All language subtitles for House.Of.Fools.S02E02.The.Botox.Affair.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor.en

♪ Today's the day
Ping ping hey hey

♪ Of Erik's girlfriend's birthday

♪ I'm cleaning the house
Cos they're on their way

♪ Ping ping hey hey
Ping ping hey hey... ♪

Ooooh!

♪ Today's the day
Ping ping hey hey

♪ That I become a tattooist

♪ Got Botox too
Ping ping poo poo

♪ Hey hey ping ping
Ping pong ping poo. ♪

Ah, there you go Julie, the first
customer in my pop-up tattoo

and Botox parlour.

Are you happy?

Oh, yes, Vic, I didn't feel
a thing ping ping.

So where did you
get your Botox from?

I found it at the bottom of that box
full of tattooing equipment.

What? Who? Why? When and where
et cetera and ping ping pong?

Sharon Osbourne's house.

Sharon Osbourne's house?
What, did she give it to you?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, and when was this?

Yesterday.

No, it wasn't, Vic.
They were on holiday yesterday.

Oh, yes, they just got back
today from the funny farm.

There you go.

Oh, Vic, you little twister.

You little crunchy, crunchy, crunch.
You've been up to your tricks again,

stealing stuff, you and Bosh,
haven't you?

Yeah, well, she's got buckets of the
stuff. She's not going to miss it.

And hold on, Vic. This Botox is well
past its use-by date.

Yeah, but so are you
and I still use you, don't I?

Yeah. No, the sell-by date is
there for a reason, Vic.

God knows what the side
effects of this could be.

Side effects? What fun.

Yeah, but, Julie, you won't be saying
that if you grow a trunk, will you?

I will.

So, Vic, how much younger do
you think I'll look?

Well, you won't look a lot
younger, Julie,

but you will look a lot more alert
and surprised.

Fabulous, because there's a new
fishmonger in town and I want

to look surprised and startled
when he shows me his turbot.

Yeah, well, this
stuff will do the trick.

Have you not seen Madam Osbourne's
surprised expression

when Louis gets his chod
out of his lunchbox?

Oh, I love chod.
I haven't had any chod for ages.

Oh, hey, I say,
are you two talking about chod?

Yes. I love chod. Yeah.
I love chod.

When was the last time you had
a bit of chod in you?

Oh, well, I try and get some chod
inside me at least once a week, Vic,
obviously.

Hey, twice a week, bank holidays.
I love chod.

Has it happened yet?

No, it'll take a couple of hours
yet, Julie, but you know, just take
your time, go off and relax,

have a cup of tea,
have a nice relaxing poo.

Outrageous.

Something's happening.

Right I'll see you later.
You might not recognise me.

See you, Julie.

Oh, I hope Julie's going to be

all right with that dodgy
Botox, Vic, you know.

And I don't really want stolen
property in here, you know.

It's Erik's girlfriend's first
time round the flat,

I want to make a good impression.

Could you get rid of it?
That'd be nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's with this melon here, son?

Oh, that's just something
I got for her birthday party.

It's a melon right, but with
a picture of me on it, you know.

I thought, like, it would be a good
introduction to my way of life

and the way that I think.

It's a... It's a nice idea, isn't it?

Yes really nice, I mean what young
lady wouldn't want a melon with your
face on it?

No, no. Exactly what I thought, yeah.

Hey, next year when you get to know
her a bit better you could

get her, I don't know, a cabbage.

That's not a bad idea. Yeah.

Yeah, but what would I draw on it?

Your arse?

Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, that could work,
it could work.

Go on, let's get rid of this stuff.

Look, hang on, I'm working on a new
tattoo design, thank you.

Hey, what...?
What are you doing, Beef?

You've got to help me, you must
hide me, you must protect me.

Oh, Beef, what are you doing?

I am doomed.
I am a dead man walking.

Beef, song?

What?

Song? Please. Oh, yes.

Honestly.

♪ I washed the dishes
with another man's missus

♪ That is a euphemism

♪ When I put the plug in
I let the lovin' begin

♪ And now he's on his way round

♪ To kill meeeeeeeeee! ♪

All right, Beef, calm down.
Someone wants to kill you,

I've got that much,
but what has happened?

He's on his way round now.
He's known as the Bradford Butcher.

He is a colossus of a man,
a man without qualms,

a jealous, hideous monster.

And he's on his way round
to kill me.

Why do you go with these women, Beef?

But you haven't seen her.

She is the most beautiful thing
the Lord Jesus has put down for us.

As beautiful...

..as this lady?

Hold on.

Whoo... Come back.

And what is your name?

Kind sir,
my name is Fiona Finger Biscuits.

And look what I can do.

A gymnast?
Imagine the possibilities.

Hang on.

Hold your horses.

This is a hand.

Your hand!

Now listen, Vic, I would never sleep
with another man's lady, I mean.

That's exactly what you've
done, isn't it, Beef?

That's what's got you into all
this trouble again.
Damn these sexual impulses!

Hello, you two, and, Rachel, may
I congratulate you on securing

a new regular part in the series.

Thank you very...
No, no, no, don't you dare speak.

Let me get you a drink,

you new, regular twat.

Hi, guys.

How are you?

And happy birthday, Rachel.

Oh, hi, Julie, you look great.

Thank you.

And how's your day been having a...
a...as a day goes,

up until now, happy birthday?

We went to the aquarium
to see the flat fish.

Rachel, she loves flat fish.

Yes, the flatter the better
I always say.

I hate round things.

I love flat things.

Oh, I love flat things too.

Do you like paper? That's very flat.

Yeah, but paper is good.

A4, A3, A5, I don't mind.

Exactly my point.

Um, so did you have a lovely time?
What did you get up to next?

We went to an embankment.

Was it nice?

It was OK, we had a crap.

I beg your pardon.

A crepe, it's a
low, flat French pancake.

Very, very, very flat.

Oh, yes, it is very flat, isn't it?

Yes, not round.

Very flat.

So are you two...?
Sorry, that's too high pitched.

Are you two...? You two, excuse me,
are you two going to help me

get this place ready
for Rachel's party?

I am just showing Beef
the tattooing equipment.

Yeah, that's what the bot flies
do when I spray them,

now get rid of this muck, will you?

So, where was I?

This is the ink, or paint,
if you like,

and it goes down this tube here
and comes up there,

goes through that stuff and then
comes out at this thing which is...
What's that called?

The pointy end.

Does it have a name?

It's the pointy end!

Oh, there's something funny... No,
no, it's... You're very technical,

it kind of went over my head
a little bit there. Yeah, yeah.

It's just ordinary emulsion paint,
is it?

Yeah, just ordinary paint you
get from an ironmongers,
you know, a hardware store.

You obviously know what
you're doing.

Well, yeah, fair, pretty,
pretty much, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you what, Bob, why don't
you be a customer in my tattoo shop?

Yeah, all right.
All right, then. Come in.

Hello, sir, welcome to my tattoo
shop, Inkontats.

Oh, hello, there, um...
Lovely shop by the way,

but could I just ask, Inkontats?

Inkontats. Sounds like income tax.
Oh, right. No, it does.

So, do you do income tax
advice as well, then, yeah?

That's... That's...

No. No, you don't. Oh, that's a
pity, just given the name, you know,

that's a shame. All right, then.
Sir, you want a tattoo design,

but you're not quite
sure of what you want.

Hmm, yeah, that's right about
where I'm at.

I might be able to help. What's your
name, sir? The name's Bob.

Bob. Hmm... Oh, he's having a think.

How about this.

What about having a 'B' tattooed
on each buttock.

Right.

So that when you bend over,
it spells Bob.

No, lads, it wouldn't work
because with me it would

actually spell Boob.

So, what did you do next?

Well, then we went to B&Q to check
out the lino and hardboard.

These are very flat things,

very, very, very, very, flat.

And how was that?

It was great, everything was
so freaking flat.

Erik had a fit when he saw them.

So, did you get nice presents?

I think my dozy father
has got her a present.

As long as it's something flat,
like a spatchcock chicken,

the flattest of all the poultry.

Yes, or like Vic Reeves' abs.

Oh, yes.

As long as it's nothing round.

What is it? A scribble,
do you like it?

That's the Bradford Butcher,
he's come round to kill me

for having a carnal afternoon
with his wife.

Well, quick, hide.
Bob, you've got to hide me!

Yeah, well, hide in the washing
machine. How?

Employ the Zimmerman procedure.

The Zimmerman procedure.
Bend down, Beef.

Bob, commence the procedure.

Fire.

Yes!

It's all right lads, it's only Bosh.
Sorry, love.

Bad news. What?

A copper's been asking about
the break-in at the Osbournes'

and he's got a description that
sounds exactly like us. It was us.

I can hear what you're saying, you
know, I can hear what you're saying.

This day is already turning
into shit on biscuits, isn't it?

Hey, someone's coming round
to murder Beef.

The coppers are coming to arrest you.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to hold a
birthday party for Erik's girlfriend.

Come on, get rid of this stuff.

No, not till Vic's finished my
tattoo, like, you twat.

Anyway, it'll be ages till
that copper comes here,
he's half a mile away,

which is hundreds of metres
in new length.

Yes, it's a fair way. Have you
already started the tattoo, like?

Yeah. Yeah, well go on, then.

But be by quickly. Will do.

Oh, forgot Beef's
still in the washing machine.

Unbelievable.

Sorry, Beef.

Unusual moment, there.

It would appear that Beef
has shrunk in the wash.

On reflection we should have used
a delicate cycle at the
very least, a light wool wash.

That's the end of this scene,
over to Julie's Bistro.

I must say you make
such a lovely couple,

not like me
and my first husband, Roger.

No, it was a disaster.

He was a dancer in the Royal Ballet
and every night he had

a terrible performance and he'd come
back and thrash me with his tights.

I was so sad, so depressed.

I wanted to take my own life.

That is terrible, Julie, but don't
worry I'm sure there will be

plenty more animals visiting
the watering hole.

Fingers crossed.

Bob. Bob, tongue.

Oh, thanks. Nice wrapping by the way.
Very nice wrapping.

Oh, thank you. Oh, Vic, I'm really
worried about what effect that
Botox is going to have on Julie.

Bob, don't worry. Botox, plastic
surgery, you're going

to look fine in the long
run, aren't you?

Remember what we looked like before
we had our NHS nose jobs?

Cheers. Cheers.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose, I suppose.

How's it going over there?

It's not going very well.
Let's have a look.

It's not working,
there's no ink coming out.

I wonder if it would work better
if you turned it on.

Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.

Well, it could be, it's just
a suggestion. I'll have a look.

Argh!

Oh, get back to the moon!

Don't panic, it's me, Beef.

It's the perfect disguise
to fool the Bradford Butcher.

I found this Michael Jackson mask
under the stairs.

You.

You.

You.

Me.

Him.

Him.

Him.

Him.

Whoa, whoa, Beef look what you've
done, you've broken the banister!

It won't be the first time.
And it won't be the last.

Get up, get your head up.
Come...take it.

Come here, get this mask off.

What? The Bradford Butcher.

Hide in my pocket, Beef. No, no, no.

Quick, Beef, sit on this chair.

Do as he tells you.
I'm going to get on his shoulders.

Bosh, hand me
that throw from the sofa.

It's not the Bradford Butcher,
it's a copper for you two.

Do something.

Bosh, hand me that biscuit tin
and that gaffer tape there.

Come on.

Be in stag bull procedure.
Are you ready?

Yes.

Oh, hello, officer, what a surprise.

Yes, just routine enquiries, sir,
I won't take up your time.

I can see you've got some
foreign visitors

Yeah.

Hello, officer.

I have just arrived from Persia.

Came on, upstairs on a Jumbo jet,
free sausages all the way, lovely.

Would you mind putting
that away, sir?

That's an offence,
not a greeting in this country.

Ten thousand apologies.

Your wish is my command.

And who are you?

Oh, officer, officer, that's er,
that's my cousin.

He's a Viet Cong, actually.

He's just come over to this country
to see if he can open
a greeting cards shop.

That's right, isn't it, cousin?

There you go.

He's got a striking resemblance to
Michael Jackson.
Yeah, he has, hasn't he, officer?

He has. So how can
I help you anyway, officer?

Well, there's been a theft
from the house over the road
by the laundrette.

Oh, dear. That singer from
Black Sabbath had all his
tattoo equipment stolen.

And he's really upset. Is he?

No, Ozzy.

No, you caught me.

I do a bit of stand-up
on the side, like.

They call me Bobby Helmet.
You should come and see me.

Yeah, we will, won't we, lads? Yeah.

Anyway, as well as the tattoo
equipment, there were some

chemicals belonging to his wife,
Sharon, that were also taken. Oh.

And we don't want them
falling into the wrong hands.

I'm asking everyone
to keep an eye out for them.

You disgusting pig.

Sorry you feel that way, sir.

OK, officer, of course we'll keep
our eyes peeled for the culprit.

Thank you so much for
informing us about it,

and good luck in finding them.

But you married again, Julie?

Oh, yes, that was also a disaster.

My second husband, Adrian,
I loved very much,

but he died at the altar.

Oh, whoops-a-daisy.

Yes, he was a big man

and he landed backwards
on the page boy

and killed him instantly
and it was awful.

He was also my nephew, very,
very sad indeed.

And, after the fall, your nephew,
how do I say this,

was he very flat?

Yes.

I say, Bob.

Hmm. Tongue.

Thank you, sorry about that.

Oh, yeah, I'm finished. I'm really
happy with the way that looks, like.

Really? Aye. Let's have a look at it
then, come on. How does it look?

Fantastic. Have a look, lads.

Come on let's have a look.
I can't wait.

What? Well, that head's a fair size.

Yeah, it's big.

Like the head's, you know, it's big,

but I suppose that's Clarkson,
isn't it? Go on, show Bosh.

Show Bosh, go on. Here.

Oh, Vic, I absolutely love it.

It's massive.

And it looks like he's peeping
over a wall,

which is how
I always like to imagine him.

Yeah, and if you put your thieving
gloves in... Yeah.

..it'll look like he's peeping
over a wall even more. Oh, yeah!

He's staring into Richard Hammond's
bedroom window.

Yeah, like we do!

Bob. What?

The Bradford Butcher.
No, it might be the copper.

It's not the copper. It's not the
copper, so it's the Bradford
Butcher. You've got to help me.

I'm going to move this sofa
round here...

..to these marks here.

Beef, you sit on the sofa.

Bosh, straddle him.

Hey, presto!

Exactly my sentiments, are you ready?
Yeah.

Oh, it's Erik.

Hey, Vic, who the hell is this
short guy with the massive hat?

Erik, it's all right, it's just Bosh

and Beef enjoying a little
bit of adult fun.

Come on. Get up, Beef,
it's just Erik.

Winkle, winkle, little tinkle.

We should leave for Monaco
immediately.

Hey, you. Hey, asshole,
that's my girlfriend.

Yeah, all right, you two.
Leave it out, Beef.

This is what got you
into trouble in the first place.

You three, could you get
out into the kitchen please,

I want to give Rachel her present.
Thank you. Go on, off you go.

Go on!

Welcome to my home.

Rachel, if you'd like to take
a seat on the sofa.

OK, here goes, then,
here's your present.

♪ Happy birthday to you-oooo!

♪ Happy birthday

♪ Dear Rach-ellll

♪ Happy birth-daaaaay to you. ♪

You open it now, Rachel.
I hope you like it.

Urgh, urgh, urgh!

What? It's so round!

What's the matter? Do something!

You insensitive bastard father.

What are you doing, Erik?
What are you doing?

Don't you know that her father
was killed by a beach ball.

Ever since then she likes to be
surrounded by flat things.

- I didn't know that.
- Oh, hello Research!

I mean, Erik... I mean, it's pretty
flat now, isn't it?

Oh, fuck off!

Come on, Rachel,
let's go upstairs and get flat.

I don't know why I bother.

You lot, you lot, come through
from the kitchen, please.

Why? Well, just come through,
please.

No, no, no. Why?

I'd just like you to come through
into the lounge, please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Say why?

Right, I need you to come through.

No, no, no, no, no! You
misunderstand. Just say why. Why?

I need you to come through
so I can move the story on.

Are you happy now? Yeah.

Right, well... Yeah, Beef, get out.

You've just told me to come in.
Yeah, I told you to come in
so I can tell you to get out.

Go on. And you two clean up
that nicked stuff

and get it out of the house, go on.
Do it now!

Is that you, Julie?

Hi, guys. So, what do you think?

I look younger, don't I?

Who do you think I look like?

So, Julie, who were you hoping
to look like?

Sharon Osbourne.

Ah, well. Of course, yes.

Oh, Mrs Osbourne.
Hello, officer.

Ah, yes, officer, Mrs Osbourne came
round to collect this stolen

equipment that I retrieved
from a very naughty um...

..horse.

Well, I'm glad to hear that
storyline resolved itself.

Evening, folks!

I'm Alan Hargreaves!

The Butcher of Bradford!

I'm looking for Beef.

Well, you would be,
you're a butcher.

Right.

Which one of you's Beef?

I am Beef.

I am Beef.

I am Beef.

I am not Beef.

Right, so it's you.

Don't hurt me,
I'm Elton John's bit on the side.

I believe you.

You've also been having a bit of
dalliance with my mother.

Your mother?

Yeah.

And you know what? I am absolutely
thrilled to bits for her.

I mean, at her age and her
condition, you know,
she doesn't get many takers.

Did you know it's her
birthday today? No.

Could you give her this telegram?

It's from the Queen.

Make sure she gets it, stepfather!

Telegram from the Queen?
100th birthday.

His mother! Beef.

Well, you've got to get it
where you can.

♪ Oh, didn't we have a lovely day
The day I became an Osbourne

♪ So what happens next?
Ping, ping, hey, hey!

♪ We smoke a pipe with
Jeremy Clarkson... ♪