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Til Death

1x17

Phone!

We're not here! Don't answer that!

What if it's an emergency?

Who would call us in an emergency?

You're panicky,and I'm too big to fit in small spaces.

Hey,I just tried calling you guys.

Why didn't you pick up?

Because we didn't want to talk to anyone,

but,boy,is that dream dead.

What are you,uh-- you guys going on vacation?

Guess you found someone else to pick up your mail,huh?

Oh,pull yourself together.

We're just gonna go visit allison at college for parents weekend.

Yes,and instead of a hotel,

eddie has opted for us to stay in the spalike setting of the dorms.

Yay.

Well,anyway,I was wondering if, uh,you guys knew a good tile guy.

Anytime I try doing home improvements around the house,

steph turns into a,um.

- sort of A. - bitch.

Your word.

But,uh,you know,it's big fights and hurt feelings,

so this time,I just wanna stay out of it,you know,

hire someone to use as a human shield.

I got a guy.

Does he,uh,charge a flat rate or hourly?

You know what? I don't really remem

sorry,joy.ExcuseE.Hello.

Get out of my house!

what's wrong with you?

That bathroom is barbaric.

You think they would at least buy some shower curtains.

And one of the other visiting dads was being very thorough with his undercarriage.

What are you doing on my bunk? I called bottom.

And I called hotel.

But you know,we used to do some pretty fun things in a single.

Come here,birdie.

Come on.Get back there.

Let me in.

Careful of the fellas.

How do inmates do this?

Well,I'm guessing to them,

it's really not about the spooning.

Hey,guys.

If you're about to do it,you should put a sock on the doorknob.

Paul nash,single dad,recently divorced.

I'm,uh,your suite mate.

I'm,uh,round over there.

Don't worry.I don't smoke.

At least,not cigarettes.

Mom.Dad.

Girln the floor!

Here she is.

Paul nash,single dad.Recently divorced.

I'm roomin' with your folks.

What a treat for them.

You bet it is.

I'm thinkin' about gettin' a keg.

Uh,quarter keg?

Six-pack?

Anyone?

All right,I'm gonna get a tall one for myself.

I hate streakin' sober.

So parents weekend,huh?

Let's check out the schedule.

Let's see.

The student union is handing out free condoms.

Wonder how much of my tuition is going to that?

Don't worry,dad.

I'm not having sex.

Of course you're not,honey.

She's lying.

Actually,if you guys aren't tempted to chug beers with paul nash,

single dad,you should come to a show for my pottery class.

I didn't know you were taking pottery.

Yeah,well,I kinda had to.

It's a prerequisite for my major.

What major?

Ceramic studies.

Really?

Yeah.

Listen,I said I'd help set up for the show,so I gotta run,

but I'll see you guys there?

- We'll be there. - Absolutely.Looking forward to it.

So excited.

what the hell is going on here?

I know.I think she's having sex.

Eddie,we're on a college campus.

Everyone here is having sex but us.

We've got a bigger problem.

Allison just announced that she is majoring in dishware.

Aw,relax.

It's just a college major.

A college maj-- what kind of a job is allison gonna get

with a degree in ceramic studies?

I don't know.

Maybe you should ask a gentleman who started a little business called pottery barn.

Why should you lay the tile that way?

How 'bout because I said so?

Aw,this is worth every penny.

All respect,just because you're sayin' it doesn't mean it makes sense.

I may not know how to lay tile,

but I know how to look at tile,

and I have a vision of how I want this tile to look.

I wanna talk to the mister.

- Jeff. - Hey,honey.

Oh,how's the project-- I'll see for myself.

Well,hector,here's the mister.

Hector here seems to have a problem with how I want the tile laid.

She's not gonna like the way it looks.

Ok,you're not in my head.

You don't know how I feel.

You're not my psychiatrist.

Do I see you every thursday at noon?

No.

That's dr.Silverman.

You're hector.

Trust me,hector,you don't wanna be her psychiatrist.

No.

I don't know how I can be any clearer.

I want these chickens up to that line.

The chickens that are gonna be on my walls in my bathroom,

not yours,hector.

Well,it looks like you two can work this out.

I can't work it out.

I hate him.

Listen,to do what she wants,

I would have to cut the tile in half--

let me stop you,hector.

See,you seem like you know what you're doing,

and I'm guessing you know more about this than my wife,

but see,the thing is,

I don't sleep with you.Ok?

I sleep with her.Ok?

So you're gonna lay the tile exactly the way she wants it,

and then when she changes her mind f no apparent reason,

you're gonna lay it again.

'Cause the truth is,hector, I didn't hire you to lay tile.

I hired you to be my fall guy,

so all the anger my wife has about this project,

it's gonna leave here with you,ok?

Why don't you,uh,buy yourself some new overalls.

You know,you're only ok with this because it is allison.

When my aunt joan did that thing with the beads,

you called her a moron right to her face.

That's just a technical term.

Medically speaking, your aunt joan is a moron.

A-and,yes,I do support our daughter,

because my little girl is so talented that--

that she could do anything she sets her mind to.

Why is her name on that thing?

Allison stark.

Mug.

It looks like a big piece of pooh.

It does.

Someone should tell her.

Why don't we just write,"this sucks," on the card and sneak out of here?

- We can't do that. - Hey,guys.

Hey,darling.

Hey,there's our little cerami.

tologist.

Did you guys see my piece?

We did.

We did.

It's a mug.

It's ironic,right?

I wanted to deconstruct the idea of a mug in modern-day suburban life.

It's a political commentary.

Fantastic.

Uh,I'm--I'm curious.

How would--how would you drink out of this?

Well,you wouldn'T.That's the point.

So it's a mug that's not for drinking.

It's a looking mug.

Fantastic.

So what you guys think?

Uh,uh,well,I'm your mom,so I'm biased.

Eddie.

Yeah,dad.

Doesn't matter what I think.

What do the professionals think,huh?

Is there--is there a teacher here,

or do they just put you in a room and let you throw the mud around?

Yeah.There's doug.He's our T.A.

Doug,come meet my parents.

- Hey,there's the expert. - Hi,doug.

How are you,doug?

Let me ask you-- explain it to us in layman's terms.

Um,is this a good mug?

Is it a mug at all?

I think her mug is brilliant,

and I think allison is brilliant.

You know,I havet told you guys my real news.

Oh,god.There's real news.

I'm taking the next semester off to live in a barn in vermont

and work with the people's collective pottery outreach program of greater new england.

With doug.

Fantastic.