Original subtitles

The world for some years has been sodden with tears

on behalf of the acting profession.

Each star playing a part

seems to expect a purple heart.

It's unorthodox to be born in a box,

but it needn't become an obsession.

Let's hope we have no worse to plague us

than 2 shows a night in Las Vegas.

When I think of physicians and mathematicians

who don't earn a quarter the dough.

When I look at the faces of people in Macy's

there's one thing I'm burning to know.

It was late november, uh, I think.

And I was thinking about the whole Christmas thing.

The birth of christ, The wizard of Oz,

family murders...

And, quite frankly, I was depressed.

I mean, I'd always wanted to live my life like

in an old movie, a sort of fairy tale.

Mind you, I suppose if you think that

a lot of fairy tales turn out to be nightmares

and a lot of old movies are crap, then that's what I did.

See, uh, the thing was that, um...

Well, you know the way doctors say

that nervous breakdowns can happen very fast

and dramatically, sort of Big Bang?

Or there are the other kind,

which happen very slowly over a period of time.

Well, I was 33 years old,

and this one had started when I was 7 months,

and it had just begun to...to get a grip.

Why must the show go on?

It can't be all that indispensable.

To me it really is insensible on the whole

to play a leading role

when fighting those tears you can't control.

Why kick up your legs when drowning the dregs

of sorrow's bitter cup?

Because you were bred, some idiot has said

the curtain must stay up.

I'd like to know why a star takes bows

having just returned from burying her spouse.

Brave poop-a-doopers

go home and dry your tears.

Gallant all troupers

you've bored us all for years.

And if you're so blue, wet through

and thoroughly woebegone

why must the show go on?

Oh, mammy!

Why must the show go on?

PROLOGUE - I have to talk to my Agent -

Darling, you're depressed, that's all.

Everyone gets depressed. With most people,

there is no happy, there's no sad,

just various stages of depressed. That's life.

Well, not for me, not anymore.

Look, please, help me with this idea!

Darling, you tried it before. It was a disaster.

Margie, I've been acting now for 11 years.

If everything had gone according to Laurence Olivier's book,

I'd have known triumph, disappointment,

and married a beautiful woman! Instead, I've known tedium,

humiliation, and got shacked up with a psycho from hell!

Life has to change!

But not by committing professional suicide!

I have to do this play! I've given my life a deadline!

Look, it's Christmas now. Wait until the New Year.

Give it some thought.

I've given it thought... 365 days' worth.

All right. You'll get the £600,

and my office and a phone for one week.

Now, I wanna be in on the casting,

and I can put an ad in Theater Weekly.

You'd better be careful, because we don't want lawsuits.

But I'm warning you, at this time of year,

everyone is doing Christmas shows or TV specials,

so all you're gonna get is eccentrics, misfits, and nutters.

Margie, I love you.

Oh, shush, you silly little

suicidal megalomaniac you!

Margie, Margie...

- What about that film? - What film?

That stupid science fiction film.

Oh, yes. You said you weren't interested in that.

Now I'm just curious.

Yeah, well, it was down to you and Dylan Judd.

Dylan Judd?

I don't...I don't believe it. I...I don't... I...

- I'm...I'm speechless... - I'm so glad.

I'm so glad that you've regained your

artistic soul, darling. I really am.

You mustn't let these little things bother you.

Dylan Judd? But I'm...

He's...he's...he's short!

There!

Ah. "Auditions."

Hmm. Nice and big. That's good.

"Limited engagement. December 11 to December 31.

"Hamlet." That's clear, simple. So far, so good.

"A cooperative experience."

Do you have to use these phrases, darling? It's not 1969.

No, people need to know it's an ensemble.

- And that you're the biggest ensembler. - Get on with it, please, please.

"Profit share. Spirit share." Unbelievable.

It's not about money.

Or grammar. "Accommodation and inspiration."

Can't you just say that their digs are included?

They need to recognize the commitment!

What's this? Oh, God.

"6 fellow journeymen to enter the gloomy day."

Oh, no, that's a mistake. No.

It should be to enter the world of the gloomy dane.

It hardly matters, darling.

It finishes with "apply to the director and sweat prince."

Sweet! Sweet prince.

Great, darling.

Expect a lot of new-age gays looking for a workout.

ACT I - Why...We could do the show right here!-

It's terrific that you could come in.

Thanks very much, indeed.

Now, this is really a collaborative piece,

but if you'd like to do something,

it doesn't have to be Shakespeare, no. Ehm...

This production wants to be extremely innovative

in the way we communicate.

Ah! Ah...

Thanks. I thought it would probably work.

(Weird voice) Now is the winter of our discontent

made glorious summer by this sun of York.

I don't feel that you've made it quite your own.

So, listen, let's just...

Drop the voice... Silly idea...

- Drop the hunch and the gestures, ok... - Fine.

And then... let's see what happens.

Whenever you want. In your own time.

(As before) Now is the winter of our discontent

made glorious summer by this sun of York!

Absolute transformation.

Oh, it felt great!

Thank you! Thank you so much!

- I really freed up. - Oh, you did. You freed right up.

Henry Wakefield is the name, love.

Known as Harry to those who wish to annoy me.

Whatever you prefer to be.

Look, love, I won't mess about.

I hate these profit-share things.

I want to play the king, right?

I should have played it years ago,

but you pays your money

and puts up with your miserable bloody choices.

Yes, well, it's...it's a wonderful role...

Less of the director bullshit, love.

Just say yes. Let's face it. You're lucky to have me.

From your AD, this production's already about as promising

as playing rookery nook on the Titanic,

so don't waste my time, sonny, eh?

See ya at the read-through.

Alas, poor yorick, I knew him well.

Ha! (Mouthing words)

He likes us! He likes us! He thinks we're funny!

Hamlet isn't just Hamlet. Oh, no. No.

Oh, no.

No, Hamlet is me.

Hamlet is Bosnia.

Hamlet is... this desk.

Hamlet is the air. Hamlet is my grandmother.

Hamlet is everything you've ever thought about sex,

about, um... about geology.

Geology.

I...in a very loose sense, of course.

- Can you fence? - I adore to fence. I live to fence.

In a sense... I fence to live.

Have I...have I got it?

Well, we're gonna see a lot of people.

Actually, extraordinary amount of people.

I can't tell you until the end of the cycle.

It's amazing, isn't it?

A little spirit gum, a little imagination?

One becomes... totally unrecognizable.

In my early days in rep,

they used to call me Carnforth "varied" Greville.

You know...

Because of all the, um...

You know.

- Variety. - That's it! Yes, yes.

Variety of characters. Yes.

Well, Dorothy Drab certainly made an impact in here, darling.

I suppose it could be more dreary if you smeared

the walls with sheep shit, but it's hardly worth it.

No, you just keep it anonymous and suicidal.

I'm not here to play Polonius. Dirty Gertie's

got my name on it. I'm here to play the queen!

Uh, look...

You haven't had a matronly cleavage near you all week.

You're stuck for money,

and you're looking at the answer to your prayers.

I'm clean, I'm conscientious, and I travel with me own tits.

To be honest with you, I am a bit stuck, and...

I do want this production to be free and experimental.

Well, that's how I feel about most things, darling.

Mil-i-tary!

Clippety-cloppety.

Down, about, and jiggety-jig.

For me, regional accents are not, uh, you know,

are no problem at all.

They're vitally important, in fact.

There's no set voice for Shakespeare.

That's...that's ridiculous.

I...I tried this this morning a bit.

(Thick Scottish accent) Now is the winter

of our discontent made glorious summer

by that son of York!

That's the advantage of being a child actor, you see?

I've already been in the business for 7 centuries.

It's certainly an impressive CV.

But I'm not doing it anymore, right?

I've got to play someone older.

14 years on touring Peter Pan can give you a complex.

- Are your eyes quite all right? - Perfect.

It's just that you're not actually looking at me.

You're looking off... off to one side here.

Exactly. I often do that when I first meet people.

I look off to the side to watch their aura.

Their aura?

The aura, or, as often as not,

just the bit of space next to them,

which can be very interesting, can't it?

- Do you wear contact lenses? - No, they're...I'm...

they make me... they're uncomfortable.

- Why don't you wear glasses? - I don't need them.

Can I do my piece now?

They said it didn't have to be Shakespeare.

Oh, good. This is Debbie Harry, then.

Once I found love and it was a gas.

Soon found out had a heart of glass.

Seemed like the real thing only to fi-ind

once you mistrust, love's gone behind.

It was always gonna be difficult this time of year,

and at such short notice,

but we've got a group of people who are really hungry to do it.

They're hungry 'cause they haven't worked this century.

- Neither have I. - Touché.

How am I going to get people in the business

down to this godforsaken venue?

It's not for those kinds of people.

Oh, you mean like employer kind of people?

Look, it's a one-off production

by a group of, I suspect, mad but passionate people

who are really hungry to do it,

who'll be performing it in a place that really needs us.

If we do it well and honestly, everything else will follow.

I love it when you go all visionary.

Oh, you know, you were really close to that movie.

- Oh, really. - Mm. Really.

And now Dylan Judd's agent has gone all grand

and is asking for millions. Such a mistake.

You'll come, won't you?

We'll see. I have a feeling

it might be worth traveling a very long way

for Terry Du Bois's Gertrude.

So when, exactly, are you gonna get to this church?

Sunday, lunchtime, I hope. Depends on the transport captain.

- Why? Who's that? - Me.

You're not gonna drive that old heap, are you?

With live people in it?

With actors in it. There is a difference.

I've got no choice. If I'm not paying them any money,

I've got to look after them.

Look, I'll see you at the top of the hill, ok?

Joe, what do you mean, top of the hill?

By the church gate. Listen, I've got to go now.

I've got to get the food in for Sunday.

I'm catering manager, too. See you, love. Bye.

No, Joe, you don't mean...

Oh, God! Oh, Christ.

- (Nina): Shall I navigate? - (Men): No!

(Joe): Is everything all right back there?

(Terry): Marvelous, darling!

HOPE

(Tom): Oh, look. What a beautiful name.

(Nina): I think it's a sign.

(Henry): Yes, love, it's a road sign.

(Vernon): I think it's symbolic.

Uh, now look, we can't actually

get the vehicle any closer than this,

so we'll have to carry the stuff from here.

We'll get the rest later. It's a lovely short walk.

(Vernon): And up a hill, too. How wonderful!

Perfect after a journey like that.

(Joe): We were brought up around here.

It's such a beautiful church.

Even us kids liked going.

(Nina): It's such a shame it's fallen into disuse.

(Vernon): Like most of this company.

(Terry): Speak for yourself, you cheeky wit.

(Carnforth): It's wonderfully pleasurable for our audience.

Ah... the road is long, though firm and strong

and tinkly like a dinner gong.

(Henry): Did you just make that up?

Uh, no, I think it's by, um...

Um...

No, actually, I think I did just make that up.

(Vernon): That is terrific, isn't it?

Like out of Wuthering Heights or something.

(Nina): It's so romantic and yet so sad!

(Terry): It's got sort of feminine sadness, hasn't it, Nina?

I can make my first entrance. from that side.

Certainly worth the trudge, isn't it?

And a fantastic position up here on the hill.

There must be some tremendous runs to be had around here.

Yes. Certainly atmospheric being surrounded by dead people.

- Not much of a change from your normal audience, then, Harry. - Henry.

Well, folks, this is it. The old hill church of Hope!

We're not just doing a play. We're here on a mission to save this place,

to get the developer out and the people back in!

- (Molly): Joe! - Ah, this is my sister Molly!

Molly, hey, how are ya?

Oh! I thought you'd got it wrong!

It's not this church.

Everyone loves this church.

It's the big one on the edge of the village.

- Not the big horrible red one? - Yeah.

That really is a dog of a church.

Graphically, actually, it isn't bad.

All those nice verticals.

So much flatter around here.

It's not nearly so good for working a heart rate.

Well, at least I can go to town

in my dressing room in here, love.

I do need space for my talent.

- Space to find it. - Shut up.

Haven't we seen enough? I'm sick of the sight of the place.

Can't we just go to the digs?

These are the digs.

It's the only way we can afford to do it.

We've got food, peaches, and sleeping bags and futons.

Actually, I'm not all that keen on japanese food.

(Nina): Oh!

- Gosh, it'sincredibly atmospheric! - (Terry): And damp.

(Joe): I remember this place. I used to get dragged in here

once a month on Sunday night for extra religion.

Oh, yes. Mom and dad made sure we got our money's worth.

And have you kept it up?

Carnforth, watch your language.

He means the faith. Have you kept up the faith?

Though it is very hard.

I mean, I'm tremendously spiritual,

but I still find it difficult to meditate

for more than an hour each day.

Yes. I suspect that's about all

Buddha can take from you, isn't it?

So, Molly, why doesn't anyone use this place anymore?

Oh, they do, or, rather, they did

until this bloody developer got hold of it.

Basically, a lot of people have abandoned Hope.

I know how they feel, love.

Oh, what dramas!

Is this the landlord?

Oh, right! Right. Let me introduce you

our designer! This is Fadge.

Did he say vage?

I'm glad she uses the abbreviation.

Fadge, darling. Fa. Give it an "f."

Think it's a bit early in the day for that, darling.

Is this entire production going to be conducted

through a stream of innuendo?

Is there a surname, Fadge?

Yeah, is it Fadge Smith or Fadge Fadgington?

Just Fadge, darling.

You know, this place is incredible.

I feel something very powerful here.

Very strange and powerful.

Powerful and strange. I feel that, too, Fadge.

Powerful and strange and damp.

I was just saying, Fadge,

there's marvelous opportunities here for...

You see, we must make the design all about space.

People in space.

Things in space.

Women in space. Men in space.

So we'd sort of be... spacemen?

In a sense.

So, Carnforth, we get to sleep in the crypt.

You think they might be trying to imply something about our acting?

What, that it's a bit cryptic?

- No, that it's dead. - Oh.

I don't know. I've, uh... Seen worse in the army.

Were you in the army?

Um...

No. Not strictly speaking, no.

Feels like the army, certainly.

- Uh, Vernon. - Mm-hmm?

Do you think the boss would be offended

if I popped out directly to the local hostelry

in lieu of this evening's meal?

I don't know, Carnforth. Why don't you ask him?

We're talking about actors, darling, not civilians.

Discipline is what they need.

You're not here for long.

Really, it'll sort itself out.

21 days, love. 63 meals, and 8 trillion cups of tea.

Now, I don't know how many arse wipes that runs to,

but if you don't want to be the one holding the loo roll,

you'll take my advice: we'll draw up a cleaning

and the cooking rota now.

It's been so long since I spent time with Joe,

I've forgotten how actors behave.

This is just like being in the boy scouts.

Don't say that, love. Their pants'll never dry.

I don't see why I have to share with a poof, love.

- Come on now, Harry. - Henry!

We're people of the world. A person's sexuality is irrelevant.

I couldn't care less if he shags hamsters.

They're all the bloody same!

The entire British theater's dominated

by the class system and a bunch of Oxbridge homos!

I don't think Terry's Oxbridge.

Well, it hardly matters. They're all drama queens.

I hope your Gertrude's a quiet woman.

Yes. I wanted to have a word with you about that, actually.

When does she arrive, by the way?

I hope she's not going to be late for the read-through.

Well, we should probably meet for 5 minutes before then

to discuss my concept of your queen.

It's not bad, though, is it?

Stage... feels good.

Oh, yeah.

You can command the audience.

Henry Irving would have loved this.

It 'tis...

the cause, my soul.

It is the cause.

Let me not mimic to you your chaste stars.

It 'tis...

the cause!

Hah!

Irving as he would have played Othello, love.

Very strange gestures, but totally hypnotic.

Look, are you gonna be ok with the bedroom arrangements?

I mean, we could ask somebody to move.

All right, all right. I'll stay there.

I could always sleep with my arse in a bucket.

Oh. Hamlet at Christmas

with a group of like-minded artists

in a rough but really real location!

I can't think of anything that would make this job better.

Salary?

Oh, is that the design for this then?

- It's not finished yet. - Oh. Sorry.

Where did I put my moisturizer?

You can call me Fa.

What?

It's a nickname.

Very close friends call me Fa.

Oh.

Well, I'm very touched you should allow me to use it.

I mean... it's slightly harder to say than Fadge,

but it's beautiful.

Fa.

Thank you.

Why are you rubbing low-calorie mayonnaise into your face?

Well, here's to Molly. Cheers!

(All): To Molly.

That is rather an amusing little Chianti.

Well, you've certainly given it a good road test, haven't you?

You carry on drinking like this, it'll affect next year's harvest.

Actually, let's just talk a little bit about the food and drink situation.

Yes, when do we get our expenses, love?

Well, the point is, I suppose, that the most economic way of doing this

would be to operate our household budget from a central fund.

You mean there are no expenses.

Not in the conventional sense.

Is there another sense?

Well, there's a crooked bastard who didn't tell us

before we got the job sense.

Well, now, that's not fair. You wanted this job.

This is Joe's own money.

He must spend it how he thinks fit.

This was a very generous meal.

Yes, the chili was very nice.

But it really has to be the last red meat I have.

I mean, already I'm going to have to detox and irrigate.

Colonically, this has set me right back.

Yes, well, uh, sorry, Tom. We'll all bear that in mind

as we implement the cooking roster.

Now Molly, thank God, is going to do the shopping for supplies.

But we will probably need to be economic with our provisions.

I think he means you've drunk our entire

- Christmas wine allowance, Mr. Greville. - I hope not.

Leave her alone, Mrs. Grumpy.

I think Nancy Nerves is rattling your bars about tomorrow, isn't she?

Oh, yes, I'm nervous, too.

My stomach's full of snakes.

You know, some people get butterflies in their tummy,

but I get these sort of snake things.

Those are your intestines, love.

I can feel my nipples stiffening.

It's a good sign.

A very good sign.

(Breathy voice) Hard and quick.

Hard and quick!

It happens the night before a production.

I feel it to be a tremendous omen.

Well, we're never short of a shock from Mr. Mad, are we?

What is all this calling boys by girls' names and stuff?

I'm completely lost!

It's camp, darling. Theatrical camp. Banter.

Keeps us all on the straight and narrow.

You put a girl's name in front of any word

just to spice up your sentences.

And always refer to a man as a she

and a woman as a he. For example,

- if I were to comment on Harry over there...

- Henry. - I might say, "oh, Mandy Misery's shafted"

"Mrs. Wakefield good and proper, hasn't she?"

Oh, I see.

Well, you will, darling. And you never know.

There might be a little more campery before the first night.

The point is, there is nowhere for people to go,

apart from the pub, if they can afford it.

I mean, there's no village hall, there's no art center.

We need this place to give people a focus,

prove to the council that there is a community worth maintaining,

that there is a community!

Then it would be wonderful if it was a great production!

Don't feel under any pressure, Joe.

What is the show, anyway?

That bugger wouldn't even tell me.

Oh, I hope it's something Christmasy, a comedy.

(Tom): It's Hamlet.

Great.

Oh, hello, kids.

Do stop watching Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

and come and watch a 400-year-old play

about a depressed aristocrat. I mean,

it's something you can really relate to.

We've got our work cut out.

Who's playing Hamlet?

Oh, that's so bloody typical of you!

I'll take you home!

You can walk off your disappointment.

Oh, can I come, too, just for the air?

I hope you don't mind coming this route. It's on our way home.

Not at all. It's a chance to calm down after all the excitement.

I couldn't have gone to sleep right away.

I just wanted to see this place again. I'd set my heart on it!

The other church is much more practical.

I know, but this is where I grew up.

It's just typically stupid of me not to have checked properly

with Molly, charging away as usual.

That's enthusiasm. It's important.

- Not many people have it like you. - I hope I can keep it up.

- I beg your pardon? - Don't you start.

Are you scared about tomorrow?

Absolutely petrified.

Right now I just wish I'd got that stupid part

in that stupid film and have to turn up

for 6 months in a funny suit and drink tea all day.

Look, we're all right behind you. You won't fail.

I did once before, you know? Fadge and I both.

Different shows. Same bull-at-a-gate mentality. Complete cock up.

All money lost, all confidence lost with it.

My dad went bust. My fiancee left me for another man.

Wonderful timing. Only an actress can carry that off.

No offense.

I shouldn't be talking to you like this, should I?

I'm flattered that you can confide in me.

Martin always says that if you can face your troubles and fears

and just acknowledge them,

you're halfway to letting them fly away.

I always try to remember that.

- That's good advice. - Mm-hmm.

- Who's Martin? - My husband.

Act II - There's no business like showbusiness! -

Right.

Uh... this is obviously a very exciting moment.

We're about to embark upon our voyage of discovery.

I'd like to talk a little bit about Hamlet.

I know it is a very dark play.

I see it as a very long play, darling.

Sally Scissors is going to appear, we hope.

Yes, no, I've got a lot of cuts.

But what I'd like to do for the benefit of this read-through

is to read the whole thing.

Oh, great. We've only got 10 days' rehearsal,

but let's spend 15 hours reading the whole bloody thing on day one.

I'll give you the cuts directly afterwards.

It's vital we read the whole thing once.

Hear, hear.

Right. We're not gonna waste

any more time on speeches and things.

I would just like to say at this stage,

please enjoy the reading.

I mean, don't feel obliged to, um, give performances.

I don't want that. But do avoid mumbling,

throwing it away. Let's really hear this play.

Ok, let's really listen to each other!

Ok? And relax! Ok?

Ok. Off we go.

Um, could I just mention smoking?

I think it would be really a good idea

if this was a nonsmoking read-through.

Uh, right. If you could all be sensitive to that.

Thanks very much, Tom.

- Ok. - Who's there?!

Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off,

and let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.

Do not forever with thy vailed lids

seek for thy noble father in the dust?

Why must the show go on?

The rule is surely not immutable.

It might be wiser and more suitable just to close

if you are in the throes

of personal grief and private woes.

Why stifle a sob when doing your job

when, if you'd use your head

you'd go out and grab a comfortable cab

and go right home to bed.

Because you're not giving us much fun.

This laugh, clown, laugh routine's been overdone.

Hats off to show folks

for smiling when they're blue.

But more 'comme il faut' folks.

Are sick of smiling through.

And if you're out cold, too old

and most of your teeth have gone,

why must the show go on?

I sometimes wonder,

why must the show go on?

- I can't stand poofs! - Henry!

Gertrude was not written as a shirt lifter!

- Shakespeare himself was probably bisexual. - Ballshit!

It's an elizabethan concept.

It'll free up a whole part of the show!

A dyke I could have coped with. I don't mind the odd diesel.

But I'm not having me tongue down that!

Me thinks the Lady Doth protest too much, darling.

Oh, he's old school.

He's just trying to prove that he's really 29,

with 6 testicles and a 4-foot dick.

Chaps, I'm just slipping down to the...

post office for a quick, um...

Stamp. Ha.

I cannot believe the cuts.

I cannot believe the cuts.

I cannot believe the cuts!

Can you believe the cuts, Tom?

No! I can't believe them!

Tom, you're playing all those parts.

I mean, that's the real challenge, isn't it?

To make them all exciting and different.

- And brief. - Exactly.

I'm going to speak to my agent.

That's right, darling. Threaten to walk.

The management will quake in their boots.

Oh, please don't leave, Tom.

I think you'd be a wonderful Laertes.

Well, I have put quite a lot of work into it, actually.

Normally, I'd have tried to spend

a month in Denmark to get it right.

So what did you do this time?

I borrowed this book on the Eiffel tower.

You know in the play he goes to France?

I just wanted an image in my head.

Well, there'll be plenty of room for it, darling.

Is Joe all right?

Oh, he's fine, love. He's just humoring Mrs. Wakefield.

Will he leave?

Is it always like this on the first day of a play?

- Sort of political, I think. - Marking out territory.

Yes, she's a ruthless stepdaughter, that one.

Did you enjoy the read-through, Fadge?

I thought it was extraordinary.

And also, in a strange way, banal.

Does that mean you've decided on an extraordinarily banal design?

I can't...I never decide at this stage.

One has to remain open.

Open and indecisive?

Stop teasing, Vernon.

I can't wait to see the set model... Fa.

Fa?

- Fa? - Did she say Fa?

Um...

Isn't... this, um... Pardon.

You'll have to go easy licking those stamps at lunchtime, Mrs. Greville.

Yes, but... this is...

sort of... exactly where we are, isn't it?

- Exactly! - Brilliant.

- So what's the design? - Smoke. - Smoke?

- People in space in smoke. - Oh, gosh.

This building does everything else.

- Smoke gives us atmosphere, history. - Bronchitis.

- What about period, then, darling? - Joe?

I think, uh, I think we should create the period.

I don't think it should be elizabethan. That would be ridiculous.

Although it is an elizabethan play, isn't it?

Don't bring up the tedious details, love.

It should be no period. It should be our period.

When everybody's come up with contributions

to character and costume, the period or style will emerge.

That's the nature of this collaboration!

Is cop-out 1 word or 2?

You're being a naughty, cynical sausage, Vernon.

Oh!

Thank you, Nina. We'll be having discussions this afternoon

about character and costume to set us off on the right foot,

and we'll start rehearsals properly tomorrow with the first scene of the play.

- Starting with the first scene? Oh, she's so radical! - Shut up, bitch.

BUILDER ACCESS ONLY

I can take every period with me.

That's what Joe said.

The style will emerge.

That's right.

That's everything.

I wear my own props, love. I bring my own breasts.

You look after the other children.

The thing is, Joe,

I've noticed that I'm, uh, actually playing

2 characters who appear on the stage

at the same time, as it were. And, uh...

Actually, Joe, I was just wondering whether I could mention the cuts.

I think they're brilliant...brilliant!

So clever wh-what you've done.

It's just that Laertes has lost 4 key lines.

Perhaps you'd maybe plan something perhaps with mirrors?

I was just wondering whether at some point

we might reinstate them.

No, let me do them for you.

- Ok, do it. - Oh, heavens!

Are you very much longer? It's freezing in here.

It's more of a movement thing.

Move? Fadge can help.

Lines, lies...you see... did you see what I mean?

Careful, careful.

Worry about press?

Can't we get the flock sorted out?

And I thought I could rip the shirt off

and sort of absail down from the organ

for "where is my father?"

They do some wonderful body oils now.

I don't want her to wear glasses!

Right. You fell over the balcony getting into bed last night.

Doesn't the light read on this?

I think a big nose would be great.

Did you see Cyrano De Bergerac? That kinda size.

I want 2 shoulder pads. He's gotta be butch.

Now, look, you're actually gonna have to be me

during these rehearsals. So I can watch the scenes.

Oh, great! Thanks for the warning. So unlike you.

How does Herr Direktor rehearse his part?

Oh, we'll find time. And I'll make all your best bits.

Seem to remember you were rather better than me

during all those amateur dramatics.

Well, yes, 'cause that's where I do it.

As opposed to thinking people might pay me to do it.

Yes. Horrible concept, that, isn't it?

- It's caught me out before now. - But you still persist.

Just about. I think this is what we call the last gasp.

So why don't you make it easier on yourself this time by doing a comedy or

something somebody might be interested to see?

Yeah, well, that's where you and me part company as always.

I think if we do this with humor, passion, and reality,

people will be interested in seeing it.

I saw this play when I was 15. It changed my life!

You don't forget that!

I don't think I was any different then

from your hormonally confused kids now.

All I was ever interested in was girls and wanking.

Unfortunately, hardly ever in that order.

I saw this play.

It spoke to my heart and my head

and my chief reproductive organ.

Will that go in the program notes?

(Fadge): Release the pain. Get out, get out!

Drive it away! Up and down and up and down,

and out of your heads, out of your heads.

Feel the pain in your body, feel it out, and get it out.

You don't like it.

And it becomes a train of fear.

A train of fear.

Get out! And we cry out.

- And we cry out. - Whoo woo!

(All): Whoo woo!

Who's there?

Great! Terrific.

Huge potential.

Sorry.

- It's a bit limp. - Limp?

You know, he's just seen a ghost.

He's probably expecting to see another one.

Hamlet is a tremendous ghost story.

Now, I want to see that fear. I want to smell that fear.

I see. That's good. Fear.

All right.

Let's start again.

(Same as before) Who's there?!

No, no.

It...it still doesn't convince me.

Let's just take a little time out here to ground this in some sort of reality.

You tell me, Carnforth, when was the last time that you were really terrified?

Can you remember when that was.

- Or if there was such a time? - Um...

Yes! I can remember.

Um... I was on my way to have Sunday lunch with my mum.

It was her birthday, I remember. Bit overdue.

And... got a flat tire on the motorway.

Well, it was...

Touch and go whether I was gonna get there in time.

Pretty terrified then, you know?

And how did this terror manifest itself?

Well... It probably took a little longer

to change the tire than it would have... hands shaking, that sort of thing.

Right. Ok. Let's bring that situation here.

That fear.

Right. All right! Let's have another go!

Who's there?!

No, you don't have to change the tire!

I'm so sorry. Sorry,everybody.

- Tricky first morning. - Yes. - Yes.

First scenes are always so difficult.

I can feel the production in here already.

I can feel your pain.

- Can you, Tom? - Relax.

Ah!

But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son.

A little more than kin and less than kind.

How is it that the clouds still hang on you?

Not so, my lord. I am too much in the sun.

(Campy voice) Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off,

and let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.

Is he gonna play it like that?

- Like what, you rude girl? - Like Larry the Lamb on speed.

Right. Just stop both of you there.

Henry, if you'll leave the interruptions to me. Thank you.

Terry, look, I am slightly concerned about the voice.

The general movement's fine, but the voice is just a little...

it's what they all do, all the grand dames.

They don't talk like they do in the real world.

They put on the old secret gravel, the treasured trill, the emotional break

middle of the line, the operatic cadenza.

I'm not making it up. They do!

Sure, and sometimes it's very good,

and sometimes they're very wrong, and they give Shakespeare a bad name.

Technically, it is brilliant,

but you just don't sound like a human being.

- More like a robot with piles. - That's not what I meant.

It's what I hear when I go to the classical theater.

I thought that's what you did.

Have a little think about something more natural.

I think you'll do it brilliantly.

All right, here we go!

Actually, Terry, something to be aware of.

Somebody told me about it. You must be very careful

you don't invert your opening line as Gertrude.

Apparently, there's quite a famous cock up.

Instead of saying, "good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off,"

you can end up saying, "good Hamlet, cast off thy colored nightie."

I mean...I mean, you probably won't do that yourself. I just...

Anyone like some tea?

- Bloody landlord! - What?

- Well, you know you paid the rent. - Yeah. 3 weeks in advance.

He says he wants a week's rent out of that for unpaid electricity bills

that he says the school's liable for!

- Are you liable? - Of course not! That..

Challenge it!

Well, we will, but he's stalling until after Christmas.

- Oh! Can he do that? - Of course not, but he's a shit,

and he already has your cash.

- What does that mean? - As far as he concerned

he wants another week's rent, or he'll turn us out.

- We won't go. - Then, he says he'll cut

- all the services off: water, gas, electric. - Can he?

I've spoken to the council. He's within his rights.

If us or the school don't pay up,

we've contravened the terms of a special performing...

- We don't have time for that! - I didn't plan it, Joe!

Well, when is his deadline?

- End of the final week, day before we open. - Or?

He'll send his mates in to close us down!

- Christ! I don't have £700! - Well, neither do I!

All right. Think something.

Don't tell the actors.

Hello. Sorry to interrupt. I just came to say well done!

Both of you. Wonderful first day.

You were so brave, so very exciting.

Oh, thanks very much, Nina.

Are you going out for the evening?

Oh, no. It's Tom's turn to cook.

We're having vegetarian steak and kicky pudding.

I wouldn't miss that for the world.

I'm just off to the phone box. I'll see you later.

- Who's she off to ring? - Her husband.

HAMLET OPENING AT XMAS EVE - LIVE HERE

Well, boss. Another day, another .00001 of a dollar.

- How was it for you? - Not without its moments Vernon.

VERNON SPATCH AS POLONIUS

Not bad, eh? Just a bit of fun.

No. It works very well. A little understated, I fear.

Well, it's worth it just to see Henry's face.

By the way, boss, are you considering

having anyone come to see this thing?

First things first. We gotta get the show right.

Yeah, but what about the tickets?

The box office, cash advance, advertising.

That's all in hand. They listed up a box office at Molly's school,

and people can book through her home number.

Fadge has agreed to do the catering front of house.

- How many have booked so far? - Well, figures at this time of year

can be a little misleading... Christmas shopping, etc.

Has anyone booked?

We're looking at business mainly on the night.

- No one's booking. - Not yet. No.

I've got a little cash flow problem with the landlord.

Oh, no, Joe, not again. You promised.

Yeah. I'm just a bit stuck.

Unstick yourself, darling. Can't you reason with him?

I don't think so. He's got some very strong

and very persuasive friends in the building trade.

You'll think of something. How's your Hamlet?

A little underdone at the moment.

Molly's mainly filling in for me,

and she's rather good, too, the bitch.

Don't underestimate yourself, darling.

I don't want to drag reluctant casting directors

down there and see you being bad.

No, no, understood.

And, darling, more dramas on the Dylan Judd front.

Apparently, she wants billing and a personal trainer.

Contract's not signed, filming imminent.

She is pushing her luck.

- I do wish him well. - I'll keep you posted.

Are you feeling less suicidal now?

I suppose so.

Then it's working. Marvelous.

- Good night, sweet prince. - Good night.

- And let him play his music! - Well, my lord.

Farewell!

(Joe): What was that?

Listen, it's...it's a bit, um...

- Much? - Yeah. I mean,

I don't know if the nose is going to your head,

if you pardon the expression, but I'm getting more Shylock than Polonius.

Well, I like to be bold early on,

but I get the message, chief.

- Basically, it's, uh, L.C.A. - Hmm?

- Less crap acting. - Ah. That's about the size of it. Thank you.

Tom. Yes, darling.

- Your accent... - You noticed it?

Yeah. I think you have to come from Pluto

- not to notice it. - Good, good.

Yeah. Unfortunately, I think you have to come from Pluto to understand it.

Well, it has to be different, darling. I mean, I am playing a lot of roles,

however small some of them are now.

I want each one to be distinct.

Now, I've taken my cue from his name...

Reynaldo. You know, reynard.

Sort of foxy. Hence, the accent.

- A foxy accent? - Well, you see,

I asked myself, "how would a fox speak?"

Rather covert, rather secretive.

I'm getting more Russian than secretive or foxy.

Yeah. Let me work on it, yeah?

All right. Thank you. Ok. Here we go.

Joe. Uh, um, just before we do my entrance,

I wondered if I could try something.

Yes. Certainly, Nina. What?

Um, well, I was thinking about

bearing in mind what you were saying

to Carnforth the other day, you know,

about fear and everything.

And I was sort of thinking, um,

f-for this scene, she really ought to be, um...

- Genuinely scared to bits? - Exactly. Good.

I mean, almost violent. Hysterical.

- Right. Yeah. - Just preparing the audience slightly

for later on when she goes mad,

and just so that we can really see

the effect that Hamlet has on her, you know,

and the effect of seeing his flesh.

The sexual threat, you know?

Um, just sort of very much out of control almost.

Excellent. Right. You try it.

- All right. Ok. - Ok, here we go, then.

In your own time.

Good-bye, thee. Fare ye well.

Good my lord.

And let him play his music.

Well, my lord. Farewell.

Oh, my lord!

I've been so affrighted!

Oh!

If that girl makes it to the first night

without serious accident, I'll be amazed.

Oh. She does seem to have a bit of a vision problem, doesn't she?

She's brushed her teeth with soap

for the last 3 nights, but she won't admit it.

Yeah. She's a stubborn old thing, isn't she,

- underneath all that dizzy stuff? - Oh!

But nice. Very nice.

Oh, buggering!

Are you all right?

No. It's these bloody costumes.

I brought every period with me,

but I can't quite decide and it's getting a bit...

Late in the day?

Don't say that, for god's sake.

You're very impressive with that crossword.

Well, you know what the secret is?

I don't answer any of the clues.

- What do you mean? - Well, I just... take my time,

fill in all the empty boxes.

Any old letters will do.

I've always been terrible at the bloody things, but

it takes my mind off the godawful business of acting.

Is your name really Carnforth Greville?

No. It's Keith Branch.

I just pinched one that I thought had the

requisite amount of mystery and glamour.

What do your parents think?

They were rather disappointed, actually.

Well, they'd done a lot of scrimping

to put me through the drama school, and

well, um, well, they... they really believed in me.

Mom, especially.

I don't think I've dealt with parental expectation terribly well.

What about you? Were you christened Fadge?

Hardly. I was christened Mildred.

Not the name to have if you seek distinction as a designer,

which I rather pitifully did.

But I was adopted, you see, so, I didn't think it really mattered.

- I think it's rather sweet. - Thank you, Keith.

My pleasure, Mildred.

'Tis rather fun, all this, sometimes, isn't it?

Mmm. 'Tis rather.

Oh! I've just got another clue.

So, why no glasses, eh? Or...I don't know.

I don't know, either.

I don't want to see the world in sharp focus.

- Why? - Because it's horrible.

You really think so?

You were always so amazingly positive and bright.

- And dizzy. - No, I didn't say that.

It's what my dad says on the phone every night.

He thinks this whole thing of being an actress

and working in the theater is just a terrible passing phase.

I'm sure he's very proud, really.

I hoped he would be if he came to see it.

It was my first proper part.

Still... I expect your husband gives you his support.

Yeah. He does, in his way.

I'm sorry? Well, does he live very far away?

He's dead.

It's all right. Just one of those things.

One of those ghastly, bloody awful things.

Was he ill?

No. It's much more stupid and absurd than that.

He was a fighter pilot. Really.

A great dancer and a very good fighter pilot.

But he crashed.

A mid-air collision at tremendous speed.

A one-in-a-million chance in the lake district.

It was a beautiful day.

But then, I suppose it usually is.

Not that that makes it any easier.

- How old was he? - 33. Christ died at 33.

Rather more painfully, I suppose.

What did you do when it happened?

Went to pieces. The usual.

Then after a while, you start to put your life back together again.

Martin always used to say that.

Life's a silly old business.

You fall down, you get up.

Literally, in my case.

Had you always been in the theater?

Oh, no. I was in the services.

Service family. R.A.F., of course.

Theater's all a lot of nonsense.

Spare-time stuff if you had to.

Martin was different, though.

He always believed I could be a grownup actress.

I think you're a very grownup actress.

O, my offense is rank.

Can you rehearse on something harder?

So full of artless jealousy is guilt.

It spills itself in feeling to be spleat.

In sleeving to be feet.

If...oh, god. If I don't get through that sentence again

I'll lose a filling.

- Die! Die! - Unh! Ahh! Oh! - Die! Die!

Ah! Eh! Oh!

Ah. Ah. Ah.

Where would you like it?

I mean, when I stagger out dramatically from behind the arras?

It could be anywhere with Hamlet at this stage.

He hardly knows his arras from his elbow.

(Both): Ho ho.

Go, captain... from the great Danish king.

Tell him

that by his license,

Fortinbras craves the conveyance

of a promised march over his kingdom.

You know the rendezvous.

Tom, I just don't get it.

Norwegian, darling. Norwegian.

All those fields and little mount herrings.

They walk differently, they talk differently.

They do come from planet Earth.

This isn't easy, Joe.

And Guildenstern, and Guildenstern.

And Rosencrantz, and Rosencrantz.

My honored lord, my most dear lord.

My honored lord.

What have I done?

HAMLET OPENING XMAS EVE

(Joe): Well, that was an extraordinary first week.

No one said it would be easy.

It's a big play, and we've covered every scene...

In shit.

And that in itself is a great achievement.

Now, I think we have to worry a little less about the exterior of these characters.

The clothes, walks, and accents, et cetera,

and concentrate a little more on each individual's needs, their drives.

What is it they want and need.

Why they do what they do, not how.

The how will take care of itself if we ask always, "why, why, why?"

Believe me, darling, I've been asking.

Now, if we can use that energy, that hunger,

the very hunger that has brought us here

for this unique opportunity,

I think you'll find that the play will give you back a great deal.

You have to trust yourselves.

We have to trust ourselves.

You have a great deal to offer.

Both to each other and to the audiences,

and do remember, please, it is only the end of the first week.

Yes. The problem is, love, there is no second week.

We have 4 more days before the technical rehearsal,

one dress rehearsal on Christmas eve afternoon,

- and on in the evening. - Yes. We've set ourselves a challenge.

That there is no doubt, but at Shakespeare's own theater

a 6-week season would have produced

35 performances of 17 different plays,

including at times 4 world premieres.

So, as Polonius says,

"sometimes brevity can be the soul of wit."

I don't think we ought to lose our nerve.

Bloody difficult, isn't it, old Sally Shakespeare?

- Especially for us new girls. - Join the club, love.

Oh, but you've done it before.

Never. Just seems that way.

Oh, you minx. You're full of surprises.

I know, love. Just an old bullshitter.

Always wanted to do the classics, of course.

Used to read about the old Shakespeare companies, you know?

8 plays in 6 days.

Traveling from town to town on a Sunday.

Hundreds of people waving the actors off from the platform.

So romantic.

Unfortunately, I was born out of my time.

When I joined the business, all that was gone.

It was divided in 2. There was the proper theater,

you know, Stratford and all that.

Then there was commercial stuff. Well

a little suburban boy like me had no chance of the tights

and fluffy white shirts.

I was straight into understudying old men and "anyone for tennis."

- So, you haven't really done any Shakespeare? - No.

- Must be a bit nervous. - Total brown trouser job, love.

You can't show the young ones your fear, so

- you cover up by being a crappy old git. - Well, you're very convincing.

Mmm. Well, we all have our crosses to bear.

Mind you, you know, I do feel as though I've done it before...the classics.

Through people like Irving and Kean.

I adore Irving.

You know about him?

Darling, just 'cause I'm in a frock at the end of the pier

doesn't mean I don't have a grasp for theatrical history, yeah?

- He was amazing, wasn't he? - Yeah!

Oik, just like me.

A stammer, a limp, every disadvantage.

And yet, the first actor ever to be knighted.

- And he died with his boots on. - That's right. In harness.

On tour in Bradford. What a way to go.

Mind you, I've died in Bradford a few times.

Oh, god.

God, how weary, stale, flat,

and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world.

That's not bad, Sir Laurence.

Well, I understand how he feels, Vivien.

Oh, Christ. What are we gonna do? I mean,

this was all so carefully worked out.

I mean, based on, and let's face it,

an optimistic turnout of 300 people a night

for 7 performances, making an average donation...

- Donations? - Well, we can't charge proper ticket prices.

That's not what it's about. Anyway, look,

making an average donation of £2.50,

that's £750 per night,

which makes it 5,250 for the run, less £2,100

for production budget and rent, that's £100 per week, per person

profit share, hopefully, for 3 weeks for 8 people

less £150 for first-night drinks and Christmas dinner,

less £600 for food and utilities. Anyway, that brings it all back to nothing,

and it certainly doesn't match up £700 for production week rent.

And anyway, that was based on an idea of box office advance cash supply

from which I could borrow money instead of my credit card,

which is now kaput.

Spatch to the rescue, chief.

Fadge did the board, I ran off the flyers on my computer.

I'm gonna trail the streets of Hope.

You give me the tickets, I'll sell some live.

- Oh, that's fantastic! - Great!

I also have a booking at Chelford Castle.

- What, the ruin? - Part ruin, part country hotel.

After your time, love. The beginning of the attempted

yuppification of the area.

A smooth blend of ancient monument,

and leisure facility. Didn't work.

Oh, but the hotel does, for Christmas, anyway.

It's fully booked, and they are about to get

my occasional cabaret act of crooning and conjuring.

- Might sell some tickets for Hamlet. - Or my middle name

isn't fabulously talented and modest.

Oh, Vernon, I love you.

- In a platonic way, obviously. - Obviously.

But then, you do have a lovely ass.

This is the very coinage of your brain,

this bodiless creation ecstasy is very cunning in.

Ecstasy! My pulse, as yours, doth temperately keep time

and makes as healthful music.

It is not madness that I have uttered.

Mother, for love of grace,

lay not that flattering unction to your soul

that not your trespass but my madness speaks.

It will but skin and film the ulcerous place

whilst rank corruption mining all within infects unseen.

Confess yourself to heaven! Repent what's past!

Avoid what is to come!

Oh, Hamlet, thou hast cleft my heart in twain!

I'm sorry, Joe. I can't go on.

No! It's terrific, it's terrific. You must...you must

you're just avoiding confronting as an actor, that's all...that's all.

Look, you have to feel her guilt.

You have to confess to your son.

I tried. I tried. He wouldn't listen.

Joe.

(Joe): What?

A bit close to home, love.

- When? - When I was 17.

The only time I've been with a girl, before or since.

- Just once? - I know. Bull's-eye.

This girl wasn't firing blanks.

What did you do?

Well, I was already halfway to running off to the circus,

if you know what I mean.

She was determined to have the kid.

Not that I'd have known what to have done even if she hadn't been.

Once she found out that I kicked with the other foot,

she'd have had nothing to do with me anyway.

Do you know where they are?

They're with family, love. Kids, too.

They get a bee in their bonnet

or turn into Sherlock Holmes

when it comes to their real mummy and daddy.

Christmas eve. Bradford, as it happens.

Puss in boots. 4 years ago.

What happened?

Well, it was a bit like that last scene we just did.

Not quite such a good script.

I'd abandoned him and his mother, who he hates for hiding me.

He was ashamed of my job, of what I was.

Am.

Never wanted to see me again.

- No surprises. - He must have been very upset.

- So was I. - Have you seen him since?

Oh, I've written to him.

I get the occasional card.

The thing is, Henry,

this play brings it back more than I'd have thought possible.

Shakespeare wasn't stupid.

Families, you know.

- They don't work, do they? - I don't know, love. Never had one.

Always fancied one, but never worked out.

I'll never be able to go on.

Yes, you will. We both will.

(Tom): Thought and afflictions.

Passion. Hell itself. She turns to...

Has anyone seen a bottle of lemonade?

I believe I've got a bit of a sore throat.

- Lemonade? - Yes, lemonade.

What's your problem, buster?

Ok let's go again from Ophelia's song, and please,

give this scene the intensity it deserves.

You're all shying away from the power of this play.

Now, this scene is about loss.

The loss of sense. Ophelia's madness.

The loss of a sister. The loss of a relationship

between Gertrude and Claudius,

and crucially, the loss, and the death of someone

you have all, in your own ways,

experienced a profound love for.

Now that's a human emotion we can all share.

That's where we connect with the audience, in Hope or wherever.

We have to believe that you have suffered such a loss.

Oh, god! I'm sorry, Nina.

No, you're perfectly right, Joe. We must imagine the reality of it.

I'm fine.

All right. Let's go again from that point.

And will he not come again.

And will he not come again.

No, no, he is dead.

Go to thy deathbed.

He never... will come... again.

I'm sorry.

Do you see this?

Oh god.

(Margaretta): Darling, if I start now, it'll just be an open drain.

You made ridiculously optimistic calculations

based on an income that simply doesn't exist.

It will.

Well, when it does, then I'll forward you some cash.

Have you anything exciting to tell me?

Well, it looks like Dylan's blown it, darling.

They start shooting in L.A. on Boxing Day,

and she hasn't even had a costume fitting yet.

The producer, Nancy Crawford herself, no less,

is in town reccing foreign locations. She is going mad.

Couldn't you just get me a week of those expenses?

Darling, you're under too much pressure.

Why don't you take Sunday off and relax?

Remember, it's Christmas. You could write to Santa.

(Joe): Let's start again now.

Go, captain. From me greet the Danish king.

Tell it... Sorry.

Got nervous, darling.

It's just not possible!

I'm playing 400 parts.

You won't allow me to do a single accent.

And I've got a captain here who can't walk in a straight line.

Now, steady on.

Now, if you could only do that, love, we'd be fine!

Joe, I am committed to this project 132%. You know that.

Everything that I am as a human being is here.

I bring it in every morning. It's yours.

My energy is always positive energy,

physically, intellectually, and... thing me.

But all I ever get back from people is ridicule.

Let's all have a cheap joke at Tom's expense.

Well, that's fine, you know. That really is,

really perfectly all right, because my shoulders are broad.

I, um, I-I-I've kept my own peace,

- and I haven't gone to my agent. - He hasn't got an agent.

Yes, I have! Shut up! Shut up, will you?

You see, it really isn't fair.

It's just... it's just too much.

Ok. I'm sorry, Tom. Very sorry.

I'm sorry, too, Joe.

Sorry, everyone.

It's fine.

Vernon, please... I'm...

Start again.

You know, I love this man.

Go, captain. From me...

You see? It's hopeless!

Absolutely hopeless!

Everything we do from wiping our ass

to fluffing our lines has to be on camera!

Can't we work in private for once?

Why does everyone have to see behind-the-scenes these days?

I mean, whatever happened to all the bloody mystery?

I am recording our history, love.

It was discussed. Right, Joe?

And I think it's the least I deserve.

I am the only person

- who's gone off his ass to sell this show. - Always vulgar.

Do you want anyone to see this, or would you rather...

would you rather do your bloody stupid accents

- in front of the mirror? - All right! That's it!

That is it!

- What do you mean? - I mean the play's over!

Finito! Walk away! End of story!

Kaput! Cheerio!

You don't really mean that.

Well, what's the point, you know? What's the fucking point?

Look, you're a perfectly decent bunch of people.

You know, you're a group of actors

with all the normal insecurities and vanities,

but basically, you know, I know you want to be here.

I know we all want to do what's best for the play,

but look at us. I mean, we argue, we're depressed.

I mean, we've set ourselves too big a target.

You know, it's all too personal for us all.

It's a big play, we keep running up against it,

and we're hurting ourselves, and I, for one,

no longer know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.

- I don't know this. - That's not true.

The miserable facts are, we've run out of time to rehearse this,

we have no audience, we have no design.

I'm sorry, Fadge, but, um, that's true.

And because I don't have the money to pay for it,

we do not even have this venue for the run of the show!

This whole idea, and, oh god, I can see it now.

No offense, Molly, but it's just pointless.

Churches close and theaters close every week

because, finally, people don't want them.

The Hope Hamlet is a loser!

Led by the chief loser, yours truly,

and, you know, circumstances just force me to ask myself,

I mean, not only what is the point

in carrying on with this meaningless shambles,

but as the yuletide season takes us in its grip,

I ask myself, what is the point in going on

with this miserable, tormented life?

I mean, can anyone tell me? Please.

What makes this fucking life worth living?

I think you're just projecting negativity.

And I think it's really unfair on Fadge.

It's all right, Tom.

- Rachmaninoff. - What?

A bit in Brief Encounter.

And Brief Encounter, actually.

That makes life worth living.

I'll buy you the video for Christmas.

Thinking of Tim being happy.

Who's Tim?

My son.

Oh, shit, do we all have to do one?

- Oh, shut up, Carnforth. - (Carnforth): Sorry.

Look, Joe.

I might be speaking out of turn, but I feel...

I think we all feel that,

well, some of what you say is true.

But we've come such a long way.

It's certainly worth one more go.

Why don't we call it a night and have one run of the play tomorrow morning.

- Hear, hear. - At least do that, eh?

Just for us... Hey?... Boss?

What is it, Molly?

You.

You're my brother.

You make life worth living.

You make my life worth living.

So, that says enough.

Why must the show go on?

Now, why not announce the closing night of it?

The public seem

to hate the sight of the dear and so.

Why you should undergo

such a terrible strain, we'll never know.

We know that you're sad,

we know that you've had a lot of storm and strife.

But is it quite fair to ask us to share

your dreary private life?

We know you're trapped in a gilded cage,

but for heaven's sake, relax and be your age.

Stop being gallant and don't be such a bore.

Pack up your talent

there's always plenty more.

And if you lose hope

take dope and lock yourself in the John,

why must the show go on?

I'm merely asking,

why must the show...

Go. Let the soldiers shoot.

Go on?

That was terrific!

- Molly, it's really starting to come out. - Wasn't it amazing?

It was so exciting. I'm so proud of you!

I'm nearly there, Joe. I haven't

quite hit on the right era yet,

but we'll hack it out during the tech, I can feel it in my nips.

- Joe, do you realize how bloody good you are? - Brilliant!

- You are so bloody good. - You were fantastic.

Enough about me, darling. What did you think of my performance?

- No empathy! - Ha!

Here. Come here.

It was just like everything I had hoped would start up.

- Oh, Joe! - Well done! I just wish that you...

Joe. Before you say anything else,

we've talked to Molly about the financial situation.

And we feel, the company feels that

we should help out, so, anyway, we've had a whip-around,

and everyone's put in what they can,

which, I'm afraid, isn't nearly enough, but, um...

- Fadge has sold her van. - Never mind.

- What? You sold your van? - Yes.

But you keep everything in it... your lights and your costumes and props and...

They'll hold onto it till the New Year.

If the play succeeds, I'll buy it back.

Oh, folks, thank you.

- Do you mean this is... - We paid it in this morning, Joe.

- The show can go on. - Hooray! - Ha!

I just...I don't know what to say, you know?

- I just...I'm...I'm... - A talentless git?

Oh, yes. Certainly. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, god, I'm laughing, and I think I'm gonna cry.

Don't do that. We all have jobs to do.

The technical rehearsal is first thing tomorrow morning.

Now, Fadge has got half of us on lights and sound

and blacking out the windows, and the rest of us

are going into Hope this afternoon to find our audience.

- That's fantastic. - But first, a drink?

- Oh, yes! - And some music. - Yay!

ACT III - Another opening, another show! -

(Carnforth): Who's there?

No, Carnforth. Remember, as we discovered in rehearsals.

(Carnforth): No. I mean, who's there? I can't see a thing.

Oh. Sorry, Carnforth. Hey, well done, though.

I really believed you the second time there.

- Vernon. - Yes, love?

Yeah. Hey, a little more definite with the gong.

It really sets up the tone of the play.

(Vernon): Well, it would help if there wasn't quite so much smoke back here.

I keep worrying I'm gonna bump into Jack the Ripper.

He's gonna think I'm the man from the Rank Logo.

Well, can't someone else do the gong?

Well, Nina's blind enough as it is

without having to bang a gong in the mist.

Carnforth's on, Tom's on in a second,

- and you're out there. - What about Henry or Terry?

You look wonderful.

You look gorgeous.

Um, Fadge.

Teething problems, darling. That's why we rehearse.

(Joe): Yeah, sure. No problem with that.

It's just that we've spent all morning on this,

and we haven't got beyond the "who's there?"

And that's a question I fear many of the audience will be asking

- if the smoke's this thick. - Opening image, darling.

- Turn this off. - Understood.

Any final decisions about props or costumes?

I've got till the end of the tech, haven't I?

- (Joe): Yes. - Let's remain open.

All right, then. Let's go from the last line of the previous scene.

Ready to bring on the throne.

Tom, give us your last line.

You can say it from offstage for now.

Stand by, elec. Stand by, sound...

And cue Tom.

(Tom): Let's do it, I pray, and I this morning know

where we shall find him most convenient.

Go, elecs. Go, music.

That's good. Vernon on first.

Check out the audience

as if it's the imaginary cord.

Excellent. Get!

Very good to hold her hand.

Keep her out of trouble. That's good, and...

Now the king of...

- What do you think, darling? - Not bad, eh?

Ok. Just, uh, let's just hold it there.

Um, do you know, I think this is not a bad time

to have an informal chat about costume and makeup.

Uh, let's break for tea there. Back in an hour.

Um, Henry and Terry, a little word in your ear.

What's with him?

Don't know, love. It's as good as a fucking guess.

I doubt likely it's about anything.

Fuck all, darling.

(Fadge): It wasn't me!

Joe. Could you call your agent?

I'll be right with you.

I just popped down to the post office,

and the landlord said there was a message for you to call your agent.

The landlord at the post office?

Uh, yes, it's a technical term.

I believe it came in with privatization.

- Anyway, urgent. - All right. Wait a minute.

It's the day before Christmas eve. There are no agents working.

Oh, yes. That's it. Can you call her at home?

Is there a message? Because I could always...

I think you should work on your rotational movement exercises.

- Ok. - Carnforth.

Don't drink.

You don't need to.

And 1, 2, 3.

And Guildenstern. My honored Lord

So, how many does that make?

Well, I've got a party of 10 kids from the school coming down, £3 a head.

Most of them have a bloody miserable Christmas anyway.

- What, so even this old pilot sauce is better than nothing?

- No! - Only teasing.

I won't know till tomorrow night

about the crowd from Chelford Castle.

- They're a bit overexcited. - Why?

They got this film company coming to do a location reccy there

tomorrow morning, very last minute.

But if they use the castle,

the hotel's the best place to book the crew in.

- Quids-in for the landlord. - At last. Exactly.

So you can imagine that coming to see Hamlet

is a lot lower on his list of priorities.

We could do with his crowd tomorrow night, mind you.

It'd swell the coffers. Anyway, I'm still working him over.

- How? - Well, this film's futuristic, apparently.

They're doing the interiors in America

and cheap locations in Europe.

They want the castle to be the ruins of an ancient city

- on the planet Zarboc. - Mmm. Sounds lovely.

So I told him to greet the producer

in an R2-D2 party hat and a homemade Star Trek uniform.

- He loves crimpling. - Exactly.

- Oh, flippin' heck. - Come on.

Oh, thanks for doing all this, Vernon. You've been a rock.

This has been the weirdest Christmas holiday

from school I've ever spent.

And every time I think I'm going slightly potty,

I just look at you.

I...I mean, I mean, nothing seems to phase you.

Well, it doesn't if you're needed. I like being needed.

A new experience for me.

I should make a film about it.

Being needed.

Can I be in it?

(Margaretta): It is astonishing, darling!

Only Nancy Crawford could afford to do it.

Of course it makes sense in the long run, but it's true.

They want you for the 3 pictures, guaranteed. Guaranteed, Joe.

- But what if... - They have to pay you, darling,

even if they don't make the second two.

Now, you'll get more up front, but no back end, and I'm gonna fight

for a cut of the merchandising.

Of course, we can't hold them to ransom

if the first picture's a monster hit,

but we do get 3 years' money

and 6 months a year employment guaranteed.

And a concept that could be Star Wars all over again!

And you're certain Dylan Judd is out of the picture?

Darling, she has shot herself in the foot,

bottom, and, most crucially, the brain.

So greedy.

And remember, they still have that videotape

of your audition from all those months ago.

They need character for these sidekick roles.

Particularly, if you're in a suit of latex for all those hours.

Oh! I'm...I'm speechless!

Oh, Christ, look, Mags, I'm gonna have to run.

Can we talk about it when you come down?

I'll see you for the show. Thanks, Mags!

But, Joe!

Joe, we have to talk. Joe, we have to talk!

We have to talk about start dates!

Shit! Start dates and travel arrangements!

Joe, Joe!

Peace offering.

I think you're both fantastic.

- Naughty girl. - Bad person.

Now, you trust me on this makeup issue. You look great.

He's right, of course.

We did look like 2 silly old tarts.

You can't make time stand still, Henry.

Those days have gone forever.

I suppose so. Fun though, wasn't it?

Oh, yes, it was fun.

- (Carnforth): What's all this, then? - A bribe from the boss.

Oh, that's very sporting of him.

Yeah. Do you think it's the equivalent

of Nero fiddling while Rome burned?

Oh, hardly.

Only joking, Carnforth. Lighten up.

Well...

I suppose I would, love, if I didn't feel such an 8 billion% twit.

Oh, still having a problem remembering the lines, are we?

The lines, the movement, the costume changes...

My bloody awful acting.

Betty bottle.

- What are you doing? - I'm making an audience.

- I beg your pardon? - Well, I've been completely pathetic up till now,

but I think I'm on to something at last.

If we don't get an actual audience,

I want to create a world for you.

You should at least have people watching you,

- even if they are cardboard. - That'd be brilliant.

They won't cough. I hate that.

That champagne has gone right to my head.

Is this wise before our first night?

These are unusual circumstances.

Yes, is your bank manager drunk, too?

I think he was encouraged by some Christmas good news

to review my overdraft.

Oh, you mean someone's bought a ticket

that we don't know, or he is actually drunk?

All in good time. Let's get the show on first

before we share the glad tidings.

- It's good to have a laugh, isn't it? - Oh, yes.

On the whole, we've got serious disease.

I know, but we are being treated for it.

We did take this job.

- Fadge. - Hmm?

I think... I could be funny with you.

You are funny with me.

In fact, I think we're funny with each other.

Come on. Let's get back to being humorless and intense.

We've got an audience to write. And reviews to make.

The thought of you, it's so easy.

Drives me mad.

Easy? What do you mean, easy?

- I love you. - What?

I love you.

Now, Vernon, don't think I'm not flattered, it's...

No. As an audience member I love you.

As a company member, I love you.

As a human being, I love you.

I can't help it. You've got charm, warmth, you're endearing.

You're honest about yourself,

about your faults, your insecurities.

I can't do anything about it. I love you.

I've loved you ever since the first time I saw you.

The audience can't help themselves, either.

You walk on, they love you.

Because you're yourself.

You're kind and vulnerable and...

well... nice.

- Do you really think so? - I do.

But you're so wracked with guilt

about your old ma's sacrifices that you can't even notice

that the audience rather likes you.

Or that you're a very good actor.

Well, I... I suppose not, no.

So I wouldn't worry too much about tomorrow, Carnforth.

Well, I must now be off to Bedfordshire.

Oops... Oh, wait.

- Good night. - Good night.

I think you should take her with you.

Where?

Wherever you go.

Wherever.

This is it. Yes.

Yes, I've got it now.

This is right, absolutely.

I've got it. I can make a decision.

Of course I can.

Make a decision. That's it. I've got it.

Yes, lord.

Go for it!

Darling, it is a nightmare!

(Joe): We're fine! It's a technical. They're always like this.

Don't worry. We'll go again from the entrance,

we'll lighten up on the smoke. It'll be all right.

Oh, Martha Moneyguts has changed her tune since yesterday, hasn't she?

She's happy now. We all look like TV weathermen.

All right, not bad at all. Not bad at all.

Listen, we were nice and relaxed.

Technically, we were remarkably smooth.

Fantastic, well done, Molly and Nina,

and everyone who's helped me out with special effects, that's great...

- (Margaretta): Joe! - Hello, Mags. - Thank god I found you!

You're early. We don't go up till 7:30 pm.

Look, everyone, this is Margaretta D'Arcy.

This is my friend, agent, and personal investor in the show.

- Darling, I must talk to you. - What?

- I've got to talk to you. - Yeah. Ok, yeah, sure.

I'll do the technical notes with you. Be with you in 2 minutes, 2 minutes.

(Molly): So, Vernon, you take the throne off

before the fight starts, ok?

- (Vernon): Ok, fine, no problem. - (Molly): Fantastic.

(Joe): I've an important announcement to make.

After over a year of spectacular unemployment,

ehm, during which as I'm sure you've all gathered

I've been pretty desperate,

uh, I...I not only have a job,

but, really, the job.

Yeah, a guaranteed 3-picture deal

in a new science fiction movie trilogy.

Th-the bad news...

I'm sorry, darling, but I'm going

to have to be the heavy here.

The bad news is that Joe has to leave tonight.

- Tonight? - Yes.

The producer, Nancy Crawford, is in the country

reccing foreign locations. She has a private jet

leaving Chelford airdrome at 8:00 pm.

They start shooting interiors in Los Angeles on Boxing Day.

Couldn't be more last-minute, but it's a wonderful opportunity for Joe.

And there really is no choice.

So I'm sure you'll all understand that there really is no choice.

Well...

She's right, Joe. There is no choice.

You've gotta go.

Congratulations, boss.

You saved the world from my nose just in time.

I'm sorry, Vernon.

There is no justice, and I hate you passionately.

Go for it, you swine.

I'm sure you'll get the chance to do it again, Joe, but

just in case,

I wanted to let you know that I had finally cracked it.

Don't go.

- Please don't go. - Come on, Nina.

But he can't. He mustn't.

Not just for us, but for him.

Darling, there is no comparison...

Yes, there is! 2 weeks ago we all met up

to start this adventure.

And much that we didn't care to admit it,

we're all in our various ways depressed.

Especially you, Joe.

But we needed this job,

this play, this experience.

And all through our ups and downs

and disagreements, we've continued to need it.

Yes, we do, Nina. Actors do, but... The world doesn't.

Finally, it's Shakespeare, and nobody's interested.

They're interested in Hope.

Look, this is all very good and all very overdramatic,

but it just isn't fair.

You could do this bloody play anytime, anywhere.

Look, Nina, Joe's only doing what most of us

would give our right arms to do.

(Joe): It means I can pay you all. It can be proper!

It doesn't have to be proper!

It's Christmas eve, for Christ's sake!

You should all be with your families!

We're with our family! That's what actors do!

That's what people do with what's left of Hope.

They hang on! They stick it out!

Now, they're here tonight for us, and we have to do this show for them,

and if you won't do it, well then...

Then I'll bloody well do it! I'll play Hamlet!

I practically know it now. It's better than canceling.

Everyone knows this is a weird production.

One more weirdo won't make any difference.

But this is our village! It's our home!

We can't let them down.

Well, that's marvelous, then! Isn't it?

We're all... tired and emotional.

You get off and catch that plane.

We'd all do the same, whatever we say now.

We're actors. We're beggars.

That's the way it works.

We'll do the show tonight with young mistress Molly,

and we'll drink to your health over Christmas dinner tomorrow.

Get a suntan.

- I'm sorry, Joe. - Yeah, sure.

- Nina. - You put your whole life into this, Joe,

right from the start.

You needed this job.

You needed it then, and you need it now.

I mean, it's not about fame or money

or so-called wealth and security.

It's about nourishing your soul,

nourishing your heart.

And that's what you deserve.

At the end of the day, however hard you hug that paycheck,

it won't be a person.

It won't be us.

It won't be me.

Go easy on yourself, old chap.

I'm afraid we can't all afford the luxury of nourishing our souls.

That's the prerogative of the romantics among us, I fear.

These things happen.

What does he say?

"If it be now, 'tis not to come."

"If it be not to come, it will be now."

"If it be not now,yet it will come."

"The readiness is all."

(Henry): Nina, listen! He's only human!

If that had been me at his age, I wouldn't

even have stopped to tell the company. I'd be on my way to the airport.

Yes, but he'd worked so hard!

And so have you! Which is why you mustn't let

a beautiful performance like yours

be spoilt because you're head over heels in love.

Who said I was in love? I just want what's best for him.

What's best for the company.

What's best for the company is for you to go out there and give

the best Ophelia the world's ever seen.

Yes, but he won't be there to see it!

- You think love's about being in the same place at the same time? - It helps!

So is doing your best for your loved one wherever they are.

It's much harder for him than it is for you.

You should pardon my language.

- What did your dad say? - Oh, he wasn't in.

Well, if I was your dad,

I'd say do this one for Joe.

Think of him and the pain he's in

and make him proud up there in his rather lonely airplane.

You've turned into an old sweetie, haven't you?

No, I'm still a miserable git,

and this is all a front to stop you

from messing up my performance.

All right, I'll think about it, you miserable old tart.

Push off.

This is so amazing.

Molly, you're actually living

the actor's nightmare. We all have it, darling.

Dreaming about going on in a major role

totally unprepared. It's so exciting.

Thanks, Tom. Oh, god!

Whoever said actors were sissies?

I don't know how you do it! God, I feel sick.

Don't worry, lovely.

If I ever forget my lines in Shakespeare,

I always say "crouch we here awhile and lurk."

- Always seems to do the trick. - Why? What happens?

Well, nothing, normally. But, you know,

provides a moment of intrigue,

gives you a chance to think of something, pick up a script, maybe.

The fight! If it all goes wrong,

um, drop the sword, take this off, and throw it at me.

Then I say "the boot, the boot was poisoned" and die.

- Brilliant. - That should work.

- Hello. - (Fadge): Hello!

Lovely. Anywhere you like. Thank you.

- Would you like a program? - Yes, please.

I'm sorry, we don't have any.

- Yes, we do. - Yes, we do.

- That'll be 50p, thank you. - That'll be 50p, thank you.

Any ice cream?

We have herbal teas, natural fruit juice,

organic rice cakes with balsamic chocolate,

- and straw. - But any ice cream?

What are you, a fascist!

Fadge, I've got some ice cream here in the cool box.

Vernon, you're a star. Yes, stay here.

Vernon, you're a star. I'm completely out of my depth here.

The paint's still wet on the throne,

Joe's costume won't fit Molly,

the smoke machine is probably down at the boozer with Carnforth

having a quick one before the show.

If I was any more nervous, I'd be very, very nervous.

You're doing wonderfully well. But tell me.

Are your nipples hard?

If they were any harder, Tom could do chin-ups from them.

False economy, not having a dresser.

My son's in this.

Playing about 15 different roles.

- One of them good, we hope. - Really.

Well, my dad's in it, too.

What's he playing?

I'm not sure.

(Fadge): One minute, please! One minute, ladies and gentlemen!

'Tis a far, far better thing that I do now

than I did that night with the sailor and the artichoke.

Oh, hush, mother, be wonderful.

(Vernon): Nina. Nina! Good luck.

They love me, you know?

That's the beauty of a private plane, isn't it?

They wait for you. We're all so thrilled.

- Does this guy bother you? - No.

- What's your name? - Mortimer.

He's doing a profile on me for London Times.

- That's a good paper, isn't it? - The best.

He figured it'd be good to cover me catching some art.

These are neat.

Take some of those and use them when we preview the movie.

Who's there?

But now, my cousin Hamlet and my son.

A little more than kin and less than kind.

How is it that the clouds still hang on thee?

Not so, my lord. I am too much in the sun.

Good Hamlet, cast off thy colored nightie

and let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.

Darling! Dorothy Drama has come to live with us in a big way.

Nancy Crawford has delayed her flight

to come see her new boy in action.

And she's got The Times with her.

We are going to be reviewed, darling, by a national newspaper.

So, he's just come back for the one performance?

Be reasonable, Nina. He saved the show,

he saved Molly from a nervous breakdown,

he saved us the chance of a wonderful notice.

I think it's shameful.

Nina, I...

I was going to be rather good, I thought.

I think you knelt beautifully.

A bloody, bawdy villain!

Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous,

kindless villain of vengeance!

Yes.

My lord, how does your honor for this many a day?

I humbly thank you, well.

My lord, I have remembrances of yours

that I have longed long to redeliver.

I pray you, now, receive them.

No, not I. I never gave you aught.

My honored lord, you know right well you did!

And with the words of so sweet breath composed

has made the things more rich.

Their perfume lost, take these again,

for to the noble mind rich gifts wax poor

when givers prove unkind. There, my lord.

(Audience): Ooh!

(Cast): Ooh!

Madam, how like you this play?

The lady doth protest too much, me thinks.

Oh, but she'll keep her word.

Have you heard the argument? Is there no offense in it?

No, they do but jest, poison in jest.

- No offense in the world. - What do you call the play?

The mousetrap.

What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me! Help! Ho!

(Polonius): What ho? Help!

How now? A rat! Dead for a ducat, dead!

(Polonius): Ohh!

Calmly, good Laertes.

That drop of blood that's calm proclaims me bastard!

- He's good. - He's with me.

What's his name?

Nina...uh, Newman. Tom...Tom Newman.

Put champagne on ice, love.

Joe will need a bottle of it dreadfully,

directly into the vein. Ohh!

If it'd have been any closer,

he'd have nearly got me. Where's the toilet?

What is a man if his chief good and market

of his time be but to sleep and feed?

A beast, no more.

(Audience): Ooh!

The rest... is... silence.

Now cracks a noble heart.

Good night, sweet prince.

And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

(Fortinbras): Go!

Bid the soldiers shoot.

- (Vernon): You were marvelous! - You were marvelous!

No, you were marvelous!

- You were marvelous, marvelous! - Carnforth?

Mum!

- Were you... did you? - I'm afraid I did.

And I'm very cross with you.

- Really? - Yes.

You broke my heart as Horatio.

I was in tears most of the evening.

- Really? - Yes.

- Would you like a drink, Mrs. Branch? - Yes, please.

Darling! It's a triumph!

Excuse me. God, you were good! Wasn't he? Yes.

Oh, Vernon, my boy, I'm...

Fadge, our designer. Thank you, darling.

- (Henry): Terry? - Yeah?

Visitor for you.

Christ.

Hello, dad.

Henry dropped me a line, told me what you were up to.

Well, it's not quite Puss in Boots in Bradford, is it?

Oh, you were very good in that.

I'm sure it's just as hard to do panto.

Oh, it is, love. It's a bit easier on the heartstrings, though.

- How's your, uh... - Oh, she's very well. She sends her best.

- Really? - Really.

We both got quite a turn from Henry's letter.

I...we both thought it... Time to be a little more...

Well, I'm just very glad I saw it.

I think you're a wonderful queen!

- In every way! - Cheeky bugger!

So, I have to get back. For Christmas eve and all.

- Of course. - But I'd like to bring mum

and me girlfriend. Next week, maybe?

- Yes, lovely. - Great. Well, look...

- I'll be off. - Well done, dad.

- I thought you were great. - Thank you.

(Terry): Good-bye.

- Thanks, Harry. - Henry.

Henry Wakefield, what the fuck did you put in that letter?

I told her you had cholera.

It's better taller.

Taller and chunkier. Chunky is good.

See, I can make a lot more value out of the spatial relationships.

Exactly, darling. Well, you know Shakespeare.

I mean, if you can get the spatial relationships right,

you can...it's... um, uh, often can be so much better.

I'll just go and file this. Editor's rather intrigued to have

a Shakespeare review in the panto season.

Thank you.

Oh! Champagne!

Look, Nina, please. Let me try to explain...

Ah, well, if it isn't the very sad Swedish person hisself.

Joe, this is Nancy Crawford.

Oh, hello. It was very kind of you to come to the play.

Yeah, well, I figured I'd check out any guy

who can turn me down like that.

I mean, he must be worth watching, however stupid.

- You said no? - Yes, before the show.

Rather disproves your theory from martyr central, doesn't it?

Still, as in all box office hits, we do have a happy ending.

I'd like y'all to meet the new Smegma.

And my own personal costume designer.

Oh, I love your little thin people.

- You do? - We're gonna base Smegma's look on some of these.

I mean, it was so neat.

The whole thing was like a Judy Garland movie.

You're gonna be great. I mean, taller is better.

We need your kind of physique, you know,

and all those different accents.

You have to get a lot of character under latex.

- Where are you from originally? - Norway.

That is great for the european investors.

And don't you worry, honey. I'll make sure he's naked

for the first 2 weeks of the shoot

so you have time for your costume concept.

You're gonna love Nathan. He's a wonderful designer.

He just couldn't find his Smegma.

Tom, you're playing Smegma in the new sci-fi film

Galaxy Terminus?

You are too quick for your own good, darling.

Well, I hope he is.

I don't need any more fuck ups on this role.

Do you have an out in your contract?

- Sorry? - Did your agent negotiate

a way for you to leave the show should such a thing happen?

- (Vernon): He hasn't got an agent. - Huh?

Yes, he does. And obviously we'll make

some compensation to the management.

We'll talk about it, Joe.

My. Well, we all have a plane to catch. Bob?

- Tom. - I'll be right along. - Uh-huh. Snatch?

Fadge. Right with you, boss.

And Mickey and Judy, you two were fine.

You keep it up, ok, kids?

For what it's worth, darling,

I thought you were a wonderful Hamlet.

- Do you have representation, Snot? - Fadge.

- (Nancy): Margaretta! - Coming, Nancy!

Here. Call me.

I think I'm going to faint.

Oh, god! This is all right, isn't it?

I mean, my work's done here, isn't it?

Molly can just as easily fill in for Tom, can't she?

Oh, no, of course it's all right. With the compensation,

we can hire someone to work the lights

and sell the tickets. No, look!

I'm just very pleased for you. Delighted. Really, I am.

(Terry): Just like a fairy tale.

(Henry): Bloody nightmare, more like.

- (Terry): Shut up. - (Carnforth): Oh, Nina, darling.

I just remembered. There's a visitor for you out front.

(All): Ooh!

(Terry): Tall, dark stranger.

Dad!

I can't believe it! I can't believe you came!

- Did you like it? Did you? - You were wonderful.

Oh, dad! This is my family...

I mean, my friends... and they're wonderful.

I want you to meet them all and...and this is the most utterly...

- Stupid. - Heroic man.

- I'm so proud of you. - Thank you. It's not often you turn down

lifelong financial security and a great career.

Oh, rubbish. You have a great career. And you have me.

- Really? - If you'd like.

Get his name on the dotted line, love,

he's a shifty git.

- Would you like to dance? - I thought you didn't dance.

I thought better of it. And, I reckon, if I play my cards right

I might get my leg over tonight.

Oh! I'm not just a fabulously attractive sex object, you know.

- Yes, you are. - Oh, fair enough.

Won't your dad be appalled by all this?

Oh, no, he knows all about you.

Check out his phone bill.

I think he's just accepted his last

reverse charge call from me.

Actors. They're all the same, aren't they?

(Henry): Oh, this is marvelous.

You know, despite my immense purity of soul

and being cleansed by my art,

I'm still gonna get depressed and mad.

Yes, but we can get depressed together. That's fun.

Aren't you always going to be optimistic?

No, I'm going to be miserable

and fatter than a huge saggy ox.

Oh, lovely. I can just feel it starting.

(Nina): Listen, everyone! Merry Christmas!

(All): Merry Christmas!