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Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience.
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Fran, I wanna go home.
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We've been waiting for this guy's autograph for like two hours.
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Why do you even need it?
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I waited for three hours online with you,
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when you wanted to get the Barefoot Contessa to sign your oven mitt.
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Yeah, and then I came out, I ruined your life, and now I owe you this.
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I didn't say that.
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Yeah, but it was a-comin'.
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Meanwhile, listen to this:
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"Gregory Sherwood came to the United States
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and started a small home flower business
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with his then wife, Cecily,
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that blossomed into a multimillion-dollar empire."
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That's the whole story.
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Bam!
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You just saved yourself 30 bucks.
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Can we go get free samples at Hickory Farms now?
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No.
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I thought you were gonna get rid of that app.
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I can't. I just love it.
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It tells me when a guy who likes my profile
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is within 50 feet of me.
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It's a G.P.S. Gay Positioning Satellite.
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Ooh, ooh.
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- What? - Here comes one.
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- Where? - 40 feet.
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Oh.
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30 feet.
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20 feet.
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10 feet.
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20 feet, 30 feet, 40 feet... what?
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He's running away from me. Maybe he didn't see me.
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Sir, uh...
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- You're next. - Okay, get the camera.
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Get the camera.
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Oh, Mr. Sherwood, this is so exciting.
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I've been a fan of yours so long,
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I feel like I already know you.
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Thank you.
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And, uh...
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who shall I make it out to?
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Fran. Fine.
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Now.
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♪ She was certain that he was her one and only
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♪ but their union always seemed a little forced ?
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♪ she got married anyway
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♪ turns out that he was gay
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♪ they're still in love, but now she's happily divorced
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synced and corrected by chamallow www.MY-SUBS.com
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I can't believe I'm standing in front of Gregory Sherwood.
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And I got to tell you, you're even better looking in person.
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I know.
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Oh, Mr. Sherwood, this is my best friend, Judi.
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- Judi. - Hi. Nice to meet you.
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I've read all your book jackets.
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But I've read all the insides.
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You know, I find it so riveting,
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especially that chapter when you talked
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about how you and your wife split up.
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Oh. I'm curious...
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did you ever find someone else?
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No, I'm afraid I'm still looking
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for that special someone.
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Hmm.
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Go to Hickory Farms, Judi.
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So, you were asking me if I had a special someone.
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No, I do not.
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Well, I find that very hard to believe.
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Actually, I was married 18 years.
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It's kind of a long story.
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But I've got it down to three sentences.
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He tells me he's gay. What?
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We get a divorce, can't sell the house.
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Now he lives in the den.
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You know, you get more intriguing by the minute.
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And I would consider it an honor
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if a woman as stunning as you joined me for lunch.
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Oh, Mr. Sherwood.
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Ta-da!
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Oh, Fran, what a beautiful shop.
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Isn't it?
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And you refinanced your house to do all this?
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- Uh-huh. - Isn't that, uh...
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Stupid?
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Actually, I was gonna say, "brave."
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You know, I find a woman
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who's willing to take that sort of risk very attractive.
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Oh, well, I'm $20,000 in credit card debt.
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What's that do for you?
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Fran, are you aware there's a man
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in your refrigerator staring at us?
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Oh.
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Come out of there, please.
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Oh, Mr. Gregory Sherwood...
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If my wife knew that I was meeting you,
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she would want your autograph.
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Oh, no problem. What's her name?
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Cesar.
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Cesar has been with me since day one.
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I couldn't do it without him. He's like family.
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That is true. We are together forever.
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Mi familia.
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Do your delivery vans have air-condition?
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Because I didn't sign anything.
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Oh, hey, Peter. Where have you been?
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I haven't seen you since...
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Oh, my God. Did I leave you at the mall?
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Oh... yes.
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How did you get home?
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I took the bus.
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Oh, I'm so sorry.
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- Was it awful? - No, not at all.
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Actually, it was really clean, comfortable... really nice people.
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There were screens on the backs of all the chairs.
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- Really? - No, it was horrible.
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It was 400 degrees.
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Everybody smelled like sweaty sardines.
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All right, you'll take a bubble bath later.
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Come here.
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Say hello to Gregory Sherwood,
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- the Gregory Sherwood. - Please.
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I'd shake your hand, but I have touched so many things
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that have touched so many things.
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This is Peter, my ex-husband.
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Ah, yes, I suspected as much.
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Look, I hope you don't think I'm prying,
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but the writer in me finds all of this quite fascinating.
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Tell me, when did you first become aware of your situation?
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Oh, well, I looked all over the mall,
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and she wasn't at Mrs. Fields or Wetzel's
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or Potatoes, Potatoes, Potatoes,
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- so now I'm thinking... - No, no, I'm sorry.
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I... I meant when did you first know.
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Know what?
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This is why it took him 18 years to connect the dots.
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Listen, I'd love to talk about this more,
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but I'm already late for a meeting with my publicist.
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How about dinner tonight?
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Oh, there's a sexy wine bar that...
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What... what are you looking at him for?
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What are you looking at me for?
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'Cause I'm asking you out to dinner.
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- Him? - Me?
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Well, yes, you're a fascinating man.
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- Me? - Him?
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Uh, oh, sure. Okay.
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- Dinner sounds great. - Oh, fantastic.
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Fran, thank you for joining me for lunch.
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And your shop is as beautiful and captivating as you are.
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Yeah, well...
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And, Peter, I'll see you later.
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Uh, shall I have the car pick you up around 8:00?
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8:00 would be lovely. Thank you ever so much.
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What the hell just happened here?
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Apparently Gregory's asked me out for a sumptuous...
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Stop talking like that.
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I brought him home for me. I didn't know he was gay.
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Oh, sweetie...
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you really are bad at this.
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What's wrong with her?
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She fell in love with another gay man.
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Again?
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Leave her alone.
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I'm sorry, but come on, what are the odds?
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It's like getting a royal flush with two queens.
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What's wrong with me?
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Being attracted to gay men isn't a choice.
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You were born that way.
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I just thought we looked so perfect together.
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I was already picturing us married,
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living in a big mansion,
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three beautiful kids and a maid...
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no, no, a butler.
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Darling, wake up.
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This man isn't for you.
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Sometimes you'll get the man.
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Sometimes your husband will get the man.
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But I can't believe my instincts would be so off.
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I thought he was attracted to me.
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I mean, I really felt it in my gut.
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The last time your gut had that feeling,
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it cost us 30 grand for the wedding.
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Sweetheart, do you not want Peter to be happy?
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Of course I want him to be happy.
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Do you not want Peter out of your den?
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More than I want him to be happy.
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Well, then it's win-win.
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You just help him, nurture him.
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Someone in this family should have a rich husband.
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Oh, maybe they'll go to Beijing
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and bring us back a grandchild.
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Wait a minute. I just had a thought.
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What if Peter and this guy get married?
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Whose family pays? Because we're on a fixed income.
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Oh, no, Glen, we can pay for another wedding.
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By the time that Fran finally gets married,
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she can use our life insurance for money.
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Am I really an only child,
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or did the other ones just kill themselves?
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God, I'm so nervous.
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You know, this is the first real date I've had with a man.
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I mean, should I play hard to get?
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No too hard to get, sweetie.
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I mean, you're not getting any younger.
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And man boobs run in your family.
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You know, Fran, I know this isn't easy for you.
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What do you mean... helping my ex-husband get dressed
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to go out with my ex-boyfriend?
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Please.
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I just want you to know that I appreciate it.
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Sweetie, I just want you to be happy.
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I want you to meet a nice man, fall in love,
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move out of the den, a pilates machine moves in.
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It's the circle of life.
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Hakuna matata.
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If there's a lull in the conversation,
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- I was thinking... - No.
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Do not tell the "Jimmy Smits at Olive Garden" story.
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Why not? Everyone loves that...
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No, they don't. It's stupid.
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Well, now you're just tying my hands.
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Ooh, that's him.
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Would you get the door?
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- Yeah. - I want to make an entrance.
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Oh, I wish we had dry ice.
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Hi.
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Hello, Fran.
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Oh, don't you look smashing?
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Oh, apparently not smashing enough.
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So, where are you boys going tonight?
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Well, it would be hard to top that fabulous lunch
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you and I had at Mr. Chow's.
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So I thought we'd take a drive up the coast...
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sunset cocktails, lobster dinner at Nobu,
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and then maybe a crème brûlée at the S.L.S.
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Yeah, I'm gonna nuke a potato.
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So, is Peter ready yet?
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Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, Peter, Gregory's here.
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Hello, Gregory.
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Hello, Peter.
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This old thing? It's new.
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Listen and then respond.
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Let's take a picture, guys.
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Oh.
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All right.
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Chin up, Peter.
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Suck in.
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Stop doing that thing with your eyes.
250
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Very good. Okay, have a good time.
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Good night, Fran. Bye.
252
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- Bye-bye. Good night. - Bye.
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Oh. Shoot.
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What do I do if I need protection?
255
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Tell him the Olive Garden story.
256
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Oh, good morning, Miss Fran.
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Is Mr. Peter's date still going on?
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I don't know. I'm trying to figure that out.
259
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I'm hearing some rustling... or wrestling.
260
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Who knows what two men do?
261
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Oh, miss Fran, why do you torture yourself like this?
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If we stand at the window by the built-in barbecue,
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the sound comes from the bathroom.
264
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,582
Why are you so interested?
265
00:11:41,616 --> 00:11:44,451
Because if Mr. Peter and Mr. Sherwood hook up,
266
00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:46,453
he might make us a franchise.
267
00:11:46,488 --> 00:11:48,455
And that would mean more money for me.
268
00:11:49,691 --> 00:11:52,159
You, us, the whole familia wins.
269
00:11:52,194 --> 00:11:54,128
Good morning.
270
00:11:54,162 --> 00:11:55,963
All right, enough with the chitchat.
271
00:11:55,997 --> 00:11:57,464
- Is he in there? - Who?
272
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,200
"Who?" Pat Sajak.
273
00:12:00,202 --> 00:12:01,669
- Gregory. - Oh, no.
274
00:12:01,703 --> 00:12:03,437
He dropped me off last night about 11:00.
275
00:12:03,471 --> 00:12:06,574
Oh, God, he told the Olive Garden story.
276
00:12:06,608 --> 00:12:08,676
- How did the date go? - Oh, it was great.
277
00:12:08,710 --> 00:12:10,578
Well, did he make a move on you?
278
00:12:10,612 --> 00:12:11,812
Define "move."
279
00:12:11,846 --> 00:12:13,113
Physical contact.
280
00:12:13,148 --> 00:12:15,082
- He did touch my hand. - When? Where?
281
00:12:15,116 --> 00:12:17,851
In the edamame bowl.
282
00:12:17,886 --> 00:12:20,087
Ay, dios mio. I'm gonna work here forever.
283
00:12:20,121 --> 00:12:24,058
Peter, that's your idea of a great date?
284
00:12:24,092 --> 00:12:25,693
Well, I'm sorry. I have nothing to compare it to.
285
00:12:25,727 --> 00:12:27,061
Look, he picked me up.
286
00:12:27,095 --> 00:12:28,662
He paid for dinner, and he dropped me off.
287
00:12:28,697 --> 00:12:30,397
To me, that's a great date.
288
00:12:30,432 --> 00:12:32,366
Peter, when two men are "attracted" to each other,
289
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:33,934
they get into a stretch limo
290
00:12:33,969 --> 00:12:36,103
with a wet bar and blacked-out windows
291
00:12:36,137 --> 00:12:38,772
and the only physical contact that they have with each other
292
00:12:38,807 --> 00:12:41,809
is in a bowl of beans...
293
00:12:43,812 --> 00:12:46,480
- Wait a minute. - What?
294
00:12:46,514 --> 00:12:48,148
Maybe he is straight.
295
00:12:48,183 --> 00:12:50,784
He is not. Look, he didn't do anything with you.
296
00:12:50,819 --> 00:12:52,553
He didn't do anything with you.
297
00:12:52,587 --> 00:12:54,455
- He took me to dinner. - He took me to lunch.
298
00:12:54,489 --> 00:12:56,924
- He said I was intriguing. - He said I was ravishing.
299
00:12:58,994 --> 00:13:00,928
He said I looked 45.
300
00:13:00,962 --> 00:13:02,997
You're 44.
301
00:13:10,872 --> 00:13:12,439
Thank you.
302
00:13:12,474 --> 00:13:15,009
Wow. Judi, look at this tower of chocolate.
303
00:13:15,043 --> 00:13:18,345
That's what I used to call my last boyfriend.
304
00:13:20,448 --> 00:13:22,416
Oh, my God. Listen to this.
305
00:13:22,450 --> 00:13:25,753
"Fran, our time together has been far too short.
306
00:13:25,787 --> 00:13:29,857
Have dinner with me tonight at 8:00 at my hotel.
307
00:13:29,891 --> 00:13:32,393
Yours, Gregory."
308
00:13:32,427 --> 00:13:33,661
I knew it.
309
00:13:33,695 --> 00:13:36,864
I knew that he was into me and not...
310
00:13:36,898 --> 00:13:40,434
"Peter, our time together has been far too short.
311
00:13:40,468 --> 00:13:44,071
Have dinner with me tonight at 8:15 at my hotel.
312
00:13:44,105 --> 00:13:45,806
- Yours, Gregory." - Yes!
313
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,042
You threw your line out, and you hooked him.
314
00:13:48,076 --> 00:13:50,377
I knew it.
315
00:13:50,412 --> 00:13:51,545
I felt it.
316
00:13:51,579 --> 00:13:53,981
Well, I didn't, but I knew it.
317
00:13:54,015 --> 00:13:56,784
What are the odds of me falling for...
318
00:13:56,818 --> 00:13:58,619
Two gay men?
319
00:13:58,653 --> 00:14:01,455
Fran falls for two gay men.
320
00:14:01,489 --> 00:14:04,058
This is why we cannot tell her about this, Cesar.
321
00:14:04,092 --> 00:14:05,726
She will be crushed.
322
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,928
I know. The poor woman is...
323
00:14:07,962 --> 00:14:12,733
A 44-year-old man with no prospects.
324
00:14:12,767 --> 00:14:14,601
Oh, that's why we can't tell him.
325
00:14:14,636 --> 00:14:15,969
It'll just crush him.
326
00:14:16,004 --> 00:14:18,739
Oh, Judi, I'm so excited.
327
00:14:18,773 --> 00:14:21,575
I swear to God, I got a feeling that tonight...
328
00:14:21,609 --> 00:14:23,077
I'm going to be with the person
329
00:14:23,111 --> 00:14:26,947
I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.
330
00:14:34,289 --> 00:14:35,889
Fran.
331
00:14:35,924 --> 00:14:37,824
Well, you look ravishing.
332
00:14:37,859 --> 00:14:40,994
Oh, and you're in a robe.
333
00:14:41,029 --> 00:14:43,730
- Please, come in. - Okay.
334
00:14:43,765 --> 00:14:46,400
I, uh... I hope you don't mind if we dine here.
335
00:14:46,434 --> 00:14:49,069
- It's just that, uh... - You've been into room service
336
00:14:49,103 --> 00:14:50,837
ever since you were a little boy
337
00:14:50,872 --> 00:14:53,073
and your grandfather took you to the Plaza...
338
00:14:53,107 --> 00:14:55,008
chapter 9, page 81.
339
00:14:55,043 --> 00:14:57,044
Well, apparently my life is an open book.
340
00:14:57,078 --> 00:15:01,381
Oh, gee, I could listen to you talk all day long.
341
00:15:01,416 --> 00:15:03,417
And I could listen to...
342
00:15:03,451 --> 00:15:05,786
Yeah. Champagne?
343
00:15:05,820 --> 00:15:07,421
Thank you.
344
00:15:07,455 --> 00:15:09,356
To the lady in red.
345
00:15:09,390 --> 00:15:11,358
Yeah.
346
00:15:20,969 --> 00:15:23,470
That's nice.
347
00:15:25,773 --> 00:15:27,941
You know, I, uh... I did order room service,
348
00:15:27,976 --> 00:15:29,943
but it won't be up for an hour.
349
00:15:29,978 --> 00:15:32,713
And I have a private pool on the terrace.
350
00:15:32,747 --> 00:15:34,715
Would you like to go for a swim?
351
00:15:34,749 --> 00:15:37,384
Oh, that sounds lovely, but...
352
00:15:37,418 --> 00:15:39,386
I didn't bring a bathing suit.
353
00:15:39,420 --> 00:15:42,055
I took the liberty of having one sent up from the gift shop...
354
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:43,991
Oh. Size 2, right?
355
00:15:44,025 --> 00:15:45,892
Oh, that's so sweet.
356
00:15:45,927 --> 00:15:48,028
Is the shop still open?
357
00:15:50,765 --> 00:15:53,033
Bathroom's to the left, and there's a robe behind the door.
358
00:15:53,067 --> 00:15:56,169
Oh, perfect. I'll be right out...
359
00:15:56,204 --> 00:15:58,739
as soon as I lose 23 pounds.
360
00:16:07,949 --> 00:16:10,917
Peter, you look dashing.
361
00:16:10,952 --> 00:16:12,686
Thank you, Mr. Sherwood.
362
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,055
Please, come in.
363
00:16:15,089 --> 00:16:17,057
I hope you don't mind if we dine here.
364
00:16:17,091 --> 00:16:18,892
The room service is superb.
365
00:16:18,926 --> 00:16:22,229
Oh, you have to try the salmon with crème fraîche.
366
00:16:22,263 --> 00:16:23,897
Uh, does crème have cream in it?
367
00:16:23,931 --> 00:16:25,966
Because I'm lactose intolerant.
368
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,402
I'm very particular about what I put in my mouth.
369
00:16:28,436 --> 00:16:31,371
Well, there's where we differ. Champagne?
370
00:16:31,406 --> 00:16:33,006
Sure. Not too much.
371
00:16:33,041 --> 00:16:35,042
I'll never get home.
372
00:16:35,076 --> 00:16:37,244
Here's to not getting home.
373
00:16:37,278 --> 00:16:39,179
Why? Is the freeway closed again?
374
00:16:39,213 --> 00:16:40,680
It took me forever last time.
375
00:16:40,715 --> 00:16:43,116
I'm telling you, I had to go all the...
376
00:16:43,151 --> 00:16:45,018
Oh.
377
00:16:45,053 --> 00:16:47,687
You are a wordsmith, sir.
378
00:16:47,722 --> 00:16:50,357
Peter, do you like to swim?
379
00:16:50,391 --> 00:16:52,859
I have a pool on the terrace.
380
00:16:52,894 --> 00:16:54,094
Oh, sure. Yeah.
381
00:16:54,128 --> 00:16:56,029
Great cardio, easy on the joints.
382
00:16:56,064 --> 00:16:58,065
Unfortunately, I didn't bring a suit.
383
00:16:58,099 --> 00:16:59,866
Oh, well, that's all right.
384
00:16:59,901 --> 00:17:04,037
After all, we're both men, aren't we?
385
00:17:04,072 --> 00:17:05,872
Oh, right.
386
00:17:05,907 --> 00:17:07,707
I can just...
387
00:17:07,742 --> 00:17:10,077
borrow one of yours.
388
00:17:11,913 --> 00:17:14,714
Right. I have a spare suit in the bathroom.
389
00:17:14,749 --> 00:17:16,716
Cool. I'll slip it on.
390
00:17:16,751 --> 00:17:18,085
Please don't be a Speedo. Please don't be a Speedo.
391
00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:20,387
Please don't be a Speedo.
392
00:17:20,421 --> 00:17:23,890
Gregory, the bathing suit that they sent up
393
00:17:23,925 --> 00:17:28,061
has a big rip right on the seam.
394
00:17:28,096 --> 00:17:30,430
Would you happen to have a sewing kit?
395
00:17:30,465 --> 00:17:32,365
I believe there's one in the medicine cabinet.
396
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,968
Oh, thank God. I mean, thank you.
397
00:17:37,638 --> 00:17:39,306
How does the Speedo fit?
398
00:17:39,340 --> 00:17:41,007
Fine.
399
00:17:41,042 --> 00:17:44,010
I think I pretty much got everything in there.
400
00:17:46,180 --> 00:17:48,782
Oh, okay.
401
00:17:48,816 --> 00:17:52,385
I'll, uh, go fire up the hot tub.
402
00:18:15,910 --> 00:18:17,911
Oh.
403
00:18:22,416 --> 00:18:24,718
Oh.
404
00:18:24,752 --> 00:18:26,887
Mmm.
405
00:18:37,098 --> 00:18:40,066
Oh, you likey?
406
00:18:40,101 --> 00:18:42,402
- Fran? - Peter?
407
00:18:42,436 --> 00:18:46,039
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
408
00:18:46,073 --> 00:18:48,408
- Gregory invited me. - He invited me, too.
409
00:18:48,442 --> 00:18:50,110
- He's straight. - He's gay.
410
00:18:50,144 --> 00:18:52,279
♪ He's both ♪
411
00:19:14,268 --> 00:19:18,772
What a sick individual.
412
00:19:18,806 --> 00:19:19,773
Right?
413
00:19:19,807 --> 00:19:21,107
Luring us into his lair
414
00:19:21,142 --> 00:19:23,043
like some sort of bisexual spider.
415
00:19:23,077 --> 00:19:24,444
How could he possibly think
416
00:19:24,478 --> 00:19:26,279
we'd be interested in something like that?
417
00:19:26,314 --> 00:19:28,281
- We're very simple people. - We're very simple.
418
00:19:28,316 --> 00:19:30,283
We're just a typical, white-picket-fence,
419
00:19:30,318 --> 00:19:32,219
divorced, suburban, gay-straight couple.
420
00:19:32,253 --> 00:19:34,221
That's all.
421
00:19:34,255 --> 00:19:36,189
Well, at least the night wasn't a total loss.
422
00:19:36,224 --> 00:19:37,390
These robes are beautiful.
423
00:19:37,425 --> 00:19:39,226
Aren't they? Three-ply Terry.
424
00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:41,895
Hey, should we give them to my parents for their anniversary?
425
00:19:41,929 --> 00:19:43,196
Can we wear them until then?
426
00:19:43,231 --> 00:19:45,098
No. Take it off before you spill.
427
00:19:45,132 --> 00:19:47,234
- No, no, no, no. - Why?
428
00:19:47,268 --> 00:19:48,335
I'm in the Speedo.
429
00:19:48,369 --> 00:19:52,005
Oh, really?
430
00:19:52,039 --> 00:19:54,407
- What are you in? - A size 2.
431
00:19:59,947 --> 00:20:01,948
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
432
00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:03,783
Okay.
433
00:20:06,387 --> 00:20:08,255
You still look good in a thong.
434
00:20:08,289 --> 00:20:09,956
It didn't start out as a thong.
435
00:20:14,295 --> 00:20:15,929
- Good night. - Good night.
436
00:20:15,963 --> 00:20:17,964
Mwah.
30872
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