All language subtitles for Poppas House s01e03 Podcast.eng

Okay, Mr. Gray, time to go away.

All right, that's it.

[pained grunt]

Nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope.

[sniffs]
Oh.

What are you doing?

What the hell are you doing?

You're the one
sniffing your fingers.

I was just getting
- rid of my grays. - In the kitchen?

Yeah. It's the beauty
of not living with a woman.

Wow. These, uh, all these
hairs came out of your nose?

No. Lower.

Your chest?

Lower, around the back.

Your butt? Oh, yuck.

Man, what are you, a dandelion?

Yeah. Make a wish.[blows]

[screams]

Oh, God, man.

Ah! Do you even wipe?

That's what you get
for spying on me.

Ah! Come on!

If I get pink eye, dude...

I wasn't spying on you.

I was simply admiring
my super-duper handsome dad

through a camera lens.

Oh, boy,
you're complimenting me.

What's that gonna cost?

Wh-Why-Why-Why--

Why do you always think
I want something from you?

B-B-B-B-Because you always do.

So cut the crap.
What do you want?

Well, hero, I have
a wonderful opportunity

to win $50,000

at a festival by
submitting a documentary

about something
that inspires me.

It's gonna be a
day in the life

of Damon "Poppa"
Fulton Sr.

Right? Stylized,
zooms, Dutch angles.

People talking
to the camera.

Like a real documentary,
like The Office.

He doesn't know that The Office
is a TV show.

And I don't have the heart
to tell him.

My dad thinks I'm stupid.
I'm not, all right?

The Office is real.

And my documentary is called
Icon: The Man Who Doesn't Quit.

I mean, he had me at "icon."

I knew I'd get him with "icon."

? Poppa's ?

? House ?

? Yeah. ?

Yes, delicious.

I love what I'm seeing,
I love what I'm seeing.

Get it in my eyes.
Yes. Most definitely.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, that was great,
that was great.

Now can you walk in
one more time,

but, like, this time,
a little more icon-y?

Icons don't repeat their walks.

The balloons should
say "Happy Birthday,"

not "Sorry for your loss."

She's turning 16,
not getting a hysterectomy.

Ow.

Sorry, I just sometimes
hate being the boss.

Okay, well, uh, you're not
the boss here, all right?

You're my P.A., so
maybe could you focus?

Maybe I could focus
if you maybe paid me?

I told that boy,
rule number one:

Never work with your wife.

Good morning, Poppa.

What's going on here?

My son is shooting
a documentary about me.

[gasps] Should I have powdered?

No. It's not about you.

- It's about me.
- Oh.

Pay no attention
to us little flies.

We're not even here. Buzz, buzz.

Buzz, buzz, b--

Not even here.

- Very stealthy.
- Thanks.

I'm ready to do my promos.

Oh, no need.
AI already did it.

AI? Allen Iverson did my promos?

[laughing]:
No, watch this.

[dance beat playing]

Hey!

This is Big Poppa
from Poppa's House,

and if you're anything like me,

a man of a certain age,

you get down
when you can't get it up.

[chuckles]
I've tried everything.

Hypnosis, yelling at it,

Popsicle sticks. Shoot.

And you know what they say:

Once it goes flat, mm,
it never comes back.

[laughs]

At least that's what I thought
until I tried these Upsies.

Now, I'm stiffer
than a three-day-old corpse.

[laughs]

So, brother, when you get down,
get these Upsies.

[spring sound effect]

Upsies. Upsies.

Upsies.

What in the Milli Vanilli
is going on here?

I never said any of that.

And you never would.
You hate recording promos.

Which is why we
did it for you.

Think of all the
time we'll save.

How do they think
they can replace me

with artificial intelligence?

AI doesn't have what I have,
which is EI:

Emotional intelligence.

This is so wrong.

No, this is the
future, Poppa.

JUNIOR: Yes, give it to me,
give it to me, give it to me.

Yes, yes, yes, yes,
I'm loving this.

I'm loving this.
So much confusion in the eyes.

Yes, do that.
Drizzle it, tickle it.

Ah, yes.

Honey, hello? Earth to Nina?
What are you doing?

Trying to lock down a five-foot
chocolate lava fountain.

And if you say
to swim in it,

I swear you will catch
a boom to the head.

I'm sorry, honey, but can you
focus on the task at hand?

Mr. Director, sidebar?

[both whispering]

JUNIOR:
I just-- I understand.

[whispering]

Everyone, I have great news.

Uh, our P.A. is no longer
a production assistant,

she is now a full-on
producer. Studio head.

JUNIOR:
Studio head. She's a studio head.

Uh, and first order
of her new position

is for me to, and I quote,
"shut my fat mouth."

Yes, thank you
for the clarification, honey.

I love that.

Zipping the fatty.[laughs]

I love working with
my wife. It's so easy.

? ?

Can you believe

they're using
artificial intelligence

to make me say things
I would never, ever say?

Yeah, "yelling at it"?

"Popsicle sticks"? Really?

Yeah, sometimes
you got to splint it.

Anyway,

I'm gonna sue them.

Okay, okay, calm down.

It is a new world,
Fred Flintstone, okay?

And AI is our friend,
it's gonna help people.

Right, help them be unemployed.

Because that's their endgame.

Soon, it's gonna be four guys
with eight Popsicle sticks,

pressing buttons,
controlling the world.

Okay, here we go with
the conspiracy theories.

Now listen, I know that this
is really, really hard for you.

[laughing]

[cackling]

You get it? You see,
I told you I was hilarious.

Look, this is no time
for your unfunny jokes.

This thing has
got me feeling very...

Impotent.

[cackles]

[snorts, laughs]

Okay, Grand Canyon.
[mocking laugh, snorts]

[snorting]

What is that supposed to mean?

I don't know.
You're the funny one.

What do you think it means?

Well, it feels
like it has many meanings.

Oh, yeah.
Well, go ahead and pick one.

Okay, well, to me it means...

I'm one of the wonders
of the world.

Okay, Grand Canyon,
we'll go with that,

[imitating echo]:
with that, with that, with that.

Would you like
a doughnut, Poppa?

I told you, I'm diabetic.
Are you trying to kill me?

You know, whenever you
come in here with sweet treats

it means you have sour news.
What's up?

I'm so transparent.

Sorry, but you're wanted in HR.

Someone overheard you
say "Grand Canyon"

and they know what that means...

[imitating echo]:
means, means.

Let's start at the beginning.

Creating a hostile
work environment,

filed by anonymous.

Intimidation, also anonymous.

Asking Allen to pull
your finger, anonymous.

Okay, I'm anonymous.

You know what? This is fine,
but it's all old stuff.

KAREN:
Oh, you want new stuff?

How about "Grand Canyon"?
What does that even mean?

[chuckling]:
I don't know.

What do you think it means?

Well, people come

from all around to see it,

and you need a donkey
to explore it.

Bingo. That's what
it means, then. [laughs]

Knock it off, I know
exactly what it means.

It's completely inappropriate.

You know, in its totality,

this is a clear breach
of your contract.

Breach, sister.
Breach, sister.

What about my rights?
Whatever happened to consent?

There was a time that
if you stole my wallet,

you would be charged
with a crime.

But now you can steal my soul,
profit off it,

and there's nothing
I can do about it?

I am loving all of this.
Yes, yes, yes.

- Who are you?
- Oh, hi.

I'm, uh, Damon Fulton Jr.,
uh, the director.

[chuckles]
Get out.

Oh, I like that fire.
Let's go with that.

Yes, you're
a natural-born villain,

that's what you are.

You're Omarosa
meets Mommie Dearest

with just a splash of
Ursula the Sea Witch.

Oh, you look
crazy up close.

And security is here.
And he's big.

And he's Black.

With a little ponytail.
Don't love that.

And I'm leaving.
[whistles]

I know you did not
just whistle at me.

Mr. Fulton,
we own your likeness.

ALLEN:
Corporate feels very confident

that Dr. Reed could do
the show on her own.

- Are you threatening me?
- ALLEN: No.

I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Just the messenger.

And beneficiary.

KAREN:
Now,

we can do this the easy way

or we can play hardball.

You just said "hard" and "ball"
in the same sentence.

Why don't you
write that down?

You really should.

[mouthing]

[door slams]

I don't care.

I need it thick
and I need it brown.

Just get it done.

- Nina, what are you doing?
- Wondering where the hell

my five-foot chocolate
lava fountain is.

Well, I need
quiet on my set,

so hang up the
phone and focus.

Yes, sir.

[Junior chuckles]

Good girl.

- NINA: I am?
- JUNIOR: Yeah, you are.

- Are you okay?
- Don't ruin it.

Ooh.

- How'd it go?
- How'd it go?

You really want to know?

Huh. Listen to my flow.

[console beeps]

? Yo, I just got bullied
and bamboozled ?

? Totally disrespected ?

? I'm emotionally fondled,
so I'm feeling dejected ?

? This company I gave 25 years ?

? Are making me realize
my greatest fear ?

? They're trying to erase me
and disgrace me ?

? By using a digital me
to replace me ?

? Well, they don't know
who they messing with ?

? Because what you see
is what you get ?

? I'm out, like a scout
on a brand-new route ?

? No diggity, peace out. ?

And I just want to say
to all my fans,

to my audience,
and I want to thank you

for 25 years
of your love and support.

I couldn't have done this
without you.

We did this.

And I want y'all to know
not a day will go by

where I don't remember
our...

? Good times ?

? ?

? These are the good times. ?

Poppa, please
don't do this.

Never make a decision
from a place of anger.

We can still make
this show work.

Woman, you sound just like them.

Maybe that's because
you got what you wanted.

My audience, my chair, my show.

I didn't ask for any of that.

Yeah, well,
you know what?

They're coming for you next, regardless.

And cut.

Wow, excellent work.
Loved the rhymes.

Um, now, can we do one where
you actually keep your job?

Yeah, the, uh, documentary's
literally called

Icon: The Man
Who Doesn't Quit,

so let's keep that job,
you know?

And...

- action.
- Stop!

It's over.

Put the damn camera away.

Dad, you have to go back
to work to finish this.

I don't have to do anything

except pay taxes and die.

Besides all you care about
is completing

this stupid little documentary
so you can get your 50 grand.

Look, is 50 grand
important to me? Yes.

Is it more important to me
than my dad and his happiness?

Also yes.

But-- and this is
the $50,000 "but"--

I love you and I think
quitting is a mistake.

Standing on principle
is never a mistake.

Fine, I'm gonna stand on
principle too, then, all right?

I'm quitting
the documentary.

And while I'm at it,
I'm gonna quit my marriage.

Quit being a dad.
Who needs 'em?

I'm gonna quit wiping.
Does it itch?

Like crazy.
Do I smell?

Absolutely.
Like a loser.

Because that's what Fultons are.

A long line of stinky quitters

standing on a steaming-hot
pile of principle.

That's the dumbest reverse
psychology I've ever heard.

No, what's dumb is you throwing
away a 25-year-long career.

Dad, I've never seen you quit
anything before in my life.

But I'm not quitting, son.

I'm retiring.

I'm actually gonna
go run with the bulls.

- The Chicago Bulls?
- No.

The fools that run
with the bulls in Spain.

I'm gonna go watch them
get stampeded.

And then
the next morning,

I'm gonna wake up,
go fishing in Nova Scotia.

The next day...
[pops, clucks tongue]

a little golfing
in Pebble Beach.

And then, bam,
back to Nova Scotia

for a quick lunch while I watch
the northern lights.

The northern lights?

Yes. Mm-hmm.
At lunch?

Dad, you don't even know
where Nova Scotia is.

- It's in Canada.
- No, it's not.

NINA:
- Yes, it is. - Yes, it is.

Look, Junior,
get it in your head.

I'm retired now.

And if you'll excuse me,

I have to go fax my check
to my travel agent

so she can book
my ship to Nova Scotia.

Your ship?

What are you, a Goonie?

Dad!

Da-- the world's
changing.

And it's time
you changed with it.

Welcome to The Dr. Reed Show.

Let me read you, and lead you,
to a balanced and happier life.

Oh, there's a caller
on the line already.

Caller, you say what?

MALE CALLER:
No disrespect, Dr. Reed,

like, you good and all,
but, uh...

this show just ain't
the same anymore without Poppa.

We miss the rhymes,
we miss the soul.

You know, no disrespect.

This show just kind of sucks
without Poppa.

No disrespect.

See, basically,
you're just not fun, Dr. Reed.

Respectfully.

Is this Junior?

Nah. It ain't me.

It's somebody else.

But he would like
to talk to you immediately.

So if you have his cell phone
number, maybe call that?

You mean this number, fool?

No disrespect.

So Junior told me
that Poppa desperately

wants to apologize
for insulting an icon.

Me.

I decided to give him
an opportunity

to kiss the ring.

Well, you know what, if she
wants to come crawling back

to this icon on bended knee,

hey, I'm open to it.

So I'm a liar.

Yes, you are.

You're a dirty little liar,
and I like it.

Anyway, yes, I did lie
to them both,

but I needed them together
to save this documentary.

Here it goes, yeah!

Booyah!
[chuckles]

[knocking]

Well, well, well.

Look who is here.

Okay.

You can step right there.

Let me put this pillow down

so you can get on bended knee.

What are you
talking about?

Aren't you getting ready
to kiss something?

Yes, you goodbye if you're
not here to apologize.

Apologize for what?

Junior said
that you've been begging

to get back
in my good graces.

Hmm, that's funny,
because Nina said you

were begging to get back
into my good graces.

BOTH:
What...?

Okay, look, now I know you're

probably wondering
what's going on here.

- Yeah.
- Right? And I would, too, so...

without further ado, um...

Nina, tell them.

Junior's a dirty
little liar.

And he's got something
to tell you.

All right, babe, relax.

Not in front of my daddy.

Look, I want to
show you something.

Check this out.

IVY [in video]: I'm sorry, where
do you think you're going...

Look at that engagement.

This conversation's over.

This conversation
is not over, Poppa!

People love that
you hate each other.

Now that's good drama.

That's the makings
of a great podcast.

Starring you two.

Too late, she already has a job.

Mine.

Not anymore.

I quit.

Oh, they must've AI'd you, too.

Yeah, they did.

[sighs]
They showed me this.

Hi, I'm Dr. Reed.

I used to feel sad and worthless

until I started taking...

Happium.

And now I never feel sad.

In fact, I never feel anything.

Happium: The best feeling...

is nothing.

ANNOUNCER:
Side effects may include headache, dry mouth,

blurry vision, enlarged breasts,
and back problems.

From the enlarged breasts.

Enlarged breasts, huh?

No, Junior.

I told you.

Yes, you did.

So you're saying
that I was right?

Never.

But before I leave,

I just want you to know

that I never wanted
your job.

[chuckles]

What I wanted

was to work with an icon.

And this podcast
is a great idea.

But since you hate me,
it'll never work.

Because you don't think
we have anything in common.

But the truth of the matter is,

is I probably love soul music
more than you do.

"Sweet Harmony."

Name of artist,
year it came out.

Smokey Robinson.

1973.

He dedicated the song

to his former singing partners,
The Miracles.

Give me another one.

POPPA: "September."IVY: Earth, Wind & Fire.

1978. Ironically,
released in November.

"Grazing In The Grass."

Hugh Masekela. 1968.

It's a mystery if the song
is about marijuana or not.

It was the '60s, it was
definitely about marijuana.

[laughter]

[clears throat]
I'm not here.

Poppa, do you remember
when I told you that your...

radio show got me
through college?

Yeah.

I had just gone
through a bad breakup.

And I wasn't...

sure I was gonna make it,

so I turned on your radio show,
and I heard you say

that a broken heart
is a blessing,

because a heart
that never breaks, never grows.

I remember that.

And then I played Al Green's...

BOTH:
"How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?"

IVY:
Yeah, and that night, I cried myself to sleep,

but the next morning...

my heart was a little lighter.

And I had hope again.

What happened to the fool
that broke your heart?

I married him.

Want to hear about it?

And we're getting
kind of long.

Let's get to the climax.

Spoiler alert...

they're doing the podcast.

Because of us.

IVY:
You ready?

[exhales]

Hey, what's up, y'all?

Welcome to
The Pop and Doc Show.

We're going to stimulate
your mind, body, and soul

whether you're young or,
baby, whether you are old.

So, Poppitos and Doccitos,

we want to hear from you.

Let us know what you want us
to talk about.

And nothing is off-limits.

That's right, and while
y'all ruminate on that,

I'm gonna take you back.

I'm gonna take you on a spin
with a tune that always wins.

And I dedicate this song

to my new partner in crime.

["Ain't No Stopping Us Now" by
McFadden and Whitehead playing]

? Ain't no stopping us now ?

? We're on the move ?

? Ain't no stopping us now... ?

Looks like Bruce Leroy
had to get a job...

[laughter]

Then the next day,
I'm gonna wake up early,

go golfing
in Nova Scotia.

That's not how you golf.[laughter]

I'm gonna learn
how to golf.

'Cause, uh...
my swing is off.

You know,
I thought about it and...

I am not a Grand Canyon.

Okay, but for safety reasons,
can you do one where you say

you are and...

on my cue and... action!

I am a Grand Canyon.

- Yes, you are.
- Cut it!

That's great.
I love that one.

That's the one.
We're gonna use that.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

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