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# It's Christmas time
In this house of mine

# I hope it's wearing
Some trousers...

# The years go by
And you don't understand

# I've been stood
In a chestnut brazier

# You've been stood
in a chestnut brazier?

# I've been stood
In a chestnut brazier

♪ On the banks of the River Tee... ♪

The River Tee!

Step into Christmas with those
bulbous Teesside chestnuts. Yeah.

Oh, I tell you what, Vic,
wearing these Christmas party suits,

it reminds me of non-uniform day,
remember?

Yeah, do you remember at school?

When it was non-uniform day
and we turned up starkers?

Remember that?

We weren't to know, were we?
But it doesn't matter.

Doesn't really matter...
They couldn't say it mattered.
Not when we're happy.

Yeah, of course, no, I do remember,
and they sacked you, which was,

I thought was strange.

Because, you know, you WERE
the biology teacher, weren't you?

Mind you, Vic, tonight... Eh?
..you look REALLY sophisticated.

I am sophisticated, aren't I? Really...
Look, see that, look, ask me who I am.

Yeah, sorry, who you are, yeah.
Who are you, mate?

My name is James Bond.

JAMES Bond.

Ah? Yeah.

Eh? I will take as many
portions of that as you've got.

Go on, have a go, go on.
Can I have a go? Can I have a go?
Go and have a go.

Thanks.

You have to be wearing it.

Yeah, you have to be wearing.

You knew that all along, didn't you?
Yeah. Yeah.

Bob, follow me.

I'm behind you, sir.

Presenting the Christmas tree!
View it at your leisure.

At my leisure, I am viewing,
it's astoin-ishing.

It is astoin-ishing,
isn't it? Isn't it?

Ask me where I got the decorations.

You got it at the garage,
didn't you?

You know, the giveaway was
probably the sponge,

but also backed
up by the jump leads.

I've got a problem with it, I've got a little
bit of a problem with this. Yeah, what?

There's no lights.

Ah, that's where you're wrong.
Huh? Watch.

Electric cigarettes from the garage.

Hey, if we could get 30 chain
smokers in here,

we'd have quite a display, wouldn't
we? It can be arranged. Yeah.

So which garage did you get them
from? Well...

You know...

I got them at the pop-up garage,
Bob. Yeah.

All the smoking techniques
covered there, Vic, I think. Yeah.

The pop-up?

The pop-up garage.
The pop-up garage?

Yeah, it's basically,
it's just a big skip,

filled with petrol,
with a tap on it,

you know,
to help the Christmas motorists out.

Oh, the Christmas motorists,
meandering around the country,

looking for the relatives?
That's it. Do you know what?

It reminds me of that,

you remember that big Christmas hit?
Yeah. Do you remember it? Like...

I'm driving round at Christmas...

Just trying to find some relatives.
Yeah.

But we've missed
the Preston turn off...

We'll have to go via Cockermouth.

Driving around Cockermouth...

..at Christmas!

Hey, Vic.
I love your singing and the tree.

It's so cool and powerful,
just like yourself.

All right, Erik? Yeah, as if.

Father,

as you well know, you promised me
this fascinating bobble hat. Yeah.

I need you to confirm
that it is wrapped

and ready for me to open tomorrow,
and wear on my head at dawn.

Did you get it? It's all right.

Well, I'll tell you what, Erik, you'll just
have to wait and see what Santa brings,

but in the meantime,

I've got a little early Christmas
present for you, Erik.

Come on, come over.

Christmas Eve, there you are. Er...

Merry Christmas, Erik.

There you go.

Hope you like it.

It's the men from One Direction,
yeah?

And I thought you could like lay
them out on the pillow

and pretend they were doing
a little concert,

or you could take their
clothes off, wash them in your sink,

and then put them
back on the dolls

and I got you a nice magic magnet
there as well, so...

..merry Christmas.

Great present,
for a 12-year-old girl,

or an old German woman
that has diarrhoea.

Just get me that bobble hat!

Because this is child abuse.

Glad you liked it, Erik.

Eugh!

I thought he'd have liked
the magnet, Vic.

Hey, you did get him
that bobble hat, didn't you?

Oh, let's have a look, see what's on
the telly, shall we?

Ooh, look at this,
this is good, isn't it?!

My Half Tonne...

Festive Arse with Kim Kardashian.

Have you got the bobble hat?
What about this?

Peter Andre's 89p Christmas Dinner.

Yeah, did you get the bobble hat?

Oh, this is a good one,
you'll like this one here, look.

Inside Hitler's
Festive Bunker Sing-along.

How about that?

Do you know, Vic? I'm not actually
that keen on Hitler.

Did you get me the bobble hat?

Oh, look, here comes brother Bosh,

clutching something
of potential interest.

Hello, everybody, and it's a great
big warm welcome from me,

and a very happy Christmas
to everyone involved

in this year's Christmas, you twats.

What's that you got there?
Oh, it's a jigsaw puzzle,

one million pieces!
Whiteout in the Pennines.

It's a wintry snow scene of three
albino blokes

drinking milk in a white
van in a blizzard.

Ages eight to 80, allow three years,
brilliant, shall we?

No, we shan't, Bosh. You can more
or less eff off, actually.

I'm discussing something
with your brother. Back upstairs.

All right, no problem. My bad.

I'll go upstairs and do it on my
tod. Hey?

And fix this banister while you're
at it, Bosh. Roger! Banister.

Well, that's all from me for now.
Join me later on in the show

when I'll be carefully weaved
back into the plot somehow.

Seriously though, Vic,
did you get Erik's bobble hat?

Well, to be honest, Bob...

..I couldn't be arsed...
You couldn't be arsed.

..so I handed it over to Beef to
sort out.

Yeah, and did Beef sort it out?

Yeah, probably. Probably?
Probably.

Vic, if Erik doesn't get his bobble
hat

this Christmas will be ruined,
you know?

Do you not remember what
happened last year

when I forgot to get him his new
noggin' pouch? Do you remember?

Oh, ho, ho, ho. Oh, ho, oh, ho.

Oh, you forgot your upper body.

Oh, Beef better come good on this.
Will you give him a ring?

I don't want to marry him.

No, Vic, can you just get on the
phone to him, please? No need. What?

Because he's here now. Enter Beef.

# It's Christmas Eve
and I've been flying with speed

# Through the West End in my glider

# I swoop
and I dive on the women I like

# And pick them up with the claw
that's in the bomb

♪ Hey! ♪

Yes.

All hail me...

and my erotic Christmas costume.

I am a new kind of Santa.

The Santa for the now generation
and, in particular, the ladies.

Beef. Beef, the new Santa Christmas
has got nothing to do with sex.

Yes, it has!

Beef,
did you get Erik's bobble hat?

What you say there, bredren?

Well, I know him, but me like that
staff, tell me about him.

Well,
this is my Christmas yuletide horn,

made with a bit of you know what
with a special how's your father,

and a sprinkling of going
anywhere, darling?

Can I blow it?
No, you can't blow it, Beef,

until you tell me
have you got Erik's bobble hat?

No!

I left it to Julie, the only
female member of the cast! Julie?

Yes! And she should be here right
now.

She'll be here now.

Now!

# Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!

# Merry Christmas,
you two knob heads.

# Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas

♪ Merry Christmas
we three knob heads! ♪

Hello, boys! Hello, Julie. Vic?

Is it time for our little cheeky
Christmas kiss? Ngh!

Come on, do it, do it,
go on quickly.

Just get it over and done with. Ooh.

Oh, God!

Now, that was amazing sex!

Julie,
have you got the thing for Bob?

Oh, yeah! Yeah, of course.
Yeah, look.

I knitted it myself. Oh!
Oh, thank you, Julie. Mm. Yeah.

Right, I'm going to display
it on Santa Claus. Yes.

The one with the faulty wiring?

Oh, Erik's going to love that.

There nicely with Santa.

Come on, let's get this party
started. Excellent.

Can I blow my horn?
Yeah, of course you can.

All right, little fella,
do the business.

Yeah.

OK.

Merr...

Ugh! Ugh!

No!

Erik's hat!

Erik's bobble hat!

No!

No! No! Yes!

Julie! Julie! Julie,

you couldn't knit me another one,
could you, please?

No, I've eaten all the wool.

It's not a laughing matter you know,
Beef.

It's borderline shitty!

It really is.

You three had better think of a way
of getting a replacement bobble hat.

I'm going to go up and see Erik,

see if there's anything else
I can get away with giving him.

Come on think, think. Mm. Oh, dear.

Now, it's Christmas Eve,
all the shops are shut,

so we're going to have to scour
the area and see if we can find

anyone who's got a bobble hat like
it and get it, by hook or by crook.

Right! Sounds like a job for Bosh!
Ah! Yes.

Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!

Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!

Bosh!

Erik?

What do you want, Father? You moron.

I'm only joking.
Oh, right. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Well, hi, Erik. Bosh! Yeah.

You know the bobble hat was the main
present... Bosh!

..that you wanted for Christmas?
Yes, of course. Yeah. Bosh!

I was just wondering

if there was maybe something else
that you would like? Bosh!

Maybe a neckerchief, you know,
round your neck

and tie it off with a little
flourish, maybe.

Why would I want a neckerchief?

Now I know when I join you
and your flowery pals

at Soft Sands Milkshake Club, the
man with problem legs and diarrhoea.

Bosh! Just get met that bobble hat.
Yeah, but, Erik,

there must be something else
that...?

Oh, maybe not.

Maybe not.

Well, that's what I think
we should do.

So, what do you
think of the plan, then?

Well, I think it's a long shot,
but it might just work. I love it.

I think you're so clever. Fancy
a quick paddle up Dawson's Creek?

No, thank you, darling.
Look, everyone...

Look out, it's Tiny Tim.

Look, everyone, we've got to get
another bobble hat, what's the plan?

Well, it seems the only
person in the area with a bobble hat

like the one that Erik wants is
Phil Collins, look.

That's perfect, how do we get it?

We're going to break in and nick it.

You mean you actually know
where he lives,

as in you know where he lives?

Yes. He's converting an old
Happy Eater off the A19

into his own personal dwellings.

The old Happy Eater?

I hope he didn't rip
the kitchen out,

that would have been commercial
standard, you know.

Well, eh, I'm right, aren't I?

He still cooks the full menu every
day. I'm right, aren't I? Yeah.

But apparently no-one turns up.
I'm right though, aren't I? Yeah.

Is he right? Yeah. Oh, thank God for
that. Yeah. But Phil Collins' house?

How can we break in there?

So, there's a secret tunnel to the
Happy Eater

that's used to remove fats
and residues from the premises.

Now, as you can see,

there's a secret access hatch
directly underneath this flat.

So, what I suggest we do is use this
tunnel to gain direct access

to the Collins' household.

Right. Well, let's do it then,
are we all agreed?

Yeah! Thank you.
Julie?

I reckon you should probably
stay here, you know,

like, cos you're just a woman.

Oh. What?

Woman, am I?

If I was a woman,
would I be able to do this?

Oh, yeah, lovely! Very nice!

Ooh, yes! Thank you very much!
I'll have some of that!

Ooh! Ah!

Put your hair back on.
Just stick that on.

Ooh!

Do you know what, Julie?

I think you should probably
come with us.

Do you want a yoghurt?

No, no, I'm all right, thanks.

Any of you lot want a yoghurt?
I'm all right.

Julie? What flavour is it?

What flavour is it? Plain.

Plain.

Plain? Yeah.
Has he got thrush or something?

Julie wants to know
if you've got thrush flavour.

No, that's just plain.

Yeah, just plain, Julie.
No. All right.

I wanted banana flavour,
but they didn't have any.

I say, Bosh,

do you mind if I have a go
on the steering? Yeah, be my guest.

I'll just come back, I'll come this
side to balance it out with Bosh.

Oh!

Oi!

Ooh!

Ghost!

Oh! Get in the boat!

Watch yourself.

Yeah.

What's going on up there? 'Scuse me?

Right, come on. Let's get a move on.

Hey! Sh! Lads and lasses and Julie.

There's a shadowy figure up ahead,
can I destroy it?

Do you think we should destroy this
fellow up here? Do it, shoot him.

What do you reckon, Julie? Yeah.
Bosh? It's fine by me.

Yeah, we'll go for it.

Oh!

If you're going to shoot him, don't
go and just shoot him! It's Santa!

Hey, lads. All right, Santa.
What you doing down this tunnel?

Oh, I just delivered the presents up
to West Bilbrey, you know,

it's quicker through the tunnels.

And, oh, did you know,
I just had a yoghurt?

No. No, I didn't know that.

Yeah, well, I have.
What flavour was it? Plain.

Is that what you wanted? No.

No, the wife had packed the bait
box, I opened it up, it was plain.

And low fat.

What was it you wanted, then?
Banana.

Santa, do you still love her?

No, I don't think so, no.

We've been recommended
for counselling,

but I just don't know
if I've got the energy for it.

So, hold on.

You think she deliberately packed
you plain, just to spite you, like?

Yeah, I do, yeah.

I've got no proof.

She's very clever like that.

Hey, look. That must be the hatch
up into the Happy Eater.

You know who lives there?
Phil Collins. Yeah, yeah.

Hang on.

It's his lounge.

Right. Bosh and Julie,

you stay here with the boat
and keep the engine running.

Beef, Bob, you three come with me.

You three? Who's the third one? Me!

Oh, right. Go on, up you get, then.

Do us, then.

Sorry about your problem, Santa.
See you.

I like your outfit.

Santa for the now generation. Adios.

So, Santa,

I thought your beard were longer
than that. Oh, here we go!

How many more times?

I had it this long for one week,

and that's
when somebody takes a photo.

I've been saddled with
that for years!

So, Santa,

which countries have you just been
delivering your presents to?

Ah, well, I've just come
back from Mexico. Oh, what fun!

What presents do the Mexicans mainly
want, when they want presents?

Well, pistols, sombreros,
ponchos, mainly. Santa,

behave yourself, man!
Less of the stereotyping.

Now I never had you
down for a racialist, you twat. Hey?

I'm not racist, let's
look in the book under Mexico, look.

Pistol, pistol, pistol, poncho,
pistol, it just goes on like that.

Come on, Santa,
you can't say stuff like that. What?

I'm not making this up, I'm just
reading from the book of letters.

Are you sure you shouldn't
consider counselling?

Yes, I am, and that's what SHE said.

And I more or less told
her to eff off.

He's playing his drums,
have a listen.

Yeah. It's that famous beat,
you know, the chocolate one.

He's coming. Quick.

Get down, Beef. Down!

Right, lads, so here's the plan.

I'll turn the heating right up
so he's more or less forced to

take his hat off,
and when he does, grab it and run.

What do you reckon, Beef?
I think that is a good plan. Sh!

No, I can't actually whisper. Oh!
It's best that I tell you that now.

See that cup there? Yeah.

I'm going to take that and throw it
so it's like a distraction and,

when goes to pick it up,
I turn the heating right up.

He didn't fancy that omelette.
Do you know, which is a shame really

cos they're so nutritious, aren't
they, Beef? They are.

Go on, do your cup.

Ooh!

Yes, yes.

Turn it up, yeah. Yeah.

Oof!

How are we going to get out of here,
now?

What about Turkey?
What do they have in Turkey?

You're going to say I'm being
racist!

But it's all requests for them
slippers with the curled up toes.

As if, Santa!

It is! That's all they're
asking for. Look in the book!

Apart from one Mustapha Kebab
and he wants a fez.

Ah, you know, that's not true,
now, Santa, is it? No. It is!

Right, one, pick another one.
Australia.

But you're going to say
they want didgeridoos.

No, let's have a look. Australia.

Rabbit-proof fence, rabbit-proof
fence, rabbit-proof fence.

Ah, get over. All right look,
choose another country,

and tell me I'm being racist.

Poland! Sheet steel. Italy.
50/50 split hair gel, pizza shovel.

Scotland. Bunion cream.

Satisfied?

Honestly, I tell the truth and I'm
a racist and if I don't I'm a liar.

You know what? That's it, this
is my last year. I'm fed up with it!

Right. Right, where next?

India.

Curry powder, curry powder... Don't!

Comrades, he's dropped off,
so what I say we do is, we kill him,

dissect him,
take the hat and retreat.

What do you reckon, Beef?
He thinks we should kill him.

I think he's right. Yeah?

Well, let's kill him then, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah. Great.

Right, what I'm going to do is take
this objet d'art,

and grandly strike him
right in the face.

No, no, you've got to hit him
as hard as you can.

I will, all right!
All right, well, get on with it.

I will.

Come here.

Stop that, it's got a sensor
pad on it. I know it's sensor pad.

We need to remove the hat
without waking him.

We'll just whip it off and we'll
clear off. I'll give it a go.

Oh!
There's a sensor underneath.

Yeah, we know there's a sensor,
don't we? We know about the sensors!

All right!
I've got a sensational plan.

We quickly remove the hat
and replace it with this succulent

and heavy omelette.

I'd like to do that,
can I do that? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's a nice touch, that.
Right, you two ready? Yeah.

Three, two, one. Yes! Yes!

Right, let's get out of here.

Erik? There you are. Erik,

how do you fancy an extra early
Christmas present? Oh, wow, yes.

I get to kill you. No, no! Erik,

what was the main present that you
really wanted? The bobble hat. Vic?

Come on, Vic, the bobble hat. I'm
wearing it on my head, you dozy cow.

Oh, no!

It must have fallen
in the water in the tunnel

when I was looking in the water
in the tunnel,

to see if I could see my future
wife in the tunnel.

Erik? Erik?

He's lost your bobble hat,
it was nothing to do with me,

you heard him.
Hello, lads! All right, Santa.

Finished in two minutes,
that's Ritalin for you.

I just found this on me way in and,

being Santa, I know it's for this
little lad here.

Yeah, Erik's bobble hat. Erik?

It's Santa Claus with my bobble hat.

Well, father?
Nice. Can we keep him? What?

You know how much I love you.

We could keep him in the cupboard
under the stairs. Cupboard?

I don't know,
what do you reckon, Santa?

Oh, it's fine by me,
the wife's just been on the blower,

she's kicked me out. Cow!

So this is my last night,
I'm jacking it in as Santa.

Oh, you can't do that, Santa,

what about the lovely little
children who want their presents?

Well, I've got a replacement
in mind, it's him, he's perfect.

There's me keys, and you can have
my air miles as well. Wow!

At last, enough air miles for me
to return home to the moon.

That's settle then,

I'm moving in, I've just got one
last delivery to make.

Where to? To Spain. I've got a lorry
load of mattresses. Mattresses? Yes.

So they can sleep all day, you know,
like they do. Santa!

All right, I'm a racist!

Happy Christmas! Happy Christmas.
Thank you, Santa.

Just one little cheeky little
chittle last little kiss? Ngh! Nn!

Come on, Beef,
let's get this party started.

Have you got the horn? Permanently.

# What a lovely Christmas Eve

# But what a waste of an omelette

# I got my hat

# I got my kiss

♪ And I get to blow
the shit out of this... ♪

Thank you. Thank you.

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