Original subtitles

["Just What I Needed" by The Cars playing]

♪♪ I don't mind you coming here ♪

♪♪ Wasting all my time... ♪

Mirror! Why? Why?

God. Fucking buttons.

♪♪ And talking in your sleep ♪

♪♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪

[Evan] Siri, text Malcolm.

Hey, Malcolm, comma,

I'm at this fun teacher's conference thing in Dallas,

comma, you should come. Period.

I have a hotel room with a view of, like,

the parking lot, LOL. Period.

Obviously, we can have sex and stuff, too. Period."

Hi. Yo!

- Hey. - Dallas Teachers

and Learning Conference. - [laughs] Hey.

- [Markie] Coming in. - [Evan] Yeah.

- Most fun weekend of the year. - Coming in.

Free hotel,

free continental breakfast,

everybody saying teachers are the real heroes.

You want to meet a real hero, get rescued by the SWAT team.

How would I get in a situation where I'd have

to get rescued by the SWAT team?

Yeah, right? Why do we need to learn...

- I'd have to drive my car off a bridge? - Right.

What does the SWAT team do? They kill people?

- What do they do? - Oh, there he is!

You excited for your speech tomorrow?

- [Grant] I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. - [overlapping chatter]

- The speech! - [Gwen] Oh, God.

His big speech.

[quietly] It is so bad.

He has jokes in there...

that are so not funny. Look at this.

"Arnold Schwarzenegger voice: I'll teach math." Oh, my God.

[Gwen] And it says, "hold for ha, ha, ha."

We need to do some punch-ups.

[speaker] Hello, everyone.

It's been a very hard start to the year,

in fiscal terms.

And I'll be blunt.

When it comes to the teacher's pension fund,

we're approaching what I would generously call

a worst-case scenario.

Damn, girl.

Thank God I don't have to worry about that pension shit.

I got my money doing other things,

if you know what I mean.

You know you still have a pension.

It happens automatically.

Shut up, dude.

[speaker 2] Post-COVID, 20 to 25% of students

are, in a sense, hopeless.

[scoffs] Oof.

So, yes, we are starting to encourage teachers

to get a second full-time job.

A second full-time job?

Teachers can now be sued by their students,

- and here's why that's bad. - Damn.

Students are striking teachers,

either with their fists or blunt objects, 30%...

Is it all bad news this year?

- Man, I wish. - There's a fucking viral video

of one of these kids beating my ass.

This is so depressing.

I feel like teaching is just over.

Did we choose a dying profession?

No, I think a dying profession chose us.

[Rick] Hey, hey! Yo, you guys got to meet Mitch.

Get this, he might be our new coworker soon.

He likes football.

- Oh, exciting. - Oh, cool.

Mitch. Mitch. Good to meet you.

Nice to meet you. That's so exciting.

What'd you interview for?

For new P.E. teacher and athletic director.

The new P.E. teacher?

Yeah, I met with, um, Grant, uh, Mariachi?

- Grant Moretti. - Principal Moretti. - [Mitch] Grant Moretti. Yeah.

It went really well. [chuckles]

Wait, but did you interview to

be an-an additional P.E. teacher

or to replace the one that's there?

Replacement. Replacement.

[Markie] Arms up. Right in the middle.

Right? Now you got the ball, right?

- No. - We got to-- Take-take our spots in line.

Uh, sick. Told you these guys rock.

- Beer or tequila? Yes! - Both.

- So insane. - So sad.

- I really hope this is not the case. - Grant.

- Oh, fuck. - [knocking on door]

- Yes? - [Evan] Hey.

Are you firing Markie?

- That's complex. - [Evan] Wait.

You're already in a robe?

Yes. Yes. When I check into a hotel,

I get into my robe immediately.

It's one of life's little pleasures.

Plus, I got the room upgrade,

so there's a steam shower in there.

- Thank you. - Wait, are you firing Markie or not?

[sighs]

You know what? There are certain things that my job

requires me to do that I might not necessarily want to do.

- You're firing Markie. - Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

Oh, God. Gwendolyn,

Evan, let's not make this any more complicated

than it already is, all right? The end.

Now, can you leave me alone, please?

Wait. Uh, we had a couple thoughts about your speech.

Oh. All right, what are those thoughts?

Some of the jokes are bad

- or not hitting. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not doing this right now. No, thank you.

- But if we just helped you just a little bit? - I'm having robe time.

We'll talk about this at dinner. Goodbye.

What do you think happens during robe time?

Probably watches Extra with Mario Lopez.

[Evan] Grant was acting

- so weird. - I know. He's acting

- like he's hiding a hooker. - Evan?

- Oh, my God, Pasha! - Holy shit.

Dude, how are you?

Talk about a blast from the past.

- [laughs] - This is Pasha.

This is one of my best friends from college.

- Hi. What's up? - [Pasha] Hey. Nice to meet you.

- [Evan] Dude. - You're here with what? Sourcely?

Yeah, we, uh, we bang off, like ten of these things a year.

- [chuckles] - Whoa.

What does, uh, Sourcely do?

There's, like, a giant market

for unused grid power, and so what we do

is corporate-side energy arbitrage.

- Mm. Yeah, yeah. - So, we work with, like,

municipalities, commercial real estate,

even some residential.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Yeah. Five to seven years,

someone's gonna come out on top of this sector.

Might as well be us.

- Exactly. [laughs] Yeah. - [Gwen] Exactly, yeah.

[clears throat]

Wait, wait, is this wifey?

[laughs] No. I'm still gay. This is Gwen,

- my best friend. - [Pasha and Gwen laugh]

Well, you haven't converted him yet.

- [both laugh] - I'm trying.

I'm trying to get him in the sack.

Oh, I love that.

Yeah. We work together.

We're, um, we're-we're teachers.

- Oh, nice. - [Gwen] We're teachers.

[Pasha] Teachers. Wow.

Yeah, I got to say, you guys are the real heroes.

- [chuckles] - Thank you.

Hey, listen, I got to peace out, but let's link tonight.

Yeah, let's hang out.

You guys want some swag bags?

- [Gwen] Hell yeah. - [Evan] Really?

God, I love swag bags.

- We don't get swag bags. - Oh, my God.

All right, cool. Well, listen, I'll message you,

and we'll-we'll hang tonight, probably.

Yeah, yeah, let's let it rip.

Wow.

I can't picture you guys being friends.

He's so business-y.

He does this thing when he's drunk.

He just shows you his dick,

- and it's like... - Oh, you love that.

If you decrease the amount of education being administered,

you'll also be decreasing burnout.

And isn't that, after all, what we're all

trying to do?

How often do you go up to Grant

and, like, tell him that you appreciate him as a boss?

Why?

Good vibes, job security, whatever.

Grant would never have the balls to fire me. Dude's a coward.

You remember the chem teacher, Mrs. Davison?

She missed, like, three months last year. Kept her job.

She was on maternity leave.

[Rick] Have you guys seen her baby?

It's so tall, freaks me out.

I had to block her on Instagram.

It looks like Slender Man.

And now, I'll take any questions you may have

about student burnout.

What is going on?

These seminars are bumming me out, man.

Mmm. This chicken piccata is flames. Phew.

Might have to order another. Hey, papi.

You're gonna get another one? You shouldn't even eat that one.

It looks undercooked.

I asked for it that way.

Chicken's like salmon, you want the pink part

- to be room temp, hon. - Okay, hon.

Grant, these jokes. "Teachers lounge:

yeah, they sure do"? What?

[Gwen] That's in there, like, four times.

It's called a callback.

Call back that joke.

Evan, Gwendolyn, I know my audience.

I know what I'm doing.

Well, if you don't want to rework the jokes,

maybe we can just cut them.

It doesn't have to be, like, a comedy speech.

No. He doesn't have to lose the jokes

if he's willing to lose the entire speech.

This is, like, a page one rewrite, at best.

- Markie. - I mean, he means, like,

yeah, there's still time to polish it.

They're saying it can be good. It has potential to be good.

[Markie] Yeah, polish this part about how you

-"love driving through car washes." - Mm-hmm.

What does that have to do with being a principal?

I get, I get to it at the end.

Just read on, read on.

I mean, this reads like you can't read.

- [whispers] Markie. - [Markie] Like you assigned

a bunch of kids in detention to write it for you.

Wait.

My cousin created his own version of ChatGPT

to write a more fucked-up version of Breaking Bad, dude.

You can use that for your speech.

That's it. I'm--

- I'm done eating, thank you very much. - [scoffs]

- Thank you very much. - Grant.

I mean, what's he gonna do? Fire me?

[Markie chuckles]

[sighs]

Oh, my God.

[groans]

- Hey, queen. - [screams] Oh, my God.

- What's up? - Whoa, Malcolm.

- Hi. - Oh, my God. I forgot I invited you.

- [scoffs] Okay, thank you. - Hi.

Sorry. I'm, like, exhausted.

We had this crazy day where we were, like,

we were at all these seminars and, like,

every seminar is like, "This is why teaching

is worse than it's ever been," and, "Here's how to deal

with your students hitting you."

And it was like, "Oh, my God."

- Oh, no. - What?

I came here to fuck and order room service.

I drove, like, three hours, and now you're

talking about "Am I living the life I'm supposed to live?"

Like... [groans]

No, but I'm serious. Like...

Just talk to me for a second, okay?

Do you really think I should be a teacher?

Like, is it worth it?

Am I like that guy pushing the boulder up the hill?

- What's his name? - Robert?

Question eight. Name the five types

of proteins available on the Chipotle menu.

- Okay, lamb-- - Immediately no.

What was the question to number three? 'Cause we wrote

"James Madison," and then we crossed it out

and put "Run-DMC." That can't be right.

You should come down to the batting cages, man.

I know the guy there.

He'll let me unplug the machine. I can just...

And then I would just... [clicking tongue]

[Markie] Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Socking dingers all day!

This is so crazy. He's, like, talking to his replacement,

and he doesn't even know.

Oh, my God. We have to do something about it.

He's gonna figure this out later and be like,

"You guys didn't tell me?"

I don't want to be the one to tell him.

[Gwen] Well, me neither.

I feel like that's kind of a job for Grant,

if we're gonna be honest 'cause

- he's the principal. - He's the principal.

Okay, good. It was good

working through that with you.

- [Polly] Next question... - [phone whooshes]

[Gwen] Who are you texting?

That guy Pasha.

Pasha? Who's that?

You know that company Sourcely he works for?

- [Gwen and Rick] Yeah. - They're doing some huge party.

Look, light-up dance floor.

- Oh, my God. We're-- - I think I'm gonna sneak out and go.

- You guys stay here. - Yeah, we'll come with you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Let's go. A little party. - I would love, I would love to.

This trivia's impossible.

Your mom still in the picture?

We don't talk much, you know? But...

Markie, we're going to a party. Come with us.

Hoes before bros.

[both laugh]

I'm so glad we met.

[grunts] I'm gonna text you.

All right, later, losers.

We're gonna party with rich people. [laughs]

♪♪ You've got the touch ♪

♪♪ Of love... ♪

[laughs] Ring-a-ding-ding. There he is.

- The king has arrived. - [both laugh]

Uh, hey, Dan, Eileen, come over here. Meet my boy Evan.

- What's up, man? Dan. - [Pasha] This guy was such

a legend back in college.

Yeah, let me tell you, when Spring Fling got cancelled,

he single-handedly found this sick-ass warehouse

and convinced Passion Pit to perform for free.

- Passion Pit? - Yeah, that was crazy.

I can't believe they slept on my nasty couch.

Damn, that couch sounds nasty.

Yuck.

This is Rick, guys, sorry, we work together.

I just want to say that

I-I indubitably love what you guys are doing

in terms of solar and those such things.

- Wow. Well, uh... - [Dan] Thank you.

Indub-Indubitably thank you.

[all laugh]

Yeah, but what you guys do, honestly, like,

teaching and shit, I mean, that is so noble.

- [Dan] So freaking noble. - [Pasha] You know, you know,

we need bad-ass educators like you

to teach the next gen how to think critically

because there's so much dis-info out there.

- Preach. - Preach!

Oh, thanks. Yeah, I-I mostly,

I feel like my job

is just telling kids to put their phones away.

[laughter]

Whereas, I, um,

am more... that's... School stuff is a side hustle.

- I'm more of a-a successful business consultant. - Oh.

- You want to go grab a drink? - Oh, yeah. Let's do it.

- I'm empty. - [Dan] Tell me a little more

about this, uh, business card.

"Businessman extraordinaire, CEO."

You put "bitch" on there.

Yeah, we keep it weird in Austin. [laughs]

Do you guys ever go to The Moth?

♪ ♪

I got four dogs, four dog walkers.

- Wow. - Plus, my boss

lets me work at home a ton.

My new home office is sick.

You bought a house?

Yeah, I bought it last fall, in cash.

- [laughs] - [sighs] The dream, man.

I haven't even

been able to think about buying a house, honestly.

Can barely get enough money scraped up

to even put anything in my savings.

Everybody's always judging capitalism,

and it's like, well, what are you gonna do? Die poor?

No. It's disgusting. You know,

we need good people at Sourcely.

[laughs] That's so nice. Thanks.

No, I don't... I mean,

I wouldn't know anything about solar...

uh, municipal arbit-- What is it? Arbitration?

[laughs] Arbitrage. Yeah, who cares?

All you have to do is know about people,

and you know people.

You just say the word,

and we can start having this conversation for real.

[Rick] We need to get one of these tubs at the school.

Can't afford pencils, Rick. We're not gonna get a hot tub.

Duh, can't afford pencils.

[laughs]

What's up with you? You good?

I don't know. [laughs]

You guys ever think about what your life would be like

if you did something completely different for work?

- Dude, yes. - [Grant] Oh, go to one

fancy party, and all of a sudden,

you're questioning your whole life, huh?

It's all fool's gold, boys.

Fool's gold is still gold.

What would you do if you suddenly had, like,

a ton of free time?

Like, so much.

Probably get back into fighting shape.

- That's cool. - [Markie] Yeah.

- Why? - [Gwen] No reason.

Will you come over here? I feel like I'm shouting at you.

I'm in. No, I'm in. This is-- I'm fine.

What are you, afraid? Can't swim?

[laughs] Who told you that?

What?

I can't swim.

Oh, wait, no, I was kidding. Are you serious?

It's not something I'm proud of, okay?

Wait, but you coach the swim team.

I know. I-- It's like it's a different skillset entirely,

all right? It's-- You don't see Belichick out there

running...

routes and wearing pads

and whatnot. Look...

It would mean a lot

if you just kept this between us.

- Yeah, of course. - Okay. Thank you.

Maybe I can teach you

once Nick finishes building the pool at our house.

I would love that.

Do you think it's normal for, like, an unemployed man

to be spending all of his time digging a pool by hand?

What does normal even mean these days?

I don't think it's normal at all.

Sorry, I've never said that out loud,

- so just don't... - No, no, no, hey.

...like, tell anybody that I said that.

You could tell me pretty much anything at this point.

I'm a vault.

All I'm saying is there's a reason

you guys ended up in this profession.

The only reason I'm a guidance counselor is...

because, when I was in high school,

my guidance counselor asked what I wanted to do for a living.

I couldn't think of anything,

so I just said, "Guidance counselor."

- Mm. - [Rick] Then I had to go get

my damn master's.

That was four years of my life.

I mean, I don't want to make it seem like I don't love teaching,

like, I love teaching so much.

It's the meaning of my life.

I just feel like...

it's getting harder. Isn't it?

Of course it is.

These kids, they're-they're...

I don't know. COVID did something, man.

- Got everybody dead. - I can't get classes in line.

Kids are making up diseases.

They're hooking up everywhere.

[Grant] You think it'll be any easier

when you are doing anything else?

You'll always be meeting with hurdles,

people you don't like working with.

Remember what's important--

the love of what you do,

the people that surround you,

the people that support you.

Good people make good teachers.

And, Evan, you are good people.

Good people are good teachers!

That's your speech! That's what you should say.

I'm done with your advice.

I'm sticking with the original speech, as written,

and that's final.

- [beeping] - [Rick] All right, y'all,

that's 30 minutes. We got to get out now or we'll die.

Come on!

[singsongy] Wakey-wakey.

- Oh, my God. - Wake up!

- Malcolm. Oh, my God. - It's a beautiful day here in Dallas, Texas.

- We have, uh, clear skies today. - Oh, my God.

- Come on. I have a good itinerary for us today. - It's so early.

We're gonna go to Dealey Plaza

and see where JFK got his shit rocked.

I can't go to Dealey Plaza, Malcolm.

I have to, like, do conference stuff.

I'm at a teachers' conference.

Ew. Why?

What are you talking about?

I'm not on vacation.

This is, like, a work event.

[chuckles] Then why am I here?

Girl, I don't know. Why are you here?

[chuckles]

Are you kidding?

Are you actually kidding?

I did not mean it like that. I just mean, like--

Don't make me feel stupid.

You invited me, remember?

I feel like we've had this conversation,

like, 50 times before.

You can't just, like, do everything your way

all the time. You have to consider me.

Yes, but, Malcolm, that is something

that boyfriends say to each other.

And need I remind you that we are not boyfriends?

And there is a variety of reasons for that.

But remember that there have been many times

when I wanted to get back into this relationship

when you did not want to get back into this relationship.

Okay. Yeah.

Like, one time in random-ass 2022 I rejected you.

So you get to just be an asshole to me forever?

That's how it works? Okay.

Who the fuck is the one that drove here

to Dallas for you?

- I did that. - You know what, this conversation is over, actually,

because we are just gonna be friends now.

We're gonna be friends who do not fuck.

Because I am tired of these confusing,

lovey-dovey, boyfy-boyfy vibes.

"Boyfy-boyfy"? [chuckles] Ew.

Ew. Whatever.

You're right, you're right. But don't expect me

to drive you to urgent care at 3:00 a.m.

because you think you have "full-body cancer."

- I won't, because we're just friends. - Perfect.

- I love that. - [door opens]

Evan, are you tipping the maid?

Oh, hey, Malcolm!

Hey, Gwen.

Why does it feel weird in here?

Are you guys mad at me?

- Ev. [chuckles] What's up, my brother from another mother? - Yo!

- [laughs] - How's it going?

We missed you last night, man.

[sighs] The after-party was insane.

We ended up at this total dive bar that's, like, brand-new.

- Hell yeah. Yeah, this-this brunch is so nice, man. - Right?

Everything is top-notch here. That's not prosecco.

- That's champagne. [chuckles] - Wow.

Seafood towers-- all organic.

Actually, most of that seafood's out of the Indian Ocean.

- So decadent. - Yeah.

Come on, Evan. I mean, you're here, you showed up.

What is this?

Be real. Come on.

You want to work at Sourcely.

I'm-I'm...

- open to it. [chuckles] - You're open?

[chuckles] Fuck yes!

- [laughs] - I'm not-- I'm not committing.

- I'm just saying I'm-I'm open to it. - Okay, well, Evan,

I... [exhales sharply] I am so pumped.

I mean, your whole life is gonna change.

- This is gonna be great. - [Rick] ...tried opening a loan

- with my bank once, but... - Oh, Rick is here.

My Discover Card used to have a picture of a wolf,

but now it has a picture of two horses.

- [laughs] - [Eileen chuckles] - [Pasha] Yeah.

[chuckles] Dan, uh, invited him over to pitch a couple of his...

[clears throat] ...business ideas.

[chuckles] Yeah, it's cool that you're nice to him.

It's obvious he's got a couple screws loose.

- [chuckles] - Oh, you guys are making fun of him?

No, I'm just--

You brought my friend here to make fun of him?

Well... [chuckles] No.

- I-- Pfft. - Are you fucking kidding me?

- Evan, come on. - So, it's basically

like DoorDash, except you're hiring someone

to hang out with your weird and lonely grandma.

- Oh, yeah. Our investment team is gonna love that. - [Evan] Sorry,

what-what is this?

Uh, Rick's pitching us--

Wait, what's it called again?

GrannyGrabber.

[chuckles] Why's it called that?

Because you're grabbing your granny's heart.

[Dan and Eileen laughing]

- [chuckles] What's funny? - [laughing continues]

You guys know Rick has a real fucking job.

He's a college counselor. He helps kids get into college.

What do you guys do here again at "Sourcely"?

Okay, Evan, I already told you, man. Energy arbitrage.

- We find-- - That's not a real thing.

Nobody's ever heard of energy arbitrage.

That's, like, the most conceptual thing

I've ever heard of. That's not a real job.

- We're-we're leaving, Rick. Come on. - Dude, what are you doing to me?

- This is-- - Come on. Come on.

And you act gay when you're drunk!

Hey! I'm not done pitching!

Wait. Scuse me. I never actually got to try one of these shrimps.

- I'm gonna just take them. All. - [Pasha] Hey, hey, Evan!

Hey, come on, man! We shipped those clams in!

[elevator bell dings]

Rick, I want you to know you're cooler than all those people.

Yeah. No shit.

That's the most obvious shit ever.

[speaker] Let's give a warm welcome to one of our keynote speakers.

From Morrison-Hensley,

Principal Grant Moretti.

- [whoops] - [applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Hi. Oh, my God, you're in time.

- Seafood tower? - [whispers] Yeah.

- Don't worry about it. - [Grant] I recall a-a...

a story, having met a very young teacher

from Austria named Arnold.

- [sighs] - And I asked him,

"Uh, what would you want to teach?"

After long, long consideration,

Arnold finally raises his hand and answers...

[à la Schwarzenegger] "I'll teach math."

[laughter]

[clapping]

Now, you may not realize this about me,

but I love to drive through the car wash.

[audience chuckling]

I mean, there's nothing like the freedom

of ten minutes alone in the tunnel of suds.

[laughter]

You guys, he's, like, he's killing it.

I know. He knows his audience.

I knew he would do fine.

Some of the most fulfilling

and the greatest relationships I have

are with the teachers,

who I consider my friends.

Good people make good teachers.

And let's never forget that.

[birds chirping]

- [Gwen whispers] You should say something. - [whispers] You tell him.

Y'all ever see these videos of kids trying, like, lemons

- for the first time? - Hey, Markie?

- Hmm? - [Evan clears throat] We wanted to talk to you about this

concerning thing we heard about your employment at school.

You heard rumors that I'm thinking about leaving Morrison?

Something like that.

In a sense, yeah.

Well, sounds to me like my strategy is working.

- Your strategy? - I never told you guys about this?

- [Evan] No. - Every year, I pretend to quit.

Walk in Grant's office, tell him I got a new job offer.

But... I don't.

And it j-- it just makes him appreciate me more.

[Evan] What?

That's the craziest fucking thing I've ever heard.

The thing is, the poor guy doesn't even realize

how much he's being manipulated.

I got to hit the road, y'all.

I'm-a stop and visit my nana.

Aw! Sweetie!

Yeah, she owes me, like, 400 bucks.

- Later, y'all. - Look, if we leave

within the next ten minutes,

we'll beat the heck out of traffic.

Grant, how much did you pack?

Just everything I need.

[Gwen] Hey, Grant,

don't replace Markie, okay?

'Cause he doesn't have a job offer.

He's messing with you. He's literally lying about it.

Oh, I know that.

- [Evan] You do? - Of course I do.

Every year, he pretends to quit.

So, every year, I pretend to look for his replacement.

It's this little dance we do.

That is so toxic.

We were worried sick all weekend.

- I mean, at least-- - Rick, why are you wearing

all that Sourcely gear?

Those people were making fun of you.

Dude, no.

That's just how we joke around, buddy.

I'm pretty sure they were making fun of you.

Oh, my God, you look like Neo.

I'll see you guys.

Yo, Mitch! What's up, player?

Rick, not too far. We're leaving right now!

You know, that Pasha guy sent me a picture of his ass.

Let me see.

["Just What I Needed" by the Cars playing]

♪♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪

♪♪ Just what I needed ♪

♪♪ I needed someone to feed ♪

- ♪♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪ - ♪♪ Just what I needed ♪

♪♪ I needed someone to bleed ♪

♪♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪♪ So bleed me ♪

♪♪ You're just what I needed ♪

♪♪ You're just what I needed ♪

♪♪ You're just what I needed ♪

♪♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪