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00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:02,903
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #025
"Everybody Hates Elections"
CLOSED CAPTIONED
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00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:04,172
CHRIS ROCK:
I thought running
for class president
3
00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:07,375
would make me more popular,
change my life at Corleone,
4
00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:08,609
but the more I campaigned,
5
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:10,611
the more I just wanted
to beat Caruso
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00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:12,646
by any means necessary.
7
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,482
Dude, I've got bad news.
8
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,350
The entire fourth period
English class
9
00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:17,551
is going to vote
for Caruso.
10
00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:19,553
All of 'em?
11
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,255
Yeah. He said if they don't
vote for him,
12
00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:22,356
he was going to kick the lit
out of them.
13
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,625
I thought having DiPaolo run
with me would help me.
14
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,627
It would probably help more
if he threatened
15
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,196
to knock somebody's teeth out.
16
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:29,530
That's okay.
He won't be able
17
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:31,299
to do that
at the town hall meeting.
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00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:33,201
I may not be able to knock
people out,
19
00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:34,735
but I know I can answer
some questions.
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00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:37,071
(Duran Duran's
"Notorious" playing)
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00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:38,606
Take a look at this.
22
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:40,574
I think it'll help
with the swing vote.
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00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:42,243
"Swing vote" meant
"white vote."
24
00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:44,545
What's that?
25
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,647
I redid your posters.
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00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:47,681
We need to take advantage
27
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,183
of DiPaolo
being your running mate.
28
00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:52,386
Uh, well, where's my name?
29
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:55,189
Down here.
I'd get votes if they didn't
read the fine print.
30
00:00:55,223 --> 00:00:56,390
I'm the one running
for president.
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00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,592
I think my name should be
a little bit bigger than that.
32
00:00:58,626 --> 00:00:59,727
I have another one.
33
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:04,632
White people at the beach?
34
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:08,202
No, happy white people
at the beach.
35
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,637
Chris...
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00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:12,373
Oh, that's great!
37
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,375
Where's your picture?
38
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,609
Next to Waldo.
39
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:16,677
Still working on that.
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00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:18,279
I was thinking...
41
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:19,647
We should
have another opportunity
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00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:20,481
to hear our candidates
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00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,716
in addition
to the town hall meeting.
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00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:25,319
So you're going to
have to prepare a speech.
45
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:26,187
A speech?
46
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:27,588
I never feared speaking
in public
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00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,690
until I had to speak in public.
48
00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:32,460
No problem, Ms. Morello.
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00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:33,861
Okay.
50
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:35,329
No problem?
51
00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:37,831
You ever written
a speech before? I haven't.
52
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,500
Oh, by the way,
53
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,469
are you going to need
an organ player?
54
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,737
Why would I need
an organ player?
55
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:47,608
Oh, you know, in case
you catch the Holy Ghost.
56
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:50,244
Uh, no, I think
I'll be okay.
57
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:51,412
Tambourine?
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00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,546
CHRIS:
I'm fine.
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00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:53,881
Good luck.
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00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:58,586
Didn't Ghostbusters already
catch the Holy Ghost?
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00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,562
* Oh... make it funky now.
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00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:12,566
Captioning sponsored by
CBS/PARAMOUNT
TELEVISION NETWORK
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00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:32,786
After trying to find a tenant
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00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,755
to help my father
make ends meet,
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00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,824
my mother thoughtshe had found
the perfect person,
66
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:39,760
our neighborhood
funeral director, Mr. Omar.
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00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:42,263
Oh, hello, Mr. Omar.
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00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:43,697
Oh, hello, Miss Rochelle.
69
00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:45,266
Is this Mrs. Omar?
70
00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,269
No, this is Mrs. Johnson.
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00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,670
Mr. Omar and I are just friends.
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00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:52,706
Yeah, her husband
recently passed
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00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:53,941
and she's in mourning.
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00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:55,976
Sure, she is.
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00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,811
Was it... sudden?
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00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,281
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He got stabbed on the subway.
77
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:01,449
Didn't see it
coming.
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00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:02,516
Tragic.
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00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,218
Tragic!
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00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:06,854
I'll show you the apartment.
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00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,188
Oh!
Okay.
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00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,825
Boy, I love this wood.
Don't you love this wood?
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00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,661
Oh, yes, I love this.
84
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,429
We going to get
through this, too.
85
00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:16,830
We going to get
through this together.
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00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,936
So... here we go.
87
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,672
Come on in.
Come on in.
88
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,939
Not bad, not bad.
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00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,675
So, over here we have
a kitchenette
90
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,810
and over there
is the bedroom.
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00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:33,847
Hey, Ma, I forgot my lunch.
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00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:37,751
All right, see
you later, Ma.
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00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,592
Oh, cool!
94
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,460
Drew was lucky to pick up
that ten dollars
95
00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:47,495
before the mice
got ahold of it,
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00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:49,597
'cause they was going
to buy some cheese.
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00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,966
What's the matter?
98
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,769
The speech. I've never given
a speech before.
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00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:57,838
I don't know if I can do this.
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00:03:57,871 --> 00:04:00,708
I don't want to get up there
and put people to sleep.
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00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,910
There's no reason
to be nervous.
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00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,578
I've been working
on some bullet points
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00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:05,446
and I guarantee you
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00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:08,382
nobody's going
to sleep through this.
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00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:12,320
"The geopolitical infrastructure
of Corleone"?
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00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:14,888
"Trading arms for hostages"?
107
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,824
"Postwar Grenada"?!
108
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:19,593
Good, huh?
I got more stuff, too,
109
00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:21,862
on Noriega and the fallacy
of trickle-down economics.
110
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:25,966
Wait. "The fallacy of
trickle-down economics"?
111
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,768
Greg, this is the eighth grade.
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00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:30,338
Yeah, but it's trickling down
to us.
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00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,306
I want a speech that'll get
people excited.
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00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,842
I want a speech that will get
people to vote for me,
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00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:35,843
but mostly,
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00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,311
I want a speech
I can remember.
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00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:38,579
I hear ya.
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00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,681
You need a good hook.
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00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:42,783
After researching some of the
greatest speeches ever,
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00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:44,685
I tried a few on for size.
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00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:48,656
Four score and seven years ago,
our fathers brought forth
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00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,758
to this country a...
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00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,926
Float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee.
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00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,763
Don't vote for him,
vote for me.
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00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:56,897
Come on. This is serious.
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00:04:56,930 --> 00:05:00,067
I am not a crook.
127
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,935
Come on. Now you're just
making stuff up.
128
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:04,505
Once you go black,
you never go back.
129
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,507
Are you trying to get us killed?
130
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:09,443
Segregation now,
segregation tomorrow,
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00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:10,811
and segregation forever!
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00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:12,012
What are you thinking?
133
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:15,916
I think we've looked at every
speech in every book here.
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00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,050
Maybe I should just say,
"Vote for me.
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00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,251
You know I won't kick
the crap out of you."
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00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:21,455
We better make a good showing
at this town hall meeting.
137
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:24,692
Baby, I need ten dollars.
138
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:25,859
What for?
139
00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:27,728
'Cause I'm going
to get my hair done
140
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,697
and I have ten,
but I need 20.
141
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:32,566
(Latin dance music playing)
142
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,636
What is he doing
up there?
143
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,971
I guess he's listening
to music.
144
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,841
Pete Escovedo, I think.
145
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,876
Could you tell him
to keep it down?
146
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,011
I got to get some sleep.
147
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,813
Okay, baby,
I'll tell him.
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00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,115
Mr. Omar had just moved
into the house
149
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:50,918
and had already made
himself at home.
150
00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:54,121
(loud music continues)
151
00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:55,856
Who are you?
152
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,158
Mrs. Morales.
Can I help you?
153
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,994
Oh. Is Mr. Omar here?
154
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:01,829
Hold on.
155
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,897
Omar, alguien está a la puerta.
156
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:08,101
Oh, hello, Miss Rochelle.
157
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,404
Am I interrupting something?
158
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:12,673
Oh, no, I was just about
to come to you.
159
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:15,108
Do you have a face towel
I could borrow?
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00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:16,577
MRS. MORALES:
Pregunta si
tienechampu.
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00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,546
Oh, yeah.
And some shampoo, too.
162
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:19,813
Uh, I'll check.
163
00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:24,017
I just wanted to say we don't
have many rules for our tenants,
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00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,653
but my husband
works at night
165
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,421
and he sleeps
during the day.
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00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:30,023
So if you can keep
the music down
a little bit
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00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,892
we'll really appreciate that.
168
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,026
Oh, no problem.
169
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,027
Thank you.
170
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,028
Uh-huh.
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00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,931
Oh, don't forget the face towel
and the shampoo.
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00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:40,033
I thought I would be nervous
when I got in front
173
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,035
of that audience,
but for the first time,
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00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,971
I had more confidence
than ever.
175
00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:45,873
Hey, look, it's Frank
and Sammy.
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00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,107
That's all right,
'cause after this
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00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:49,176
you're the one that's going
to be singing...
178
00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:50,944
* These are the breaks
179
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,846
* Break it up, break it up,
breakdown! *
180
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,081
All right, everybody,
take your seats.
181
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,819
We will now begin
our town hall meeting
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00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,821
so you can get to know
the candidates.
183
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:03,156
Let's have the first question
for Mr. Caruso.
184
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:05,759
Yes?
185
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:06,894
If you were elected,
186
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,196
what flavor would you pick
for the cafeteria Jell-O?
187
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:13,534
Grape. Grape today,
grape tomorrow, grape forever.
188
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:14,902
Yeah!
189
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,570
(all cheering)
190
00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:18,606
Hey, this is going to be easy.
191
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:19,907
Who's got a question for Chris?
192
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:23,043
In a perfect utilitarian
society,
193
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:24,111
where would a learning
194
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:26,647
institution like Corleone
position itself vis-a-vis
195
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,049
the prevailing monetary laws
196
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:30,918
regarding the national position
on the Krugerrand?
197
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:33,754
What?
198
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,623
In a perfect utilitarian
society...
199
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:38,125
I heard you, but, uh,
200
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:39,660
I don't know.
201
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:41,061
Grape?
202
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,996
(audience murmuring)
203
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,934
All right, do we have another
question for Mr. Caruso?
204
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,503
Mr. Burr?
205
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:52,105
Where do you stand on access
for the handicapped?
206
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:56,109
Ramps. Ramps now, ramps
tomorrow, ramps forever.
207
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,049
I have a question.
208
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,851
What's your position
on detention?
209
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,118
Detention now,
210
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,588
detention tomorrow
and detention forever.
211
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,157
(booing)
212
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,896
What were you thinking?
213
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,164
What were you thinking?
214
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,032
"Detention now,
detention forever"?
215
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:21,068
Nice going, thunder thumbs.
216
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:22,536
Oh, man. Idiot.
217
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:24,772
We'll get him with the speech.
218
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:28,542
Yeah, now all we have to do
is write one.
219
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,882
While I was debating Caruso,
my brother was debating
220
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,884
what to buy
with the ten dollars he found.
221
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,018
Hey, young blood,
what's happening?
222
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,019
Hey, Risky. Hey, man,
223
00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,320
what you got
for ten dollars?
224
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:41,989
Ten dollars, huh?
225
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,324
Oh, I got this
leopard hat.
226
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:48,161
Mm, nah, I want
something cool.
227
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:50,230
Cooler than
a leopard hat?
228
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:51,932
Yeah.
Okay, okay, okay.
229
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,267
Uh, uh-huh, yeah.
230
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,204
How about an Olympic torch?
Olympic torch right here.
231
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,139
And that's from this year's
Summer Olympics.
232
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,641
And how'd you get it?
233
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,142
Mary Lou Retton, man.
234
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,844
Are you buying or are
you asking questions?
235
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:04,878
What else you got?
236
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:08,148
(sighs)
237
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,150
Oh... ah.
238
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:12,085
How about a wallet?
239
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:12,853
Snakeskin wallet, too.
240
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,623
Coral, rattler,
I don't know,
241
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,090
but it's from my
grandmama's backyard.
242
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:19,727
Yeah, I need a wallet
to put my ten dollars in.
243
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:20,961
Yeah, there you go.
244
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:21,662
How much?
245
00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,163
Ten dollars.
246
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,197
I'll take it.
247
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,667
The Indians made a similar deal
for Manhattan.
248
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:29,036
All right, brother,
have a good time. Enjoy.
249
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,203
(knocking at door)
250
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,906
Chris, go get the door!
251
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,574
(knocking continues)
252
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,712
(sighs)
253
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,217
Hey, Drew.
254
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,853
Uh, I'm Chris.
255
00:09:45,886 --> 00:09:47,755
Hey, Chris,
is your mother home?
256
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:50,223
Ma? Come in.
257
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,092
All right.
258
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,027
Chris, go tell your daddy
dinner's ready.
259
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:56,263
Hey, Mr. Omar.
260
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:57,998
Well, good evening,
Miss Rochelle.
261
00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:01,268
This is my friend,
Mrs. Taylor.
262
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:02,970
Oh, we know each other.
263
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,938
We both used
to sell Yvonne products.
264
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:06,840
Yes, yes.
How you doing?
265
00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:08,175
I'm good.
How are you doing?
266
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,711
Okay. So how do
you know Mr. Omar?
267
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:13,647
Well, we met at my ex-
husband's brother's funeral.
268
00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:17,217
Yeah, got hit
by a bus. Very sad.
269
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:19,720
Well, can I help you
with something?
270
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:21,655
Well, I just wanted
to stop by
271
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:23,156
and tell you
I love the apartment.
272
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,859
Great, great, great.
273
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,861
Well, thanks for stopping by.
274
00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:30,731
Well, we're about to go
and get something to eat.
275
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,432
And I noticed you're about
to have dinner, too.
276
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,101
Oh, yeah, we were about
to sit down.
277
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,870
We might as well join you.
278
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,276
While Mr. Omar
was chowing down,
279
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,345
my father's blood pressure
was going up.
280
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:48,215
Oh, no, no,
I'll take the big one, baby.
281
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:50,283
So, uh, where are the kids?
282
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,252
Oh, they're having dinner
in their rooms.
283
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:53,921
Oh, y'all got any more
corn bread?
284
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:57,958
Yeah, it's...
it's in the kitchen.
285
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:58,525
Oh.
286
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:00,093
Honey? Would you help me
287
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:01,428
get some more corn bread?
288
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,296
Oh, it's right on the stove.
289
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,899
I really need your help.
290
00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:08,201
Now you see, that's what
I'm talking about.
291
00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,170
That's what a real relationship
is all about.
292
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,104
Bible says,
293
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:13,173
behind every great man
is a great woman.
294
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,875
You're on it, brother.
295
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,209
I like that.
296
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:17,344
Thank you.
You got it.
297
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,446
Thank you. I'm gonna get some
more of this corn bread.
298
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:20,848
All right.
299
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:23,350
Be right back.
300
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,922
(whispering):
Why did you invite
him to dinner?
301
00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:30,924
(whispering):
I didn't invite him.
He just showed up.
302
00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:33,293
How am I supposed to relax
if you keep bringing home
303
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:34,161
people for me to feed?
304
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,096
He's not talking about
Mr. Omar,
305
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,197
he's talking about the kids.
306
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:39,933
Baby, I just couldn't say no.
Why not?
307
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,401
Because I didn't want
to be impolite.
308
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:43,370
You know I like to make
a good impression.
309
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,873
Making a good impression was
important to my mother.
310
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,009
What are you doing?
311
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,277
I'm spraying for ants.
312
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,211
Didn't we call
the exterminator?
313
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:52,679
I don't want him to think
we've got ants.
314
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:56,349
Why are we trying to make
a good impression on him?
It's just dinner.
315
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,219
For goodness sakes!
316
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,288
And I hear you
making that face.
317
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,290
Hey, Mom, can I have
some more vegetables?
318
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:05,392
Oh, sure you can, son.
319
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:08,128
There you go.
320
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,330
Hey, what's it like being around
dead people all the time?
321
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:12,365
Drew, that is not
322
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,267
dinner conversation.
Now go on upstairs.
323
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:17,370
Oh, that's all right.
The boy's just curious.
324
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:21,975
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Julius.
Did you want any more of this?
325
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,344
No, no, I'm fine.
326
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,814
Mm, this is a good dinner,
isn't it?
327
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,148
Thank you.
328
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,317
I could do this every week.
329
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:32,119
Every week...
330
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:33,954
I'm sure glad I came
down here
331
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:35,288
before I spent my good money.
332
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,294
You better get down
to the auditorium.
You ready?
333
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,096
Yep. I got my speech
right here.
334
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:45,198
You got any idea what
Caruso is going to say?
335
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,199
No.
336
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:48,368
Whatever he's got, it can't
be better than this.
337
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:51,939
Thanks, Kashif.
338
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,107
I guess great artists
do steal.
339
00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,447
(door slams)
340
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,318
How much did that cost?
341
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:06,386
Don't play with me, Julius.
342
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:08,221
I went to the
beauty parlor
343
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:11,258
and found out I lost $10.
344
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,459
And Vanessa,
my so-called friend,
345
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,862
would only curl half my hair.
346
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,964
Did you see my money laying
around here somewhere?
347
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:19,299
Here's how that sounded
to my father.
348
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:22,469
I went to the beauty parlor
and discovered that
I lost my $10.
349
00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:26,073
(garbled babbling):
Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa...
350
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:27,841
You lost $10?
351
00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:29,542
That's $10 worth of dollars.
352
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:31,378
Baby, don't worry,
I know it's got
353
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:32,946
to be laying
around here somewhere.
354
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,482
Drew, Tonya,
come down here.
355
00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:37,350
You sure nobody
was in your purse?
356
00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:40,287
Maybe, but I know it
wasn't one of my kids.
357
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,388
We all knew better than that.
358
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,455
We knew the legend
of the boy
359
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,391
who went in his mother's purse.
360
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:46,293
Did you go
in my purse?
361
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,395
No! No!
362
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,262
What?
No!
363
00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:52,432
Tell the truth, baby,
I'll let you go.
364
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,201
Okay, I did.
365
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,936
Drop his ass.
366
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:57,637
(screaming)
367
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,440
(loud crash)
I told you
I'd let you go.
368
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:02,876
Mama, what's wrong?
369
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,544
Did one of y'all find
$10?
370
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,046
I didn't.
371
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:07,380
He couldn't look guiltier
372
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:09,016
if his lawyer was
Johnnie Cochran.
373
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:09,883
Drew?
374
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,284
Was it on the stairs?
375
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:13,420
(mocking tone):
"Was it on the stairs?"
376
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:16,289
Boy, if I knew where I lost it,
I would have it right now.
377
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,258
I should snatch
the scabs off of you.
378
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:19,659
Next time you find money
around this house
379
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,494
you better let me know,
do you understand me?
380
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:22,495
Yes, ma'am.
381
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,933
Good. Boy done lost his mind.
382
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,400
Give me my $10.
383
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,336
I spent it.
384
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,438
Oh, no, you didn't.
385
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:34,074
You owe me $10.
386
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:37,610
Please just get
out of my sight.
Go, just, go.
387
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:40,380
(sighs)
388
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:41,348
Can you believe...?
389
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,520
The one time I thought I had
Caruso beat,
390
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:50,057
he pulled something that
even I couldn't believe.
391
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:53,460
Men should be judged not by
the color of their skin,
392
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,963
but by the content
of their character.
393
00:14:55,996 --> 00:15:01,268
* By the content
of his character... *
394
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:05,038
And in closing, I'd like to say,
keep hope alive.
395
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,307
Keep hope alive.
(cheering)
396
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,442
Keep hope alive.
397
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:12,980
Caruso wouldn't know
Jesse Jackson
398
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,082
from Reggie Jackson.
399
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:17,417
You can't go out there.
400
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,052
You don't have a speech.
401
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,453
You're going to lose.
402
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,722
I'm not going to win
if I stay back here.
403
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,325
(cheering and applause)
404
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:29,062
Oops, upside your head.
405
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:30,964
The next politician
to use that move
406
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:33,100
was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.
407
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,734
Settle down, settle down.
That was Joey Caruso who's
408
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:35,735
running for class president...
409
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:37,437
What are you
going to say?
410
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:39,339
I don't know.
411
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:42,409
Well, it was a good run.
412
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:46,346
Yeah, I guess.
Now I'm going to introduce
413
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,548
the nominee for eighth grade
vice president--
414
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:52,752
Frankie DiPaolo and his
running mate Chris.
415
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,387
Sorry, man.
416
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:11,604
(murmuring)
417
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,507
Even though I didn't have
a speech,
418
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:16,176
I did have something to say.
419
00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:17,444
("Under Pressure" playing)
420
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:23,150
Uh... when I decided to run for
eighth grade class president,
421
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,518
I was running for
a lot of different reasons.
422
00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:28,188
What I never really asked myself
423
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:31,058
was, did I really want to be
class president?
424
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,525
Well, I do.
425
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:33,560
You know,
426
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:36,329
I don't know what I can do
as class president,
427
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,565
but this is what
428
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,167
I'm going to try to do.
429
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,202
I'm going to try to
get you lockers
430
00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:43,336
with combinations that work.
431
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,305
I'm tired
of coming in
432
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:48,141
to my locker and seeing that
everything I own is gone.
433
00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:50,177
I'm going to try
to get you
434
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:52,212
textbooks
435
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,813
from this decade.
436
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:58,518
I've got a textbook that says
Dwight Eisenhower's president.
437
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:01,354
Who is Dwight Eisenhower?
438
00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:02,755
I don't know.
439
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,491
And what about
440
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:05,592
that lunch room food?
441
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:06,593
I had some
442
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:10,130
Jell-O last week
that was harder than the bowl.
443
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,598
(murmured agreement)
444
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:14,467
And what's with all the salami?
445
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,336
Did someone vote for salami?
446
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,737
Do we have any bologna?
447
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:19,172
Yeah!
448
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,407
Ham?
449
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:21,741
Can I get a slice of cheese?
450
00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:27,214
And if we have hot dogs
on Tuesday,
451
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:31,418
I don't want to have hot dog
casserole Wednesday and Thursday
452
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,620
and then franks and beans
on Friday.
453
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:34,621
Change it up.
454
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:37,624
(cheering and applause)
455
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:41,361
And do we have to say the Pledge
of Allegiance every day?
456
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,595
It's a pledge.
457
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,664
We can say it once.
458
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,299
What, they don't trust
us or something?
459
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,702
And how about we get field trips
460
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,538
to places where people
actually want to go?
461
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,107
I'm not going to the botanical
gardens one more time.
462
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,444
How about Coney Island?
463
00:17:58,711 --> 00:17:59,746
Or Times Square?
464
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:02,682
Let's go see the Knicks.
465
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:05,285
Let's go see the Yankees.
466
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:06,586
Heck, I'll even go
see Cats.
467
00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:11,424
But if I go to the botanical
gardens one more time,
468
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:13,626
I'm gonna slap the sap
out of somebody.
469
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:17,597
(cheering and applause)
470
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,600
Now I know it's been
a long time coming,
471
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:23,470
but as your eighth grade
class president
472
00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:26,306
I promise you a change
is gonna come.
473
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:32,145
My name is Chris,
and I'm running
474
00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:34,781
for your eighth grade
class president.
475
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:39,486
(chanting):
Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris,
Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris...
476
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:42,289
It was great to hear
a crowd say my name
477
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,791
and not follow it with,
"Let's get him."
478
00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:47,294
...Chris, Chris, Chris...
479
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,729
The winner
480
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:52,732
of the student government
election for eighth grade
481
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:55,235
class president is...
482
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,440
Chris.
483
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:01,774
(cheering)
484
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,815
Whoo!
485
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,493
I wanted to become
class president
486
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,695
because I wanted people
to believe in me.
487
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:26,199
But the only reason I won was
because I believed in myself.
488
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:29,869
Hey, Dad.
489
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:31,904
Hey.
490
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:34,774
Good morning,
Mr. President.
491
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:37,477
Becoming class president really
did change things.
492
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,379
For one, my family
was really proud of me.
493
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:40,480
My man.
494
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,883
Now that you're class president,
can you start a war?
495
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:44,884
No.
496
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:46,419
DREW:
Hey, Chris, I bet now
497
00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:47,987
you'll get all kinds
of girls, huh?
498
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,690
Drew, you do not use
the presidency to get girls.
499
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:53,793
Too easy.
500
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,828
I'm really proud
of you, son.
Thanks, Dad.
501
00:19:55,862 --> 00:20:00,300
* Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day, lovely day *
502
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:04,671
* Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day, lovely day... *
503
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,807
Yeah, class president felt
really good,
504
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,209
but later that night
I had a dream.
505
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,850
(yells)
506
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:21,454
(crowd screaming)
507
00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:22,955
Oh, my God!
508
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,958
* Everybody hates Chris...
509
00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:35,302
Captioned by
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