Original subtitles

Merry Christmas!

It's officially Christmas morning.

In New Zealand.

Ho ho. Hope is for the weak.

Oh. The Masked Man from his sled of bones pulled by undead reindeer has spoken.

Our servers are holding steady

as all the Kiwi boys and girls play their copies

of Mythic Quest.

One time zone down, and 20 to go.

Now, guys…

…we are gonna have some good old fashion, yuletide fun! Whoo!

Whoo-hoo! Rejoice!

- Rejoice! - Jo. Jo, not today.

Guys, come on. Where's your Christmas spirits?

At home with our families.

Yes, see... Okay... Look, I...

Guys, I know, I know it's hard to be away from your families at Christmas.

But we're essential workers.

We're working today so all the kids around the world can play their favorite game

without our servers crashing.

And... And yes, it involves sitting around and waiting.

But, hey, guess who else sits around and waits to jump into action?

- Peepers. - No, not peepers.

Uh, firefighters. Right?

So, like firefighters, we sit and we wait, we talk, we bond, you know,

- we have a big pot of chili. - There's chili?

There's no chili. Chili's not a festive food.

It's not "Christmassy." But we have a hot cocoa bar. Right?

And we have a crafts table, a lot of decorations,

and we have a beautiful tree.

There's someone in front of it.

Worker! Move.

O-Okay.

Yeah, there it is!

Look at that, guys, huh? That's fun, right? Come on, guys.

It's gonna be fun. It's gonna be better than fun.

Today is gonna be the best Christmas ever!

Deck the halls with the bowels of your enemies.

Okay, we are through China.

Servers are holding strong. You know what that means?

We're gonna be raffling off another prize soon.

Because every time we clear a time zone, someone gets a prize.

A lot of them are made in China too so, little bit of a theme.

No. No, no, no. No.

David, can I make my holiday remarks now or should I wait till later?

What are you doing here?

What? It's the holiday party. I come every year. Why wouldn't I be?

Oh, I don't know, because, uh, you don't work here.

You've been warned to stay off this floor. You're technically a competitor…

Oh, well, look, I'm not actually here here.

I'm just here for Poppy. She's just so lonely.

She doesn't have anybody to spend the holiday with.

Oof. So sad.

If only she could program a friend.

- Oh, she's definitely tried. - Yeah.

Tell you what, I'll give you a 100 bucks if you let us stay.

No... All right, fine. I'll take it.

But it's only because I need money for the party fund.

'Cause I'm trying to give a nice Christmas to all the employees 'cause they, uh,

are not getting nice Christmas bonuses.

David, David, you can't say that word, "Christmas." You just shouldn't say it.

Oh, come on. Don't... Don't be a Scrooge.

Don't bring your Scrooge energy in here.

I'm not being a Scrooge.

You... You don't wanna remind them that they're working on a holiday.

You need to distract them from the fact they're away from their families.

No, see, that's exactly why I wanna make it special.

You know, I wanna recreate that feeling of Christmas.

You know, when you wake up as a kid and there's snow on the ground.

And people are giving presents, and everyone's singing, and everyone's happy.

Is that what Christmas was like for you as a kid?

No. No, no, no. No, I... I grew up in Phoenix.

It was very hot and dry, and my parents would fight like crazy on Christmas, yeah.

But I would hide out in my room and I'd stare at a snow globe,

and I'd imagine the perfect Christmas.

God, that's, like, so sad.

That's some of the happiest times of my life.

No, that's sadder than even Poppy trying to make a friend.

It doesn't matter. The point is…

…you have to make this fun, you know? The way Poppy and I used to.

What?

- All you two did was get everyone drunk. - Fun.

- We caught that couple fornicating. - Really fun.

- He got her pregnant. - Less fun.

Look, this is my year, okay?

I'm in charge, and we're doing it how I wanna do it, okay?

So if you stay…

you gotta join the party.

'Cause David Brittlesbee will not rest

till every employee and ex-employee is filled with the holiday spirit.

He's watching porn.

Huh? What? Anthony!

No! No porn.

It's Christmas.

That's exactly why you shouldn't be watching it. Off.

There should be chili.

Merry Christmas.

It feels good to be able to say that again, doesn't it?

- Mm-hmm. - I didn't think you'd be here today.

I thought you would've gone home for the holidays.

Did your family not invite you either?

Uh, no. They... They did, and I was going to,

but, um, I decided to stay for Ian

'cause he has no one to celebrate Christmas with.

It's kinda sad.

You're such a good person.

No coal in your stocking this year.

Anyway, I got you a present.

O-Oh, for m-me?

Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't?

It's a necklace.

It's a piece of metal from the car that you crushed with the tank.

You can wear it and always remember the day

that we had brunch and became friends.

- Here. - Oh, wow, Jo, thanks.

It's so... Ow. It's sh... It's sharp.

Well, you know, relationships are supposed to be painful, right?

Are they?

Yes.

- Oh. - What's wrong?

Oh no, did I do friendship wrong again?

Stupid!

I don't know any of the rules.

No, uh… …no. It's just, I... I just didn't get anything for you.

I don't understand. Do you not celebrate Christmas in Australia?

We do. It's just that I...

I didn't realize

that y-you considered me a friend.

Oh.

I see. Yeah.

- So, you did friendship wrong. - What?

Oops.

So, these are the monitors where we track player data,

analytics and player engagement and, uh, spending habits...

Is this gross?

No. This is hot. And you look cute.

Really?

Yeah. You're giving ChapStick lesbian chic.

I'm meeting your parents for the first time.

- It's kind of a big deal. - Well, this is a big deal.

You're head of monetization now.

Hey, let's take a picture.

- Okay. - Say, "Merry Christmas."

- Merry Christmas... - Merry Christmas.

Ah! Jesus Christ.

It's cool. I got crop tool.

What up, HOMIE?

In celebration of our first joint monetization launch,

I brought us these.

A grande mochaccino.

It's 360 calories, in case you were worried about it.

- I wasn't. - Great. Me neither.

Why are you so cheery?

Oh, uh, I don't know. I just love Christmas.

It's the one time of year when everyone expresses their love financially.

It's the high holy day of capitalism.

Mmm. Now, that's gross.

Can we launch this feature so that Dana and I can go?

Because we're meeting her family for midnight mass.

Yeah. Let's make it snow.

Introducing, The Red Nose Reindeer Package.

It gives players night vision for 24 hours.

- So cute. Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah. Supes cute. And supes limited.

With only 100,000 noses produced, oh, how the players will love it.

- That's not cute. - Nope.

- Mmm. - That's not how I wanted to do it.

I wanted to make them unlimited and sell them at a lower price point

so that everyone could enjoy them.

Okay, socialism on Christmas? Yuck!

Hold on, isn't Brad your assistant?

Huh.

No, no, no. I'm not her assistant.

I'm assisting her to live up to her true potential.

Much like, you know, Emperor Palpatine mentored Darth Vader.

I am not Darth Vader.

Okay, fine. Darth Maul.

Why are all your Star Wars references villains?

They're the heroes.

You're insane.

Okay. Look, Rache,

do you think Poppy liked when I used Playpen to create new games?

She yelled at me.

She told me to shove Tim Tams up my bogan shit-maker.

But I knew I was right.

You know, I just... I just saw it. Is that weird?

Yeah.

No, it's hot.

Brad, we're gonna do this my way.

And because I don't drink animal milk and caffeine gives me a mucky belly,

I want an oat milk latte that's decaf. And please and thank you.

You heard the HOMIE.

Okay, yeah. Be right back with that.

Man, this is so depressing.

Yeah. What a waste of Carol not being here, huh?

I know, right? No one getting hammered.

No one making decisions they're gonna regret in the morning.

What's the point of a holiday party if you can't do stupid shit?

Doesn't even feel like Christmas.

Attention, guys.

We have a very urgent message from Santa Claus.

He has a very special gift he wants to give you all for Christmas.

Bonuses?

No. Something money can't buy.

Singing!

Yeah, we're all gonna sing together, Christmas carols. I got a karaoke machine.

Uh, well, it's...

Worker! Move.

Yeah. There it is.

Aah! Isn't it great?

He's gonna make these people sing?

These freakazoids can't even maintain eye contact.

We are singing Christmas carols

and posting it on the MQ social website tomorrow

for the entire world to see.

Call your parents 'cause you're gonna get 15 minutes of fame.

- Uh-huh. - Oh, holy night!

A karaoke machine? Is that where my money went?

Your money? What money?

I slipped him a little bit of cash to let us stay. To cheer you up.

What? I bribed him to cheer you up.

- Really? - Yes, a hundred bucks, cash.

Me too.

- He swindled us. - Ah! The little devil.

Wait.

Why did you think I needed cheering up?

Oh, well, 'cause your family hates you

and you have nowhere to go.

Where did you get that from? My family love me.

They're just... They're in Melbourne. It's a 16-hour flight, so…

They went to Hawaii and didn't invite you.

Yes. But the Airbnb had limited beds,

and so we all... On the group chat, uh, they s... told me...

There was a two-day layover in San Diego.

Whatever. You're spending Christmas alone too.

Well, I don't really do family.

Uh, more like family doesn't do you. Ask your son.

Oh, you know, we're just... We're sniping at each other

and I think it's because it's the holidays.

And also this party sucks ass.

But the point is, we actually did something sweet for one another.

Yeah, we kinda did. Aw.

Yeah. I mean, I like you. I want you to be happy.

Yeah, and I just wanna look out for you.

That's really nice.

- We do nice. - I think we have to agree, though,

that the people we really need to do something for... The employees.

Yeah. Yeah.

Let's show these freakazoids how to have some real fun.

Yeah.

You keep calling them freakazoids, but you know you're one of them, right?

Refresh.

Damn, look at that.

You made almost half a mil and you did it your way.

Refresh.

'Cause you saw it, girl.

Let this be a lesson, don't doubt yourself.

Refresh.

Oh, my God!

Over $500,000 in two hours! I knew it!

You knew it! Yes.

Oh, my God. I bet at this rate you're gonna outearn Brad's plan

by Christmas morning.

- You wanna stay up all night and find out? - Uh-huh.

Totally.

- Hey, girlfriend. - Oh, hi.

Merry Christmas.

Oh. Merry Christmas. What... What is that?

It's a gift. From brunch. It's for you.

Wow.

I didn't realize we were doing gifts.

So you did friendship wrong too?

No... No, I don't... Well, I...

Is she gonna hurt me?

- She scares me. - She's really scary.

Happy "hell-idays."

Officially ready for caroling, guv'nor!

Jo?

Jo, come on out. Let me see.

Oh! You look lovely.

I feel foolish.

No, well, dressing up is a little foolish. That's kind of the fun of it.

No, I mean about thinking I had friends.

Oh, Jo. Hey, come on.

Forgive and forget. It's Christmas, innit?

You know, today's a day to celebrate

for all of mankind. Or womankind?

Everyone. Okay?

Don't hold a grudge.

Hold a lantern.

Okay.

Yes. That's the spirit, yeah!

Now, harness your inner Judy and smile for the camera. Perk up!

David, I've been harnessing my inner Judy for quite a while.

I take Adderall in the morning to boost productivity,

a beta-blocker when my body stresses out, an Ativan when my brain stresses out

and then instead of barbiturates, I smash my head against a wall until I pass out.

That's great. Yeah. Now, just do all that with a smile.

Great.

Okay, okay! Who's ready to sing?

Where the hell is everybody?

Hey! Hey! Come on.

A place of business, guys.

Anthony! What the hell is going on?

Game jam.

We're making mini-games using Poppy's tool set. It's rad.

Well, hey, man, it's... It's rad upstairs! You know?

I mean, we're... We're gonna sing Christmas carols

and... and we're giving away a lot of cool prizes.

Poppy and Ian are giving away a Porsche.

What?

How did they even get that in here?

Attention, ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen and ladies.

In just a few minutes, we're going to be raffling away Poppy's Porsche!

And also, it's never been driven!

Which is absolutely astonishing. Totally wasted on her.

- But at least it will go to somebody… - Hey, guys... guys, really?

…who appreciates it.

Hey! What is this?

- Fun! Right? - Uh, yeah, this would be considered fun.

No. No, this is not fun. This? This is an orgy.

Look... Guys, please. Can you, you know...

It's a workplace, I'm sorry.

Bud, I don't know how many orgies you've been to,

but this is definitely not an orgy vibe.

So not orgy.

Yeah. You've never had sex.

Guys, this was supposed to be my Christmas.

But you couldn't let me have it, could you?

- You had to do it your way. - No, David. We're not doing this for us.

- We're doing it for them. - The freakazoids.

- Stop calling them freakazoids. - Why?

- I don't know what a freakazoid is. - You know.

- Look, that, these ones, th... Over there. - These people all look exactly like you.

I had a whole thing planned, you know?

We were gonna wear Victorian outfits. We were gonna sing Christmas carols.

It was gonna be like a white Christmas theme.

We were gonna connect everyone together. It was gonna be special.

Yeah. But, Dave, nobody wanted to do that.

I wanted to do it.

But you know what? Whatever.

You say you're doing it for other people, but you guys are doing it for yourselves.

Like you always do.

So, great. Fine.

Wait, wait, wait. Well, hol... David. Don't be like that.

Attention, everybody! Guys?

Christmas is canceled!

- No, it... it's not a good thing! - I don't think they can hear you.

I think they can and they were celebrating him saying that. Um...

Christmas is canceled. Stop the music.

No more fun. Everyone back to work.

Aw!

- Come on, Dave... - Bah humbug.

David, we just...

I said, "bah humbug."

Move. Back to work.

- Hello. - Hello.

I've subjugated myself to a nitwit.

I offered my friendship to unworthy women.

I allowed myself to be debased.

I made myself vulnerable and was humiliated.

We've made mistakes.

We'll learn from them. The pain is knowledge.

- It will make us stronger. - Yes.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Yo!

Hi, Brad.

Just a little update here. I wanted to let you know

that I just made us a million dollars my way, baby.

Sorry?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Did you... Did you not hear me? Um…

I just made us a million dollars! That's right,

the dirty socialist just made this company one million buckaroos!

So stick that in your pipe and smoke...

So the company gets a Christmas bonus, but we don't?

No bonuses, no chili.

I'm very sorry, David. I'm very...

Take all this crap down. Take it all down!

And this too. Stupid tree.

Socialist.

Everybody back to work.

No more Christmas!

- Hmm… - And no unionizing!

Merry Christmas.

Oof. This is bleak.

David, it's us!

- It's locked. - Oh, really? Okay.

- Step aside, I'm just gonna kick it in. - Wha... You're gonna bust the door down?

Yeah. What do you want me to do? Suppress a primal instinct?

- I... - In fact, I'm gonna donkey kick it.

- No, do not donkey kick anything! - Back up.

What do you want?

Oh. Hey, Jo, let us in. We need to talk to David.

Yeah, we want to apologize.

Sorry, this room is for friends only. And neither of you are friends of David's.

You're not my friend either.

You're just some woman with BO I went to brunch with.

What do you want me to do with them?

Tell them I'm working. Like any other day.

- Dave... Can we just talk to you, bud? - We just wanna talk.

David says, "Stick your dick in a blender."

- He very clearly did not say that. - I don't...

- We can hear him. - He's right there, we...

- Yeah. - Stick your dick in a blender.

Just go stick your dicks in blenders.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, Dave.

- I kinda think we messed this up. - Yeah.

No wonder our families hate us.

Well, again, mine is more of a scheduling issue...

I know, Pop. I know.

Oh, my God. I feel so bad. Everyone is so mad at me.

Can you please help me fix this?

Oh, so now you need my help? How delicious.

Not as delicious as the two mochaccinos I had.

You drank both of those?

- It was 720 calories. - Okay, can we focus please?

Will you just help me make everyone happy?

Stop that.

If you wanna be good at this job, stop trying to make people happy

and start trying to make money.

Palpatine's got a point.

What?

It's human nature.

Sometimes when people feel you're trying too hard to please them,

it might seem off-putting.

- Annoying. - We're trying not to use the A-word.

- We're not using the A-word, Brad. - Okay, fine.

The point is, you gotta cut that shit out if you're gonna work under me.

No. Over me?

Wait, no.

You gotta cut that shit out if we're gonna work together.

Okay. Great. Fine. I will work on that tomorrow.

But can you just fix it now?

For Christmas?

I might have an idea that's a little bit capitalist

and a little bit socialist.

I'm not sure it's gonna work.

- Might take some time. - That's fine. We have all night.

Dana, text your family. I will get us coffees.

You know, if she's Vader, and I'm Palpatine, that makes you...

I'm Yoda, bitch.

David. David.

David, wake up, wake up. It's Christmas morning.

It is? Where?

Here.

What the…

Hey. Merry Christmas, David!

Merry Christmas!

We wanted you to have a proper Christmas.

- Do you like it? - It's incredible. How did you do all this?

Oh, it was super easy. We just forced the art department to come in,

and they just whipped it up.

They were super happy to help out.

Everyone was, thanks to the generous Christmas bonus

that you gave them.

- The bon... The bonus? - Yeah. Thanks, David!

Thanks, David!

And there's chili!

Chili!

Yay!

We had the art department make the chili too.

Jesus Christ. What is it with the chili?

Hey, Jo.

Um, we have something for you. A bonus bonus.

What is it?

- It's your very own game! - Ga... Video game.

- Brunch Crushers? - Yeah.

Uh, Poppy made it with her Playpen tools.

You, um, crush brunching women in a tank.

It's simple and stupid, and you... you probably don't...

- Oh! - Oh! Oh.

It's beautiful.

- Good. - We should get brunch every week.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah... Yeah.

We should go on vacation together.

- A trip is... - That's a big commitment for friends.

- We... But th... One day… - It's... Yeah.

You know, we might… This is a long hug. Uh…

On Slasher, on Smasher, on Basher and Sick One.

Scary Christmas to all, and to all a good fright.

That's it, everybody! It's officially Christmas morning!

So, what do you think, bud?

Uh, the best Christmas ever.

It's about to get a whole lot better.

What the hell?

It's sick!

Oh, my God!

Oh, it's, uh... It's time for the... the sing-along!

Oh, that's okay. Yeah, we would've had to record the video already.

- We'll do it live! - Look, we're streaming.

- Ready. Three… - What?

…two, one!

♪ Christmas, Christmas time is near ♪

♪ Time for toys and time for cheer ♪

♪ We've been good, but we can't last ♪

♪ Hurry, Christmas, hurry fast ♪

♪ Want a plane that loops the loop ♪

♪ Me, I want a Hula-Hoop ♪

♪ We can hardly stand the wait ♪

♪ Please, Christmas, don't be late ♪

What is this?

- Can we breathe this in, David? - Hey, Phil. Turn off the snow...

- Where did you get all the snow? - Is it poison?

- I feel faint. - So bad for your lungs.