All language subtitles for House.Of.Fools.S02E04.The.Danceathon.Affair.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor.en

♪ Today's the day of the danceathon

♪ 24 hours of dancing

♪ Fast or slow, just watch me go

♪ But who will be the
last man standing...?

♪ He jumps, he grooves
With his bouncing boobs

♪ He can go on for hours

♪ Just look at him
As he jumps and shakes

♪ And he never takes a toilet break

♪ No! ♪

Honk, honk. All right, Vic.
That outfit is incredible.

That outfit is
incredible. Do you like it?

Yeah, it's like a
doormat... Like a matador.

That's what you look like.

Where did you get it
from? The pound shop.

The pound shop? The pink pound shop.

Nice. It's not too flouncy, is it?

Not too urgent? Not too busy?

Plenty of room on top.

No, it's all of those things,
Vic, yet it really suits you.

Yeah, thank you. It's not
too overwhelming, is it?

No, it's perfectly
whelmed. Looks lovely.

Thank you. Not too plumptious?

Oh, trust you to concentrate on
the plumptiousness of the outfit.

Tell me it's not too plumptious.

Well, I mean, when you bend over...

When you bend over, I can
see a couple of plumps,

I've got to be honest, but...

It's a great outfit and it's
perfect for the danceathon.

Good, where did you get your
outfit? GET OFF... is the main thing.

Yeah, it's a professional dance outfit.

It's from France, it's francais.
It's from the Salon De Dance, yeah.

Yeah, well it's the same supplier,
just further down the supply chain.

Who's your favourite dancer,
Vic? Have you seen Kevin Bacon?

No, but I've seen him
fry an egg! Oh, honk-honk!

Honk-honk! Ha-ha,
honk-honk ho... ha!

No, seriously though,
like, do you like Grease?

No, I prefer Spain! Honk-honk!
Ha! Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha, ha!

Honk-honk, you're saying?
You're saying honk-honk.

Yeah.

Are you proud of what
you've just said, Vic?

No. No.

Do you think you'll be doing it
again? Probably. Probably, yeah.

You're not even moving!

Oooh, sometimes!

I hit you then, you didn't even shift.

Sometimes! Hey, come on, stop
this. Right, come on, then.

Stop this, let's do some dance
moves. Are you ready, Vic?

Yes, I am. And, go! One!

Dance move number one.

Oh, it's good. What
is it, Vic, what is it?

Richard llI trying
to get into the pantry

to get that lovely tin of sardines
he's been after all summer.

I like it. Put it in the
book. It's in the book. Go.

I like that one. Oh, I
like that. What's that one?

I'm grabbing the wrens and
throwing them to Saturn.

Oh, like that dance, I do like that one.

And go. Here we go.

No, I can't get it. What's
it called, what is it?

Running under several
hump-backed bridges

throughout the Peak District.
I like it, I like it.

Bosh! Get up and get out!

Julie, Julie, before you break me,
I'd just like to congratulate you

on the successful way you've bedded
the bistro into the new series.

You twat.

I'm at the end of my tether
with you. Get into the kitchen

out of my sight before I rip
your knickers off and eat them.

Hello?

Yeah, is that the
verminator pest controller?

Yeah, I've got a rat in my bistro
and I need it gone immediately.

Yeah, before anyone finds
out, yeah. No, he's here now.

Yes, I can see him staring at me
with his horrible beady little eyes.

Yeah. Poison?!

Oh, no, way too slow. I
need him gone today. Mm?

Wring his neck? Pfft, no, I
don't want to touch him, no. What?

Well, can't you just come over and
do his head in with a baseball bat?

Oh, you can! Oh, what fun. OK,
well, keep it hush-hush, OK?

See you later, with your
baseball bat. Love you, bye.

Hello, Bosh!

Isn't it... Oh, God, isn't it
horrible when you're on the phone?

Who was that you was talking to, Julie?

Wrong number! Ron
number, as in Ron Goodman,

you know, from...

♪ Ron Goodman's Plastics! ♪

That Ron.

I like your board.

Yes, it's the charity danceathon.

The Guild of Dancing
Men - that's Bob's team -

versus The Butcher Boys.
Last man standing wins.

First prize, Welsh
motoring holiday. Oh, yes.

Second prize, various cleaning products.

And who are these Butcher Boys?

The Butcher Boys
- three times national danceathon champions.

I haven't met them, but apparently
they're a right pack of twats.

Bullies. Bullies. But, my God, they
got all of the moves, man, innit?

I feel sorry for our lads.

I think they're gonna
take one hell of a beating.

Really? We're going to have
fun, though, aren't we, dear?

Oh, yeah, no, we'll have
fun... if I'm still alive.

Why won't you still be
alive? Oh! I don't know...

do you?

Go! Ready to present!
One, two, three, four...

What's it called? What is it?

One, two, three, four... I'm
pointing at The X Factor judges

and then backing out of the studio.

Oh, that's tasty! Come on, and go!

Here we go. What about this one?

Erm... No, what are you calling it?

Polishing my belt and pointing
at that police helicopter.

Yeah, I like it. It's
quite a package of moves

we've got there, Vic. Yeah. One more.

One more. Here we go. No, we
don't want to see that one,

all right? All right. Come on,
save some of your energy, you idiot.

Oh, an idiot, am I? Eh? If I was an
idiot, would I be able to do this?

Next stop, Elephant and Castle!

Wow! I wish I could do that.

Be my guest.

Don't cry. I'm sorry.

Hey, Bob, look. Who are
we up against tonight?

Oh, it's just some local lads.

Bu'er Boys, you
wouldn't know about that.

You what? It's just some
local lads, they call them...

Butcherboys. What they called?

Local lads, called the
Butcher Boys. Called what?

The Butcher Boys.

The BUTCHER Boys!

You know, Vic and Bob should
have got me on their team.

You know, I've done loads
of dancing in my time.

Have you?

Yeah, I did all the
dancing Extreme Survival.

Yeah, and you know Ross
Kemp's Gangs of Namibia? Yeah.

Choreographed the whole thing. Did you?

Oh, yeah. I'VE DONE 'EM ALL, MATE,

Ha-ha!

But what I really, really
like are the musical movies!

Can we do the move from Dirty Dancing?

Oh, please say yes or I'll PISS myself.

All right, then. I'll be Patrick Swayze.

And I'll be the other twat.

OK, go.

Oh, hold on, I meant Flashdance.

Ah-ha! Nice try. You don't
get rid of us that easy.

The Butcher Boys are the best dancers

since Fred Astaire and what's her name!

Ginger Rogers. Does she?
Honk-honk! Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha!

I've done it again, haven't I?

♪ All of my dances Attract the glances

♪ Of the ladies in the parish

♪ When I twiddle my cane
It drives them insane

♪ Cos they know it's a metaphor for my

♪
pen-i-i-i-i-s. ♪

All right, Beef? I love your outfit.

Yes, well, I customised
it for the danceathon.

It's made of the night-time.

And I harnessed its blackness and
solidified it by using evening glue.

You like my cane? Yes. Yes.

OK, tip it that way, turn
the top and Bovril comes out.

Whoa!

Yes, I'm not kidding.

Cracker! Cracker.

Spread it, man.

So, are you ready for
the danceathon, Beef?

Yes! Yeah.

Who are we dancing
against? Tell him, Bob.

The Butcher Boys. The Butcher Boys?!

Don't harm me...

I'm on.

Shut it.

Well, well, well, if it isn't
The Guild Of Dancing Men,

or should I say, Needy Bob
and his two preening ponces?

Got him!

Yeah, well, actually, I'm not really
that needy actually, am I, Vic?

Well...

I'm not, am I, Beef? I'm not
actually that needy, am I?

Well...

Oi, mush, see these legs?
They were made for dancing.

Not like your legs
- they were made for water aerobics.

You know, where you get the
extra support from the water?

You really got him there. He's reeling. Doesn't
know what to say. Look at his stupid face.

If these legs needed water support,

And this one for a bit more

because it's, like, a
bit longer and thicker.

Longer and thicker... Are
you...? Are you looking at me?

Why don't you crawl up my a-hole?

Well, I... I... wouldn't do that

because it's all dingy and disgusting

and I bet it's like a... like a...

Well, I can't think of anything just now but you
can probably imagine the sort of thing I mean.

We've won every danceathon
we've ever entered.

Apart from the one in Scarborough.

That was a bloody... Kill it! Oh,
yeah, and Luton, that was... Shut it.

And either way, pipsqueak,
you, my little friend...

Yeah?.. Will be on the floor
come the end of the night.

See you later.

Get out. Nice coats, by the way.

You've just been butchered. Bye-bye!

I quit. They're animals.
There's no way we can win.

No, Beef. Yeah, he's right, you know.

We'd never be able to hold our
heads up in this parish again.

I'm with Beef. I'm out.

Oh, come on, we've been looking
forward to this for ages!

Think of that Welsh motoring
holiday. A Welsh odyssey, come on!

Balls to the Welsh motoring holiday.

Come on, you're both perfectly fit.

I don't know why you're so
worried about the Butcher Boys!

Come on! I'm going
downstairs to Julie's Bistro.

Why? What for? What?

Why are you going there? I've got
to give her something, all right?

What? What have you got to give her?

I'm not giving her something, I need to have
a chat to her about something, all right?

Why are you going down there?

Vic, all right. I need to
move the story on, all right?

Yeah. Yeah. Why didn't
you just say that, then?

Well, it didn't help, did it?

It's as simple as that. Such a tit!

Do you know what? He's right,
though, we are perfectly fit.

I know, but what if we weren't?

What, you mean...? Yes.
Break each other's legs.

That's brilliant.

But I'll break yours first,
just in case I change my mind.

Well...

All right, so are you two
like an item now, then?

Yeah.

Oh, there you go.

We just got back from
a trip to the hospital.

Oh, there's nothing wrong, is there?
No, we were just watching the idiots

going in and out of A&E.

Oh, right.

Well, go and serve the customers.

Oh, what, the one with the baseball bat?

Oh, yeah, sent a boy to
do a man's job, have you?

Or is that just a boy
dressed as a man? Very clever.

You see, the thing is, Erik,
is I've got a feeling Beef

and Vic are going to try and pull
out of the danceathon tonight, right,

so I wondered if you two would
be willing to go on standby.

Is it important to
you, father? Answer him.

Yeah, yeah, it is important to me, yeah.

Then it's a no.

Excuse me, have you got a toilet?

Oh, yeah? You got a luger
hiding in the cistern, have you?

That's a bit crude!

But, yeah, I have, actually.

Have you got plenty of toilet
paper? Yeah, it's over there, yeah.

Listen, son.

I know why you've come. I know
what you've been sent to do,

but you should know that if
you come at me with that bat

I will rain down on
you like a shit storm.

So finish your croy-sont and get out...

..
yo-o-o-ou

little... twit.

Boom!

It's not going to snap,
man! It has to, keep going!

It won't give! It must!

It won't give, man! Keep
going, it's going to snap!

It won't give, it's not
going to give! It will!

When's it going to snap? Keep going!

Here comes Bob. Just
do exactly as I say.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What sort
of wimbering's going on here?

Beef and me have just broken
our legs, haven't we, Beef?

Yes. What?!

And how did this even happen?

Oh, you're going to think

it's stupid. We were practising
dancing on the stairs.

Oh, what have I told you two
about fannying about on the stairs?

You'll fall and break your legs,
and now you have done, haven't you?

Yes. I'll have to do the
danceathon on my own now.

Oh... Oh, God, you two
must be really disappointed.

What a pity.

What an unfortunate
time for an avoidable

incident to occur on the stairs.

Isn't it, though? I'm
absolutely devastated!

Well, you must be. And I'm
sorry to have shouted, honestly.

I'll phone an ambulance.

No, no. Whoa! No need to do that.

Don't be an arsehole.

All we need is some splints, some rest

and for you to help us onto the sofa.

Well, OK, then. I'll get Vic
first, if you don't mind, Beef.

Come on, then, Vic.
Careful! Let me help you up.

Put your weight on the good leg.

Careful!

Put your leg up to rest on the table.

Yes. Is it that one, yeah?

Sorry? It's nothing.

So, hold on, Beef...?

Right, these splints.

What do I need for these splints, Beef?

Couple of cricket bats
and some sellotape.

OK, I'll go up the shops
and get that now, OK?

And we want some painkillers.
What's good for painkillers?

Chocolate buttons! Get a couple
of bags of chocolate buttons.

And a couple of
Magnums. All right, Beef.

Oh... Have you got any Sugar Puffs? No.

Get some Sugar Puffs.
Have we got any milk?

No, I don't think we've got milk.
Then you need to get some milk.

OK, look, I'll tell you what,
I think I better make a list.

Right, carry on.

Oh, you finished now, are you?

OK, I'll get off and
get this stuff, then.

Oh, hey, hang on. Get me that
magazine where you make a skeleton.

Skeleton magazine. And a scented candle.

Sandalwood. Can I have some
glace cherries for the Babycham?

I don't think we've got any Babycham.

Exactly, well, get that on your
list as well. Oh, right, yeah.

And get some brandy snaps and some
squirty cream for the interior.

And some meringues
and some mini trifles.

Right, you ARE in pain, aren't you?

Right, is that your lot, then? Yeah.

OK, I'll go and get this
stuff. Take the list with me.

Hold your horses, little man.

Put the TV on. Nazi Mega Structures
is about to commence. Ooh!

Hey, before you go, darling... Yeah?

Could you knock us up
a cheeseboard, please,

with some little carrot batons?

Yeah, of course I can. But, actually,
I'd better go up to the shops first

cos they're about to
shut, Vic, all right?

All right, I'll do the food first!

Oh, hello. You must be the terminators.

So happy you're here.
Sick of the sight of him.

He's round the bar, scuttling around.

Apologies for running early.
We're eager to get started.

Good. Sounds like you enjoy what you do.

Yeah, we love it. I mean, of
course, there's pain involved...

Oh, yes. But we smash and destroy

everything in our path,
like a wrecking ball,

and when it's over, we just
finish the job and move on.

Oh, very good. Capiche? Oh, capiche!

Yeah, we don't start
off all guns blazing.

We take our time,
nice and slow at first.

We just enjoy ourselves.

The odd stomp, twist and
break and then, after 24 hours,

we each present our
trademark killer moves...

Jazzy.

You should see my special move.
It's called the knacker blast.

Right, we're off to Alfred's
Gymnasium to limber up.

We'll be there for the
danceathon come 6pm.

Oh, lovely, coming
back to watch, are you?

What are you talking about, sweetheart?

We're the fabulous Butcher Boys.

Oh, right! I'm sorry, I
thought you were someone else.

See you later, sweet pea.

Hey, you know, I reckon we
could keep this up for weeks.

I'm going to get him
to do my paper round!

Good one. I'm going to make
him bake me some petit fours.

Petit fours? Ooh! I'm going to
get him to clean out my chimney.

You don't have a chimney.

Hey, guys, you going to do
Father's dumb danceathon?

No, we're pretending we've broken
our leg so we don't have to do it.

Oh,
co-o-o-ol.

But it's a shame, cos I have something

that could have been of use to you.

What is it, boy?

Look at this clip of
Strictly Come Dancing.

'Keep dancing. '

If you watch closely, you see Tess

is controlling Bruce's
dancing with this wire

which goes up his trouser leg.
It means he never stops moving.

'Keep dancing!'

I miniaturised this device
into this remotely controlled

suppository that you guys
can use in the danceathon.

Wow. And he can dance forever.

Ja.

Bob's doing it on his own. Why
don't you offer it up to him?

No chance! I'm not offering
up to that arsehole.

Tell me something, boy...

Do I disgust you?

A bit.

But it's also exciting.

Sugar?

Yes, please. Lovely.

Hi, Julie. Oh, hiya, Bob.

Hiya! Danceathon! Yeah, baby.

Yeah! Hey, Julie, you
haven't got any brandy snaps

I could nick off you,
have you? No, I don't.

Look, have you got a rifle?

Yeah, I've got a rifle
to shoot my turtles, yeah.

Oh, yeah, of course.

See, I've just found out I've just
been let down by an exterminator.

Oh, wow. Shh! OK...

So... you see, I've
got a rat in the kitchen

and I need to get rid of it,
needs to be killed... right?

Gotcha. Right, ASAP.

So can you help me?
Yeah, well, I'll shoot it

in the back of the head, won't I?

Yes. Just shoot him in the
back of the head, job done.

I'll go and get my rifle.

Yes, bum ting, now, listen...

You'll dispose of it for
me as well, won't you?

Yeah, of course. I'll
just bag him up, yeah,

and lob him in the
skip... behind the bookies.

Thank you very much.

You know, you can take
a sex off me if you like.

'60s style on the kitchen lino?

No, you're all right,
Julie. Thank you, though.

Didn't want any anyway.

I got everything. I couldn't
get any brandy snaps, though.

You fool! You absolute
fool! All right, I'm sorry.

Did you get the Sugar Puffs?
Yes. What about my Toblerone?

You didn't ask for a Toblerone!

Yeah, but I thought it.
What gives with this clown?

Jesus. Look, I'll go and get
your food together now, all right?

But, Bob, look, I know you've got
the danceathon on your own tonight,

but can you make the
food a priority, please?

And I do wish you all
the best for tonight.

Yeah, I know you do. Just
let me get on, all right?

Yeah, all right, yeah.

I'll have to limber up through
here whilst I cook. Yeah, OK.

Right, there you go, lads.
There's a cheeseboard for you, Vic.

Thanks. There's your
bowl of Sugar Puffs, Beef.

Right, I'm off to the danceathon.

Going to win us all a Welsh
motoring holiday, yeah?

Yeah! Well, wish us luck, then.

Good luck. Good luck. Thank you.

Got to take my rifle with me, as well.

All right, Julie, where is he?

What did you do that for?
You've broken my leg, Bosh!

Yeah, cos she sent you to
kill me with your rifle.

What?! Don't be silly! Why
would I want to kill you?

Bob's here to kill a rat for me.

Oh, what, you mean this one?

Oh, Bosh, you're my hero.

I won't be able to do
the danceathon now, Bosh!

Oh, I am so sorry.

What a fool I have been.

Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately
the Guild Of Dancing Men

are unable to perform tonight,
so the winners by default are...

Not so fast!

Dancing tonight are the Guild
Of Dancing Men with Vic Reeves

and his partner, Beef Galore.

Lads, lads, don't do it!
What about your broken legs?

It's all right, Bob, it doesn't
matter. Turns out it was only wind.

Let the battle commence!

Five, six, seven, eight.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Popcorn by Gershon Kingsley

'70s POP MUSIC PLAYS

Pump Up The Jam by Technotronic

Virginia Plain by Roxy Music

Oh, it burns! It burns!

We Found Love ft
Calvin Harris by Rihanna

Careless Whisper by George Michael

Keep dancing!

And the winners are...

The Guild Of Dancing Men!

OK, position it and drop.

Mmm. Beautiful. It really
helps with the pain.

Beef! Beef!

Beef!

I'm exhausted. What is it now?

Yeah, erm, I want, like, a
Sloppy Joe hot dog with a Weetabix

with cold milk and, like,
essence of Belgian farm hand,

just spreaded over the top of
it. Off you go, Beef, off you go.

Oh, Bob, are you all right?
Yeah, you know, so-so, yeah.

I brought you a hot water bottle.

Oh, thank you, that's lovely
and warm. It's lovely and warm.

Where's Vic? Vic? You want
Vic? Yeah, I want Vic, yeah.

Vic!

Keep dancing!
D-d-didn't he do well!

♪ Didn't we have a lovely day?

♪ The day we won the danceathon

♪ But what happens next?

♪ We raise a glass

♪ Give Bob the Vs

♪ And scratch our arse. ♪