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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,394 SQUEALING OF BRAKES 2 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:46,839 Effy! 3 00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:49,388 Effy! 4 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:51,595 Effy! 5 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,075 - What's wrong? - It keeps happening. 6 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,350 OK. Lie down. 7 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,038 - Do you mind? - No. 8 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,190 I like this story, anyway. 9 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:06,753 Thanks. 10 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:13,357 "Orpheus was the greatest poet who ever lived. 11 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:17,791 "His music was so beautiful that when he played, rivers would stop flowing, 12 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:21,833 "winds would stop blowing, and the skies would open up 13 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:25,111 "so his wondrous melodies could be heard by the gods in heaven. 14 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:31,879 "One day, his wife, Eurydice, was bitten to death by vipers. 15 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:36,031 "Overcome with grief, 16 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,958 "Orpheus played heartbreaking songs on his lyre. 17 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,317 "The gods were moved, 18 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:45,955 "and so advised Orpheus to travel to the land of the dead 19 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,390 "and sing his songs to Hades to bargain for his wife. 20 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:55,395 "So it was that Hades' heart was softened 21 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,238 "and he allowed Eurydice to leave on one condition - 22 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:02,671 "that Orpheus would walk in front and never look back." 23 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,200 - Hey! Here he is! - Looking good, mate. 24 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:11,357 - Cheers. I feel quite good. - (Liverpudlian) Oi! No pushing in. > 25 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:14,073 - (Boy) Oh, fuck off, you Scouse twat. > - What's going on here, then? 26 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:19,155 Ah, you know, man. The winds of change. Rivers of blood and all that. 27 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:22,112 Shit getting wild, man. Him and her, 28 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,639 Sid and Michelle... THUD! 29 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:26,035 - Easy, man. - Yeah. Where is Sid? 30 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,878 He came early... with Michelle. THUD! 31 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:33,313 FAST DANCE MUSIC PLAYING 32 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:36,955 CHEERING AND WHISTLING 33 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,034 All right? 34 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:48,877 It's loud. 35 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:51,879 You all right? 36 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,195 What do you mean? 37 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,470 You look a bit... 38 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:58,954 I'm fine. 39 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:02,151 Loudest club in the West, mate. You gonna be all right? 40 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,555 Yeah. I'll be fine. 41 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,109 - Hey, Tony. - Hey, Cass. 42 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,798 Are we going somewhere? 43 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:11,955 Oh, yes. 44 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:19,395 - You sure you're ready for this? - I'm totally ready. 45 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:35,030 Ah. Isn't that sweet? 46 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,833 (Cassie) I'm sad about them. 47 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,393 Aren't you? 48 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,551 I'm fine and dandy. 49 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:46,229 Good. We're just fine and dandy. 50 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,479 < Come on. You can buy me a drink. 51 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:02,192 I think that since Sid and Michelle are together, we should do the same. 52 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,112 - What, go out? - Yeah. 53 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,469 Get dressed up? Go on a date? 54 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:09,873 Yeah. 55 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,718 And we'd talk and eat dim sum, then I'd take you home. 56 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,318 And I'd walk you upstairs. 57 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,828 And I'd knock my head on the door frame and fall downstairs. 58 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:20,031 - And I'd run and get the witch hazel. - And I'd say, "Witch hazel? 59 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,548 "What are you, 90? Get me some fucking painkillers." 60 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,068 And I'd say, "Hey, it's an excellent astringent. 61 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,395 "And we're out of aspirin, anyway." 62 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,273 And then I'd turn the argument into a good, hard, angry fuck. 63 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:33,756 - That's where we might have a problem. - What do you mean? 64 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:38,271 I've got a bit of a problem in the... downstairs department. 65 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,594 What? 66 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,631 You know, downstairs. 67 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,113 What? Where? 68 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:44,673 Oh, for fuck's sake! 69 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,109 - My cock doesn't work. - What? 70 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,639 My cock doesn't work! 71 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:04,037 Hi. He's watching us. 72 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,078 We can't help it, Sid. 73 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,719 No. 74 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,351 It's OK, isn't it? 75 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,515 Isn't it? 76 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,999 It's fine. We're fine. 77 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:29,108 Fine. 78 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,912 - OK? - I'm fine. 79 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,791 And dandy. 80 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,836 Whoa! Here it comes. 81 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:44,912 Oh, I've missed this. Fucking hell, I've missed this! 82 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,153 I feel good! 83 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,237 Yes, but take it easy, Tony. 84 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:56,512 I feel so fucking good! 85 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,232 What about our date? 86 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:02,353 - Yeah! - You all right? 87 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:06,154 I'm balalaika, feathered up, and ready to rock da party! 88 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,713 Yeah, boy! 89 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,672 - Yeah, b-o-o-y! - Yeah, b-o-o-y-y-y? 90 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:37,029 Yeah! 91 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,509 Dude. I can't believe you're going out with Michelle. 92 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:50,198 It just kind of happened. 93 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,151 But you're... you know. 94 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,394 What? 95 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,351 Well, you're not exactly... 96 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,789 Not exactly what, exactly? 97 00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,717 Not exactly, you know... 98 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,473 ...a player, a don, an R Kelly, a baby daddy... 99 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:04,748 All right. I get it. 100 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,155 ...a smooth criminal, a president of the USA, 101 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,760 - a Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, cheese Buddha. - OK. 102 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,552 Hey, Sid. 103 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,593 Tony. Um... you having a good evening? 104 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,517 I'm just marvellous, Sidney. 105 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,109 Like hell on Earth in here. Glorious. Yourself? 106 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,833 - Er, yeah, yeah, I'm all right. - Excellent! 107 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,711 Vibrant! Superb! 108 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:28,318 So glad to hear it. 109 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,998 Tony, are you OK? 110 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,350 I'm top-notch, buddy. Enjoying your night out? 111 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:36,715 Me, too. 112 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:46,834 Oh, my God... 113 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:53,788 Oh. > 114 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,319 Hey, Nips. 115 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:59,069 - Don't call her Nips, Tony. - Why, what you gonna do? 116 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:02,078 I'm, er... objecting. 117 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,115 Strongly. 118 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,720 - Come on. - Tony, what are you doing? 119 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,479 Isn't she pretty? Eh, man? 120 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,830 Eh? Eh? Hey! 121 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,236 - Tony! - You two make such a sweet couple! 122 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,909 Out of all the world's famous lovers - Antony and Cleopatra... 123 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,190 - Listen. ...Taylor and Burton, Jordan and Peter... 124 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:23,958 (Michelle) Stop it. 125 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,436 ...Bert and Ernie, I would say that you two are, 126 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,278 quite possibly, the greatest snog history has so far encountered. 127 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:32,993 What is wrong with you, Tony? Are you OK? 128 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:35,873 What is it with you people and the concept of OK? 129 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:39,708 I mean, we're a fucking threesome, aren't we? You know... peas in a pod. 130 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,876 A fucking family - that's what we are. 131 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:43,194 - Do you need to sit down? - No! 132 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,390 - Just calm down. - No. I need to... 133 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:48,193 I don't... I've got... 134 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,037 I need to go... 135 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,194 Out of my way! > 136 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,431 VOMITS 137 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,670 - (Girl) It's a panic attack. That's all. - What? 138 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:24,030 It sounds like you're having a panic attack. 139 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:26,719 I can't breathe. 140 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,273 I can't... 141 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,392 < Maybe it's because you wanna fuck your sister. 142 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,637 - What? - Do you want to fuck your sister? 143 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,069 No! Jesus! 144 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,271 It's just people say panic attacks come from deeply repressed sexual urges. 145 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:41,309 You know? 146 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,477 - What? - I was just testing a theory, see. 147 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,238 FLUSHING 148 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,156 Actually, I'm talking shit, 149 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,998 cos it turns out a panic attack's just a fuckload of adrenaline 150 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,076 mainlining into your heart. 151 00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:00,078 It's just how we deal with danger. 152 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,429 "Fight or flight", they call it. Right? 153 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,596 I don't know you. 154 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,029 Are you a fighter or a flighter, Tony Stonem? 155 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,719 - Huh? - Cos depending on your answer... 156 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,678 Well... a lot depends on your answer. 157 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,912 See you around. 158 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:33,633 SQUEALING OF BRAKES 159 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,031 DOORBELL RINGS 160 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,234 Hi, Effy. (Silly voice) How are you? 161 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,078 I'm fine. (Mimics Michelle) How are you? 162 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,758 Good. Is Tony here? We need to speak to him. 163 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:20,591 Tea? Coffee, anyone? 164 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,551 - Er... no, thanks. - Er, no, I'm fine. 165 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,194 - Tony? - No, thank you. 166 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,391 You OK, Tony? You seem a little under... 167 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,396 well, under the bed. 168 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,829 (Tony, muffled) I'm fine. 169 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,394 - Tony, come out. - I'd prefer not to. 170 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:46,078 - I think we need to talk about this. - I really don't know what you mean. 171 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,156 Well, me and Sid are together now. 172 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,668 (Tony) Yeah. I know. 173 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,632 And you're obviously not OK with it. 174 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:58,276 - Who says I'm not? - Well, you did, pretty much, last night. 175 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:03,314 (Tony) Oh, come on. I was only taking the piss. You know... cos it's funny? 176 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:09,478 Listen, do you mind? I've got an interview. Got to get ready. 177 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:13,513 - All right? - Oh, OK. See you later, Tone. 178 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,599 Bye, Tony. 179 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,159 (Tony) Bye. 180 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,353 CRASH! 181 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,879 Fuck! 182 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,195 Take this. It's stuff. Maps and shit. 183 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:50,832 OK. 184 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,032 You look really good, Tony. Like you're ready for anything. 185 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,273 Thanks. See you later. 186 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,195 I'm gonna tell you a story. 187 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,273 A bloke, 188 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,390 he wakes up one morning. 189 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,874 He gets dressed. He goes down the stairs. 190 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,878 He makes himself a little bit of breakfast. 191 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,195 He walks to the garage, he gets in his car. 192 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,630 He starts his car, drives off... I don't know, a couple of miles. 193 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,875 Stops. Gets out his car. 194 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,718 Has a couple of blokes pour petrol over his head and... 195 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,077 ...sets fire to himself. 196 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,034 - He... what? - Sets fire to himself. Fucking boom! 197 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,278 What's in the bag? 198 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,039 My sandwiches. 199 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,190 So what we got? 200 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,550 Ham and cheese, chicken, or egg and cress. 201 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,238 Egg and cress. 202 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,836 Isn't life wonderful? 203 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:08,719 You looking? 204 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:14,039 - I don't... What? - A few scars, a few marks. 205 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,670 What do you think of them? 206 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,597 I think they're horrible. 207 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,790 At least I fucking wear 'em. Right? 208 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,913 - Right. - How about you? 209 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,997 - Do you... have any marks? - No. I'm fine. 210 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:32,758 Oh, yeah, course you are. > 211 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,478 You're fine and dandy. 212 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,112 Right? 213 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,359 Egg and cress. 214 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,316 It's a little fucking miracle. 215 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:48,073 18 years old. The age of opportunity. 216 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,190 I bet you can't wait to come here. 217 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,596 Imagine it - being able to live away from your parents 218 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:58,953 and you can do anything you like, like stay up all night and eat ice cream! 219 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,599 - Derek. - Thanks, Polly. 220 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,392 So... 221 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:08,991 new home, new friends, new horizons. 222 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:10,871 The good times, the bad times... 223 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,150 The parties. Oh, my God, the parties! 224 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:17,113 The loves that will never be, even though they seem so right. 225 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:21,153 Just remember, though, that if you will drink - 226 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,430 and personally, I have a bitter lemon... 227 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,874 ...but if you do, just don't overdo it, 228 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:32,959 or you won't be able to get up in the morning for your lectures! 229 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:38,838 So... any more questions before group sessions? 230 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,110 (Northern male) Are you two shagging or what? 231 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,353 No, we're not. 232 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:54,389 I adore Derek to bits, but he's more like a brother. 233 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,715 But you'll make friends like that here too. 234 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,320 Friends who appreciate that you never, 235 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,591 never, never want that to happen. 236 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,552 So... no. 237 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,910 We're certainly not doing that. 238 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:13,037 No. We're not. We're... 239 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,559 truly not. 240 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:20,029 (Voice breaks) Any more questions before? (Thank you.) 241 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,793 Why d'you have to go and be so beautiful inside? 242 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:13,675 Don't you know it's torturous? 243 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,917 You have got some great charisma... 244 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:21,509 You know, if you don't work together, then you'II... 245 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,272 You're late. 246 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,390 Sorry... I couldn't find the room. 247 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:33,116 Yet everybody else seems to have managed, which I find kind of spooky, really. 248 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:36,799 Sorry. 249 00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:39,839 Please. 250 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:46,196 So... whilst you were meandering around the corridors, 251 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,674 we were introducing ourselves. Martin, 252 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,917 you were telling us what you did in your gap year. 253 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:55,555 Yeah... As I was saying, I spent most of my time in Central America. 254 00:20:55,600 --> 00:21:00,151 You know, building bridges of the real and the symbolic variety. 255 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:05,115 You know, just really teaching the people out there the value of teamwork. 256 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,390 So 6,000 years of tribal society, 257 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:11,115 they still hadn't managed to grasp the rudiments of teamwork. 258 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:15,358 Sloppy. They must have been delighted that you showed up. 259 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,038 You next. 260 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,469 - Me? - Yes, yes, you. 261 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,476 Enlighten us, do. 262 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,317 Um, OK. 263 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,991 I'm Tony Stonem. 264 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,349 - I go to college. I live in... - I actually said enlighten us. 265 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,311 Don't bore us, Mr Stonem. 266 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:41,717 Speak about yourself, about your motives, your drive, your animus. 267 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,950 - I... - Don't know what animus means, do you? 268 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,357 - Yes. I know what it means. - Well, I'm relieved. 269 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:55,439 You see, because at this university, we don't have room for the inarticulate. 270 00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,238 I think I'd better go, then. 271 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:01,077 Bye. 272 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,918 Good. So, Tony, you were about to tell us just how extremely clever you are. 273 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,559 - I'm not that clever. - Oh, he's clever, all right. 274 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,795 Really? > 275 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,478 Touching. 276 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,795 Sadly lacking in substance. 277 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:26,834 At our university you have to have verve, a sense of charisma - 278 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:30,589 intellectual thrust. That's what we're here to do this afternoon - 279 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,837 find out whether you're a giver, or whether you're... 280 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,030 < Willing to sleep with the lecturers? 281 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:40,353 - I'm sorry? - I was just making the point, sir, 282 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:44,029 that you've been screwing every girl in here with your eyes since we arrived, 283 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:48,756 which suggests that sex ranks higher than substance. 284 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,870 And I'll pass, thanks. 285 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:54,708 You see, I don't really find intellectual thrust that sexy... 286 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,638 Or fake tan, for that matter. 287 00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:00,069 Oh, you think that's funny, do you? 288 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,435 - It's possibly funny. - Possibly funny. 289 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,153 Right, well, the thing is, I don't actually have to put up... 290 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,158 OK. Cool. See ya. 291 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:17,517 I think you should join her. Don't you, Tony? 292 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:24,679 Toodle-oo. 293 00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:29,074 DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS 294 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,031 You. 295 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,275 (Girl) You really fucked up in there. 296 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:43,029 (Tony) I really fucked up? Wait, what are you even doing here, anyway? 297 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:44,798 Same thing you are. 298 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,835 Wow! Check it out. 299 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:03,354 Ah! Shall we? 300 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:09,718 No. No way. First of all, I can't really swim very well any more and secondly... 301 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,352 Ah, boo-hoo! 302 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,710 SHE LAUGHS 303 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,159 What the fuck?! 304 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,111 I told you, I can't... 305 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,076 - I can't... can't swim! - Oh, you're such a pussy. 306 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:32,956 - I can't. - You just don't want to. Lie back. 307 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,558 That's it. 308 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:37,712 You're OK. 309 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,398 It's easy. 310 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:42,839 Just float. 311 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:49,074 Why d'you have to go and be so beautiful inside 312 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:54,148 Don't you know it's torturous? 313 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,514 You have got some great charisma 314 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:04,033 But to our senses we are all estranged 315 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:08,032 Why d'you have to go and be so beautiful inside... 316 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,036 < Excuse me. 317 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:13,554 Come here, please. 318 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:20,392 ...You have got some great charisma But to our senses we are all estranged... 319 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:24,399 Come on. Bit naughty, but never mind. 320 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,192 Up you come. 321 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:38,398 Tony - is that right? 322 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:40,317 Yes. 323 00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:43,909 Now, Tony, the thing is, we're not really supposed to go in the pool. 324 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:48,112 - It's really only for sporting events. - And the Super Irony Fun Splash Club. 325 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:53,075 And the Super Irony Fun Splash Club, too. You're supposed to be on the tour. 326 00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:55,680 There was this girl, but she's gone. 327 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,870 Don't go with her, Tony. 328 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,673 - What? - You should join us. 329 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:02,312 What? 330 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:05,830 Yes. We'll find you somewhere you can dry off. 331 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:09,156 You should get out of those wet clothes, too. 332 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,988 I'd really like to see you out of those clothes. 333 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,315 I'll lend you my cagoule. 334 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,310 I'm all right, thanks. Just... 335 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,191 I'm all right. 336 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:26,879 (Derek) 'Built in 1972, then demolished the following year' 337 00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:30,515 before being rebuilt in '85, the Bulwer-Lytton building 338 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:33,393 is a classic example of the late modernist, 339 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:34,919 post-Bauhaus development 340 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:38,475 from humanist rationalist impulses from utility. 341 00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:42,638 Inspired by Alvar Aalto's signature style, the building is built... 342 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,274 Psst! 343 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:46,639 In here. Come in here. 344 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:52,357 ...social interaction and the hyper relevance of volume as, er... 345 00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:58,279 I want to talk to you. 346 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:00,873 Come here, then. 347 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:09,596 - What are you doing? - The idea is to walk across the room. 348 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:12,473 The room's full of shit. 349 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:15,637 This is a lab. It's an experiment. 350 00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,109 Come here. 351 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:21,118 ELECTRICITY BUZZES 352 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,639 For fuck's sakes. 353 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:26,276 BREAKING GLASS 354 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:28,072 Fuck. 355 00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:32,876 Oh, shit! 356 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:34,239 SHE LAUGHS 357 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:35,269 Ow. 358 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:38,353 ALARM BLARES 359 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:40,391 (Tony) Bollocks. 360 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,116 Well done. 361 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,674 Well done? 362 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,198 You got here, though. 363 00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:54,593 What do you want from me? 364 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:55,834 ALARM CONTINUES 365 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:58,758 Hey! Who's in there? Over here! > 366 00:27:58,800 --> 00:27:59,789 Better run. 367 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,674 (Man) Hey! Stop! Come back here, you! 368 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,917 Oi! They're going down the science block. 369 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:08,439 Come back! 370 00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:26,671 Halls of residence. 371 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:29,029 Shall we? 372 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:38,476 SNIFFS 373 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:41,080 Ah-hah. 374 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:48,512 Good afternoon. 375 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:49,879 How may I help you? 376 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:53,993 We're seeking shelter from the fascist oppressors. 377 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:55,519 And we're wet. 378 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:02,354 Can I interest you in some hashish? 379 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:03,992 I'm not really supposed to. 380 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:06,349 Drugs do odd things to me at the moment. 381 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:08,834 Aren't they supposed to? 382 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:10,677 This is Matt. 383 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:12,199 You want a hit from the bong? 384 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:15,391 He is an artist. Truly, an artist. 385 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:18,512 I'm Toby. His roommate. 386 00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:23,998 And this is of the purest, highest possible grade. 387 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:25,268 I assure you. 388 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:26,799 (Girl) Cool! 389 00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:29,593 SHE LAUGHS 390 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,870 Bravo! 391 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:33,876 All splendid fun. 392 00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:35,592 KNOCK AT DOOR 393 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:40,510 Polly! My little chaffinch. How the devil are you? 394 00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:44,758 I'm going to pretend that I don't smell that, Toby. 395 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:47,394 Smell what, mon petit chou? 396 00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:50,716 It's very, very naughty, what you're doing, Toby. 397 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:52,113 Quite possibly. 398 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,754 Anyway. Have you seen a... 399 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:56,597 wet boy running around here? 400 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:59,234 He's lost. And he's truly in a lot of trouble. 401 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:03,592 We have witnessed no moist children 402 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:08,111 of the masculine variety gallivanting within these halls, no. 403 00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:10,435 Oh, hey, Poll. How's it going? 404 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:11,674 Oh... Hi, Matt. 405 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:13,915 You, er, you thought about what I asked you? 406 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:15,109 Yes, actually, I have... 407 00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,276 And? 408 00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:19,550 All right, you can shag me. But only once. 409 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,356 You're lucky Bruce is in Guatemala. 410 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:25,834 Fine. I'll be around later. 411 00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:42,073 Can't allow our friends to be naked alone, Matthew. 412 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:43,951 It's just not cricket. 413 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:45,479 < Got ya... 414 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:08,154 They're beautiful. 415 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:09,758 Oh, thanks. 416 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:11,995 I do them myself. 417 00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:13,109 Do you? 418 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:14,639 Yeah. 419 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:17,990 So you could do me... now? 420 00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:22,989 Sure, if you're up for it. 421 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:33,112 BUZZING 422 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:39,349 Does it hurt? 423 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:42,353 Beautifully. 424 00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:47,235 What are you getting? 425 00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:51,910 A mark... Passion... 426 00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:55,800 Want... 427 00:31:57,200 --> 00:31:59,475 Need... 428 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,591 My, my. 429 00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:11,395 Thank you. 430 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:14,318 My... 431 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,751 My pleasure. 432 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:24,598 (Girl) Come and look at it. 433 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:30,069 What's it like? 434 00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:32,111 Good. 435 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:33,752 Touch it. 436 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:34,789 What? 437 00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:36,319 Touch it. 438 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,516 GASPS 439 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:45,789 I can't do this. 440 00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:49,355 So many things you can't do. 441 00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:53,154 You can't swim, you can't run... 442 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:55,634 You can't fuck. 443 00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:57,511 Oh, dear. 444 00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:00,279 How d'you know that? 445 00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:02,834 But you can, Tony Stonem. 446 00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:05,952 You can fuck me right now. 447 00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:07,115 No, I couldn't. 448 00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:08,149 You want to. 449 00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:10,111 Hey, fuck you! 450 00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:11,593 I got hit by a fucking bus. That fucks you up. 451 00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:13,915 Well, fuck you right back. 452 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:15,837 You're just not trying hard enough. 453 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:18,314 You must be so happy the way you are. 454 00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:20,828 Why do you care if my dick can get hard or not? 455 00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:23,075 This is fucked up beyond words. 456 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:25,076 Coward. Fucking coward. 457 00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:26,155 Coward. 458 00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:27,315 Wanker. 459 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:33,549 Why don't you just stop being such a fucking pussy and let the fuck go? 460 00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:37,391 Fucking leave me alone! 461 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:59,390 There you are. Are you OK? 462 00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:03,278 Look at you, you poor thing. 463 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:07,233 Come with us. We'll get you some warm clothes and a nice hot tea. 464 00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:11,114 The Musical Society are going to do a performance for all of you. 465 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:12,912 HMS Pinafore. 466 00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:15,394 (Polly) I've treacle and toffee I've tea and I've coffee 467 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:18,671 Soft tommy and succulent chops 468 00:34:18,720 --> 00:34:22,349 So buy of your Buttercup Poor Little Buttercup 469 00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:25,312 Come of your Buttercup, buyl 470 00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:27,954 (Polly) Come back! There'll be cheese and wine. 471 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:29,115 (Derek) It'll be fun! 472 00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:31,833 (Polly) There's always cheese and wine! 473 00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:44,239 Take a seat. 474 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:52,913 Eventful day. 475 00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:57,875 Pissing around in pools, smashing up labs, avoiding activities, 476 00:34:57,920 --> 00:34:59,911 getting up to no good in the dorms. 477 00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:00,949 How'd you know what I? 478 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:02,638 And now you turn up 479 00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:07,549 for an interview like, well... 480 00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:11,354 You know, I'm amazed you actually even bothered, really. 481 00:35:13,120 --> 00:35:15,236 But I'm a fair man, 482 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:17,669 so bearing all that in mind, 483 00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:19,870 why don't you 484 00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:25,074 try to convince me into offering you a place at this university? 485 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:33,829 Oh, you think you're so original, don't you? 486 00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:35,632 I have met a million kids like you. 487 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:39,275 Yeah, vaguely intelligent. Agonisingly middle-class. 488 00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:43,871 Read a book by Camus, a book by Kafka. No real substance, though. 489 00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:46,673 Just a little fucked-up jumble of misdirected, 490 00:35:46,720 --> 00:35:51,316 immature, poly-sexuality and pure, arrogant, impotent rage. 491 00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:58,348 So... 492 00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:00,118 What you got, big boy? 493 00:36:03,240 --> 00:36:04,798 Get off me. 494 00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:08,276 You don't know a fucking thing about me, you sanctimonious cunt. 495 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:11,710 But since we're playing the guessing game, let's make a few assumptions. 496 00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:14,638 A divorced, Ionely, middle-aged lecturer, 497 00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:16,830 who lives alone and gets his rocks off... 498 00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:17,869 You are really fucking blowing this... 499 00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:21,833 ...gets his fucking rocks off trying to sleep with fucking first years. 500 00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:25,555 Other hobbies include intimidation and furtive masturbation. 501 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,433 I bet you thought you'd died and gone to heaven when you got here. 502 00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:31,233 Your own office and all the students you could eat. 503 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:32,269 Let go of me now. 504 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:35,073 Animus. 505 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:38,430 It means spirit, courage, 506 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:41,199 passion, wrath. 507 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:45,911 This is mine. 508 00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:52,913 Who the fucking hell do you think you are? 509 00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:54,996 I'm a bad dream, mate. 510 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:58,476 I'm you before you shrivelled and died. 511 00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:00,954 And I don't wanna go where you've been. 512 00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:06,596 So in answer to your earlier question, 513 00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:09,029 you should've given me a place here. 514 00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:11,594 I'd have been the best student you'd ever had. 515 00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:35,791 Here he comes. Welcome back, Tony. 516 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:41,313 Congratulations, Tony. Good work, sir. 517 00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:42,475 Enjoy. 518 00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:44,556 The pleasure is all yours, sir. 519 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:46,989 The pleasure is all yours. 520 00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:27,438 PANTS 521 00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:43,799 You're not coming? 522 00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:47,870 I think I'll stay here for a while. 523 00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:50,589 It's peaceful. 524 00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:56,836 Go home. 525 00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:01,669 It was good to meet you. 526 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:11,519 Thank you. 527 00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:20,431 Don't look back, Tony. 528 00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:20,758 APPLAUSE 529 00:41:22,720 --> 00:41:23,709 Hey, Tone. 530 00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:25,955 Where are Sid and Michelle? 531 00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:27,479 No idea. 532 00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:29,839 You're a terrible liar, Jal. 533 00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:32,314 Anybody can see you've got something going on. 534 00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:42,429 Shit! 535 00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:43,469 (Michelle) Christ! 536 00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:44,509 What the fuck?! 537 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:45,788 Tony! 538 00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:47,034 What the fuck are you? 539 00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:48,069 Shut up! 540 00:41:48,120 --> 00:41:49,235 Sid, are you gonna let him? 541 00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:51,840 - Tony, I'm objecting to... - You're always fucking objecting! 542 00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:53,518 Can't you do something? 543 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:56,074 OK. OK, Jesus. 544 00:42:00,240 --> 00:42:01,389 Tony, what? 545 00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:04,910 Are you trying to scare me, cos it's not working? 546 00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:07,509 I love you. 547 00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:10,830 I'm saying it again. OK? 548 00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:15,792 And you. 549 00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:18,354 I love you too, you little fucker. 550 00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:27,875 This is wrong. Can't you see it's all wrong? 551 00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:29,194 You're my girlfriend! 552 00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:32,551 And you're my best friend. 553 00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:33,715 Tony, I love her. 554 00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:35,398 - No, you don't. - OK, maybe I don't. 555 00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:38,192 He loves Cassie. 556 00:42:38,240 --> 00:42:42,279 And you love me. That works. 557 00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:43,389 We work. 558 00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:46,000 Why now? It's too late. 559 00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:47,792 It's always been there, Michelle. 560 00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:49,512 It just took a while. 561 00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:51,710 I need you. 562 00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:56,359 You can't have her. 563 00:42:58,320 --> 00:42:59,309 It's wrong. 564 00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:02,949 It's wrong. 565 00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:05,999 That's all I'm trying to say. 566 00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:47,355 Everything's going to be all right, Cass. 40090

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