All language subtitles for House.Of.Fools.S02E03.The.Moth.Affair.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor.en

♪ Today's the day that I display
my skills as a director

♪ I wrote the script on the wings of
this moth,

♪ I only hope it doesn't fly off... ♪

♪ Imagine if it did fly off... ♪

♪ How awful if it does fly off... ♪

♪ Will you look at that prick?

♪ He wrote his script on the back
of an effing insect

♪ That's what I said,
you heard me right,

♪ On a moth he found on a window
ledge...a window ledge. ♪

All right, Dr Corncob?

Oh, dear,
why do I always lose my scripts?

It's so depressing at my age, 36,

I bet Scorsese never has
this trouble.

No, I bet he doesn't.
I wonder if that's because, like,

he doesn't write his scripts
on insects?

You know what I mean, maybe
it's that,

you know, he writes on,
on something more solid

like a van door, or a lathe,
something like that?

I spilt me, spilt me tea.

It doesn't matter though, does it?

You can't say that that matters.

Not really, no.

So, Vic, this script, what was
it for?

Well, Julie asked me to do it, it's a
promotional video,

an advert if you like,
for the bistro.

Oh, right, shush, shush.
Look, there's Erik on the TV, yeah.

And in showbiz news,

Norwegian teen pop sensation
Mags Flahonnoman has arrived in the

country today, causing mass hysteria
amongst people who like him.

His whereabouts are being kept
secret by his manager,

Don Draper from Mad Men.

That's not Erik, that's teen pop
sensation Mags Flahonnoman.

I know, but, wow, he doesn't half
look like Erik, doesn't he?

He does, doesn't he?
Are you sure you didn't have twins?

Would you? Yeah, I think I'd like to
return the compliment.

There you are, sir. Erm, excuse me.

Wait a minute.

Yeah, yeah. Hair, yeah.

Yeah? Something different. Come on.

You, you've had a metal plate fitted.

I have, I've had a metal plate
fitted. Yeah.

Yeah, I won a scratchcard
and I thought I'd treat myself.

I've had a steel plate put in.
Are you finished, by the way?

I'm finished, thank you.

Right, well, I better go and tell
Julie

I haven't got the script any more.
You're going nowhere, fellow me lad,

not until you've sorted that
moth out in there.

My panties are drying
in the kitchen, yeah?

And I don't want a moth, like,
gnawing at them and licking them,

and all that and everything,
like that, you know what I mean?

All right, I'll go
and fettle it with me 12-bore.

No, you won't, Vic. I don't want my
panties covered in shots.

Go on, get in there and sort it out.

Oh!

Bad news, Bob. What, what? Bad news.

What, it really is, isn't it? Yeah.

What, it's not me panties, is it?

What, all of them?

Well, there's one pair left,
you know,

your silver ones with "slut"
written on the back of them.

Oh, right, my Friday nighters.

Yeah. And it's grown, Bob, I mean
it's really grown.

Yeah? Have a look.
Let me have a look.

It's horrible...it's horrible,
like...

..like you.

My sentiments exactly. Look,
it's in there and it can't get out.

We'll just leave it in there
until it melts.

Melts? What about my Friday
nighters?

Oh, shit, I was going to
wear them for bums and tums as well.

Well, anyway, I ain't got time to
hang around here.

I have to get downstairs and start
directing this movie.

Look, excuse me, excuse me.

You've lost your script,
haven't you?

Gaaaahhh!

Yeah, that's hurt, hasn't it?

Right, I'll just go and tell her
that you've let her down, then.

Ooh, I haven't let anyone down.

You're not going anywhere until you
sort out this moth.

It's getting angry.

Oh!

I can't wait for Vic any longer,
I have to do it myself.

Right...action.

Hi, I'm Julie.

This is my bistro.

What's my surname?

You don't need to know that, you
won't be able to pronounce it

anyway, it's Czechoslovakian, yeah.

How old am I? I'm 42, I'm 25, she's
71, she could be 18.

Here's someone else.

Hello, everybody, and first of all,
a big congratulations to Julie

for managing to keep the bistro open
throughout

the duration of the series,
while selling absolutely nothing.

So, congratulations to you, Julie,
you twat.

This is my head waiter, Bosh,
he gets a little fuzzy in the head

because of too much Ritalin.

Bosh, why don't you introduce all
these lovely people to the

bar area, with a flourish?

OK, follow me to the bar area
and I'll show you around.

After all,
what else are you going to do?

Over here, it's a quite simple bar.

In this section here we have beer,
wine, spirits,

and over here is one of the
oldest...

Oh, I really need a real director,
where's Vic?

Quick, Vic, the conch. Summon Beef.

These are our lands,
seize their leader.

Whoa, oh, oh, hang on son,
who are you?

Well, I heard the conch,
I just came and did my line.

Oh, are you doing the Captain Cook
story in the studio next door?

Wrong studio, mate.

Oh, shit, I've been
waiting for hours for that.

I bet I've missed me scene now, I
came all the way down from Grantham.

Turned down a part in Scott
And Bailey as a mischief maker.

Oh. Tits!

Look, look, son, we've got the part
of a copper coming up soon,

later on in the third act.
You don't fancy doing that, do you?

Oh, yeah, I'd love to, yeah.
Yeah. £32?

20 what?

28 quid.

It's going to pay your fare back to
Grantham, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd love that, yeah.

Oh, good. There you are.

The only thing is, I haven't had
anything to eat yet cos I've been in
the wrong studio.

You don't have a luncheon
voucher, or...?

Well, uh, I tell you what, Morgana
who plays Julie's just stood

out there. Go and have a word with
her and she'll sort you out with a
luncheon voucher,

take you down to wardrobe and get
you all sorted out and kitted out.

Morgana, can you take David down to
wardrobe and sort him

out with something to eat?

Cheers.

Nice enough chap, wasn't he?

Yeah, come on, Vic, summon Beef.

These are our lands. Seize the...

You did it better that time as well.

No, please, Vic, Vic,
come on, summon Beef.

♪ I'm a soldier I am
off to Afghanistan

♪ I just love those Muslim ladies

♪ You'll have to agree
just looking at me

♪ They'll be lining up to
have my bab-ies. ♪

All right, Beef?

All right, Beef, I love your shirt.

Yes, yes, it's made from camouflage.

Actual woodland bits and pieces.

I'm surprised you can
actually see me.

Anyway, why did you summon me
with your horn?

What is the nature of your crisis?

Right, well, you see, the thing is,

I've got to get down to
Julie's bistro to make a movie.

A movie? Yeah, still pictures that
move to depict real events.

You know, I myself starred
in several sexual horror films.

Yes, there was The Sexorcist.

Nightie Of The Living Dead,

and who could forget
Paranormal Sacktivity.

All financed by the impressionist
Alistair McGowan,

before he went insane.

That's brilliant, very good, Beef.

But the problem is, we've got
a monster moth

trapped in the kitchen and...

You know, we thought with you having
lived in Africa and that,

you might know what to do, you know?

There, there, there, there.

That is a very angry moth.

What have you been feeding him?

Bob's panties. Yeah, my panties.

Oh, my God, well, we need to
becalm him.

You know what this means, don't you?
What?

We must remove our panties.

Ooh!

Ooh, ooh!

Ooh. Oooh!

Oh, stop it, you two!

Get these panties off!

Bosh, can you stop waving it around?

I mean the camera,
not your Little Dorrit.

Right, Julie, WTF, OMG, it's
time for you to say stuff, Julie.

What? Action!

Hi, I'm Julie,
and this is my bistro.

Julie's Bistro.

Julie...

What's with the tiny hands?

It makes the bistro look bigger.

And these.

Right, you open the door, Beef,
and I'll throw 'em in, OK?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second.

Let me see those panties.

David? Yeah.

Who the hell's David?

I mean, your name's Bob, am I right?

Yeah, I'm Bob, yeah.

OK, well, who the hell is David?

Is it David Walliams? No.

It is, it is.
I thought I heard a noise!

It isn't David Walliams!

It is! I've seen you looking at
pictures of him.

It is not David Walliams.

Listen, I can do
an impersonation of David Walliams.

All right. Would you like to see it?
Yeah, I would, yeah.

The computer
says no.

No, it's nothing like it.

Yes, it was.

"Co, computer said no."
It's like that.

No, no, no. Who was that?

Well, would you look,
the computer's switched off.

Oh, it's nothing like David! No.

Yes, David Walliams, you know,
"computer said no".

With, like a lisp,
"computer said no".

It's not,
it's like... "the computer says no".

No, that's Terry Wogan!
That's Terry Wogan, innit?

Well, it's the same thing, innit?

That's Terry Wogan.
No, they're not the same person.

No, it's not, it's terrible.
Anyway, who's this David?

All right. It's...

Dickinson?

Yeah. Cheap as cherries. Oh, listen
to me, cheap as cherries.

"It's as cheap as cherries."

Oh, it's just Wogan again, innit?

Anyway, let me see your panties.

Oh, you're kidding.

They're nice.
I bet they cost a fortune.

It's a shame that no-one's ever
going to see them though, innit?

Yeah, well, you know,
I'm not bothered because...

I know I'm wearing them.

They make me feel really special

Yeah, but, they are really small,
Vic. There's not going to be much
nourishment in there

for the moth, is there?

No. Fear not.

Yeah? Yes? Get a load of this one.
What?

Well...

no-one's perfect.

Now a lot of celebrities dine at
Julie's Bistro, such as Barry Gibb.

He's always here,
he likes cappuccinos.

This is Taylor Swift,
she's a lovely lady

but she does tend to block
the toilet up every now and again.

Oops, shouldn't say that, should I?

This is Tony Robinson
and the Time Team.

"I wouldn't mind
poking around in your trench",

that's their main joke.

Genesis,
they come together in their van.

It says, "No tools left in the back
of this vehicle overnight",

on the back door.

Nothing else much to say about them
really, but they're nice lads.

And finally, Alistair McGowan,
before he went insane.

Yes, you too could dine
at Julie's Bistro with the stars.

How was that, Bosh,
what do you think?

Was it all right?

I don't know, Julie, I wasn't
watching.

Right, let's do this. I'll get the
door, Beef. Quickty.

Sorry, what? Quickty.

Sorry, what, Vic?

Quickty, it's me
new way of saying quickly.

Oh, right, it's really good,
isn't it?

Right, I'll get the door...quickty!

Hold your horses, who the hell

gave you permission to
use his word willy-nilly?

Oh, well, do you mind, Vic?

Well, I was hoping to just keep
it for meself, you know, to make

meself look cool, you know.

Eg, there goes the Olympic swimmer
Arthur Nugent swimming really

quickty.

Yeah, oh, I understand,
I won't use it, then.

Right, I'm going to do this really
quackly.

That's even better, isn't it?

Good heavens, that thing's colossal.

It's taken them, it's taken it,
it's taken it.

Yeah. Oh, he's...

..he's eaten them quackly, hasn't
he?

It seems calm.

Yeah, but how long till he needs
feeding again, Vic?

We need more panties.

Hey, Vic. Yeah, hi, Vic.

Hi.

All right, kids?

Erik, I really think you could be
a little bit more respectful...

Yeah, I, I thought..

Yeah, I've got Beef round...

I know how it appears...
No, I understand, yeah.

You treating me like...
Yeah, yeah, cool.

Yeah, no, but I, I am after
all your father, aren't I?

Ooh, ooh.
All right, all right.

You nailed that one.

We are just taking a bag of Rachel's
knickers down to the launderette.

Why, is it her birthday?

Party, guys.

No, hold on, hold on,
I've got one as well.

I've got one.

Hey, I hope you've got a really
powerful industrial detergent

cos you'll need it for
Rachel's knickers!

That kind of joke?

Hey, Vic, aren't you meant to be
downstairs making

a promotional film for Julie?

Yeah, I'm supposed to be down there
right now.

Will there be a superstar in it like
Brian Ferry?

They have a point,

getting a pop star to endorse
the bistro's not a bad idea.

You could use that
Max Flahonnoman character.

In fact, that prick looks
just like him.

Hold on, that's me son.

Only by birth.

I tell you what,
why don't you two come with me

and help me make this movie?

Yeah, hey.

Best day of my life, ever.

Whoa, don't be so hasty,
little lady.

I'll take those to the laundromat.

Oh. Thank you, Beef.

Yes.

Good idea.

Ooh, I was right, wasn't I...?

..about the detergent!

God, I hope he likes his food
savoury.

Urgh.

Well, I'm just saying.

There we are.

OK, kids, now all you've
got to do is just sit here

and pretend to be Mags Flahonnoman
and his girlfriend, OK?

Yeah, I'm Mags Flahonnoman
and my life is amazing.

Have, have you got a line?

I am the girlfriend of Mags
Flahonnoman, get used to it, bitch.

Good girl.

Julie. Oh, it's really you, fondle,
fondle, sniffy, sniffy.

Yeah, look, look, I'm sorry about the
delay, but it's all been worthwhile
because...

Oh, it's all right.
..because over there, don't look.

Oh, I'm not.

I've managed to get
Mags Flahonnoman in the movie.

That's Erik, isn't it?

Well, that's what I thought,
but look.

It's really him. Yeah. In, in my
bistro?

Yes. In my film? Yes.

And everyone wants to be here to
find him. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, how can I thank you?

Do you want a quick
go on my thrupneys?

Oh, you're all right, thanks,
Julie, I think I'll leave it.

How about a quick
butter on my Bilbo Baggins?

Not at the moment, thank you.

Not now? No, thank you. OK.

Bosh, let's make a movie.

It seems calm.

Have you got a cold, Beef?

I have, yes.
Oh, that's a shame.

I've spilt me tea again.

Yeah. So, um, those movies you made
in Africa, Beef,

did you make a lot of money
from them?

No, not through the acting,

but I was working on a film called
Zulu with Michael Caine.

Now, not a lot of people know this
but Michael Caine has

naturally frizzy hair, so I came up
with a lotion which keeps his

hair flat, at bay, but with a little
kink, much like the man himself!

Yes, within, I don't know, within no
time at all, I patented that lotion

and it became the global phenomena
which it is to this very day.

Hold on a minute, what global
phenomenon? What's it called?

Frizz Ease, named after my mother.

Frizz Ease? You're
the man behind Frizz Ease?

Yes. Oh, well, I've always wanted to
meet you, how do you do?

I'm good, nice to meet you.

Nice to...oh, wow, I've been
using your product for years.

You? Yeah.

But you don't have curly hair.

You have hardly any hair at all,

that's why you wear that
ridiculous cheap toupee.

Oh, my God!

I could be a pop star,
I have written a beautiful song.

I want to hear it. Now, woman.

Quiet.

♪ Walking down the street in Africa
and I see a box on the floor

♪ I pick up the box
and look inside of it

♪ It's a head

♪ A child's head and I scream

♪ I scream but what can
you expect

♪ Picking up a box in Africa. ♪

I love it.

Do you want to dine
with the stars?

I do, and I bet you do too.

That's why Julie's Bistro is
a celebrity dining experience

destination.

But who's dining in Julie's Bistro
this evening? Let's take a look.

Why, it's teen pop sensation
Mags Flahonnoman.

Excuse me, I've been sent from the
station to inform you that

a television crew,
and a large gaggle of the younger

set are on its way.

Something to do
with a pop person, you, I presume?

Is that all right, Vic?

Yeah, it was good. Yeah,
it was really good. Well done.

Oh, thank you. It saved a wasted
journey. Yeah.

I've never actually seen the show
before. Is it for CBeebies?

No, it's for grown-ups.

You're kidding, honestly?

Yeah.

'King 'ell.

We've run out of knickers,
what else does it eat?

Well, they're always pecking
at light bulbs, aren't they?

Grab me that lamp.

Quackly!

Here!

Oh!

Beef, I'm sorry.
Beef, I'm sorry, I didn't...

Oh, you bastard.

Come on! Now, stop this.

I mean, what are we like?

We've got a common enemy there
that we need to address,

and we're here fighting
like a couple of squaddies.

I'm sorry, mate, I'm sorry.

It's all right.

I'm live from Julie's Bistro
in the town centre to exclusively

reveal the whereabouts of pop star
Mags Flahonnoman, and here he is.

Mags, tell us, what are you
doing in this mid-range eatery?

And everyone wants to know who is
the mystery lady friend?

I didn't expect this.

I'm embarrassed.

Hey, you don't know what you're
talking about,

cos you're a non-regular
member of this cast.

What you on about?

That's Erik, that's Bob's son.

So, there we are, Julie,
exactly as I planned.

Your bistro on live
television across the nation.

Oh, Vic, swoon, swoon,
I am so grateful.

Well, it turns out the whereabouts
of the real Mags Flahonnoman

still remains a mystery.

This is a pretty disappointed
Steph McGovern reporting

live from an anonymous
mid-range bistro.

Now time for the sport with
Prakeeshka Numeri Dartarathamendi.

Ooh!

Sheila!

It's Steph.

Same thing. Don't go,
please stay and have a drink.

I'm going to get you the news event
of the year,

right here in this bistro.
Really?

Yeah. Go on. Get that down you.

Do you know what,
I've got a hunch about this moron,

I reckon we should
stay around for a bit.

Vic! Bob!

Do you want to go on a massive
adventure? Yes.

Beef, do you want all your dreams to
come true? Yes!

Then fetch your whip, stand back.

Argh!

Look, it's flying towards
the moon to drink from its light.

Shut up. Beef, just sit back
and enjoy the adventure.

♪ We're three hip guys
on our way to the moon

♪ We got no supplies
cos we'll be back soon

♪ Got to thank you, Mr Moth,
this is a dream come true

♪ Flying

♪ Flying

♪ Flying

♪ To the moon. ♪

Giddy up, you wanker!

You're back with me live at Julie's
Bistro where an enormous moth-type

creature has just emerged from
this building,

carrying three local men on its
back, presumably to take them

up to its lair and stick probes up
their arses.

Julie's Bistro is now the centre
of the world's attention.

Oh, this is brilliant, isn't it,
lads?

It's like the snowman, you know,
with Aled Jones.

Or like, on Avatar when they're
riding round on the dragons.

You need to shut up.

Hey, Beef, see that planet over
there? Oh, yeah.

Do you know what it is?
Uranus.

Yeah, but you're not allowed to
call it that any more.

So what do you call it?

Your arse hole!

Oh, what was that, I missed it?
It doesn't matter. I've got one.

Yeah?
What do you call a female moth?

I don't know what do you call
a female moth?

A myth!

What was that? I missed that one as
well. It doesn't matter.

Hey, lads, listen, if Julie opened
her bistro on the moon,

there wouldn't be much atmosphere,
would there?

Right, back to the plan.

Hold on tight, we're going home.

♪ We're two hip guys flying
back from the moon

♪ We got no supplies
cos we'll be back soon

♪ Got to thank you, Mr Moth
That was a dream come true

♪ Flying

♪ Flying

♪ Flying

♪ From the moon. ♪

We're back, live outside Julie's
Bistro where the enormous moth-type

creature is hurtling towards
the town as I speak.

There is panic in the streets.

Look, lads, we're nearly home.

Sorry, I didn't hear that Vic,
what was... Shut up!

Look, there's the bistro and there's
loads of people surrounding it,

just as I planned.

Here we go.

It's heading straight
for the scientific research

facility on Government Hill.

We're all going to die a horrible,
horrible death.

Thank you.

The eyes of the nation have centred
on this little bistro.

'It's certainly put this
restaurant on the map.'

This is Stephanie McGovern
reporting from Julie's Bistro.

Time now to go back to the studio
with Anita Bush.

Julie...

I think this may be the most famous
bistro in the whole of the world.

Oh, but isn't it just huge
amounts of fun though, is it?

Hmm? Oh, look, there come our
heroes...and Bob.

♪ Didn't we have a lovely day?

♪ The day we rode an insect

♪ But what happens next?

♪ We all hold hands

♪ And listen to
Mags Flahonnoman... ♪

♪ Walking down the street in Africa
watching all the people going by

♪ Suddenly I look down at the floor
and I see a box... ♪

A box!

♪ And being the curious
girl that I am

♪ I pick up the box
and look inside of it

♪ It's a head... ♪

A head!

♪ A child's head... ♪

A child's head!

♪ And I scream, I scream
but what can you expect

♪ Picking up a box in Africa?

♪ Africa. ♪

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.