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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:11,946
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
2
00:00:13,171 --> 00:00:16,146
# It's Christmas time
In this house of mine
3
00:00:16,169 --> 00:00:18,220
# I hope it's wearing
Some trousers...
4
00:00:18,221 --> 00:00:20,212
# The years go by
And you don't understand
5
00:00:20,213 --> 00:00:23,188
# I've been stood
In a chestnut brazier
6
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:25,220
# You've been stood
in a chestnut brazier?
7
00:00:25,221 --> 00:00:28,156
# I've been stood
In a chestnut brazier
8
00:00:28,157 --> 00:00:31,153
♪ On the banks of the River Tee... ♪
9
00:00:33,069 --> 00:00:34,072
The River Tee!
10
00:00:34,099 --> 00:00:38,118
Step into Christmas with those
bulbous Teesside chestnuts. Yeah.
11
00:00:38,450 --> 00:00:41,465
Oh, I tell you what, Vic,
wearing these Christmas party suits,
12
00:00:41,466 --> 00:00:44,421
it reminds me of non-uniform day,
remember?
13
00:00:44,422 --> 00:00:46,425
Yeah, do you remember at school?
14
00:00:46,426 --> 00:00:48,461
When it was non-uniform day
and we turned up starkers?
15
00:00:48,462 --> 00:00:50,425
Remember that?
16
00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:52,441
We weren't to know, were we?
But it doesn't matter.
17
00:00:52,442 --> 00:00:55,477
Doesn't really matter...
They couldn't say it mattered.
Not when we're happy.
18
00:00:55,478 --> 00:00:58,481
Yeah, of course, no, I do remember,
and they sacked you, which was,
19
00:00:58,482 --> 00:01:00,430
I thought was strange.
20
00:01:01,446 --> 00:01:05,413
Because, you know, you WERE
the biology teacher, weren't you?
21
00:01:05,414 --> 00:01:08,457
Mind you, Vic, tonight... Eh?
..you look REALLY sophisticated.
22
00:01:08,458 --> 00:01:12,457
I am sophisticated, aren't I? Really...
Look, see that, look, ask me who I am.
23
00:01:12,458 --> 00:01:14,473
Yeah, sorry, who you are, yeah.
Who are you, mate?
24
00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:16,501
My name is James Bond.
25
00:01:16,502 --> 00:01:18,482
JAMES Bond.
26
00:01:20,410 --> 00:01:22,474
Ah? Yeah.
27
00:01:31,486 --> 00:01:35,465
Eh? I will take as many
portions of that as you've got.
28
00:01:35,466 --> 00:01:39,457
Go on, have a go, go on.
Can I have a go? Can I have a go?
Go and have a go.
29
00:01:39,458 --> 00:01:41,438
Thanks.
30
00:01:45,454 --> 00:01:48,441
You have to be wearing it.
31
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,473
Yeah, you have to be wearing.
32
00:01:49,474 --> 00:01:52,482
You knew that all along, didn't you?
Yeah. Yeah.
33
00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,422
Bob, follow me.
34
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,409
I'm behind you, sir.
35
00:02:04,410 --> 00:02:07,449
Presenting the Christmas tree!
View it at your leisure.
36
00:02:07,450 --> 00:02:10,469
At my leisure, I am viewing,
it's astoin-ishing.
37
00:02:10,470 --> 00:02:12,449
It is astoin-ishing,
isn't it? Isn't it?
38
00:02:12,450 --> 00:02:13,505
Ask me where I got the decorations.
39
00:02:13,506 --> 00:02:15,473
You got it at the garage,
didn't you?
40
00:02:15,474 --> 00:02:17,481
You know, the giveaway was
probably the sponge,
41
00:02:17,482 --> 00:02:21,437
but also backed
up by the jump leads.
42
00:02:21,438 --> 00:02:24,489
I've got a problem with it, I've got a little
bit of a problem with this. Yeah, what?
43
00:02:24,490 --> 00:02:26,409
There's no lights.
44
00:02:26,410 --> 00:02:29,442
Ah, that's where you're wrong.
Huh? Watch.
45
00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:38,409
Electric cigarettes from the garage.
46
00:02:38,410 --> 00:02:40,489
Hey, if we could get 30 chain
smokers in here,
47
00:02:40,490 --> 00:02:43,477
we'd have quite a display, wouldn't
we? It can be arranged. Yeah.
48
00:02:43,478 --> 00:02:46,437
So which garage did you get them
from? Well...
49
00:02:46,438 --> 00:02:47,498
You know...
50
00:02:55,450 --> 00:02:58,445
I got them at the pop-up garage,
Bob. Yeah.
51
00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:01,465
All the smoking techniques
covered there, Vic, I think. Yeah.
52
00:03:01,466 --> 00:03:03,477
The pop-up?
53
00:03:03,478 --> 00:03:05,505
The pop-up garage.
The pop-up garage?
54
00:03:05,506 --> 00:03:08,425
Yeah, it's basically,
it's just a big skip,
55
00:03:08,426 --> 00:03:10,461
filled with petrol,
with a tap on it,
56
00:03:10,462 --> 00:03:12,493
you know,
to help the Christmas motorists out.
57
00:03:12,494 --> 00:03:15,489
Oh, the Christmas motorists,
meandering around the country,
58
00:03:15,490 --> 00:03:18,437
looking for the relatives?
That's it. Do you know what?
59
00:03:18,438 --> 00:03:19,461
It reminds me of that,
60
00:03:19,462 --> 00:03:22,485
you remember that big Christmas hit?
Yeah. Do you remember it? Like...
61
00:03:22,486 --> 00:03:26,453
I'm driving round at Christmas...
62
00:03:26,454 --> 00:03:29,437
Just trying to find some relatives.
Yeah.
63
00:03:29,438 --> 00:03:33,413
But we've missed
the Preston turn off...
64
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,433
We'll have to go via Cockermouth.
65
00:03:35,434 --> 00:03:38,445
Driving around Cockermouth...
66
00:03:38,446 --> 00:03:40,498
..at Christmas!
67
00:03:45,490 --> 00:03:49,413
Hey, Vic.
I love your singing and the tree.
68
00:03:49,414 --> 00:03:52,489
It's so cool and powerful,
just like yourself.
69
00:03:52,490 --> 00:03:55,422
All right, Erik? Yeah, as if.
70
00:03:57,418 --> 00:03:58,421
Father,
71
00:03:58,422 --> 00:04:02,449
as you well know, you promised me
this fascinating bobble hat. Yeah.
72
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,469
I need you to confirm
that it is wrapped
73
00:04:04,470 --> 00:04:08,470
and ready for me to open tomorrow,
and wear on my head at dawn.
74
00:04:10,498 --> 00:04:13,441
Did you get it? It's all right.
75
00:04:13,442 --> 00:04:16,497
Well, I'll tell you what, Erik, you'll just
have to wait and see what Santa brings,
76
00:04:16,498 --> 00:04:18,449
but in the meantime,
77
00:04:18,450 --> 00:04:21,501
I've got a little early Christmas
present for you, Erik.
78
00:04:21,502 --> 00:04:23,473
Come on, come over.
79
00:04:23,474 --> 00:04:25,441
Christmas Eve, there you are. Er...
80
00:04:25,442 --> 00:04:26,502
Merry Christmas, Erik.
81
00:04:28,506 --> 00:04:30,485
There you go.
82
00:04:30,486 --> 00:04:32,409
Hope you like it.
83
00:04:32,410 --> 00:04:34,453
It's the men from One Direction,
yeah?
84
00:04:34,454 --> 00:04:37,457
And I thought you could like lay
them out on the pillow
85
00:04:37,458 --> 00:04:39,457
and pretend they were doing
a little concert,
86
00:04:39,458 --> 00:04:42,433
or you could take their
clothes off, wash them in your sink,
87
00:04:42,434 --> 00:04:44,493
and then put them
back on the dolls
88
00:04:44,494 --> 00:04:47,489
and I got you a nice magic magnet
there as well, so...
89
00:04:47,490 --> 00:04:49,433
..merry Christmas.
90
00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:52,449
Great present,
for a 12-year-old girl,
91
00:04:52,450 --> 00:04:55,458
or an old German woman
that has diarrhoea.
92
00:04:57,474 --> 00:04:59,493
Just get me that bobble hat!
93
00:04:59,494 --> 00:05:02,414
Because this is child abuse.
94
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,449
Glad you liked it, Erik.
95
00:05:06,450 --> 00:05:07,466
Eugh!
96
00:05:10,506 --> 00:05:13,445
I thought he'd have liked
the magnet, Vic.
97
00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:15,481
Hey, you did get him
that bobble hat, didn't you?
98
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:19,409
Oh, let's have a look, see what's on
the telly, shall we?
99
00:05:19,410 --> 00:05:21,485
Ooh, look at this,
this is good, isn't it?!
100
00:05:21,486 --> 00:05:24,437
My Half Tonne...
101
00:05:24,438 --> 00:05:27,429
Festive Arse with Kim Kardashian.
102
00:05:27,430 --> 00:05:29,437
Have you got the bobble hat?
What about this?
103
00:05:29,438 --> 00:05:31,465
Peter Andre's 89p Christmas Dinner.
104
00:05:31,466 --> 00:05:33,489
Yeah, did you get the bobble hat?
105
00:05:33,490 --> 00:05:36,437
Oh, this is a good one,
you'll like this one here, look.
106
00:05:36,438 --> 00:05:40,413
Inside Hitler's
Festive Bunker Sing-along.
107
00:05:40,414 --> 00:05:41,481
How about that?
108
00:05:41,482 --> 00:05:45,453
Do you know, Vic? I'm not actually
that keen on Hitler.
109
00:05:45,454 --> 00:05:47,485
Did you get me the bobble hat?
110
00:05:47,486 --> 00:05:50,449
Oh, look, here comes brother Bosh,
111
00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:52,473
clutching something
of potential interest.
112
00:05:52,474 --> 00:05:55,477
Hello, everybody, and it's a great
big warm welcome from me,
113
00:05:55,478 --> 00:05:58,429
and a very happy Christmas
to everyone involved
114
00:05:58,430 --> 00:06:01,422
in this year's Christmas, you twats.
115
00:06:02,490 --> 00:06:05,465
What's that you got there?
Oh, it's a jigsaw puzzle,
116
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:08,462
one million pieces!
Whiteout in the Pennines.
117
00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:13,437
It's a wintry snow scene of three
albino blokes
118
00:06:13,438 --> 00:06:16,486
drinking milk in a white
van in a blizzard.
119
00:06:22,502 --> 00:06:27,473
Ages eight to 80, allow three years,
brilliant, shall we?
120
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:30,473
No, we shan't, Bosh. You can more
or less eff off, actually.
121
00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:33,445
I'm discussing something
with your brother. Back upstairs.
122
00:06:33,446 --> 00:06:35,417
All right, no problem. My bad.
123
00:06:35,418 --> 00:06:39,425
I'll go upstairs and do it on my
tod. Hey?
124
00:06:39,426 --> 00:06:45,426
And fix this banister while you're
at it, Bosh. Roger! Banister.
125
00:06:48,470 --> 00:06:51,457
Well, that's all from me for now.
Join me later on in the show
126
00:06:51,458 --> 00:06:54,441
when I'll be carefully weaved
back into the plot somehow.
127
00:06:54,442 --> 00:06:57,453
Seriously though, Vic,
did you get Erik's bobble hat?
128
00:06:57,454 --> 00:06:59,426
Well, to be honest, Bob...
129
00:07:01,426 --> 00:07:03,481
..I couldn't be arsed...
You couldn't be arsed.
130
00:07:03,482 --> 00:07:05,501
..so I handed it over to Beef to
sort out.
131
00:07:05,502 --> 00:07:07,461
Yeah, and did Beef sort it out?
132
00:07:07,462 --> 00:07:09,501
Yeah, probably. Probably?
Probably.
133
00:07:09,502 --> 00:07:11,465
Vic, if Erik doesn't get his bobble
hat
134
00:07:11,466 --> 00:07:13,441
this Christmas will be ruined,
you know?
135
00:07:13,442 --> 00:07:15,425
Do you not remember what
happened last year
136
00:07:15,426 --> 00:07:18,502
when I forgot to get him his new
noggin' pouch? Do you remember?
137
00:07:27,478 --> 00:07:30,433
Oh, ho, ho, ho. Oh, ho, oh, ho.
138
00:07:30,434 --> 00:07:32,474
Oh, you forgot your upper body.
139
00:07:34,506 --> 00:07:37,489
Oh, Beef better come good on this.
Will you give him a ring?
140
00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:39,446
I don't want to marry him.
141
00:07:40,474 --> 00:07:44,453
No, Vic, can you just get on the
phone to him, please? No need. What?
142
00:07:44,454 --> 00:07:46,478
Because he's here now. Enter Beef.
143
00:07:47,494 --> 00:07:51,429
# It's Christmas Eve
and I've been flying with speed
144
00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:54,493
# Through the West End in my glider
145
00:07:54,494 --> 00:07:58,453
# I swoop
and I dive on the women I like
146
00:07:58,454 --> 00:08:02,449
# And pick them up with the claw
that's in the bomb
147
00:08:02,450 --> 00:08:07,441
♪ Hey! ♪
148
00:08:07,442 --> 00:08:10,417
Yes.
149
00:08:10,418 --> 00:08:12,505
All hail me...
150
00:08:12,506 --> 00:08:16,453
and my erotic Christmas costume.
151
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:19,497
I am a new kind of Santa.
152
00:08:19,498 --> 00:08:26,410
The Santa for the now generation
and, in particular, the ladies.
153
00:08:27,434 --> 00:08:31,438
Beef. Beef, the new Santa Christmas
has got nothing to do with sex.
154
00:08:32,474 --> 00:08:34,410
Yes, it has!
155
00:08:36,494 --> 00:08:39,417
Beef,
did you get Erik's bobble hat?
156
00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:41,457
What you say there, bredren?
157
00:08:41,458 --> 00:08:45,501
Well, I know him, but me like that
staff, tell me about him.
158
00:08:45,502 --> 00:08:48,493
Well,
this is my Christmas yuletide horn,
159
00:08:48,494 --> 00:08:52,437
made with a bit of you know what
with a special how's your father,
160
00:08:52,438 --> 00:08:55,434
and a sprinkling of going
anywhere, darling?
161
00:08:56,470 --> 00:08:59,425
Can I blow it?
No, you can't blow it, Beef,
162
00:08:59,426 --> 00:09:03,409
until you tell me
have you got Erik's bobble hat?
163
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:04,437
No!
164
00:09:04,438 --> 00:09:09,413
I left it to Julie, the only
female member of the cast! Julie?
165
00:09:09,414 --> 00:09:11,466
Yes! And she should be here right
now.
166
00:09:12,494 --> 00:09:14,458
She'll be here now.
167
00:09:17,438 --> 00:09:18,478
Now!
168
00:09:20,486 --> 00:09:23,433
# Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
169
00:09:23,434 --> 00:09:25,445
# Merry Christmas,
you two knob heads.
170
00:09:25,446 --> 00:09:27,481
# Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
171
00:09:27,482 --> 00:09:30,410
♪ Merry Christmas
we three knob heads! ♪
172
00:09:31,470 --> 00:09:35,465
Hello, boys! Hello, Julie. Vic?
173
00:09:35,466 --> 00:09:39,413
Is it time for our little cheeky
Christmas kiss? Ngh!
174
00:09:39,414 --> 00:09:41,409
Come on, do it, do it,
go on quickly.
175
00:09:41,410 --> 00:09:43,430
Just get it over and done with. Ooh.
176
00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:45,494
Oh, God!
177
00:09:50,498 --> 00:09:52,501
Now, that was amazing sex!
178
00:09:52,502 --> 00:09:55,486
Julie,
have you got the thing for Bob?
179
00:09:56,486 --> 00:09:59,429
Oh, yeah! Yeah, of course.
Yeah, look.
180
00:09:59,430 --> 00:10:04,417
I knitted it myself. Oh!
Oh, thank you, Julie. Mm. Yeah.
181
00:10:04,418 --> 00:10:07,497
Right, I'm going to display
it on Santa Claus. Yes.
182
00:10:07,498 --> 00:10:10,437
The one with the faulty wiring?
183
00:10:10,438 --> 00:10:12,425
Oh, Erik's going to love that.
184
00:10:12,426 --> 00:10:13,457
There nicely with Santa.
185
00:10:13,458 --> 00:10:15,477
Come on, let's get this party
started. Excellent.
186
00:10:15,478 --> 00:10:17,497
Can I blow my horn?
Yeah, of course you can.
187
00:10:17,498 --> 00:10:20,438
All right, little fella,
do the business.
188
00:10:21,482 --> 00:10:23,485
Yeah.
189
00:10:23,486 --> 00:10:25,482
OK.
190
00:10:39,498 --> 00:10:42,422
Merr...
191
00:10:43,506 --> 00:10:45,489
Ugh! Ugh!
192
00:10:45,490 --> 00:10:47,501
No!
193
00:10:47,502 --> 00:10:49,450
Erik's hat!
194
00:10:50,474 --> 00:10:52,474
Erik's bobble hat!
195
00:10:56,446 --> 00:10:58,457
No!
196
00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:03,485
No! No! Yes!
197
00:11:03,486 --> 00:11:05,457
Julie! Julie! Julie,
198
00:11:05,458 --> 00:11:08,413
you couldn't knit me another one,
could you, please?
199
00:11:08,414 --> 00:11:09,534
No, I've eaten all the wool.
200
00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:14,449
It's not a laughing matter you know,
Beef.
201
00:11:14,450 --> 00:11:15,502
It's borderline shitty!
202
00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:18,469
It really is.
203
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:22,501
You three had better think of a way
of getting a replacement bobble hat.
204
00:11:22,502 --> 00:11:24,481
I'm going to go up and see Erik,
205
00:11:24,482 --> 00:11:27,433
see if there's anything else
I can get away with giving him.
206
00:11:27,434 --> 00:11:30,469
Come on think, think. Mm. Oh, dear.
207
00:11:30,470 --> 00:11:32,477
Now, it's Christmas Eve,
all the shops are shut,
208
00:11:32,478 --> 00:11:35,445
so we're going to have to scour
the area and see if we can find
209
00:11:35,446 --> 00:11:41,434
anyone who's got a bobble hat like
it and get it, by hook or by crook.
210
00:11:42,498 --> 00:11:47,422
Right! Sounds like a job for Bosh!
Ah! Yes.
211
00:11:48,462 --> 00:11:53,433
Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
212
00:11:53,434 --> 00:11:56,413
Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
213
00:11:56,414 --> 00:11:59,458
Bosh!
214
00:12:03,442 --> 00:12:05,410
Erik?
215
00:12:09,454 --> 00:12:12,489
What do you want, Father? You moron.
216
00:12:12,490 --> 00:12:17,410
I'm only joking.
Oh, right. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
217
00:12:18,414 --> 00:12:20,425
Well, hi, Erik. Bosh! Yeah.
218
00:12:20,426 --> 00:12:22,449
You know the bobble hat was the main
present... Bosh!
219
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:25,425
..that you wanted for Christmas?
Yes, of course. Yeah. Bosh!
220
00:12:25,426 --> 00:12:26,453
I was just wondering
221
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:29,473
if there was maybe something else
that you would like? Bosh!
222
00:12:29,474 --> 00:12:31,501
Maybe a neckerchief, you know,
round your neck
223
00:12:31,502 --> 00:12:34,465
and tie it off with a little
flourish, maybe.
224
00:12:34,466 --> 00:12:37,430
Why would I want a neckerchief?
225
00:12:38,462 --> 00:12:42,445
Now I know when I join you
and your flowery pals
226
00:12:42,446 --> 00:12:47,482
at Soft Sands Milkshake Club, the
man with problem legs and diarrhoea.
227
00:12:49,434 --> 00:12:52,473
Bosh! Just get met that bobble hat.
Yeah, but, Erik,
228
00:12:52,474 --> 00:12:54,501
there must be something else
that...?
229
00:12:54,502 --> 00:12:56,454
Oh, maybe not.
230
00:12:58,438 --> 00:12:59,490
Maybe not.
231
00:13:04,478 --> 00:13:06,481
Well, that's what I think
we should do.
232
00:13:06,482 --> 00:13:08,461
So, what do you
think of the plan, then?
233
00:13:08,462 --> 00:13:13,413
Well, I think it's a long shot,
but it might just work. I love it.
234
00:13:13,414 --> 00:13:17,478
I think you're so clever. Fancy
a quick paddle up Dawson's Creek?
235
00:13:18,502 --> 00:13:22,414
No, thank you, darling.
Look, everyone...
236
00:13:24,442 --> 00:13:25,506
Look out, it's Tiny Tim.
237
00:13:27,438 --> 00:13:30,437
Look, everyone, we've got to get
another bobble hat, what's the plan?
238
00:13:30,438 --> 00:13:33,489
Well, it seems the only
person in the area with a bobble hat
239
00:13:33,490 --> 00:13:36,478
like the one that Erik wants is
Phil Collins, look.
240
00:13:40,414 --> 00:13:41,501
That's perfect, how do we get it?
241
00:13:41,502 --> 00:13:43,477
We're going to break in and nick it.
242
00:13:43,478 --> 00:13:45,461
You mean you actually know
where he lives,
243
00:13:45,462 --> 00:13:46,505
as in you know where he lives?
244
00:13:46,506 --> 00:13:50,489
Yes. He's converting an old
Happy Eater off the A19
245
00:13:50,490 --> 00:13:53,469
into his own personal dwellings.
246
00:13:53,470 --> 00:13:55,433
The old Happy Eater?
247
00:13:55,434 --> 00:13:57,437
I hope he didn't rip
the kitchen out,
248
00:13:57,438 --> 00:14:00,465
that would have been commercial
standard, you know.
249
00:14:00,466 --> 00:14:02,413
Well, eh, I'm right, aren't I?
250
00:14:02,414 --> 00:14:04,497
He still cooks the full menu every
day. I'm right, aren't I? Yeah.
251
00:14:04,498 --> 00:14:08,445
But apparently no-one turns up.
I'm right though, aren't I? Yeah.
252
00:14:08,446 --> 00:14:12,477
Is he right? Yeah. Oh, thank God for
that. Yeah. But Phil Collins' house?
253
00:14:12,478 --> 00:14:14,486
How can we break in there?
254
00:14:16,462 --> 00:14:19,465
So, there's a secret tunnel to the
Happy Eater
255
00:14:19,466 --> 00:14:22,481
that's used to remove fats
and residues from the premises.
256
00:14:22,482 --> 00:14:24,437
Now, as you can see,
257
00:14:24,438 --> 00:14:27,433
there's a secret access hatch
directly underneath this flat.
258
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:31,449
So, what I suggest we do is use this
tunnel to gain direct access
259
00:14:31,450 --> 00:14:33,450
to the Collins' household.
260
00:14:44,418 --> 00:14:46,457
Right. Well, let's do it then,
are we all agreed?
261
00:14:46,458 --> 00:14:49,465
Yeah! Thank you.
Julie?
262
00:14:49,466 --> 00:14:51,477
I reckon you should probably
stay here, you know,
263
00:14:51,478 --> 00:14:53,442
like, cos you're just a woman.
264
00:14:54,466 --> 00:14:56,445
Oh. What?
265
00:14:56,446 --> 00:14:58,413
Woman, am I?
266
00:14:58,414 --> 00:15:01,418
If I was a woman,
would I be able to do this?
267
00:15:03,490 --> 00:15:07,454
Oh, yeah, lovely! Very nice!
268
00:15:08,494 --> 00:15:12,438
Ooh, yes! Thank you very much!
I'll have some of that!
269
00:15:16,454 --> 00:15:18,422
Ooh! Ah!
270
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:35,493
Put your hair back on.
Just stick that on.
271
00:15:35,494 --> 00:15:38,417
Ooh!
272
00:15:38,418 --> 00:15:40,441
Do you know what, Julie?
273
00:15:40,442 --> 00:15:42,446
I think you should probably
come with us.
274
00:15:59,450 --> 00:16:01,409
Do you want a yoghurt?
275
00:16:01,410 --> 00:16:03,421
No, no, I'm all right, thanks.
276
00:16:03,422 --> 00:16:06,421
Any of you lot want a yoghurt?
I'm all right.
277
00:16:06,422 --> 00:16:07,506
Julie? What flavour is it?
278
00:16:09,478 --> 00:16:11,466
What flavour is it? Plain.
279
00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:13,497
Plain.
280
00:16:13,498 --> 00:16:16,454
Plain? Yeah.
Has he got thrush or something?
281
00:16:18,418 --> 00:16:21,409
Julie wants to know
if you've got thrush flavour.
282
00:16:21,410 --> 00:16:22,485
No, that's just plain.
283
00:16:22,486 --> 00:16:25,458
Yeah, just plain, Julie.
No. All right.
284
00:16:26,458 --> 00:16:29,450
I wanted banana flavour,
but they didn't have any.
285
00:16:32,478 --> 00:16:34,461
I say, Bosh,
286
00:16:34,462 --> 00:16:37,494
do you mind if I have a go
on the steering? Yeah, be my guest.
287
00:16:41,454 --> 00:16:45,493
I'll just come back, I'll come this
side to balance it out with Bosh.
288
00:16:45,494 --> 00:16:47,453
Oh!
289
00:16:47,454 --> 00:16:49,437
Oi!
290
00:16:49,438 --> 00:16:50,486
Ooh!
291
00:16:59,502 --> 00:17:02,426
Ghost!
292
00:17:08,498 --> 00:17:11,454
Oh! Get in the boat!
293
00:17:20,434 --> 00:17:21,454
Watch yourself.
294
00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:26,446
Yeah.
295
00:17:28,426 --> 00:17:31,438
What's going on up there? 'Scuse me?
296
00:17:33,430 --> 00:17:35,458
Right, come on. Let's get a move on.
297
00:17:44,414 --> 00:17:47,429
Hey! Sh! Lads and lasses and Julie.
298
00:17:47,430 --> 00:17:50,421
There's a shadowy figure up ahead,
can I destroy it?
299
00:17:50,422 --> 00:17:53,421
Do you think we should destroy this
fellow up here? Do it, shoot him.
300
00:17:53,422 --> 00:17:55,453
What do you reckon, Julie? Yeah.
Bosh? It's fine by me.
301
00:17:55,454 --> 00:17:58,410
Yeah, we'll go for it.
302
00:18:02,430 --> 00:18:03,497
Oh!
303
00:18:03,498 --> 00:18:09,413
If you're going to shoot him, don't
go and just shoot him! It's Santa!
304
00:18:09,414 --> 00:18:13,421
Hey, lads. All right, Santa.
What you doing down this tunnel?
305
00:18:13,422 --> 00:18:16,425
Oh, I just delivered the presents up
to West Bilbrey, you know,
306
00:18:16,426 --> 00:18:18,433
it's quicker through the tunnels.
307
00:18:18,434 --> 00:18:21,413
And, oh, did you know,
I just had a yoghurt?
308
00:18:21,414 --> 00:18:23,425
No. No, I didn't know that.
309
00:18:23,426 --> 00:18:26,434
Yeah, well, I have.
What flavour was it? Plain.
310
00:18:28,490 --> 00:18:30,485
Is that what you wanted? No.
311
00:18:30,486 --> 00:18:34,417
No, the wife had packed the bait
box, I opened it up, it was plain.
312
00:18:34,418 --> 00:18:35,470
And low fat.
313
00:18:36,506 --> 00:18:39,466
What was it you wanted, then?
Banana.
314
00:18:45,482 --> 00:18:47,454
Santa, do you still love her?
315
00:18:51,438 --> 00:18:53,461
No, I don't think so, no.
316
00:18:53,462 --> 00:18:56,461
We've been recommended
for counselling,
317
00:18:56,462 --> 00:18:58,502
but I just don't know
if I've got the energy for it.
318
00:19:00,462 --> 00:19:02,413
So, hold on.
319
00:19:02,414 --> 00:19:05,477
You think she deliberately packed
you plain, just to spite you, like?
320
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,426
Yeah, I do, yeah.
321
00:19:09,410 --> 00:19:11,417
I've got no proof.
322
00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,410
She's very clever like that.
323
00:19:18,502 --> 00:19:22,493
Hey, look. That must be the hatch
up into the Happy Eater.
324
00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:25,498
You know who lives there?
Phil Collins. Yeah, yeah.
325
00:19:27,462 --> 00:19:28,498
Hang on.
326
00:19:30,506 --> 00:19:32,501
It's his lounge.
327
00:19:32,502 --> 00:19:35,417
Right. Bosh and Julie,
328
00:19:35,418 --> 00:19:37,453
you stay here with the boat
and keep the engine running.
329
00:19:37,454 --> 00:19:39,489
Beef, Bob, you three come with me.
330
00:19:39,490 --> 00:19:42,489
You three? Who's the third one? Me!
331
00:19:42,490 --> 00:19:44,498
Oh, right. Go on, up you get, then.
332
00:19:50,446 --> 00:19:51,501
Do us, then.
333
00:19:51,502 --> 00:19:54,474
Sorry about your problem, Santa.
See you.
334
00:19:58,434 --> 00:19:59,465
I like your outfit.
335
00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:02,486
Santa for the now generation. Adios.
336
00:20:05,430 --> 00:20:07,421
So, Santa,
337
00:20:07,422 --> 00:20:12,449
I thought your beard were longer
than that. Oh, here we go!
338
00:20:12,450 --> 00:20:13,502
How many more times?
339
00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:17,417
I had it this long for one week,
340
00:20:17,418 --> 00:20:19,446
and that's
when somebody takes a photo.
341
00:20:22,466 --> 00:20:25,445
I've been saddled with
that for years!
342
00:20:25,446 --> 00:20:26,485
So, Santa,
343
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:29,461
which countries have you just been
delivering your presents to?
344
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:33,409
Ah, well, I've just come
back from Mexico. Oh, what fun!
345
00:20:33,410 --> 00:20:36,501
What presents do the Mexicans mainly
want, when they want presents?
346
00:20:36,502 --> 00:20:39,501
Well, pistols, sombreros,
ponchos, mainly. Santa,
347
00:20:39,502 --> 00:20:42,469
behave yourself, man!
Less of the stereotyping.
348
00:20:42,470 --> 00:20:45,458
Now I never had you
down for a racialist, you twat. Hey?
349
00:20:47,494 --> 00:20:51,449
I'm not racist, let's
look in the book under Mexico, look.
350
00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:55,433
Pistol, pistol, pistol, poncho,
pistol, it just goes on like that.
351
00:20:55,434 --> 00:20:58,409
Come on, Santa,
you can't say stuff like that. What?
352
00:20:58,410 --> 00:21:01,449
I'm not making this up, I'm just
reading from the book of letters.
353
00:21:01,450 --> 00:21:03,485
Are you sure you shouldn't
consider counselling?
354
00:21:03,486 --> 00:21:05,457
Yes, I am, and that's what SHE said.
355
00:21:05,458 --> 00:21:08,410
And I more or less told
her to eff off.
356
00:21:14,450 --> 00:21:17,473
He's playing his drums,
have a listen.
357
00:21:17,474 --> 00:21:21,441
Yeah. It's that famous beat,
you know, the chocolate one.
358
00:21:21,442 --> 00:21:22,498
He's coming. Quick.
359
00:21:23,506 --> 00:21:27,414
Get down, Beef. Down!
360
00:21:29,506 --> 00:21:31,485
Right, lads, so here's the plan.
361
00:21:31,486 --> 00:21:34,445
I'll turn the heating right up
so he's more or less forced to
362
00:21:34,446 --> 00:21:36,489
take his hat off,
and when he does, grab it and run.
363
00:21:36,490 --> 00:21:39,485
What do you reckon, Beef?
I think that is a good plan. Sh!
364
00:21:39,486 --> 00:21:44,413
No, I can't actually whisper. Oh!
It's best that I tell you that now.
365
00:21:44,414 --> 00:21:46,429
See that cup there? Yeah.
366
00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:49,417
I'm going to take that and throw it
so it's like a distraction and,
367
00:21:49,418 --> 00:21:51,437
when goes to pick it up,
I turn the heating right up.
368
00:21:51,438 --> 00:21:54,425
He didn't fancy that omelette.
Do you know, which is a shame really
369
00:21:54,426 --> 00:21:56,465
cos they're so nutritious, aren't
they, Beef? They are.
370
00:21:56,466 --> 00:21:58,418
Go on, do your cup.
371
00:22:13,438 --> 00:22:15,438
Ooh!
372
00:22:23,426 --> 00:22:24,458
Yes, yes.
373
00:22:38,414 --> 00:22:39,482
Turn it up, yeah. Yeah.
374
00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:44,418
Oof!
375
00:22:55,494 --> 00:22:58,430
How are we going to get out of here,
now?
376
00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:04,490
What about Turkey?
What do they have in Turkey?
377
00:23:07,438 --> 00:23:09,450
You're going to say I'm being
racist!
378
00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:14,454
But it's all requests for them
slippers with the curled up toes.
379
00:23:15,474 --> 00:23:17,421
As if, Santa!
380
00:23:17,422 --> 00:23:20,445
It is! That's all they're
asking for. Look in the book!
381
00:23:20,446 --> 00:23:24,421
Apart from one Mustapha Kebab
and he wants a fez.
382
00:23:24,422 --> 00:23:27,465
Ah, you know, that's not true,
now, Santa, is it? No. It is!
383
00:23:27,466 --> 00:23:30,469
Right, one, pick another one.
Australia.
384
00:23:30,470 --> 00:23:32,493
But you're going to say
they want didgeridoos.
385
00:23:32,494 --> 00:23:34,457
No, let's have a look. Australia.
386
00:23:34,458 --> 00:23:37,437
Rabbit-proof fence, rabbit-proof
fence, rabbit-proof fence.
387
00:23:37,438 --> 00:23:39,505
Ah, get over. All right look,
choose another country,
388
00:23:39,506 --> 00:23:42,441
and tell me I'm being racist.
389
00:23:42,442 --> 00:23:46,498
Poland! Sheet steel. Italy.
50/50 split hair gel, pizza shovel.
390
00:23:49,430 --> 00:23:50,490
Scotland. Bunion cream.
391
00:23:51,490 --> 00:23:53,417
Satisfied?
392
00:23:53,418 --> 00:23:56,433
Honestly, I tell the truth and I'm
a racist and if I don't I'm a liar.
393
00:23:56,434 --> 00:23:59,477
You know what? That's it, this
is my last year. I'm fed up with it!
394
00:23:59,478 --> 00:24:02,465
Right. Right, where next?
395
00:24:02,466 --> 00:24:04,429
India.
396
00:24:04,430 --> 00:24:08,434
Curry powder, curry powder... Don't!
397
00:24:11,506 --> 00:24:15,437
Comrades, he's dropped off,
so what I say we do is, we kill him,
398
00:24:15,438 --> 00:24:17,481
dissect him,
take the hat and retreat.
399
00:24:17,482 --> 00:24:20,413
What do you reckon, Beef?
He thinks we should kill him.
400
00:24:20,414 --> 00:24:21,449
I think he's right. Yeah?
401
00:24:21,450 --> 00:24:24,425
Well, let's kill him then, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah. Great.
402
00:24:24,426 --> 00:24:26,505
Right, what I'm going to do is take
this objet d'art,
403
00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:28,489
and grandly strike him
right in the face.
404
00:24:28,490 --> 00:24:31,413
No, no, you've got to hit him
as hard as you can.
405
00:24:31,414 --> 00:24:33,477
I will, all right!
All right, well, get on with it.
406
00:24:33,478 --> 00:24:34,498
I will.
407
00:24:38,498 --> 00:24:41,461
Come here.
408
00:24:41,462 --> 00:24:44,505
Stop that, it's got a sensor
pad on it. I know it's sensor pad.
409
00:24:44,506 --> 00:24:47,421
We need to remove the hat
without waking him.
410
00:24:47,422 --> 00:24:50,458
We'll just whip it off and we'll
clear off. I'll give it a go.
411
00:24:53,442 --> 00:24:55,445
Oh!
There's a sensor underneath.
412
00:24:55,446 --> 00:24:58,429
Yeah, we know there's a sensor,
don't we? We know about the sensors!
413
00:24:58,430 --> 00:25:00,482
All right!
I've got a sensational plan.
414
00:25:02,418 --> 00:25:05,505
We quickly remove the hat
and replace it with this succulent
415
00:25:05,506 --> 00:25:07,473
and heavy omelette.
416
00:25:07,474 --> 00:25:10,417
I'd like to do that,
can I do that? Yeah. Yeah.
417
00:25:10,418 --> 00:25:13,493
Oh, that's a nice touch, that.
Right, you two ready? Yeah.
418
00:25:13,494 --> 00:25:17,457
Three, two, one. Yes! Yes!
419
00:25:17,458 --> 00:25:19,474
Right, let's get out of here.
420
00:25:27,434 --> 00:25:29,481
Erik? There you are. Erik,
421
00:25:29,482 --> 00:25:34,449
how do you fancy an extra early
Christmas present? Oh, wow, yes.
422
00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:37,421
I get to kill you. No, no! Erik,
423
00:25:37,422 --> 00:25:41,474
what was the main present that you
really wanted? The bobble hat. Vic?
424
00:25:43,426 --> 00:25:46,445
Come on, Vic, the bobble hat. I'm
wearing it on my head, you dozy cow.
425
00:25:46,446 --> 00:25:47,453
Oh, no!
426
00:25:47,454 --> 00:25:49,469
It must have fallen
in the water in the tunnel
427
00:25:49,470 --> 00:25:51,469
when I was looking in the water
in the tunnel,
428
00:25:51,470 --> 00:25:54,477
to see if I could see my future
wife in the tunnel.
429
00:25:54,478 --> 00:25:56,453
Erik? Erik?
430
00:25:56,454 --> 00:25:59,413
He's lost your bobble hat,
it was nothing to do with me,
431
00:25:59,414 --> 00:26:01,502
you heard him.
Hello, lads! All right, Santa.
432
00:26:05,426 --> 00:26:07,506
Finished in two minutes,
that's Ritalin for you.
433
00:26:10,430 --> 00:26:12,489
I just found this on me way in and,
434
00:26:12,490 --> 00:26:15,453
being Santa, I know it's for this
little lad here.
435
00:26:15,454 --> 00:26:17,489
Yeah, Erik's bobble hat. Erik?
436
00:26:17,490 --> 00:26:20,454
It's Santa Claus with my bobble hat.
437
00:26:21,486 --> 00:26:25,445
Well, father?
Nice. Can we keep him? What?
438
00:26:25,446 --> 00:26:26,606
You know how much I love you.
439
00:26:30,442 --> 00:26:32,501
We could keep him in the cupboard
under the stairs. Cupboard?
440
00:26:32,502 --> 00:26:34,497
I don't know,
what do you reckon, Santa?
441
00:26:34,498 --> 00:26:37,445
Oh, it's fine by me,
the wife's just been on the blower,
442
00:26:37,446 --> 00:26:39,454
she's kicked me out. Cow!
443
00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:44,433
So this is my last night,
I'm jacking it in as Santa.
444
00:26:44,434 --> 00:26:45,481
Oh, you can't do that, Santa,
445
00:26:45,482 --> 00:26:48,453
what about the lovely little
children who want their presents?
446
00:26:48,454 --> 00:26:52,410
Well, I've got a replacement
in mind, it's him, he's perfect.
447
00:26:54,466 --> 00:26:58,481
There's me keys, and you can have
my air miles as well. Wow!
448
00:26:58,482 --> 00:27:03,478
At last, enough air miles for me
to return home to the moon.
449
00:27:05,430 --> 00:27:06,457
That's settle then,
450
00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:09,409
I'm moving in, I've just got one
last delivery to make.
451
00:27:09,410 --> 00:27:16,429
Where to? To Spain. I've got a lorry
load of mattresses. Mattresses? Yes.
452
00:27:16,430 --> 00:27:20,490
So they can sleep all day, you know,
like they do. Santa!
453
00:27:23,426 --> 00:27:24,506
All right, I'm a racist!
454
00:27:26,482 --> 00:27:30,498
Happy Christmas! Happy Christmas.
Thank you, Santa.
455
00:27:34,498 --> 00:27:39,482
Just one little cheeky little
chittle last little kiss? Ngh! Nn!
456
00:27:47,422 --> 00:27:50,445
Come on, Beef,
let's get this party started.
457
00:27:50,446 --> 00:27:52,494
Have you got the horn? Permanently.
458
00:27:55,486 --> 00:27:57,493
# What a lovely Christmas Eve
459
00:27:57,494 --> 00:28:00,433
# But what a waste of an omelette
460
00:28:00,434 --> 00:28:01,473
# I got my hat
461
00:28:01,474 --> 00:28:02,501
# I got my kiss
462
00:28:02,502 --> 00:28:05,442
♪ And I get to blow
the shit out of this... ♪
463
00:28:22,426 --> 00:28:24,458
Thank you. Thank you.
464
00:28:25,365 --> 00:28:35,840
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