All language subtitles for Hangdog.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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Big shins.

Guess I'm gonna have
to grow my hair out.

What?

I said I guess I'm gonna have
to grow my hair out.

Okay.

Seriously, every other guy
tonight had long hair

and they all had jobs
from the Middle Ages.

Matt the carpenter.
Cosmo the cheesemonger.

Sarah's husband owns
a mead brewery.

Love, mead. Like in Robin Hood.

Those are all real jobs
that still exist.

You didn't tell them
you're launching
an app, did you?

You know I did.
You were standing right next to me.

Jesus Christ. One day
they'll burn you at the stake

for that black magic.

Kill the witch.

Kill the witch!

Go to sleep!

- Ow!
- Oh!

God, I'm sorry!

Are you o-- God, is it bleeding?

I don't know, is it?

- No.
- Okay.

Look, can you please
go back to sleep?

-I have so much to do tomorrow.
-I'm sorry.

I was just... you know,
thinking out loud.

Well, think out loud
inside your head.

Silently.

- Love you.
- Love you.

Don't worry baby, go to sleep.

I'm, I'm trying.

I was talking to Tony.

Of course.

Hey, uh, friendly reminder,
super quick,

uh, that you said
we would train Tony

to sleep in his own bed
after the move.

I changed my mind.

-Walt.
-So, this is permanent.

We have a...
a literal cock-block between us until he croaks.

Hey, don't talk
about him croaking.

You're gonna live
a really long life,
aren't you, Baby?

He's not a baby. They said
he's at least three or four.

I don't care, he's my baby.

How can you not wanna swallow
this little face

and melt him into your body?

You're sick.

Hey, turn out the dang light
and let's go to sleep.

You wanna go to the car
and have sex real quick?

- Uh, not even a little.
- Wow.

Oh, my God.

- Hey, Walt.
- Yeah?

- Do you love me?
- Yeah.

Do you love me forever?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Walter Rossi, will you marry me?

Wha-- what?

Will you marry me?

Why are you covering yourself?

Uh, I jus-- I just, um,
I-- I feel horrible.

Okay. This is
what I was worried about.

-Yo-- you ambushed me.
-No. I'm sorry.

I just figured--

What?

-Nothing.
-No. What? What?

That if it were, um,
if it were left up to me,

-it would never happen?
-No.

Although it has been over a year
since we talked about it.

Look, I just figured
that if I did it,

it would be
one less thing on your plate.

One less thing
on my plate. Jesus Christ,

why do you make it sound
like you're offering

-to pick up my dry cleaning?
-Okay.

I mean, this,
this isn't just some errand

you check off of your list.

It, it, it--
it needs to feel right.

-You're right.
I didn't mean it like that.
-It needs to be right.

I don't think it's an errand,
but it j-- doesn't have
to be this, like,

heavy, monumental
undertaking either.

There's no suspense.
It's something we both want.

Right?

Can we just talk
about this later

when I'm not so, like,

soaking wet and sudsy, please?

-Okay.
-Please.

I need you
to not freak out, though.

Okay.

Oh, fuck me.

Poor dear.

Why are you so mad
at the ground?

I, I thought I'd try
to clean this up, but...

...I have no idea
what I'm doing.

You kind of look
like a sexy mime.

Yeah, just like that.
I like it silent.

Are you sure you're gonna be
okay while I'm gone?

It's your first time
alone with Tony.

Wendy, it's three days.

I can handle the damn dog.

It's not like I have
anything else to do.

That's not true.
You could unpack
some of your boxes.

Can I just throw them away?
I don't even remember
what's in them.

Walt, please.

You know my brain,
just help me out.

We'll see.

-We'll see?
-Mm-hmm. We'll see.

We'll see.

If those boxes are still here
when I get back,

-it's gonna be a homicide.
-Mm-hmm.

And it'll be
worth the jail time.

Yes!

-Hi.
-Hi.

I love his little walk.
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.

It's definitely a walk.

Now, remember,
we look both ways.

Good job! All right.

...this one?

Who's this one?
Oh, can he have a treat?

- Poppy, Poppy! Sit down.
- Ooh!

Oh, my God.

Not bad
for our new backyard, huh?

I could do
without the accordion.

-It's so surreal to be back.
-Is it?

You always said
you wanted to move back.

Yeah, but I was
imagining, like,

ten years down the line
or something.

My company is super successful,

and we could have
a farmhouse by the water.

And have dogs and chickens
and an art studio for you
over the garage.

But it's good.
I'm glad I'm here for my dad.

And I'm glad you're with me.

"Dogs," plural, huh?

Oh, yeah. At least four.

Hey.

- Are you getting nervous
about the competition?
- Yeah, a little.

Hmm, I haven't worked out
all the kinks in my pitch yet.

There are no kinks.
Your pitch is great.

I would give you
all my money if I had any.

But seriously,

you did it.

You knew exactly
what you wanted.

You went for it,
and you built it, Wendy,

an entire fucking company.

I'm, like--

I'm insanely proud of you.

Thanks, lovey.
I'm proud of you too.

Come on!
You h-- you don't have to say that just because I said it.

I'm saying it
'cause I mean it, you dingus.

-Okay.
-Changing careers is
a brave move,

and I know
that it hasn't paid off yet,

but I'm excited for you!

You can explore any interest.

Well, you know, on that note,

I, um,
I actually have a job interview

-this afternoon. Yeah!
-You do? Where?

That, uh, place
that your cousin manages.

-Your, your uncle
set it up. Yeah.
-The mussel farm?

That's actually
a super cool company.

And you probably
look sexy in oilers.

I don't know, it's like
this low level factory job

-that barely pays
above minimum wage.
-I'm sure that's just

a starting point
so you can learn the process.

-It's not really
in your wheelhouse.
-Well,

how fucking hard can it be?
They're mussels.

They're immobile
and they have no brain!

Why are you applying
for the job if you have

-so much disdain for it?
-Because I need to work,

and this is the first lead
that I've had.

It hasn't even been a month.

What happened
to those graphic design classes?

All of that shit
costs money, Wendy!

-I am happy to cover us
if that's...
-I'm not happy

-with you covering me for that.
-...what you're worried about.

Oh, my God, Wendy!

-Liv? Oh, my God. What?
-Hi!

Walt, this is Liv!
We went to high school together.

Hi, it's nice
to meet you! What--

I thought we lost you
to Silicon Valley forever.

-I know.
-And this app, it's huge.

-Congratulations!
It's so exciting!
-Oh, thank you!

- Sustainable marketplace?
Like, sign me up tomorrow.
-Yeah.

Literally. I feel
like everybody is doing

- all these big things.
It's kind of crazy.
-I know.

Okay!
I'll see you in three days,

my little angel
of love.

Take good care
of Daddy, okay?

You got everything you need?
Power suit, contact lenses?

Something of mine to burn,
an effigy.

Hey, can we just erase
that whiny idiot and,

um, go back
to the me that's, like,

really, really proud
and excited for you?

I just want you
to be happy here.

I know.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Okay. Bye!

Oh, Tony. Tony, no, no, oh--

- Ton-- Tony, no, T--
- Oh, sweetie! Oh!

Over here. Over here.

Wish me luck.

You don't need it.

You have brains and talent.

And a nice butt.

Thank you.

Hey. Who loves you
more than I do?

Tony.

Bye, guys!

I forgot to buy his food!

I'm on it. Just call me
when you get to New York.

I'm shitting!

Shit.

Stupid.

What?

Oh, crap.

Oh, crap. Ah!

Ten years at Webber and Ross.

Yeah, it's an ad agency.

Oh! You make anything
I might've seen?

Nope. I was just the bookkeeper.

So you're good with numbers?

Yeah. Too good.

That's why I left, actually.

It, uh...

...turns out that working
next to the thing

you really wanna do is worse
than never doing it at all.

What did you wanna do?

Art direction, design stuff.

Hmm. Okay.

So why are you here, Walt?

What about this job
speaks to you?

I, I, I, I feel like
I'm supposed to say, "Mussels!"

Well, you're not supposed
to say anything.

Okay. Well, to be blunt--

-Can I be blunt?
-You-- please be blunt.

It was your father saying
there was a job here.

- I actually
don't even like mussels.
- Okay.

I appreciate your honesty. I do.

Um...

...let's try this.

Throw that on. Um,

trust me, it gets
super wet in there, so--

So this here is today's haul.

These guys do
the super important work

of weeding out the duds!

That there is Garrett,
fourth generation seaman.

You got Eden,
sixth generation seaman.

Dora in the back there.

Basically found us
on a YouTube video,

begged us for an internship.
And we got Thor here,

who's leading
our sustainability mission.

- Let's go, Thor! Whoo!
- Whoo!

You kind of catching
my drift here, Walt?

Yeah.

-All right.
-Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

Well, I'll walk you out.

Okay, okay, I know. I, I know.

I-- My God.
Just gives-- give me--

just, like, give me a sec,
dude, okay? Please.

All right, all right,
all right.

- Oh, okay, okay.
- Oh, chill out, man.

This way.
You know how to go home.

Come on, let's go home.
This way.

Stay.

Hey. Hey.

Don't tell your mom, okay?

Okay.

Oh!

...breaking the weed apart,
like, on my--

it was, like--
and I got it all-- it was like,

it was like-- you know what
I mean? Like Triscuits in bed.

It was just like that.
It was just-- Yeah,
it was super crummy.

So I was, like, shaking it out,
like a, like a, like a sheet.

- Hey, man, what's up?
- Hey, man.

- What can we do for you tonight?
- I'm-- I'm,

I'm looking for something for,
like, for anx-- anxiety.

Yes. Yeah. Welcome.

Wel-- uh, what kind
of anxiety do you have?

Is it, like, OCD or,
uh, perhaps social?

Well, it--
it's like the, the kind
of anxiety where, like,

I wanna, like,
claw myself out of my skin,

but also sleep for, like,
three years.

Okay, so probably a hybrid
is what you're after.

Um, that's
gonna give you this nice

sort of sativa head high,

but also...
mellow out your bones,

you know, just like
a nice indica, full body effect.

-Mm. Okay.
-Smell this.

It's called Kelin's Hat.
It's delicious.

Great. I have no idea
what any of that means,

-but I will take it.
-Yeah. It's good--

-it's good stuff. Yeah.
-Perfect.

All my big city transplants,
they swear by this, so--

But n-- no judgment. Like--

Sorry.
People from away just, like,

have, like, a certain,
uh... energy.

Do, uh,
do Mainers not get anxious?

Um, we're like a pretty
even keeled group of people.

- Oh. Lucky you.
- Yeah. Well,
you're all set, man.

Did you guys, like, move here
for the change of pace or--

Uh, no. My girlfriend's dad
had a heart attack.

Shit. Um, okay.
Well, I hope the joint helps...

-Yeah, me too.
-...and, uh, if it doesn't,
you can come back,

we're gonna have
more recommendations for you.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming in!

He'll be back.

Oh, shit.

Tony.

Oh, shit. Ton--

Tony? Tony?

Tony! Tony!

Tony! Tony! Come here, boy!

Come here, boy!

Come here! Hey! Uh,
have you guys seen my dog?

Hey-- Come on, hav--

Tony!

Tony! Tony!

Tony! Hey, miss!
Miss, excuse me.

Hold on. Hold on. Tony! Tony!

Tony!

I-- I, I n-- I need
to see your security cam
footage, please.

-What?
-Yeah. Someone--
someone took my dog, man.

- They took my dog.
- Oh, shit.

Yeah. Yeah, man. Oh, shit!
Yeah. Oh, shit!

I tied him up
to that fucking pole

- right out there, and he's gone.
- Huh.

Yeah. No, man, I,
I wouldn't do that.

There have been, like,
a ton of robberies
and stolen shit.

You have a security camera
outside, right?

- Uh, no, actually.
- Can I just see?

-Fuck. Yeah, that camera is not
recording anything, man...
-Oh, my God.

...we sort of just set it up
like a, like a decoy.

It didn't fucking work,
though, did it?

- Did it w--
- I guess not.

I gotta call 911, right?

I have to call 911.
She's gonna--

I don't think
you should call 911.

This doesn't really qualify
as an emergency.

It is a fucking emergency.

It's the gravest
fucking emergency

that I've ever had to deal with

in my entire fucking life!

- Okay?
- Okay. Yeah.

Uh. Uh, police station
is right down the way. Just--

What?

I came right back out,
and he was gone.

They di-- they, they didn't take
the, uh, the, the leash, though.

They just--
Excuse me, gentlemen. Sorry.
Don't mean to bother you.

Have you guys seen, like,
a grayish, whitish, blackish,

uh, cute little dog
just running around?

Her, her baby...
is, is missing.

And if I don't
get him back, I'm--

So, I, I, I just need help.

-My name's Walt.
-Okay.

-Walt. Walt.
-Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Sorry
about your dog, by the way.

-Thanks, man.
-Sorry.

-Hey.
-Hey, hotshot!

-Hey.
-Sorry I'm calling so late.

There was a mandatory happy hour
when I got here.

Wow, you know,
I didn't even realize
how late it was.

I guess, uh,
you know, time flies
when you're having fun, right?

Oh, you're having fun
without me?

No, I don't, I-- I don't know
why I said that, actually.

How was, um, how was,
how was the drive?

Uh, fine.
Listened to a murder podcast.

Spoiler alert, she got murdered.

-
-Very sad.

Anyway, how was day one
of father-son bonding?

Hello? Walt?

Uh, yeah. Yeah,
it w-- it was good.

You wanna elaborate?

Like, really,
really good, actually.

It was great. Okay.

Did you remember
to buy his food?

Yep, yep. All,
um, all done and fed.

Thanks for taking care
of our baby boy.

I'm so glad he's in good hands.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
How was your interview?

Oh, you know what, it...

...looks like I'm not gonna be
a sexy mussel farmer after all.

Shit. Well, you're gonna find
something better.

I know it.

Actually,
maybe it's a good thing
that you won't be working there,

'cause I could eat, like,
five pounds of those things.

Walt.

- Yeah?
-We'll figure it out.

So, any big plans for tomorrow?

Uh, well, um--

If you see him, can you
just give my number a call?

-Yeah, yeah!
-Right there.

Hey, look at this. "Walt."

- "Walt. Call Walt."
- "Call Walt."

"Call Walt."

-Tony's cute.
-Yeah.

Maybe we'll find him.

-Yeah, we can keep him.
-Oh, my God, a dorm dog.

♪ Come on, follow ♪

♪ Down to the hollow ♪

♪ And there we shall wallow ♪

and only 10% are ever reunited
with their owners.

We asked a dognapper

what he suggests
for theft prevention.

Oh, what a waste of time.

Excuse me?

"Lost time
is never found again."

Benjamin Franklin.

Of course, I don't think
he was talking about the herb.

You had a great,
mature bush there,

and you destroyed it,
you chucklehead.

Oh, what-- the thyme, the herb.
Shit, is that what that was?

I, um, I thought
it was just weeds.

You thought
you were killing weeds,

but you were killing thyme.

And now you're out of thyme.

Yeah, I, uh, guess I am.

Well, Jesus Christ,
you don't have to look so glum!

It'll grow back
if you just stop hacking at it.

I'm Marianne, by the way.
Not that you asked.

Walt. I'm, I'm, I'm,
I'm Walt.

Shouldn't you be inside
unpacking boxes

like your life is on the line?

She's a spitfire, that one.
I like her.

I guess, uh, our private
backyard isn't very private.

Ears like a dog.

Speaking of,
where is that cute pup?

Oh, God, there's that face!

You look
like you ordered the pie

and they served you
a hot buttered turd.

What happened?

I, um, I, I, I, um--

well, he, he, he was--

- I--
- Oh, hang on, hang on.

-Is this a long story?
-Kind of.

Because I really don't wanna get
a crick in my neck.

Why don't you come up,
have a beer?

Oh, no. Uh, no, no, no, thanks.

Uh, actually, I should--
I-- I should get back inside

-and unpack those boxes.
-Oh, blah, blah, blah.

Spare me the excuses.

You're home alone.
You got nothing better to do.

Yeah? Get up here.

And, uh...
you haven't told her why?

She's at, like, the most
important meeting of her life.

It's make or break. I,
I can't. I, I can't tell her.

Sounds like you're screwed.

-When's she back?
-Two days.

I have to find Tony,
it's the only option.

- Did you go to the cops?
- Yeah.

They didn't seem to give a shit.

Well, what about fliers?

I had a friend
who got her cat back that way.

I can't believe
they offered a reward.

Ugly little thing.

Mm! My favorite color.

Oh! Good start. Nice lettering.

-Thanks.
-Reward is a tad low.

Really?

No, no, really? Uh, how mu--
how much should I have offered?

How much
is your relationship worth?

Hello.

Oh, I'm s-- I'm,
I'm sorry, can't hear you.
Can you say that again?

Yeah. Yes, that's, that's right.

Well, why, why can't you
just tell me over the phone?

Oh, no! No, no, no! No.
No, no, no. I'm-- I'm--
okay, okay, okay.

I, uh, I can make that.
I can make that work.

Thank you. Thank you.

See you soon.

Fuck.

Uh, David?
David?

Hey! Can I help you?

-Yeah, I'm Walt.
-Yes! Yes! Come on, come on.
Come aboard, Walt.

Oh, no, no. You can just--
you can tell me from there.

Buddy, you, you worried
that I called you out here

just so I can cut you up
and use you for bait?

Shit-- oh.

That better?

Ah, come on, you big baby.

Let's go. Come on.

Watch your head. Don't trip.

Water's cold. Seriously.

Oh, uh, you, you said you had
information about my dog.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, that's Angus.

- He's cute.
- Yeah.

-He's my buddy. My boy!
-Huh.

Two years ago,
somebody stole him.

I was 20 feet away.

Just bought a fucking panini.

Y-- you didn't get him back?

You know, you read about a boy
and his dog, you know?

Man's best friend. All that.

But you don't really get it,
you know, until you have it.

-You know.
-Mm.

God. God!

Of course you know.
Of course you know.

Mm. What am I saying?

-Mm.
-Tell me. Tell me about... Tony?

-Tony, right?
-Yeah. Tony.

-Yeah.
-Um...

...yeah, h-- he's three or four,

mm, uh, they told us, like--

And, um, he's, oh, he's like a,
like a, like a terrier mix.

- I can't remember which one,
but he's, like, this big.
- No, no, no, no, no--

-May--
-Wait, wait, wait, wait. J--

Tell me what Tony means,
means to you.

Well, we've only had him
for a few months.

-I hardly know the guy.
-Hmm.

I know, I just--
it's, you know, it's--

-Come on.
-I had very little say
in the matter, actually.

My girlfriend wanted a dog.

They, like,
they bonded immediately,

and I just--
I haven't.

- It's bad, right?
- It's bad, I know.

- I know it's bad.
- It's bad.

Jesus Christ,
what's wrong with me?

I am so glad I called you, Walt!

- You were--
- Oh.

I-- you know, I--
in all of this,

I forgot
that you had informati--

Oh, thank you, thank you. This--

We'll get you
through this, buddy.

I got you.

Hello!

What? Wh-- why?

Everyone here is so much more
accomplished than me,

and I just-- I don't know
what I'm doing here.

You're there because
you were invited to be there.

You're just as deserving
as those other nerds.

No, a guy fell asleep
during my run through, love.

He was snoring.

-It's not funny.
I got so tripped up...
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

...I kept forgetting my lines,
and the whole thing
was a giant fucking mess.

I'm probably
gonna bomb tomorrow.

Who was the guy? Was he a judge?

No, he was another contestant.

Oh, well, there you have it!
Classic nerd sabotage.

He was just faking it
to throw you off!

Why would anybody do that?
That's so mean.

Because there's a whole lot
of money on the line,

and he knows
that you have a killer pitch.

There's this
18-year-old kid here

who's launching
his fourth company,

and he's so intimidating!
I'm intimidated by a child!

Wendy. Wendy.

You're the smartest person
I know.

It doesn't matter, being smart
is the bare minimum here.

You have to stand out
in other ways.

You know how you stand out.

You're good.
You're a good person.

Everyone else says
that they're out there
trying to make a difference,

but you are.
You're actually out there
trying to make a difference.

-But it's just an app.
-It's not just an app.

It's th-- the Etsy
of sustainable shopping.

Feel free to use that
as your tagline.

And who cares
about some child prodigy?

Your dad told me
that when you were ten,

you sold, like, 500 cookies
to save manatees in Florida.

You've never
even been to Florida.

Well,
it was 624 cookies,
and I was eight.

-
-See.

You're just as industrious
as that turd.

Thank you, lovey.

Hey, can we FaceTime
for a second?

I feel like I need
to see my boys.

Oh, uh...
yeah, you-- it's funny.

We're, we're out right now,
we're-- we're on a--
we're on a walk.

-A long walk, actually.
-So?

I-- I don't wanna be
one of those assholes

walking around on FaceTime.

We hate those people.
Let's just--

let's save it for tomorrow.

No, I can't tomorrow.
Tomorrow's the pitch.

I'm gonna be busy all day.

Um, can you at least-- uh,
can you hold the phone up to him

so I can tell him I love him?

Sure.

Hey, Tony, can you hear me?

Hey, little sweetie,
I miss you so much!

I hope you're being
a good boy for Daddy

and that you ate all your food!

I'm gonna be home so soon, okay?

And then we're gonna have
a party at the dog park,
you and me, all right?

Heyo, chucklehead!

It's not funny.

God, "Grieving your fur baby."
You know, it--

It's a wonder you're not
fish food right about now.

Else I'd have to be the one
to tell Wendy about the dog.

Oh, no, thank you.

Which one do you think
she'd be more upset about?

Oh, Tony. Hands down.

Do you--
do you think Tony is dead?

Nah. You don't steal a dog
like that to kill it.

You steal it to sell it.

Worst case scenario,

he gets bought up
by some Kennebunkport snob

who names him Jasper

and dresses him up
like a sailor.

I'd like to see that, actually.

Oh, shit. I, uh...
I just, like, realized

that I've been so preoccupied
by my own bullshit

that I haven't asked you
a single question.

Oh, pshaw.

Your bullshit is
way more interesting
than any chitchat.

Yeah, well, I'd like to, uh,
forget about it for a moment,

-if that's okay with you.
-Mm-hmm.

So, um...

...what do you...
do for a living, Marianne?

-That is a terrible question.
-I know.

I fucking hate that question.
I'm sorry I asked.

It's, um...

...uh, have, um,
have you ever been married?

Gay.

Well, gay people
can get married.

Not when I would've had
any interest in it.

Hmm. Kids?

Barren as the Atacama Desert.

And that's enough of that.

Wanna see my outhouse?

Your outhouse?

-You, you made this?
-Yeah.

Wow!

I even made a teeny tiny

roll of toilet paper!

It took me two hours!

I was cracking up
the whole time.

Oh, I bet.

Oh! Oh, here.

I have to sand this, but, uh,

my hands
keep cramping up, so, um,

you sand, I'll cut.

You make art of any kind?

No.

-I mean, I do love to draw.
-Hmm.

I always thought that I would do
something creative,

but now it just seems--

It's, um...

...it's like I'm--
it's like I'm outside
of this glass dome, right?

And, like,
everything that I want,

everything that
I should be doing

it's on the other side,

and I, I can see it.

And I'm searching
for an entrance,

but I can't find it.
I can't get over there,
you know? It's, um, it's--

...fuck, it's maddening,
you know?

Jesus.

You need to get to zero fucks.

Uh, zero fucks?

Where you're not agonizing
over every little thing.

I used to be like you, you know.
If you can believe it.

- Oh.
- Then I had my epiphany.

How?

Chopping onions.

I was working
as a prep cook downtown,

chopping this massive pile
of onions.

My eyes were burning
like syphilitic balls.

And all of a sudden,
all I could think about was

every sad sack
throughout human history

who had ever chopped onions.

I could see each one of us
lined up through time.

Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.

Since the dawn of mankind.

Or whenever the hell
we discovered onions.

Anyway, I got up and walked out,
never looked back.

Poof. Zero fucks.

So you...

...what, you realized you wanted
a more fulfilling job?

Oh, Christ on a bike.

Shut up and finish sanding. Hmm?

- It's great.
- Do you want all sides or--

Yes. Like, just--
That's perfect.

-Great. Heh.
-There are 20 more.

Great! Great.

I have Tony.

Bring the cash
to Battery Steele, 3:00 p.m.

See you there.

Oh, yeah. No cops or you will
never see him again.

Jesus.

-Oh, hey. Um, uh,
sorry. Excuse me.
-Yeah?

Um, h-- how do, how do I get
to Battery Steele?

It's, uh, it's about a mile
directly across the island.

A mile.

Need a bike?

♪ Tell you now
don't stand in my way ♪

♪ If you do
you get hurt today ♪

♪ I'm sick of people
questioning me ♪

♪ Breaking out
but don't try to hold me ♪

♪ Don't stand in my way
don't you stand in my way ♪

♪ Don't you stand in my way ♪

♪ Breaking loose
and getting away ♪

♪ Don't you stand in my way
don't you stand in my way ♪

Oh, shit.

Hello?

Tony?

No. No fucking way
I'm doing this.

You Walt?

Oh, shit.

Yeah. I'm Walt.

-You bring the money?
-You bring the dog?

Yeah, he's in the car.

Bad news, though.

Looks like the price
is being upped.

I got another buyer
who's willing to give two grand.

No, you fucking don't.

Yeah-huh.

She's, uh--
her name's, uh, Buffy.

Yeah, she, she wants the dog
for breeding and shit.

You know
how much money's in that.

Oh, well, did you tell Buffy
that he has no balls?

Or do you need me to explain
to you how babies are made?

-Man, fuck you. No, fuck you!
-Man, fuck you.

- No, fuck you!
No, fuck you, man! Fuck you!
-Fuck you!

Fuck you, fuck you!
You stole my dog,

and now
you're trying to gouge me!

I'm offering you $1000

for a... four
to six-year-old rescue mutt,

and you're not gonna
get better than that!

You're not.

You know what?

You don't deserve the dog.

Have a nice day.

What? N-- no. Uh, wait, wait.

-Hold on-- Oh!
-Yo, back the fuck off.

Okay. Oh, shit. Is that a gun?

No, it's not a gun!
This is my mom's pepper spray.

- I will use it.
- Okay.

Okay, okay.

I don't have two grand.

All right? But, um...

it's-- I, I,
I have something else, okay?

-What's that?
-They're real diamonds.

-Let me see.
-No, no.

How do I know
that you actually have my dog?

It's got a dark gray tail,
white tip.

Looks like a little paint brush.

You don't even know
your own fucking dog!

Not every fucking inch
of him, okay?

Well, I guess
you'll have to trust me, then.

Fine.

$1000 and--

Thank you. Stay right there.

All right,
now count to five Mississippi

-and follow me to the car.
-Why do I have to count?

'Cause I don't trust
your dumb ass right behind me.

- Oh, you
don't trust me? Okay, fine.
- Yeah.

Whatever. Go.

One, two, three, four--

Mississippi!

One Mississippi,
two Mississippi--

Oh, shit!

Wait! wait! Man, wait!

Wait! Hey, wait!

Wait!

Fuck.

Fuck!

- Oh, shit!
- Hi, lovey, it's me.

- Uh, sorry I missed your calls.
- I was just, um-- -Goddammit!

-Uh...
-Fuck.

...look, the, the, the thing is,

- I need to tell you something.
- Fucking--

Fuck you!

I'm sorry that
I've been acting so weird,

- it's just that...
- Oh, shit!

...the other day,
after you left,

- I, uh...
Oh, God-- oh, God!

- ...I took Tony for a walk--
- Fucking piece of shit!

Plastic bastard motherfucker!

Hey. Jesus Christ, man,
do you mind?

- Oh! Hey!
- Fuck.

Hey!

Oh, shit. Can you help me?

Lovey,
I'm gonna call you back.

I'm about to have
a fucking heart attack.

-What's your name?
-Walt.

Walt.

Oh. I'm Brent.

Do you like pickles, Walt?

-Pickles?
-Yeah.

I run a homemade pi--
Well, sorry.

Artisanal pickle biz,
and there is a case
with your name on it

if you help me
carry this crap home.

-Oh, man, I don--
-Oh, please, please!

I wretched my shoulder
pretending to be someone

who fishes from a fucking kayak,

and I need help carrying
that fucking thing back!

Please!

- My body hurts.
- Okay.

-All right. I hate to ask.
-Okay. Okay.

-Oh, God! Really?
-Oka-- Yeah.

Really? Oh, God! You are a gem!

A man among men.
Here, take this stuff.

- Yeah.
- I'll get your bicycle helmet.

Okay. Here you go.
Just grab the kayak
and follow me.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you!

Yeah.

Damn. Shit. Oh, shit.

You can just drop,
drop that shit anywhere.

Ah! Fuck me.

-Thanks again, Walt.
-Yeah.

Oh! Oh. So much
for new hobbies, huh?

-Huh.
-I'd say it was fun
while it lasted.

But you know what?

It wasn't fun at all.
It was cold and wet,

and I didn't get any bites.
And trying to balance
in that goddamn blue banana

is the dumbest fucking thing
ever invented.

Oh! Oh, let me go
get you those pickles.

Oh, uh, hey, no pickles
necessary, but thanks, man.

Oh, come on,
at least a couple of jars!

-No, no!
-Oh, no, no, no!

It's not-- it's not
just cucumbers, all right?

-No, I got sauerkraut,
green beans, kimchi.
-Thank you, thank you,

really, I think I'm just gonna--

I'm just gonna go home and...

...wait for my life
to implode, so--

Jesus Christ.

See, uh,

I knew that phone call
was no good.

What happened? You cheat on her?

Oh, worse.

Well, I have just the thing
for a catastrophe.

What? Pickles?

Bourbon.

I don't know.

I am genuinely flabbergasted.

We don't get
much crime on Peaks.

-Mm.
-Mm.

Do you think it was an islander?

Oh, he drove off in a golf cart.

Oh, son of a bitch.

Well, it could've been a rental.

If it was an islander,
I'd have known him.

-It was a kid?
-Yeah, a teenager.
Like, 15 or 16.

They gave you a name
or anything?

Nope. Oh, no!

Yeah! Yeah. He did.

Uh, it was a fake name

when he lied
about having a better offer.

Buffy.

-He said, "Buffy"?
-Yeah.

Buffy wanted to buy the dog
for breeding,

despite the fact
that he was already neutered.

I-- I sh-- I should've
known then that he didn't
actually have my dog,

I'm a-- such a fucking idiot.

No.

No, he's the idiot.

Oh, my God, that dumbass
gave you his mom's name.

Wait. You, you know them?

Uh, we live on a tiny island.

Buffy and I go way back.
She's...

...she's a l-- she's a little
rough around the edges,

but a sweetheart.

And Mikey, he's,
he's a good kid.

-He's just a little--
-A good kid?

He robbed me, and, and, and,
and then pulled a gun on me.

Whoa, whoa! Wait, what?

Uh, well, I-- I mean,
it was a pepper spray gun.

-Oh.
-But--

No. No, no, no,
that's definitely not cool.

Not cool.

Poor Buff.

Poor Buff?

Mm. Come on.

We're gonna go over there
and get your stuff back.

-Okay.
-I'll sort this out.

Oh! This--

- Come on.
- Okay.

Oh, there, there!
There it is. That's the,
uh, that's the golf cart.

What, do you need me
to go with you?

That's your stuff
in there, isn't that?

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah.

- Why? Are you afraid
of a 15-year-old pipsqueak?
- No.

Hey! Hey, are you
bringing them a gift?

- Yep.
- Oh, hey, hold on, man!

Buff? Mikey? It's Brent.

Look who came out
of hiding.

-How you doing, sugar?
-I'm all right.

Yeah? You look like hell.

-You eating? Yeah?
-Yeah. I'm okay. I'm okay.

- I see you, you stopped smoking.
That's great.
-Yeah.

- Listen, I--
- I, I'm really, um...

-...I'm sorry I,
I didn't call or--
-No.

Yeah, um, reach out or--

Oh! Who's this cutie?

Oh, this is my new buddy, Walt.

- Hey.
- Uh, we're...

...we're actually here
for a kind of, um,
awkward reason.

Uh, is Mikey around?

What do you want Mikey for?

It sounds like maybe he, um,

he might have s-- stolen
some money. Walt's money.

-And my ring.
-And his ring.

-Maybe my dog.
-Don't with the--

How long have you
known me, Brent?

And you, you, you bring
some stranger to my house?

You, you, you accuse my son
of doing something like that?

You accuse me
of being the kind of mother

- who would raise a kid
who'd do something like that?
- I...

...no, we're not-- No.
We're not accusing
anybody of anything.

We just,
we just want to talk to him.

No. He's not home.

Well, did, did,
did, did he bring
a new dog home recently?

- Okay.
- I would suggest

you get back on the ferry

-and stay the fuck away
from my kid.
-Look, lady--

-Oh, no! Don't call her that.
-"Lady"?

- I don't even care
about the money.
- ...no, h-- no...

-I just need my dog and my ring.
-"Lady"?

- Tony! Tony!
- Okay. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey...

How many do you have
in there, ma'am?

...all right!
Everybody calm down.

Calm down! Calm down, all right.

Whoa, whoa! Buff.

Can you just, just ask Mikey

if he knows
anything about the damn dog?

Okay? This is nuts.

Bullshit. Let's go. Ow.

Get your hands off me. What--

- What are yo--
- what are y--

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!

Oh, wow!

That's
for betraying us.

Is that the flavor I like?

- Yeah.
- Get the fuck out of here.

Okay.

Fuck.

Do you think I need
to go to the hospital?

Like, what if it swells up
and I can't breathe, man?

You can breathe
through your mouth, right?

Yeah. Oh! Oh, man!
She really nailed me.

- Did you see that?
-Yeah.
My eyes are watering.

-You know what?
We should call the police.
-No, no. Whoa.

-No, no, no, no. No, no. D--
-Why not?

-do-- don't do that.
-Why not? Mikey robbed me

and she just assaulted
both of us!

-They can't get away with it
because you have a soft spot.
-I--

I know, I know, but...

...we can't just have them
thrown in jail, all right?

He's just a kid.

They've been through enough.

Fine.

Fine. Then what do we do?

You think I'm, like,
gonna be scarred from this?

-Physically or emotionally?
-Physically.

Will I have just, like,

- one wonky nostril from now on?
- Nah.

Wait. Hold on.

- Maybe.
- Oh. Great.

One more way
to disappoint Wendy.

But I'm pretty sure
this is the last straw.

No.
Nah, it's not your fault.

At, at least, not entirely.

Oh, no, no, it's not--
it's not just this.

I have been such a...

...sniveling ass
the last three weeks.

Th-- the whole last year,
actually.

I don't know why
she proposed to me.

Sh-- she proposed to you?

Yeah. But I said no.

Ha-- hang on. I thou--
hang on. Wha-- the...

...why did you have a ring

if you didn't wanna get hitched?

No, I-- I, I-- I want to,
I plan to, I just--

I wanted to wait until I,
you know, I had, like,
something to offer her.

Something more than the promise
of your eternal love?

Yeah! Like...

...I don't know, stability.

Oh! Hey, man! Ow, shit.

That's the dumbest
fucking thing I ever heard.

There's no such thing
as stability!

You can have it all figured out.
You can have your house,

your job, your marriage,
health, and then wham!

Pornhub comes along
and swallows your business,

and then your wife dies
in her sleep

from a condition neither of you
even knew she had.

Life, life is... fucking short,

and it is brutally arbitrary.

And if, if you find someone
that wants to hold your hand

through this hellscape,
then you fucking take it

and you hang on
as hard as you can

for as long as you can.

Sorry.

I'm s-- I'm s--
I'm sorry about your wife.

That's awful.

Yeah, it is.

Nine months
and I still can't breathe.

Di-- did you say, um...

...Pornhub took your business,
like, like, pickle business?

No-- Yeah. No.

Before the pickles.

Angie and I used to run
an amateur porn collective.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. You know...
- Wow!

...yeah, yeah. It was
our little bohemian love den.

Uh, you'd be surprised
how many people wanna watch

a real loving couple
have good sex.

She-- One Christmas,
she gave me a mug that said,

"My tits belong to the world,
but my heart belongs to you."

I chipped it last week,

and I nearly lost my mind.

What was she like?

And not in porn,
just, like, as a person.

She was extraordinary.

One of those people
who everyone instantly loved,

you know? And she brought out
the best in everyone around her,

you know, especially me.

-Yeah, sounds like Wendy. Yeah.
-Yeah?

Then you have yourself a keeper,
my friend.

...I just got one thing.
I know you gotta leave.

And I g-- just got
one thing I gotta say

before you spread your wings.

♪ Here, here is-- ♪Wait.

♪ Here is-- ♪Wait.

♪ Here-- ♪
Wait.

Don't, don't make,
don't make that sound.

- Sorry.
- That's a terrible...

Faster!

Faster!

Hey, Brent.

- Brent, wake up.
-Here's--
everybody's...

-...okay?
-Hey.

Let's go get my dog.

-Okay. Yeah.
-Yeah.

Come on.

Got your keys.

Okay.

Okay. Come on, let's do this.

Oh! Um, yeah.

Well, I would, but...

my shoulder is still jacked.

It didn't seem to bother you
last night, when you made me sit

through every guitar riff
you ever learned.

Yeah, well, I had about
half a bottle of bourbon in me.

- And also, fuck you!
- You were enjoying it.

Get your ass in there
before they wake up.

Oh.

Can you pull up a little bit?
I can't get out.

Huh.

All right.

Shit.

Fuck, fuck.

Oh, shit!

Mikey! Walk the dogs! Now!

Tony.

Tony.

Tony?

Hey.

Brent!
Brent, open the door!

-Jeez. Okay, okay! What the--
-Open!

- Come on. Oh, jeez, here you go!
- Okay. Oh!

- Oh, wait! Wait, wha-- what
the fuck happened in there?
- Keep going!

Oh, man. A lot of stuff.
Here you go. Drive.

-Start the car and drive, man.
-Wait! Wait! Wait, what the--

what the hell, man?
These are her dogs!

-They are?
-I mean, wha--
where's your dog? Where's--

-I don't know!
He wasn't in there!
-Where's--

But start the car, man,
we gotta go!

I can't-- I don't--

-Where are my keys?
-Oh!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Why'd you steal the turtle?

-I thought that they were
all stolen.
-Oh, okay.

We're gonna give them
their pets back.

- Even the turtle?
-...yeah.
Oh, Jesus Christ!

Son of a bitch, you brought
that psycho to my house!

- I'm--
- I'm gonna take off now.

...go man, drive. Start the car.
Start the car. Start the car!

- I'm gonna take off
so that you can...
- ...I swear to God,

-Brent! I swear
to God I'll smash...
-...calm down--

...your window, Brent.
I will smash it.

...oh, hey! Hey, Mikey!

- I will be back...
- -I'll smash your window, Bre--

-...with the dogs.
-I'm sorry!

I thought they were stolen!

Iggy! Iggy!
Iggy, good dog!

Iggy!

Hey. Thanks.

For what?

For getting me
out of my head for a few hours.

Well, uh...

...here I go.

You'll be okay. Or not.

Probably not.

-Give me a--
-Give me a man hug.

Yeah.

Right.

Hey, if she kicks you out,
you can't stay with me.

- Wouldn't want to anyway.
- All right.

Okay, lovey. Uh,
I gotta tell you something.

I lost the dog.

I lost the dog. The, uh,

the dog-- the dog was stolen.

Dog was s--

Hello?

- Tony! Come here, boy!
- Come here, boy!

Come here, boy! Come here!
Oh! Oh, my goodness!

Oh, it's so good
to see you!

I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

What do you have to say?

Look, I'm sorry.

I was never gonna hurt him,
just so you know.

He's a great dog.

All right. Hey, hey,
go wait in the car.

- Yeah.
- Go wait in the car.

I, uh-- yeah, I didn't know
he was in the shed, I swear.

Guess, yeah--
thought he could keep him

after robbing you...

...of your money
and your ring and--

I am so tired.
I don't even know
what to do anymore.

You gonna press charges?

I won't if you won't.

Also, I'm really sorry
about your nose!

Yeah.
Come on, buddy. Let's go.

I got you good, though!

Hey, guess what?

I'm gonna propose to Mom.

What do you think
of that?

Yeah. I might even
let you come to the wedding.

I cannot believe you were lying
to me this whole time.

I-- I didn't lie,
I just, I-- I, I, um,

I omitted.

Okay, fine. I lied.
I lied, okay? And...

-...I'm so sorry.
-Did you take him to the vet?

No. He seems fine.

How do you know he's fine?

People who steal dogs
are not good people, Walt.

It w-- it-- it wasn't like that.

Actually, it was
just like this, like,

really, really troubled,
troubled teen.

Um...

now that I think about it,

it was actually a pretty
funny story. There was,

like, this guy named Brent,
who's a really funny guy,

-actually, really foul mou--
-What the fuck
are you talking about?

Sorry. I'm,
I'm trying to say that,

uh, he was, he was
well taken care of, okay?

It was probably, like,
the best case scenario

-when you think about it.
-The best case scene--

the best case scenario
would've been

for you to not tie him
to a telephone pole

-so you could go buy a joint.
-Hey.

I was trying to help myself.

Okay? You, um,
you have, you have no idea
what it's like to, like,

-be in here all day long.
-Yeah, well, that's 'cause
you never talk to me.

Okay. Let's talk. Let's talk.

Um, I have spent
the last three days,

morning, noon, and night, uh,
scouring this entire city,

dealing with every
single nut bag out there,

trying to make sure
that I got this guy home
before you got back.

Does that mean that if I hadn't
have found the flier,

-you just weren't gonna tell me?
-I wanted to tell you.

I planned to tell you.
I just wanted it to have
a happy ending, Wendy.

Walt, what if they had hurt him?

Okay, what if?
What if, what if, what if.

- What if had killed him?
- They didn't!

They di-- He's here!
He's not dead. He's fine!

I can't be around you right now.

Walt, I need you to leave.

Oh, okay.

Okay. Yeah. That's,
that's best probably.

You're okay, buddy. You're okay.

...loosen everything
in your body...

...shake out your arms,
your hips, shake out
your shoulders...

...your arms are like jelly.

Okay, we're gonna go
into our three swoops.

Ready? One,

two,

three.

Think of every idiot
in your life!

Practice...

...let it all out!

- Oh!
- -Thanks for coming over, you guys.

Oh, so sweet of you!

Well...
didn't mean to pop in--

What did you get?

-Oh, dumplings--
-Oh, we got some shrimp,
and we got some--

- Hey!
- Oh!

Oh! Oh, Walt,
you look terrible, honey.

-What happened?-
-Um-- Oh, no, it's a,
it's a long, long story.

We heard about Tony.

Oh! Rough couple
of days, huh? Aw.

Yeah, yeah.
And I'm, I'm, I'm sorry that I didn't know

- you were coming, I would've--
- Oh, no, don't be sorry!

-We didn't tell Wendy
we were coming, either.
-So good t-- so good to see you.

- So good to see you! Yeah.
- We just couldn't wait!

- We couldn't wait to celebrate!
- Me too!

So good! Amazing!

The pitch.

I won. I got the investment.

-You won.
-Yeah.

Oh, my God. That's fantastic!

Um. Yeah. I--

-Congratulations.
-Yeah.

That's why I tried calling you
so many times,

but you were busy
covering up your lies, so--

-Hey, let's, let's eat.
-Yeah.

- Great.
- -Can I, can I help with some of this?

Yes, sure. Grab some of that...

I'll get this stuff.
Yeah, yeah, you go ahead.

...in the bag that's
still there.

So, uh, Art, how,
how are you feeling?

You, um, you look,
you look well.

I feel like a million bucks.

Don't let the cane fool you.

- Sue makes me use it.
- That's great, I--

I'm so-- I'm happy for you.

What about you, Walt?
Are you liking Portland so far?

All things considered.

- Um, actually--
- Walt hates Portland, Mom.

That, that, that, that,
that's not true.

No? Name one thing that
you haven't complained about

since we got here.

There are no jobs.
Mussels are dumb.

We're not having sex.

-Whoa.
-Hey.

Well, sex is important.

Uh, maybe Walt just needs

a little more time
to settle in, honey.

Moves are very stressful.

You didn't even unpack
a single box.

Oh, actually,
I did unpack a single box.

And the reason I didn't unpack
the rest of them

was 'cause I was out d--
day and night looking for Tony.

Okay, you keep saying that
like you're not the reason

- he went missing in the first place.
- -Look, I know

that I'm the reason, and I feel
fucking terrible about it, okay?

But you wanna know what?

You wanted a dog,
so I got a dog.

You wanted to move.
So what did I do? I--
I moved.

So could you please
just give me, like,

uh, the tiniest bit
of credit here?

You are so selfish.
You think I wanted to move?

That I wanted to reconfigure
my entire business plan
right before launch?

-My dad had a heart attack.
-I know he did!

I know you did.
I'm sorry about that.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I thought you quitting your job
would free you

from whatever it was
that was holding you back,

but instead,
you're just retreating
further into yourself.

And I'm trying so hard
to be supportive, Walt,

but you kind of suck right now!

I know. I know I suck,
Wendy. Fuck, Wend--

Come on! Like, I just, I don't,
I don't know how not to.

I don't know
how to get out of it, okay?
And, like, you just, like,

so easily hit
all of these benchmarks,

an-- and I feel like I'm,
I'm just, like...

drowning from,
like, the bottom,
like, watching you,

because I, I, I have
no other higher calling, Wendy.

I just-- I,
I feel like, honestly,

honestly, you wanna know
honestly what I think?

I feel like I don't deserve you.

What are you talking about?

I'm the one
who asked you to marry me!

Yeah, because you didn't think

that I would actually
have the guts to do it myself--

No, because I actually wanna
marry you, you butthead!

Why can't you wrap
your big, stupid brain

around the fact
that if I wanted you to be

a completely different person,

I would be with a completely
different person?

But you should want to be with
a completely different person.

How do I see that
and you don't--
Um,

I, um...

Walt--

It's was nice to see you both.

Did you really
move back here because of me?

Gonna have to go back
eventually, you know?

Does Wendy make you happy?

Yes.

Wrong.

You make you happy.

Don't put that shit
on another person.

You know, yo-- your whole,
uh, zen-zero fucks thing is...

...is actually quite annoying.

Well, it's a good thing
I give zero fucks

about being annoying then, huh?

Here. Read this.

"I like myself."

Mm-hmm.

Now read it four more times.

-Nah.
-Oh. Come on.

-Uh, uh, uh, no, no, no, no, no.
-Humor me.

"I like myself, I like myself,
I like myself, I like myself."

- Okay.
- Did I ask you
to read shit?

What? No.

Then why did you spit it out
like that?

You gotta sit with it
a sec each time.

Otherwise it doesn't work!

Try it again.

Hey, I'm, I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna just go sleep
on the couch, okay?

Okay.

Is that from where I hit you
the other night?

No, no. Some lady just shoved
her cigarette up my nose.

-What?
-Yeah.

Well, let me see.

Are you okay?

Well, uh--

Good night.

Tony?

Oh.

-Hey.
-Hey.

I was, uh, just about
to take Tony out for a walk.

You, um...

...you wanna join us?

Sure.

Oh.

Good boy!

- Oh, hey, chucklehead!
- Hey.

-You know her?
-Mm-hmm.

That's my buddy, Marianne.

Yeah!

Oh!

Oh.

♪ Wicked good ♪

♪ I love you darling
'cause you're wicked good ♪

♪ You started fires
in my heart of wood ♪

♪ And they're burning hot
because you're wicked good ♪

♪ Wicked sharp ♪

♪ Everything about you
is wicked sharp ♪

♪ When I saw you
at the counter
of the old Kmart ♪

♪ Fell in love with you
because you're wicked sharp ♪

♪ I've been
halfway around the world
and halfway back again ♪

♪ From Paris, Maine
to Paris, France ♪

♪ And darling, I think
you're the cutest girl ♪

♪ I ever did see
won't you take me to the dance ♪

♪ Darling, wicked good ♪