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But one might ask,

"What happens after we
conquer the tristate area?"

To which I say, first
thought, best thought.

We head west.

Quick question, how long
will this presentation take?

Well, okay, I did plan
a lunch midway through,

right out there in the foyer.

Ah, ring, ring. Terribly
sorry, Jerry. I must take this.

Hello? Really?

You need me now, you say?

Do excuse me. I'll be
straight back, I promise.

I can tell you're not
holding a telephone.

Immediately? Ah!

All right, person on
the end of this mobile.

It's not a phone.

- He said, "Ring, ring."
- Yes.

- There's no cord.
- Wake up.

- We'll press forward.
- Great presentation, Jerry.

Unfortunately, me and Nandor
have a 9:00 p.m. on the books.

- So... thank you so much.
- Yes.

Okay, uh...

Bye then.

Bye.

Thought you guys actually

were taking the vampire
domination seriously this time.

- We are.
- We are, Jerry.

- Yeah?
- Just not right now.

Great. So now I'm
talking to the ghost doll

and the energy vampire.

- Hi. Colin Robinson.
- Right.

Can you just take it from the top?

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I am loving my job at
Cannon Capital Strategies.

Every day, I am greasing
the filthy wheels of commerce

and learning the dark
arts of corporate America,

all the while, secretly helping
Guillermo rise through the ranks here.

I have had to go above
and beyond at times

- to, you know...
- Oh, my God, he's choking.

... help these dogs really
appreciate Guillermo.

- Look at that.
- Nice.

- Oh, my God.
- Yes.

- Guillermo saved his life.
- Yes.

But I think they are coming around.

Hey, Nadja. Jordan's making a
big announcement in 15 minutes.

So don't go anywhere, okay?

Hey, Jimmy, there you are.

You see how he talks like the
little piss king of everything now?

Oh. No rest for the wicked.

♪ What a way to make a living! ♪

Things are going
really well for me here.

To be considered an important part of

the team is refreshment for my spirits.

It reminds me of the old
Al-Quolanudarian folktale

of the humble sheepherder
who was secretly a prince.

One day, the people here are
gonna be very surprised to learn

that the janitor who scoops out their

hangover vomit from wastepaper bins

is in fact a very powerful warrior.

There he is. What's up, Andy?

So someone took a shit
on the toilet seat again.

I will fix.

All right, listen up!

I got the big news.

It's official.

We have acquired Hancock and Sons. Yeah!

This is a name that is synonymous
with classic American style,

and it's got insane
brand equity out the ass.

- Yo! Yeah!
- No, it's just a stellar,

stellar acquisition.

I'm so proud of you guys.

And special kudos to the motherfucking

- LBO team over here.
- Oh, no!

- Killing it. Let's party!
- You, you!

Yeah!

- All right. Pop it up.
- Yeah!

- Yeah. All right.
- Business!

- Money!
- Back to work, every...

- Jordan. Congratulations.
- You ready for those...

Thank you.

- Jordan! To you, Jordan!
- Yeah!

- We did this. Yeah!
- So, basically,

we license the Hancock and
Sons name to the highest bidder

who make the clothes
super cheap in Asia,

which is a great job for a
third-world kid.

And then all the factories
that we close down in the US

get converted into, like, drug clinics.

Pretty clever if you think about it.

- Hey, Guillermo!
- Yes, master...

- Yes, Jordan?
- Hey. Oh... I didn't know you were on film.

Cool kicks, dude.

Hey, did you get my
spot at Gage and Tollner?

Yeah, you got it. 7:30, window seat.

Okay, I'm gonna actually
need you to make that 8:00.

- Okay.
- And I may not go at all.

- All right.
- So make a note.

- Okay.
- Hey, level up, bro.

- Level up.
- There it is.

- No, we don't explode. We fist...
- No? Sorry. Yeah.

Yeah, we'll keep working on it.

Hot tip. This little
ding-dong is partner material.

- Trust me.
- What? No. It's easy when you have

- a cool boss like Jordan.
- Shut the fuck up!

I've learned so much from him.

He's, um... Well, I hear
he's quite the dealmaker.

- Thank you very much.
- So I kind of see him now

more as a mentor.

He can also be very demanding.

What the fuck is this,
huh? What the fuck is that?

Pick it up. Get the hell out.

Goddamn it.

But, you know, nothing I'm not used to.

- Hey, Guillermo.
- Yep?

Yeah, one more thing.

You know that janitor
you're kind of friendly with?

The one that's getting in
everyone's face all the time? Andy?

I don't know. Maybe Nandor?

- That's it.
- Yeah. I don't know him.

You know, every time the son of a bitch

comes in my office to empty the trash...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... he starts up a ten-minute conversation.

- I'll talk to him.
- No, no. Fire him.

Looks good to me. We should,
uh, try him out on the road.

See how he does at a
quinceañera or something.

You'll do no such thing.

This creature was created for shit
work, and shit work it will do.

Laszlo, Sean is here.

- Fuck.
- Laszlo?

Hello, my darling. Tell
him I'll be right up.

He's already on his way down.

Shit. Cover him up.

Well, you're wrong, Laszlo.

This monster could do so
much more than just shit work.

Well, I'll be the judge of that.

Night night, little
buddy. See you later.

- Whoa.
- Seanay!

Oh, what the fuck is this place?

Some sort of torture chamber?

No, no, no. Welcome to the laundry room.

Smells like scrambled eggs and piss.

Well, Nadja insists that
we use an organic detergent.

It's cool. Cool. So you guys
still work at the railroad, right?

Of course we do. Yeah,
I work at the railroad.

- Me too.
- For a few years now, we've had to

tell Sean that we work at the railroad.

Which explains the
rather odd hours we keep.

He usually doesn't ask questions,

which is good because we don't
know dick about the railroad.

So that's a... It's a pretty cool job.

- It's about the coolest.
- The railroad is a great company.

Sean's not what you would call curious.

♪ Seanay! ♪

Well, I just got
shitcanned from the TSA.

Charmaine's been on my ass about asking

if, I don't know, you know, maybe I

could get an interview
with the railroad.

But fuck me, you know.

You want an interview, you got it.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

- Oh, that's awesome.
- Anything for a friend.

You're the best friend
I've ever had in my life.

I swear to you guys,

I am not gonna let you down.

Not even you, Dilbert.

I gotta tell Charmaine right now.

***

- Shit.
- We don't actually work at the railroad.

Yes, I do know that.

Just hypnotize the guy so he
forgets about the interview.

I wish I could. He's almost brain-dead.

He's hypnotized out.

He's a proper idiot.

Doesn't know his ass from his
elbow. I mean, he really is stupid.

But he's my friend.
I can't let him down.

Hey, elevator box don't go-go.

You need to press one
of the buttons, Sean.

There we go.

Good gravy.

Yo, Big G.

- What is that, tea?
- Yeah.

Okay.

I need you to book the back
room at Modus for Friday night.

We're gonna go ham on some
steaks with the whole team.

- That includes you.
- Really?

Yeah. You're special to me, ding-dong.

- Okay.
- Look at that smile.

You earned it, bro.

What the fuck?

Hey, the fuck is he still doing here?

I told you to fire that hippie.

Oh, yeah. I've been so swamped.
I haven't got around to...

Yeah, yeah. We're all swamped.

If you're not ready to step up,
I need to know, like, right now.

I'm ready.

Hi.

Welcome to the Staten Island
and Southwestern Railroad.

We brainstormed several
ways out of our Sean dilemma,

but in the end, the
simplest plan was the best,

which was to rent an entire
corporate office floor

and hire a bunch of actors to pretend

they're working at a railroad office.

Christine, we're gonna need more phones.

Derryberry, not West
Brighton. Derryberry.

Now, you two are gonna
be in an office romance.

You know, I wanna
really feel the tension.

Do I get extra for that?

Uh, no, you don't. You're
lucky to even be here.

Don't overthink it, guys.

Pretend you work at the railroad.

Sometimes you look at a clock.
Sometimes you look at a map.

You're always angling
for some workmen's comp

so you can sit on your big butts.

That's the dream of a railroad worker.

Guillermo! What is cracking, my friend?

You know, just crushing
it, climbing up that ladder.

- You know how it is.
- I do.

I am also making arrangements
in the friendship department.

So, here's the thing.

Jordan has asked me to tell you...

Advice from the great Jordan. Do tell.

Well, Jordan has asked me to tell you...

Did I win employee of the month?

He wants me to tell you
that he thinks you should...

blend in more with the background.

- The background? I...
- Kinda be more invisible.

Invisible?

Yes, of course.

You know, as a powerful warrior,

I'm not so used to tamping down
my natural air of cold command.

Such a personality
can cast a long shadow.

- That's it.
- Thank you for the advice, Guillermo.

It'll be as if I'm not even here.

Okay.

Give me another fact.

Our trains specialize in moving units.

All right. Well, how many units?

- 2,000 units.
- That's big.

Oh, engines. They run
on electric or diesel?

Uh, electric diesel and
I'll throw in some steam.

- Sounds like low emissions.
- Strictly nocturnal.

I'm gonna love this company.

What a lovely surprise!

Seany, what is going on here?

Laz is prepping me for my interview
with the railroad tomorrow.

- Could I borrow you, my Velvet King?
- If you must.

Husband and wife business, you know.

Don't worry about it. Go over my resume.

You idiot. There is no railroad.

Well, that's why we built one.

You built a railroad?

Well, not the whole
thing, just the office.

So you could give Sean a job?

Of course not. There is no job.

So we could give Sean an interview,

build his confidence.

After this, he'll be getting
jobs left, right and Chelsea.

I don't remember working at Kinko's.

Laszlo,

Sean is very lucky to have a friend

who is as big and generous in his
brains as he is in his knickers.

Yes.

You, uh, think I should get,

like, a conductor's hat or something?

Of course I will miss the easy

camaraderie of an office environment.

But such is the curse of powerful men.

- What's up, gangsta?
- What's up? What!

At least I am helping Guillermo.

What's he doing? ***

- You good?
- All right. I gotta go.

- All right.
- I'll see ya.

Of course it hurt a little,

but I was reminded of
when I was a warlord.

I would always discourage nonsexual
fraternization amongst the men.

Whoa, this is one hell of a busy office.

And this is just the night shift?

Well, here at the railroad,
we like to keep rolling.

I see what you did there.

- Are you ready?
- I'm ready as I'll ever be.

Oh, hey, listen, I'd like to say hi
to Nandor while I'm here, you know.

Yeah, I don't think that'll be
possible. He's very busy at the moment.

There he is. Now, we'll
just move on in here.

- Oh, yeah.
- You're about to meet Mr. Smith.

Now, he's a tough nut to
crack, a man of few words.

- Just relax and be yourself.
- Yeah.

If I tell you to leave that
office, then get out of the office.

- What do you do?
- Get out of the office.

You got it.

- Oh, why it's Laszlo and Sean.
- Yes.

Mr. Smith, this is the man
we were telling you about.

Sean Rinaldi, meet Greg
Smith, president of the SISR.

He had a little fender
bender over the weekend.

We're not gonna need that.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Greeting.

Hey, thank you for the opportunity.

Damn, that's an interesting grip, huh?

We decided to kill two
cats with one arrow,

meaning Sean gets his interview,

and the monster gets to show
that he's a smart, cool dude.

Who Sean?

That's a great question.

Who is Sean Rinaldi?

Well, I'm a hard worker, a team player.

Why Sean railroad?

Boom. Another great question.

I will hold you responsible
if today turns into carnage.

- It won't.
- It might.

I think to me,

the Staten Island and Southwestern Rail

isn't in the business of transportation.

It's in the business of dreams.

This is so good.

- Sorry, I gotta ask, man.
- Hmm?

What's your fucking deal?
Where do you even come from?

Oh, uh, well, I'm from Staten
Island, but I was raised in the Bronx.

No, motherfucker.

I mean, you were pushing the mail cart

two weeks ago,
and now you're an analyst?

Like, what the fuck's up with that?

Well, a junior analyst, but yeah,
guess I'm pretty good at my job.

Pretty fucking great at it,
more like it.

Yeah.

No, no. But seriously, bro, Jordan,
he thinks you're the shit, man.

- Really?
- That's right.

Yeah, yeah. No lie.

And then I say, "Not my problem."

Cheers to you, motherfuckers.

Cheers.

Let's do this!

♪ Can graduate ♪

Go again. Let's go again.

Come on, you know you want it. Let's go!

Bring 'em round. Bring 'em around.

Yes. Yeah.

- Wow, dude.
- Yeah.

It goes small, then it goes...

- ♪ Can I graduate? ♪
- ♪ Can I graduate? ♪

Hey, hey. Listen up. Listen up.

I got something to say. I
wanna get this off my chest.

Make it real quick, then
we'll go back to the partying.

Looking at everybody at this table,

some of you guys are not gonna
be here in a couple of months.

I get that. Because
of performance levels.

But for most of you, I
love this group so much.

I am so proud of this team.

- Pussy.
- I will knock you out, motherfucker.

Shut the fuck up. Trying
to get through this.

You know, this isn't something
I'm comfortable doing, being nice.

But I wanna say it. You
guys work so damn hard.

And if you know anything about me,

you know that everything I do here
is for my wife and my kids, right?

And having said that, fuck 'em.

This is my fucking family, right here!

Guillermo. Get the fuck up here.

Get up here. Guillermo
de la fucking Cruz.

This kid shows up early, stays late.

Works his ass off, never complains.

And I love it.

And I love you. Welcome
to the family, my brother.

Let's hear it for Guillermo!

I may look wistful, but that
is the look all generals have

when they hear the
enlisted men carrying on.

Let them sing and boast.

It is better that I keep my distance.

Guillermo, let's go!

Well, I don't wanna take up any
more of your time, Mr. Smith,

except to say that I
believe in the power of rail.

And not just for the economics
of this great country,

but for the entire planet.

It's one of the reasons that
I think I make a great fit.

'Cause I'm young, I'm
dumb. I'm a fool...

Greg Smith stop you there.

Yeah.

Shit, I shouldn't have made the joke.

Railroad more than get
freight A to B point.

- It more than business for money profit.
- Yeah.

- It about connect people.
- Yeah.

It about bring folk together.

Yeah. I couldn't agree more.

Greg Smith like cut of Sean jib.

Welcome to railroad.

All right.

I am so proud right now.

I-I told you he could do
more than just grunt work.

Yeah, but you know he
wasn't actually supposed to

- hire Sean.
- Yeah.

So, uh, how many days do I get off?

Fair enough. But he didn't kill anyone.

I cannot believe you hired him,

let alone made him a vice president.

What? I think Sean will make
a fantastic vice president.

Me like cut of Sean jib.

Yeah. I couldn't agree more, Monster.

He's super qualified, and
he's incredibly charismatic.

I mean, damn Sean for being so good.

What's up, motherfuckers?

"Motherfuckers"? Shouldn't
you be shitting in your shed?

No. Me and Jordan and the
LBO team went out for steak...

- Ugh.
- ... because we closed

on the Hancock and Sons deal.

Oh, Hancock and Sons.
That's a quality shirt.

Not anymore.

We just bought it for
the brand and the land.

The rest of it can go fuck itself.

- Ooh.
- No, no. Not fuck itself.

Like Jordan said, this is a net positive

for the consumer to
get a cheaper product.

That is just a nice way of saying

that you get rich off the
bones of the old workers.

You don't know what you're
talking about. You know why?

Because you are not on the team.

Bitch, I am the team.

I built you up from a nobody
in the mail room.

I was told at my onboarding

that nobody is a nobody at
Cannon Capital Strategies.

It is not right that
this insolent little shed-dweller

should ever claim to be better than me.

Whatever, Nadja, 'kay?

Yeah, maybe you did help
me get a few steps ahead.

But you know what?
You're not that great.

In fact, that whole office is made
up of tiny little shed-dwellers.

Jordan loves me because I crush it,

and you're all sitting around
with your dicks in your hands.

Why not? It's our house.

Those pencil dicks will rue
the day they ever overlooked me.

Okay. So let's wait for their counter,

but be prepared to be
very aggressive with them,

because I've seen this before.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

What else do we have on the
agenda? I know there's some more...

Which of you sons of bitches
wants to live in a mansion?

Yeah, I think you're in the
wrong meeting there, Elvira.

- Okay? This is the LBO team.
- Sorry.

I thought this was the team with
dicks so big they wiped the floors.

But if you're too busy sucking
each other off, I can go elsewhere.

Hang on. I'll bite. Before I fire
you. What do you... What do you got?

Do you like trains? 'Cause
I know your mom does.

And this is too big even
for her wide-set legs.

Staten Island and Southwestern Railroad,

absolutely creaming with assets.

- Open season.
- Yeah, this might be something.

Well, how's it feel?

Like I belong, right?

What do I do now? Call a
meeting? Make a spreadsheet?

The world's your oyster.

You're higher up on the
org chart than we are.

- I am?
- Oh, yeah. You're a VP.

Laszlo's a deputy senior director,

and I'm a, uh, railroad consultant.

- Marone. That's a lot of responsibility.
- Yeah.

We should do something official.
Let's go check out the trains.

That's a great idea. Let's
go and check out the trains.

- There are no trains.
- I know that.

I just don't wanna disappoint Sean.

Maybe we can tell him
the trains were stolen?

He's not gonna believe a
preposterous lie like that.

Wait a minute. What's Nadja doing here?

Well, here we are.

You can see for yourself how active

and alive and real it is.

Ah, my darling. What a pleasant
surprise. Who are your guests?

Uh, us business banker
types are very interested in

the Staten Island Southwestern
Railway with a view to purchase.

Am I right, my guys?

I'm so sorry. Is this a joke?

- What are you even pointing at?
- What?

There's nothing even on this paper.

And on the other side
it just says train over

and over again. You see that?

This computer is
fake. It's made of plastic.

Is this a fucking prank or
something? Is this a prank show?

- Are you fucking with us?
- 'Cause that would be funny.

No, no. No. This is actually a
tremendous, good business deal.

Very ruthless stuff.

And we're gonna be drunk on gold.

It's all right, my
darling. They've sussed it.

The office is bullshit.

It was done just for the
benefit of my friend, Sean.

- Well, that explains it.
- Sean.

Yeah, and who the fuck is Sean?

Sean is my best friend.
He means everything to me.

So you brought us to Staten
Island for some straight bullshit?

Pretty much, yeah. And it'd be great

if you fellas just played along.

- He's a nice guy.
- Yeah, I don't think so.

- This is fucking mental.
- Jordan is gonna be so pissed.

I don't care about Jordan!

My husband spent $3,000 on this place.

It was actually $3,500.

Hold up.

- This whole floor went for 35 hundo?
- Only for the month.

Shit. That's way below market
value, even in Staten Island.

- Got eyes on that market, guys.
- That's good.

- That's crazy.
- They're probably part of a family trust

where they all hate each
other and wanna cash out.

This is a family in crisis. Let's go.

Yes. Fuck yeah. Yes. Yes.

Even though there was no railroad,

the real estate was very "undervalued."

Yeah. Plus, that real estate
girl I've been fucking,

she told me Staten Island,
it's the new Bushwick.

Yes!

I may not know what any of that
means, but it makes no difference.

I still made it happen.

Good work. Let's go, Magda.

You might've just saved your job. Yeah.

My darling wife Nadja not only
proved her mettle with the financiers,

but she also solved the Sean dilemma.

He got a job at the railroad.

- Come and take a walk with me.
- Yeah.

The railroad went under
as railroads often do.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Beyond my control.

I'm taking my train,
which my grandpa gave me.

This place doesn't
deserve me. I'm leaving.

So do me a favor. When you're
putting those decks together,

I just want you to double check

to make sure all the valuation
spreads are...

What the fuck, dude?

I thought I told you to
fire that weird janitor.

- Yeah. No. I know, but...
- I don't wanna hear it, okay?

Just get it done.

I don't wanna fire Nandor.

But it's like Jordan said,
it's about being the right fit.

Fuck.

And maybe that's what
we were. Or weren't.

Nandor couldn't make me a vampire,
and I can't make him a janitor.

Okay. This is
why they pay you the money.

Nandor, hey. Busy?

Um, just doing some light cleaning.

Please, take a seat.

Great.

It feels good to take some
weight off the old tootsies.

- Yeah. A break is good.
- What is cracking?

- You know. Same old, same old.
- Mmm.

You know, I noticed that Jordan is

starting to show a
real special confidence

in you, Guillermo,
and he's wise to do so.

- Thank you.
- I mean it.

I think you will do very well here.

- I think so too. Which is why...
- I'm proud of you.

Okay. You know, there's no easy way of

saying this, so I'm just gonna say it.

Say what?

That we, as a company, need to downsize.

Downsize. What is downsize?

- Sounds exciting.
- Nah.

It's when you have to let people go.

It's not Jimmy, is it?

No, it's not Jimmy.

Whew. Jimmy is my number one bro.

No, I'm telling you because you're
the one that we have to let go.

You're firing me?

Yes, but if you think about it,

it's the best thing that
could ever happen to you.

I just want you to know
that it was not my decision.

It's fine. I'll just, um...

I'm so sorry.

Good luck, Guillermo.

Good luck, Nandor.

Excuse me.

You know what, I'm great. It's
been a positive experience.

Guillermo, he's like a baby bird,

like a little falcon looking
for his first bit of prey.

He has to prove himself.

So, no, I am in no way, shape or form

humiliated by the fact that I have

just been fired by my
own... by my former...

You know what? I...

Yes.

Excuse me.

Please.

I said please!

I'll always treasure
my brief time at the railroad.

There you go.

I came away from it
knowing that I got value.

Fuck, fuck.

Sean Rinaldi is a hot commodity.

Wish me luck.

You know which way to the
Sean Rinaldi interview?

I mean, I'm still seeking similar VP

positions in the transportation sector,

but till one of those comes along,

I'm gonna keep my hand in
right here at TaskRabbit.

'Cause this guy is gonna be okay.

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