Original subtitles

(tense ethereal music)

(liquid squelching)

(spirited upbeat music)

- [Narrator] "Improbably Poppy."

(Hosts laughing)

(Jubilee sighs)

- Hi, everyone, welcome to "Improbably Poppy,"

a show where we'll learn, listen, live, laugh, love,

and probably a few of us will die.

(tense music) Today's episode

is all about growing up. (bright playful music)

We have a birthday today. Isn't that right, Jubilee?

(children cheering) - Yay, happy birthday!

- Thanks, everyone.

- Today, Jubilee turns five.

Can we all count to five?

- [Both] One, two, three,

four- (Mr. Skip whimpering)

- What's the matter, Mr. Skip?

- Looks like Jubilee isn't the only one getting older.

This morning I took a look in the mirror

and I noticed my hairline was receding.

(Poppy gasps)

- Oh, no. - Oh, man, that (beep) sucks.

- Shut the (beep) up, Zwink. Your hairline is perfect.

- Zwink's right.

And we all love you no matter how old and decrepit you look.

(bell dinging) - [Narrator] Decrepit.

Worn out or ruined because of age or neglect.

- Now I'm basically worthless.

Do me a favor and just kill me.

- Okay. I'll try anything once.

(pistol cocking) - Wait a minute, Jubilee! No!

Mr. Skip, I have an idea.

Why don't you try my new hair loss prevention product?

Poppecia. (gentle upbeat music)

- Really? Thank you, Poppy.

Are there any side effects?

- Death. (air whooshing)

- [Mr. Skip] I'll take it.

(Mr. Skip murmurs)

- This is the best birthday ever.

- [All] Yay!

(bright upbeat music)

- Welcome to my salon.

I've got some awesome tips and tricks

to help you look and feel 10 years younger.

I like to call it the secret facelift.

Now, I had a client who was an absolute dire case.

(gentle music)

She came to me looking every year of her age.

(client coos)

She had some volume loss in the midface over here,

a little bit of jowling.

But she came to me at the right time

and I fixed her up with my secret facelift.

Now she looks incredible for her age.

(client giggling)

(marker squeaking)

(client laughs)

- Who's ready for a delicious moment?

(gentle upbeat music)

- Hello? - These are for you.

- Oh! (chuckles) I didn't order any pizza.

Sorry, I think you got the wrong address.

- No, this is the right address.

- I just don't eat pizza. - Oh, we can't take it back.

- Mm, oh, okay. Yeah, I, I had a feeling this was a prank.

Get this on camera.

You don't have my consent to film me and prank me.

Sorry, I'm not your little content pig.

I need these pizzas off my porch.

- We can't take them back.

- I'm gonna smash these pizzas if you don't take 'em back.

- Is that how you want to enjoy your delicious meal?

- Do you guys speak English? You might understand this.

- Ooh. We can't take them back.

- You guys are wasting food.

People in Africa

and other parts of the world don't have food.

(gentle upbeat music continues)

(birds chirping) Mm.

Holy crap! I just got pranked.

I wonder if it's gonna go viral on TikTok.

(scoffs) This is so funny. (chuckles)

You did this.

- We can't take them back.

(homeowner grunting)

- You're doing this!

You guys are violent people.

You should work on yourselves, go to therapy.

'Cause you did that. You did that, not me.

- And that was a delicious moment.

Thank you, Pizza Boy.

(bright upbeat music)

- Good afternoon. My name is Miss Bips.

Now, today we embark on a magical journey

discussing a very important physical change

that occurs in the human body.

Now I know what you all must be thinking.

"Puberty!" (jaunty music)

But, no. Puberty is for babies.

Today we talk about

an awful less spoken transformation that occurs.

Second puberty. During puberty, your balls drop.

Now during second puberty,

they practically sweep the floor.

Capisce? (pointer tapping)

Now you also might experience a phenomenon

where your dick just doesn't work like it used to no more.

Do you see what I'm pointing at?

Have a backbone, Gary. Disagree with me, do something else.

Why can't we switch it up?

Why do you have to be the sub and I be the dom every time?

I need a man to just ravage me and tear me to shreds.

Am I making any (beep) sense,

Rick, Melissa, Tony, or Garrett?

Well?

Gary, one more outburst from you

and you'll be staying after class.

Now, unfortunately,

because of my medication, I cannot drive home.

So who's it going to be?

I'll wait. I'll wait. (clock ticking)

I'm waiting.

Does anybody recognize this person from the class?

(tense suspenseful music) I'll give you a hint.

He's in the front row. (jaunty music)

(bright upbeat music)

(bright upbeat music swells)

- Someone sent me this.

(drumroll thrumming)

(spirited upbeat music)

(camera shutter clicking)

(spirited upbeat music swells)

All right. Which one is it?

- Number four.

(gunfire cracks)

(blood squelching) (Number 4 groaning)

- What'd he do?

- (inhales deeply) I don't remember.

(Number 4 moaning)

Is that bad?

Oops. (blood squelching)

Uh, (sleigh bells jingling)

I meant number five. (camera shutter clicking)

- I know what you meant.

(bright upbeat music)

Please welcome our next interview guest.

A regular guy.

Well.

Do something.

- I was told- - Aren't you gonna prove

that normal people are people too?

Education is the acquisition of new ideas

and systems of thinking.

This has taught me a lot.

(static hisses)

(both laughing)

Charmed, I'm sure.

Oh, hi, everyone.

Welcome back to another episode

of "Fucking With Fractions (beep) with Poppy and Joel."

I'm Poppy, and today,

we will be picking up where we left off last time,

trying to figure out how many beans are needed

to fill our bowl full of black beans

into a whole bowl full of the very same black beans.

- I'm Joel. - Right, thank you.

How were the holidays, Joel?

- Oh, you know, about the same as last year.

- Oh, wow. You just did the same thing two years in a row?

- Mm, well, pretty much.

Except I was the one doing the tickling this year.

- Huh.

- Excuse me. - [Poppy] Yes?

- Are you Poppy and her friend?

- Yes. - You guys

need to go to the hospital right away, yeah.

- Oh, my God, that sounds really bad.

I'm sorry, everyone,

we're gonna have to pause this for a second.

We were just given some really distressing news.

We have to go to the hospital right away.

- I wonder what it's about.

- Yeah, I have no idea. It's troubling.

(siren wailing)

- Well, we're here.

- Is this a hospital? - Yeah, I think so.

- Oh, no. It's closed.

- We got here too late.

- I told you we shouldn't have made all those stops first.

- Well, maybe this guy could tell us what's going on.

Excuse me, sir! Are you a doctor?

- Yes, that's right, I am a doctor.

- Doctor, can you help us?

We were told we need to come to the hospital right away.

It's an emergency.

- Unfortunately, the hospital is closed right now

due to a strike that started about 15 minutes ago.

Unfortunately, your friend is very, very sick.

- Oh, no. What's wrong with them?

- They've contracted a crippling disease

and they may not have long.

- A disease? (stammers) What, why?

How could this happen? - How?

- I don't have enough information right now

due to the light out in the abortion waiting room clinic.

My hands are tied and my day is ruined.

- Are they gonna live?

- I'd say they have about a 35% chance.

- Is that good? - It's not bad.

It basically means that 65% of the people who have it die.

- Well, what's that in fractions?

- Well, about three and a half

out of every 10 people survive.

- What?

How can half a person die from this gruesome illness?

- Good ear. They can't.

Unfortunately, what that means

is that 13 out of every 20 people who contract it

drop dead in my arms. - Huh.

- Now you're speaking my language.

- Yeah. So we got nothing to worry about then.

- Yeah, he's probably fine.

- Fractions helped us.

- (chuckles) Yeah, they did.

- Come here, you two.

- That was so fun.

Thanks again for tuning in

to "Fucking With (beep)"

- Goodbye. And thank you.

(bright upbeat music)

- So what did we learn today?

- That growing up is hard.

- That aging is a curse.

- That the human body is a flesh prison

and the only escape is death.

- Close enough. Thanks, everyone.

This episode was brought to you by the number three,

which is the number of bullets I have left in this gun

that I'm gonna fire off at random because I feel like it.

(gunfire cracking)

Until next time, stop exploring, stop being curious,

and for the love of God, please lose that sense of wonder.

(spirited upbeat music)

♪ If you survive 25 ♪

♪ It's all downhill from there ♪

♪ A slow dive till you die ♪

♪ In depression and despair ♪

♪ And no one is stroking your hair ♪

♪ And for the wrong reasons they stare ♪

♪ And it's not really clear ♪

♪ How you got down there ♪

♪ Growing up sucks, don't do it ♪

♪ I know it's tough, but don't do it ♪

♪ You never get used to it ♪

♪ It's not worth it, just don't do it ♪

(bright upbeat music continues)

♪ Pressures of life, they won't stop ♪

♪ Won't stop until you die ♪

♪ I don't mind, I still try ♪

♪ Even when I don't know why ♪

♪ They tell you life isn't fair ♪

♪ That you're on your own out there ♪

♪ But it's still not really clear ♪

♪ Why you're lost out there ♪

♪ Growing up sucks, don't do it ♪

♪ I know it's tough, but don't do it ♪

♪ You never get used to it ♪

♪ It's not worth it, just don't do it ♪

(spirited upbeat music swells)

(gentle upbeat music)

(gentle upbeat music continues)

(gentle upbeat music swells)

(knife pings)

(blood squelching)

- Uh, I meant number five.

- I know what you meant.