Original subtitles

[theme music]

Welcome, brave Irken soldiers.

Welcome to Conventia,

the Convention Hall Planet.

Please proceed to the docking ring

and take the complimentary teleporters to the planet's surface.

Be sure to visit the gift shop

for all kinds of cheap, useless stuff.

If you're here for The Great Assigning,

please remember where you parked

and proceed to the main Convention Hall.

Galactic Conquest is near.

Galactic Conquest is near.

Galactic Conquest is near...

Now, wiggle your antennae in salute

because here they are...

your all-knowing, all-powerful leaders,

The Almighty Tallest!

[cheering]

Thank you, thank you.

See? I told you they'd love the lasers.

Everything is lasers with you.

I'm telling you, smoke machines are what the people re--ah!

[cheering]

See?

Welcome mighty Irken Soldiers!

You are the finest examples of military training

the Irken Army has to offer!

Good for you.

Standing behind us, however,

are the soldiers we've chosen for rolls

in one of the most crucial parts

of Operation Impending Doom II!

[cheering]

You in the audience just get to sit and watch.

You should've tried harder!

These superior ones-- not quite as superior as us, of course--

Duh.

These less superior than us,

but still quite superior soldiers

will each be assigned to an enemy planet!

And you will blend in with the hideous native inhabitants,

all while gathering crucial information,

assessing the planet's weaknesses,

making it vulnerable to our big--spaceship-- gang...

The Armada?

Now! Let the assigning begin!

Whoo!

Step forward, Invader Lard.

Ah, you seem to have grown since last you've stood before us, soldier.

You've been assigned to the planet Blorch,

home of the slaughtering rat people.

Why would you draw that?

However, because of your increased height,

we have decided to give you the planet Vort,

home of the universe's most comfortable couch.

Yes!

Next. Invader Spleen!

Oooh!

Move it, move it! Everybody, move it!

Move it! Get out of the way!

And last, Invader Scooge!

Oh, now, that's just sad.

Could you get any shorter?

You'll be assigned to Blorch, home of the slaughtering rat people.

Thank you.

Get out of the way!

Move it...!

Thus concludes The Great Assigning!

Help yourselves to some nachos

and we'll see ya at the equipping station.

Yes! Gorge yourselves!

You mooch it.

No, no! Wait!

That voice.

No! It can't be.

Zim.

[Zim breathing heavily]

Sorry I'm late, My Tallest.

I couldn't find my invitation.

You're lucky I made it at all.

You weren't invited at all.

Weren't you banished to Foodcourtia?

Shouldn't you be-- frying something?

Oh, I quit when I found out about this.

You quit being banished?

The assigning is over, Zim.

But you can't have an invasion without me.

I was in Operation Impending Doom I.

Don't you remember?

Oh, yes, we remember.

[alarms going off]

Ya ha ha ha ha... !

But sir, we're still on our own planet!

Silence! Twist those knobs.

Twist those knobs. You, pull some levers.

Pull some levers!

[siren wails]

I put the fires out.

You made them worse.

Worse?

Or better?

[sighs]

Besides, no invader has ever been so...

very small.

You're very small, Zim. You're a tiny thing.

But invader's blood marches through my veins

like giant radioactive rubber pants!

The pants command me.

Do not ignore my veins!

As--a show of gratitude--

for your service in the past, uh--

here's a sandwich.

But--

thanks for coming, everybody!

Good night!

No! Wait!

What? You got your sandwich.

My Tallest, an opportunity to prove I truly can be an invader

is all that I ask. Give me.

Hold on. I've got a plan.

We see now that you are truly deserving.

Yes. Yes, I am.

You will be sent to a planet so mysterious

no one has even heard of it.

Right! And those who have heard of it dare not speak its name.

What's its name?

Oh, I dare not speak it.

Where is it?

Um...

Uh...

Uh...

Right there!

Ooh. A secret mission.

Happy now?

Yes.

Invaders, report to the equipment hall.

Oh-oh and remember,

lasers.

Ah!

[thud!]

The universe will be ours for the taking!

[cheering]It's only a matter of time

before all the races of the universe

serve the Irken Empire!

I'll have them serve me the curly fries.

[echo] The curly fries, the curly fries...

They're coming.

Dib drank the last soda.

He will pay!

They're coming!

Dad! They're coming!

I heard them. I actually heard them.

I was up on the roof, and I heard this transmission was coming through.

Shh! Not now, son. I'm making...

toast.

Gaz, they're coming. They really are.

Who's coming, Dib?

I don't know.

This is your Standard Issue Information Retrieval unit.

Also known as a SIR.

It will assist you in gathering valuable knowledge during your mission.

It's also a thermos.

Who wants this one?!

I do.

Ouch!

Thank you.

Everyone else, line up and take a robot.

[electronic whirring]

Sir.

Go warm up my ship's engines.

Yes, master. I obey!

Finally, a robot slave of my own.

[grunts]

Um--uh...

we have a top secret model for you, Zim.

[metal clanging]

Coooooooo!

It looks kind of...

not good.

Yes! Well, that's what the enemy will think!

Get it?

I see.

Very good. It even fooled me.

I am honored to be trusted with such advanced technology.

Hee hee hee.

Shh!

Gir, reporting for duty.

Gir. What does the G stand for?

I don't know.

Wee hoo hoo hoo!

Wee hoo hoo hoo...!

Um...

Is it supposed to be stupid?

It's not stupid, it's advanced!

[grunting]

OK, Gir! Our mission begins now.

Let us rain some doom down upon the filthy heads

of our doomed enemies.

I'm gonna sing the doom song now.

♪ Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom... ♪

[still singing Doom Song]

Gir, would you please stop singing?

♪ Doom doom doom, doomy doomy doom... ♪

[control panel] Proximity warning. Planet ahead.

♪ Doom doom doomy doomy doom doom ♪

Gir, we're here! We're finally here!

♪ Doom doom doom, the end ♪ Ooh, what's that?

Planet Earth. This must be the place.

OK, first off we have to set up a base of operations.

Hee hee hee!

Focus, Gir!

This is where your advanced information gathering skills come in handy.

Yes, my master. Droid!

You have to observe what these...

Earthanoids consider to be--normal.

Then, based on your observations,

we make our disguises...

and our home.

Here! We build here!

Whoo! That was easy.

Gir. Get out here!

Hurry, Gir. What did you learn?

I saw a squirrel.

It was doing like this.

[chattering]

Concentrate, Gir! It is time for disguises.

I want to be a mongoose.

Shh. We have to be quiet.

[clank!]

Too ugly...too stinky...

That one looks good.

Ooh, why does it hurt?

Master, where'd you go? Where are you?

I'm right here, Gir. It's me.

And keep it down. You wanna wake up the whole planet?

I do.

OK, for you, I'm thinking maybe a dog.

Can I be a mongoose dog?

Today we become the enemy.

A genius!

Now, all we need is a home.

Let's see.

Some windows, a couple of animal things in front. There!

[machine whirring]

Gir, hide!

[squeaking]

And be quiet! We can't afford to make a sound.

[machine whirring]

[alarms going off]

[metal clangs]

[alarms go off]

[baby cries]

[noise stops]

[Zim whistles casually]

Welcome home, son.

Oooph!

Step one went smoothly.

[eerie music]

The Tallest were wise to choose me.

This planet won't know what hit it

after I've learned its weaknesses.

Oh! These lenses are all scratchy!

Now, to find the best possible way

of learning about this sad, filthy, little planet.

The more we know the sooner we can conquer

this spinning ball of...

fff-ilthy...

dirt!

[bell ringing]

Class, I would like to introduce the newest

hopeless appendage to the student body.

His name is Zim.

Zim, if you have something to say say it now,

because after this moment,

I don't want to hear another sound from you!

Hello, friends.

I am a perfectly normal human worm baby.

You have nothing, absolutely nothing to fear from me.

Just pay no attention to me and we'll get along just fine.

Take your seat now, Zim.

Today's lecture is about outer space

and how it will eventually implode in on itself!

Yes, Zim?

In the event of say, a full-scale alien invasion,

how prepared do you think this planet's defenses would be?

Tell me.

As I was saying,

the universe is just doomed.

Doomed, doomed, doomed!

Doomed, doomed...

OK, am I the only one here

who sees the alien sitting in class?

[monkey chattering]

There!

Right there!

That is no kid. He's an alien!

An alien!

One of the monsters I've been talking about!

He's here to conquer Earth.

Aw, not this again. You're crazy.

What about his horrible green head?

Insolent fool boy!

It's a skin condition.

And he's got no ears!

Is that part of your skin condition, Zim?

No ears?

Yes.

Man, Dib, you think just 'cause someone looks different

you can call them an alien?

I guess old kid's an alien, too, huh?

How's it goin'?

OK. See, this is us.

Now, over here, over here is Zim.

See the difference?

Anyone? Anyone? Questions.

Yeah. What's wrong with you?

All you talk about is aliens and ghosts

and seeing Bigfoot in your garage.

He was using the belt sander.

Yeah, he's always saying stuff.

I remember that one time.

Hey, you just got here!

Don't let him trick you. I know what I'm talking about.

And there it is, sitting right there!

Well, he does look pretty weird.

Yeah.

And he is sitting.

You see. Actual proof that all the things I've been saying

are actually right!

Finally, a way to prove that I'm...

That I'm--

crazy.

OK, now that makes sense.

Man, we almost believed him.

Doom, doom, doom. Go home now.

[school bell rings]

[kids scream]

Zim.

Maybe your cruddy little disguise worked on everyone else,

but I'll get them to see the truth.

No one will believe you.

They'll believe if I bring you to them...

without your disguise.

I ordered this from one of my U.F.O.-zines.

Ooh, it's pretty. What is it?

Alien Sleep Cuffs,

guaranteed to render all alien life forms unconscious.

How do you know it works

if you've never found an alien before?

I'm gonna find out right now. Aah!

[grunts]

[grunts]

Leave me alone!

I just want to go home and be a normal!

[whistle blows]

[car screeches, horn honks]

[mechanical voice] You like ice cream.

You like ice cream.

You love it.

Heh heh heh.You cannot resist ice cream.

To resist is hopeless.

Your existence is meaningless without ice cream.

They might even name your autopsy video after me.

[groans]

Ha! See ya, Dib!

Pitiful human!

Ah!

[dog barking]

Ah! Uh!

[dog barking]

Gir! Help me.

There isn't much time.

Yes, sir.

Get me out of here now, Gir! Now!

Okee dokee!

Hey, wait a minute! Ahhhh!

Aaahhhh...!

Good work, Gir.

There you are.

Quick! Get in the house, Gir! Hurry!

Parents: Welcome home, son.

Your little tricks won't fool me, Zim.

Gir: Oh, your friend's at the window.

You can't hide forever!

And if you can, then'll wait forever!

I've been preparing for this all my life.

[laser blasts]

Dib: ok--I'm gonna go home now and--prepare some more!

But I'll be back.

And from here to the ends of the Earth...

I feel good about how today went.

...to the depths of the oceans, I will...

Incoming transmissions from...

Earth.

What is...Earth?

Invader Zim reporting, sirs.

The mission goes well.

But surely you expected that from me.

Zim--you're alive?

Yes, so very alive.

And full of goo, Mission Goo.

Don't be surprised if I take care of the humans

before the Armada even gets here.

Well, I've much work to do,

so, Invader Zim signing off.

Oh, my spine!

Cool.