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Til Death
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sync:Mina
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Season 1 Episode 12
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Come on, defense!
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Yeah.Hey, 44!
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Take off your mascara and get into the corners, you wuss!
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I love my hockey girl.Come here.
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Yeah!Taste the boards, buddy!Lick 'em!
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Welcome to the house of pain, you czechoslovakian piece of cr...
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I can't do this anymore.
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I hate hockey.
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What are you talking about?
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You love hockey.
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No.I hate it.
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I hate it with my whole heart.
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What do you mean?
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You've always loved hockey.
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No, I never loved it.
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I lied.Sorry.
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Yeah, but...this is our thing, baby.
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We...we love it.
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I'm really, really cold, and I hate it.
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I'll meet you in the car.
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So she lied to you.
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What's the big deal?
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What's the big deal?
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The entire fabric of our relationship is built on the fact that she loves hockey!
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All right.Settle down there, drama queen.
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You're not auditioning for the winter play.
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I mean, you don't understand.
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On our third date, she got us matching jerseys.
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She had me tape games for her.
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Our wedding cake was 3 stacked hockey pucks.
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That seems a tad gauche.
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That's what I said, but she insisted.
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Oh, man, what am i going to do?
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I just bought a package of 20 home games.
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Hey, you know, i got tickets for tonight.
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You want to come?
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Oh.Sorry.I've got a thing.
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Is that my lunch?
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No!It says "jeff woodcock" on the bag.
43
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Fine!
44
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Let's see what else we got here.
45
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Isn't that mrs.Mckenzie's?
46
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Yes.And she can do with one less pudding cup.
47
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All right, look.
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Obviously you're upset, but the fact that steph lied is very natural.
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Everybody does it.
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It's what dating is all about.
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It's what gets you to the altar.
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You think anyone would marry anyone if they knew the truth?
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Well, I never lied to steph.
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Oh, really?
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Does any of this sound familiar-- "I love foreign films.
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"No, I don't mind if the cat "sleeps on the bed with us.
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Lionel richie-- he rocks.
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" What does this have to do with lionel richie?
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I'll tell you what this has to do with lionel richie.
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When joy and i first started dating, she would always show the goods,
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but she'd never let me touch them.
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Then one night on the radio comes "dancing on the ceiling,"
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and she goes, "oh, that's my favorite song.
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" And I say, "hey, mine, too.
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" Now, did I like the song?
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Of course not.
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Did I approve of the message "dancing on the ceiling"
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was sending out to children?
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Totally irresponsible.
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The point is, it was a big lie.
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But suddenly, off comes joy's flashdance sweatshirt, and we're in business.
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Well, good for you.
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But I never had to lie about stuff like that.
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Steph was just really easy.
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I can see that.
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Look, she might have lied before, but now she's telling the truth,
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and that's the beauty of marriage--
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you could finally be honest about who you really are.
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You don't have to keep pretending that you have
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these things in common or these shared interests.
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You can just go out and do your own thing,
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spending days without talking or even seeing each other at all.
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That's true intimacy.
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Look, I gave you back your lunch, and you're not even touching it.
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I'm just saying.
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Hey, sweetie.
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Hello, steph.
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If that is your real name.
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Come on.Are you still mad about the hockey thing?
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I'm really sorry, ok?
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It's just really creepy, all right?
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It's like if you lied about that, what else did you lie about?
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Did you have a nose job?
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Are you a U.S.Citizen?
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Have you really only been with 14 guys before me?
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I didn't lie about anything else.I swear.
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I just pretended to like hockey.
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All right.Ok.Good.
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And "spinal tap.
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" What?!Oh, my god!
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No, I just meant-- you don't like "spinal tap"?
102
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Well, it's just sort of goofy.
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Goofy?"Spinal tap" is goofy?
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It's my favorite movie!
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Oh, my god.She doesn't like "spinal tap." Do you believe that?
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Jeff, I'm sure there's stuff you lied about, too, right?
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Like antiquing.
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You always come with me.
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You say how you love it.
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But no guy loves antiquing.
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Some guys love it.
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There's got to be something.Come on.
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Well...no, no.Yeah.I got something.
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You remember that haircut that you got last year, the one with the bangs?
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I said I loved it, but I didn'T.
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I liked it, but I dn't love it.
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There you go.Doesn't that feel better?
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No.I am pathetic.
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You're not pathetic, honey.
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And you don't need me to enjoy hockey.
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You loved it before you met me.
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That's true.
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And you can love it again.Tonight.
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You've got another game.
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Why don't you go with one of your guy friends?
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Ok, yeah.Good.Good.I'll just...I'll go with one of my guy friends.
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Yeah.Right.
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I got 2 hours to make a guy friend.All right.
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The mini chopper pro replaces all these appliances.
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Now, how much would you pay for something like this?
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29 95
132
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But wait.There's more.
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We're prepared to offer you the mini chopper pro,
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the chopper pro junior, and the recipe book, a $200 value, all for--
135
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- $19.95
- Aah!
136
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How long have you been sitting back there?
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About an hour.
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Really?
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Yep.
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Huh.You know, I was talking to woodcock about this.
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This is marriage-- 2 people doing their own thing,
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living totally independent lives.
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What are you talking about "independent lives"?
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We're sitting 4 feet away from each other, looking at different sized screens.
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Well, yeah, but...we have nothing in common.
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Really?
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What are you doing back there?
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Well, I'M...purchasing the product that you're watching.
149
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But listen.
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That's not the point.
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We have totally separate interests.
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No, we don'T.
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Yeah, we do.
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Name one thing that you do without me.
155
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Well...for starters, I bowl.
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Oh.You're a bowler?
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Yes.Love to bowl.
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Have my own ball, my own patented move-- the stark strike-maker.
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Ghty ball!
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I gave your ball away 7 years ago.
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What?
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What are you talking about, you gave it away?
163
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It's right here in the hall-- I can't believe you gave away my ball!
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It was custom drilled for my fingers.
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I loved that ball.
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Did you?
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What color was it?
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Round.
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Not only have we not grown apart, we are the same person.
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You know what?You're wrong, because I am my own person.
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I am unique, like a human snowflake.
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No, you're not.
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Look at the way you're eating that cookie.
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You're using one side as a shovel to eat the filling-- the cookie shovel.
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Where'd you learn that technique, snowflake?
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From my friend bill?
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From me.The cookie shovel is mine.
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Oh, and check this out.
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Ta-da!
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What?
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We're wearing the same outfit.
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Oh, my god.
183
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You know those couples that we make fun of in the yogurt place?
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We're them!
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I got to get out of here.
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I got to find my own thing.
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Where are you gonna go?
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I don't know.
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I'll head north.
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Good luck with that.
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I'm telling you, I have to do something.
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We are not going to turn into the old yogurt people.
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Wait.You're really going out?
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What am i supposed to do?
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I don't care what you do.
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Just don't do what I'm doing.
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What are you doing?
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I have no idea.
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Well, I don't want to just sit here by myself.
200
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Ok.Well, go out with that frnd who calls you l the time
201
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and I always forget to give you the message--marla.
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Barbara?
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Barbara.Exactly.
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Wait.When did barbara call?
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Like, every day last week.
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It was something about her getting divorced.
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Oh, my god!
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Oh, jeez!
209
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Eddie, what are you doing here?
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Just doing my own thing.
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What's up with you?
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Just going to go to that hockey game alone.
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I love hockey!
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I'm in!
215
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Love it!
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Ok.Hockey.
217
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Love it!
218
00:09:39,410 --> 00:09:42,850
You know, I haven't heard the canadian anthem in quite a while,
219
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but I got to say, I think it's better than ours.
220
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:50,560
All right.Where is that puck?
221
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I got to be honest, I haven't seen it at all tonight.
222
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You know, steph could always find the puck.
223
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She has eyes like a navy pilot.
224
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You just forget about her, ok?
225
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You know, when it would get chilly, we would snuggle up under this blanket.
226
00:10:04,060 --> 00:10:07,190
Yeah.Well, you're gonna have to buy me a few more beers for that to happen.
227
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Mmm.Oh, snap out of it.
228
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Hey, you want to do the wave?
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All right.I guess.
230
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What do you mean, you guess?
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Come on.Surf's up!
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Whoo!
233
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Ok.Maybe it's a little bit too early for the wave.
234
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But that is gonna kill later.
235
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You will see.Yeah.
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Go, baby!Go, baby!
237
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Oh.Oh.Look.Look at sally mchockey over there, putting on an act.
238
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Hey, it's all a lie.
239
00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:44,150
Once the ring gets on her finger, it's gonna be all pedicures and tea parties.
240
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She's not a hockey girl, buddy.
241
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She's a fake.
242
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I will kick your ass.
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Ok.She's for real.
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She's the real deal.
245
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Good luck to you, sir.
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You're gonna make beautiful children.
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Ok.Her boot's in my spine.
248
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Someone's not respecting personal space.
249
00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:12,510
Just so you know, if something happens, I do not have your back.
250
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:20,200
Barbara, I'm so sorry that I didn't call you back.
251
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I had no idea that you and marty were splitting up.
252
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Neither did I.
253
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It was pretty sudden.
254
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I mean, there were signs...like the constant pressure to have a 3-way.
255
00:11:31,780 --> 00:11:36,150
Wow.That explains marty's e-mails to me.
256
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Anyway, the important thing is that I'm moving on.
257
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I mean, I don't need marty to validate me because I'm happy with who I am.
258
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Do you like the lips?
259
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:47,670
Did I do too much?
260
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,550
Do I have trout pout?
261
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:50,710
No.No.
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Another couple of days, you'll be able to close them all the way.
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I hope so.
264
00:11:57,590 --> 00:12:00,380
So...how'd you get to come out by yourself tonight?
265
00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:00,960
Where's eddie?
266
00:12:01,060 --> 00:12:03,470
Oh, he had this whole meltdown because I told him
267
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,250
we were kind of becoming the same person,
268
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:10,210
and so he wanted to go out and do his own thing tonight, be his own man.
269
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:14,540
Last time I saw him, he was wandering up and down the block looking into mailboxes.
270
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:21,320
Well, what I'm hearing is that you are an honorary single girl like me tonight.
271
00:12:21,370 --> 00:12:23,580
What?What's going on?
272
00:12:23,630 --> 00:12:25,650
This place turns into a dance club at 9:00.
273
00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:26,950
Oh.We should get the check.
274
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:27,880
What are you talking about?
275
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,030
We're staying.
276
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,010
You're going to be my wing-woman.
277
00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:33,080
Oh, barbara, I don't know.
278
00:12:33,130 --> 00:12:35,390
It's been years since I went clubbing.
279
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:36,500
Oh, come on.
280
00:12:36,550 --> 00:12:37,920
You can still shake it.
281
00:12:37,970 --> 00:12:40,280
Oh, I can still shake it.
282
00:12:40,380 --> 00:12:44,040
Last I checked, these still got me free drinks.
283
00:12:44,090 --> 00:12:46,450
So, ok.Game on!
284
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:51,170
Oh, I don't know.I...I...
285
00:12:55,210 --> 00:12:57,890
Wow.I can feel that bass everywhere.
286
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,640
Sit down already.
287
00:13:07,690 --> 00:13:08,800
I'm going down.
288
00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:10,150
I'm mostly torso.
289
00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:12,370
It takes a while.
290
00:13:13,430 --> 00:13:15,060
You were in the bathroom that whole time?
291
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:17,290
It was pretty disturbing.
292
00:13:17,390 --> 00:13:21,280
There was a man helping another man pee in the sink.
293
00:13:23,590 --> 00:13:27,390
Oh!Oh, yeah!Look at those 2 guys wailing on each other!
294
00:13:27,490 --> 00:13:30,210
Look at that.There's blood everywhere.
295
00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:32,330
Steph should be here for this.
296
00:13:32,380 --> 00:13:34,980
Steph doesn't like hockey, ok?
297
00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:37,100
And quite frankly, I think I get her point.
298
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,940
What is so great about this experience?
299
00:13:39,990 --> 00:13:41,240
Is it the cold?
300
00:13:41,290 --> 00:13:43,120
Is it the relentless organ music?
301
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:47,510
Is it that simple-minded fellow who keeps hitting his cow bell?
302
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,340
That's cow bell george.
303
00:13:49,390 --> 00:13:51,560
His wife is here with him.
304
00:13:52,860 --> 00:13:56,660
Can I ask you to please not kick my chair?
305
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:59,560
How about I kick you in the head?
306
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:06,240
Wow.She did it.
307
00:14:06,290 --> 00:14:08,340
She didn't even wait for an answer.
308
00:14:10,660 --> 00:14:14,640
You want to dance with the scarecrow?Come on!
309
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:26,000
Ok.I stand corrected.
310
00:14:26,050 --> 00:14:28,200
This is my new favorite song.
311
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:32,830
Ha ha!Whoa.Sailor.
312
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,470
What are you leaving room for, cream and sugar?
313
00:14:35,950 --> 00:14:38,150
Ok, she's married!
314
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,450
I'm divorced and back on the pill!
315
00:14:42,930 --> 00:14:44,650
Barbara!
316
00:14:44,790 --> 00:14:49,280
Hey!I am so glad that eddie made me come out tonight.
317
00:14:49,330 --> 00:14:53,200
Whoo!Oh.Oh.I'm gonna call him.
318
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:57,840
You know, these lips aren't the only thing I've had done.
319
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,230
It's going right to voicemail.
320
00:15:03,810 --> 00:15:05,050
Eddie!
321
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:07,280
Hi!Ha ha!
322
00:15:07,330 --> 00:15:09,670
Oh, I'm so glad you made me do this.
323
00:15:09,770 --> 00:15:12,400
I hope you're having as much fun as I am.
324
00:15:12,450 --> 00:15:13,250
Whoo!Ow!
325
00:15:13,290 --> 00:15:15,450
You're hurting my nipple!
326
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:16,500
It's not worth it, cathy!
327
00:15:16,550 --> 00:15:18,320
Not in your first trimester!
328
00:15:18,370 --> 00:15:19,230
He's right, cathy.
329
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,810
You got way too much to lose.
330
00:15:20,860 --> 00:15:21,820
All right, george!
331
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,500
Put down the cow bell!
332
00:15:31,420 --> 00:15:32,850
Hey, you're home early.
333
00:15:32,900 --> 00:15:34,480
Is the game over?
334
00:15:34,530 --> 00:15:38,350
No.We were asked to leave right after eddie flipped off the kiss-cam.
335
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,550
But I got you one of these.
336
00:15:40,650 --> 00:15:41,510
A towel.
337
00:15:41,570 --> 00:15:42,520
Not a towel, angel.
338
00:15:42,570 --> 00:15:43,770
A rally towel.
339
00:15:43,820 --> 00:15:46,510
You know, when your team's down and you need them to rally.
340
00:15:46,610 --> 00:15:49,190
Well, I need you to rally, honey.
341
00:15:49,710 --> 00:15:53,850
Whoo!Huh?You're freaking out a little here.
342
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:54,760
What's going on?
343
00:15:54,860 --> 00:15:57,390
I need us to go back to the lie, ok?
344
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,740
I need you to tell me that you love hockey,
345
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,510
because it's really not the same without you.
346
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,430
So we're going to wave our towels,
347
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:04,910
we're going to watch the end of the game,
348
00:16:04,970 --> 00:16:07,730
because the girl I married loves hockey, and if you don't love hockey,
349
00:16:07,770 --> 00:16:10,270
then I don't know who the hell you are.
350
00:16:11,990 --> 00:16:13,900
This is nice, right?
351
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,060
Go ahead.Say it.
352
00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:18,070
Say you love it.
353
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,580
Say you love hockey.
354
00:16:21,630 --> 00:16:23,010
Ok.I love it.
355
00:16:23,060 --> 00:16:25,930
Liar!But you said you wanted to go back to the lie.
356
00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:26,890
We can't go back!
357
00:16:26,940 --> 00:16:28,000
I know you hate it now.
358
00:16:28,050 --> 00:16:29,360
You've ruined hockey for me!
359
00:16:29,410 --> 00:16:30,750
You've made me question everything!
360
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,140
I am very angry inside!
361
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,910
Stupid rally towel!
362
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:44,760
Jeff, I'm so sorry this is making you upset.
363
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:47,270
I never meant to hurt you.
364
00:16:47,410 --> 00:16:49,610
Let me ask you something.
365
00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:53,340
When you called me after our first date and told me you had hockey tickets
366
00:16:53,390 --> 00:16:58,500
and asked me to go, if I had told you I hated hockey, what would have happened?
367
00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:00,410
Would we have ever had a second date?
368
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:01,290
Probably.
369
00:17:01,340 --> 00:17:04,360
No.You'd have taken somebody else to the game.
370
00:17:04,410 --> 00:17:08,040
And then you never would have put your arm around me when I got cold.
371
00:17:08,090 --> 00:17:11,000
We wouldn't have had our first kiss that night.
372
00:17:11,050 --> 00:17:14,540
And it's possible we wouldn't have ended up together.
373
00:17:14,780 --> 00:17:17,310
None of this would exist.
374
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:19,610
So...I lied.
375
00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:21,710
I said I loved hockey.
376
00:17:22,070 --> 00:17:24,220
I'd do it again.
377
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:27,200
It got me you.
378
00:17:27,390 --> 00:17:30,540
It's the best lie I ever told.
379
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:36,180
I...never thought of it at way.
380
00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:38,850
Well...it's true.
381
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:39,770
Ok.How about this?
382
00:17:39,820 --> 00:17:41,590
How about we compromise, ok?
383
00:17:41,650 --> 00:17:43,990
How about you go to one game a season?
384
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:44,900
You got it.
385
00:17:44,950 --> 00:17:49,870
Ok.And maybe you could wear the jersey when we do, like...
386
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,170
you know, other stuff.
387
00:17:52,220 --> 00:17:54,870
You mean like sex?
388
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,800
I was thinking antiquing, but I like yours better.
389
00:18:00,850 --> 00:18:02,720
Tv announcer: Not as hungry as you thought you were?
390
00:18:02,770 --> 00:18:03,870
Not a problem.
391
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:08,020
Pack it, suck it, and save it with the new vacuum packer.
392
00:18:08,070 --> 00:18:10,370
Operators are standing by.
393
00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:15,100
- Whoo!
- Hey.
394
00:18:15,150 --> 00:18:16,530
Oh, my god.
395
00:18:16,590 --> 00:18:17,590
What a night.
396
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,130
I am so glad you made us go out.
397
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:23,330
Barbara and I went to this restaurant that became a nightclub,
398
00:18:23,380 --> 00:18:26,390
and I danced so hard on the bar that I broke a heel.
399
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,120
Oh, and a bamboo ceiling fan.
400
00:18:30,270 --> 00:18:32,700
I got beat up by a girl.
401
00:18:34,370 --> 00:18:36,090
Oh.I'm sorry.
402
00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:37,240
No, I'm sorry.
403
00:18:37,290 --> 00:18:38,680
I hate it out there.
404
00:18:38,740 --> 00:18:41,180
I don't need interests or my own thing.
405
00:18:41,230 --> 00:18:45,390
I'm fine just sitting right here, being the same person as you.
406
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,780
Hey, you want to put on our matching flannel jammies?
407
00:18:48,830 --> 00:18:53,170
No.Actually, I just came home to change my shoes.
408
00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:56,590
Barbara and I are going to go for waffles with these gay guys that we met.
409
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,420
Oh.Ok.***
410
00:18:58,470 --> 00:18:59,550
Save me your bacon.
411
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:01,180
I will.
412
00:19:17,310 --> 00:19:19,790
What happened to gay waffles?
413
00:19:20,370 --> 00:19:21,900
You know what?Barbara won't miss me.
414
00:19:21,950 --> 00:19:24,820
I was kind of stealing her thunder anyway.
415
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:26,880
That's my girl.
416
00:19:27,210 --> 00:19:30,170
Tv announcer: And the sucking doesn't have to stop in the kitchen.
417
00:19:30,220 --> 00:19:32,950
Winter sweaters taking up too much room?
418
00:19:32,990 --> 00:19:36,730
With the new vacuum packer, you can suck them down to size.
419
00:19:36,780 --> 00:19:39,550
Now, how much would you pay for an item like this?
420
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,130
29 95
421
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,040
No way.
422
00:19:42,090 --> 00:19:45,590
They're going to give it to us for $19.95, but they're going to kill us on the bags.
423
00:19:45,690 --> 00:19:46,840
No.
424
00:19:46,930 --> 00:19:50,330
Now about the low price of $19.95?
425
00:19:50,420 --> 00:19:51,670
Bags sold separately.
426
00:19:51,770 --> 00:19:54,010
Booyah!
427
00:19:57,820 --> 00:19:58,980
It's ok, honey.
428
00:19:59,030 --> 00:20:02,230
We don't have to have the same favorite movie.
429
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:07,480
You'll have "spinal tap," and I'll have...anything else.
430
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:08,530
Oh, no.It's great.
431
00:20:08,630 --> 00:20:11,020
We're just going to watch it one more time.
432
00:20:11,070 --> 00:20:12,270
Amp goes to 11.
433
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,230
That's classic.
434
00:20:14,330 --> 00:20:16,050
It...it speaks for itself.
435
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:18,390
I'm going to stop talking.
436
00:20:21,810 --> 00:20:24,870
I'm sorry.I still don't see why that's funny.
437
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,070
Because it goes to 11.
438
00:20:28,690 --> 00:20:31,310
Things never go to 11.
439
00:20:31,380 --> 00:20:33,000
It's always 10.That's the standard.
440
00:20:33,050 --> 00:20:34,440
No, I get that.
441
00:20:34,490 --> 00:20:38,310
I just...why don't they make it that it goes to 40?
442
00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:41,040
You know, like much higher.
443
00:20:41,850 --> 00:20:44,280
Wouldn't that be funnier?
444
00:20:45,190 --> 00:20:48,300
No!"This one goes to 40.
445
00:20:48,350 --> 00:20:50,310
" What the hell is wrong with you?
446
00:20:50,370 --> 00:20:51,800
Just go put on the jersey.
447
00:20:51,850 --> 00:20:53,010
I'll be in there in a minute.
32117
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