All language subtitles for Abbott Elementary s04e04.eng

Morning. Morning.
Oh!

Happy Halloween.
Hi, guys. Hey.

Uh, Ice Spice?
Like.

No. Box.

[ Whines ]
Mm-hmm.

Janine: It's Halloween
here at Abbott,

and some of the costumes
can be a little risqu�,

so I have a box full of backups.

I want everyone to have a shot

at winning
the big costume contest

that's later today,

so I need to make sure
they're both

age and fear appropriate.

[ Tricycle creaks ]
Aah! Oh, my God.

No. Too scary.
Good Lord.

Bin, please.

Oh!
Little Black Panther.

Oh.
Wakanda forever!

Maybe just
Wakanda for the day.

And maybe just keep
your mask on. All right?

Okay. Who's next?

[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]

?

Yes. [ Laughs ]

Oh, sorry
I'm a little late.

Oh, no problem, Nina.
Good to see you.

So, uh, what do you have planned
for Halloween today?

Every year, a teacher is
given the responsibility

of turning the library
into a Halloween party

that all of the students
can enjoy.

And this year,
Abbott is keeping it classy,

because all of the treats
are up to me--

the number-one trick!

Well, we're going to be
playing some ghostly games,

decorating
some creepy crafts,

and the main event,
bobbing for apples.

You know, I was talking to
some of the parents

at the PTA meeting...
Mm-hmm?

...and we'd prefer if the kids

didn't bob for apples.

It's unsanitary.

Melissa: But she's been
doing that

since before
I even got here.

It's great.

We'd prefer
you didn't do it.

But it's
tradition.

So is tipping,
and I'd prefer

we didn't do
that either.

Well, I will take that
under consideration.

No consideration needed.

Just don't do it.

Can I offer you
a cupcake?

Are you handing those
out to the kids?

'Cause you can't do that.

And we all know why.

Do we?
I certainly don't.

They could have
razor blades in them.

Or worse, nuts.

Happy Halloween.

The happiest.

Boy, you prank
your cousin one time

by putting a razor blade
in a cookie,

and all of a sudden,
it starts a nationwide hoax.

[ Crunching ]

[ Scratching ]

[ Shrieks ]

I did a creepy scratch
'cause it's Halloween.

Yeah, I didn't like that.
Oh.

But I love this! Oh!

Okay. Say the line.

[ As Mr. DNA ]
Bingo. Dino DNA.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God. Uncanny.

It's like I'm
watching the movie.

[ Normal voice ] Okay,
now say your line. Oh, okay.

Aah! I'm an ancient mosquito
who drank dinosaur blood,

and now I'm trapped
in amber.

It's spot on!
We're such a movie couple.

I know. We love film.
Uh-huh.

[ Fingers snapping ]
Um, Pat Sajak.

Wow. You got a little wheel
and everything. Yeah.

Although,
interesting choice for you,

given his politics.

Well, I've taken
a step back

from Elon Musk's
internet,

and now it sometimes
takes me weeks

to find
these things out.

So, you know, I figure,
if I didn't know...

Yeah, you already bought
the suit when you found out.

Yeah. No returns.
Yeah.

Okay. Now, do us.

Gregory is
sexy gumballs,

and Janine
is that thing

on top of an
exterminator truck.

[ Both chuckle ]
Very funny.

Yeah, it's...

Uh. You don't--
Do you really not

know who we are?
Well, give me a hint.

I'll give you a hint.

Okay.
Chill chill, chill.

It's a movie,
starts with a "J."

"Jumanji!" No, that doesn't
make any sense.

Um, "Jennifer's Body."
What?

N-No. "Jurassic Park."

I-I'm Mr. DNA,
and Janine

is the mosquito trapped
in amber. Oh.

Ohhh, yeah.
Yeah, I see it. Yeah.

The best costumes
always require an explanation.

Well, thank you, Jacob.
[ Chuckles awkwardly ] Yeah.

First, we're gonna win
the Abbott costume contest

later today.

Then we're gonna win
the Rubensteins contest tonight.

Get your broom out, brother.

It's gonna be a sweep.
Mm-hmm.

[ Chuckles ]
A sweetie sweep.

Hey,
who wants a spin?

Yeah, sure. I'll go.

Uh-huh.
Okay.

Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Imitating
wheel spinning ]

Oh.

Well, accurate. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was fun.
Yeah.

Who you supposed
to be?

I kill vampires,
and I hate taxes.

Ah, Blade.

What about you,
Mr. Johnson?

Give you a hint.

I can ball out, boy,

but I'd rather be in
Fallout Boy.

He's emo
Jimmy Butler. Duh!

There's not a costume
I don't get.

Oh, okay.
Yeah, I-I get it.

It hurts when
you lie, Jacob.

Some days, I wonder if
anyone will ever understand me.

Would anyone care for
a tasty cupcake? Melissa: Ooh.

Yes!
Since apparently I cannot give them to my students anymore.

Yeah. Can't have that.
[ Chuckles ]

Might have
razor blades in 'em.

Then why are you
taking one?

Well, I know you didn't put
razor blades in them.

You ain't got that dog
in you. [ Chuckles ]

Then why would you say
they might?

Since when might cupcakes have
razor blades in them?

Since when can't kids
bob for apples

because it's unsanitary?

Oh, that I get.
It's objectively gross.

Jacob,
you are Pat Sajak.

"Wheel of Fortune"
is an institution.

You, above all,
should understand

the importance
of tradition.

My students have
bobbed for apples

since I started
here at Abbott,

and not one time
has anyone reported sick!

And now I don't have
a main event for the library.

Well, you gotta figure out
how to fill that time.

Mm. Wait, I got it.

You can carve pumpkins

and call 'em
black-o'-lanterns.

Okay, I won't comment
on the name,

but that's a bad idea.

What about ghost stories?

Roz,
you could do the voices.

Oh, I am not reading for
three hours straight.

Just like a cat.

Ava and Melissa: Lazy.

Now, you all,
it's not as if

Roz could do
that many voices anyway.

[ Eastern European accent ]
Okay, fine. I will do it.

[ Laughs ]
[ Normal voice ] Wait.

I'm waiting for Janine
so we can make our big entrance.

It is a couples costume,
after all.

[ Panting ]
Ready.

Ready.

[ Door opens ]

Okay, okay. Don't tell me.
I'm 8 for 8 today.

I'll get it.
You're...

You are, um, teachers
in crappy costumes.

I don't...
[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]
Oh, you know what?

We are standing on
the wrong side of each other.

We talked about this.
Hold, please.

A moment, sorry.

Mosquito in amber
and Mr. DNA.

From "Jurassic Park."

Yeah, I got it earlier
in one guess.

Yeah.
Oh, babies, this is... terrible.

[ Scoffs ] What?
No, it is not.

I mean, come on.
Ava gets it.

Yeah, I get it.
I didn't say it was good.

I know what rye bread is.
It's still nasty.

Yeah, I mean, it doesn't even
make sense as a concept.

Oh, that's 'cause
you don't know the movie. Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry,
what don't I know about

the oldest movie
in history

to surpass $1 billion
in ticket sales?

[Bleep] kids think
they're the only ones

that know anything
about movies.

You guys,
I'm sorry,

but you don't know
what you're talking about.

I mean, whose couples costume
is touching ours?

[ Chuckles ] Mine.
You are a single guinea pig.

Mm-hmm.

I say this
not as a hater,

but as a connoisseur
of culture.

When'd you start
coming in the lounge?

The two of you don't stand a
chance at that costume contest.

Well, I'll say it
as a hater. Hatily. Y'all gonna lose.

But you are going to do it
being so very... yourselves.

And that's beautiful.

Yeah. This costume's
very on brand. Mm-hmm.

And what does
that mean?

She means you're
a headass couple

doing headass things.
[ Cellphone camera clicks ]

Mm.
I'm sorry, "headass"?

Look,
in this scenario,

I think it refers to
two lovers

who are in their own
slightly delusional,

somewhat cheesy
bubble.

You know,
unable to see

how the outside world
is perceiving them.

Stop explaining slang.

And I know what it means,
Jacob.

and we're
not it at all, so--

Oh, I disagree,
Mr. Headass

and Headass Trapped
in Amber.

[ Melissa laughs ]
Oh, I'm seeing a heap of headassery.

Yeah, it's like you're in
your own little headass world,

thinking you're
so cute. Hey, we are cute!

Cutest little headasses
I ever saw.

We are not headass.

Yeah?
Then what's this?

[ Laughter ]

Let me see! Let me see!
Show me, show me.

Perfect.

Yes!
Welcome, welcome, all.

Come on in.

So you guys decided
to still go

with the bad costumes?

They're not bad.

Oh, I'm sorry, headass.

So, a headass costume
would be like PB&J... Yes

...or salt and pepper...
Mm-hmm.

...or ketchup and mustard.
Yeah.

Our costumes are
thoughtful. Whip smart.

High brow.
Headass.

[ Carrot crunches ]

Barbara: [ Deep voice ]
And he heard a voice that said,

"Where is
my golden arm?"

Both: You've got it!

Was that supposed
to be scary?

Do Skibidi Toilet next!

I got a ghost story
so scary,

it'll make
your toenails curl.

Okay!

Vietnam, 1971.

I was on vacation.

Stop, Mr. Johnson.
This isn't working.

My suffering continues.

Um, I'm all out
of stories,

and we got an hour
and a half to kill.

[ Both chuckle awkwardly ]

[ Students chattering
indistinctly ]

Attention, everyone.
It's time to pivot.

I don't care what
those parents say.

They are not here
in the trenches.

So we are bobbing
for apples.

Hey, what are
y'all dressed as?

Oh, well, I am the mosquito
in amber from "Jurassic Park."

And I'm Mr. DNA.
What is that?

[ As Mr. DNA ] A DNA strand
is the blueprint to all living creatures.

[ Chuckles ]
[ Normal voice ] You know, from the movie.

Why aren't you
dinosaurs?

Well, because
the mosquito and Mr. DNA

are the bedrock
of the film.

You could have just been
dinosaurs.

It's a valid point.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm starting to think
we're not gonna win later.

I mean, the teachers
not getting it is one thing,

but the kids don't seem
to get it either, so--

Hey. Do not let that kid
shake your confidence, okay?

Yeah. Okay.
Have you seen his drawings?

They're ass.
They are. They're ass.

They're really bad.

He doesn't know
how to shade... Mnh-mnh.

...or stay in the lines
or crosshatch.

What does he know about
art and culture? You're right.

Jerk.
Nothing.

Now it is time to bob
for apples!

[ Teachers cheer ]
You go first.

There you go.

Mrs. Howard, our parents
said we can't do that.

I understand.

And that is why
we are not going to

tell any
of our parents.

After all,
it's Halloween,

a day for deceit.

So shhhhh!

Actually, that was
just an excuse.

I don't want to do it.

Okay, fine.
Sit it out.

More apples
for the rest of us.

I don't
want to either.

Wait.
Why not?

Because the water
goes up my nose,

and it's gross,
and it's germy.

And we all just had
ringworm!

Come on.
This is gonna be fun!

It's a tradition.
My students have been doing this

since when I first
started teaching.

Yeah, but that was
like a thousand years ago.

Mr. Gregory's class did it
last year, and they had a blast.

Go ahead. Tell them
how much fun it was.

I didn't say anything
last year,

but I think
it's nasty.

Okay. You're dressed
as a toilet, kid.

Which should tell you
how gross it is.

Okay, fine.

I will show you just
how much fun it can be.

Oh, wow.
Oh, she's going in.

[ Water splashes ]
Yeah! How do you like them apples?

Don't come back up
'til you get all of 'em, Barb!

Whoo! [ Laughs ]
[ Students murmuring ]

[ All scream ]

See how much fun
this is, kids?

I'm gonna get one the next time.
[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Water splashes ]
Oh, sure,

let's just splash water
everywhere

in the only carpeted room
in the school.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

What is Melissa doing?

Hey, don't worry
about that, okay?

It's go time.
Okay. How do I look?

Like we're about to win
a costume contest.

Right?
Mm-hmm.

It's time for the pairs.

All my dynamic duos,
come on out.

Corn and Scarecrow,

Mr. DNA and
Mosquito Trapped in Amber,

and M-Ms. Schemmenti!

Ms. Schemmenti,
where's your partner?

I'm so glad you asked that,
Andrew.

Presenting Sweet Cheeks
and... Ms. Schemmenti!

[ Applause ]

Oh, my God!
I don't know who's who!

What?
It-- It's gimmicky.

Yeah, I mean,
it's derivative.

I've definitely
seen it before.

Right?
Where did she get that wig?

And the winner is,
by unanimous decision,

without a doubt,
Ms. Schemmenti and Sweet Cheeks!

Excuse me?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, my God. Oh my God.
Thank you so much.

It took me 14 hours to sew

this little pleather jacket,
and if we had lost,

I would have been in a really
dark place, so thank you.

Thanks so much, y'all.

[ Cheers and applause continue ]

Okay. But we would have
gotten second, right?

No, you wouldn't have.

The scarecrow and the corn
had it in the bag.

What can we say?

It lacks a certain
je ne sais quoi.

Oh, yeah,
says the goat.

That's right.
The GOAT, Muhammad Ali.

Oh.

That's really good.
Yeah, that's very good.

That's very good.
Andrew, that's very creative.

Our next category is
unpopular teachers

that insisted on
participating anyway.

[ Scattered applause ]
We've got...

Y'all see 'em.

Mr. Hill,
who are you supposed to be?

Oh, I'm, uh--
I'm-- I'm Pat Sajak.

Who's that?

Yeah. You guys probably
don't know him.

It's-- It's fine. I will take
my "L" expeditiously.

Of course they know him!
The man is an icon!

Okay, come on,
show of hands.

Who knows
Mr. Patrick Sajak?

Barb,
they don't know him.

We just need to jog
their memory.

Why is she
standing up? No idea.

Come on, y'all!

Pulling up the TV tray
with a piping hot pot pie

to watch the Wheel!

It's an American tradition.

Like bobbing for apples.
Spin the wheel, Jacob.

Yep.
[ Chuckles awkwardly ]

Harder!

Ha, ha!

Oh, kids.
You don't know this?

It's probably because
he doesn't even host

"Wheel of Fortune"
anymore.

What you talking about, boy?

Well, he's retired.

41 years. 8,000 'sodes.
He had a good run.

Well, what are they
going to do without him, huh?

Spin the wheel themselves?
Well, they always, uh--

Jacob, leave the stage
and come back

so that you can receive
the level

of applause and appreciation
that you deserve.

Okay.
Mm-hmm!

Barb, let's just
let this go,

and then later, we'll get
a drink with the kids.

I do not need a drink,
Melissa. Okay.

I need these children
to recognize a cultural icon.

Yes! Ha, ha, ha!

[ Scattered muttering ]

I said clap
for Pat Sajak,

or Halloween
is canceled! Oh.

[ Nervous applause,
audience murmuring ]

Oh!

Maybe I do need a drink.

Yeah.
Sorry.

[ "Freaks Come Out at Night"
by Whodini playing ]

?

Hey!
[ Chuckles ]

This costume is itchy.
The last costume wasn't itchy.

I have no access
to my pockets.

So, we realized
that our original costumes

were going over
people's heads.

Too high brow.
Yeah.

So we stopped
at Spirit Halloween

and picked up
something else.

With these costumes,

which are actually
headass,

we have a chance of winning,
which we want to do.

Yeah, 'cause we want
people to look at us and go,

"They go good together."
Mm-hmm.

'Cause we do go get together,
like peanut butter and jelly.

GE&J.

[ Sighs ]

Oh! Peanut Butter,
Jelly!

Nom, nom, nom!
[ Laughs ]

Both:
[ Flatly ] Thank you.

I'm not even
a protein.

I'm basically
just candy.

I told you
we could switch.

No, it's fine,
it's fine.

How do I get
to my phone?

I don't know why not being able
to bob for apples

bothered me so much,

but it really did.

I don't know.
I-- I just don't know.

Barb, you lost
a tradition.

Yeah. That's right.

Okay. So, my family
used to barbecue on the lawn

of the old Coal and Iron
Police headquarters.

And then, one year,
a burning coal

mysteriously found its way
into the building,

and it burned down.

But the next year, we found
a new site to desecrate,

because that's
what you do.

Yeah, but I've been
bobbing since

before I can remember.

I was so good at it.
They used to call me Bob-ra.

[ Laughing ]

I'm not going to
forget this.

The day I stopped
doing something

I don't even
remember starting.

Well, tonight, we'll just
start a new tradition, okay?

'Cause we keep on pushing.

We adjust.

Yeah, 'cause things
never stop changing.

?

Pat Sajak
reporting for duty.

Pat Sajak.
Pat Sajak.

Did you know--
Yeah, I-I know.

I know.
I know now, okay?

But not until after
I made the wheel.

And what am I supposed
to do with this thing?

Just, like, throw it out?
Look at the craftsmanship.

?

Hi! Uh, peanut butter.
And jelly.

Peanut butter,
your tag's still on.

Really?
I don't-- Where?

I don't see it.
Oh, wait. Spin around. Okay. Hold on.

Wait, wait.
Don't pop it.

Gregory, look at
that couple's costume.

Together:
Ash Wednesday.

That's headass.

It is.

Uh, we'd like to change
our submission, please.

[ Clears throat ]
Um, hey, what are you doing?

Look, look, look,
look, look.

We need to go back
to our original costumes.

But no one will get it.
We'll get it.

And that's all that
matters.

Look, as long as we are
in our own bubble together,

no one could ever pop it.

?

So, can we change
our submission?

Imagine if I said no.

I'm going to be
Mr. DNA.

And I am going to be
a mosquito trapped in amber.

Whatever.

Did you write it down?
Did you write it down?

Yeah.
I'm writing it.

Okay.

All right, who wants to bob
for apple schnapps?

Yep. Two right here.

Right here,
right here.

Okay. There you go.
Thanks, sweetheart.

Okay. Come on, Bob-ra,
let's see what you got.

[ Muffled ] Ready?

?

Whoo!
[ Giggles ]

Oh!
Oh, boo!

Are we still doing
nurses costumes?

Come on. That's not even
a sexy one. [ Chuckles ]

Melissa, I think that person
is an actual nurse.

I said what I said.

See, this could be
our new tradition.

Two more.

The next contestants are...

Uh, what?
[ Laughs ]

Oh, my God,
I don't even know.

I knew he wasn't gonna
write it down.

It's fine. I know.
Just go. Just go. Why didn't he

Let's go, let's go, let's go.
It's okay. Look at this.

I mean,
you can tell that we-- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey.
Hi every-- Ow.

Oh.
[ Whispers ] I'm so sorry.

[ Both speaking indistinctly,
light laughter ]

You might
recognize us from

Steven Spielberg's masterpiece,
"Jurassic Park."

[ Awkward silence,
feedback ]

I'm the incredibly clever way
of providing exposition,

Mr. DNA.

He looks just like it.

And I-- I--
am a riveting plot device,

the mosquito
trapped in amber. [ Chuckles ]

Oh. [ Chuckles ]
Okay.

Well, I love it!

Hear, hear!

Innovative.
Would you cut it out?

Janine: Thank you,
persons we don't know.

Okay, let's hear it
for the effort.

No!

[ Scattered applause ]

Okay. Who's next?

[ Crowd "Ooh"s ]

[ Chuckling ]
Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

Next up, we have
Grace Jones with a sword!

I'm Blade, bitch.
[ Sword unsheathes ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Shing!
Shing!

[ Applause continues ]

Who wants to bob
for more shots?

Oh, yes.
Right here.

I already paid for 'em.
Take one.

Get you one, Barbara.

You know,
I'm gonna head out.

What? Are you okay?

Oh, this has been fun.
I'm just a little tired.

Do you need me to walk
you to your car?

This sword
only looks fake.

[ Chuckles ] Thank you.
I'll be fine.

Okay.
You all get home safe, now.

We will.

Oh, my God,
Sweet Cheeks!

Look for Sweet Cheeks!
Look for him!

Hey, everybody,
look for a guinea pig!

It looks like me,
but little.

Can you see anything?

Nope. Wait a minute.
Never mind!

Didn't bring him!
As you were.

[ Laughter ]

I didn't bring him!
To Sweet Cheeks!

[ Cheering ]

Barbara: It certainly was
a different Halloween for me.

Tried a few new things.

That's the interesting thing
about traditions.

I mean,
the first time you do them,

it's just something
you're testing out. [ Cheers and applause ]

There's something so beautiful

about unwittingly
discovering things

that will become so important
to you and those you hold dear.

On the bright side,

I heard that Pat Sajak
is going to be hosting

"Celebrity Wheel of Fortune,"

and, well, maybe I can replace
Vanna White.

What do you think?

Yeah,
but you're a ghost every year.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Daywalker!
[ Hisses ]

[ Sword unsheathes ]

Bloodsuckers!

Shing!

Whoosh!

Aah!

Yaaah!

[ Laughter ]

All right.
See y'all at school tomorrow.

Aah!

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