Original subtitles

Okay, check this out.

I just added this really fun new feature

where before you can access any of the controls,

you have to solve, like, a crazy difficult word puzzle.

So you can't play until you do homework?

Oh, well, no... It's...

It's not homework, it's... It's ki... It's like work,

uh, that you would do a-at home. But it's fun.

Yeah, that is super fun. Everybody loves homework.

Hey, this MQ movie thing is, like, really bothering me.

How could I not even be consulted on it?

Because you don't work there anymore.

Well, yeah, but my DNA is literally all over that game.

Ew. I'm not sure if you mean the word "literally" literally,

but given all the weird shit you're into at the moment, I don't wanna know.

Yeah, that is kinda gross, isn't it?

Thank you for bringing that to my attention.

That's not what I meant. I meant "metaphorically."

Uh-huh, cool. Let's just pretend that you didn't say it.

I recognize that MQ is in the past,

but what if the story isn't told correctly?

It'll chip away at my legacy.

- Ian. - Our legacy.

- Sorry. - No. No, no, no.

Movies. People love movies.

Because they're fun, and they're sexy, and people love sex, and...

Okay, what if...

What if, in order to access the controls, you have to undress a character?

Why do all of your ideas involve limiting access to controls?

I don't think you know what fun is.

I don't know. I think I'm really going off the rails here.

You know what?

I need to go back to basics and, uh,

you know, trust my instincts, and... and if I...

Oh, that's weird.

- What? - I'm going through the engine code,

and someone just took assets off the server

and moved them to an off-site address.

Shit. It just happened again.

- Someone's stealing from us? - Yeah, yeah.

Um… Let me... Let me check the digital fingerprint,

and maybe I can…

- Is it Brendan? - Who, Pootie Shoe?

- Yeah. - I don't know. It's, um...

Oh, my God.

It's Dana.

So, let me get this straight.

The three of you put a new monetization tool into the game

without telling me, the executive producer, first.

- Judases. - Jo.

- David, I can explain. I... - No, no. It's too late to explain.

You see, 'cause Montreal called me up this morning,

and they had questions about our new NFT project.

And I had no idea what they were talking about.

- He had to vamp. - Yes, I did.

- He sucks at vamping. - Yes I... Well, no, I'm great at vamping.

- Really? You seemed flustered. M... - I wasn't flustered. I...

- You were stuttering. - I was stuttering be...

They have a thing where... Sometimes...

- You're supposed to ask. - Sorry, David.

Oh, they're sorry, Jo.

- They're sorry. - Yeah.

- Well, guess what? Sorry don't cut it. - Mm-mmm.

Because Montreal wants a name of who came up with this project,

and frankly, I do too.

Now, one of you was the mastermind to this nefarious little plot.

And I think I know exactly who…

it was.

It was me, David.

- What? - It's all my fault.

- No. - Okay, I was sick of being a figurehead

- and just thought that if I could... - No, no. N-No.

- Yes. - No!

- Yes. - No, Carol. No. It is him.

This is all part of Brad's devious, little plan.

He has a plan, you know. He told me.

You told me I wouldn't know anything about it, Brad.

You-You-You said I-I wouldn't feel it. But I do feel it.

I feel it everywhere. It's all up in me. It's on me. It's through me.

- It's so painful. - David, look. This isn't their fault.

It's not Brad or Carol's fault. Okay? It is my fault. I-It was my idea.

I'm confused. Is she taking the blame or the credit?

Both, interesting.

Neither. I was just trying to give David an out.

What is the out? What, I call Jacques and Jean-Luc,

and I'm like, "Oh, hey, yeah, this, uh...

This vagabond ex-employee takes full responsibility.

Yes, it's all cool, bros."

"Yeah, this, uh, you know, rando, unemployable woman

who just walked right into our office,

she's... she's making major financial decisions."

"Yes, don't sweat it, bros. It's all cool. It's all good, bro.

We're all a bunch of cool dudes, bro."

- I wouldn't put it that way. - Yeah, you shouldn't vamp.

- I'm gonna write something up for you. - I can vamp. I just... They...

Because they... And...

I just got an e-mail from Montreal.

They would like to speak with me later this afternoon.

- Dead Carol walking. - How do they already know about...

I sent them a message the second she said, "It was me."

Jo, you're supposed to ask.

Great meeting.

Oh, it's o... it's over? Okay.

Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh.

- What the... - Uh-uh-uh.

You're busted, you shitbag!

Way too hot, Pop. Way too hot.

Fine then, just you're busted, but you're busted good.

Okay, before this whole thing gets rolling,

I just wanna go on record as saying I was against the theatrics.

- What is going on? - You're a thief.

And now that I'm warmed up, you're also a shitbag.

And before you try to turn this around on me,

that's a licensed Getty image of Wayne Knight.

So there's no IP theft on my end.

What about the sound clip?

Uh, sounds like it was ripped straight from Jurassic Park.

Ah, shit.

Okay, you're confused, which is totally understandable

based on the theatrics that you just saw.

Um, so, I'm gonna take over this whole thing.

We noticed that, uh, there was some evidence

to suggest you were stripping some code out,

and then Poppy started shaking violently.

- Well, that's how I process adrenaline. - Sure.

Uh, either way, we realized we had to confront you.

And unfortunately there were some, uh, ridiculous antics that got us here,

but here we are.

You stole Hera.

Why would I steal Hera?

Because it's fun.

Oh, that look was devastating.

It's... Why is she still…

Respect me.

Poppy, I just downloaded the Playpen tool kit you made for me.

The... The tool set that I shat out to keep you busy?

Yeah, you kept saying you shat it out,

so I didn't think it was a big deal if I shared it with my friends.

It's actually pretty fun to mess around with.

You shared that piece of shit...

That, um, valuable, pro-proprietary program with your friends?

Why? It's shit.

I'm sorry, do you think it's shit? I... I can't tell.

I gotta be honest, I appreciate the initiative.

It's like you disrupted not having something to do.

It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

I'm not asking for forgiveness.

Yes. Yes, I like that.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Absolutely. And the more you say it, the more you believe it.

I do believe it.

She is learning. She is g...

- Hold on a second, sorry. - Learning what? I don't...

I get an alert every time there's a new move on the MQ movie.

Wait a second, they've attached a star. Joe Manganiello?

What? This guy?

- Oh. - No.

- This guy. - Oh.

No. I won't have it. No.

I'm so sorry, Dana.

Thanks, Ian.

Thank you. I understand. Goodbye.

That was the call, huh?

I'm sorry, Carol. I didn't mean to get you fired.

Okay, look, I mean, I'm sure this is pretty traumatic,

- but there's always a chance to rebound... - They promoted me. Again.

- Wait, what? - They love the NFTs.

They actually praised me for taking the ideas of a janitor

and a college dropout and called it

"sourcing ideas from under-utilized talent pools" or some shit.

They bumped me up to a new position

with stock options and an actual budget.

Short story, my gold handcuffs just went platinum.

Okay, wait, what's the new position?

Director of Unexplored Development Initiatives.

The DUDI.

And coupled with your previous responsibilities,

that makes you…

The HODI-DUDI?

The HODI-DUDI.

The HODI-DUDI.

The HODI-DUDI!

Failing up.

It feels so right. Or, should I say, white?

And this new DUDI can hire whoever she damn well pleases

because she's got an actual budget.

Interesting.

I don't have time for whatever amateur home brews

you and your mates have built.

I'm trying to run an eight-figure company. Goddamn it, Dana!

- Is that… - What?

Is this a Jolly Rancher in your hair?

It's a barrette.

Okay.

I made this in Playpen.

Okay, well, I mean… …the graphics are shit.

These are the max specs you programmed into Playpen.

How do you keep forgetting that you made this game?

Well, they're shit in an elegant way.

You know, I-impressive for such a bare-bones program.

Throw out your hands.

Whoa, what is this?

- It's a fishing game. - Right. That's what I thought.

- What did you think? - No, I didn't think it was anything weird.

I thought... I... I thought maybe it was a spoont simulator.

- Spoont? - Yeah. You know, like…

- I don't know what that is. - You know, like spoont. Like sprog.

- Just say what it is. - I am saying what it is.

- Oh! Oh, oh. What do I... - Reel it in!

All of this was made in Playpen?

Mm-hmm. It was. Everyone can make games with this.

- Hey. Come here, you little bitch. - Oh, there you go. There you go.

Here, I wanna show you another game we made.

- Okay. - Over here.

So, this one is amazing. You have to wrap the candies really fast,

- but if you miss more than six, you lose. - Okay.

And there's a cheat that I found where you can eat them.

It's weirdly satisfying.

Aw, we're like Lucy and Ethel.

I can't keep up with all your gay, throuple friends.

- I mean I Love Lucy. - I'm not hip.

- I don't know queer culture. - What?

It's like an insanely old, classic TV show.

- Are you actually eating something? - Mm-mmm.

Where did you get chocolates from?

I have pockets, Dana.

So?

So what?

- It's fun. - It's really basic.

- But fun. - Rudimentary.

- But fun? - Maybe for children,

or adults with baby brains.

- But it's… - Yes! It's fun.

Okay? You happy?

It's fun. But... But anyone can make something that's fun.

- You wanna play again? - Yeah, I wanna play again.

Okay, how about these, huh?

How do I look? Big-time Hollywood producer?

More like big-time Hollywood pedophile.

Okay, well, they're prescription. Can't return them.

- David? - Shooter!

David, get down!

- What? - Oh. David, I have Ian for you.

Thank you, Jo.

I don't know.

Uh, I came up to talk about the movie?

Oh, yeah. You saw the, uh, mention in the trades?

Yeah, we're, uh, pretty happy with the buzz.

- Right, Jo? - Pretty happy.

All right. Why was I not at least not consulted?

Why would you be?

Because I'm the visionary who came up with the entire story?

You were. Then you left.

Oh.

Okay, but I've been talking about doing an MQ movie for years.

- But I made it happen. - Oh.

All right, fine. But Joe Manganiello? I mean, come on.

No one's gonna believe that he could play me. He's not big enough.

He's like 6'4".

- 6'5". - 6'5". 6'5".

I meant my metaphysical size.

He doesn't have the presence to carry my stature.

- I get that. - Thank you, Jo.

Whose side are you on? Look, I'm-I'm sorry.

W... Who do you think this movie is about? You?

- Well, who else would it be about? - The game, obviously.

Well, I created the game.

So? Is Superman about the man who created Superman? No.

The guy's just some nerd who came up with a comic book.

Nerd.

No, the guy that created Superman would be Superman's dad.

Who, I guess, would technically be more powerful than Superman.

Jo, put it in the notes that David called me Superman.

No, do not put in the notes that this man is Superman.

You're not Superman, okay?

You are a 5'7" mortal man with no superpowers,

no ability to fly, and... and no ability to stop the movie.

We are making a movie without you.

Jo, can you put in the notes that I am 5'10"?

It's very clearly stated all over the Internet.

Jo, put in the notes that this man wears lifts in his shoes.

Jo, could you put in the notes

that this man is taking off his shoes and presenting them to David,

and to anybody who would like to see, that there is not a lift in those shoes.

And would you like to know the size? Thirteen.

- Let me see that. - No, sorry. It's back on my foot.

- It's too late. - That is so sad.

Put in the notes that David said he wanted to see my feet. Creepy.

Get out of my office, okay?

Whatever.

Little bitch.

Ian, come back.

- What's that? - Mr. Brittlesbee wasn't done with you.

I-I don't think you heard the last thing he said.

- Oh, what was it? - Oh, no, no, no, I...

- No, he heard... he heard everything. - I don't think he heard the last thing.

Oh, what was the last part?

I just... I said, you know, just...

Yeah, thanks... thanks, bro.

No, you said…

- Uh, cool. - Cool.

So, I... I can consult on the movie?

I-I mean, yeah. Uh, yeah. I mean...

Of course. It's cool.

- All right, awesome. Thanks. - Cool.

Just, uh... And also with, like,

all casting decisions, like, you gotta run those by me.

Yeah.

Thank you. That's all I'm... That's all I need.

I mean, like, casting decisions, things like that. I feel like, um…

What about Pitt, Brad Pitt?

Hire a 5'8" actor, you get a 5'8" performance.

Manganiello's real touchy on Brad Pitt. So, let's not.

I'm putting it out there, and we'll let the universe sort it out.

Yeah.

Okay, all right. Okay, thank you. Thanks, David. Thanks, Jo.

- See you, bro. - Thank you.

Oh, my God, Brad. Jesus. Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's great. Why wouldn't it be?

Be-Because you... you texted me,

"911, Rachel. Come fast. 911. It's an emergency. 911."

Yeah, never mind that.

- What? - Rachel,

you think you could be a good person and make enormous amounts of money?

I don't know, Brad. Why are you asking me this?

Because Carol needs a new HOMIE,

but I'm not sure I'm the right person for it anymore.

I'm too…

good.

Uh…

Oh, you're serious. Um, no.

Don't... Don't say that. You're still evil.

Name one evil thing I've done in the last two months.

Uh…

I mean, you're more sketchy than evil recently.

But that's, like, kind of in the same vibe.

Okay, look, Brad. It's good. It's a good thing.

It's-It... You're... You're... You're turning a new leaf.

You know, that's great, Brad.

And you can absolutely be a good person and be Head of Monetization.

Games have to be profitable. Players get that.

It's just about finding creative ways

to add value for the money they're spending.

And, you know, letting them know that you really respect them and the game.

You're not just trying to take their money.

I don't know, I think it could be so great for MQ

to have a Head of Monetization that really cares about stuff like that.

Great, so you'll take the job?

- What? Me? - Yes, you.

Uh, no, no. I'm gonna... I'm, uh, gonna be a writer, Brad.

Ugh, yuck. You have a natural gift for monetization.

You're afraid it'll make you a bad person.

It goes against all of your ideals.

That's why I knew the only person that could talk you into it is yourself.

Oh, you are evil.

I'm also unable to assume my former position

because of SEC issues.

But you can do it, and I can help you. And together we'll be unstoppable.

Just think about it.

Oh, whoops. I hit a button.

Wha... Uh, which one did I hit? Is it... I think I...

Now none of them are working. Why are none of them working?

- Okay, we'll get there. - Did I... Wait, hold on, I can do it.

Yo, Poppy. I was thinking about the spoont... the fishing game,

and I bet if we go to a different part of the island, we can catch something.

Leave me alone.

What's going on? You okay?

No, I'm... I'm not okay.

Aw, do you have the taffy shits again? I am not loaning you my sweats this time.

I'm a failure.

A failure? You?

I spent a year of my life building Hera.

It was my dream. It was meant to be the thing.

It was meant to be the... the... the thing that launched me into the stratosphere,

like what Mythic Quest did for Ian. And it's garbage.

But think about how great Playpen is.

- And you built that in, like, half a day. - Right, exactly.

I... I built a bunch of tools

that now other people are using to make fun games.

And I didn't even know that it was fun. You had to tell me.

- That's the problem. - I just...

I don't see it.

I don't see it like Ian does.

I build systems.

I'm a glorified mechanic.

And, um…

…you know, people…

people don't celebrate mechanics.

Just once, I wanted to feel what Ian feels.

Come with me.

Where are we going? I-I don't know if I like this.

I don't want to play any more games more fun than mine.

I just want to show you something real quick.

Uh, what is it?

Is this some kind of brawly, fist... fistfight-y game?

'Cause I will leave none of you alive!

No! Sorry, she's really passionate.

These are my classmates, and they came to see you.

They've been building games in Playpen.

Everybody, this is Poppy Li.

- This is for me? - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Ian! Ian, I-I got it. I saw it. I figured it out.

- Ian! - Oh!

Ian! Ian!

- Hey, Pop. - Why aren't you answering your phone?

Um, uh, I'm kind of busy with something. What's up?

Playpen.

- Huh? - Hear me out.

I know that it looks like shit,

and it's so simple a child could have coded it. But it's fun!

I could work on Hera for a billion years, and it will never be that.

But somehow, I don't know how, I don't know why...

But it turns out that my masterpiece is Playpen.

You want to pivot from Hera and just focus on Playpen?

- Yeah. - And you see it?

Mmm. I saw it.

- You're sure? - Yes.

Great, awesome! Let's work on that!

- Okay! Oh, oh. - All right.

Hold on one sec. Not right this second.

Ian, get back here and finish the job.

I'm so... Are you with someone right now?

Yeah, Shannon came over.

Shannon. Sha... Sh...

Oh, Shannon your ex.

Oh, no. Are you guys doing weird shit in here?

- Yeah. - Ugh, I don't want to see this.

Then why did you come over?

Well, I didn't know that you were having an orgy.

Orgy? We didn't talk about this.

I'm not saying I'm against it, but we should discuss.

- I'd be open to that conversation. - Yeah. Not with her though.

- Oh, Christ, no! Not with her. - No, definitely not with me.

Although to be clear, if I was involved, it'd be the best you'd ever had.

I am very good at sex.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Okay, well, um, this has been great.

But clearly we're super busy, so I guess…

Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. I-I-I get the win today.

I get to say, "See you tomorrow."

Okay, cool. Shoot.

See you tomorrow.

Great. Bye.

Bye.