All language subtitles for 16 There Goes the Bride (1).English

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road
and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest
gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached
would say

♪ "Thank you
for being a friend" ♪

Checkmate.
Checkmate?

I thought we were
playing Yahtzee.

OK, that's a do-over. No, that is not a do-over.
You do this every time.

Last time you thought
it was checkers,

before that it was Battleship,

and twice you yelled out
"snake eyes!"

No, that was for you.
It was a mascara note.

Anyway, I can get out of this.
The game's not over till the fat lady sings.

♪ I'm singing in the rain ♪

Hi, girls.

You're in a good mood, Rose.

Is someone expecting her
"special visitor" tonight?

Oh, don't be silly, Blanche.

I haven't had my "special
visitor" in years.

Neither have I. It's amazing, when you live
with women, you get on the same cycle.

I am talking about
your date, Rose.

Who is this secret man
you're seeing?

Oh, it's not a secret. His name's Ray.
He's a friend of Miles'.

You are dating a friend of Miles'?
You scallywag!

You skunkweed!

What's that mean?

I don't know.
What does yours mean?

Girls, Ray and I aren't dating.

Miles is in Europe
with some students,

and I needed an escort for the
Children's Hospital fund-raiser.

Miles suggested I take Ray.
As a friend, that's all.

You're missing
a prime opportunity.

Dating a boyfriend's
friend is exciting.

Take it from me.
I wrote the book on dating.

Really? What's it called?

It doesn't have a title,
you twit.

Hi... Oh, sorry.
Well, good night.

Oh, you going to bed already?

What's terrible
about going right to bed?

Hey, Blanche, that's a
great title for your book!

Rose told us about
this secret date.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Rose has something called a "date," Dorothy.
How can I explain this?

Remember when you went to a restaurant
and a man pulled out your chair?

Well, if that had been a date,
he would have warned you first.

I thought you were
going out with Stan.

I am. I am.
See you later.

Oh, Blanche, favor?

Oh, Dorothy, come on.
This has been going on for months now.

"I have a date with Stan.
Can I borrow your bike?"

He can't pick me up or my mother'll hear the car.
You think I'm proud of this?

Go on, honey, take the bike.
Thank you.

Dorothy?
I'm just going around the block.

Dorothy!
Oh, God.

I hate what this
does to my hair.

What's the matter, honey?
Did you have a bad time with Ray?

It wasn't Ray.
His ex-wife, Myra,

ran into the Chowderhead's, where we
were eating, and started yelling at me.

Then she grabbed a lobster out of the
tank and forced me out of the booth.

How is the lobster
at Chowderhead's?

Scary. So I don't
know what to do.

I tried to convince Myra that he's just
a friend, but she wouldn't listen.

She won't accept the divorce.
I feel threatened.

Oh, please, that's no threat.
Where I come from,

when someone wanted to make a point,
they'd tie a string around your finger.

Well, come to think of it, it wasn't
a string, it was a piano wire.

Actually, it wasn't your
finger, it was your neck.

Anyway, it was very popular.
In fact, piano wire

was our village's
second biggest export.

You know what our biggest export was?
(both) No.

Too bad.
I don't remember either.

My God, I've left brain cells
all over the Eastern Seaboard.

Psst. Psst.
Where's Ma?

Who?
Ma. Where's Ma?

In the cemetery in St. Olaf.

Why do you want to know?

Because I thought we'd all go out and
toilet paper the Westons' house.

My Ma!

Don't worry,
she's gone to bed already.

Well, did you have
a good time tonight?

Oh, it was wonderful.

Oh, girls, I cannot tell you

how nice it is
to be with Stan lately.

He's fun and attentive
and sweet.

Oh, even in the bedroom,
he's just...

Well, he's really brought new
meaning to the word "solicitous."

(Rose giggles)

What was the old meaning again?

Dorothy, do you love him?

Well, what does
that mean, Blanche?

He was my husband, he was
the father of my children.

Of course I have
feelings for him.

Uh-huh.
Well, what are they?

Love.

I guess I love him.
Oh, I can't believe it.

Of course I don't love the fact that he still
keeps his toupee in the lettuce crisper.

But it does look fresher,
and you deal with it.

Dorothy, if you do love
him, tell your mother.

She's gonna find out.
Don't you think it's better coming from you?

Oh, I guess so. That's settled.
Now let's get a move on.

Where you going? To get the toilet
paper for the Westons' house.

But remember, we have
to be really quiet.

Dreyfuss will bark at anything,
and Barbara carries a gun.

Oh, what the hell.

I understand, dear,
but we're not dating.

Is that the woman who threatened
you with the lobster?

Why are you talking to her?

She keeps calling.
What should I do?

I'll get you off that phone.

Rose, I've fallen and can't get up.
Help me!

I can't help you right now.
I'm on the phone.

Myra... Myra, please.

Who's on the phone?
It's that woman from the restaurant.

Give me the phone.

So, uh, you're Myra.

Who am I?
Some call me Sophia.

Others know me
as "The Terminator."

Of course, these people have corneas
that look like cotton balls.

Maybe I better talk.

Is that right? Well, listen,
Myra, I'm not afraid of you.

I'm from Sicily. You know what the
number one export of our village is?

Ransom notes.

I had a flashback in the can.

She hung up.

She's not so tough
without her lobster.

She must really be nuts
about that ex-husband.

You'd have to be crazy to want
a relationship that badly.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Relationships, Dorothy.
Human relationships.

Remember when that guy asked
you to sleep over? Yes.

If that had been a relationship, you
would've been called a girlfriend

instead of a dogsitter.

Ma. I'm not proud of this, but there's
something I have to show you.

Oh, please.
I've done a lot worse.

I've done panties over pants,

bras over blouses.

One Easter I wore a shower
cap over my bonnet.

No, Ma. I'm going out tonight..
with Stan.

No.
Yes, Ma, I really am.

I believe you.
I said no.

Ma, I've been seeing him secretly for
months now, and we're getting close.

I see.
So, what can I say?

Will you do me one favor
on your way out?

Will you back over me
with the car?

I knew you'd take it well.

Ma, I am going to
continue seeing Stan,

and there's nothing you can do
to make me feel guilty about it.

Where are you going?

Chest pains.

Ma, it's not going to work!
I don't feel guilty!

Dorothy!
Nobody help her.

We all know she's fine.
We all know what she's doing.

God, I hate that woman. Ma!

I have some news.
I told my mother about us.

You're kidding?
How did she take it? Pretty well.

Chest pains?

You remember.

Hey, you don't forget
your wedding day.

Eat your potato.

What? Oh, honey, no.
I know it's a very important vegetable to you,

but I'm really stuffed.

Then stick your finger in it.

Stan, you pig.

Come on. I don't ask much.
Oh, all right.

But we're gonna
get you a hobby.

Something hard in here.

It's a...
it's a scalding hot ring!

Oh, Stan.
It's beautiful!

And it's for you, Dorothy.
And it's for keeps.

I am through with the single life.
The ski bunnies, the bar scene.

The puka shells. Oh, Stanley,
please say the puka shells.

Well, you're not leaving me a whole
lot of personality room, are you?

All right, the puka shells.

So, what I'm saying is...

will you marry me, Dorothy?

You know, again?

Dorothy, these last few
months have been incredible.

After all the struggling, we're
finally into the good stuff.

Let's share it.

I don't know what to say.

Don't you see?
We belong together.

We're... an artful complement
of individual tastes,

enhanced instead
of concealed by each other.

And served
in our natural juices.

You got that from the menu.

It was the special.

Cajun prime rib.
But I think it applies.

Yes.
Yes?

Yes, yes, yes. Stanley, I will marry you.
You know, again.

You've made me so happy.
I feel so lucky. I'm the lucky one.

Dorothy Zbornak
is going to be my wife.

I want to shout it from the rooftops.
I just want to tell the whole world!

Me too!

But not my mother.
But not your mother.

What you doing, Rose?

Myra's been calling me at work
and threatening me,

so I'm fixing a flashlight
to walk out to my car at night.

In case she's planning
on surprising me. Good.

Women should always check their cars
at night before they get in 'em.

Blanche,
that's a wonderful idea.

I was just gonna shine it under my
chin to make myself look scarier.

I am really afraid.
I'm gonna call the police.

Well, that's a good idea, honey.
Better safe than sorry.

Girls, girls, guess what happened tonight.
Give us a hint.

The best thing that could
happen to a woman.

The circus!
The circus is in town!

No, no, Rose. No.
It's about Stan.

Well, I was close.

Stan asked me to marry him.

And?

And I accepted.

Oh! Oh!
I don't know what to say.

Well, I sure as hell do.
Group hug!

Oh, honey! Oh, Dorothy!
The ring! The ring! The ring!

Oh, Dorothy, it's beautiful!

Oh, are those baguettes?

No. They're little
pieces of potato.

He hid the ring in the potato.

Ah!

Honey, if this is what you want,
we couldn't be happier.

Oh, it certainly is.

Oh, well, this is great.
And you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna have a big shower,

and a beautiful wedding out on the lanai.
It'll be wonderful.

From here on in, I guess I'm going to have
to get used to calling you Dorothy Zbornak.

Rose, you've always called me
Dorothy Zbornak.

I know, but I never
really meant it.

So! Another tenants' meeting
I wasn't told about.

What's the topic this time?
How to lose the old lady?

No, Ma,
we're past the old business.

We're into new business.

Ma...

Ma, Stan gave me
an engagement ring.

I see. Excuse me.

Ma, that's a microwave!

I know. I want to get this over
with as quickly as possible.

Oh, Ma, I thought
you'd be happy for me.

I mean, Stan has changed.
He's made a commitment. He's matured.

Sophia, he put
the ring in a potato.

You're not helping, Rose.

What happened to the commitment
he made the last time?

This one's different. No, it's not.
He'll hurt you again.

A promise means
nothing to this man.

You'll give the ring back.
That's my final word.

No, excuse me, you'll pawn the ring.
That's my final word.

"To keep Stan warm on those cold
winter nights: a head cozy."

Lois, this is just too much.
Where'd you find such a ridiculous thing?

I make them myself.

And it's the perfect
color for Stan.

You crossed your legs.
You lose another sticker.

Oh, Rose.

Rose, these games of yours
are absolutely ridiculous.

I can't think of anyone with enough control
to keep her legs apart all the time.

More chips?

I just got off the phone.
That stripper you called is on his way over.

Great, I'll start
another game in the meantime.

Everybody, pay attention.
New game.

(all) Ugh!

Oh, this is a St. Olaf favorite.
Everybody puts on a blindfold

and then they choose a partner.

And then they think of a number and
the other person thinks of an object.

And then the bride tags someone
and they call out their number

and then they switch with her,
and so on and so on and so on.

However many switches there are,

that's the number of children
the bride will have.

And the numbers have to add up
and you can collect the objects.

OK, everybody,
put on your blindfold.

Everybody wearing 'em?
(all) Yes!

OK, spatula, 11!

Sorry to interrupt.
I got a call from a Mrs. Rose Nylund.

The woman inside
said you'd be here.

My God.
You are just perfect!

Now look,
that is her right there.

She doesn't suspect a thing.
You got your handcuffs?

Well, yes.
OK, great.

Now look, when I give you
one of these... Hiya!

...you go into your dance.
You got it?

Listen, I think
there's been a mistake...

Oh, my goodness,
just look who's here!

Why, we must have the music up
too loud. I'll turn it down.

(♪ stripper)

There's your criminal.

Prosecute her
to the utmost of the law!

Hello!

Blanche!

Oh, can you believe this?
The stripper's here

and we're missing it, all because
of these stupid blindfolds!

OK, Furillo, drop your pants.

It's time for a little
search and seizure.

Touch me again
and you'll go to prison, lady!

Honk, honk!

Blanche!
Blanche, we have company.

This means you're a real cop?

Yes, ma'am.

The name is Devereaux.
Blanche Devereaux.

Whoo!

Sophia, honey, you really ought to go out on the lanai.
You're missing quite a shower.

I'm not missing anything. Where I'm from
the marriages are arranged by the parents.

Is that what's bothering you, Sophia?
Nobody asked your permission?

It's the Italian tradition.

What do you think Fiddler
on the Roof was about?

That's a Jewish musical.

What do you mean Jewish?

I remember there was Enzo
Stuarti, Dom DeLuise...

Boy, I've got to stop seeing
these things at dinner theaters.

How's it going out there?

The stripper used to be a cop,

and the cop always
wanted to be a dancer.

Now they're wearing each other's
hats and it's really getting weird.

Ma still won't join us?
She's still upset.

Oh, I cannot believe
that she's this stubborn.

Maybe you ought to take
a different approach with her.

You know,
a more traditional one.

Like? Ah, I don't know.
Like, um...

Set up a meeting and have
Stan ask for your hand.

In an Italian sort of way.

Well, what do you want me to do?
Go in, bow my head and kiss her ring?

Hey, you know something?
That just might work.

I mean, she thinks
of herself as the Godfather.

I'll just make her an offer
that she can't remember.

Sophia, thank you for coming.

I want you to know
how grateful we are

that you are seeing us
at this time.

Did I sit down?
Have I sat down yet?

I'm sorry.

No, I mean, am I this short?

My God, you two
are like redwoods.

So, as is tradition,

I am ready to accept your
various gifts and offerings.

You may begin, Dorothy.

I appreciate your sense of ritual,
Ma, but just so you know,

I still have Shady Pines
on the speed-dial.

Moving on.
What do you want, Stan?

Stan wants to talk to
you about the wedding.

Are you Stan?
Am I talking to you?

I'm Stan, Sophia.
Over here.

Oh, sorry. I thought it was like one
of those "am I sitting" questions.

Anyway, Sophia,
it occurred to me

that I never actually asked your
permission to marry your daughter,

and well, I guess in asking her
hand, I'm also asking your hand.

So, what do you say?
Will you be my mother-in-law?

Marrying us both, eh?

So, uh, I suppose one could say
six years ago you left us both.

Of course, that was after you spent the
entire marriage cheating on us both.

The only difference is, you
haven't been forgiven by us both.

So the answer is no.

I don't trust you, Stan.

And where there is no trust,
there is no family.

You marry this man
and we're no longer family.

You do this,

you are out of my life forever.