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(tense ethereal music)
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00:00:08,252 --> 00:00:11,252
(liquid squelching)
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(spirited upbeat music)
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- [Narrator] "Improbably Poppy."
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(Hosts laughing)
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(Jubilee sighs)
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- Hi, everyone, welcome
to "Improbably Poppy,"
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a show where we'll learn,
listen, live, laugh, love,
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and probably a few of us will die.
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(tense music)
Today's episode
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is all about growing up.
(bright playful music)
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00:00:40,050 --> 00:00:43,495
We have a birthday today.
Isn't that right, Jubilee?
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(children cheering)
- Yay, happy birthday!
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- Thanks, everyone.
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- Today, Jubilee turns five.
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Can we all count to five?
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- [Both] One, two, three,
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four-
(Mr. Skip whimpering)
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- What's the matter, Mr. Skip?
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- Looks like Jubilee isn't
the only one getting older.
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This morning I took a look in the mirror
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and I noticed my hairline was receding.
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(Poppy gasps)
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- Oh, no.
- Oh, man, that (beep) sucks.
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- Shut the (beep) up, Zwink.
Your hairline is perfect.
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- Zwink's right.
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And we all love you no matter
how old and decrepit you look.
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(bell dinging)
- [Narrator] Decrepit.
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Worn out or ruined
because of age or neglect.
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- Now I'm basically worthless.
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Do me a favor and just kill me.
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- Okay. I'll try anything once.
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(pistol cocking)
- Wait a minute, Jubilee! No!
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Mr. Skip, I have an idea.
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Why don't you try my new
hair loss prevention product?
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Poppecia.
(gentle upbeat music)
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- Really? Thank you, Poppy.
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Are there any side effects?
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- Death.
(air whooshing)
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- [Mr. Skip] I'll take it.
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(Mr. Skip murmurs)
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- This is the best birthday ever.
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- [All] Yay!
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(bright upbeat music)
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- Welcome to my salon.
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I've got some awesome tips and tricks
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to help you look and
feel 10 years younger.
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I like to call it the secret facelift.
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Now, I had a client who
was an absolute dire case.
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(gentle music)
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She came to me looking
every year of her age.
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(client coos)
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She had some volume loss
in the midface over here,
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a little bit of jowling.
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But she came to me at the right time
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and I fixed her up with
my secret facelift.
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Now she looks incredible for her age.
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(client giggling)
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(marker squeaking)
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(client laughs)
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- Who's ready for a delicious moment?
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(gentle upbeat music)
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- Hello?
- These are for you.
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- Oh! (chuckles) I didn't order any pizza.
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Sorry, I think you got the wrong address.
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- No, this is the right address.
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- I just don't eat pizza.
- Oh, we can't take it back.
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- Mm, oh, okay. Yeah, I, I had
a feeling this was a prank.
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Get this on camera.
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You don't have my consent
to film me and prank me.
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Sorry, I'm not your little content pig.
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I need these pizzas off my porch.
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- We can't take them back.
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- I'm gonna smash these pizzas
if you don't take 'em back.
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- Is that how you want to
enjoy your delicious meal?
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- Do you guys speak English?
You might understand this.
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- Ooh. We can't take them back.
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- You guys are wasting food.
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People in Africa
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and other parts of the
world don't have food.
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(gentle upbeat music continues)
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(birds chirping)
Mm.
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Holy crap! I just got pranked.
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I wonder if it's gonna go viral on TikTok.
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(scoffs) This is so funny. (chuckles)
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You did this.
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- We can't take them back.
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(homeowner grunting)
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- You're doing this!
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You guys are violent people.
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You should work on
yourselves, go to therapy.
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'Cause you did that. You did that, not me.
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- And that was a delicious moment.
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Thank you, Pizza Boy.
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(bright upbeat music)
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- Good afternoon. My name is Miss Bips.
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Now, today we embark on a magical journey
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discussing a very
important physical change
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that occurs in the human body.
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Now I know what you all must be thinking.
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"Puberty!"
(jaunty music)
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But, no. Puberty is for babies.
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Today we talk about
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an awful less spoken
transformation that occurs.
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Second puberty. During
puberty, your balls drop.
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Now during second puberty,
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they practically sweep the floor.
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Capisce?
(pointer tapping)
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Now you also might experience a phenomenon
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where your dick just doesn't
work like it used to no more.
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Do you see what I'm pointing at?
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Have a backbone, Gary. Disagree
with me, do something else.
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Why can't we switch it up?
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Why do you have to be the sub
and I be the dom every time?
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I need a man to just ravage
me and tear me to shreds.
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Am I making any (beep) sense,
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Rick, Melissa, Tony, or Garrett?
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Well?
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00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,440
Gary, one more outburst from you
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00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,140
and you'll be staying after class.
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Now, unfortunately,
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because of my medication,
I cannot drive home.
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So who's it going to be?
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I'll wait. I'll wait.
(clock ticking)
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I'm waiting.
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00:05:21,180 --> 00:05:24,021
Does anybody recognize
this person from the class?
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(tense suspenseful music)
I'll give you a hint.
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He's in the front row.
(jaunty music)
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(bright upbeat music)
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(bright upbeat music swells)
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- Someone sent me this.
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(drumroll thrumming)
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00:05:47,531 --> 00:05:50,864
(spirited upbeat music)
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00:05:54,945 --> 00:05:58,445
(camera shutter clicking)
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00:06:03,505 --> 00:06:05,760
(spirited upbeat music swells)
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00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,790
All right. Which one is it?
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00:06:08,790 --> 00:06:09,723
- Number four.
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00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:12,789
(gunfire cracks)
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00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:17,789
(blood squelching)
(Number 4 groaning)
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00:06:18,300 --> 00:06:19,548
- What'd he do?
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00:06:19,548 --> 00:06:22,127
- (inhales deeply) I don't remember.
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00:06:22,127 --> 00:06:24,210
(Number 4 moaning)
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Is that bad?
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00:06:26,430 --> 00:06:28,293
Oops.
(blood squelching)
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00:06:28,293 --> 00:06:29,520
Uh,
(sleigh bells jingling)
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I meant number five.
(camera shutter clicking)
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- I know what you meant.
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(bright upbeat music)
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Please welcome our next interview guest.
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00:06:40,770 --> 00:06:41,943
A regular guy.
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00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:54,833
Well.
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00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:02,223
Do something.
153
00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:06,990
- I was told-
- Aren't you gonna prove
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00:07:06,990 --> 00:07:08,913
that normal people are people too?
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00:07:13,890 --> 00:07:16,680
Education is the acquisition of new ideas
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00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,000
and systems of thinking.
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This has taught me a lot.
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00:07:20,159 --> 00:07:20,992
(static hisses)
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00:07:20,992 --> 00:07:23,659
(both laughing)
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Charmed, I'm sure.
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00:07:27,450 --> 00:07:28,650
Oh, hi, everyone.
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00:07:28,650 --> 00:07:30,300
Welcome back to another episode
163
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:33,540
of "Fucking With Fractions
(beep) with Poppy and Joel."
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I'm Poppy, and today,
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00:07:35,670 --> 00:07:38,100
we will be picking up where
we left off last time,
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trying to figure out how
many beans are needed
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00:07:40,620 --> 00:07:43,740
to fill our bowl full of black beans
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into a whole bowl full of
the very same black beans.
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00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,340
- I'm Joel.
- Right, thank you.
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00:07:50,340 --> 00:07:52,050
How were the holidays, Joel?
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00:07:52,050 --> 00:07:55,110
- Oh, you know, about
the same as last year.
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00:07:55,110 --> 00:07:59,242
- Oh, wow. You just did the
same thing two years in a row?
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00:07:59,242 --> 00:08:01,080
- Mm, well, pretty much.
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00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,960
Except I was the one doing
the tickling this year.
175
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:04,793
- Huh.
176
00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,803
- Excuse me.
- [Poppy] Yes?
177
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:10,920
- Are you Poppy and her friend?
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00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,210
- Yes.
- You guys
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00:08:12,210 --> 00:08:15,813
need to go to the
hospital right away, yeah.
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00:08:17,940 --> 00:08:20,103
- Oh, my God, that sounds really bad.
181
00:08:21,090 --> 00:08:22,710
I'm sorry, everyone,
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we're gonna have to
pause this for a second.
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00:08:25,290 --> 00:08:27,870
We were just given some
really distressing news.
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00:08:27,870 --> 00:08:29,920
We have to go to the hospital right away.
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00:08:38,190 --> 00:08:39,540
- I wonder what it's about.
186
00:08:42,060 --> 00:08:44,703
- Yeah, I have no idea. It's troubling.
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(siren wailing)
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00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,333
- Well, we're here.
189
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:58,800
- Is this a hospital?
- Yeah, I think so.
190
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,510
- Oh, no. It's closed.
191
00:09:00,510 --> 00:09:01,803
- We got here too late.
192
00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:05,640
- I told you we shouldn't have
made all those stops first.
193
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,730
- Well, maybe this guy could
tell us what's going on.
194
00:09:08,730 --> 00:09:11,520
Excuse me, sir! Are you a doctor?
195
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,440
- Yes, that's right, I am a doctor.
196
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:14,730
- Doctor, can you help us?
197
00:09:14,730 --> 00:09:17,490
We were told we need to come
to the hospital right away.
198
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:18,750
It's an emergency.
199
00:09:18,750 --> 00:09:20,370
- Unfortunately, the
hospital is closed right now
200
00:09:20,370 --> 00:09:23,010
due to a strike that started
about 15 minutes ago.
201
00:09:23,010 --> 00:09:25,380
Unfortunately, your
friend is very, very sick.
202
00:09:25,380 --> 00:09:27,420
- Oh, no. What's wrong with them?
203
00:09:27,420 --> 00:09:28,800
- They've contracted a crippling disease
204
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,870
and they may not have long.
205
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:33,630
- A disease? (stammers) What, why?
206
00:09:33,630 --> 00:09:35,460
How could this happen?
- How?
207
00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:36,600
- I don't have enough
information right now
208
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,323
due to the light out in the
abortion waiting room clinic.
209
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,355
My hands are tied and my day is ruined.
210
00:09:42,355 --> 00:09:44,764
- Are they gonna live?
211
00:09:44,764 --> 00:09:47,490
- I'd say they have about a 35% chance.
212
00:09:47,490 --> 00:09:49,560
- Is that good?
- It's not bad.
213
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:53,040
It basically means that 65%
of the people who have it die.
214
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,753
- Well, what's that in fractions?
215
00:09:56,070 --> 00:09:57,180
- Well, about three and a half
216
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:59,310
out of every 10 people survive.
217
00:09:59,310 --> 00:10:00,270
- What?
218
00:10:00,270 --> 00:10:05,270
How can half a person die
from this gruesome illness?
219
00:10:05,580 --> 00:10:06,840
- Good ear. They can't.
220
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:07,890
Unfortunately, what that means
221
00:10:07,890 --> 00:10:10,200
is that 13 out of every
20 people who contract it
222
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,363
drop dead in my arms.
- Huh.
223
00:10:13,290 --> 00:10:15,123
- Now you're speaking my language.
224
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,900
- Yeah. So we got nothing
to worry about then.
225
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:20,460
- Yeah, he's probably fine.
226
00:10:20,460 --> 00:10:22,000
- Fractions helped us.
227
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,700
- (chuckles) Yeah, they did.
228
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:24,750
- Come here, you two.
229
00:10:28,860 --> 00:10:30,390
- That was so fun.
230
00:10:30,390 --> 00:10:31,680
Thanks again for tuning in
231
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:32,880
to "Fucking With (beep)"
232
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:37,025
- Goodbye. And thank you.
233
00:10:37,025 --> 00:10:40,192
(bright upbeat music)
234
00:10:44,566 --> 00:10:45,930
- So what did we learn today?
235
00:10:45,930 --> 00:10:47,940
- That growing up is hard.
236
00:10:47,940 --> 00:10:50,340
- That aging is a curse.
237
00:10:50,340 --> 00:10:52,530
- That the human body is a flesh prison
238
00:10:52,530 --> 00:10:54,393
and the only escape is death.
239
00:10:55,410 --> 00:10:57,480
- Close enough. Thanks, everyone.
240
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,940
This episode was brought
to you by the number three,
241
00:10:59,940 --> 00:11:02,370
which is the number of bullets
I have left in this gun
242
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:05,332
that I'm gonna fire off at
random because I feel like it.
243
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:08,249
(gunfire cracking)
244
00:11:10,260 --> 00:11:13,980
Until next time, stop
exploring, stop being curious,
245
00:11:13,980 --> 00:11:17,503
and for the love of God, please
lose that sense of wonder.
246
00:11:17,503 --> 00:11:20,836
(spirited upbeat music)
247
00:11:21,856 --> 00:11:26,016
♪ If you survive 25 ♪
248
00:11:26,016 --> 00:11:28,397
♪ It's all downhill from there ♪
249
00:11:28,397 --> 00:11:31,638
♪ A slow dive till you die ♪
250
00:11:31,638 --> 00:11:33,865
♪ In depression and despair ♪
251
00:11:33,865 --> 00:11:37,184
♪ And no one is stroking your hair ♪
252
00:11:37,184 --> 00:11:40,318
♪ And for the wrong reasons they stare ♪
253
00:11:40,318 --> 00:11:43,224
♪ And it's not really clear ♪
254
00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:45,675
♪ How you got down there ♪
255
00:11:45,675 --> 00:11:48,197
♪ Growing up sucks, don't do it ♪
256
00:11:48,197 --> 00:11:51,034
♪ I know it's tough, but don't do it ♪
257
00:11:51,034 --> 00:11:53,689
♪ You never get used to it ♪
258
00:11:53,689 --> 00:11:57,002
♪ It's not worth it, just don't do it ♪
259
00:11:57,002 --> 00:11:59,456
(bright upbeat music continues)
260
00:11:59,456 --> 00:12:03,540
♪ Pressures of life, they won't stop ♪
261
00:12:03,540 --> 00:12:06,007
♪ Won't stop until you die ♪
262
00:12:06,007 --> 00:12:09,220
♪ I don't mind, I still try ♪
263
00:12:09,220 --> 00:12:11,426
♪ Even when I don't know why ♪
264
00:12:11,426 --> 00:12:15,021
♪ They tell you life isn't fair ♪
265
00:12:15,021 --> 00:12:17,969
♪ That you're on your own out there ♪
266
00:12:17,969 --> 00:12:20,772
♪ But it's still not really clear ♪
267
00:12:20,772 --> 00:12:23,275
♪ Why you're lost out there ♪
268
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:25,846
♪ Growing up sucks, don't do it ♪
269
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:28,690
♪ I know it's tough, but don't do it ♪
270
00:12:28,690 --> 00:12:31,322
♪ You never get used to it ♪
271
00:12:31,322 --> 00:12:35,487
♪ It's not worth it, just don't do it ♪
272
00:12:35,487 --> 00:12:40,113
(spirited upbeat music swells)
273
00:12:40,113 --> 00:12:43,280
(gentle upbeat music)
274
00:13:01,223 --> 00:13:05,223
(gentle upbeat music continues)
275
00:13:08,474 --> 00:13:12,281
(gentle upbeat music swells)
276
00:13:12,281 --> 00:13:14,874
(knife pings)
277
00:13:14,874 --> 00:13:17,184
(blood squelching)
278
00:13:17,184 --> 00:13:20,103
- Uh, I meant number five.
279
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,320
- I know what you meant.
20287
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