Original subtitles

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience.

Fran, I wanna go home.

We've been waiting for this guy's autograph for like two hours.

Why do you even need it?

I waited for three hours online with you,

when you wanted to get the Barefoot Contessa to sign your oven mitt.

Yeah, and then I came out, I ruined your life, and now I owe you this.

I didn't say that.

Yeah, but it was a-comin'.

Meanwhile, listen to this:

"Gregory Sherwood came to the United States

and started a small home flower business

with his then wife, Cecily,

that blossomed into a multimillion-dollar empire."

That's the whole story.

Bam!

You just saved yourself 30 bucks.

Can we go get free samples at Hickory Farms now?

No.

I thought you were gonna get rid of that app.

I can't. I just love it.

It tells me when a guy who likes my profile

is within 50 feet of me.

It's a G.P.S. Gay Positioning Satellite.

Ooh, ooh.

- What? - Here comes one.

- Where? - 40 feet.

Oh.

30 feet.

20 feet.

10 feet.

20 feet, 30 feet, 40 feet... what?

He's running away from me. Maybe he didn't see me.

Sir, uh...

- You're next. - Okay, get the camera.

Get the camera.

Oh, Mr. Sherwood, this is so exciting.

I've been a fan of yours so long,

I feel like I already know you.

Thank you.

And, uh...

who shall I make it out to?

Fran. Fine.

Now.

♪ She was certain that he was her one and only

♪ but their union always seemed a little forced ?

♪ she got married anyway

♪ turns out that he was gay

♪ they're still in love, but now she's happily divorced

synced and corrected by chamallow www.MY-SUBS.com

I can't believe I'm standing in front of Gregory Sherwood.

And I got to tell you, you're even better looking in person.

I know.

Oh, Mr. Sherwood, this is my best friend, Judi.

- Judi. - Hi. Nice to meet you.

I've read all your book jackets.

But I've read all the insides.

You know, I find it so riveting,

especially that chapter when you talked

about how you and your wife split up.

Oh. I'm curious...

did you ever find someone else?

No, I'm afraid I'm still looking

for that special someone.

Hmm.

Go to Hickory Farms, Judi.

So, you were asking me if I had a special someone.

No, I do not.

Well, I find that very hard to believe.

Actually, I was married 18 years.

It's kind of a long story.

But I've got it down to three sentences.

He tells me he's gay. What?

We get a divorce, can't sell the house.

Now he lives in the den.

You know, you get more intriguing by the minute.

And I would consider it an honor

if a woman as stunning as you joined me for lunch.

Oh, Mr. Sherwood.

Ta-da!

Oh, Fran, what a beautiful shop.

Isn't it?

And you refinanced your house to do all this?

- Uh-huh. - Isn't that, uh...

Stupid?

Actually, I was gonna say, "brave."

You know, I find a woman

who's willing to take that sort of risk very attractive.

Oh, well, I'm $20,000 in credit card debt.

What's that do for you?

Fran, are you aware there's a man

in your refrigerator staring at us?

Oh.

Come out of there, please.

Oh, Mr. Gregory Sherwood...

If my wife knew that I was meeting you,

she would want your autograph.

Oh, no problem. What's her name?

Cesar.

Cesar has been with me since day one.

I couldn't do it without him. He's like family.

That is true. We are together forever.

Mi familia.

Do your delivery vans have air-condition?

Because I didn't sign anything.

Oh, hey, Peter. Where have you been?

I haven't seen you since...

Oh, my God. Did I leave you at the mall?

Oh... yes.

How did you get home?

I took the bus.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Was it awful? - No, not at all.

Actually, it was really clean, comfortable... really nice people.

There were screens on the backs of all the chairs.

- Really? - No, it was horrible.

It was 400 degrees.

Everybody smelled like sweaty sardines.

All right, you'll take a bubble bath later.

Come here.

Say hello to Gregory Sherwood,

- the Gregory Sherwood. - Please.

I'd shake your hand, but I have touched so many things

that have touched so many things.

This is Peter, my ex-husband.

Ah, yes, I suspected as much.

Look, I hope you don't think I'm prying,

but the writer in me finds all of this quite fascinating.

Tell me, when did you first become aware of your situation?

Oh, well, I looked all over the mall,

and she wasn't at Mrs. Fields or Wetzel's

or Potatoes, Potatoes, Potatoes,

- so now I'm thinking... - No, no, I'm sorry.

I... I meant when did you first know.

Know what?

This is why it took him 18 years to connect the dots.

Listen, I'd love to talk about this more,

but I'm already late for a meeting with my publicist.

How about dinner tonight?

Oh, there's a sexy wine bar that...

What... what are you looking at him for?

What are you looking at me for?

'Cause I'm asking you out to dinner.

- Him? - Me?

Well, yes, you're a fascinating man.

- Me? - Him?

Uh, oh, sure. Okay.

- Dinner sounds great. - Oh, fantastic.

Fran, thank you for joining me for lunch.

And your shop is as beautiful and captivating as you are.

Yeah, well...

And, Peter, I'll see you later.

Uh, shall I have the car pick you up around 8:00?

8:00 would be lovely. Thank you ever so much.

What the hell just happened here?

Apparently Gregory's asked me out for a sumptuous...

Stop talking like that.

I brought him home for me. I didn't know he was gay.

Oh, sweetie...

you really are bad at this.

What's wrong with her?

She fell in love with another gay man.

Again?

Leave her alone.

I'm sorry, but come on, what are the odds?

It's like getting a royal flush with two queens.

What's wrong with me?

Being attracted to gay men isn't a choice.

You were born that way.

I just thought we looked so perfect together.

I was already picturing us married,

living in a big mansion,

three beautiful kids and a maid...

no, no, a butler.

Darling, wake up.

This man isn't for you.

Sometimes you'll get the man.

Sometimes your husband will get the man.

But I can't believe my instincts would be so off.

I thought he was attracted to me.

I mean, I really felt it in my gut.

The last time your gut had that feeling,

it cost us 30 grand for the wedding.

Sweetheart, do you not want Peter to be happy?

Of course I want him to be happy.

Do you not want Peter out of your den?

More than I want him to be happy.

Well, then it's win-win.

You just help him, nurture him.

Someone in this family should have a rich husband.

Oh, maybe they'll go to Beijing

and bring us back a grandchild.

Wait a minute. I just had a thought.

What if Peter and this guy get married?

Whose family pays? Because we're on a fixed income.

Oh, no, Glen, we can pay for another wedding.

By the time that Fran finally gets married,

she can use our life insurance for money.

Am I really an only child,

or did the other ones just kill themselves?

God, I'm so nervous.

You know, this is the first real date I've had with a man.

I mean, should I play hard to get?

No too hard to get, sweetie.

I mean, you're not getting any younger.

And man boobs run in your family.

You know, Fran, I know this isn't easy for you.

What do you mean... helping my ex-husband get dressed

to go out with my ex-boyfriend?

Please.

I just want you to know that I appreciate it.

Sweetie, I just want you to be happy.

I want you to meet a nice man, fall in love,

move out of the den, a pilates machine moves in.

It's the circle of life.

Hakuna matata.

If there's a lull in the conversation,

- I was thinking... - No.

Do not tell the "Jimmy Smits at Olive Garden" story.

Why not? Everyone loves that...

No, they don't. It's stupid.

Well, now you're just tying my hands.

Ooh, that's him.

Would you get the door?

- Yeah. - I want to make an entrance.

Oh, I wish we had dry ice.

Hi.

Hello, Fran.

Oh, don't you look smashing?

Oh, apparently not smashing enough.

So, where are you boys going tonight?

Well, it would be hard to top that fabulous lunch

you and I had at Mr. Chow's.

So I thought we'd take a drive up the coast...

sunset cocktails, lobster dinner at Nobu,

and then maybe a crème brûlée at the S.L.S.

Yeah, I'm gonna nuke a potato.

So, is Peter ready yet?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, Peter, Gregory's here.

Hello, Gregory.

Hello, Peter.

This old thing? It's new.

Listen and then respond.

Let's take a picture, guys.

Oh.

All right.

Chin up, Peter.

Suck in.

Stop doing that thing with your eyes.

Very good. Okay, have a good time.

Good night, Fran. Bye.

- Bye-bye. Good night. - Bye.

Oh. Shoot.

What do I do if I need protection?

Tell him the Olive Garden story.

Oh, good morning, Miss Fran.

Is Mr. Peter's date still going on?

I don't know. I'm trying to figure that out.

I'm hearing some rustling... or wrestling.

Who knows what two men do?

Oh, miss Fran, why do you torture yourself like this?

If we stand at the window by the built-in barbecue,

the sound comes from the bathroom.

Why are you so interested?

Because if Mr. Peter and Mr. Sherwood hook up,

he might make us a franchise.

And that would mean more money for me.

You, us, the whole familia wins.

Good morning.

All right, enough with the chitchat.

- Is he in there? - Who?

"Who?" Pat Sajak.

- Gregory. - Oh, no.

He dropped me off last night about 11:00.

Oh, God, he told the Olive Garden story.

- How did the date go? - Oh, it was great.

Well, did he make a move on you?

Define "move."

Physical contact.

- He did touch my hand. - When? Where?

In the edamame bowl.

Ay, dios mio. I'm gonna work here forever.

Peter, that's your idea of a great date?

Well, I'm sorry. I have nothing to compare it to.

Look, he picked me up.

He paid for dinner, and he dropped me off.

To me, that's a great date.

Peter, when two men are "attracted" to each other,

they get into a stretch limo

with a wet bar and blacked-out windows

and the only physical contact that they have with each other

is in a bowl of beans...

- Wait a minute. - What?

Maybe he is straight.

He is not. Look, he didn't do anything with you.

He didn't do anything with you.

- He took me to dinner. - He took me to lunch.

- He said I was intriguing. - He said I was ravishing.

He said I looked 45.

You're 44.

Thank you.

Wow. Judi, look at this tower of chocolate.

That's what I used to call my last boyfriend.

Oh, my God. Listen to this.

"Fran, our time together has been far too short.

Have dinner with me tonight at 8:00 at my hotel.

Yours, Gregory."

I knew it.

I knew that he was into me and not...

"Peter, our time together has been far too short.

Have dinner with me tonight at 8:15 at my hotel.

- Yours, Gregory." - Yes!

You threw your line out, and you hooked him.

I knew it.

I felt it.

Well, I didn't, but I knew it.

What are the odds of me falling for...

Two gay men?

Fran falls for two gay men.

This is why we cannot tell her about this, Cesar.

She will be crushed.

I know. The poor woman is...

A 44-year-old man with no prospects.

Oh, that's why we can't tell him.

It'll just crush him.

Oh, Judi, I'm so excited.

I swear to God, I got a feeling that tonight...

I'm going to be with the person

I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.

Fran.

Well, you look ravishing.

Oh, and you're in a robe.

- Please, come in. - Okay.

I, uh... I hope you don't mind if we dine here.

- It's just that, uh... - You've been into room service

ever since you were a little boy

and your grandfather took you to the Plaza...

chapter 9, page 81.

Well, apparently my life is an open book.

Oh, gee, I could listen to you talk all day long.

And I could listen to...

Yeah. Champagne?

Thank you.

To the lady in red.

Yeah.

That's nice.

You know, I, uh... I did order room service,

but it won't be up for an hour.

And I have a private pool on the terrace.

Would you like to go for a swim?

Oh, that sounds lovely, but...

I didn't bring a bathing suit.

I took the liberty of having one sent up from the gift shop...

Oh. Size 2, right?

Oh, that's so sweet.

Is the shop still open?

Bathroom's to the left, and there's a robe behind the door.

Oh, perfect. I'll be right out...

as soon as I lose 23 pounds.

Peter, you look dashing.

Thank you, Mr. Sherwood.

Please, come in.

I hope you don't mind if we dine here.

The room service is superb.

Oh, you have to try the salmon with crème fraîche.

Uh, does crème have cream in it?

Because I'm lactose intolerant.

I'm very particular about what I put in my mouth.

Well, there's where we differ. Champagne?

Sure. Not too much.

I'll never get home.

Here's to not getting home.

Why? Is the freeway closed again?

It took me forever last time.

I'm telling you, I had to go all the...

Oh.

You are a wordsmith, sir.

Peter, do you like to swim?

I have a pool on the terrace.

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Great cardio, easy on the joints.

Unfortunately, I didn't bring a suit.

Oh, well, that's all right.

After all, we're both men, aren't we?

Oh, right.

I can just...

borrow one of yours.

Right. I have a spare suit in the bathroom.

Cool. I'll slip it on.

Please don't be a Speedo. Please don't be a Speedo.

Please don't be a Speedo.

Gregory, the bathing suit that they sent up

has a big rip right on the seam.

Would you happen to have a sewing kit?

I believe there's one in the medicine cabinet.

Oh, thank God. I mean, thank you.

How does the Speedo fit?

Fine.

I think I pretty much got everything in there.

Oh, okay.

I'll, uh, go fire up the hot tub.

Oh.

Oh.

Mmm.

Oh, you likey?

- Fran? - Peter?

Oh, my God! What are you doing here?

- Gregory invited me. - He invited me, too.

- He's straight. - He's gay.

♪ He's both ♪

What a sick individual.

Right?

Luring us into his lair

like some sort of bisexual spider.

How could he possibly think

we'd be interested in something like that?

- We're very simple people. - We're very simple.

We're just a typical, white-picket-fence,

divorced, suburban, gay-straight couple.

That's all.

Well, at least the night wasn't a total loss.

These robes are beautiful.

Aren't they? Three-ply Terry.

Hey, should we give them to my parents for their anniversary?

Can we wear them until then?

No. Take it off before you spill.

- No, no, no, no. - Why?

I'm in the Speedo.

Oh, really?

- What are you in? - A size 2.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Okay.

You still look good in a thong.

It didn't start out as a thong.

- Good night. - Good night.

Mwah.