All language subtitles for Lets Kill Uncle.1966.BluRay-QUINHEVO

We interrupt to bring you
a special news bulletin.

Russell Harrison, millionaire
industrialist, was killed an hour ago.

He apparently lost control of his car.

He was alone.

His only survivors are a son,
Barnaby Harrison, age 12,

and a brother, major Kevin Harrison,
British intelligence world war ii hero.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

You hit me for no reason
at all, you hit me!

I hate you 'cause you're a
liar and you pushed me!

- I am not a liar!
- You're an awful liar!

- Liar, liar, liar!
- All right, all right, all right, both of you!

Both of you, stop it, stop it!

All right, now I'm gonna let you go,

but if either one of you lays a hand on
the other, I'm gonna whack you both,

and right where it will do the most good.

Play nice.

You know, this whole voyage
only takes eight hours.

And so far, you've managed to spill ink
on the captain's chart,

you covered the sofa in the lounge
with ice cream and chocolate syrup,

and now you're at each other's throats.

I thought we were lucky to have a little
girl going along with us to the island.

I told you we weren't.

- Girls bring out the worst in me.
- Well, once we're on the island

and my aunt picks me up, you won't have
to worry about me anymore.

And I won't have to listen
to your lousy lies either.

They aren't lousy lies!

My uncle was a famous spy and my father
did leave me millions when he died,

and... and, uh, what else did I tell you?

- That you were a policeman.
- Show her the badge.

- Barnaby.
- Show her the badge, sergeant.

Then she'll have to shut up.

Well, it's true, chrissie,
I am a policeman.

Okay.

Is Barnaby under arrest for something?

No, I'm taking him to the island
to join his uncle.

Uncle Kevin's my only living relative now.

Well, Barnaby ought to be
arrested for something.

He tried to push me off the
boat before I hit him.

I did not try to push her!

I was only helping her.

Barnaby.

Do you realize what would happen to you two
if you fell into the waters around here?

I'm not meant to die that way.

How are you meant to die?

I don't know, but it's not gonna be around
some broken old tub like this.

I think it's a nice boat.

My father had a cabin cruiser,
it was 80 feet and he had a...

Barnaby, shut up.

Now do you two think you could
stay here on deck in peace

while I go find the captain
and pay for the cleaning of the sofa?

I won't start anything if she doesn't.

Sure glad we couldn't
get the lifeboat loose.

Yo' sho' talk funny.

I do not talk funny.

Must be nice taking a vacation
with the policeman to look after you.

It's no vacation, stupid.

A vacation is what spies call a cover.

The sergeant and I are on a secret mission.

That's a lie.

Innit?

You just say I'm lying one more time,
just once more,

and I won't tell you anything
at all about the mission.

- I take it back.
- All right.

I won't know much more until my uncle
gets back with the president's orders,

but all I know so far
is that the joint chiefs of staff

are coming to the island.

By a nuclear submarine, I suppose.

Where's your little friend?

She's changing her clothes.

What did you spill on her?

I didn't spill anything on her.

I guess she wants to look good
when she gets to the island.

The captain just received this
from the mainland, sir.

- Hope you can read his writing.
- Thank you.

What's the matter?

Your uncle's been delayed a day.

This is a departmental authorization for me
to remain at his house until he gets there.

Great, we'll get to spend
another whole day together!

Yeah, yeah, that's just
what I was thinking.

Well, I better go acknowledge this.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Serenity island.

Yes, the most beautiful
of all the islands off the coast.

How long does the boat stay?

Ship, not boat.

Thirty minutes.

Do you ever go there much?

You mean, set foot on it?

Never.

But why not?

Because it's cursed.

Cursed?

By what, the sharks?

The sharks came eight years ago,

great schools of killers,
and started driving the people away.

Serenity island was a real place once.

Lovely hotel, fine
fishing, the air friendly.

Yes, sir, real place once.

Now it's dead.

But that's impossible,
islands just can't die.

Can't they?

What do you know,
the captain finally saw the island.

You've sure grown a lot
since I saw you last, chrissie.

I was just six then.

You're just like I remember you.

Well, this is it.

It's not very big,
but I think you'll find it comfortable.

I like it, aunt Justine, it's just
like your letter said it would be.

Can I see where I'm gonna sleep?

Yeah, sure, come on, I'll
give you the grand tour.

We live in a trailer court.

Always a lot of people around.

It used to bother my mother.

She says, "what's the point in living in a
trailer if you never go anywhere with it?"

Well, Diane always was restless.

My mother had a little one like this,
of you and her.

- Snapshot.
- Have you heard from your mother lately, chrissie?

Got a Christmas card from her,

with twenty-five dollars in it.

Well, that was a nice present, wasn't it?

Card came from Montréal, Canada.

Your boyfriend?

- He was.
- Did he marry somebody else?

No.

- Come on, I'll show you to your room.
- Okay.

Was this my mother's room
when she was little?

She and I shared it.

Sea keeps you company, I guess.

Yes, it does.

Don't you like your room, chrissie?

Oh, it's fine, it's almost as big
as the whole trailer where I live.

You're very pretty, aunt Justine.

Just like I remember my
mother when I was little.

You miss your mother very much, don't you?

Oh, I have a stepmother now,

and since she owns the trailer court,
we don't have to pay trailer space.

Makes it real nice for my father,
gives him more of a chance

to be alone in the trailer
with my stepmother.

You must understand, chrissie,
that when people get married,

they need to spend a little time together.

They just got tired of having me around
and put me on the first boat.

No, that isn't true.

I asked your father to let you come.

I was lonely, I wanted company.

We're gonna have a lot of fun together.

I'm only sorry there aren't any
other children on the island,

but at least there's a boy
that was on the boat.

Oh, he's an awful liar.

- I don't want to have anything to do with him.
- Chrissie.

Hey, why don't we have some dinner?

I'll get out the dishes
and maybe the candlesticks.

It's been a long time since
I had a guest to dinner.

I'm no guest. Can I help?

All right, you get the candles.

They're in the kitchen on the
left-hand side of the lower shelves.

Okay.

- Chrissie?
- Aunt Justine!

Oh, it's all right,
chrissie, it's all right.

It's just fine.

Ketchman, what the hell
are you doing in here?

I heard you were having company.

I brought you fish.

I was going to prepare them for you.

Well, why didn't you ring the bell instead
of scaring the wits out of my niece?

Look, just leave the fish alone,
I'll take care of them.

And, uh, thank you, it
was very nice of you.

Don't be afraid, miss.

There's nothing on the
island to be afraid of.

Isn't that right, Ms. Justine?

I'm awfully sorry he scared you, chrissie.

That's okay, aunt Justine.

A two-inch, .38-caliber
detective special, right?

That's right, Barnaby, how did you know?

I read an article about the detective
bureau in the Sunday papers.

Barnaby, why don't you
get your pajamas on, hm?

I'm not tired.

Did you ever kill anybody with that?

I winged a 211 suspect
one night outside a liquor store,

but he pulled through in great shape.

What's a 2117?

That's section 211 of the penal code,
armed robbery.

- Oh, then he had a gun too.
- Mm-hmm.

- You shot it out?
- That we did.

Oh, gosh, what kind of a gun did he have?

- A sawed-off shotgun.
- Crazy, I bet you got a citation.

Barnaby, pajamas on.

Sure, sergeant, did you get a citation?

Yes.

I'll show it to you sometime.

Oh, I'm glad they assigned you to bring me
all the way across the country, sergeant.

- Oh, have you read my uncle's book yet?
- Just the introduction.

- He's a pretty famous man.
- He was a hero during world war ii.

He worked with the British intelligence.

He was the best and the greatest
in the whole war.

I'll bet he tells a lot
of interesting stories, hm?

I don't know, I've only seen him
a couple of times in my life.

He's always traveling around the world,

looking for a war that
interests him, I guess.

- Sure kills a lot of people in the book.
- Well, there was a war on.

They were trying to kill him.

Oh, so it's just like
outside the liquor store.

The 211 suspect was trying to kill you.

No, your uncle was a hero, Barnaby.

I'm in the civil service.

Wait till you get to the chapter
where he kills the gestapo chief.

- It's the best part.
- What happened?

He walks right into the gestapo man's
office, dressed up as an SS general.

He closed the door behind him

and silently walked up to him,

and strangled him with a steel garrote
as thin as a piano wire.

- It's the best part of the whole book.
- It sounds great, I can hardly wait.

Excuse me.

Wait, you rotten Nazi, you've tortured
your last French woman.

Put that down!

I said put it down.

I... I'm sorry, sergeant,
I was just getting a feel of it.

Barnaby.

You leave my gun alone.

Do you understand that, leave it alone.

I'm sorry, I really am.

All right, now look,
it's been a hard day for both of us,

why don't you run off to bed.

- Night, sergeant.
- Goodnight.

Sergeant?

I won't touch your gun again.

- I've got your word.
- Promise.

Take it easy, chrissie,
there's plenty more where that came from.

It's funny, I usually only have
a cup of coffee for my breakfast.

- Aren't you a little young for coffee?
- Well, I guess so.

But my father only has a cup of coffee
and a cigarette before he goes to work.

I keep him company, or I used to.

- Could I have some more juice please?
- Sure you can.

What do you want to do today?

- Hey, we could go swimming.
- Eh, I never learned when I was a kid.

Hm, well, even as old as you are now,
I'm sure I can teach you.

Oh, I invited the sergeant and Barnaby
over this morning.

- There goes my appetite.
- Come on, chrissie.

After all, he's the only
little boy on the island.

I guess you hadn't eaten for a week.

I have so.

The ocean gives you an appetite,
at least that's what aunt Justine says.

- Hey, where's sergeant Travis?
- He and Justine are talking.

I guess they like each other.

How could they like each other, stupid,
they just met.

I only met you and already
I dislike you a whole lot.

- Well, why don't you get outta here.
- Okay.

Well, have you kids decided
what you want to do today?

- Sure, chrissie wants to see uncle Kevin's house.
- I do not!

Well, if he really is a real hero,

I guess I wouldn't mind looking at it.

Well, suppose Justine and I go swimming

and you kids meet us back here later.

That sounds fine,

but there are a few places on the island
where you have to be careful.

Now, death beach is full of sharks
and the hotel is very dangerous.

It's old and falling apart
and I want you two to stay away from it.

You told my aunt you were gonna
show me the major's house.

I am.

Right after we leave here.

- I don't wanna go in there.
- Why not?

It says "welcome."

- Let's go.
- That one says, "danger, keep out."

- I believe in the welcome sign.
- They don't mean welcome anymore.

They can't take it back,
a welcome's a welcome.

Come on!

Bellman!

Bellman, for the lady's
luggage, front and center!

Barnaby, leave it alone.

There's nobody to answer it, stupid.

I wonder what caused that.

Maybe lightning hit it.

Lightening hit the trailer court once,
scared me and the sitter.

My father was very mad at my mother
when he came home from work.

Is your mother very pretty?

She's beautiful.

I look like my father.

My mother only likes nightclubs so that's
where she was when the lightning struck.

Does you mother have nice legs?

That's none of your business.

Guess she can go to
nightclubs all the time now.

You mean, your mother and father
don't live together anymore?

Not for a year.

- And where's your mother?
- Oh, she died when I was little.

Oh.

What was that?

How do I know?

What was it?

Maybe a ghost.

Anyway, it's gone now.

- Barnaby, let's get out of here.
- No, we haven't seen all the hotel yet.

Well, I've seen enough.

Well, take off.

- Barnaby, wait a minute.
- What now?

You want a banana?

- What?
- Aunt Justine gave them to me this morning.

They give you energy.

Thanks.

Have you ever thought
of looking for your mother?

I did, once.

If she was interested in us,
she would've stayed.

At least that's what my father said.

What was that?

The front door, it's just the wind.

But there is no wind.

Barnaby, let's get outta here.

Oh, chrissie.

- Barnaby.
- Shh.

April 10th, 1954.

Hey, that's over 12 years ago.

- I was just a baby then.
- You still are.

I am the king.

You will bow down before me
or I'll have your head chopped off.

Oh, Barnaby.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Okay, I've seen enough.

- Really?
- Really.

We can come back again sometime.

Barnaby?

Barnaby, where are you?

Barnaby, please come back.

Barnaby.

Barnaby?

Barnaby.

Let me out, let me out!

Barnaby, Barnaby, where are you?

Barnaby!

Let me out!

Let me out!

Help!

Take it easy now, I'll
take you back to Justine.

I wouldn't have tried to scare you if I'd
known there was a pool with a shark in it.

Who are you?

Barnaby Harrison, I'm a
friend of Chrissie's aunt.

You are not.

- Do you live here at the hotel?
- We are the only guests.

♪ oh Shenandoah, I long to hear you ♪

♪ away, you rolling river ♪

♪ oh Shenandoah, I long to hear you ♪

♪ away, I'm bound away ♪

♪ 'cross the wide Missouri ♪

that's my father's favorite song.

He has me sing it whenever
he has a headache.

You mean, he has a headache
whenever you sing it.

We never had abalone steaks before.

We usually had, oh, filet mignon
and porterhouse steaks.

Served on a golden dish, I suppose?

- Well, as a matter of fact...
- Barnaby.

Didn't anybody ever tell you it's bad
manners to brag about how well you have it?

Yeah, my father did.

Here, let me help you.

Thank you, sergeant.

- Why not make it frank?
- All right, frank.

It's nice that the sergeant's here.

- Isn't it, aunt Justine?
- Yes, it is.

Now you can forget about the boy in the picture
that you keep on the mantel, the one who left you.

You don't know what you're
talking about, chrissie.

Barnaby, you wanted to
take a walk, didn't you?

In the dark?

Barnaby.

Well, come on, stupid.

We're being sent away so
the grown-ups can talk.

I don't want to go with you.

Chrissie?

Would you go with Barnaby
if I asked you to?

Sure, sergeant, I'd do anything
if you asked me to.

- Come on, stupid.
- Come on, stupid.

You have a fan, sergeant.

Sergeant?

I'm terribly sorry, frank.

You know, kids are funny, she said
what she did just now deliberately.

Just to upset you.

I know, but it's understandable.

Chrissie"s mother is pretty much gone
from her life now

and her father's married again
and they don't want her around.

- I wouldn't exactly say that they were lucky kids.
- No.

That's strange.

We don't get many planes
flying over the island.

Come on, he's gonna land!

- Hello, uncle Kevin.
- Hello, Barnaby.

Hello, son.

I'm sorry I couldn't get here before,
sorry I wasn't here to meet you.

Oh, that's okay, I'm just
glad you're here now.

Hello, young lady, what's your name?

- Chrissie.
- Hello, chrissie.

Do you have orders from the president?

Uh, don't listen to her, she's just a girl.

Remarkable observation, Barnaby.

Oh, this is a great island, uncle.

There are sharks and
tarantulas, and a ketchman!

Oh, yes, I remember the ketchman slightly.

We haven't told anybody else,

but there's a pool at the old hotel

with a shark in it.

We weren't supposed to go there,
but it almost got chrissie.

Hello, major.

- I'm sergeant Travis.
- My pleasure, sergeant.

- Sorry to have detained you.
- Oh, no trouble.

I'll take the steamer
out tomorrow afternoon.

And Justine, you won't remember me
but I remember you.

A lovely teenage beauty, a creatureless sun
on the sand, which indeed you are now.

- Welcome home, major.
- Thank you.

Barnaby been giving you any trouble?

- Oh, no, nothing we couldn't handle.
- Well, uncle's here now.

We'll keep him busy.

Barnaby.

Easy now.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing, Barnaby, it's just morning.

It's so early.

Yes, but I thought you wanted to show me
the shark in the pool?

Sure.

Well then, we'll have to go
before anybody else on the island is up.

After all, it is off limits, isn't it?

You mean, nobody else will know?

That's right.

Get dressed and don't make a sound.

It's almost like we're on a secret mission.

We'll call it, "operation shark."

Barnaby, I almost forgot.

I ran across something
in the den last night.

I thought you might like to have it.

Thank you, uncle Kevin.

- Is it money?
- No.

It's a badge of identification.

It was used, and for all I
know, may still be used,

by members of the triad.

The triad?

The world's oldest criminal organization.

The triad is older than the Sicilian mafia.

The Italian Camorra.

Older even than the ancient
murder cults of India.

The triad is older than all of these.

What do the letters say in English?

The three symbols of the triad.

Earth, sky, and water.

You look so tired, Barnaby.

Perhaps the trip is too long for you.

No, no.

Before the time of the Manchus,

the triad held all south China
in a vise of terror.

Extortion, plunder, murder.

You look so tired, Barnaby.

- Major Harrison?
- Just a moment.

- Good morning, sergeant.
- Good morning, sir.

- Has Barnaby been in to see you this morning?
- No.

Isn't he in his room?

No, he's not.

I'll check out the rest of the house.

I'll get dressed immediately.

Barnaby!

Barnaby!

Barnaby, go back!

His pulse is all right,
it's a little rapid maybe.

Did he say anything, that is,
when he was on the rocks?

No, I don't think so.

But I'd only carried him a little way
when I ran into you.

Where's my uncle?

Well, he's out looking for you, son, why?

- I was on a cliff.
- Yes, that's right.

If Justine hadn't come along,
you'd have gone over.

What were you doing there, Barnaby?

- My uncle took me there.
- What are you talking about?

My uncle took me to the cliff.

He's trying to kill me.

You've gotta help me, sergeant,
my uncle's trying to kill me!

Barnaby!

Did you see anybody on the cliff with him?

You were all alone, Barnaby.

I kept screaming and you kept walking,
there was no one with you.

Then he did something
that made me go there.

Last thing I remember...

We were on a path and he gave me
the badge of the triad.

The what?

The triad, it's the world's oldest
criminal society.

Where's the badge now, Barnaby?

He must've taken it back.

He... he came in
just after it started getting light.

He was wearing a beret
and a soldier's jacket.

He said not to wake anybody,
that the hotel was off limits.

- Was he dressed like this, Barnaby?
- Yeah, just like that.

Barnaby.

That picture was taken 24 years ago.

You don't believe me.

- I tell you, my uncle's trying to kill me.
- Barnaby, he was here.

I had to wake him up to help me find you.

- Sergeant, don't leave the island today.
- Look, Barnaby, I've got a job to go back to.

Please, please,
even if you don't believe a word I say.

Stay around a while longer.

Please, don't leave the island.

I think that's an excellent
suggestion, Barnaby.

Where on earth were you, son?

Would you like to stay on, sergeant?

Your chief and I had a lot of fun working
behind the German lines a couple of wars ago.

He hasn't forgotten a minute of it.

And I think that if he was kind enough
to let you bring Barnaby out here,

he'd be willing to let you get a couple
of days fishing in, for old time's sake.

Well, that's very kind
of you to offer, major.

I'm sure that nothing would please
Barnaby or myself,

and perhaps Justine, more.

Eh, Barnaby?

How was your nap?

You gave us quite a shock, you know?

You're not very communicative, Barnaby,

considering the fact that I've persuaded
your sergeant to stay on.

He says you were rather vague
in explaining your morning stroll.

But perhaps he was trying
not to hurt my feelings.

I imagine you told him some wild story
of me leading you off to see the shark.

Then it wasn't a dream.

Put me down!

Put me down, let go!

Come on, Barnaby, you're
safe under my roof.

You're putting on weight.

You did try to kill me.

What an awful thing to
say about your uncle.

I would've managed it, too,

if it hadn't been for that fool girl
coming along screaming, "Barnaby!"

Breaking that lovely spell.

- You hypnotized me.
- And gave you some simple instructions.

Wait 15 minutes, 20 paces along the path,

20 paces to your left,
you were doing so beautifully.

Another 20 seconds
you would've been over the cliff,

but I give you my word
that you're safe here.

You can think of this house as Switzerland.

- Switzerland?
- A neutral country.

I can't let anything happen to you
while we're alone together in this house.

I'd never convince anybody
that it was an accident.

And that's what your death
must seem, an accident.

You're crazy.

Do you know that, you're crazy.

Madness and sanity are matters of degree.

But it is a simple fact that I am broke.

You're a charming child, Barnaby,

but five million dollars
charming you are not.

Ah, you're afraid of this.

Well, I’ll put it away for a moment
and perhaps find something else.

What's that?

Very useful if you're crawling down
a sewer in Paris.

And the hun's just around the corner.

He pops his head out to take a look...

And don't do it again!

Puts out the light.

I can get so much accomplished,

but not on neutral ground, eh?

- Let's eat, I'm hungry.
- I'm not hungry.

Now, now, Barnaby.

Won't get anything done
on an empty stomach.

There we go.

- The first thing I learned in MI6...
- I don't want to hear about the MI6.

And I wouldn't eat anything you cook,
you'd probably poison me.

Nonsense, there's nothing a matter
with the food... in Switzerland.

Steak tartare.

Try to think of it as a
kind of game, Barnaby.

A game?

Yes, exactly.

For perfectly understandable reasons,
I would like something to happen to you.

For equally understandable reasons,
you would prefer that it did not.

Well.

That's the game.

What's going to happen?

Who's going to win?

That's the fun of it, so to speak.

What chance do I have?

Well, let's analyze the
situation, shall we?

Memorize the rules of the game.

Now, you're safe in this house.

It's a very large island
and you're safe almost anywhere

as long as you're
with sergeant Travis or Justine.

Oh, yes, Barnaby, two accidental deaths
would serve me as well as one.

No, you leave chrissie alone.

She's a charming child, too.

Where were we?

Ah, yes.

Well, you've got the safe
house going for you,

the sergeant, and your death
must be an accident,

which deprives me of guns, knives,
piano wire, et cetera.

Now the situation doesn't
look so bleak, does it?

And you were lucky this morning.

Never discount the stroke of fortune.

I might die of a heart attack.

Do you have a bad heart?

Ah, that's better!

You're playing the game!

Just charmed at the thought of old uncle
dropping over of the coronary, aren't you?

- Yeah!
- Sorry, I'm in excellent health.

But look for the breaks, Barnaby,
the unexpected turn of events.

The victory snatched
from the jaws of defeat.

I shouldn't be helping you like this,

but you are my only nephew
and a Harrison.

You haven't touched your food.

Extraordinary boy.

No mind, I'll put a chef's
hat on for you tonight.

How about some steak, mushrooms,
and a very special little sauce of mine?

Excuse me.

Going out?

Remember the rules of the game, Barnaby.

I wouldn't forget them for a moment,
if I were you.

You'll get a sunstroke like that.

You should have some kind
of hat or something.

Here, take mine.

- My father says...
- I don't wanna hear what your father says.

And you'd better get outta here.

You don't own the island.

All right, then I'll go.

Hey, where are you going?

Gotta get off the island
before I get murdered.

Oh, Barnaby.

Maybe I can find a boat or something
along the beach.

And you'd better stay away from me.

Don't you understand, chrissie?

If my uncle finds us alone together,
he'll get rid of both of us!

You've got to stop telling
these awful lies.

I heard sergeant Travis
and my aunt talking.

People are gonna think
there's something peculiar about you!

There's nothing peculiar about me
and they aren't awful lies.

Oh, forget it.

Besides...

Why would your uncle wanna kill me?

Look, stupid, if anything happens to us
and it looks like an accident,

he gets his hands on five million.

Five million dollars?

He just said it.

"You're a charming child, Barnaby,

but five million dollars
charming you're not."

Why don't you tell that to sergeant Travis?

He wouldn't believe me.

Neither would your aunt,
nobody believes me.

Nothing will happen to you
if you stay away from me,

so goodbye, chrissie.

Barnaby.

I believe you.

Really, chrissie?

You really believe me?

I really do.

Oh, gee, that's great!

What's the matter?

I've still gotta find a boat or something.

Barnaby, listen, even if you did
find a boat and got away,

if the sharks didn't get you, he'd just
come after you and put you in custody!

But I just can't stand here
and wait for him to get at me!

Barnaby, your uncle's
trying to kill you, right?

Well, let's kill uncle first!

Chrissie?

That's a marvelous idea!

Why didn't I think of it before?

You didn't think of it, I did.

That's right.

How will we do it?

Doesn't the sergeant have a gun?

Yeah, but I gave him my word
I wouldn't touch it.

Not even to save your life?

I can't break my word!

Besides, the gun's in Switzerland.

Where?

In the house, it's there.

And uncle's probably fixing my dinner now.

It just stinks that he invited me over.

Why would he do that?

He likes to do things like that.

It's fun for him.

You know, over the cliff in the morning,

steak and mushrooms at night.

Mushrooms.

And I don't even like 'em.

Good, then he won't expect you to eat 'em!

What are you talking about?

Barnaby, don't you see?

This whole island is
just covered with toadstools!

There must be thousands of 'em,
all poisonous!

That's brilliant!

For a girl, anyway, it's just brilliant!

Come on, let's go pick 'em, okay?

- Yeah!
- Come on.

Steaks are coming along splendidly.

Chrissie, would you do the honors
with the salad, please?

I sure will, major.

Oh, call me uncle Kevin.

Uncle Kevin.

Thank you.

Will you light the
candles, please, Barnaby?

Right, sir.

- Barnaby, you're very quiet tonight.
- Oh, no.

What in heaven's name?

Oh.

Barnaby, you really must be
more careful with matches.

I'm sorry, uncle Kevin, I really am.

That's all right.

We won't let it spoil our dinner.

But you must remember,
the island's an absolute tinderbox

at this time of the year.

Now, pray, be seated
and we'll enjoy the steaks.

Chrissie.

Barnaby.

Uncle Kevin.

- Now, here we go, Barnaby.
- No, thank you.

I don't care for any.

Of course, I've forgotten.

- Chrissie?
- Oh, no, thank you.

Oh, come.

I'm famous for my mushrooms in sauce.

I'm sure they're delicious,

but I'm just not used to rich foods.

How simple, how direct.

I told you she was charming,
didn't I, Barnaby?

Well, I'm not going to
let them go to waste.

I'm going to eat every last one of them.

What do you think of that?

My father doesn't believe
in wasting food either.

Sensible fellow.

All right, troops, how
we move in to attack.

- Right?
- Right, sir.

Oh, Barnaby, I was going
through your closet this afternoon.

Some of your shoes are
rather badly run over

and several of your shirt
collars are frayed.

I'm flying over to the mainland
the day after tomorrow.

I'll get something for you.

That's very thoughtful of you, uncle Kevin.

Not at all.

What on earth's the matter with you two?

You're staring at me as if you've never
seen anyone eat before.

Eat, children.

Eat.

Barnaby's father died
in an automobile crash alone in his car.

He apparently lost control,
it rolled over a couple of times,

and then it burst into flame.

Now that's not the most difficult
kind of death to stage.

Well, is there anything to indicate
it wasn't an accident?

No.

But then the most successful murders
always go down in the books as accidents.

And having a policeman on this island
to verify a second accident, very useful.

Did... did chrissie say anything

when she came back
from playing with Barnaby?

Nothing special.

Except that she seemed kind of excited
about going to the major's for dinner.

She didn't seem frightened?

No.

She had fun dressing up, I fixed her hair.

Now, let me ask you something.

If we were to walk over there right now,

do you think we'd find two kids
being chased around by a monster?

Or three ordinary people
just finishing dinner?

Haven't been this successful
with my mushroom sauce for years.

Must be your presence, chrissie,
inspiration to the chef.

Oh, I left my bag with my coat
in Barnaby's closet.

Will you excuse me a moment
while I get a handkerchief?

- Of course, dear child.
- Thank you.

Now, Barnaby, I let you get away
with skipping breakfast,

but you must eat your dinner.

All right.

What would sergeant Travis and Justine say
if old uncle didn't feed you two properly?

What's the matter, uncle Kevin?

Barnaby.

You wouldn't.

Not... not in Switzerland.

Barnaby.

Poisonous toadstools
do resemble mushrooms, dear children.

I see you've been teaching
chrissie the game.

And very well, too!

I'm quite pleased with you both.

Now, help your uncle up.

And we'll have our ice cream.

There's nothing like a short nap
in the early afternoon.

Oh, wading through that, eh?

Mm-hmm. You've had quite an exciting life.

Don't believe everything you read.

Oh, Barnaby!

Thank you for changing the tablecloth,
I had forgotten all about it.

Did you put the burned one in the trash?

Yes, sir.

Oh, it caught fire last night
when I was lighting some candles.

The only reason I made
such a fuss about it at the time, Barnaby,

is that we can't be too careful
at this time of the year.

We're long overdue for rain, but until
we get it, we can't play with fire.

Well, sergeant, what do you say
we dig up the ketchman and his catch

and see if they're biting?

All right, sounds fine.

- Barnaby?
- Sure, sergeant.

- I'll just go get some sunglasses.
- Mm-hmm.

Been talking to chrissie, my boy?

No.

I was almost afraid to close my eyes
and take my afternoon nap!

I'll bet you were.

Barnaby, where's my gun?

I don't know, in the drawer.

I just looked in the
drawer, it's not there.

What about it, Barnaby?

I didn't take it.

- You broke your word.
- I wouldn't.

You didn't keep it.

I tell you, sergeant,
I wouldn't go near the drawer!

If anybody took it, he took it.

Why should I take it, Barnaby?

To kill me and make it
look like an accident,

like I'd been playing around
with the gun again and it went off.

You say "again."

I didn't know you'd been playing around
with a gun before!

Mine, it was just after we got here.

And I was so sure he'd keep his word.

I'd almost forgotten it.

If I needed a gun, I wouldn't need
to steal the sergeant's.

This is very serious, Barnaby.

Where is the sergeant's gun?

I don't know!

I didn't take it!

I don't know... look, you can
search my room, you can search me!

What are these for, son?

I didn't!

I didn't put 'em there!

And I didn't take your gun!

I don't know how they got there,
I didn't, I didn't!

I don't know how they got there!

Barnaby?

You're late.

I had to wait till aunt
Justine got to sleep.

You didn't say anything to her
about last night?

No, I promised you I wouldn't.

Just remember, we don't say anything
about what we're doing

or what uncle does to any grown-ups
until we get rid of him.

Okay.

Okay, now let's start looking.

Start looking? For what?

Tarantulas!

Your aunt said this place
was loaded with them!

Barnaby, you don't need a tarantula!

What do you mean I don't?

He got the sergeant's gun today!

Barnaby, I took the sergeant's gun!

Last night when it looked like
the toadstools weren't gonna work.

You took the gun?

- Uh-huh!
- You stupid idiot!

What did you do a crazy
thing like that for?

- I did it for you, Barnaby!
- For me?

It's not bad enough
the sergeant thinks I'm a liar,

now he thinks I'm a rotten little thief!

Oh, I'm sorry, Barnaby.

I was just trying to help.

Where did you put it?

Under aunt Justine's house.

Well, forget about it for now.

Concentrate on finding tarantulas.

Well, personally, I don't see
how we're gonna even find one tarantula

in the middle of the night.

Don't let it bite you, Barnaby!

Got him!

Chrissie, let's get out of here!

Oh!

Quick, Barnaby, this way!

Chrissie, let's get out of here!

- It's raining!
- It's raining!

Terrific, chrissie, it's raining!

The fire is gonna go out!
We're gonna be safe!

It's raining! It's raining!

Oh, we're safe! We're gonna be safe!

Oh, Barnaby! Look, it's raining!

It would rain.

The little bugger, got out of the jar.

I must've knocked it over in my sleep.

Really is too bad,
I got him especially for Barnaby.

I thought he might like to study him.

Thanks, Travis.

You know, he might've killed you.

Not with you around, sergeant.

♪ oh Shenandoah, I long to hear you ♪

♪ away, I'm bound away ♪

♪ 'cross the wide Missouri ♪

Oh, good morning, sergeant Travis!

Good morning, chrissie.

- Morning, Justine.
- Hi.

- Am I late?
- No, you're right on time.

Where's Barnaby?

Oh, Barnaby's not coming with us today.

- Why not?
- Well, the major thought,

since he needed shoes and shirts,
he might as well go with him.

That way they can get the right sizes
and he can pick out what he likes.

- Barnaby's on the plane?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, no!

Nasty looking tarantula
the sergeant knocked off my pillow.

- Good heavens.
- What's the matter?

Fuel tank's empty.

You've been very busy today, Barnaby.

I didn't touch your plane!

I didn't go anywhere near it!

Here we go, Barnaby.

What happened?

One of the features of the plane
is a range tank full of extra gas.

I simply switched it on.

You mean you put me through all that?

I wouldn't have put you through anything
if you'd left the plane alone.

I haven't touched your plane!

I just told you that!

I believe you, Barnaby.

I would've had to drag you aboard
if you had, wouldn't I?

That's right.

Then who?

Chrissie?

Yes, chrissie, of course.

How charming.

Did she take the sergeant's gun, too?

Oh, I shan't feel so bad
about what happens to her now.

I told you to leave her alone.

I tried!

But you brought her into the game.

As long as you're both on the island,
you haven't a chance.

One rule of the game I didn't tell you:

Uncle always wins.

You've had a busy day.

You get some sleep.

Yeah, goodnight, aunt Justine.

Goodnight.

- Aunt Justine?
- Yes?

I'm glad Barnaby stayed overnight.

I.

- Goodnight.
- Night.

You're very quiet tonight, Barnaby,
especially for you.

I have a lot on my mind.

You're very beautiful, aunt Justine.

Thank you, Barnaby.

Are you going to marry sergeant Travis?

No.

I'm gonna wait till you grow up
and marry you.

I'll see you tomorrow.

- Night.
- Goodnight.

Bye, chrissie.

Ketchman?

Ketchman, are you here?

Will you take me off the
island on your boat?

I'll pay you!

Ketchman?

No, no, it's me, chrissie!

Of all the crazy things
to do, coming up here.

You're going so that nothing will happen
to me, aren't you?

I am not.

That's very brave of you, Barnaby.

It's the ketchman!

Ketchman?

Ketchman, are you here?

Oh, Barnaby!

No use, Barnaby, I locked it!

I can see you!!

But you can't see me!

Maybe the ketchman can help you.

Maybe he has another key.

Chrissie, run! Run!

You didn't ask him for
the other key, Barnaby!

Why not?

You're trembling, Barnaby.

You had better come and sit down there.

You've been a naughty boy for coming here.

I'll have to take away your new shoes.

He bothers you, doesn't he?

Better?

Now the left one.

Poor old ketchman.

He was so excited about
getting the shark into the pool.

You put the shark in the pool?

Well, there was a chance that you might
accidentally fall in before I got here!

Would've saved me the trip!

But we've had a lot of fun,
haven't we, Barnaby?

It was worth it.

Remember the present I gave you?

The badge of the triad,

with the three symbols
of earth, sky, and water?

Look at it, Barnaby.

Look at it.

See how it shines in the dark?

See how it spins around and around
and around and around?

No.

No, please, no.

We'll have to go and get
Chrissie's shoes now, won't we?

No! No, no, no, no!

You can stop pretending now, ketchman.

Frank, are the kids here?

No.

I woke up a few minutes ago
and went in to check them and they're gone!

And I found this on the living room table.

I don't know where it came from.

Wait a minute.

The major's not in his room.

What would he want with a couple
of pair of shoes, anyway?

Mine has a hole right to the sole!

Probably so that we can't run as fast
when he tries to kill us.

That's silly, I can run twice as fast
in my bare feet!

What difference does it make, chrissie?

He's gonna kill us!

With shoes or without shoes.

Barnaby, I'm scared.

He tried to hypnotize me again.

His eyes were just awful.

Chrissie, when he finds
us, keep talking to me.

Say anything, but talk
to me, and don't stop!

- Why?
- I don't know, but do it, please!

Okay.

Oh, Barnaby? Chrissie?

Barnaby.

Uncle's here.

- I've come for you and chrissie.
- Talk to me, chrissie.

Talk to me.

What do I say?

Tell me about your mother, your father,
the trailer court where you used to live.

I see you, but you don't see me, do you?

I'm hiding behind a door.

But there are so many doors,
you don't know which one, do you?

Talk, chrissie.

Talk!

We live in a trailer court.

There are always a lot of people around.

It used to bother my mother.

She says, "what's the point in living in a
trailer if you never go anywhere with it?"

Your eyes are getting heavy.

Very heavy, Barnaby.

My mother and father
don't live together anymore.

It was a question of temperament.

- What's "temperament," chrissie?
- You're so tired, Barnaby.

- So tired.
- Temperament!

A question of temperament?
I don't know either.

But that's what my father told the lady
who owns the trailer court,

my stepmother now.

- Sleep, sleep.
- Don't sleep, Barnaby, please don't sleep!

You're almost asleep now.

When did your father marry the woman
who owns the trailer court?

Eight days ago.

Don't sleep, Barnaby!

Lightning hit the trailer court once,
scared me and the sitter.

And where was the child's mother?

Out dancing.

That's what my father said.

My father was very mad at my mother
when he came home from work.

- Argue with me, please!
- It was naughty of you both.

How thoughtful of you, chrissie,
to come here to be with Barnaby.

- I shall miss you.
- Wake up, Barnaby!

- Don't sleep, Barnaby, please don't sleep.
- Close your eyes and go to sleep.

Talk to me, Barnaby, argue with me, please!

I guess your mother got
bored with your father.

You have no right to talk
about my father that way!

Listen to Mel - he works hard!

Did she think that shoes for
the child grow on bars?

- Sleep, Barnaby, listen to me.
- Who's the child?

Me, me, stupid, I'm the
child, I'm the child!

Wake up, Barnaby, please,
don't sleep, Barnaby!

Wake up, Barnaby, please, please!

Wake up, Barnaby!

Barnaby, wake up, please!

Barnaby! Barnaby!

- Barnaby!
- Sound asleep now, Barnaby.

Sound asleep.

And you can't move.

You can't move until I tell you.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

Your little shoes have to be found

at the water's edge of death beach
in the morning

where you went swimming, even though
you were warned about the sharks.

Your little bodies will never be found.

And now, Barnaby,
when I count three, you will awaken.

You will not see me or chrissie.

It'll be a beautiful day and very hot,

and the water in the pool outside
looks so inviting.

It's cool and you will go swimming.

One, two, three.

Help! Help!

And now, chrissie, it's your turn.

When I count three,
you will awaken, you will see me,

but you will no longer be afraid.

We're great friends!

You really like uncle!

It's a beautiful day,
Barnaby's swimming in the pool,

you will join him.

One, two, three.

Hello, uncle Kevin!

What are you doing here?

Isn't it a beautiful day?

Lovely, my dear.

Barnaby's swimming in the pool.

Yes, I know, I'm going to join him.

Won't you come and have a swim
with us, uncle Kevin?

Later, dear. I'll just watch.

You run along now.

Isn't the water beautiful, uncle Kevin?

Crystal clear, my dear!

Barnaby!

Oh, Barnaby!

Barnaby's swimming underwater, chrissie.

Can you do that, swim underwater?

Go on, Barnaby's waiting!

- Chrissie!
- Ahh!

You're playing the game!

You shouldn't trust your old uncle!

Couldn't we call it a draw?

But uncle always wins!

Barnaby? Barnaby!

- Very well, it's a tie.
- Chrissie!

but I hope that our game
has taught you just a little

of how this world goes, Barnaby.

- Barnaby?
- No need to cause alarm to the others.

Here's the key.

Goodbye, Barnaby.

Take care of yourself.

Bye, chrissie.

No need to show me out.

Didn't he put you to sleep?

How could he with all your talking?

- I was just pretending.
- Barnaby!

Barnaby! Chrissie!

- They're not here.
- But they've gotta be here.

- We've looked everywhere else.
- Aunt Justine!

Aunt Justine!

- we're all right!
- We're over here!

Coming out!

- Sergeant Travis!
- You sure you're all right, Barnaby?

- Positively, sir!
- Wait till I tell you what Barnaby did.

- You'll be so proud of him.
- Shut up, stupid!

You talk too much, even for a girl.

Let me tell 'em what happened.

Don't you dare talk to me that way
after all I've done for you.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

I'll miss you, uncle Kevin.

I really will.