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1
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hi,shiny.
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Hey,babe.
3
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What is this?
4
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Pancakes?Bacon?Omelets?
5
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Am I dreaming or are we having breakfast for dinner?
6
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Oh,it's real,big boy.
7
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As real as these eggs that expired yesterday.
8
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I like your style,lady.
9
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We are going to eat what we want,when we want it,even if we get a little salmonella doing it.
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Do you think that it's time we got a new fridge?
11
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'Cause i think this is ridiculous.
12
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Ridiculous or sexy?
13
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You know,I got to tell you,you stabbing stuff just gets my motor going.
14
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eddie,I don't have a lot of big dreams,
15
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but one that I do have is getting a nice,symmetrical ice cube
16
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out of my freezer without the risk of plunging a spike through my hand.
17
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Yeah,but you see,you get yourself a new refrigerator and all of a sudden,the stove starts looking old,
18
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and then the cabinets are ugly,and pretty soon,your whole life just looks bad.
19
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You got to drink booze just to get through the day and you got to have pills to sleep at night
20
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and you get fired from your job and you end up on the street.
21
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So,no new refrigerator.You're welcome.
22
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So,what are you doing saturday?
23
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Watching "that's so raven" in my underwear.
24
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What are you doing?
25
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Well,I read about this marriage workshop I think we should go to.
26
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What's happening?
27
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Wh--why do we need marriage counseling?
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Did you--did you cheat on me?
29
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You can tell me,joy.
30
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We can work through this,but don't send me to counseling.
31
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No.I didn't cheat on you.
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And it's not counseling.
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It's tammy thomas tomlinson's marriage workshop for happy couples who want tstay happy.
34
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Well,come on.That doesn't make any sense.
35
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If we're already happy,the best way to stay happy is by doing nothing.
36
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Think of it as a marriage tune-up.
37
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You know,just getting under the hood and checking our fluids.
38
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I don't want anyone named tammy thomas tomlinson anywhere near my fluidS.
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Come on.It'll be fun.
40
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It's only 4 saturday seminars.
41
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That's like saying it's only 4 catheters.
42
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Eddie,I want to try this thing.
43
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Look.I could say no and end it right now,or else I could say yes and then be sick for the next 4 saturdays in a row.
44
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You know,I can make my glands swell up like a bullfroG.
45
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Yeah.You're quite a catch.
46
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You know what?
47
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Never mind.Forget I mentioned it.
48
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Ok.See?Conflict resolution.
49
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We don't need a workshop by tammy tucker pinklebaum to tell us that,right?
50
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You want to know who the real genius is?
51
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Mr.Tammy tucker tinklebaum.
52
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Oh,honey,you know everything about marriage.
53
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Hey,here's a good idea.
54
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Why don't you go away every weekend and share your wisdom with everyone in the world
55
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and I'll just sit here and watch football alone?
56
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I'll take a class from that guy.
57
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I'll tell you that right now.
58
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What's so funny?
59
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I'm grading these papers.
60
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Check out this answer.
61
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Who was the first chief justice of the U. S.Supreme court?
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Answer: The honorable don K.Balls.
63
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Don K.Balls.
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"F" for funny and future fry cook.
65
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What the hell was that?
66
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Oh,I'm reusing baggies.
67
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Just trying to save a little money.
68
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Oh,really?I'll tell you what.
69
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Here's 10 bucks.
70
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You can buy yourself about a million ziplocs.
71
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Oh,you laugh,but every little penny helps.
72
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Steph is out of control with money.
73
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You know,the other day,she bought a suede jacket that cost more than my entire wardrobe.
74
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So--what?Like a $30 jacket?
75
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I'm a vice principal,ok?
76
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I am not making crazy principal jack here.
77
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I even told steph that she should talk to me before spending the money that I earn.
78
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I bet that went over well.
79
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No.It didn'T.
80
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Actually had a pretty big fight about it and she said she would return the jacket.
81
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All right.So,happy ending,right?
82
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That's the thing,eddie.Shdidn't return it.
83
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She went to this yoga class with a friend
84
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and then she came back with all this new stuff about how even though I earn the money,
85
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we're married,so it's our money and everything should be 50-50.
86
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Wait a minute.
87
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Did you say that she went to a yoga class with a friend?
88
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Yeah.Mandy.
89
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Ok.I see what's happening here.
90
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You,young master jeffrey,are a victim of a fight friend.
91
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Ok,I'll bite.What's a fight friend?
92
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it's a person your wife runs to when you're having fights
93
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so she can reload with a new set of arguments.
94
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Some people call them fight friends,other people call them beeyotches.
95
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Either way,you lose.
96
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You know,I met mandy once.
97
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She was kind of a beeyotch.
98
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Ok.There you go.
99
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You know,joy had a beeyotch.
100
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Her name was janice indelicato.
101
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She used to make my life a living hell.
102
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Fortunately,she developed a rare skin disease and had to move to switzerland for treatment.
103
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So,what am i supposed to do?
104
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Well,you're not going to fight two women,that's for sure.
105
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I mean,you married steph,not her friend.
106
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Does steph let you have make-up sex with her friend?
107
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If so,god bless.
108
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If not,you got to put a stop to it.
109
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You know,you're right.
110
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I should nip this right in the bud.
111
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Yeah.Good for you.
112
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By the way,you know that the $10 was a joke.
113
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Here's your flight and hotel information,and you're all set.
114
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You two are going to love brazil.
115
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Couple of things to keep in mind.
116
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Just because everyone else is sunbathing topless,don't feel that you need to.
117
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And if you run out of your meds,don't worry,because they're very cheap down there.
118
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Oh,and one more thing.
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Some of the women may actually be men.
120
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- Ok!Have fun. - Thanks.
121
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Bye-bye.
122
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They're going to die down there.
123
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I thought they were going to die in here.
124
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Oh,allow me.
125
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Looking good.
126
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Out you go.
127
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- Hey,baby. - Hey,honey.
128
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- Hey. - Hey,nicole.
129
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Make sure you say hi to your adorable husband for me.
130
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I will.
131
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Oh,and you know when you were over at my house on sunday playing cards?
132
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That cake you ate out of the freezer?
133
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That was from my wedding.
134
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You ran out of chips.
135
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What are you doing here?
136
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Well,I figured I was open for lunch today,so i thought it was time to come down here and toss a burger down your throat.
137
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Uh,thank you.
138
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And also,I wanted to make sure there were no hard feelings about the marriage workshop thing,because as you know,you're my best gal.
139
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That's sweet.
140
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Hey,actually,speaking of that marriage workshop,I was doing some thinking.
141
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You were?
142
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Um,I mean,doesn't the fact that you won't even do this little thing for me speak to maybe a larger problem,
143
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like a lack of connection,which makes me believe we actually do need the workshop.
144
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What?
145
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Wait a mutE.What--what's with the nod?
146
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What do you mean?
147
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Do you have anything to do with this?
148
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Me?
149
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I'm not the one who's afraid to get better as a man.
150
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I can't believe you got yourself a new fight friend.
151
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Oh,what?You are being paranoid.
152
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Paranoid?I saw the way she nodded.
153
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I'm allowed to nod.It's a free country.
154
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Ok,yes.Yes,I talked to nicole.
155
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She had a good point.
156
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What?Now you're going to stop me from talking to her?
157
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I just want to know how long the two of you have been carrying on.
158
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The "let's try indian food" fight.
159
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Did she have something to do with that?
160
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You never want to try new things.
161
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How is this any of your business?
162
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Well,apparently,I'm married to both of you,so why just don't the 3 of us go out to lunch?
163
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That would be delightful.
164
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I could eat a burger.
165
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What just happened?
166
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So you don't want to come to yoga with me?
167
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No,thanks.
168
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Last timi went,there was this extremely flexible old man that really freaked me out.
169
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Hey,do you have any money?
170
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I'm out of cash.
171
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I was going to stop at that yogurt place with mandy after.
172
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Sure.Let me see what I got.
173
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Ah,I got $40,and 20 for you.
174
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50-50,right?
175
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Honey,you're not still mad about our money fight,are you?
176
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No,no,no.You were right.
177
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We're married.It's our money.
178
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Thank you.
179
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Oh,a birthday card from my grammy.
180
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[Gasp] $100?
181
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She's too sweet.
182
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What?
183
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You just had this whole thing about how our money's supposed to be 50-50.
184
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Yeah.So?
185
00:10:07,070 --> 00:10:12,990
Well,you got two $50 bills in your pocket and--and my 20.
186
00:10:12,990 --> 00:10:16,830
Just trying to figure out the rules here,you know,just...
187
00:10:16,830 --> 00:10:18,240
what--what are you saying?
188
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,320
You want half of my grammy's birthday money?
189
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:25,430
Well,considering that's the biggest paycheck you've gotten this fiscal year.
190
00:10:25,430 --> 00:10:29,750
Jeff,this is a birthday present from my grandmother.
191
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I understand that,and grammy's great.
192
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She's a fine lady when she's awake.
193
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I just--look.
194
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I don't understand why this doesn't flow both ways.
195
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Because this is different.
196
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Different how?
197
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I don't know,but I'm sure it's different.
198
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I have to go to yoga.
199
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We'll talk about this later.
200
00:10:49,410 --> 00:10:50,640
Whoa,no-no-no-no.
201
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You're not going anywhere,all right?
202
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Especially not to meet your fight friend.
203
00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:54,970
My what?
204
00:10:54,970 --> 00:10:59,250
Mandy--the mastermind behind your whole big suede jacket scam.
205
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I shouldn't have to fight two women unless I get to have make-up sex with mandy,too.
206
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:05,790
Scratch that.It's bad.Scratch that.
207
00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:12,390
Look,this fight is between you and me,and you are not leaving until this is over.
208
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Did you just lock me in my own house?
209
00:11:15,190 --> 00:11:17,640
No.
210
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:22,190
Well,um,drive safely,honey.
211
00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:33,320
Ok.In exactly t-minus 36 hours,I'm going to be stuck in a hotel ballroom with tammy thomas tomlinson telling me
212
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why I'm a failure to my wife,myself,and perhaps my lord.
213
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Tammy tigger thomason?
214
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What is that--a puppet?
215
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:45,380
No.She's a marriage counselor,and your wife put that idea in joy's head.
216
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Really?
217
00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:49,320
Yes.You should've sn the way they double-teamed me yesterday at lunch.
218
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I was so worked up,I could only eat two burgers and a basket of wings.
219
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That sucks.
220
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That's all you have to say?
221
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Women are from venus?
222
00:12:04,530 --> 00:12:06,020
See,that's my point right there.
223
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If you and I were women and I had this problem,
224
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our brains would've already fused together into one big,mega woman brain
225
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and I would have 10 great reasons why I don't have to go to this thing on saturday.
226
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Ok,ok.
227
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How about you tell her this: How about you tell her that you heard that sometimes,
228
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marriage counseling causes more problems than it solves.
229
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Ok,that's good.That's good.
230
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Where did I hear it?
231
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The new york "times.
232
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" I like it!
233
00:12:35,930 --> 00:12:36,820
Hey,you know what?
234
00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:39,310
Nicole is over at my house right now. What do you say you go back over with me?
235
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You could be my backup.
236
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I don't know,man.
237
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I got enough to fight with my wife about as it is.
238
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We just had a big one at the movies when I didn't butter her popcorn.
239
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Apparently,that's my passive-aggressive way of calling her fat.
240
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And I said,"honey,if I wanted to call you fat,I'd just call you fat.
241
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" That did not help.
242
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Ok,so because you can't get a popcorn order right,I have to go alone and fight two wives like I'm a mormon?
243
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Come on.Don't do this to me,man.
244
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Come on.Look,joy has help.
245
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I need someone on my side.
246
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All right.I'll be your corner man.
247
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I'll be your mickey to your rocky.
248
00:13:14,590 --> 00:13:15,770
Great.
249
00:13:15,770 --> 00:13:16,810
I don't want to be mickey.
250
00:13:16,810 --> 00:13:18,790
He's old. I'll be apollo creed.
251
00:13:18,790 --> 00:13:19,830
He has a cool name.
252
00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:20,700
Ha ha.Alright
253
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,870
No,no,no. I don't want to be apollo creed.
254
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:23,670
Man,he fought rocky.
255
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,480
I don't want to fight you.
256
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,730
Oh,of course,he only fought rocky in the first and the second one,and then,
257
00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:33,110
you know,in the third one,mickey died,and then he coaches him when he fights mr.T.
258
00:13:33,110 --> 00:13:34,590
I want to be mr.T!
259
00:13:34,590 --> 00:13:35,750
Ok.Ok.
260
00:13:38,330 --> 00:13:41,820
- hello,joy,nicole. - Hi.
261
00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:43,540
Look who I ran into.
262
00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:47,520
How y'all doing?
263
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,860
Eddie,what's going on?
264
00:13:51,860 --> 00:13:53,430
Oh,nothing really.
265
00:13:53,430 --> 00:13:59,260
Just hanging out with my friend,the way you're hanging out with your friend.
266
00:13:59,260 --> 00:14:02,630
We both got friends.
267
00:14:02,630 --> 00:14:08,870
That's right.People we can talk to about our lives,who can give us new insights.
268
00:14:08,870 --> 00:14:12,430
My friend nods,too.
269
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,280
Oh,my god.Are you still on that?
270
00:14:18,030 --> 00:14:22,630
Oh,I am on it,I am all under it,and I'm all around it.
271
00:14:22,630 --> 00:14:24,560
- Are you scar? - Not really.
272
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,840
- You're not? - No
273
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,390
ok
274
00:14:31,690 --> 00:14:35,470
So,you really think that he's going to help you argue your way out of the workshop?
275
00:14:35,470 --> 00:14:36,440
Maybe.
276
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,040
May not need him at all.
277
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:44,430
Actually,I've been doing a little reading on my own about the marriage counseling workshops,and,um...
278
00:14:44,430 --> 00:14:47,800
turns out that they may cause more problems than they solve.
279
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,680
That's not me talking that's "the new yorker.
280
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:50,530
" New york "times.
281
00:14:50,530 --> 00:14:52,520
" New york "timeS.
282
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,360
" When did you read the new york "times"?
283
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:54,980
On the bus.
284
00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:56,400
- What bus? - The downtown bus.
285
00:14:56,400 --> 00:15:00,670
- Downtown bus to where? - The new york "times.
286
00:15:00,820 --> 00:15:01,830
" That's it.You got it,champ.
287
00:15:01,830 --> 00:15:03,050
You got it.You got it.
288
00:15:03,050 --> 00:15:04,800
Bob and weave. Bob and weave.
289
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:08,180
I got you.I got you.
290
00:15:10,460 --> 00:15:11,180
Look,see,that's how they roll.
291
00:15:11,180 --> 00:15:11,840
No,no,no.
292
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,610
- Don't even worry about that. - See that?
293
00:15:13,610 --> 00:15:15,290
- It's what they do. - Yeah.
294
00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:18,010
Let me ask you a question,eddie.
295
00:15:18,010 --> 00:15:21,150
Do you think you're a good husband?
296
00:15:21,150 --> 00:15:24,380
Hold it.Careful.
297
00:15:24,380 --> 00:15:26,940
Smells like a trap.
298
00:15:26,940 --> 00:15:29,730
Just answer the question.
299
00:15:41,490 --> 00:15:44,610
Pass.
300
00:15:49,010 --> 00:15:50,940
You can't pass.
301
00:15:50,940 --> 00:15:55,850
I can't?Then,yes.
302
00:15:55,850 --> 00:16:00,150
Ok,so you are so perfect,there's no room for improvement?
303
00:16:00,150 --> 00:16:04,270
I see 8 things wrong with you right now.
304
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:08,980
Well,I'm just saying I don't need some hokey workshop to keep my wife happy.
305
00:16:08,980 --> 00:16:12,960
Are you saying you refuse to give back just a little bit to your wife��
306
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:17,830
the woman who drained your coccyx cyst every day for 3 weeks
307
00:16:17,830 --> 00:16:23,510
and still had the stomach to make love to you?
308
00:16:23,510 --> 00:16:27,280
Damn,that's nasty.
309
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,710
Maybe you should go to that workshop.
310
00:16:29,710 --> 00:16:33,110
Excuse us a second,will you?
311
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:35,120
Whose side are you on?
312
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:40,240
Yours,but unless you have something that's going to top coccyx cyst,you're dead.
313
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:41,800
- What do you got? - I got nothing.
314
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:45,770
You know that these women have this huge database about stuff they can use against us.
315
00:16:45,770 --> 00:16:46,860
I don't have a memory like that.
316
00:16:46,860 --> 00:16:52,220
If I close my eyes right now,I couldn't even tell you what clothes I was wearing.
317
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:53,710
You should just give up,man.
318
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,560
Hey,the workshop's only 4 saturdays.
319
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,450
I'll tape the college games for you.
320
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,830
No way.I'm not dying on this hill.
321
00:16:59,830 --> 00:17:01,360
I got to do something.
322
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:06,300
Well,unless you can come back from her squeezing pus out of your coccyx,mm.
323
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:13,400
Oh,sure.
324
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,790
Joy drained my cyst,but I help my wife,too,
325
00:17:17,790 --> 00:17:25,730
just like you help your wife when you wouldn't put butter on her popcorn 'cause you were concerned about her weight.
326
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,090
What?
327
00:17:32,290 --> 00:17:36,160
Oh,god.She's speaking korean.
328
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:37,930
Why did you do that,man?
329
00:17:37,930 --> 00:17:43,290
I-I-I'm sorry,but your wife is a heat-seeking missile,and I had to deploy you as countermeasure.
330
00:17:46,340 --> 00:17:48,000
Baby,I didn't call you fat.
331
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,700
I just forgot the butter!
332
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:52,720
Butter,butter,I am out of here.
333
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:54,810
I-- baby,but you can't go.
334
00:17:54,810 --> 00:17:56,730
You're my ride home!
335
00:18:03,070 --> 00:18:04,700
My tapes don't speak that fast.
336
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:06,930
I don't even know what she's saying!
337
00:18:06,930 --> 00:18:09,050
Baby!Wait!
338
00:18:09,050 --> 00:18:16,510
All right,well,listen.Have a good time at that workshop and I'll--I'll tape the games for you.
339
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:20,830
I cannot believe you just threw your friend under a bus like that.
340
00:18:20,830 --> 00:18:22,240
Oh,come on.He'll be fine.
341
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,260
She wasn't even that mad.
342
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:30,510
You must really be desperate not to go to that workshop.
343
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,850
Come on.They're the ones who need the workshop.
344
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:34,630
I mean,we're fine,joy.
345
00:18:34,630 --> 00:18:40,870
Why do we got to sit in a circle at the airport ramada with tommy timmy templeton telling us how to love?
346
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:42,530
You know what?
347
00:18:42,530 --> 00:18:47,220
You're right.Forget about it.
348
00:18:49,970 --> 00:18:58,820
I mean,yeah,sure,we've got problems,but I happen to think that our worst problem is this frkin' refrigerator.
349
00:19:02,260 --> 00:19:04,340
All right.All--all right.All right.
350
00:19:04,340 --> 00:19:07,170
Does my lady want a new refrigerator?
351
00:19:07,170 --> 00:19:10,250
Then that's what my lady gets.
352
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:14,630
- Are yoserious? - Absolutely.
353
00:19:14,630 --> 00:19:17,250
You're the best.
354
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:22,030
But I got to be honest.
355
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:26,550
I am going to miss that stabbing.
356
00:19:32,310 --> 00:19:38,570
Give it a few more whacks for your daddy.Go on.
357
00:19:38,570 --> 00:19:40,680
That's it.Go on.
358
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,770
That's it.
359
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:49,660
Hey,eddie,I know you feel bad about the new fridge,man,
360
00:19:49,660 --> 00:19:51,880
but I got to tell you,she's a beauty.
361
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,450
Sleek.Built to last.
362
00:19:54,450 --> 00:19:58,260
Big,old bottom bin,just like I like 'em.
363
00:19:58,260 --> 00:19:59,450
Look,it's just an appliance.
364
00:19:59,450 --> 00:20:03,160
Take it down a notch.
365
00:20:03,390 --> 00:20:07,010
What's up,crockett,tubbs?
366
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,960
You know,I just took this yoga class with steph and her friend mandy.
367
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:19,320
I had my head further between my legs than I ever thought possible.
368
00:20:21,850 --> 00:20:24,280
So,you're hanging with her fight friend?
369
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,820
Come on,man.You can't consort with the enemy.
370
00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:28,690
Oh,no,I had it all wrong about mandY.
371
00:20:28,690 --> 00:20:33,980
She actually told steph to give me her grammy's birthday money as a thank-you for how hard i work.
372
00:20:33,980 --> 00:20:34,930
Really.
373
00:20:34,930 --> 00:20:38,710
Please tell me you invested some of it in a bronzing cream.
374
00:20:38,710 --> 00:20:39,440
No.
375
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:45,260
It was such a nice gesture,I actually took the money and bought steph a day of beauty.
376
00:20:45,260 --> 00:20:47,300
Oh,my god.Don't you see what's happening here?
377
00:20:47,300 --> 00:20:49,520
She played you.Steph let you win.
378
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:53,430
She knew that you would feel bad and get all mushy and then do something nice for her.
379
00:20:53,430 --> 00:20:56,390
It's a classic bait and switch.
380
00:20:56,780 --> 00:21:00,640
Oh,you mean like if I wanted a new fridge,but I pretended to want to go to a marriage workshop
381
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:06,270
'cause I knew you'd say no and feel bad and then let me buy one?
382
00:21:06,270 --> 00:21:08,500
That would be funny.
383
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:11,860
That would be funny.
384
00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:27,310
I never had a chance.
385
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000
386
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000
30452
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