All language subtitles for Rick and Morty Season 3 Episode 9 The ABCs of Beth

NEWS ANCHOR:
In local news,

child murderer
Joseph Eli Lipnip

is scheduled to die tomorrow
by lethal injection,

his execution already drawing
dozens more spectators

than the death of TV news.
Cane?

CARLA JOHNSON: The man
that once ate his own son...

Wow. He's really getting
executed after all this time.

You know the son
that he ate was --

Your best friend -- Tommy.

We know.
Stop true-crime bragging.

I was traumatized, Summer.

Okay, your generation
wouldn't get that.

Bitch, my generation gets
traumatized for breakfast.

It took years of therapy
to even process the reality.

I mean, when I was a kid,

I just told myself
that Tommy had gotten lost

in the magical realm
of Froopyland.

-"Froopyland?"
-My make-believe world.

I know the name's stupid,
but it was so real to me.

Aren't you guys supposed
to be at your father's

for custody weekend?

We're not in a hurry.
Dad sleeps until sundown.

Can we talk a little bit more
about this Froopy--

-[Zap, bloop]
-SUMMER: Not the bubble gun!

-There's no air --
-[Zap, bloop]

I gotta say, I am warming up
to the bubble gun.

You know, if you're so great
at naming things,

why don't you do it from now on?

-What?
-Froopyland.

Was it my best work?
I don't know.

Does it deserve
to be shit on creatively?

Yeah, that's right.

I agree with your look
of horrified realization.

You can be very inconsiderate
sometimes.

-[Rattling]
-[Grunting]

Here it is.

You know, I collapsed
a quantum tesseract to --

Dad, I don't care
how you made it.

I want to know if Tommy's
still in there!

-Relax, Beth.
-[Jingling, crackling]

If he is, we'll find him.

He'll be the only
sun-bleached skeleton

with non-imaginary DNA.

[Dramatic music plays]

Tommy!

This is a nightmare.

I can't believe
you used to lock me up

in this glorified chicken coop.

Chicken coop?

Those are procedurally
generated clouds, Beth.

That river is a rainbow.
Literally.

Come on, I-I-I put real
elbow grease into this place.

Well, you're supposed to put
elbow grease into your daughter!

-Gross.
-Do you think something ate him?

Nope. Froopyland creatures
were designed to be harmless.

He definitely
just starved to death.

I could have been the one
who starved to death in here.

What if I'd gotten hurt?

God, you're right.
I'm a terrible dad.

Well, nothing to live for.

-Goodbye, cruel world!
-Dad!

-[Thump]
-Oh, how do you like that?

What kind of merciless creator
makes the ground bouncy?

I'm gonna have to drown myself.

-[Thump]
-Unh!

Oh, no.
Oh, the water's breathable?

Who went and did that?

Oh, whatever.

Yeah, whatever.

A dad makes a toilet
look like R2-D2,

and it breaks the front page
of Reddit,

but I'm Charles Manson
because I gave you

your own world
instead of an iPad.

I think the words you're
looking for are -- Aah!

Holy fuck! Shit!
This thing has claws!

Yeah, I get it.
It's a childproof world.

No, no, seriously,
this hurts really bad!

This thing is sinking
razor-sharp claws in --

Aah! Shit!

-You've made your point, Dad.
-[Screeches]

Dad?

Wop, POM

-Ugh!
-[Both panting]

Whose idea was this stupid
custody weekend thing?

I think it's supposed to help
prevent abandonment issues.

I want to be abandoned.

-Yeah, I'm talking about Dad.
-[Door opens]

Bienvenue a la
Chez Divorced Dad.

Wow, Dad.

Your place looks way less
like a crackhouse.

It's actually clean,
like a cocaine house.

Dad, what's going on?

I'm simply centered,
activated --

-[Glass clinks]
-[Warble]

-And telekinetic?
-Pretty cool, huh?

Check it out.
Who wants a smoothie?

[Rattle]

[Blender whirring]

Oh -- Oh no.
Uh, oh, God.

Summer -- Summer, can you --

-Aah!
-Sorry.

You have much to learn, my Uloo.

Morty, Summer, this is Kiara.

She's a Krootabulan warrior
priestess from Krootabulon.

I-I know where Krootabulans
are from, Dad.

Uh, Chaimuntolo.

Chaimuntolo, younglings.

Hymen...cholo.

Your father's mind
holds love for you.

I am humbled to meet
in physicality.

Dad, are you -

In love with a badass,
sexy alien lady?

Ha, ha, I don't know, Summer.
You tell me.

I wasn't going to ask
if you were in love

since you barely know her.

Summer. Kiara and I met on that
interstellar dating service

Rick was always suggesting when
your mom and I were together.

And things just kind of clicked.

We must move!

Our reservation is at 7:00.

-[Whoosh]
-I hate to see her leave,

but I love to watch
her phase shift away.

I'm sure you noticed
what she has three of,

but guess what she has two of.

-[Screeches]
-Aah!

Oof!

All right, knock it off!

Listen, I've been
giving you a pass

because I'm charmed
that life finds a way, but --

Aah!
All right, you know what?

-[Ray gun fires]
-Ouch!

Oh!
Unh!

Ouch!
God!

-[Sizzling]
-Aah!

Agh!

[Arm clicks]

Oh, yeah, this place
is the safest.

Best dad ever.

Can't you just say,
"I admit it, I screwed up"?

Uh, what would be
the point of that?

[Chuckling]
You can't do it, can you?

You can't just
fucking apologize.

Okay, okay, Beth, I'm sorry...

you think you deserve
an apology.

-[Screeches]
-Hey, don't look at me.

You let your kid roll around
on the floor of a target,

it's gonna get stepped on.

[Screeches]

[Whir, zap]

Huh. Well, here's the problem
right here.

We've got a bunch of
Froopyland procedural carbons

all gummed up and mixed in
with real human DNA.

Are you saying
Tommy survived here

by having sex
with Froopy creatures,

creating Froopy-human
hybrid offspring,

and then consuming
their proteins,

sustaining himself
with an endless cycle

of cannibalistic incest?

It's just a working theory.

Of course, if that's the case,

I expect he'd be worshiped
as a kind of god

by a medieval-level society
of his least-delicious children.

Halt! You are now prisoners
of our exalted ruler,

giver and taker of life,

humper and consumer
of mortality,

-dispenser of life --
-Yes, if I could interrupt?

We're way ahead
of the reveal here.

Yeah, just take us
to King Tommy.

I thought warrior priestesses

could only leave Krootabulon
on a hunt.

Mmm.
Thank you, sweetie.

I hope it's not human season.

I'm on Earth hunting the Varrix.
I would never hunt a human.

Your father and I
are soul-bonded.

Sam-bonded?

Um, does your planet
have shorter days,

because you guys are moving
kind of fast, no?

[Sniffing]

[Dramatic music plays]

[Whoosh]

Go get him, honey!

She's always hunting.
[Chuckles]

She probably knew
a Varrix worked here,

and that's why she said
the Yelp reviews didn't matter.

Dad, do you understand

how serious
Krootabulon soul-bonding is?

Uh, gee, Morty, I don't know.
It's got such a casual name.

If you want to lecture anyone
about commitment,

start with your mom.

Oh, my God.
Dad, is that what this is about?

Are you rushing into a new thing
to get back at Mom?

Every weekend, you two
have told me to move on.

Move on, like, out of bed.

Like, stop using paper towels
for toilet paper,

not move on
into a sloppy rebound.

Dad, you need to slow down,
rethink this soul bond.

Why don't you just say
what you really mean?

You think it's cool

that having sex with her
gives me telekinesis

and you recognize
she's got a hot bod

like Cheetara in "Thundercats,"
but you're grossed out

by her avocado-shaped head
and blue skin,

and you think I want to put
a bag and a wig on her head.

After all the time
and energy I spent

teaching you two about race...

-[Varrix screams]
-...you ended up racist.

[Whoosh]

Soon your world
will be rid of Varrix.

Tomorrow, we celebrate.

We could take the kids
to the water park.

We celebrate with a hunt!

Ooh.
You kids want to hunt?

-Yes.
-Yes.

[Trumpet fanfare plays]

All kneel for King Tommy!

I'm not kneeling.
Suck my dick.

Well, hello, all!

I am the King of Froopyland,

but I go by another name, too.

-We know.
-It's Tommy!

-We know.
-We know.

I have lived here
since I was a mere child.

-We know.
-Got it.

I suppose you're wondering,
how do I sustain myself?

-Oh, boy.
-No, we aren't.

I always find the theater is
the best way to clarify things.

-Ugh.
-Seriously?

-Oh, my God.
-TOMMY: Players, go!

I am little Tommy.

[Crowd cheers]

I am tiny Beth.

[Crowd boos]

Oh, come on.

Come with me to my magic world.

FROOPY:
Don't do it!

This is my secret Froopyland
where I have no rules!

I am excited.

I am jealous of Tommy's friends
and his Nintendo

and his dad who likes him.

I take it Tommy wasn't
class playwright.

Do you want to see
the Honey Swamp?

Yes!
Let's do it!

Well, I want to see you dead.

Ow, help!
I'm stuck!

I'm covered in honey.

Huh.
Well, that's interesting.

Fake news.

Many nights have passed,
trapped in this strange land.

I am hungry, and all I can do
to pass the time is hump.

I will hump this rock.

I will hump this tree.

I will hump
this beast of the land

and put my seed in it.

I am the first
of Tommy's children.

Eat of my flesh
so you may survive.

And so I did.

Oh, wow.
Okay. Yeah.

Certified fresh.
Good -- Good job.

Perhaps a demonstration is
in order. [Unzips shorts]

No, that is the last thing
that is in order!

-Oh, my God.
-Poor Froopy character.

-Leave him alone.
-[Shorts zip]

-Ahh. Gather 'round, gang!
-[Moos]

-Dinner time.
-[Splorch]

All right, that's it.
I'm outta here.

What are you doing?

We're in the middle
of an adventure.

Here's some things
an adventure needs, Beth.

Conflict, stakes,
a way for me to benefit,

and, clearly, Morty.

But Tommy's still in there,

raping Muppets
and eating babies.

Yep. Luckily,
that's not our problem.

Time to pull the plug.

Pull the plug?

We have to get Tommy
out of there, okay?

We -- We need to do
the right thing.

Do what you never did
as a dad --

Put in a little effort.

All right,
cut the high-road routine.

We both saw Tommy's shitty play.

You pushed him
in the Honey Swamp, Beth.

His very happy life
is in your hands.

You go save him from it.

[Scoffs] You're gonna believe
a play over your own daughter?

Yes, I am, Beth, because
you're not my own daughter.

Oh, God, yes.
I'm one of infinite Beths

with infinite fathers
in infinite universes.

It's called a hug, Dad.
It won't kill you.

Yeah, don't be so sure.

You know why all Ricks
made a Froopyland

for all their little girls?

Same reason I wasn't surprised

by Tommy's overwritten,
badly structured,

cheaply produced flashback.

You were a scary fucking kid,
man.

[Scoffing]
Oh, my God.

I didn't make Froopyland
to get rid of you, Beth.

I did it to protect
the neighborhood.

Not in a [burps] noble sense.

It was just more practical
to sequester you

before I had to start,
you know, cloning a replacement

for every less-than-polite
little boy or gullible animal

that might cross
your some-path.

You would rather believe
I'm evil

than admit that
you were a bad father?

Oh, dude, no.

No, bad father all the way
to the max over here.

I'm a fucking nutcase.

And the acorn plopped
straight down, baby.

Look at some of the shit

you were asking me
to make you as a kid.

Ray guns.

A whip that forces people
to like you.

Invisibility cuffs,
a parent trap, a lightning gun,

a teddy bear with
anatomically correct innards,

night-vision googly-eye glasses,
sound-erasing sneakers,

false fingerprints,
fall-asleep darts,

a lie-detecting doll,
an indestructible baseball bat,

a Taser shaped like a ladybug,
a fake police badge,

location-tracking stickers,
rainbow-colored duct tape,

mind-control hair clips,
poison gum,

a pink, sentient switchblade.

Hi, Beth.
You've gotten taller.

Shall we resume stabbing?

Has it occurred to you

that I asked you
to make those things

because I wanted you
to spend time with me?

Has it occurred to you that
if I did try killing Tommy,

it might be because
I was jealous of his family?

Wait, what?
Why?

Wasn't his dad, like,
some kind of cannibal?

Seems like it must be
hereditary.

Oh, my God.
This is your fault.

I am not a bad person.

I'm gonna go back in there.

I'm getting Tommy,
and I'm fixing this!

Whatever you say,
Stone Cold Steve Austin.

I don't know why
I just said that.

Doesn't make a lot of sense,
but gotta stand by it.

Whatever you say,
Stone Cold Steve Austin.

I'm owning it.

[Ax swings]

MORTY: No, Dad!
You're not doing it right!

Cutting off their heads
isn't doing it right?

They're [grunts]
clearly regenerative!

I-I think you have to stab them
through the heart or something.

You think or you know?

I thought you were the alien
expert, Isaac Asi-hole.

Don't snap at me!
I'm tired!

-Me, too!
-We're all tired!

[Ax swings]

-[Whoosh]
-[Grunts]

That's the last of them.

Tonight, we celebrate.

With a hunt?

Yes, for tomorrow, we hunt.

-[Rain trickling]
-[Clears throat]

I, uh, really have to get out
of this soul bond.

-What the fuck, Dad?
-Oh, my God! Duh!

-Obviously!
-Yeah, no kidding!

-Can you guys help me?
-What? How?

Can I just, uh, tell her
it's because of my kids?

You know, like, you don't like
the shape of her head, or --

That's you, Dad!
That's you!

You're a baby and an idiot!

I think that's been established,
Summer. Now help me!

First, I want you to admit

that you're a closet racist,
a beta-male sexist,

and you dragged everyone
into a horrible situation

by only thinking of yourself.

Okay.

I want to hear you say it.

[Sighs deeply]

Look, I'm a closeted racist,
and I'm sexist and selfish,

and I dragged us all into
my sexist, racist bad things

-because I'm stupid.
-Thank you.

Now you're gonna help me, right?

-She just did.
-Yeah, clean up your own mess.

Wait, wait, what?

Oh, man.

-[Trumpet fanfare plays]
-TOMMY: All right, everybody.

Next item on the docket --

I would like to have sex
with some of you

-and then eat the babies.
-[Froopys murmuring]

I thought you'd like that.

I do keep rolling out
the hits, don't I?

[Bang]

Oh!
It's the Magic Crayon Lady!

Are you hungry?
I was just about to make dinner.

And by "make dinner," I mean -

Tommy, I'm going to take you
to the real world.

Well, this is the real world.

No, you don't understand!
Your dad --

Uh, people think
your dad ate you!

So?
You day-ow!

People should eat people.

Just leave me alone!

Tommy, you don't understand.

I have to make this right

because it's my fault
that you're in here.

-I'm Beth.
-[All gasp]

Beth?
The destroyer!

Oh, suck it up,
Princess Incest.

You fell into some honey.

Well, it tends to happen
when one is pushed into honey.

I respect your right
to believe I pushed you.

Oh, do I get to have that?

Is my reality like
a little side of fries --

a little Kwanzaa
you're willing to slide my way?

Yes, because I'm focused
on saving your father's life

because I'm not
a petty piece of shit.

So, then,
it should be pretty easy

to say, "Sorry I pushed you."

Real easy and not necessary,

since you coming home
will save your dad's life

whereas nothing is changed

by anyone stroking
your batshit-crazy ego.

Sorry, forgive me.

Uh, I've been in Froopyland
for quite a while.

Have apologies changed?

Tommy, I'm sorry you think
you deserve an apology.

Oh, my God.
I'm my father.

Uh, will someone
just kill this B-word?

[Froopys muttering
threateningly]

[Grunts]
Hi-ya!

Oh, my God.
I'm my father!

-Yal
-Ooh! Froopy!

[Screams]

-SWITCHBLADE: Born to stab!
-TOGETHER: Ooh!

And that's why one pussy
plus two pussies

makes a bunch of pussies.

Come on, y'all,
I'm trying to make this

appealing to your
sex-addicted lifestyles.

Hi. I need to pull Morty out of
school. Come on, Morty.

Ha! You heard
your daddy, Morty.

You have to leave school.

Wait, what are my values?

-Dad, what's going on?
-We're going to Alaska.

-What? Why?
-It's nice there.

Also, I broke up with Kiara,
and she didn't take it well,

and she wants to murder you two.

What? Th-Then why
are we walking?

I'm walking because I'm tired.

You guys should definitely run.

-[Whoosh]
-[Screams]

-[Thud]
-Excuse me, I just -

You know what?
I'm -- I'm just gonna go left.

No, okay, your left,
that's fine.

Do you know what left is,
'cause -- Ugh!

What does your breakup
have to do with us?

Yeah, we chose Mom hands down.

I thought we made that clear
at the lawyer's office

and in the comments under
your weird rant on Facebook.

-[Crash]
-[Tires squeal]

She kind of blames you guys
for the breakup.

-Why?
-Why?

Because I told her
it was your fault.

-What?!
-What?!

Look, I'm not an evil person.

I'm just not very imaginative!

[Warbling]

-[Grunts]
-[Metal twisting]

-Oh!
-[All scream]

PACK:
♪ Duo-duo butt 1"

♪ Doo-doo-doo -- doo-doo butt 4"

-No.
-[Jingling]

♪ Doo-doo butt, doo-doo butt ♪

-Hey.
-Hey.

Um, hmm, so just, like,
out of curiosity,

if you were to make
a clone of Tommy,

what would you need
to get started?

I don't kn--
Tommy's DNA?

Okay, 'cause he, um...

Yeah, he didn't
want to come back,

so, um, he gave me this.

He gave you his finger?

Uh, well, what happened is -

-It's okay. It doesn't matter.
-Okay.

This'll take about three hours.

Okay.

Hey.
You want to help?

Okay.

-♪ Doo ♪
-♪ I got a doo-doo in my but I

-♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
-♪ And I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With the doo-doo in my butt ♪

♪ But I know that a father
should say to you ♪

-♪ That he's proud of you I
-♪ Dec ♪

♪ Every daughter is a doo-doo
from a father's butt ♪

♪ Biologically speaking,
the butt is a nut ♪

♪ And every father
fathers wrong ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪
-♪ And there isn't a song ♪

♪ That can change that ♪

I am wiped out.
I guess I'll turn in.

Cool.

Dad?

I feel like I've spent my life

pretending you're a great guy
and trying to be like you.

And the ugly truth
has always been --

That I'm not that great a guy
and you're exactly like me.

Am I evil?

Worse.
You're smart.

When you know nothing matters,
the universe is yours.

And I've never met a universe
that was into it.

The universe is
basically an animal.

It grazes on the ordinary.

It creates infinite idiots
just to eat them,

-not unlike your friend Timmy.
-Tommy.

Yeah, it hardly matters now,
sweetie.

You know, smart people get
a chance to climb on top,

take reality for a ride,

but it'll never stop
trying to throw you.

And, eventually, it will.

There's no other way off.

Dad, I'm out of excuses
to not be who I am.

So who am I?
What do I do?

My advice -- Take off.

Put a saddle on your universe.
Let it kick itself out.

I can't do that.

The kids, Jerry, my job,

and, as much as I hate to admit
it, ABC's "The Bachelor."

I can make a clone of you,
a perfect instance of you,

with all your memories,
an exact copy in every way.

It'll love and provide
for the kids,

do your job, and consume
broadcast-network reality TV

on the same allegedly ironic
level as you.

You could be gone a day, a week,

or the rest of your life
with zero consequences.

The moment you decide
to come back,

I flip a switch,
and the clone's job is done.

It feels no pain,
it regrets nothing,

and has zero chance
of going "Blade Runner."

If nothing matters,
why would you do that for me?

I don't know, maybe you matter
so little that I like you.

Or maybe it makes you matter.

Maybe I love you.

Maybe something about
your mother.

Don't jump a gift shark
in the mouth.

I don't know if I can do it.

Then stay
and luxuriate in a life

you can finally know
you've chosen.

My secret bonus is that
no matter what you choose,

you're finally gonna
chill the fuck out.

Okay.

I know what I want to do.

[Whoosh]

Aah!

-[Thud]
-Ow!

You can't run forever!

SUMMER:
She's really pissed off.

JERRY: I know.
It's kinda hot.

Shut up!

The hunters!
They're back! Run!

-We're not hunters.
-We want to hide with you.

We're not hiding.
We're nesting.

Ooh la la.

[All scream]

The children must be destroyed
so that we can be together.

You need to break up with her,
Dad -- properly!

-[Whoosh]
-God damn it, Dad!

[Grunts]
Dump her!

Okay, okay.

Kiara, let's just run away.

-Dad!
-Come on!

Just rip the Band-Aid off!

Okay!

Kiara, when I told you
my kids were bigoted racists

who were demanding
I break up with you, I lied.

If anybody deserves to be
telekinetically strangled,

it's me.

I'm the one who
wants to break up.

I - I'm not an evil person.

I'm lazy, I'm cowardly,

and -- and I do not
know what I'm doing.

Look. I got someone pregnant
at 17.

We're getting a divorce.
None of this is on purpose.

I was excited
to date someone cool

because it would make
my ex notice me.

I would expect nothing less
from humanity --

a selfish, manipulative,
dishonest species that --

-Kiara?
-Trandor!

What are you doing here?

Just...hunting.

Do you really expect me
to believe

it has nothing to do with us?

You knew Earth was my domain.

I don't like what
you're insinuating.

-Dad, can we go now?
-Hold on a second.

I'm starting to get the feeling
that I was the rebound.

Dad, you just got handed
an ex machina.

You're taking it.

Varrix nests spread
across 300 galaxies,

and you just happened to pick
this planet to hunt?

That's Gorgon shit --
total Gorgon shit!

[Birds chirping]

We're home!

-Hey, guys!
-What's for dinner?

-How was Jerry's?
-The usual.

-Can we have pizza?
-Pizza sounds great.

Hey, Rick, did you know my dad
was dating an alien?

No. Gross.
For the alien.

Aw, crap, I think
Arnaldo's is closed.

Are you guys sure
you want pizza?

[Whoosh]

Arnaldo's isn't closed
in the dimension

where they didn't invent
Daylight Savings!

What would we do without you?
I love you, Dad.

Love you, too, sweetie.

By the way,
that wasn't time travel.

There were just a couple pizzas
on the counter.

I grabbed them.

[Dramatic music plays]

-[ Beep]
- Hey, Jerry, it's Kiara.

Listen, my boyfriend saw those
texts you've been sending me,

and he got pretty pissed off.

If he calls you,
just ignore him!

[Beep]

This is Carmox.

I have intercepted
sexual communications

between you and my
new girlfriend, Kiara.

- I am coming to kill you now!
-[ Beep 1

PACK:
Yo, Jerry, it's the Big R.

Uh, I killed that alien
that was coming after ya.

- Looking out for ya, buddy.
-[ Beep I

Hey, Jerry, it's Rick.
Don't be mad.

I fucked
your ex-girlfriend Kiara.

KIARA: Who are you
talking to, Rick?

-RICK: Doesn't matter.
-[ Beep]

Hey, Jerry, this is Michael

down at The Antique Phone
rentals.

Um, I'm gonna go ahead
and let you off the hook

for the $70 late fee.

You can go ahead and keep
that answering machine.

Nobody really
uses those anymore

except for exposition
on TV shows, anyways.

[Click]