All language subtitles for Adventures.Of.The.Naked.Umbrella.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

You got it Sammy boy.

That's it, eyes on the fire.

Make your daddy proud boy.

Make sure you throw it far

enough in the pen, so we don't catch.

That's it, Sam. Eyes on the fire.

Ain't nothing to it, but to do it.

I told you so

Remember when I told you about 911

Remember when I told you about 911

Remember when I told you about Building 7

Remember when I told you
about the flouride in the water

Yes I did

Remember when I told you
about the new world order

Remember that?

Remember when I told you
about the chemtrails in the sky

Remember when I told
you that NASA was full of lies

Remember when I told you
about the ultra mind control

Well I just wanna say that I told you so

I told you so

Nah nah nah nah nah

I told you so. Nah nah nah nah nah

-Call...

Calling all earthlings.

Whoo!

Calling all spooks.

Calling all patriots and deep state-triots

Calling all commies and
vegans and teabaggers.

We are-

Back up and running, yeah,
now listen up folks, listen up.

All possible apologies for that little ah,

missing time experience

when the power went out
on my podcast just now.

The good news is I am here to

tell all of yous is that I am back.

And, I was not a abducted by aliens.

Heyo! And as such my, shall
we say my dainty little anus,

appears to remainus,

gloriously unprobed.

Unprobed to date folks.

Now, it is T-minus, twenty
nine hours til Christmas

A little after, 7 p.m.
Pacific Standardized time,

which means it is time.

Time, time, time to listen up.

Listeners, so listen up

We still got a whole,
whole, whole lot left to cover

Number one.

We got the latest tasty
dispatches from guess who?

Guess who, I'll give you a clue.

I'm rhymes with the Central
Non-Intelligence Agency.

That's right, our government's

very own, say it with me now.

C.I. of A-Holes.

I really, truly thought them

spooks finally got me this time,

but lo and behold, would you believe I

just forgot to gas up my goddamn genny!

Language!

Our Lord and Savior is
right here in spittin' distance.

I'm sorry, baby, that is my
bad, but listen, you know,

I'm doing a show in here and

the show involves a microphone.

People can hear you and stuff.

I love you, but...

Hush up.

Who am I, you ask?

The Naked Umbrella himself!

And I'm comin to you live from the salty

shores of the mighty Salton Sea

my little slice of Hades.

I got a fire burnin in my
belly tonight, and by the way,

just in case my parole officer

happens to be listening right now,

that right back there was just an

innocent little metaphor, sister.

Whoo!

What do you say we get back
to it, as my daddy used to say-

Ain't nothin' to...

Ain't nothin' to it but to do it.

50 years and three, count them three,

pandemics later, endless quarantine.

Are strippin all the innocent

survivors of all their remaining wealth.

We are practically begging to be chipped.

Well, hello there, 5G.

We are gonna need to rise up.

There is an intergalactic-ass whoopin

a comin, and I will be damned

if I'm gonna get caught with other shhh-

shit-ton of toilet paper this time.

That's not very Christmasy!

Sam!

Oh, Mr. Kringle if you're listenin

Please do not forget the lube man!

Samson!

I ain't squeezing down no chimney.

Now you know I ain't that slim.

Big Red is comin', baby.

And he's lookin' for some trim.

Big Red is comin'.

Big Red is comin'.

Santa got a brand new
bag of Christmas toys.

Hello, ladies.

Merry Christmas Buzz.

You girls gonna sing our song tonight?

Lookin' forward to it.

Highlight of my year.

Is Yolanda still here?

Oh, yeah. She's in the office.

You make the nice list this year, Buzz?

Not since Nixon, Dodie.

Not since Nixon.

Podcast-We've all
known that Aliens are real

Podcast-Since the Roswell Crash of 1947

Hey, I brought you some-

Who is he?

One of my parolees.

Brought you some Nog,

With a little nip.

You buy this crap, Johnson?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you tryin' to kill me, Sheriff?

Oh, my God. I gave you the wrong one.

That's the one with the nip?

Jesus!

Mine has the full titty.

Podcast-I like to call the Flat Earth.

That boy's wackier than a soup sandwich.

What's he in for?

Burnin' down 5G cell towers.

This time.

This time?

He's got a little thing for fire.

He's got a good heart.

Good heart don't fix a bad brain.

You coming to our little soireé tonight?

Ahhhh-

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't be a humbug.

Ahhh.

Tammy's bout ready to pop and

she'll never let me out of the house again.

I'll finish my case reports and stop by.

Okay.

Stop by.

That's the spirit.

I guess I'll see you tonight.

I'm gonna be dressed as
Santa. You may not recognize me.

Cures everything from pimples to pandemics.

Folks, I am just about to tell all y'all

what really truly happened
to the Black Momba.

Hold up.

Haaa!

Ahh!

God

Fuckin

Damn it.

Really Samson?

Seriously?

You better just wash
that filthy guy whole out.

Wash it for ya.

I'm sorry.

Damn it.

Everything seems to be
working against me tonight.

You need to stop cursing
the Lord and start praying.

Okay?

It's not rocket Scientology.

Oh.

Might as well let Jesus take the wheel.

You know, you would
make such a fine preacher.

Oh, thank you, baby.

You know, I told you before,
I sincerely believe that Mr.

Jesus wouldn't know
how to drive a stick, baby.

No, no, think about it,
they didn't even have

Cars back in old fashioned
bible-times sweetheart.

Fashioned Bible times, sweetheart.

You kill me.

Get away.

Hey, will you please
take Kevin out for a potty.

He hasn't gone since...

Yes, ma'am.

Kevin, come on.

Let's go drain the main vein.

Come on, Kevin.

Where are you at?

Kevin!

Check under the sink sometimes.

He's not under the damn sink!

Kevin!

Sam.

You know what I'm saying, Kevin?

The last thing you want is Jesus Christ to

takin the wheel and
crashin the car and getting

himself arrested for
vehicular homicide man.

Imagine that PR nightmare.

Oh, Kevin, I'm telling you, people, just

do not think about
these things that you and

I think about, little boy.

Now, you go get yourself a wizzer

Daddy's going to go fix the stupid genny.

What?

What?

What?

Ow!

Ahhh!

Mother

Fucker!

What are you staring at, bird brain?

Hyuah!

Oh, didn't have cars back then.

Oh, Sammy.

Sure are a panty dropper

Hey, I know you're out
there, you damn spooks.

You think you can take me out that easy?

Huh?

Oh, yeah!

I got three more where
this fucker came from

The truth will not be thwarted.

Tyranny will not be tolerated.

There's a fire burning in
my heart this Christmas.

Where snowflakes fall
like angels from the sky.

Faces filled with glee
around the Christmas tree.

The broken record memory
of a place I'll never see.

There's a sweet refrain
in every yuletide carol.

Who in the heck are you yelling at?

Reeny!

Look at me, I'm a crispy critter.

My hair!

Listen, you know what this is right here?

This right here is CIA
hit job written all over it.

All over it.

CIA what?

Yeah, CIA.

They're probably watching us.

They're probably watching us right now.

Noone's watching us, Samson.

Baby, have you looked around?

And have you taken your meds today?

CIA hit job.

They got blowed up, baby.

I know what you're thinking.

Well I won't be sliding down the chimney

Hell no.

I don't want to be slapped
down when she's a piggy.

I don't want to be slapped
down when she's a piggy.

Or sneaking 'round the bush.

I got someting very special this Cristmas

So why don't you plant your tush?

Charlie Curtin.

Officer Johnson.

The quarantine's over.

I thought you were coming back to work?

I am.

What is that on your face?

Called a beard.

I kind of like it.

Why, thank you.

It's good to see you, Yolonda.

Good to see you, too.

How you doing, Charlie?

It's a bit of a shit year
with extra shit sauce.

I'm looking to put it behind me.

Well, getting back to work is a good idea.

Fresh start to the new year.

That shit'll kill you, though.

Well, rumor has it none of
us get out of here alive, so-

If I haven't said it, I'm really sorry.

I can't imagine.

Come on.

Your police escort has arrived.

I'm gonna need a stiff drink.

I'm going to hit the bar once you pull in.

I'll have a Proseco.

Yeah, great job.

Come on, get in here.

You made it.

I'll sing it again, though. Don't worry.

Hey, I wasn't doing nothing.

Oh, fuck.

What's happening?

She's stealing the wallpaper again.

No i ain't.

Law enforcement soireé is not

the idealist of times, Randi.

I'll bet you 100 bucks
he gives her money again.

No, he knows better.

Really?

You're on.

You take any benzos today?

Heroin?

No.

I ain't stupid.

Tammy, is the bunkhouse open?

This is for Kevin.

Hey, he would do it for you, too.

Come here.

Come on.

Dear Heavenly Father.

Kevin!

Kevin!

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, you scared the pig
shit out of me, little boy.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

As if Jesus didn't have anything

better to do at this time of year.

He took the time to listen to our prayer,

and that's how you say gracias?

Baby, Jesus ain't Santa Claus.

I'm sorry.

You need to get right with God.

Right here. Right now.

You're right, baby, but here's the thing.

Prior to me getting myself

right, we need to get ourselves gone.

Gone?

Gone.

Why?

Why?

Well, for starters, baby,
the house burned down,

and I'm a pyromaniac thrice convicted.

That's wrong.

You are a convicted arsonist.

Pyromania is not a crime.

It's a condition.

Here, Kevin.

Listen, I gotta get back
online and get the word out.

What word?

Word about the fact that we've
been set the fuck up, baby.

I'd say we better get to Granny's.

Granny's?

Yeah.

Granny's.

Yeah?

She is off her tree.

Oh, baby, she's got a
little sugar in her tank,

but she ain't crazy.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I'm very worried she tried

to off me with the rocket launcher.

Yeah, and that's why she sold it.

It was just too much firepower for

a woman her size and to her credit.

I think she realized that.

Where's your drink?

You should be chugging her.

It's on the way.

These pills will knock you out.

Sleep in the bunkhouse tonight.

Tomorrow, when we wake up,

Tammy will make you something to eat.

Yeah?

I need a proseco too.

This is more money than plus

spent on my entire Christmas present.

Well, from what I hear,

Santa's got a package.

Indeed he does.

One Bombay proseco.

Thanks. Hey.

You're a good man taking
care of Randy like that.

I don't want to see a
fuck-up her life with that shit.

And Amy... Amy really loved her, so...

Thanks, Tammy.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

No, he gave the money to Tammy.

But, uh, but Tammy is a her.

They did give the money to her.

No, I...

Meaning Tammy.

A hundred bucks says
he gives the girl money.

That's the bet I made.

Tammy's a girl.

Would you stop being a shady gambler.

That's not a good look.

All right.

Well, I don't have any
pockets or underwear.

I can't pay anything, now.

What's the bet?

Um...

This is beer.

And this is Bombay Beach, now Bombay.

Mumbai.

Um...

Okay, y'all need to get a new hobby.

Yeah?

Well, maybe you need to get a new hobby.

What? You think I'm banging Randy?

Are you?

Oh, Jesus.

I mean, you know, we all
pay for it, I'm aware of it.

We all pay for it, one way or another.

She was Amy's babysitter

for Christ sakes.

Mm-hmm.

Hey!

Let's rock and roll. You don't like it?

Gimme Rick James!

Come on, let's do it.

Let's do the freak.

Hard pass.

All right, he's all in there tight.

Yeah.

Hey.

Snugg is a pig in a poke.

Now.

That doesn't sound very good.

Is that battery dead?

That would most certainly
be a possibility, baby.

It's probably the solenoid.

Stupid solenoid.

They tend to wear out at this age.

Feel better?

I can't say it like I do.

Good.

Ooh, maybe your CIA
spooks could bring us some

jumper cables from here on forward

so we can get out of here.

Ah, ah, for crying out loud, baby.

Would you please just shahush now?

You say those wedding vows
to me right here, right now.

Go.

To rhythm and blues you
and endlessly amuse you.

To shock and awe you and

Gavin Degraw you.

To challenge you and push you

never ever to shahush you.

I pronounce you, person and person.

You may kiss the person.

Whoo!

Do you know what you are?

You are the most
beautiful, gorgeous genius.

It's about daytime.

We can take Disco Inferno.

What? No.

No.

We're not doing Burning Man anymore.

Because that's a trigger.

A trigger?

Oh, I see. And what,
somehow that ain't a trigger.

You wait right here.

Sam. Sammy.

I'm just gonna... one second.

Playin with fire.

Make it quick.

All right.

She started right up baby!

What?

I said she started right up!

Can you just dip the disco a gnat's hair?

No can do baby,

She's hardwired in.

Over the river and through the woods?!

What do you say?

Whoo!

Lightning from the sky

The sparks will fly when we hit the ground

Whoo!

Turn the flame on high

We're gonna burn the house down

Disco Explosion.

Let it burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, child.

Disco Explosion!

Let the wheels of steal

Turn turn turn turn, turn on!

Dance with the people, y'all

Listen!

Baby your phone's buzzing.

Smokin hot!

Whoa!

Hey!

I hate that fucking song!

I could have just turned it off for ya!

Granny, remember Irene?

You met Kevin.

I ain't playing your weird little games.

And those things ain't kosher.

Yeah, well you ain't
exactly Hebrew, Granny.

Are you off your meds again?

No, I am not.

Swine stays outside or hits the road.

Choose your pain.

Disco explosion.

Little on the nose, ain't it?

Siri, call Wanoutsky.

Your call has been forwarded to an

automated voice messaging system.

Hey Yo.

Is not available.

At the tone, please record.

Sam, what have you done?

Why not just skip past the

grab-assin' and tell your
Granny what's burnin'?

Now why do you always gotta
assume somethin' is burnin'?

Well, besides the fact you
smell like a dumpster fire.

You're a pyro, skipper.

You love your fire just like
your daddy loved the Klan.

He's in recovery.

Hey, hey, man, he's okay.

Listen, Granny, I told you.

I don't like it when
you conjurin negatives,

especially negatives
pertaining to my daddy.

-Cover your ears.
-No, Granny, you need to stop.

-I said cover your ears. -Oh, no, Granny.

-Kevin! -What the fuck?

So tired of them damn
chicken-stealing coyotes.

What the hell?

Wasn't white enough, huh?

Huh.

What can I say? I'm a cop.

Don't kid yourself. You hated
that party as much as I did.

Who's place?

One of my parolees.

God, this is what I
get for fearin' the worst.

-You fall for your parolee, Johnson? -No.

I mean, we were cool.

At least I had thought we were.

Jesus.

You are a cop.

Boot marks all over the place.

See how the boot marks disturb the ash?

That means they
happened after the explosion.

-Explosion? -Yup.

Well, at least they ain't wearin' hoods.

It's him.

Wanoutsky.

Hey there, yo. It's Sam. I saw you called?

What's goin' on? I was listenin'

earlier and, um, you went dark.

Yeah, that was the damnedest

thing the genny died on me again.

You know, Murphy's Law, right?

I guess.

Dying to hear more about
this black mamba story.

Yeah, that... huh. That
story ain't to be believed.

So you're just...

Sittin' in the dark? No power?

Well, not exactly.

We went over to my
granny's, you see, and...

Because...

You stupid motherfucker!

Hey, hey.

Granny, what are you doing?

Hey, yo. Hold on. -Sam?

I dropped the... ow, granny.

Hey, you knock it off now.

- Sam, are you okay?

I just dropped the phone, yo.

I'm...

Yeah, sure. Hey, hello.

I'm here. I'm here.

Sorry? Hello?

Yeah? I'm here.

Yeah, there you are.
You're there. Hi, sorry.

My fingers... I just... I was
eatin' some ribs, and I...

Uh, my fingers got greasy.

Hey. You knock it off, granny.

Sam, are we good?

You're the fuck out!

You and me?

Are we good?

Oh!

Hell, yeah, yo. You're my girl.

Can you just lose the jive
talk and keep it real with me?

Oh, oh, oh, hey. Listen, listen.

I'm so sorry, Yolanda. I
didn't mean to offend you.

Listen, I know you're my
P.O. and all, but the truth is,

there ain't no one who ever
stuck their neck out for me

like you did.

I got three friends in this world.

Reney, Kevin, and you, Yo.

And Granny, of course.

Grand total of four.

Remember, your drug test has

moved to the third for the holidays.

Don't forget.

I wont.

Hey, yo.

Merry Christmas. I'll talk
to you later. Take care.

He says his genny blew,
so he went to his grannys.

I'm hungry.

Granny, what you got to eat?

Didn't you just have ribs?

Hey, Granny, you mind if
I set up here at your place

and finish my show? I've got to get back.

Hell, no, no, no, no.

Online.

Skipper, you got a mosey.

I got a house full of K, MDMA, GHB

and a few other acronyms
I don't fully recognize.

What?

What in the world are you doing

hoardin all that contraband?

Festival season is
coming, you dumb hillbilly.

Granny, what about all that

homeopathic shit you've been peddling?

What about that?

Still for sale.

You needin' any lavender root?

Granny, I've been hawking all

your shit to all my listeners.

All 17 of them.

Granny, I'm a felon.

And now you're...

You're trying to tell me
you're a drug dealer?

Yes.

And now, thanks to you,

this drug dealer's about to

have the feds all up in her cooter.

Oh, that's just nasty, Granny.

Oh, man.

How am I supposed to go?

I don't know.

But if you stay here,
we'll both go to the pokey.

Reney buckle up, Kevin! We got a jet!

Dang ready baby.

Plugged in, but it's cold.

Still warm.

Burned ozone.

What's that mean?

Usually an electrical short.

I gotta get the ATF out here,
get an investigation started.

I need to find him
before anybody else does.

He's never lied to my face.

I'll be able to tell if he did this or not.

It's Curtain. I need the ATF.

I got Grandma's address
just like five miles away,

so I'm gonna head over there.

No, get in. I'll drive.

Well, it's a hell of a lot more

interesting than a Hallmark movie.

All right.

What?

What?

What?

What? She don't treat you right.

That's what.

Yeah, you're right.

But Granny took me and
went ahead and nobody. No?

Sam?

Yeah, baby?

We need a plan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look at that.

You see that?

Sam, did you hear me?

What in the...

Look look look, there it is again.

See what?

See it?

What, that airplane right there, Sam?

Yeah, I see an airplane.

No, no, that ain't no airplane.

The airplane's so flat like that, baby.

I think that's...

We need some help, and I
know somebody that can help us.

Yeah, let me guess, the Lord himself?

Is that right, baby?

Yes, but I was thinking

something a little bit more driveable.

Baby, I think that thing is following us.

What are you doing now?

I'm signaling it baby.

Jumpin Jupiter Wanoutsky

I thought we was on the lam?!

We are, baby, we are.

I know a place that we can hide out.

Oh, baby, it answered me you see that?

Look, right here.

We'd be safe there.

Sam?

Samson!

What?

What, baby, what?

I know a place that we can hide out.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

I am not about to drive all the
way back to Alabama, woman.

We just got back, and
I am still nursing what?

Sam.

Hamroids.

5.9540 North.

You're something else.

115.0811 West.

Baby, grab the map.

Get the map, please.

Alright.

Hurry, hurry.

Alright.

Grab the little ruler, too, there.

Thank you.

Come on, baby.

Oh, that was fast.

Look at the seat.

Well it was right there.

Okay...

And...

172.

100.

And that brings us to..

115 west.

And...

Glamis Algodones Dunes.

So you gonna tell me why you're

sticking your neck out for this guy?

Day after my 13th birthday,
I saw a flying saucer.

That is not how I
expected that story to start.

I was walking home
after volleyball practice,

and it was just starting to get dark.

And this...

flying disc just...

swoops down and hovers directly over me.

Totally silent.

Come on.

Hand the God.

What did you do?

I screamed.

I ran.

I peed myself a little bit, like...

So, fast forward to last year,

I'm assigned an old client.

It's a repeat offender.

Arsenist.

Mr. White Christmas.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

And if you know me, you
know I do not like to fail.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna rehabilitate him

this time if he freaking kills me.

Oh, then I get hit with the shit.

And luckily, he has
this weird little podcast,

and so I can keep tabs on him

while I'm laying there, dying.

This is funny.

Mm-mm.

When Amy got it, I used to stay up with her

to keep her comfortable at night.

That fucking fever.

And I wouldn't want to put the TV on

I didn't want to keep her awake,

so I started listening to
podcasts with my headphones in

to occupy my mind.

That's just funny how we
were doing the same thing

at the same time.

Mm-hmm.

You all right?

You know, you forgive
yourself for some things.

Bringing that shit home to
my baby girl, not so much.

Anyway, what was your,
uh, your guys' podcast about?

Oh, yeah, so that's the crazy thing.

UFOs and all kinds of conspiracy theories.

May I...

I cannot get enough of it.

You're not talking about that
naked umbrella guy, are you?

You've heard of him?

Oh, she do have an appetite, don't she?

I think Kevin might be hungry, too.

Oh, they don't sell piggy-chow
in a Quik-E-Mart, baby.

Well, porkers can't be choosers.

I'll give him a ham sandwich.

Wait, Sam, that is disgusting.

Y'all need a face mask here.

Oh, come on, Reeny.

We both know that lard is greasy.

Sam, this here Quik-E-Mart
don't give a rat's rear

about your sheeple people.

All right.

Stupid George Soros.

Hillary Clinton, Bitcoin bitches.

I'm hungry. I'm hungry.

Whoa! Whoa, there, partner!

You got pet food?

Go shoot. I got kids. A shitload.

Say you got pet food?

There we go. Down the aisle to the right.

Thank you.

Very welcome.

[screams of horror}

Sorry.

I love that shirt, bro.

Oh, yeah.

Did you know if you, uh,

if you type "Illuminati"
backward in the Internet,

it takes you right to the NSA.

Calling all Earthlings?

Calling all spooks.

Calling all patriots and deep-state-riots.

Calling all commies and
vegans and tea-braggers.

Tea-mire.

Holy monkey balls, it's you!

You saved my life, sir.

You saved my marriage.

Oh, those pills that you've
been selling on your website.

My wife can't stop getting pregnant.

She's pregnant right
now. I've had seven kids.

Two are black, one's Asian, one's Indian.

I think you turned my dick into

a goddamn. It's a small world.

And I'm telling you this
right now, because it's you,

I got a scoop for you.

Yeah?

Birds.

You said birds?

Oh, I said birds. They're fake.

Birds are fake?

I mean, they weren't
always fake, but after 9-11,

they all been replaced by drones.

Drones?

Yeah.

Biggest government surveillance
program ever conceived.

Where do birds hang out all day?

Power lines.

Why?

They're charging.

Charging? They're charging.

Ooh.

Oh, you like those.

Have as many as you want.

I bring out like 10,000 of these bad boys.

People these days just believe in anything.

-Cacaw! -They're gonna getcha.

Oh, So amazing meeting you. I love you.

I mean, I don't like to love
you. I love you, though.

Thank you. It's good to... I'm just...

Yeah, you got it. I'm not a good
guy. I'm a good guy. I'm just...

Yeah, you going? What are you doing later?

Ah, thank you.

I love you.

This is the part where I leave.

Yeah.

Yeah, you keep running.

It's entertainment.

Yeah, and so is War of the

Worlds. Remember how that worked out?

The Tom Cruise movie?

What? Oh, my...

Here's my problem
with these truth warriors,

is that they can go online and say

whatever crazy shit that they want,

and people just eat it up as the truth.

Your boy is out there, and
he's peddling miracle cures.

Well, he saved my ass.

What? How?

Sam was the only person who
checked on me when I got sick.

Yeah, he was probably
trying to sell you those pills.

No.

No pills.

But he carried me to the hospital,

when none of my other friends could

be bothered to return a damn text.

Sorry. I know you had your plate full, too.

Are you sure this is it?

That's what it says.

I'm gonna jump out. You drive up alone.

I'll search the grounds
while you talk to her.

You're less threatening by yourself.

I think that depends on
the color of her nativity set.

Hi. Sorry to disturb you so late.

I'm Yolanda Johnson, San
Wanoutski's parole officer.

Well, good evening.

Sam thinks so highly of y'all.

He does?

Well, sure, you act so surprised.

Just like peas and carrots, he said.

He mentioned that he was staying with you?

No, he decided against it I'm afraid.

Okay.

Were you aware that there
was a fire at his house tonight?

Yes, it was terrible. He was quite upset.

You have a...

In your...

It's this darn dry air.

I should go deal with this, dear.

Yes, of course.

Will you give me a call
if you hear from him?

Why, certainly, darling.

Good night, darling.

Good night.

Fuck me.

Ah, yes.

Gall dang it.

What the hell are you doing here?

What part of "Never see your face-

around here again" did you not understand?

Well, I tried calling you.

You're a filthy little thief. I

don't do business with thieves.

Hey, I was gonna pay you
back. You know I'm good for it.

You're good for nothing.
Now get the fuck out of here.

I'll suck your cock.

You get the hell out before I beat that...

Okay. Okay. Okay.

I was gonna get you what you want.

It's in the cabinet behind you.

I just thought that you might have

noticed there's no clip in that gun.

And ladies don't have
cocks, you filthy little thief!

You see anything?

Some drinking glasses on the

porch and a recently deceased coyote.

Well, he isn't here.

Granny says she doesn't know where he went.

Curtain. Uh-huh.

Is that confirmed?

No, I'm with his PO right now.

It's faster if she issues the warrant.

I'll brief the sheriff an I.P.D. You guys

call Homeland and alert Border Control.

He's probably on his
way to Mexico. All right.

What?

Look at that, Sam. That
is gorgeous. Come on.

That's like a winter
wonderland made out of sand.

It's sure it is.

Steal me away, handsome prince.

No, no, no, no.

No, that's not the man I know.

It's not your call anymore. You need

to issue the warrant. You take my truck.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to talk to Granny. She

knows a lot more than she's letting on.

I'll have a squad come and pick me up.

Give me his number because I'm going

to have a stingray work on his location.

He's too paranoid for a smartphone.

What, he thinks he can't be

located? Did he read that on Facebook?

What is your deal?

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my.

Oh!

Owwwww!

Ow ow owwww!

Ha ha ha!

Cacaw! Cacaw!

-Sam!
-Being on the lam with you and Kevin, you know what?

I feel alive.

Like alive, alive. You feel
alive too, baby? You feel it?

Tell me you feel alive.

Maybe.

Maybe?!

Ha!

Where are you going now?

CaCaw!

Where are you going?

Oh, for a muse of fire that would ascend!

Was that ah, Springsteen or Skynard?

I never can remember.

Ha ha ha! Woman!

-Samson! -I'm coming, baby!

You know what? You amaze me.

Every day you amaze me. Guess what?

You are no less than a goddess.

I said it.

I'm a chilly goddess.

Will you please fetch me
my knickers, Shakespeare?

Or, baby, how about this?

Will you build a campfire?

Warm me up a little? Just a small fire?

Sammy, we both know that
that ain't going to happen.

Oh, please, baby, please. Listen, listen.

I'm telling you, I feel like I
broke the fire spell, baby.

Think about it. House burned down right?

Now I'm driving what? This
disco inferno, which is what?

It is a fire truck, baby,
and guess who feels fine?

Let me guess. Where is he?

There.

Whoo!

It is getting a little bit
nipply out here, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Listen, baby, please, I
need you to do this for me.

If you, right now, if you
believe in me right this minute

with everything you've
got, I promise you this, baby,

I will make myself right with the Lord.

For you.

When?

When? Well, let me see.

How the heck does tomorrow sound?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, with the tears.

What is wrong?

I thought you stopped
loving me when I lost Kevin.

When you lost...

When you...

Baby, baby, look at me.

Please, look at me.

We didn't lose Kevin baby.

He's right there.

Where? Right there.

I'm just so wrecked in my lady parts.

I don't blame you.

I don't.

No, no baby, look at me. It's them pills.

I've been taken.

They rob me of my fire, baby.

But that's what they're
supposed to do, sugar.

That kind of fire, baby, it's like...

It's like, um...

It's like... Your sacred fire?

Yeah.

You ignite me.

You light my finest fire, baby.

You do.

I love you so much.

You love you so much.

Oh, yeah.

Hey.

How about this.

What do you say?

First one to top that dune...

loves Kevin more.

Oh, come on now.

You're all hat and no cattle.

Would you like a four
count head start, my darlin?

Don't need it. But sure.

How about three?

Give me your hand. Come on.

Give me...

Oh, you're fast, baby.

Hey!

I told you to hold your damn horses!

I'm in the Biffy, for Christ's sake!

You remember me?

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

You cut the bullshit.

You sold me reduxivir.

Oh, you're one of Sammy's 17 listers.

Well, that's money well spent.

What?

Sorry, no refunds.

I gave it to my daughter.

Well, I do hope she's cured.

She's dead.

And do you think the pills killed her?

Oh, I know they did.

You think this is funny?

Kinda.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Oh, honey, now where would I get reduxivir?

I sold you sugar pills, you dumb schmekel.

Like I said, no refund.

I don't want a fucking refund!

I want my daughter back!

Well, that's between you and God.

No, that's between you and me, old man.

My daughter was severely diabetic,

and you sold me sugar pills.

For fuck's sake, people
are out there scared

and looking for any kind of hope.

You and your shitbag
grandson are feeding off of it.

Oh, don't be such a victim.

Diabetics don't stand a chance anyway.

Survival of the fittest.

I did you a favor.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Is the smoke bothering you, man?

We, uh, no respiratory system.

No shit.

Yes. How did you know?

Know what?

That we don't shit. No
digestive system, either.

30 million light years in
that thing with a full-shitter.

I don't think so.

Like I always tell Reney, you know,

people just... they don't
think about these things.

Eyes on the fire, Sammy boy.

Eyes on the fire.

Hey, man.

How do you know them words?

I know everything about you.

Please don't tell me you've

been probing me this whole time.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

That ain't an answer, man.

You have issues.

What's with you guys in the butt stuff?

Simple questions.

Rectal tissue is the
most conducive epithelium

for use in bariogenic microfusion.

Uh, you mind saying that
in American space boy.

We've been altering
your DNA since inception,

accelerating human evolution.

So you say you created us?

Creation is the work of
gods, of which we are not.

We? Tinker.

That's what I thought.

Hey, you know anything about birds?

Dashing through the snowll

On a one-horse open sleigh

For the fields we go

Laughing all the way

Bells on bob-tail ring

Making spirits bright

What fun it is to ride and sing

A sleighing song tonight

Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way

Yeah

That's it

You're getting the hang of it.

Oh what fun it is to ride.

In a one-horse open sleigh

That's it, that's it.
You're getting it, man.

It all takes a little practice.

Sam?

Yeah, baby.

What's that music? Come
on, honey, come to bed.

I'm sorry, baby. Music's going

off. I'll be to bed directly.

Go to sleep, baby. I love you.

It's getting kind of late, I guess.

We don't observe time.

Really?

So what time is it for you right now?

It is now. It's always now.

It's an earth thing.

There is a delay here between the

thought and the experience of that thought.

You measure it and call it time.

All moments are now.

All moments are now.

So does that mean nobody really dies?

Death as you conceive
it is another result of time.

So heaven is real.

This is so much easier
to explain in Europe.

Listen, man, I really need
to speak to my daddy,

because I've been remembering

all kinds of things, you know?

So I talk to him...

No, but I gotta do it face to face.

I gotta handle this man to man.

Well, it is not that easy for a hominoids.

We are working on it,
and these things take time.

I got you, man. You just
said time don't exist, man.

You know what time it really is?

It's your fulla shit O'Clock, little man.

A, that's impossible, as
I've already explained,

and B, I said time is unique to earth.

When I'm on earth, I'm subject to time.

I see, I see.

Here.

Oh, what's that?

It will help you find your dad.

What is this, like,
official alien technology?

It is a vape pen filled with weed and DMT.

-Sammy! I think Kevin's gotta potty.

Hey, man, am I ever gonna see you again?

Depends if you wake
up during your next rectal.

Oh!

Listen, brother, you know
all this right here with you,

uh, I'd like to share it with
my listeners, if that's okay.

Is there any way you can give me

some proof that you was here, brother?

How about a nice souvenir hat?

Sammy!

Yeah, baby, I told you, be right there.

Daddy?

Well, well.

Look at you all growed up.

Daddy, we need to talk.

Like man to man.

Man to man.

Take this.

Get the soak'n them hogs.

Come on, now. We got shit to do.

Ahh! Daddy, what the hell are you doing?

Doin what needs to be done.

Daddy, please, you're hurtin me!

The gas is gettin on
me. You're acting crazy!

I ain't acting Skipper.

Why you wanna hurt them
animals? They never hurt nobody.

Them hogs is money.

For them uppidy coons.

Get rid of the pigs.

Get rid of the nigras.

See how that works, Sammy?

Now, I'm gonna let you up.

And you don't run on me again.

It'll be the last time you do.

You understand me?

Do you?

On your feet.

Ain't nothing to it but to do it.

Come on, now.

That's my boy.

You make your daddy proud, boy.

Make sure you throw
it far enough in the pen.

We don't catch.

That's it.

Eyes on the fire, Sam.

Eyes on the fire.

Whoa! Whoa!

Sammy what did you do?!

- Daddy!

Daddy!

Sammy!

Sammy!

Sammy!

Sammy!

Sammy!

Daddy-

Hello.

Sam.

Hey, you...

Good morning.

Um, Sam, I know about your house.

I swear it wasn't me, yo.

I did not burn down my own house.

I... Um, maybe we should meet up and talk.

Why? So you can come arrest me?

Sam, if what you're saying is true,

an investigation will prove that, okay?

I always have my back. I owe you the same.

Where are you?

I'm at Salvation Mountain.

What are you doing there?

Well, I don't know.

Just kind of happened.

I made a promise to Reney.

I'll come to you. Just me, nobody else.

We can talk it through
and make a plan, okay?

Reney!

Oh, look at you. Do you
know how much I love you?

Yo, you know, listen, I got to...

I don't know how long
me and Reney will be here,

but I got to get back online.
So much has come to light.

No, look, I'm not far. I'm
already on the way, okay?

I thought you were fixing to reneg.

But look what you've gone done did.

Look at this. Look at that. -Right?

Do you know that one
man built this all by himself?

Is that right? That's right.

That's what happens when
you let Jesus do the wheelin.

Oh, is that right?

Where'd you get this?

Oh, that you found in the
truck? I just found in the dunes.

This here is a demon.

Is it... is that right?

Oh, there goes the demon.

There's got to be a preacher around here.

Yeah, hi, preacher man!

Get to baptizin, shall we?

- Good morning, Curtain.

What's the latest?

- The grandmother's house
burned down last night.

- What?

- Sometime after I left, we
presume that she was inside.

Investigators are on the scene right now.

- Oh my God.

- Yolanda.

- The fire was set deliberately.

We were running DNA
on some drinking glasses

that we found at the scene.

Why didn't you file
that warrant last night?

- I know, I got back and I sat
down and I just passed out.

- I gotta call you back.

Tell me you have his location.

Awesome, I will be right there.

Probably 20 minutes out.

Fuck, I forgot my truck.

I don't have it.

Send a squad around, allight?

At my house, you dumb fuck.

And nobody arrives
before me, you understand?

Sheriff's orders.

- Hey, ain't you most
required to have like a license

or you must be drinking age
to go around anointing folk?

- It's the kingdom of
God, it's not the DMV.

This here is the resident preacher's boys.

Twins.

- Jesus be lobbing us miracles.

- My daddy gave me a dunkin.
-In the mighty Salton Sea.

I drank upon the Lord.
-With whom I want to be.

He offered me a voucher.
Redeemable for eternity.

- Ain't that something, Sam?

All right, boys, let's get
that Jesus juice'a flowing.

Jesus loves me, yes I know

- How long is this gonna take, baby?

-I gotta get back. - Shh

Little ones who him belong

They are weak but He is strong

- Stings, boys.

- Stings?

What stings?

- The Jesus juice smells like battery acid.

- Well, that's the devil oozin out of ya.

Douse him good, boys.

Couple gallons oughta do it.

- Hey, what you boys doing down there?

- Baptizing this heathen, daddy.

- That's real nice, boys.

- Hey, Wanoutsky!

- What the hell are you doing?

- Hey, yo.

- I think it's time you go ahead

and say goodbye to that shirt, Sam.

- Yeah, well, it's the
only shirt I got left

in the whole world.

- What happened, Sam?

- Genny was giving me hell,
so I went outside to check it,

and next thing I know,

kablooie, whole house blowed up.

I'm telling you, yo, I think
she's gotta be with CIA.

- Where was Irene?

- Oh, she was in the kitchen
to make some cookies.

- So you just left her there?

- Of course not, we skedaddle her grannies

right after she landed.

- Irene landed?

- Yeah.

You know, shh.

- So you're telling me Irene
went with you to grannies?

- Yes, I am, yes, ma'am.

Because where else was
she supposed to go, yo?

I mean, got any other ideas?

- Sam.

- Yeah?

- Irene was found in the
remains at your trailer.

- Okay, that right
there, right about there,

that was ridiculous.

And I'll tell you why,

because clearly, you hear that?

Clearly she's right outside
singing with the boys.

So, therefore-

Look at me.

Come on.

- Reney! Hey, where you at?

Come show Yojo, she's out of her mind.

Baby.

- Sam, where did you go
when you left grannies?

- We went to the sand
dunes, we camped there,

me and Reney and Kevin.

- Sam, please be honest with me.

-What are you talking about?

- I am being honest with you.

I thought you said you
was coming alone, yo.

- Look, I swear, I don't
know anything about that.

Reeny!

Where you at, baby?! We gotta jet!

- Sam, Irene is not here.

- Baby!

- Sam, she's gone.

- Stop saying that,
please. Stop it, just stop it.

Reeny's been here with me
and Kevin this whole time.

- Kevin.

- Okay.

I got you out of here.

- Sam, you cannot run, okay?

They're gonna shoot you.

- Where's my Reeny?

Reeny, we gotta get out of here.

I need my family.

I need my family.

Where, where's my?

- Sam, get in my trunk.

- Family?

- Sam?

- Sam, I believe you, all right?

Listen, the only way
you're gonna get out of here

is to get in my trunk, all right?

Get in my trunk!

Give me your phone.

Give me your phone.

Hey, hey, you guys have bikes?

Okay, my friend left her phone

and I will give you 50 bucks
to take it to her, all right?

Her name is Tammy, she's at the Ski Inn.

And do you know where that is?

Okay.

She's waiting for it, so
just as soon as you can,

just, all right?

- Is that Johnson?

Johnson, what are you doing here?

- You never called me back.

- We got a beat on Wanoutsky, I forgot.

- Now, what are you doing here?

- I called him and he answered
and told me he was here,

so here I am.

- Where is he?

- I don't know, just out here myself.

- Your car is there, you would
come from somewhere else.

- I was asking the pastor's
kids if they've seen Sam.

No luck.

- Search that vehicle, the rest

of you get up in the mountain,

it's hollow, lots of nooks and crannies.

- Did Sam say why he came here?

- Promise to his wife.

- Your client is in
violation of his parole,

he is a fugitive, this is
not your problem anymore.

You should go, Yolanda.

- Okay.

- I'm out of my freaking mind.

- We don't want to hurt you, Santa Claus,

so come along quietly.

- Let's go, old man.

- Mrs. Santa Claus
has positively identified

the kidnappers as Martians.

- Well, make sure they
check around the back again,

God damn it.

- Shit.

- Buzz, what the hell's going on, Charlie?

You got half the county mobilized.

- One of Yolanda Johnson's
parolees blew up his house

and burnt down another one,
she should have called you.

- Yeah, yeah, she should have,

but she didn't, Jesus H Christ.

You're gonna ruin
Christmas Eve, aren't you?

- We tracked his phone
here, Salvation Mountain,

we think he's here hiding.

Where's Johnson?

- Frankly, sir, she was beginning to impair

the investigation, she's
too close to this guy,

I had to excuse her.

- He's on the move, heading southwest.

- Sheriff, he's in motion,
I'll keep you updated.

All right, let's pack it up,

wheel's up in two minutes, let's go.

- Welcome, Santa Claus, we hope you'll make

the decision on Martians getting happy.

I'll try dear lady. I'll try.

- Humbug.

Humbug.

- Yo.

- Yojo!

What?!

Yolanda!

What?

- I just want to say
thank you for helping me,

and I really need to talk Yo.

Okay, hang on.

- What are you doing?

- Thank you, yo, it's a perfect disguise.

Listen, listen, yo, I've been giving this

some real good thought, and I think

Reeny and Kevin, are back at the mountain.

- Sam, that's not...
- Back in the mountain.

No, no, just listen,
listen, think about it.

There ain't no way you got

forensics back that quick, right?

And so what, you found a body.

It could be a dead
spook for all we know, Yo.

Yo.

- How do you do this?

- How do I do what?

- How do you make me
believe what you are saying?

- Look down and see a
fool, look up and see a god.

- What is that, the Bible?

- It's Charles Manson,
but Reeny always did say

I'd make a pretty good preacher.

But listen to me, yo, please,

we gotta go back and get Reeny

I just helped you escape.

- Yeah, well I said no man left behind

even if that man is a woman, my friend.

- Sam, we can't.

- Why?

- What?

- Somebody torched your

grandmother's house late last night.

- Oh.

Oh man.

Oh man.

So now they think I did that too.

- Did you?

Sorry.

- Well, can't say Granny
didn't have it comin.

She had a whole lotta enemies, that one.

- Is there anything I can do?

- Yeah.

You can go catch son'bitch
who burned up Granny

because guess what, she had every corner

of her property surveilled.

- No, it burned to the
ground, there's nothing left.

- Yeah, well I'll tell you something,

Lord knows Granny
had a whole lot of faults,

but she wasn't no dummy

because her surveillance security system

uploaded to the cloud 24-7.

- Do you have access to it?

- Well, I sure as shit should

because I'm the one who set it up.

That all depends.

- On what?

- On whether or not
you're gonna take me back

to get my wife and my pig.

- Let's go.

- Go around, check the
bunkhouse, I'm going inside alone.

- What the fuck, what are you doing?

- I'm looking for Sam Wanoutsky

he's about 5'8 with a mullet.

- Yeah, I know who Sam
is, I haven't seen him.

- Not here.

- No.

- You know what, I get it.

I finally understand why
y'all like these things so much.

- This is really comfy.

- Who do you mean by y'all?

- I mean women.

- Okay, you ready to do this?

- No ma'am, but I guess we gotta.

- Siri, call Sheriff Clark.

- What the hell's going on, Yolanda?

- Hey, Sheriff, okay, I
don't have a lot of time,

but okay, I just need you to listen to me.

- Hello?

- You asked me to
listen, that's me listening.

- I have Sam Wanoutsky with me.

- Hey there, Sheriff.

- Jesus H Christ.

Are you out of your freaking mind?

There's a manhunt going on.

- Buzz, I know this, listen.

- If you have ever trusted me,

I really need you to trust me right now.

- Are you near a computer?

- I can be.

- Okay, let me know when you're there.

- We're here.

- Thank you, Yo.

- Sam, wait.

Promise me you won't run
if they come back, okay?

- You're a good friend, Yo.

- No, I'm serious.

I need you to tell me what
really happens to Black Mamba.

- Come here.

Guess what?

It ain't real.

- Yeah, what do you know,

one of your conspiracies isn't real?

- No, no, no.

Time.

Time ain't real.

And if time ain't real,
then death ain't real,

which means, none of this is real.

But here we are.

You and me right here right now,

what are we doing?

We are thinking all this is real.

Ain't it glorious?

- That's not the word I had in mind.

- Yeah, I get it.

But it's still kind of
fun to pretend, isn't it?

Look up Kobe Bryant
Chamberlain Heights, all right?

It's everywhere.

Sure.

- I'm coming for you, baby.

- The hell are you doing back here?

- Reeny!

Reeny!

Reeny!

- That's him.

Let's set up a perimeter around the base.

- Hey, Charlie, he's not well, okay?

He thinks his wife is here and she's alive.

- Oh, well, good work letting
a delusional psychopath

crawl up to the top of a
flimsy six-story structure.

- I'm coming, baby.

- Sam Wanoutsky, this is the

Imperial County Sheriff's Department.

You are under arrest.

- Reeny!

- Curtain, he is unarmed.

Do not shoot him.

- Shut the fuck up, Yolanda
or you're going to jail.

- Sam, you are under arrest.

Put your hands up and do
not make a sudden movement.

Okay, that's good, Sam.

All right, I need you to come
back down here real careful.

- Hello.

- You still in Salvation Mountain?

- Yes.

- Is Curtain with you?

- Yes, they are in a standoff.

Where are you?

- I'll be there three minutes, hang tight.

- Sam, I need you to
keep your hands in the air.

- No, no, Sam, I need
you to turn back this way.

- Reeny!

Reeny!

Reeny!

Reeny please, baby.

- Boo.

- Oh, oh!

Oh, baby, baby, I knew
you guys were still here.

I just knew it.

Oh, you gave me a real scare.

- Sam, Sam, I need you to turn
around and come down here.

- Who the fuck is he talking to?

- Probably his wife.

- Place Officer Johnson under arrest

for obstructing justice

and interfering with
the police investigation.

- Charlie!

- Do it.

- Hold on there, Deputy.

- Sheriff, glad you're here.

He's up on the mountain,
we got him surrounded.

- Next time you murder an old drag queen,

you might want to sweep
the house for innocents

before you burn it to the ground.

What the fuck?!

Arrest him.

You fucked up Christmas and my retirement.

Come on.

- Oh, baby, you, you gave me a real scare.

Where in blazes have you been, my love?

- I'm so sorry, sugar.

I got so caught up in God's glory,

I went wondering all
around here and I got lost.

- Oh Kevin. - It's Kevin.

- I don't know if you know,

if you maybe notice, there's
a whole lot of cops down there

who think I snuffed you out.

- Maybe they think I snuffed you out.

Problem solved.

- Sam, you're off the hook, come down.

- Look at that.

- It's okay, come down.

- You were right.

- I'm always right, Sam.

When you gonna figure this out?

- I gotta, I'm gonna get
to figuring it out I promise.

- It's bad time.

- Sam, come down.

- Oh, I love you so.

- I'm so glad you came back.

- l always come back.

- Come on.

Sam!

A dreamer's lullaby

The boy who learned to fly

Drifted off to sleep

And opened up his eyes

To paradise

High immense the clouds

Beyond the grasp of time

Mystery and Rhyme

When love was blind

And though his friends were few

He bid the world adieu

And spoke of wonders far away

And no one knows

How the story goes

But this much is true

So high they flew the Earth was just

A speck of blue

And in the end my friend

Real is just pretend

The dreamer will prevail

The epic fairy tale

The Boy who learned to fly

In a dreamers lullabye