Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION AND NICKELODEON

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

A HA HA HA!

THERE, ADD A CARD TO REPRESENT

THE OVERWORKED EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM.

NOW, ADD THE DEAD WEIGHT OF STUDENTS LIKE YOU.

SO, YOU CAN SEE, CHILDREN,

THAT OUR WHOLE SOCIETY IS NOTHING MORE

THAN A PERILOUS HOUSE OF CARDS...

DESTINED TO COLLAPSE UNDER ITS OWN WEIGHT.

DIB, THE WARRANTY ON YOUR DESK HAS RUN OUT.

GET A REPLACEMENT FROM THE PILE.

YES, MA'AM.

WELL, CHILDREN, AS YOU KNOW,

THE DESK BUDGET FOR THIS YEAR HAS RUN OUT.

BUT THE SCHOOL BOARD IS GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO LESSEN YOUR MISERY.

[SQUEAL!]

LIGHTS!

WORD UP, KIDS!

THIS IS POOP DAWG, THE POOP COLA GANGSTA CLOWN

WITH A LITTLE FUND RAISER.

DO YOU WANNA GO MAGNET WITH THE MONEYS?

Kids: YAY!

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

HMM?

THEN JACK THIS BOX OF POOP COLA CANDY.

IT'S THE GREAT TASTE OF POOP COLA

WRAPPED IN A LAYER OF CHOCOLATE BADNESS.

Kids: OOH!

EVERY BAR YOU SELL EARNS MONEY FOR YOUR SCHOOL.

BUT WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU?

PRIZES, PRIZES, PRIZI-ZES!

HMM?

SELL 100 BARS AND YOU'LL WIN A...

[MAN'S VOICE DUBBED OVER] ADHESIVE MEDICAL STRIPS.

SELL 1000, YOU WIN A CRASH HELMET.

SELL 10,000, YOU WIN AN ELECTRO SCOOTER.

AND 500,000, YOU GET A HOVERCRAFT,

[KIDS OOHING AND AAHING] PLUS A HELMET,

PLUS A BOX OF...

Man: ADHESIVE MEDICAL STRIPS.

Kids: YAY! WOW! OOH!

GARBAGE! THAT HOVERCRAFT IS A JOKE OF ENGINEERING

AND THAT HELMET WOULD NEVER PROTECT YOUR BRAIN FROM LASERS.

AND IF YOU ALL THINK YOUZ ALL SOMETHIN' WIT THE TOP SELLIES

AND WIT...

I CAN'T DO THIS.

CUT!

THE TOP PRIZE IS SOMETHING

YOUR B-B-BRAIN WON'T BELIEVE!

NONSENSE.

IT'S SO AMAZING, IT'S A SECRET.

SECRET!

WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, DOG MAN?!

TELL ME! TELL ME!

GOOD LUCK, MY FELLOW POOP SLICES.

Announcer: WARNING: CANDY MADE ENTIRELY OF SAWDUST.

A SECRET. YES, OF COURSE.

BUT WHAT COULD IT BE?

WHAT?! WHAT?!

I MUST POSSESS THE SECRET PRIZE!

MISS BITTERS, WHY DON'T THEY TAKE THE MONEY

THEY SPENT ON CANDY AND PRIZES

AND USE IT TO BUY DESKS?

THAT ANSWER WASN'T IN THE VIDEO.

EEK! FUND RAISING...

CHILDREN!

WOO HOO!

...THEN THAT HORRIBLE MAN-DOG HYBRID

TAUNTED US BY NOT REVEALING THE SECRET PRIZE.

IT MUST BE SOMETHING OF UNIMAGINABLE POWER, GIR.

HEY, ZIM! I SOLD A WHOLE BOX AT MY DAD'S LAB.

BEAT THAT.

SO, YOU'RE TRYING TO BEAT ME TO THE PRIZE, IS THAT IT?

JUST MORE PROOF OF ITS STRATEGIC VALUE.

THE ONLY REASON I'M SELLING THIS DIRT IN A WRAPPER

IS TO WATCH YOU FAIL AT SOMETHING ELSE, ZIM.

HEH HEH HEH.

AH! HEH HEH HEH.

HEH HEH HEH.

I CAN SELL THESE HORRIBLE CANDIES BETTER...

THAN ANY HUMAN. JUST WATCH.

Gir: WHY IS HIS HEAD SO BIG?

WHY IS HIS HEAD SO BIG?

JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.

PLEASE, MA'AM, IF YOU DON'T BUY MY CANDY

MY LITTLE BROTHER WILL GO INSANE!

AAAHHH! GOOD HEAVENS!

HE'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

PLEASE, OF COURSE I'LL BUY SOME CANDY.

MMM!

[COUGHING]

MM-HMM, THAT'S THE SAWDUST.

HMM. SHE ONLY BOUGHT ONE OF THESE HORRIBLE THINGS.

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO TRY HARDER, GIR.

[BABY CRIES]

AAHH...!

HMM. OOH!

AAHH...!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

TODAY HAS BEEN A HORRIBLE FAILURE.

GIR, DON'T EAT THAT FILTH!

IT IS THE KEY TO THE MYSTERY OF THE PRIZE.

[FADING OUT] THE MYSTERY OF THE PRIIIIZE.

THIS MISERABLE EARTH SUN.

EVEN ZEERUS MINOR DIDN'T ORBIT SUCH A HORRIBLE STAR...

SO HOT!

ZIM.

ZIM!

I HAVE COME FOR YOU.

HEH? WHAT IS THIS?

WHO ARE YOU?

I AM...

WHO ARE YOU?

I... WHO ARE YOU?

I AM POOP DAWG, THE GANGSTA SPECTRE OF DEFEAT, IN EFFECT.

AND YOU WILL NEVER WIN THE MYSTERY PRIZE, FOOL.

BWAHAHAHA!

WHAT IS THIS MIRACULOUS PRIZE THING?

I AIN'T TELLIN', YO.

EH...EH...

DOES IT DEFY THE LAWS OF TIME AND SPACE?

CAN IT ALTER THE MINDS OF SENTIENT BEINGS?

IS IT THE KEY TO CONTROLLING ALL MANKIND?

THE PRIZE WILL NEVER BE YOURS, ZIM!

SO SAY THE GANGSTA SPECTRE OF DEFEAT!

I WILL NOT GIVE UP... POOP DAWG!

NEVER!

HO HO HO HO HO!

YO.

AH HA HA HA HA!

UGGHH!

UGGH!

JEEZ, ZIM, I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING TO YOU YET.

GET OUT OF HERE, GANGSTA OF DEFEAT!

BEGONE WITH YOU.

MAN, ZIM, DEFEAT'S MADE YOU CRAZY.

OF COURSE, THAT HAS BEEN MY MISTAKE ALL ALONG.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SELL LIKE A MISERABLE HUMAN.

GIR!

YES, MY LORD!

I WILL USE INFERIOR HUMAN "FUND-RAISING" TECHNIQUES NO LONGER.

NOW WATCH AS I UNLEASH THE FULL POWER OF IRKEN PERSUASION.

YAY! I'M GONNA BE SICK!

[GIR THROWS UP]

HUMAN RESIDENTS!

I HAVE COME SELLING CANDY!

HUH?

I AM SELLING CANDY FOR YOUR LOCAL SCHOOL.

AND YOU WILL BUY SOME.

UH...WE DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR GOVERNMENT CANDY!

WE DON'T WANT NONE OF YOUR GOVERNMENT CANDY!

YES, YOU DO.

NOW...SEE A WORLD IN WHICH YOU DO NOT BUY MY DELICIOUS TREATS!

ALL THAT YOU KNOW AND LOVE LIES IN RUINS!

IT'S--IT'S HORRIBLE!

[SCREAMING]

I JUST WANTED A SCHOOL DESK OF MY OWN.

AAAHH!

BWAINS.

THIS HORRIBLE TRAGEDY CAN BE PREVENTED IF...

AND ONLY IF...

YOU SURRENDER YOUR MONEY TO ME AND BUY MY CANDY!

PWEASE?

FOR THE CHILDWEN.

WE'LL BUY YOUR CANDY!

WE'LL BUY YOUR CANDY!

WE'LL BUY YOUR CANDY!

WE'LL BUY YOUR CANDY!

WE'LL BUY YOUR CANDY!

WE'LL BUY IT! WE'LL BUY YOUR CANDY!

JUST STOP THIS HORRIFYING FUTURE FROM EVER HAPPENING!

YES! WITNESS MY VICTORY...

POOP-BEAST!

AH HA HA HA HA HA...!

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

CHILDREN, YOUR PERFORMANCE WAS MISERABLE.

YOUR PARENTS WILL ALL RECEIVE PHONE CALLS

INSTRUCTING THEM TO LOVE YOU LESS NOW.

Kids: OOOHHH!

BUT, IN A SHOCKING DISPLAY OF SCHOOL SPIRIT,

DIB HAS COME IN FIRST BY SELLING 100 CANDY BARS.

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU WIN A...

[MAN'S VOICE DUBBED] ADHESIVE MEDICAL STRIPS.

FIRST PLACE! TAKE THAT, SPACE BOY!

HEY, WHERE'S ZIM?

UUUGGGH!

AH! AH! HEHH!

NNMMMM!

I AM HERE, DIB-WORM,

AND I HAVE SOLD OVER 1.2 MILLION REVOLTING CANDY UNITS!

I AM PREPARED TO RECEIVE THE POWER OF THE MYSTERY PRIZE.

GIVE TO ZIM!

WELL, THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

ZIM, YOUR PRIZE IS...

YOUR PRIZE IS...

NOTHING.

THERE IS NO MYSTERY PRIZE.

THEY JUST MADE IT UP TO MAKE KIDS WORK HARDER FOR NO MONEY.

HEH?

AS A CONSOLATION... HERE'S SOME TUNA.

CURSE YOU, POOP DAWG!

CURSE YOOOOOU!

HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW...!

[COUGHS, LAUGHS]

[RAP MUSIC IN BACKGROUND]