Original subtitles

(fireworks popping)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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- LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, Y'ALL READY FOR THIS BITCH?

[cheers and applause]

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR MR. KATT WILLIAMS!

[heartbeat]

- AS FAR RETIREMENTS GO,

THIS ONE HAS CLEARLY HIT ROCK BOTTOM.

BUT NOW, WHAT A WONDERFUL PLACE TO BE.

AND LOOK AT ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

QUESTION IS, WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND

CAN COME FROM THREE YEARS LIVING UNDER A ROCK

AND THEN COME BACK INTO THIS?

WHY, YOU NEED MORE THAN YOUR HAIR DONE UP

IN THE MAYOR OF WHOVILLE STYLE AND A CAPE.

LUCKILY FOR ME, I ALWAYS HAVE A SECRET WEAPON.

[heartbeat]

[MC Hammer by Rick Ross]

♪ ♪

- BOSS.

RICKY ROSS.

IT'S TRIPLE "C".

COLOR, CUT, CLARITY.

♪ MY GUN DIRTY ♪

♪ MY BRICK CLEAN ♪

♪ I'M RIDING DIRTY ♪

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF LOS ANGELES,

WELCOME TO 2012, GODDAMN IT!

LOOK AROUND. SHIT!

WHOO!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

2012 IS UPON US, AND BITCH NIGGAS AIN'T HAPPY ABOUT IT.

I GOTTA TELL YOU WHY.

FIRST OF ALL, HOW MANY PEOPLE IS HAPPY THAT BARACK OBAMA

IS THE PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?

[cheers and applause]

NOW, I UNDERSTAND HOW THAT COULD BE A DIVISIVE ISSUE.

BUT AMERICA AIN'T ABOUT DIVISION, GODDAMN IT.

IT'S ABOUT UNITY.

AND NEVER HAVE WHITE PEOPLE AND BLACK PEOPLE

BEEN SO UNITED AND DISGUSTED

AT THE SAME GODDAMN TIME AS WE ARE RIGHT NOW.

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME SAY THIS IN FRONT OF NIGGAS.

WE HAVE HAD A BLACK PRESIDENT FOR QUITE SOME TIME RIGHT NOW,

AND WE HAVE NOT HAD AN OPPORTUNITY AS NIGGAS

TO THANK YOU, WHITE PEOPLE,

FOR THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LET OUR COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF,

A NIGGA, RUN THIS GODDAMN COUNTRY.

WE APPRECIATE THAT.

YOU DIDN'T KILL HIM.

YOU LET THE NIGGA SHOW UP TO WORK.

WE THANK YOU VERY MUCH, WHITE PEOPLE.

UNDERSTAND THAT FROM NIGGAS.

[cheers and applause]

NOW, WHAT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND, WHITE PEOPLE,

IS WE HAVE BEEN CONFUSED

EVER SINCE THE NIGGA GOT ELECTED.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

WE WORKING ON FAITH, WHITE PEOPLE.

UNDERSTAND...

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- WHEN A NIGGA TAKES THE OFFICE,

AS NIGGAS, WE HAVE A MEETING.

WHITE PEOPLE--"WHAT?"

AS NIGGAS, WE HAVE A MEETING.

WE DECIDED WE WAS GONNA SUPPORT HIM.

NOW, AS A NIGGA,

IT IS HARD FOR US TO NOT TALK SHIT

ABOUT WHAT A MOTHERFUCKER'S DOING ON HIS GODDAMN JOB.

THAT'S KIND OF OUR SHIT IS TO TALK SHIT

ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK YOU SHOULD BE DOING.

NOW, NIGGAS SOMEHOW SWALLOWED ALL THAT.

AND NIGGAS SUPPORTED OBAMA EVERY STEP OF THE GODDAMN WAY.

AND IN THE BEGINNING,

WE WAS TALKING WITH BASS IN OUR VOICE,

AND USING GESTURES, AND STOMPING OUR FEET AND SHIT.

LOOK, HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS

TO RUN THIS COUNTRY IN THE GODDAMN GROUND?

NOW, YOU WANT THIS NIGGA TO DO MAGIC?

THAT WAS US EIGHT MONTHS AFTER THE ELECTION.

THAT WAS US.

FOUR MONTHS AFTER THAT, WE HAD LOST ALL THE BASS OUR VOICE.

WE JUST--"LOOK, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS NIGGA IS DOING,

"BUT HE'S TRYING, OKAY?

"YOU GOT TO GIVE THIS NIGGA A CHANCE.

"WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE WORKING WITH RIGHT NOW.

HE--"

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME JUST TELL YOU, ON BEHALF OF NIGGAS,

NOBODY WATCHES A PRESIDENTIAL SPEECH HARDER THAN NIGGAS.

WE BE WAITING ON THIS NIGGA TO SAY ANYTHING

THAT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH US.

WE J--

[laughter]

WHITE PEOPLE, I'VE BEEN SO PROUD OF Y'ALL.

Y'ALL HAVE BECOME NIGGAS IN THIS RECESSION

THE WAY I KNEW YOU COULD.

OH, LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE--

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'BECAME NIGGAS'?" OH, YES.

OH, WE ALL NIGGAS NOW. YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT?

YOU DIDN'T HEAR ABOUT THE 99%?

THAT'S NIGGAS.

MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

NOT GONNA BE ABOUT RACE NO MORE IN 2012.

MM-MM. IT'S BIGGER THAN THAT.

AIN'T ABOUT WHITE AND BLACK. NO, NO, AIN'T ABOUT THAT.

IT'S ABOUT YOU VERSUS THEM.

THEM VERSUS US.

WE VERSUS THEM.

AND FUCK THEY MOTHERFUCKING ASSES BEFORE WE BEGIN.

NOW,

UNDERSTAND THIS, WHITE PEOPLE,

YOU CANNOT CONFUSE THE FACTS.

YOU ONLY VOTED FOR THIS NIGGA BECAUSE HE WAS

KIND OF A NIGGA.

HE WASN'T NO FULL-FLEDGED NIGGA.

YOU WASN'T GONNA PUT NO WHOLE NIGGA

IN THE GODDAMN WHITE HOUSE.

AND NOW YOU WANNA BLAME THIS NIGGA

FOR NOT DOING NIGGARDLY SHIT?

"HE NEVER GETS ANGRY. HE NEVER RAISES HIS VOICE.

HE'S JUST NOT STRONG ENOUGH. HE WON'T--"

YOU WANT HIM TO BE A NIGGA?

I DON'T THINK YOU WANT HIM TO BE A NIGGA. I DON'T--

I DON'T THINK YOU READY TO SEE MICHELLE OBAMA

COME TO THE NEWS CONFERENCE IN FLIP-FLOPS.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY.

[laughter]

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

WE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

AS BLACK PEOPLE, WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WAS GON' HAPPEN.

ALL WE KNEW WAS IT WAS TIME FOR SOME SHIT TO HAPPEN.

THAT'S ALL WE KNEW.

YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE US IN THE FACT

THAT WE VOTED FOR A NIGGA TO BE A SUPERHERO

AND FORGOT TO ASK THE NIGGA, "COULD HE FLY?"

[laughter]

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND HOW READY NIGGAS WAS

THE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION.

YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

WE WAS READY FOR ANYTHING.

THAT NIGGA COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING.

WE WAS AT THE HOUSE IN DOUBLE DUTCH MODE, JUST...

[laughter]

THAT NIGGA COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING.

BARACK OBAMA COULD HAVE CAME OUT THE NEXT DAY AFTER THE ELECTION

AND SAID, "I WANT ALL NIGGAS

TO GO OUTSIDE AND CLEAN UP TRASH,"

AND IT'D HAVE BEEN GANGBANGERS ALL OVER INGLEWOOD JUST...

[laughter]

I DON'T THINK YOU WANNA

DROP THAT RIGHT THERE TODAY, MY NIGGA.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

[laughter]

NOW, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK GOING ON.

WE JUST WAITING ON OBAMA TO GIVE US OUR WORD.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG,

THAT NIGGA COULD GIVE US ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.

THAT NIGGA COULD GIVE NIGGAS

FREE SMALL FRIES EVERY 14th THURSDAY,

AND THAT WOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH.

BUT, WHITE PEOPLE, WHAT WE AIN'T GONNA LET YOU DO

IS TALK ABOUT THIS NIGGA LIKE HE AIN'T A CHILD OF GOD.

THIS NIGGA BEEN OUT THERE DOING HIS GODDAMN JOB.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING,

I DO SEEM TO REMEMBER THAT FOR EIGHT YEARS,

WE COULDN'T FIND THE SAME ONE GODDAMN TERRORIST

WE WAS LOOKING FOR.

I SAID, "ONE GODDAMN TERRORIST THAT WE WAS LOOKING FOR."

I SAID, "ONE GODDAMN TERRORIST THAT WE WAS LOOKING FOR."

AND MY GODDAMN PRESIDENT

DONE KILLED EVERY GODDAMN TERRORIST

THAT EVER GODDAMN LIVED.

YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT.

[cheers and applause]

I'M NOT SAYING IF YOU PUT A NIGGA IN THE WHITE HOUSE,

HE WON'T FUCK UP THE CREDIT OF THE COUNTRY.

[laughter]

BUT IF YOU WANT SOME TERRORISTS,

YOU GET YOURSELF A NIGGA.

BARACK OBAMA DIDN'T HAVE TO SEND IN

THE ARMY, AND THE NAVY, AND THE COAST GUARD.

BARACK OBAMA SENT THREE MOTHERFUCKERS IN.

KILLED EVERY TERRORIST.

JUST ONE TO SHOOT 'EM, AND TWO TO POSE.

JUST...BAP, BAP!

♪ THE LAND OF THE FREE ♪

[cheers and applause]

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT NONE OF THAT BULLSHIT.

I THOUGHT PRESIDENT BUSH SAID

THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS THE AXIS OF EVIL.

I THOUGHT HE SAID HE WAS BEELZEBUB HIMSELF.

FOR MY SPANISH FRIENDS,

"SATAN, EL DIABLO."

[laughter]

NOT MY MOTHERFUCKING PRESIDENT.

MY PRESIDENT FOUND THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN AN UNFURNISHED,

ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT WITH TWO GODDAMN MATTRESSES,

NO BACKBOARD, ONE BITCH, NO PHONE, NO GUN,

THREE LAPTOPS, AND A SMART PHONE.

THERE'S SOME DRUG DEALERS IN HERE TONIGHT,

GOT THAT IN AN ESCALADE.

NO.

NO, YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH AMERICA, BABY.

UH-UH, ALL THE TERRORISTS GONE.

WHAT OF FUCKING SADDAM HUSSEIN?

OH, HE WAS A DICTATOR FOR 40 YEARS.

THEY PULLED THAT MOTHERFUCKER OUT OF A EIGHT-FOOT HOLE

WITH A TWINKIE, A DING-DONG,

AND A KING JAMES VERSION OF A COPY OF THE BIBLE.

THAT NIGGA CAME OUT THE HOLE

LOOKING LIKE ME WITH NO PERM IN A MUG SHOT.

[laughter]

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

DUDE SAID, "YOU'RE UGLY."

YEAH, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO THINK THAT, FAG.

I DON'T DO THIS SHIT FOR WHAT MEN THINK.

WE'RE ALL MEN. WE ALL THINK LIKE MEN.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING--

IF YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING THAT'LL SUSTAIN YOU,

LET ME SHOW YOU A LITTLE SECRET

AS TO WHAT GIVES ME THE STRENGTH TO SAY

"FUCK SATAN" RIGHT IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING FACE.

LADIES, WOULD YOU MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING NOISE ONE TIME?

[women cheering]

WHOO!

WELL...

WELL, SWEET BABY JESUS, HOO, HOO, HOO.

YES, FELLAS. IT'S 2012.

IF YOU GOT YOU A GIRL, TIME TO STOP FUCKING AROUND.

IT'S 2012, IT'S THE GODDAMN FOURTH QUARTER.

WHATEVER DECISION YOU FUCKING MADE,

IT'S DONE NOW.

NOW, LADIES, THAT DON'T APPLY TO Y'ALL.

I UNDERSTAND SOME OF Y'ALL

MIGHT BE IN HERE WITH A STEPPIN' STONE NIGGA.

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY TO GET YOU THROUGH TILL YOU SEE YOURSELF.

NOTHIN' WRONG WITH THAT.

BUT 2012 HAS COME, AND THEY GOT SOME SURPRISES FOR US,

AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

MAKE SURE YOU GOT SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE

THAT BELONG YOU--

SOME SHIT THAT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU.

WHAT I'M SAYING FELLAS,

IF YOU GOT A WOMAN THAT'S SPECIAL IN YOUR LIFE,

PUT THE GAMES ON HOLD FOR A SECOND,

AND FUCK THIS BITCH LIKE YOU NEED HER IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE.

JUST FUCK HER LIKE YOU NEED HER IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE,

IN CASE THE WORLD COME TO AN END ON 2012.

NOW, LADIES...

LADIES, WE NEED Y'ALL

COME ON BACK HOME.

I UNDERSTAND SOME OF YOU LADIES DONE GOT BESIDE YOURSELF.

WE DIDN'T SAY SHIT.

WE SAW IT HAPPENING, WE DIDN'T SAY SHIT.

WE SAW Y'ALL GOING OFF TO THE LITTLE FREAKY NASTY,

LITTLE DIRTY, LITTLE SNEAKY FREAKY, LITTLE NASTY STORE.

AND WE SAW YOU PURCHASING YOURSELF ITEMS

FOR 24, 29, 39.95,

AND WE KNOW YOU GOT YOURSELF A RABBIT AND A BULLET,

AND A BULLET WITH A RABBIT.

NOW, THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH IT, LADIES,

BUT TIME TO BRING YOUR ASS BACK HOME FOR 2012.

SOME OF Y'ALL DONE FUCKED YOUR WHOLE CLITORIS UP,

FUCKING AROUND.

LOOK AT THE LADIES. "WHAT?"

SOME OF YOU LADIES HAVE FUCKED YOUR ENTIRE VAGINA UP

BEING GREEDY.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOMETHING

THAT CAN HIT YOUR SPOT EVERY TIME, BITCH,

DOES NOT MEAN YOU GOT TO HIT THAT MOTHERFUCKER

136 TIMES ON TARGET, JUST--

[imitates buzzing]

FUCKED YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN CLITORIS UP.

US FELLAS, WE REMEMBER YOUR CLITORIS THE WAY IT USED TO BE.

WE REMEMBER WHEN THAT MOTHERFUCKER WAS SO SHY

IT WOULDN'T EVEN COME OUT THE HOOD.

YOU HAD TO GET DOWN THERE AND TALK SWEET TO IT AND SHIT.

"YOU JUST COME ON OUT OF THERE.

I SEE YOU IN THERE."

[laughter]

NOW YOU DONE HIT THAT MOTHERFUCKER SO MANY TIMES,

THAT BITCH IS ALL OUTSIDE OF YOUR CLITORIS,

JUST OUTSIDE OF THE CAMEL TOE,

PUSHING THE LABIA BACK.

"BITCH, YOUR CLITORIS IS SCARING MY PENIS.

YOU CAN'T EVEN--"

[laughter]

MY ONLY POINT IS IT'S TIME TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

IT DON'T MATTER IF WHAT YOU GOT IN YOUR LIFE IS FUCKED UP.

THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK YOU GOT.

2012 COMING,

AND THEY NOT GOING TO TELL US THE SHIT WE NEED TO KNOW.

THAT'S WHY WE ALL GOT TO WORK TOGETHER.

WHITE PEOPLE, WE NEED Y'ALL TO REMEMBER

THAT Y'ALL WERE HERE WITH US.

YOU LOVE MEXICANS AND NIGGAS, AND DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T.

LOOK AT THEM ON THE SPOT.

[laughter]

I CERTAINLY DO.

WHITE PEOPLE, THIS IS GONNA BE IMPORTANT.

2012 IS COMING.

THEY SAY IT IS GONNA BE THE END OF THE WORLD,

AND, WHITE PEOPLE, WE KNOW HOW Y'ALL DO

WHEN Y'ALL GET SOME GODDAMN INFORMATION DON'T NOBODY KNOW.

WHITE PEOPLE DON'T NEVER LEAVE.

THEY JUST DISAPPEAR.

JUST--

[laughter]

NIGGAS, WE GOTTA BE CAREFUL IN 2012.

THEY TRYING TO FUCK US OVER.

AS BLACK PEOPLE, WE NEVER LEAVE ON TIME.

BROKE PEOPLE, WE NEVER LEAVE.

AS BROKE FOLKS, WE ALWAYS GOT TOO MUCH SHIT,

TOO MANY ENDS TO PUT TOGETHER.

NOT RICH PEOPLE.

RICH PEOPLE GET THEY SHIT,

FIND OUT SOMETHING IS FUCKED UP, AND THEY LEAVE.

AND I SPEAK FOR NIGGAS.

AND NIGGAS AIN'T GOT NOWHERE TO GODDAMN GO, WHITE PEOPLE.

IF THE TERRORISTS STRIKE,

EVERYBODY FROM IRELAND CAN GO RIGHT BACK TO IRELAND.

EVERYBODY FROM ENGLAND GO RIGHT BACK.

DRAKE AND 100 CANADIANS, ALL THE WAY.

♪ MAYBE SHE WILL ♪

WHAT ABOUT NIGGAS?

WE GOTTA GO TO OUR GRANDMAMMA HOUSE

AND FIGURE OUT HOW MANY MINIVANS WE EVEN GOT IN THE FAMILY.

IT'S COMING DOWN. 2012.

WHITE PEOPLE, WE GONNA NEED YOU TO TELL US

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

THEY AIN'T GONNA TELL US ON B.E.T.

ABOUT THE END OF THE GODDAMN WORLD.

JUST UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING.

THE VIDEOS STILL GONNA PLAYING.

THEY NOT EVEN GONNA PUT SHIT DOWN AT THE BOTTOM.

"NIGGAS, LOOK OUTSIDE. THE WORLD IS ENDING."

NOTHING.

[laughter]

EVERY TIME I SEE MY PRESIDENT,

IT LOOK TO ME LIKE THEY DONE TOLD THAT NIGGA SOME SHIT

HE CAN'T FUCKING TELL US.

EVERY TIME YOU SEE OBAMA, HE LOOKING LIKE THIS.

[laughter]

UNDERSTAND.

WE ALREADY KILLED ALL THE TERRORISTS.

AIN'T NO FUCKING MORE.

THEY BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF MUAMMAR GADDAFI'S ASS.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO MUAMMAR GADDAFI.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER WAS THE PRESIDENT OF HIS COUNTRY,

AND, THANKS TO FACEBOOK...

[laughter]

THEY GAVE THIS...

THEY GAVE THIS MOTHERFUCKER A BEATING

NIGGAS WASN'T EVEN FAMILIAR WITH.

IT'S HARD TO IMPRESS NIGGAS WITH GETTING YOUR ASS WHOOPED.

AS NIGGAS, WE'VE SEEN IT DONE ALL KINDS OF WAYS.

NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF NIGGADOM

HAVE WE EVER SEEN A MOTHERFUCKER GET HIS ASS WHOOPED

ALL THE WAY TO AN EXECUTION.

YOU BEAT THIS NIGGAS ASS TO KILL HIM?

YOU COULD'VE JUST KILLED HIM. Y'ALL SORRY SONS OF BITCHES.

AND CNN AIN'T SHIT.

CNN SAID THEY WASN'T GONNA SHOW IT WHILE THEY WERE SHOWING IT

IN SLOW MOTION,

AND PUT SUBTITLES UNDER THIS BITCH

SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WAS SAYING CLEARLY.

[whoops indistinctly]

"STOP IT. YOU'RE KILLING ME.

I AM THE PRESIDENT."

THEY BEAT THAT NIGGA LIKE CONRAD MURRAY

AT A MICHAEL JACKSON CONCERT.

[laughter]

OH, IT--

2012 IS FOR REAL.

THEY SAID THE MAYANS WAS TALKING ABOUT 2012.

THEN THEY SAID THE MAYANS DISAPPEARED.

I'M HERE TO TELL MY PEOPLE IT'S TIME

TO STOP BELIEVING BULLSHIT

JUST 'CAUSE A MOTHERFUCKER TELL YOU BULLSHIT

WITH A STRAIGHT LOOK ON THEIR FACE.

WE TOO OLD, WE TOO SMART.

WE TOO MOTHERFUCKING GOOD TO BELIEVE SHIT

DON'T MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE.

YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE BELIEVING IN EVOLUTION

WITH YOUR STUPID, MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS.

EVOLUTION SAY PEOPLE CAME FROM MONKEYS,

AND THE QUESTION IS, "WHY IS THERE STILL MONKEYS,

YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER, YOU?"

IS THESE THE RETARDED MONKEYS?

THEY DIDN'T TURN INTO PEOPLE JUST YET?

GET YOUR STUPID ASS THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

[laughter]

FITTIN' TO BE 2012,

AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE SOMETHING.

DON'T NOBODY GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU BELIEVE.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE SOMETHING.

IF THERE'S ANY ATHEISTS IN THE HOUSE,

LET ME SAY, "YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS."

I DON'T CARE WHAT GOD YOU BELIEVE IN,

YOU GOT TO BE A SPECIAL KIND OF RETARDED

TO BE TOO STUPID TO MAKE UP A GOD IF THERE WASN'T ONE.

POOR THING, WHO DO YOU EVEN PRAY TO?

NOBODY.

EVEN WHEN YOU'RE FUCKING, WHY DO YOU FUCK?

YOU CAN'T EVEN COME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU COME, ATHEIST?

"OH, OH, OH..."

NOTHING. THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN.

YOU CAN'T EVEN--

[laughter]

2012's COMING.

WE ALREADY READY.

BEEN READY.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN--

BELIEVE IN SOMETHING.

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME TELL YOU THIS--

EVERY TIME YOU SEE A NIGGA, THAT DOES NOT MEAN

THAT NIGGA HAS BEEN ENDORSED BY OTHER NIGGAS.

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME STAND HERE

IN FRONT OF ALL THESE NIGGAS AND SAY PUBLICLY,

WE WERE SO MOTHERFUCKING EMBARRASSED

WHEN HERMAN, BLACK, JIMINY-CRICKET-ASS CAIN.

CAME OUT THE GODDAMN WOODWORK.

WHITE PEOPLE, DO YOU SEE US?

LOOK AT NIGGAS. WE...

WE HAD NO IDEA, WHITE PEOPLE. WE HAD NO...

AND SOME WHITE PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, HIM FUCKING PEOPLE?"

NO, NO, WE DIDN'T CLEAR THAT NIGGA.

[laughter]

WE DID NOT CLEAR THIS NIGGA, WHITE PEOPLE.

DO YOU HEAR?

AIN'T NOBODY KNOW THIS NIGGA. THIS NIGGA...

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME SAY WHEN NIGGAS FOUND OUT

WHAT WITH THIS NIGGA'S QUALIFICATIONS WAS

FOR RUNNING THE COUNTRY,

WHEN WE FOUND OUT THIS NIGGA SOLD PIZZA...

[laughter]

LET ME USE YOUR WORD, WHITE PEOPLE,

WE WERE FLABBERGASTED.

[laughter]

THE AUDACITY OF THIS NIGGA!

IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR GOOD-PIZZA-SELLING ASS

ON SOMEWHERE, HERMAN...

NIGGAS THAT HAD A HARD ENOUGH TIME

TRYING TO GODDAMN STICK UP FOR BARACK.

HERE COME HERMAN CAIN'S STUPID ASS.

NIGGA, YOU CAN'T BE NO GODDAMN PRESIDENT.

NIGGA, YOUR NAME IS HERMAN CAIN.

THAT'S TWO REASONS YOU CAN'T BE PRESIDENT, NIGGA.

YOUR FIRST NAME IS HERMAN, NIGGA,

YOU CAN'T BE PRESIDENT IF YOUR NAME IS HERMAN.

NIGGA, SAY IT THREE TIMES, HERMAN, HERMAN, HERMAN.

LISTEN TO THAT.

WE ALREADY HAD A FAMOUS HERMAN. HE WAS A MONSTER, NIGGA,

YOU CAN'T BE NO GODDAMN PRESIDENT.

TALKING ABOUT YOU SOLD SOME GODDAMN PIZZA TO WHO?

YOU DIDN'T SELL IT TO NIGGAS.

WHITE PEOPLE, WE NEVER HEARD OF GODDAMN GODFATHER'S PIZZA,

LET ALONE HAVE A SLICE.

THAT NIGGA AIN'T BEEN BEATING DOMINO'S.

DOMINO'S HAS BEEN BEATIN' THE DOG SHIT

OUT OF THAT GODDAMN PIZZA PLACE.

HE CAN'T EVEN BEAT LITTLE CAESARS,

AND LITTLE CAESARS AIN'T EVEN EVERYWHERE.

HE SURE AIN'T GONNA BEAT PAPA JOHN,

THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S ON CRACK OR SOMETHING.

HE WANT TO MAKE THE PIZZA, DELIVER THE PIZZA,

EAT THE PIZZA, BE IN THE COMMERCIAL.

PAPA JOHN'S.

WE AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO BEAT HIM, HERMAN.

YOUR LAST NAME IS CAIN, NIGGA, YOU KILLED ABEL, NIGGA.

IF YOU DON'T GET THE FUCK UP OUT OF HERE,

FUCKING IT UP FOR NIGGAS.

WHOO.

WHITE PEOPLE WANT BARACK OBAMA OUT OF OFFICE SO GODDAMN BAD.

OH, YOU SHOULD HEAR THEM MOTHERFUCKERS ON TALK RADIO.

OH, THEY HATE THIS NIGGA.

IF THEY COULD SAY THE WORD "NIGGA,"

OH, THEY'D SAY IT EVERY--

OH, THEY HATE THIS NIGGA.

OH...

OH, "GODDAMN, HE'S FUCKIN' FUCKIN' UP

THE GODDAMN COUNTRY IS WHAT HE'S DOIN'.

GODDAMN ENTITLEMENT.

[laughter]

POOR NIGGA, POOR NIGGA. JUST...

UNDERSTAND, IT'S FITTIN' TO BE 2012.

THE MAYANS WASN'T BULLSHITTIN'.

THE MAYANS SAID IT WAS SOME SHIT OUT THERE,

AND THEN SUDDENLY, THE MAYANS DISAPPEARED.

NOW, THEY TELL US THE MAYANS DISAPPEARED

'CAUSE THEY CAN'T FIND NONE OF THEIR FUCKIN' BONES.

BUT LET ME REMIND YOU

THAT YOU'VE CAN GO TO ANY MOTHERFUCKIN' MUSEUM

ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD,

AND THEY GOT A WHOLE 62-FOOT DINOSAUR

FROM HIS NOSE ALL THE WAY TO HIS NUT SACK,

AND HIS TOES, 5 BILLION GODDAMN YEARS AGO.

[laughter]

HAD A LITTLE COMPANY USED TO BE IN AMERICA CALLED NASA,

STANDING FOR "NATIONAL AIR SPACE EXPLORATION."

[laughter]

TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, NIGGAS, IT STOOD FOR GOING UP THERE.

LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE--"THAT IS NOT WHAT IT STOOD FOR AT ALL."

[laughter]

"THAT WOULD BE N-E-A-S-A. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S T--"

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS

NASA USED TO REPORT TO US,

LET US KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY WAS DOING.

AND FOR 40 YEARS, THEY SPENT $500 MILLION A YEAR

SENDING SPACE SHUTTLES UP, BRINGING THEM BACK DOWN,

AND THEY USED TO LET US SEE 'EM WHEN THEY TOOK OFF.

[imitates rocket]

AND THEN WHEN THEY LANDED, WE'D BE RIGHT THERE,

AND WE'D SAY, "SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT."

THEN THEY STARTED DOING SNEAKY SHIT.

TAKING OFF THE SPACE SHUTTLES

AT 3:00 IN THE GODDAMN MORNIN' AND SHIT,

LANDING THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

AND IF THERE AIN'T NOBODY LOOKING, THEY'D JUST WALK OFF,

JUST--[imitates rocket]

[laughter]

AND NOW ON CNN,

THEY SAY THEY JUST DISCOVERED

16 NEW SUPER-EARTHS.

16 NEW SUPER-EARTHS.

NOW, LET ME SPEAK FOR ALL NIGGAS WHEN I SAY,

"WHAT THE FUCK IS A GODDAMN SUPER-EARTH?

"WE THOUGHT THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS SUPER

THE WHOLE GODDAMN TIME."

LOOK AT NIGGAS, "I DON'T BELIEVE NONE OF THIS SHIT."

IT'S TRUE, NIGGAS,

THEY HAD IT ON CNN THE SAME GODDAMN DAY I WAS ON CNN.

HOW THE FUCK COULD I HAVE MISSED THAT?

THEY PUT THE SHIT RIGHT UP UNDER ME,

BLEW A NIGGA'S WHOLE HIGH, JUST, "16 NEW SUPER EARTHS?"

[laughter]

THEY PLANNING ON LEAVING US, PEOPLE.

[laughter]

PLEASE REMEMBER WHERE YOU HEARD IT FIRST,

RIGHT AT THE CUSP OF 2012.

THEY ARE PLANNING ON LEAVING OUR MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS RIGHT THERE.

THEY GOT SPACE SHUTTLES LINED UP

WITH GPS NAVIGATION, ONSTAR...

[laughter]

'CAUSE REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU THE 99%--THEM WAS NIGGAS?

AND WE'RE THE ORIGINAL NIGGAS.

RICH PEOPLE IS TIRED OF GOING ON VACATION, SEEING NIGGAS.

[laughter]

RICH PEOPLE MAKE $100 MILLION DOLLARS.

CAN'T ESCAPE NIGGAS.

MAKE $100 MILLION DOLLARS, GO TO AFRICA FOR A SAFARI,

AND ALL THEY WANNA SEE IS SOME ANIMALS.

NIGGAS EVERYWHERE.

"IT WAS A NIGGA THAT LED US TO THE GIRAFFE.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH?"

LOOK ON YOUR MAP WHEN YOU GET HOME.

LOOK AT EVERYWHERE THAT NIGGAS ARE.

SURE, THEY BROKE.

SURE, THEY HUNGRY.

[laughter]

EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM NIGGAS

LIVE RIGHT UP UNDER A PALM TREE ON A SANDY BEACH.

GO AHEAD.

TRY TO TAKE YOUR DUMB ASS TO JAMAICA AND NOT SEE NIGGAS.

GO ON. THE WHOLE BAHAMAS.

GO ON OVER THERE, TURKS AND CAICOS.

SEE HOW MANY NIGGAS YOU SEE.

GO ON TO HAITI. NIGGAS, NIGGAS EVERYWHERE.

JUST NIGGAS THROWN ON THE STREET, JUST...

STOMACHS GROWLING, PERFECTLY TANNED.

[laughter]

BETTER BELIEVE SOMETHING.

THIS SHIT GONNA COME TO A MOTHERFUCKING END.

BETTER HAVE SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.

IF YOU'RE A CHRISTIAN, MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING NOISE IN THE HOUSE

IF YOU'RE A CHRISTIAN.

[crowd cheers] OH, YES. YES.

Y'ALL SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST EXCITED.

OH. OH.

AS LONG AS Y'ALL DONE HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT?

OH...

CHRISTIANS SUPPOSED TO BE WALKING RIGHT UP TO 2012.

[laughter]

FACT OF THE MATTER IS

SOME PEOPLE BEEN LYING ON JESUS.

AND HE'S FITTIN' TO COME BACK.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO LIE TO HIM WHEN HE LOOKING AT YOU.

ALL THAT SHIT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT,

JESUS GIVING A FUCK 'BOUT YOUR BUILDING FUND.

[laughter]

I BET JESUS DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOUR ROOF.

I BET HE DON'T EVEN KNOW, BET HE DON'T EVEN KNOW.

MM-HMM.

BETTER HOPE HE DON'T COME BACK,

'CAUSE SOMEBODY BEEN BULLSHITTING.

EVERYBODY AIN'T BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH.

SEE, ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKERS BE TALKING

ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD

'CAUSE THEY DON'T WANT THAT MOTHERFUCKER TO COME,

'CAUSE THEY KNOW THEY BULLSHIT GONNA BE FRONT AND CENTER.

LOOK AT THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH.

THAT'S THE FIRST CHURCH THAT EVER WAS.

BEAUTIFUL SHIT.

THEY GOT SOME OF THE BEST CHURCH YOU EVER FUCKING SAW.

EVEN NIGGAS STOP AND WATCH IT WHEN IT COME ON TV.

JUST, WHEN YOU SEE--JUST--

[imitates religious chanting]

[laughter]

NIGGAS BE AT THEIR HOUSE LIKE,

"THAT'S SOME FLY-ASS SHIT ON THE LOW, NIGGA."

'CAUSE WE BE THINKING, IF THE CHOIR CAME IN

RIGHT AFTER THEM, NIGGA, JUST--

[rhythmically] "JESUS IS COMING BACK."

[chanting]

THEN WE FIND OUT THE PRIEST

IS FUCKING LITTLE BOYS IN THE CONFESSIONAL.

WHOO! JESUS IS NOT GONNA BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

YOU BETTER TELL SOME OF THEM NUNS

TO START GIVING OUT SOME PUSSY OR SOMETHING,

'CAUSE YOU GONNA HAVE TO EVEN THAT UP

BEFORE JESUS GET BACK. HE IS NOT--

LET ME SAY, IF YOU'VE TRIED TO LOOK FOR A GOD,

AND YOU AIN'T GOT ONE,

YOU COULD DO A LOT WORSE THAN CHRISTIANITY.

LET ME TELL YOU, IF YOU AIN'T GOT NOBODY TO WORSHIP,

YOU COULD GO FOR JESUS.

JESUS HAS BEEN KICKING ASS FOR A LONG TIME.

JESUS--THAT IS-- HE IS SOMETHING ELSE.

FIRST OF ALL, UNDERSTAND,

YOU DON'T NEVER EVEN SEE A PICTURE OF JESUS OUT OF FOCUS.

EVERY TIME YOU SEE JESUS,

HE RIGHT LOOKING AT THE CAMERAMAN.

HIS ROBES IS CLEAN,

HIS PERM IS STRAIGHT, CUT IN A BOB,

GOT A NICE BEARD TO LET YOU KNOW HE AIN'T NO PUSSY--

AIN'T NOTHIN' TO BE FUCKED AROUND WITH.

[laughter]

- WE LOVE YOU, KATT!

- BETTER HAVE SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.

IT AIN'T A LOT OF JESUSES OUT THERE.

SOME OF THESE RELIGIONS GOT TERRIBLE GODS.

I LOVE THE BUDDHIST PEOPLE,

THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN NOTHIN' BUT PEACE AND LOVE.

BUT, UH, IT'S GONNA BE HARD FOR YOU TO GET, UH,

NIGGAS TO SERVE YOUR GOD IF HE...

AIN'T BEEN TENDING TO THE SELF CORRECTLY.

YOU--I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL HAVE SEEN BUDDHA BEFORE,

BUT NIGGAS IS NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO SERVE HIM.

HE HAS AN OBESITY PROBLEM. NIGGAS IS--

JESUS WOULD'VE HEALED THAT ALREADY.

HE WOULDN'T EVEN COME OUT HERE WITH NO DAMN SHIRT ON

AND SOME PAMPERS AND SHIT, TALKIN' 'BOUT--

JESUS PROBABLY SOMEWHERE WITH A SHAKE WEIGHT RIGHT NOW,

GETTING READY TO KICK SATAN'S ASS.

[laughter]

CAN'T BE SERVING NO BUDDHA,

THAT NIGGA LOOK LIKE RICK ROSS IN THE PERIPHERAL.

YOU GET TO HEAVEN, THAT NIGGA--

"OH...

I THINK I'M BIG. NEAT." JESUS?

[laughter]

CAN'T SERVE THE HINDU GOD.

HINDU GOD IS TOO CONFUSING FOR NIGGAS.

HINDU GOD IS A WOMAN,

AND SHE GREEN, AND SHE GOT EIGHT ARMS, AND STAND LIKE THIS.

NO, WE MIGHT WANT TO FUCK THAT BITCH ONCE,

BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA BE...

GOTTA HAVE SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.

GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING.

THE INDIANS, THEY TRIED TO MAKE EVERYTHING A GOD.

YOU CAN'T PLAY WITH GOD LIKE THAT.

NIGGAS DON'T WANT EVERYTHING TO BE A GOD.

YOU CAN'T HAVE NO CORN GOD, NIGGA.

"THERE'S THE GOD OF THE WIND, AND--"

NO, HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

"NO, IT'S THE CORN GOD."

AIN'T NOT GODDAMN CORN GOD, MR. INDIAN.

"IT'S THE GOD OF THE CORN."

NO, IT'S NOT, BECAUSE WHAT IS THAT IN MY FECES?

IS THAT...

[laughter]

Y'ALL BE CAREFUL.

I HEARD MITT ROMNEY WAS A MORMON,

AND I DIDN'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT THE MORMONS.

AND I LOOKED UP THE BOOK

AND FOUND OUT THEY HAVE MULTIPLE WIVES.

I HURRY UP, CLOSED THE BOOK. THAT'S SOME PIMP SHIT.

KEEP THAT. WE MIGHT NEED THAT.

THAT MIGHT WORK OUT RIGHT THERE. WE'LL KEEP THAT.

GIVE THAT SOME PRAYERFUL CONSIDERATION THERE, YOU KNOW.

FITTIN' TO BE 2012, IT'S ABOUT WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN.

GOTTA FIND YOU SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.

IT'S ABOUT THE THREE Rs.

IT'S ABOUT RELIGION, RELATIONSHIP, 'RITHMETIC.

[laughter]

LOOK AT WHITE PEOPLE,

"THAT IS NOT HOW IT'S SPELLED, I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW."

WORLD GETTING CRAZY.

IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE BIBLE, UNDERSTAND,

YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL.

I DID ALL THIS SHIT,

I WAS TRYING TO FIND WHATEVER RELIGION WAS GONNA HELP ME.

I EVEN TRIED RASTAFARIAN, AND LET ME TELL YOU...

THEY HAD MY ATTENTION, LET ME TELL YOU, THEY--

THESE MOTHERFUCKERS SAY,

"WE BELIEVE EVERYTHING CHRISTIANS BELIEVE.

WE JUST BELIEVE THE HIGHER YOU GET,

THE CLOSER YOU ARE TO GOD."

[cheers and applause]

"WELL, I THINK I'D LIKE TO TRY THAT."

NIGGA GETS SO HIGH, HE TRIED TO LOOK IN JESUS' WINDOW AND SHIT.

[laughter]

EVERYBODY WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE SOME SHIT.

FIND YOU SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN,

GET YOU SOME PEOPLE THAT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU,

GET YOUR TEAM TOGETHER.

THE SHIT GONNA HIT THE FAN.

THE BIBLE SAY, "FIRST SHALL BE LAST,"

AND I DON'T KNOW, BUT SPEAKING FOR NIGGAS,

WE HAVE BEEN THE FIRST AT LAST

FOR A LONG TIME.

I DON'T THINK YOU EVER GONNA BE ABLE TO BEAT US AT THAT.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO OUT-LAST NIGGAS.

WE'VE BEEN LAST--

[laughter]

GAY PEOPLE WANNA BE NIGGAS.

THEY WANNA SAY IT'S CIVIL RIGHTS. NO.

NO, 'CAUSE AS A GAY PERSON, YOU CAN BE GAY.

YOU JUST--IT'S ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE GAY.

AS A NIGGA, WE WAS TREATED LIKE ANIMALS FIRST,

THEN THEY LET US PUT ON CLOTHES, THEN THEY LET US GET IN THE NBA.

[laughter]

WE GOT TO PROVE SOMETHING FOR OURSELVES FOR GENERATIONS.

LIKE, WHEN I'M TALKING TO MEXICANS,

I'M TALKING TO MEXICANS LIKE THEY'RE REALLY NIGGAS,

'CAUSE AS FAR AS WE KNOW, THEY THE CLOSEST TO NIGGAS

WE EVER SAW IN THIS GODDAMN COUNTRY.

WE THOUGHT THEY WAS OUR NIGGAS,

WE WAS PROUD THAT THEY HAD A COUNTRY,

AND DECIDED TO COME OVER HERE ANY MOTHERFUCKING WAY.

WE THOUGHT THAT WAS SOME AMERICAN SHIT.

SEE, YOU GOT A LOT OF POLITICIANS THAT TELL YOU,

"WE NEED TO KEEP SOME PEOPLE OUT."

AIN'T NO MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE TO KEEP THE FUCK OUT.

WE NEED EVERYBODY THAT'S RIGHT THE FUCK HERE.

SEE, WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IS WHEN YOU WATCH THE NEWS,

YOU SEE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE TALKING SHIT ABOUT AMERICA.

UNDERSTAND, THEY TALKING SHIT ABOUT AMERICA

FROM THEY LITTLE DUSTY-ASS, PIECE OF SHIT-ASS COUNTRY

WITH NO GODDAMN AIR CONDITIONING

AND NO WAY TO GET A MOUNTAIN DEW AND A SNICKER BAR.

THAT AIN'T OUR GODDAMN FAULT.

MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA SAY, "WE SHOULD ALL BE EQUAL."

BULLSHIT. EQUAL TO WHAT?

WE ARE BETTER THAN YOU.

[laughter]

DON'T BE ASHAMED TO FUCKING SAY IT.

WE'RE BETTER THAN THEY ARE.

WE WORK HARDER, WE TRY HARDER. NOTHING BEATS US.

WE HAVE KICKED THIS RECESSION SO MOTHERFUCKING HARD.

FIRST OF ALL, NIGGAS, LET ME SAY WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

IT WAS A RECESSION UNTIL THEY GAVE IT A WORD.

THIS IS THE SHIT NIGGAS WAS DOING THE WHOLE TIME,

WHITE PEOPLE, WELCOME ABOARD.

WELCOME ABOARD,

GET YOURSELF SOME TOP RAMEN, MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

[cheers and applause]

AMERICA AIN'T ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS TO YOU.

AMERICA IS ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK YOU DO

WHEN THE SHIT HAPPENS TO YOU.

SO, NOW...

- PREACH ON, KATT!

- I HAVE TO COME BACK AND TELL MY PEOPLE

THEY FITTIN' TO FUCK US.

WHEN YOU GO HOME INTO YOUR 2012,

UNDERSTAND THEY ALREADY HAVE CONCENTRATION CAMPS

IN THE UNITED STATES OF MOTHERFUCKING AMERICA

THAT THEY'VE BEEN BUILDING FOR FOUR YEARS NOW.

AND THE QUESTION IS,

WHO IN THE FUCK IS YOU FITTIN' TO PUT IN THERE?

WE ALREADY GOT A PRISON,

AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS SO PACKED.

'CAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, IT'S ALL BULLSHIT.

IT'S ALL BULLSHIT, WHITE PEOPLE.

CONRAD MURRAY GOT FOUR YEARS,

AND AIN'T GONNA DO BUT TWO OF THEM,

AND MOTHERFUCKERS LOOKING AT HIM LIKE HE GOT WHAT HE DESERVED.

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FIGURE HE GOT WHAT THE FUCK HE DESERVED?

YOU CAN MURDER A BILLIONAIRE,

AND GET 2 1/2 YEARS AND PROBATION?

THESE NIGGAS HAD ME ON SIX YEARS OF PROBATION

FOR A BLUNT I HADN'T LIT YET.

[cheers and applause]

UNDERSTAND THE BULLSHIT IS HITTING THE FAN, GOD DAMN IT.

THEY GAVE CONRAD MURRAY'S MOTHERFUCKING ASS

LESS THAN FOUR GODDAMN YEARS.

UNDERSTAND, WHITE PEOPLE,

THAT ONCE WAS A MAN NAMED PLAXICO BURRESS.

NOW, THIS NIGGA SHOT HIS SELF IN THE GODDAMN LEG.

UNDERSTAND THAT.

THIS NIGGA ASSAULTED HIMSELF.

[laughter]

HE DIDN'T SNITCH ON HIS SELF,

DIDN'T TURN HIS SELF IN, FILE CHARGES AGAINST HIMSELF.

THREE WHOLE YEARS PENITENTIARY

SHOOTING YOURSELF.

[laughter]

AND I KNOW SOME OF Y'ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"YOU NOT FITTIN' TO TALK ABOUT MICHAEL, ARE YOU?"

YES, I AM.

FIRST OF ALL, LET ME START OFF BY SAYING,

WOULD ALL THE MICHAEL JACKSON FANS PLEASE MAKE SOME NOISE

IN THE BUILDING THIS EVENING?

[cheers and applause]

I DON'T APOLOGIZE OFTEN.

THIS IS NOT A TIME FOR ME TO START.

[laughter]

BUT WHEN I WAS TALKING, I WAS TALKING ABOUT SOMEBODY LIVE.

- GO AHEAD, KATT!

- AND THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS

WE WATCHED THIS NIGGA GET MURDERED,

RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR OWN MOTHERFUCKING FACE,

AND THE NIGGA KNEW IT WAS FITTIN' TO HAPPEN.

HE TOLD US, AND WE DIDN'T KNOW.

NIGGA NAMED HIS LAST TOUR, "THIS IS IT."

[laughter]

WHITE PEOPLE, LET ME JUST TELL YOU

A LITTLE NIGGA SECRET, IF I COULD.

NIGGAS HAVE NEVER SAID, "THIS IS IT,"

IN A CELEBRATORY FASHION.

LET ME JUST SAY...

WHITE PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME.

"THIS IS IT!"

NOT NIGGAS.

EVERY TIME WE SAYIN' IT, WE SAY IT LIKE THIS,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, NIGGA? THIS IS IT."

[mic thuds]

[laughter]

AND THEY STRAIGHT UP KILLED THAT NIGGA.

KILLED HIM AND GAVE US THE MOST BULLSHIT STORY

WE EVER HEARD OUR ENTIRE LIFE.

FIRST, THEY TOLD US THIS NIGGA WAS A DRUG ADDICT.

THEN WE FIND OUT THIS NIGGA'S DRUG WAS SLEEP.

[laughter]

ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS NIGGA GOT HIGH AND WENT TO SLEEP?

YEAH, THAT'S NO DRUG ADDICT.

SOMETHING'S AFOUL HERE. THIS STORY DON'T GO TOGETHER.

UNDERSTAND, WHITE PEOPLE, NO STORY ENDS WITH COMA.

BUT CERTAINLY, NO STORY STARTS WITH COMA.

THEY STARTED THIS NIGGA'S STORY OFF WITH COMA.

SAID, "NIGGA..."

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE WOULD SLEEP.

I'M SURE HE DON'T SLEEP REGULAR, BUT I'M SURE HE WAS--

[laughter and applause]

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE WOULD SLEEP, BUT I KNOW HE SLEPT FANCY.

[laughter]

THE NEXT STORY IS THIS NIGGA WAS ASLEEP, IN A COMA.

THEN THEY SAY HE WAKES UP OUT OF HIS COMA.

NOW, UNDERSTAND, NIGGAS, THE WHOLE THING ABOUT A COMA

IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOU CAN'T GET THE FUCK UP FROM ONE.

I'LL COME BACK TO THAT PART LATER.

SO, THE NIGGA WAKES UP OUT OF THE COMA.

[laughter]

"CONRAD?

"CONRAD, WHERE ARE YOU?

CONRAD, TITO, SOMEONE, COME HERE."

THIS IS WHERE THE STORY GETS FUCKED UP.

THEN THEY SAY AIN'T NOBODY THERE.

SO THEY SAY HE GRABS THE PROPOFOL...

AND INJECTS HIS MOTHERFUCKING SELF,

AND GOES BACK INTO A COMA.

♪ GIRL, CLOSE YOUR EYES ♪

♪ LET THE PROPOFOL INTO YOU ♪

[laughter]

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT A NIGGA

WOULD PAY SOMEBODY $150,000 A MONTH

TO DO SOME SHIT

HE COULD WAKE UP OUT OF A COMA AND DO FOR HIMSELF?

YOU CAN KISS MY MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

THAT'S LIKE ME PAYING A BITCH TO SUCK MY DICK AFTER THE SHOW,

AND PAYING HER GIRLFRIEND TO SWALLOW.

[laughter]

WHITE PEOPLE, IT WAS A SET-UP.

WE KNEW IT AS SOON AS WE SAW CONRAD MURRAY,

'CAUSE IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN NO NIGGA TO KILL MICHAEL JACKSON,

BUT IT CERTAINLY COULDN'T HAVE BEEN NO WHITE DOCTOR.

OH...

[laughter]

IF A WHITE DOCTOR HAD KILLED MICHAEL JACKSON,

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN 600,000 NIGGAS IN MOON WALKING SOCKS

THE NEXT DAY JUST RIOTING AND DANCING AT THE SAME TIME.

THEY GOT THAT PIECE OF SHIT-ASS CONRAD MURRAY.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER--

THAT'S WHAT A SNAKE LOOK LIKE, IN CASE YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING DEMON LOOK LIKE IN PERSON,

LOOK AT CONRAD MURRAY'S MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

THAT NIGGA WAS ON TRIAL--

ANY TIME A NIGGA CAN'T CRY.

WHITE PEOPLE, UNDERSTAND,

NIGGAS EITHER CRY ONE OF TWO WAYS--

NOT AT ALL... OR ALL THE WAY.

[laughter]

CONRAD MURRAY WAS ON TRIAL FOR 14 WEEKS

TRYING TO GET ONE TEAR OUT HIS LYIN'-ASS EYES, JUST--

[laughter]

FUCK-ASS NIGGA.

YOU LET--THE BIBLE SAY,

DON'T BELIEVE NO NIGGA THAT CAN'T SAY TRUTH.

THIS NIGGA ALL ON TV,

"I AM GOING TO TELL THE TROOT."

WHAT DID THAT NIGGA SAY HE WAS GONNA TELL?

"I AM GOING TO TELL THE TROOT.

I HAVE FAIT."

THEN THAT NIGGA HAD THIS TRIAL,

AND HE EMBARRASSED EVERY NIGGA IN THE WORLD.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CONRAD MURRAY TRIAL,

WHEN WE THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET NO FUCKING WORSE,

THIS NIGGA BRING OUT AS A WITNESS,

THE OLDEST LIVING SLAVE WE HAVE EVER SEEN.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU SAW THAT OLD BITCH.

[laughter]

THAT BITCH WAS 136 GODDAMN YEARS OLD.

THAT BITCH...

IT TOOK HER SO LONG TO GET TO THE STAND

THAT YOU KNEW THIS BITCH WAS GONNA TELL THE TRUTH, SHE--

[laughter]

THIS BITCH WAS 136, AND HER WIG WAS BRAND-NEW!

HAD THE TAG STILL IN THAT BITCH.

HER SLAVE MOTHERFUCKING ASS--

THIS BITCH SNUCK ON THE STAND.

HOW DO YOU SIT LIKE A SLAVE? SHE JUST...

[laughter]

EVERY TIME THE JUDGE ASK HER SOMETHING,

"EXCUSE ME, JUDGE."

FUCKING JUDGE ASKED HER, "IS CONRAD MURRAY GREEDY?"

AND THIS OLD, DECREPIT BITCH ACTED LIKE "GREEDY"

WAS THE WORST INSULT SHE HAD EVER HEARD

IN HER GODDAMN-- "GREEDY? NO, CONRAD, AIN'T--"

SHUT YOUR UGLY ASS UP, BITCH.

THAT WAS THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH MICHAEL JACKSON.

HIS FANS WAS TOO GODDAMN NICE.

NICE-ASS MICHAEL JACKSON FANS LETTING CONRAD MURRAY'S PUNK ASS

GO TO COURT EVERY GODDAMN DAY

WITH NO SECURITY.

THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO HAVE SOME GHETTO FANS.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO JUST KILL ME, NIGGA,

AND GO TO COURT LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

IT'S GONNA BE A BITCH TO HIT YOU WITH A BRICK

EVERY TIME YOU SHOW UP TO COURT.

JUST, "I'M HERE--"

[laughter, cheers and applause]

- WE LOVE YOU, KATT! - FIVE MINUTES?

[crowd cheering]

- WE LOVE YOU!

- ALL RIGHT, LET ME, UM...

LET ME--LET ME JUST--

LET ME JUST TAKE THIS TIME TO SAY THAT, UM...

FUCK. OKAY, LOOK.

JUST CUT THIS REAL QUICK SO I CAN TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING.

[laughter]

CUT.

OKAY.

NO--NO BULLSHIT.

I DON'T KNOW EACH OF Y'ALL PERSONALLY,

BUT I ALWAYS FEEL A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE

WHEN I'M UP HERE, AND THE PEOPLE IS OUT HERE,

BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY,

I REALLY WAS NEVER TALL, EVEN WHEN I STARTED.

[laughter]

I NEVER WAS REALLY SPECIAL TO FUCKING LOOK AT,

BUT WHEN I CAME TO L.A., NIGGAS ACTED LIKE THEY UNDERSTOOD

WHERE THE FUCK I WAS COMING FROM,

AND ALLOWED A NIGGA TO BE THAT.

- WE LOVE YOU!

- SO WHEN I RETIRED,

THERE WAS A LOT OF THINGS GOING ON,

AND I DIDN'T WANNA COME BACK AND TELL Y'ALL

WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS, BECAUSE I WANTED Y'ALL TO BE PROUD OF ME

FOR SOME SHIT, EVEN IF I WAS FUCKING IT UP.

BUT THEN THEY STARTED ARRESTING A NIGGA SO MUCH.

[laughter]

UNDERSTAND, YOU CAN ONLY GET ARRESTED

MAYBE SIX TIMES BEFORE IT AIN'T FUN NO MORE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT IF YOU GO TO TMZ,

YOU WILL SEE THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN

ARRESTED 14 TIMES IN 46 MONTHS.

WHAT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IS

YOU HAVE NEVER, EVER IN YOUR LIFE SEEN ME

STANDING IN A COURTHOUSE.

NOW, PUT THEM TWO THINGS TOGETHER.

SATAN AIN'T SHIT.

EVERYTHING HE TRY TO DO HE LOSES AT,

'CAUSE HE AIN'T SHIT.

HIS PEOPLE AIN'T SHIT, NOTHING HE LIKES IS SHIT.

ALL HIS PEOPLE IS UGLY.

THEY ALL STINK.

THEY WAS WORSE OFF BEFORE THE RECESSION,

DURING THE RECESSION, AFTER THE RECESSION.

HE AIN'T SHIT. AND SO UNDERSTAND...

THAT EVEN IF THEY WAS GONNA KILL ME

FOR THE SHIT I GOT TO SAY,

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M STILL HERE

IN THE FIRST MOTHERFUCKING PLACE.

WHAT I DO KNOW IS I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR 2012.

I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE TO THINK

THAT THE END OF THE GODDAMN WORLD WAS FITTIN' TO COME.

SO NOW, NIGGAS, LET'S SAY IT DON'T COME.

CAN WE AGREE TO AT LEAST ACT LIKE THIS GONNA BE OUR LAST TIME

ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER SO WE CAN DO IT RIGHT ONE GODDAMN TIME?

WHAT I'M TELLING YOU IS,

BITCH NIGGAS IS DONE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN SEEING,

I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING AT.

I KNOW YOU THINK TYLER PERRY MUST HAVE

46 MORE CROSS-DRESSING DRAG QUEEN MOVIES LEFT IN HIM.

[laughter]

I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC.

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST GAY WOMEN AT ALL.

POWER TO THE LESBIAN NATION.

MAY WE ALL EAT PUSSY THIS EVENING, IF IT'S FEASIBLE.

[laughter]

BUT IT'S TIME FOR PEOPLE

TO STAND UP FOR WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE.

EVERYBODY CAN'T BE ASHAMED TO TELL THE GODDAMN TRUTH.

IT CAN'T BE EVERYBODY THAT WON'T SAY

WHAT THEY FUCK THEY MEANT TO SAY

AS SOON THEY GET THE OPPORTUNITY.

CHRISTIAN PEOPLE, IT'S THE SAME FOR Y'ALL.

IF Y'ALL SO HOLY, IT'S TIME TO GET MOTHERFUCKING HOLY.

IF YOU BELIEVE IN SOME SHIT,

MAKE SURE YOU GOT SOME RIGHT SHIT,

BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU,

EVERYBODY CAN'T BE RIGHT.

I SAY FUCK BISHOP EDDIE LONG,

AND EVERYBODY WHOEVER WENT TO HIS GODDAMN CHURCH,

IS WHAT I SAY.

FUCK THE CHOIR, THE CHOIR DIRECTOR,

THE PEOPLE IN THE CHOIR, THE NIGGA ON DRUMS,

FUCK THEM IN THE PARKING LOT.

[laughter]

NOT BECAUSE I'M HOMOPHOBIC, BECAUSE I DON'T THINK

YOU CAN PREACH THE GOSPEL WITH BOOTY ON YOUR BREATH.

I JUST DON'T THINK YOU CAN.

I'M NOT SAYING YOU CAN'T. I DON'T THINK YOU CAN.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD,

THEY TOLD ME A BUNCH OF STORIES THAT DIDN'T MAKE NO SENSE.

THEY PUT ME DOWN AND SAT ME RIGHT ME IN FRONT OF THE BIBLE

AND TOLD ME A STORY ABOUT SODOM AND GOMORRAH.

THEY TOLD ME IT WAS TWO CITIES IN THE BIBLE

WHERE MEN LAY WITH MEN.

THEN THEY SAID THE NEXT DAY,

GOD BURNT THE WHOLE GODDAMN TWO CITIES TO THE GROUND.

END OF THE GODDAMN STORY.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GET OUT OF THAT STORY.

I TOLD MY BROTHER,

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU ARE THREE, NIGGA.

"THEY JUST SAID THEY WAS GONNA BURN DOWN OUR BUNK BEDS

IF YOU GET IN THIS GODDAMN BED."

[laughter]

IT'S JUST WHAT THE FUCK THEY TOLD ME.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW.

- ONE MINUTE!

- HEY, SOME OF YOU NIGGAS' WATCH AIN'T RIGHT.

IS IT TWO, OR IS IT ONE? LET ME KNOW.

IT'S TWO? [overlapping shouts]

LET ME ASK THE WHITE PEOPLE.

WHAT--WHITE PEOPLE, WHAT TIME IS IT, PLEASE?

[laughter] [overlapping shouts]

IT'S TIME.

ALL RIGHT, PUT IT ON, GODDAMN IT.

LET'S SEE IT. HEY, WHERE MY PEOPLE AT?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NO MATTER WHAT,

WE ARE HERE AT THE CUSP OF 2012, GODDAMN IT!

WHOO! IT'S FITTIN' TO COME!

HEY! WHERE MY PEOPLE AT?

OKAY, HOLD ON.

[cheers and applause]

audience: EIGHT... SEVEN...SIX...

FIVE...FOUR... THREE...TWO...ONE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

- HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[cheers and applause]

- IT'S REALLY GOOD TO SEE THE PEOPLE

WHO, UM...

A SHOT WAS NOT GIVEN TO.

TO BE ABLE TO STAND ON A GRAND STAGE

AND SHOW HOW THEY DO THEIR CRAFT.

- ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL,

MAKE SOME NOISE FOR YOUR HOST FOR THE SHOW, RED GRANT.

LET'S GO, Y'ALL!

- SEE, SOME OF Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA LAUGH TONIGHT

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT YOUR SPIRIT RIGHT.

SO, HAVE FUN TONIGHT, BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW

IF YOU GONNA BE HERE TOMORROW, NIGGA.

ALL RIGHT? THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.

[cheers and applause]

THIS BROTHER RIGHT HERE IS FROM DAYTON, OHIO,

WHERE KATT WILLIAMS IS FROM.

HE'S FUNNY AS HELL.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN MR. CLAYTON PERKINS, Y'ALL.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

- Y'ALL READY TO SEE KATT?

[crowd cheers]

WELL, YOU GOT ME NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS.

YEAH, I WAS GEEKED TO GET THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

I CALLED EVERYBODY I KNOW. I EVEN CALLED MY GIRL.

I GOT TO BEAT BOXIN' THAT SHIT.

"BABY, YOU AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SHIT.

I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING JOB." [beat boxing]

"A, A--A JOB." [beat boxing]

THAT BITCH IS LIKE,

"GOOD, NIGGA, NOW YOU CAN HELP ME WITH THAT RENT."

[beat boxing] "RENT, RENT, RENT, RENT."

[cheers and applauses]

- [laughs] KEEP THAT ENERGY-- THAT SAME ENERGY GOING.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR MY GIRL, CHAUNTE WAYANS.

- THAT'S RIGHT. Y'ALL LOOKING REAL CONFUSED RIGHT NOW.

LIKE, "WHO IS THIS DUDE WITH TITTIES?"

THIS IS A REAL QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT

TO UNATTRACTIVE GIRLS--

IF YOU ARE UGLY IN THE STRAIGHT WORLD,

TEN TIMES OUT OF TEN,

YOU'RE GONNA BE UGLY IN THE GAY WORLD.

ALL RIGHT? SO... [chuckles]

DON'T TRY TO COME TO THE GAY LIFE

LIKE NIGGAS AIN'T TREATING YOU SHIT

'CAUSE WE WON'T EITHER, OKAY?

- IF YOU AIN'T LAUGHING YET, YOU JUST STUPID.

THIS FEMALE RIGHT HERE IS FROM ALABAMA--

MOBILE, ALABAMA.

BY WAY OF MOBILE, ALABAMA.

I LOVE HER TO DEATH, MAN, KATT LOVE HER TO DEATH.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR MY GIRL ASHIMA FRANKLIN, Y'ALL.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR ASHIMA FRANKLIN, Y'ALL.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO!

- SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE LADIES IN HERE

WHO SUCKING DICK RIGHT HERE, ANY LADIES SUCKING DICK?

[cheers]

OH, SHIT.

AIN'T NOBODY ON THE FRONT ROW, PLAYER.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

HEY, YOU GOT A WHITE GIRL,

AND SHE AIN'T SUCKING YOUR DICK, NIGGA?

WHAT THE FUCK?

NIGGA, KILL YOURSELF.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKER?

YOU GOT A WHITE GIRL ON THE FRONT ROW AT KATT WILLIAMS?

MAN, MARTIN LUTHER KING DIED FOR NOTHING, NIGGA.

YOU GET YOUR GODDAMN ASS ON UP OUT OF HERE.

- THIS MY MAN RIGHT HERE, MAN. HE'S SIGNATURE, DOG.

HE A TWO-TIME DEF COMEDY JAM ALL STAR,

AND HE IS HILARIOUS, RIPPING THIS BITCH UP.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN, MR. WIL SYLVINCE, Y'ALL.

Y'ALL GIVE IT UP FOR WIL SYLVINCE.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

- THE WORST SEAT IN COACH IS THAT MIDDLE SEAT, ISN'T IT?

[laughter]

LOOK AT THIS, YOU GOTTA SIT LIKE A GAY PERSON IN COACH.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

I'M A THUG. I DONE SHOT SIX MOTHERFUCKERS.

LOOK AT...

[laughter]

- THIS IS MY HOMEGIRL. SHE'S FUNNY AS SHIT.

SHE'S LIKE THE MOTHER OF THE TOUR.

WANT YOU ALL TO KEEP THE ENERGY GOING.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY HOMEGIRL MS. PAT, Y'ALL.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

- ANYBODY MARRIED? [cheers and applause]

I'M FOR REAL ABOUT MY MARRIAGE.

I JUST GET IN THE BED, AND I BE LIKE,

"BABY, YOU WANT SOME PUSSY?"

[laughter]

'CAUSE IF YOU WANT IT, I'LL WASH IT.

[laughter]

- MY HAIR WAS PROBABLY THE MOST MAGNIFICENT IT'S EVER BEEN,

AND I REALLY LOOKED LIKE THE MAYOR OF WHOVILLE.

MY WHITE FRIENDS WILL APPRECIATE IT.

LONG LIVE THE GRINCH. [laughter]