All language subtitles for House.Of.Fools.S02E06.The.Whip.Affair.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor.en

♪ Today's the day of my big date

♪ With my first girlfriend, Mary

♪ I haven't seen her for 25 years

♪ But she won't have changed
I mean, why would she?

♪ He hasn't a chance
of finding romance

♪ With his bald head
and his hunch back

♪ But if he does what I say
He may be OK

♪ She won't have changed
I mean, why would she? ♪

Come in here, lad. Come on,
Mr Corncobs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

On the settee, please.

Nice flourish. Now, Vic...

this date with this ex-girlfriend of
yours, are you sure it's a good idea?

Well, I know things
didn't end well, you know,

with that prank with the acid bath.
Yeah.

But, you know, time heals
all wounds.

Yeah, time is a great healer.

Show me that letter that
she sent you. Hang on.

Here it is. Removing
it from your pocket there.

"Dear Vic, long time no see."

That was worrying me, that.

"Long time no see" - does that mean
she's blind?

No, it's just a figure of speech,
you know what I mean?

If you haven't seen someone
or something for a long time.

So she is blind?
What?

No, I promise you, as one old Etonian
to the other, she isn't blind,

all right? Carrying on. "A lot of
water has passed under the bridge..."

That's another thing -
this bridge...

I mean, where is it? What's the
significance? Should I remember it?

And here's a thing here,
I didn't get this -

"I've been living in Canada,
I think."

I mean, "I've been living in Canada,
I think." You'd know if you were

living in Canada, wouldn't you?
Yeah, that is a bit strange.

Let's have a look. "I've been living
in Canada, I think it would be nice

"to meet up again now
I'm back in the area."

Sounds completely different
when you read it.

What did you do? It's just
a long shot, I took a chance

and I read on to the next line.

It's transformed it, hasn't it? Mm.

Anyway, just signed "Mary"
with a telephone number.

Yeah, so I texted her on
me mobile telephone. Yeah.

And I'm going to meet her tonight in
Julie's Bistro. I know all that,

but my worry is will you
actually even recognise her?

Yeah, I've got this picture of her
from 1988. Let's have a look.

Oh, she's pretty. Isn't she pretty?

Isn't she pretty, ladies
and gentlemen? Don't you think?

I mean, 25 years ago - she might
have changed quite a bit, Vic.

She might have put on a lot
of weight, a bit like you.

What, you saying she's fat? No, I'm
just saying she might have put on

a bit of weight. No, you said
she's morbidly obese.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.
Do you know something I don't?

Eh?
No.

Right, you, I'm going upstairs.

Vic's got a date, I'm going to
help him get ready.

Yes, you're in charge now.

Right, I want you to use this
opportunity to develop

the sports bar theme.
So I'm the manager?

Yes.

And so, after a verbal agreement
with Julie, which you all witnessed,

Bosh takes the first tentative steps
into sports bar management.

And I'd like to
congratulate you, sir,

on being the first supporting artist
to feature in me new sports bar.

There you go. That's for you...

you twat.

What is that?

Face mask.

Yeah, but what is it?

It's a face mask.

For getting rid of the spots,
for tonight. Yeah.

That's not a bad idea. Come on.

Thank you.

What is it made of, Vic?

Crocs.

I melted some Crocs down.

Take it off, Vic, we need to practise
this date with Mary, yeah, please?

I'll be Mary.
Right, yeah.

So, we've just sat down.

Hello, Mary. Well, I must say,
you've got really nice and fat.

Will you stop talking about fatness?
You started it.

You said she was morbidly obese.

No, I didn't but all right, if you
want to make it a fat date,

here goes. Hello, Vic, I see
you've piled on the pounds.

Well, yeah, that's because
I'm living with this bloke, Bob,

who's a feeder.

And he's a big fat knacker as well.

Did you enjoy winning that trophy
they gave you for being

the fattest bloke to ever
pass through Bristol?

Well, I heard that you often find
there's people queuing behind you

saying, "Can I buy the ticket
for the hot-air balloon ride?"

Submit! Submit!

♪ Just come back
from a night in the sack

♪ With a woman from
the travelling circus

♪ She stole all my cash

♪ Waxed my moustache

♪ And dressed me as a lion

♪ Tamer! ♪

Release him!

You made me late for the chiropodist.
My wife's going to kill me.

All right, Beef.
I like your whip, mate.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is no ordinary whip.

It holds a terrible secret.

Sounds terrible.

It is terrible. It is so terrible in
its awfulness. What is the secret?

Draw near.

Nearer still.

Nearer... That's perfect.

If cracked correctly...

..it has the power to stop time.

Do it, then.
I dare not.

Right. Well, I do.

Shit.

What a terrible power.

We must not speak of this evil.

Oh, I say!

You're a bit of all right.

Quite wealthy, too.

Let's go to Rome.

Maybe get a room in Rome.

Go on the Monarch Airlines -
I prefer them.

Yeah, that sounds great, let's go.

What?

I wasn't expecting that.

You weren't expecting that, either.
I wasn't, no.

Oh!

Nor that one. However...

..I am just about to crescendo.

Oi, Bosh.

Do you remember me?
No, I don't.

Mary. Used to go out with Vic.

Listen, love, maybe you're Mary,

maybe you're not.

I don't know because all women
look the same to me.

Even if you are who you say you are,

you're a little bit early for Vic's
date. Yeah, that's just it,

I can't make it.

I've got to fly to Antwerp to launch
a new range of underpants.

Yeah? What are they like?
They're tight. Oh.

Yeah, they're very tight.

They're insanely,
almost inhumanly tight.

Oh...!
Like a vice.

So, apologise to Vic for me,
I've got to rush.

But he'll be devastated,
ya dozy twat.

I'll give him a ring
if I get a chance.

I'm really excited about tonight.
Yeah.

I've spilled it.

You really liked her,
didn't you? Yeah.

She used to give me butterflies
every time we met.

All giddy in the stomach and that?

No, I didn't eat them, I used to
just put 'em in an envelope...

and forget about them. Oh, right,
she really did give you butterflies.

And moths.
Whatever, yeah.

I'm really nervous. You wouldn't
come and sit with us, would you?

No, I don't want to be a gooseberry.

Who would want to be
a bitter little fruit?

Hi, guys!
All right, Julie?

I've brought me make-up bag to get
you ready for your date. Good.

Right, strip down to your noggin
pouch and let's get started.

It's just hair and make-up.

Fine. Right, I've got your wig.

Ooh!

This looks enticing.
It's really...

Ooh! Oh!

Oh, you're kidding, aren't you?
That really works.

Now that's increased my confidence.

Right, come on, Bob, you be Mary
and let's see how

I get on with my new increased
self assurance and vim.

Oh, hello, Vic. I
must say, your hair's very empirical.

Have you used a relaxant?

Well, if anything,
Mary, I'm constipated.

It's no good. Have a go on this,
you'll look a bit more like Mary.

OK, I understand.

A bit more feminine, yeah?
That's it.

Hi! Bob, Bob, Bob.

Tits and teeth.
Oh, sorry, right.

That's it.

Hello, Mary. Hi. Me?
What do I do all day?

Well, I spend most of my time

making adverts for fizzy
morning drinks, you know,

Andrews Liver Salts, that sort
of thing. Wow.

When I'm not doing that I'm sitting
on the pointy end of my yacht

eating really expensive -
and I mean top end - chops.

Oh, wow!

Right, you two lovebirds, I need
to get him ready for his date.

See you late.
Oh!

See you later.
Yeah, good luck.

Look after him, Julie. Yeah, yeah,
got it. You know what they say -

you can't polish a turd but you can
roll it in glitter.

So, let me get this straight,

Mary's not going to appear.
That's exactly what I'm saying.

Good heavens. You know Vic as well
as I do - this will destroy him.

Can't we just get him another date?
I'm afraid there's no time.

I have an idea. Remember, he has
no idea what she looks like now,

so one of us must pretend to be Mary.

Who is the most ladylike
of this quartet?

Not me, for sure.

That's true.
Very true.

So it's between us three, this trio.

Let us all strike a romantic
and sultry pose.

And I will chose the most womanly
and feminine of your displays.

Begin.

I am Bosh Rogan Josh
and I am occupation twat.

Elegant with a hint of
casual impropriety.

Erik. Hi, I'm Erik
and I'm Bob Mortimer's son.

Oooh-ah!

Oooh-ah!

Beef.
Yes.

Flawless, dusky complexion
with romantic intent.

An erotic masterpiece.
It has be Beef.

It was never in any doubt.

There does, however, remain one huge
problem. Yeah, what is that?

There is a chance he may fall
irrevocably in love with me.

So, Vic, if you want to hook a lady,

you need to display
the three Ss, OK?

Strength. Style. And seduction.

Right, watch this.

Now, what could be more stylish
than a mysterious dance?

Hoo!

Ah!

And the next one - seduction.

"Hi, Vic. Sorry but can't
make it tonight.

"Going to Antwerp. Good luck. Mary."

Abroad.

So that's it, old boy, the three
Ss. Yeah, I think I've got it.

Right, Julie, I'm going
to go upstairs

and get into my special
outfit for tonight.

It's, erm, a kind of St Tropez feel,
tempered by a hint of Grimsby.

Oh!

I like it.

Julie... Terrible.

Pull yourself together.
Terrible news.

Please, pull yourself together.

Terrible news, Mary's
cancelled the date with Vic.

She's gone to see
a twerp in Belgium, or something.

Oh, Vic is going to be heartbroken.
Is there nothing we can do?

I don't know.

I mean, I was thinking that he hasn't
seen her for 25 years,

he won't know what she looks like.
Oh, I catch your drift.

But which one of us
looks more like a woman? Yeah, oh...

I don't know. I've got these. Yeah.

Yeah, but I've seen a picture of Mary
and, to be honest, she's not

so, erm, pronounced at the top,
you know.

Oh, I see, right.
Well, bear with me.

Do you know what? It could just work,
yeah. Let's give it a try.

Right, on your marks, get set, eat.

Right, you, false start.

You went too early.
Get out of my sports bar.

Bosh!

Is she here yet? No.

I'm really nervous.
Yeah, I would be in that outfit.

Where did you get that from? eBay.

Bonnie Tyler was selling some
of his old clothes, so I got them.

Where should I sit? Come over here.

You are sitting down at
the football themed table.

Take a seat, have a little chat
with her and then at half-time,

you just swap seats. Now, I'm going
to go and get you a drink.

Hey, Vic. Good luck, but remember
it's a long time since you saw her,

so she could look like a man.

- You must be Mary.
- Yes.

She is quite different,
she's got a beard.

Yes, but he...she...it is beautiful.

She's got a beard.

Yes, but he...she...it has a swarthy
radiance and romantic demeanour.

She's got a beard.

Yes.

Hello, Mary. Hello.

Not the usual thing you
find on a woman.

Well, the times,
they are a-changing.

Yes.

I like your beads. Yes.
It's made from cauliflowers,

steamed in the bellies
of locomotives

and then hand-pressed by Scottish
widows with light bulbs for hands.

Do you know what?
You remind me of a friend of mine.

Yes, maybe we should order.
Yes, maybe we should.

What was it you always used to
order at our favourite restaurant?

Oh, erm...

Bounty bars.

Yes, Bounty bars,
the most coconutial of all the bars.

I recognise those floral tenets.

As I suspected, Beef Galore.

What do you think you're doing,
Beef?

Go on, clear off, Mary'll be
here in a minute. Go on, get out.

Honestly, male, really?

In fact, here she is now,

arriving via the doorway
with my colleague, Bob.

Sorry about that, Vic,

it was just our hilarious joke to
get you in a very good mood,

ho-ho-ho.

That's definitely how it was,
ha-ha-ha.

Ho-ho-ho.

Oh, hello, Mary.
Ooh,
hoi, Vic.

Sorry about the accent,
but I've been

living in Canader for the last 25
years since we've been going ooout.

So long time, no see.

Yeah, I know,
that's what...that's what Bob said,

but I can see that you can see
actually, yeah.

Also, he said you were

so fat you had to sleep in hangar
number one at Heathrow.

But you're lovely. Thank yooou.

Did you ever marry?

Yes, I've been divorced four times.

Right. LOL, ROFL, get in there.

What's the story there, then?

Oh, well, you see, my first,
erm, husband,

he was a farter, you know?

Always farting, you know, fart.

"Oh, honey, hey,
what's for breakfast?" Fart.

And, you know, "Hey, honey,
I'm going to go out." Fart.

"Hey, honey, I'm home." Fart, fart.

Fart.

And, you know,
"Good night, sweetheart." Fart.

Will you excuse me
for a moment, Mary?

Seems to be going all right,
doesn't it? Mmm.

Hello, there, madam.
Are you on your own?

Can I get you a drink or anything?

Yes, that would
be splendid.

Yes, anything you'd like with it?
Maybe a cracker? A cracker.

Oh, I just saw a bus go past with
a really unusual registration number.

I wish I'd had my notebook,
make a note of it.

I like to do that, do you? Unusual
things. What about that cracker?

Oh, I haven't asked. What's your
name? Names are for tombstones.

So what do you think of this place,
Mary?

It's a bistro, the kind of place
for people to connect.

I love it. I love it,
I like it a lot.

I'll tell you, what else?

I know the owner of this place
really well, actually. Do you? Yeah.

What is she like?
Well, she's, erm...

..mental.

You know, peculiar.

But she's kind and generous and...

altogether wonderful. Tell me more.

Well, she'll do anything for you.

She did all my hair
and make-up today

and she's very kind to simpletons.

And...

she's actually really good-looking.

A lot better looking than you,
you know. No offence.

I'd love to meet her.
Well, you should do.

Hey, tell you what, we'll get her.

Bob! Yeah? Go and fetch Julie.

Sorry? Go and fetch Julie.
What, Julie Goodyear?

Julie from...
what are you on about?

Julie! Julie... Oh, so...

Oh, she's had to rush away really
urgently to do some light

engineering in Bosnia, of all places.
Hi. You want to speak to Julie?

She's in the kitchen. Oh, thanks
Go and get her, then.

Sorry, I didn't know. There's been
a misunderstanding. Come on, Bosh.

Bosh...

Julie's in the kitchen.

Julie's in the kitchen.

(Bosh, that lady there
is Julie, yeah?

But Julie's...
Don't you dare. No, right?

(All we need to do is find a way
to change Julie back to Julie,

Yeah.
Well, get her over here, then!

Yeah.
Oh, I need to go to the bathroom.

OK. Is it a number two?
Oh, no, it's a first of the night.

Hi, guys.

We need you to go into the bog,
climb out of the bog window,

go round upstairs
and change back into Julie.

Oh, this is such a hoot!

But, Bosh, this is going to
take ages. Oh, ages, is it?

Well, it's time you want to stop,
is it? Well, I'll use my time whip.

That's your solution, is it,
to stop time with a whip?

How else you going to
move the plot along?

I like the sound of that whip, go on.

I don't want it to happen to me,
here. Here we go.

It worked! I know. I never thought
I'd see that in my lifetime. No.

I thought it would take till,
I don't know,

about 2050 to see time
stopped with a whip.

So, what do we do now, then?
We just wait.

Don't you dare, Bob.

Just a little cuddle?

All right.
Go and have a little cuddle, go on.

Dog food?

Hi, did you want me?
Yeah, hello, Julie.

I just wanted you to meet my date.

Oh, I've just met
her in the ladies'. Yes.

Oh, she's very pretty,
very charming.

We discussed everything
we needed to discuss

and we agreed to leave it at that.

Do you like her? Oh, very good.
Catch you later.

Oh, Mary! Julie said she just
bumped into you in the toilet.

Oh, well, we discussed

what we needed to discuss
and we left it at that. Ha!

Right, OK. Well, where were we?

Second S, style.

Oh, look at that!

Oh!

Whoa.

Ooh, la la.

Oooh...

- Come on, come on!
- Is that fire? Yeah!

How about that?

Bravo!

So, you have a good night?
I did. Yeah.

Look, are you going to get the bus
home or do you want

to borrow my bike?

Aren't you forgetting something?
What about the third S?

Seduction. Exactly.

Oh, excuse me a minute.

Yes, hello. Hi, Vic,
it's Mary. I know.

I was able to change my travel
arrangements. But who's this Mary?

Vic, it's me. It's Julie.

Look, I'm sorry, I just really
wanted you to enjoy your date

and she cancelled, I...

I'm sorry, I'll get my bits and...
No, no, no! Stay there.

Look, I'm really sorry, Mary,
but I've got to go down

the swimming baths because Laurence
Llewelyn-Bowen is going to do,

like, a massive bomb off the top
diving board and he wants me

to take a picture of it, so...
That's absolutely fine.

To be honest,
you're not my type, anyway.

I like big, fat,
hairy blokes, like this one.

Oi, Bof, Bish, Beth, whatever
your name is. Beef, actually.

It turns out that I am actually
available to have it away

with you for the second time,
if that's appealing.

It is, but it isn't.
I'll tell you why.

The underpants that you've given me
are so inhumanely tight

I can't get them off.

You're as bad as the Belgians.

Don't worry, I have a spork.
Ah! Come with me.

Now, then...

..where were we?

Seduction.

♪ Didn't we have a lovely day?

♪ The day that Julie was Mary

♪ But what happens next?

♪ We take a stroll

♪ A stroll around this house of
fools... ♪

Yes!