.

Mind the stairs, all right?

I think this will help explain.

Come along.

Over here.

Come on. Come on.

This way.

Come on.

This way.

Stay by me?

Nearly there now.

You see that?

That's where I was born.

You know, one day...

my mother put me on her knee and she said to me:

"Gaston, my son.

"The world is a beautiful place.

"You must go into it and love everyone.

"Try to make everyone happy...

"and bring peace and contentment everywhere you go."

So I became a waiter.

It's not much of a philosophy, I know.

Fuck you. I can live my own life in my own way if I want to.

Fuck off.

Don't come followin' me!

This man is about to die.

In a few moments now, he will be killed...

for Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal...

who has been allowed to choose the manner of his own execution.

There he is!

"Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie MacAdam Jarrett...

"you have been convicted by 12 good persons, and true...

"of the crime of first-degree making of gratuitous sexist jokes...

"in a moving picture."

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

It's no good. I just can't go on.

I'm no good anymore.

I want to end it all!

Good-bye! Good-bye!

Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

What'll I do? I can't live without him!

Mummy! Mum, where are you?

Daddy? Mummy?

Mummy?

Yes?

Is it about the hedge?

I'm awfully sorry, but... I am the Grim Reaper.

Who?

The Grim Reaper. Yes, I see.

I am death.

Well, we have some people from America for dinner tonight...

Who is it, darling? A Mr. Death or something.

He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any now.

Hello. Don't leave him hanging around outside. Ask him in.

- I don't think it's quite the moment. - Do come in. Come and have a drink.

Do. Come on.

It's one of the little men from the village.

Do come in. Please.

This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia.

- And his wife, Debbie. - Hello there.

And these are the Portland-Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.

Good evening.

This is Mr. Death.

Well, do get Mr. Death a drink. Yes.

Mr. Death is a reaper.

The Grim Reaper.

Hardly surprising in this weather.

So you still reap around here, do you, Mr. Death?

I am the Grim Reaper.

That's about all he says. There's your drink, Mr. Death.

Do sit down.

We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the third...

Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we don't have any beer.

The Stilton's awfully good.

I am not of this world.

Good Lord.

I am death.

Isn't that extraordinary?

We were talking about death five minutes ago.

Yes, we were. You know, whether death is really the end...

As my husband Howard here feels, or whether there is...

and one hates to use words like soul or spirit...

- What other words can one use? - Exactly.

You do not understand.

No. Obviously not.

I'll tell you something, Mr. Death. You don't...

I'd like to express on behalf of everybody here...

what a really unique experience this is.

- Hear, hear. - We're so delighted that you dropped in.

- Can I just finish, please? - Mr. Death. Is there an afterlife?

- If you could wait, please... - You sure you wouldn't like some sherry...

Angela, I'd like to say this, please.

Quiet! Can I just say this, please?

Silence! I have come for you.

You mean to... Take you away.

That is my purpose.

I am death.

Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?

I don't see it that way, Geoff. I think we're dealing with...

a potentially positive learning experience that can...

Shut up! Shut up, you American.

You always talk, you Americans.

You talk and you talk and you say:

"Let me tell you something," and, "I just wanna say this."

Well, you're dead now, so shut up!

Dead? Dead.

All of us? All of you.

Now look here. You barge in here quite uninvited, break glasses...

then announce quite casually that we're all dead.

I'd remind you that you're a guest in this house...

Be quiet!

Englishmen! You're all so fucking pompous!

None of you have got any balls.

Can I ask you a question? What?

How can we all have died at the same time?

The salmon mousse.

Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?

I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.

Now the time has come.

Follow.

Follow me.

Just testing. Sorry.

Follow me. Now.

Come.

The fishmonger promised me he'd have fresh salmon.

He's normally so reliable.

Can we take our glasses? Good idea.

Hey! I didn't even eat the mousse.

Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed.

It really is embarrassing.

To serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death.

Shall we take our cars? Why not?

Good idea.

Behold paradise.

- I love it here, darling. - Me, too, Marvin.

Hello. Welcome to Heaven.

Excuse me. Could you just sign here, please, sir?

Thank you. There's a table for you through there, in the restaurant.

- For the ladies. - Afterlife mints. Thank you.

Happy Christmas. Is it Christmas today?

Of course, madam. It's Christmas every day in Heaven.

How about that? Lovely.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

It's truly a real honourable experience to be here this evening...

a very wonderful and warm...

and emotional moment for all of us.

And I'd like to sing a song for all of you.

It's Christmas in Heaven

All the children sing

It's Christmas in Heaven

Hark, hark, those church bells ring

It's Christmas in Heaven

The snow falls from the sky

But it's nice and warm

And everyone looks smart and wears a tie

It's Christmas in Heaven

There's great films on TC

The Sound of Music twice an hour

And Jaws I, II and III

There's gifts for all the family

There's toiletries and trains

There's Sony Walkman headphone sets

And the latest video games

It's Christmas in Heaven

Hip-hip-hooray

Every single day is Christmas Day

It's Christmas in Heaven

Every single day is...

That's the end of the film. Now here's the meaning of life.

Thank you, Brigitte.

It's nothing special. "Try to be nice to people. Avoid eating fat.

"Read a good book now and then. Get some walking in.

"Try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations."

Finally, here are some gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors...

and hopefully spark controversy, which is the only way...

to get the jaded video-sated public off their asses and back in the cinema.

Family entertainment? Bollocks. They want filth:

People doing things to each other with chain saws.

Babysitters stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates.

Vigilante groups strangling chickens.

Armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats.

Where's the fun in pictures?

Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music.

Good night.

~ Just remember that you're standing on a planet ~

~ That's evolving and revolving at 900 miles an hour ~

~ It's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned ~

~ A sun that is the source of all our power ~

~ The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see ~

~ Are moving at a million miles a day ~

~ In an outer spiral arm at 40,000 miles an hour ~

~ Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way ~

~ Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars ~

~ It's a hundred thousand light years side to side ~

~ It bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick ~

~ But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide ~

~ We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point ~

~ We go round every 200 million years ~

~ And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions ~

~ In this amazing and expanding universe ~

~ The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding ~

~ In all of the directions it can whizz ~

~ As fast as it can go at the speed of light you know ~

~ Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is ~

~ So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure ~

~ How amazingly unlikely is your birth ~

~ And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space ~

~ 'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth. ~