All language subtitles for House.Of.Fools.S02E01.The.Erik.Affair.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor.en

♪ Today's the day of the blind date
I've arranged for my son Erik

♪ He's never been on a date before
But with our advice

♪ He's bound to score. ♪

Oh, we've had such good fun,
such fun.

Good times, indeed. Right,
we'd better crack on. Right, yes.

You put the cups away, I'll put
the plates away, all right?

All right, OK.

Right, Vic, that was fun but I think
it's time we got Erik down

and had that little chat with him.

Sorry, sweetheart,
what were we saying?

Yeah, I think it's about time now
that we got Erik down and gave him...

Sorry, what was that?

No, I said, let's get Erik down
and give him that little chat,

you know, about the facts of life,
you know, the birds and the biscuits.

The sex talk. The sex talk.

The sex talk. Follow me.

Erik! Erik!

Erik! Erik!

Erik! Erik! Erik! Erik!

Father, Father. Erik! Erik!

Vic. Erik! Erik! Vic, Father.

Erik! Erik! Vic. Erik!

Father, I'm over here.
Yeah, he's over there.

Erik! Vic! Erik! Vic! Erik!

Where is Vic? He's there.
Erik!

It's all right.
Right, there you are, Erik...

..sat there anticipating
a conversation...

with your father.

But what is this all about,
Father?

Well...

myself and your mother,
I mean, Vic...

..we've kind of noticed that,
you know,

you're 23 years old now and, oh...

Come on, come on.

You're going through some changes.

You know, at night-time
or in the morning,

you might be experiencing
the occasional longy...

Longings. Longings.

Longings. Longings.

What your father's trying to say
is that, you know, you might,

ooh... wake up in the morning
with... you know, some...

Some special, you know,
some urges and notions.

Urges, notions.

Urges. And maybe even a raised
eyebrow if perhaps you see...

..Lorraine Kelly's cleavage as she
bends over to sniff a risotto but...

The thing is, Erik, is, like, you
need to meet a woman, right?

So we've arranged a blind date
for you, tonight, in Julie's Bistro.

Ooh, woohoo, ooh, oh-oooh.

Oh, oh, whoo, oooh-oh-oh, yeah.

Wo-ho-ho-ho. Yaaay!

Ooh, ooh. Whoo.

Whoo. Whey.

No, I'm not going.

Who is this blind woman anyways?

Erik, it's not a blind woman,
it's a blind date,

it's someone Beef found on
the internet who'll probably be nice.

Beef. That's a terrible idea,
I will never do it.

I think you should go.

Yes, you're so right, Vic.

Hey, Vic, what do you think
I should wear?

Look, I'll sort you out the most
fantastic outfit for your date,

beautiful! And in the meantime,

I've written down some conversation
starters on these cards,

some chat-up lines, there you are.

Oh, great, Vic, I will go
and learn my lines now.

Yeah, good.

I say, Erik,
when you're going on a date,

a joke can be, like, a really good
icebreaker, you know,

and I know some really good
knock, knock ones,

so would you like to try one?
Yeah, go on, then. OK.

Knock, knock.

No, I don't get it.

Knock, knock.
Who's there? Who's there?

It's Julie, can't you see me?

Oh, my God, you've gone blind.

What fun, why not me too?

Ooh, let's play blind man's buff

but the version where my
Barnaby gets the buffing.

You're not blind at all, you're
just pulling the bell on my leg.

Julie, you haven't got a leg bell.

Oh, haven't I?

It's inside the leg, Bob.

So you haven't forgotten that your
band is playing downstairs tonight

at the Bistro to celebrate
the opening week?

Yeah, Beef will be round any minute
now for our final rehearsal, Julie.

Good, well, you're on at seven
so get there for eight sharp.

It's inside, Bob.

Hey, Vic. Oh!

Have you got my outfit?
Oh. Ohh.

Erik, cover yourself up, man, ooh.

Erik, look, I promise I'll sort
you out an outfit a bit later on,

just go back upstairs
and learn your chat-up lines.

Hey, Erik, Erik, Erik, you know
we did the knock knock thing earlier

and it didn't really land, yeah?

It's because you're meant to say,
"Who's there?"

So could we try that, then?

Yeah, go on, then. OK, knock, knock.

Who is there? Godfrey.

No, I still don't get it.

Well, Beef will be round
in a minute, Vic,

so it's time that we sorted out
a name for our band.

No need, Bob,
we're using my band name.

What, your name, that's the first
I've heard of it, what is it?

It's powerful, it's in your face,

it's got everything you could
possibly need in a band.

All right, and what is it?

Erotic Diagram.
Erotic Diagram?!

Who are you trying to attract?
Sexualised draughtsmen or something?

Well, you got a better idea,
have you?

Yeah, I've got a better idea, Vic,
I'm bringing it towards you now.

Yeah, what is it?
We shall be called...

The Plumps.

The Plumps?! Plumps. Yeah.

The Plumps?! We're not playing at
a fat kids' roller disco, you know.

I know that.

Hey, but if it was The Plump
And The Hunk, that might work.

The Plumps.

It's Erotic Diagram.
The Plumps.

Erotic Diagram.

It's The Plumps.

Erotic Diagram.

It's The Plumps.

♪ It won't surprise you
But my synthesizer

♪ Is powered with a single walnut

♪ When I turn it up loud
The girls gather round

♪ And when I pull this lever
My trousers fall down

♪ Whoa! ♪

♪ When I pull this lever
My trousers fall down

♪ Whoa! ♪

Damn this lever. Now my trousers
will never fall down.

Music - the opiate of the insane
and unhinged.

The most sonic of all the dark arts.

And the most useful gift
the good Lord has ever given us...

apart from money.

All right, Beef,
I like your bandana.

You do, don't you?

Yeah.

Here's a teaser for you both,
what colour is it?

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

Not you, tomtit, the magician.

Blue. It is blue. Yeah, I knew that.

Do you know why it's blue?

Because it's made
out of blue fabric.

Ah, blue fabric.

Shall we rehearse?

Well, we need to decide
on a band name first.

Already done and dusted.

Beef And Onions.

Oh, what, and we're
the onions, are we?

I'm not an onion,
I am an Erotic Diagram.

No, you're not, you're a Plump. I'm
an Erotic Diagram. No you're not...

Anyway, to be honest, Beef,
it's nothing to do with you

because you're just
a session musician.

A session musician, really? Ha!

Well, would a session musician
be able to do this?

Ha-ha! It worked, success!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hang on there, Beef. Hang on, whoa.

Us three are a soul duo,
not Greek fantasists.

Do you not remember Tits Mackenzie's
wedding? We did Three Times A Lady.

Four times. No, three times.

No, we sang it four times.

Yeah, I do,
that was a hell of a night.

What was that number
you chaps did as an encore?

Reunited, by Peaches And Herb.

Yeah, it was a fantastic
performance, wasn't it, Vic?

Tell me something,
why was he called Tits, again?

Do you not remember after
his wedding when he came back here?

Titty, very titty.

All right, if you've rejected
Beef And Onions,

what's your idea for a band name?

Erotic Diagram.
No, Beef, no, it's The Plumps.

It's Erotic Diagram, look,
I've even done a poster.

Oh, he's done a poster, look at it.

Yeah, well, I've done a poster
for The Plumps too.

Bosh, darling, we've been open
for almost a week now.

Yes, Julie, I know and I'd just
like to say, on behalf of meself

and the rest of the cast,
good luck with your new bistro

for the duration
of the series... you twat.

Thank you, Bosh. Now, we've been
open for almost a week now

and I've had a couple of complaints
about your waitressing.

Now, so I think we ought to have
a little training sesh.

I'm going to be the customer
and you're going to be the waiter.

Waiter!

Bosh, the waiter,
approaches the customer

with a certain charm and confidence.

Oh, yes, he does.

Before he politely enquires...

What?

Lovely, OK, so this customer's very
starving, what do you recommend?

Well, there's a really good Turkish
restaurant a couple of doors down

that I recommend.

Apparently, the pitta bread
in there is to die for.

Yes, but darling, I'm eating here.
Oh. Now, could I get a drink?

Yes, of course you can get a drink,
they're just over there,

go and help yourself.

No, I'm asking you
to get me a drink.

Oh, right, yeah, of course.

Here, Julie, I've just been
in the lavvies

and we're fresh out
of tickly johnnies.

I thought you, of all people,
would want to know that.

Right, drink.

Oh, dear, he's going to have to go.

Hold on, sold out of tickly johnnies
in a week, who buys these things?

Right, we're going to do
my song first, lads.

No. What's it about?

Well, it's about two lovers,
well, potential lovers.

What, like you and Julie?

Anyway, it's a story of these two
lovers and the potential turmoil

and the beauty that surrounds
these special moments.

You know what, that sounds all right.
What's it called, Vic?

Sausage and mash.

Sausage and mash?! Sausage and mash.

Right, here's the words
and here's the music.

Go on, it's in C, go. C.

Two, three, four.

♪ Baby

♪ You are the cream cheese
of my life

♪ The York ham and the chips

♪ But where is the crab paste?
Ah, ah

♪ Sausage and the mash

♪ The sausage and the mash... ♪

This is awful!

I thought it was pretty good.
What?

I'm off. What, we're not even
going to hear mine then?

No, we're not, no, I have a pressing
engagement, quite literally,

at Mr Woo's Chinese Laundry,
in Limehouse,

established in 1888 or thereabouts.

What, so that's it then,
we're doing your shitty song, are we?

Well, it looks like it, doesn't it?

Oh, look at you, you're pleased
as punch, aren't you? Yeah.

Yeah, well, here's some bad news for
you, Vic, I've just quit the band.

I've quit the band, I don't want to
have anything to do with you, Vic.

I'm going through there,
I don't want to see ya,

I don't want to hear from ya, I
don't want you to get upwind from me.

We are... finished.

Well, it's fine by me.

Doesn't bother me
if I never speak to you again.

End of scene.

I hate you. I hate you!

I wish I was the first
Mrs de Winter.

Go away, you brute.

What do you want from me, you beast?

Vic, are you in there, Vic?

Erik? Yeah, it's me.

Come in, Erik.

Oh!

Cover yourself up.

So, Vic, have you got my outfit for
my date with this so-called woman?

I promise you, Erik,
I'll sort you out in due course,

I'm just in the middle of
a terrible row with your father.

Do you want me to chin him?

No, it's all right, Erik, just go
off and practise your chat up lines.

OK, dude.

Right, you're going to be
the customer this time.

I'm going to show you how it's done.

Now, all customers like to be asked
personal questions -

how old are you?
How much money do you earn?

Have you ever thought about
getting that fixed?

Point to the relevant area
with pencil.

Now, what do you do
if a customer's very fat?

Oh, you ask them
how they got like that, Julie.

Very good, and?

You ask them if they would like
to use the plate or the trough.

No. Come on, think.

You ask if they would like
to see the slimmers' menu.

No, no, no.
The fatties eat like horses.

You offer the extended menu with
the heavy pudding options.

Oh.

Oh, look, here comes a big old
fatty. Practise on him.

Hello, Bosh.

First of all, may I enquire
how on earth did you get like that?

Have you ever thought about
getting that fixed?

Points to pertinent area
with pencil.

Would you like to use
your plate or your trough?

And here is a menu with
extended pudding options.

I'll be back in a minute
with a can of pears.

Yeah, it's canapes.

No, it's a can of pears,
you fussy twat.

OK. Hi, Julie.

Hi, Bobby. Hi, Julie,
I'm glad I caught you actually

because unfortunately
I've got some really bad news.

What?

I'm afraid Vic isn't going to be
able to perform tonight.

Why ever not?

He's swallowed a golf ball, Julie,
and it got... it went...

..right deep into his throat
so he can't speak, you know,

let alone, like, sing lyrics.

Well, how did that happen?

Well, I don't know, Julie,
he can't speak, can he?

That's really awful,
isn't it, Julie? Yes.

But what I reckon is, I'll probably
have to do the show tonight solo.

I'm a bit like Ted Sheeran,
you know what I mean?

But I've got a much,
much bigger guitar

and a lot better teeth, actually.

So if that's OK with you,
I'll do it solo tonight.

Oh, look, I'm so excited
I can't bear it. So excited.

OK, well, if you could chalk it up,
it's The Plump, just singular, yeah?

The Plump, and I'll see you later.
Thank you very much, Julie.

Oh, I can't bear it. Thank you.

Julie, this just arrived. I think
it's come from Bob's consultant

at the hospital. I'm really worried.

Could you open it and read it for
me, I don't know if I could bear it?

Oh, yes, of course, more fun.

I hope it's not bad news.

Me too.

Come in?

What does it say, Julie?

"Dear Bob, I am your consultant
from the clinic near the Jet Garage.

"It's dead sad but
I've got some shit news for you.

"It seems you have contracted..."
What does that say?

Jango-jango disease.

"..Jango-jango disease.
The most important thing is that you

"must not, I repeat,
must not do any music concerts,

"eg the one that is happening
at Julie's Bistro tonight."

Oh!

"Love, Dr Fingerbottom."

Isn't that awful news?

Hey, but don't worry, Julie,
I'll do it tonight solo, on my own.

What happened to the golf ball?

What?

Bob said you had a golf ball
in the back of your throat

and you won't be able
to perform tonight.

Ah, he did, did he? Oh, I get it,
yeah, right, yeah, well...

I swallowed it.

Then I sat on a hot flannel
till it popped out.

So I'll just do it on my own
tonight, Julie, if you don't mind.

Don't think I don't know
what you're both up to.

I insist you either play together
tonight or not at all.

And I want you to kiss
and make up immediately.

And also film it for me.

♪ Baby, you are the cream cheese,
hey. ♪

Right, Julie says we have to do
the gig together or not...

What's all this here, then?

Yeah, it's an electric fence.
This is my part, that's your part.

Keep out, private party.

Oh, I get it. Right.

All right, I'm going to go over here
on this super-soft sofa

and munch gently on
my crispy Henderson's.

They're my crispy Henderson's.

Right, oh, what's this on the TV?

It's Bob's favourite programme
with Gino D'Acampo.

I think I'll watch it
with the sound down.

Excuse me, excuse me.
I'm sorry, I don't know your name.

Oh, what's that, I'm sure
I heard something really boring,

like something dying
in a nearby meadow.

There, ha-ha!

What are you doing? No, no!

You...

Prepare for the end of days.

'If he gets the angle right,

'there's a chance this one
could slip right in.

'But it looks like he might have
to wipe that one on the cushion.

'Oh, he's come in off the pink there
and slid into the brown.

'And he's calling for a rest
here now.'

I'll have a slice of that action.

'Oh, he's touched the brown
with the tip of his cue.'

Hey, Vic, have you got my outfit?

Ah! Erik! Cover thine self, please.

Ugh! Gerard Depardieu.

Beef, it's Erik.

Erik, look, I'm really sorry,
I'll get your outfit sorted out

as soon as I can.

As you can see,
I'm rather busy at the moment.

OK, dude. Come on.

Cease this conflict!

Are we doing this gig, then?

No.

Well, I'd better go and tell Julie.

What are you doing?

Go on, you get out as well.

Go on.

Get out of here.

I just want this to stop now.

So they've had a terrible fall out?

Yes.

So they won't be performing tonight?

No.

It's such a shame,
they sing so beautifully together.

Is there nothing you can do?

I might have something up my sleeve.

Vic?

Oh, Erik, I totally forgot.
I'm really sorry.

It's OK, Vic,
don't be so hard on yourself.

You are my date.
Yes, I am your date.

I like your style.
I like your style also.

Do you drive an economical vehicle?

Yes, it can achieve over 50mpg if
driven at a constant speed of 57mph.

I like your hair.

Have you got nice hair?
Yes. I use a hairdryer.

And a brush.

Very clever.

Knock, knock.

A very good joke to hear.

Thank you. I wrote it in my room
myself, while I was alone.

Hello, now would you like your
conversation still or sparkling?

Sparkling, please.

Certainly, sir.

There you go, you can stick
your teeth in there

a little bit later on because
the soup is well claggy like.

You-u-u-u little twat.

I live with my father.
He's an awful sort.

That's him over there. Ugh, ugh.

Wow, what a drip.

My father is also an arsehole
but he has a lovely friend

who I really admire.

Yeah, my father has a really cool
friend also. That's him over there.

Wow, he looks like
a magnificent bison.

Do you like animals?
Yes, I love animals.

Look.

A proboscis monkey.

It is gorgeous.

All right, it's about time we kicked
off tonight's entertainment.

As you can see it's just Beef
and no onions.

With a room this size
you can't get too savoury. Ha!

Yes, I'd like to start with a song
that means a hell of a lot to me

and also a lot to my two good
friends who are also sat here.

We first performed this number
at Tits Mackenzie's wedding

and it goes a little like this.

♪ I was a fool to ever
leave your side

♪ Me minus you
is such a lonely ride

♪ The break-up we had
has made me lonesome and sad

♪ I realise I love you
cos I want you back

♪ Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah

♪ Reunited it feels so good

♪ Reunited
Cos we understood

♪ There's one perfect fit

♪ And, sugar, this one is it

♪ We both are so excited
cos we're reunited, yeah, yeah

♪ Reunited and it feels so good

♪ Reunited cos we understood

♪ There's one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it

♪ We both are so excited
cos we're reunited, hey, hey

♪ Reunited and it feels so good

♪ Reunited cos we understood

♪ There's one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it

♪ We both are so excited
cos we're reunited, hey, hey

♪ Reunited and it feels so good

♪ Reunited and it feels so good

♪ Reunited cos we understood

♪ There's one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it

♪ We both are so excited
cos we're reunited, yeah, yeah. ♪