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Come on. Let's sit down.

I don't want to sit down.

Well, then let's dance.

And I don't want to dance.

What's the matter with you tonight?

Listen, I'm tired of being subtle.

Scram. Botp.

Beat it off of the porch.

All right, Phineas whipsnade.

But let me tell you something.

I'll never buy gas for your car again!

Aw.

Oh, do you care for some punch?

No, thanks.

Whoa. Positively stuffy in there.

It was.

Yeah. I guess my collar's wilted.

It was lucky I brought a change.

But as I was saying, you know, mother's gonna be

quite upset about not being able to go to Europe.

Mmm. She'll miss her baden-baden.

Uh, baths, you know?

Yeah, we're going to Bermuda instead.

Oh, that'll be nice.

You know, you'd like Bermuda.

Oh, I'm sure I would.

Vicky, why don't you...

But, Roger, I've changed my mind.

I believe I'll have some punch now.

Punch?

Did you say "punch?" Hmm.

Oh. Excuse me.

Well? Oh, phin.

Well, what?

When's the wedding? What wedding?

You didn't turn him down again?

Phineas, I've told you a million times...

I'm not in love with Roger. So please forget it.

Love!

You give me a pain in the neck.

There's a guy that's gonna get a pile of dough the day he gets married,

and he's just begging you to take it.

Well, I'm not interested.

Oh. One sister, and she has to be a halfwit.

Victoria: That's enough.

Listen, sister dear.

Roger's gonna get tired of being pushed around,

and he's gonna grab someone that isn't so dumb.

As usual, Phineas, you have an angle?

Sure, I have.

Straight from the shoulder.

You get a rich husband, and I get a swell job in his father's bank.

And I'm going inside.

Wait a minute, Vicky.

If you won't think of your own future,

you might think of the old man.

What's dad got to do with it?

Well, I happen to know he's having a plenty tough time.

He could use a little help now,

after all he's gone through to keep us in college.

His last letter said everything was fine.

Sure.

His letter also said the circus would be in Bridgetown yesterday.

But where was he?

I tell you, he's in hock up to his ears.

I don't believe it.

Okay.

Go on your merry way and let the old man wind up behind the eight ball.

Oop! I'm sorry.

Oh, Phineas. Hello, Roger.

Say, that's a swell new car you got out there.

Sixteen cylinders.

It is? Mmm-hmm.

How's chances to use it for a few minutes?

Oh, surely. Have the driver take you anyplace you wanna go.

Gee, thanks.

Uh, who is it? New girl?

Same one. Oh.

Where are we going?

Sorry to be so long, but I was standing in a line.

Come on. Step on it! He'll get away!

We'll have to do better than this, sheriff.

He'll be across that state line before we can get him.

I'm doing the best I can, Mr. Burr.

Well, keep working on it.

Maybe you can get a little more speed out of it.

I got her down on the floorboard now.

Well, he got away from us. This is as far as I can go.

I'll get him if I have to chase him through every state in the union.

Take me back to the sheriffs office.

Barker: Here you are, folks. Step right this way.

Step up and...

My mother was a lady

Seventy...

Seventy five, 80. Almost 90.

Get your tickets at the box office!

The big show is about to...

What's that, little girl?

No, I'm not the good humor man.

The big show is about to start!

Woman: One 50, center, please.

Thank you very much, lady.

Here's a seat right down in front of the elephants.

See the whole show from there.

Man: Two.

Two? Thank you very much.

There you are. One right down in front of the elephants.

Count your...

Count your change before leaving the window.

Man: Thank you.

One right in front of the elephants.

Yep, the big show is now going on!

No mistakes rectified after once leaving...

Pardon me, I'm...

Wish you fellas would...

Count your... keep your hands off my lunch, will you?

Count your change before leaving the window.

Thank you.

What are you doing there?

You don't want no trouble with the unions, do you?

Oh, I got it. I pay union wages.

Yeah, but which kind, the maxium or the minium?

"The maxium or the minium?"

You slay me.

Godfrey Daniel, what's going on here now?

What's the idea?

Oh, I'm colonel dalrymple's nephew, Chester, your new assistant.

Well, that doesn't give you the right to kiss me, does it?

Hey, you got a match?

Yeah.

Count your change before leaving the window!

Mister, don't you remember?

I'm supposed to pay you $8 a week to learn me this business.

Wait a minute. You can't do that!

Oh, yes, yes. The union says...

You keep out of this!

No, I won't keep out of it!

The union says the minium wage on assistants is 15 smacks a week!

Oh, ho, he's right. He's right.

I beg your pardon, I beg your pardon, young man.

He's quite right, 15. How much you got there?

And 10...

Fourteen dollars.

Another dollar, please.

Fifteen is right, isn't it?

Yeah, that's right. Uh, 15.14...

Have you a half a dollar?

Hey, I don't get it.

I got it, and I'm gonna keep it too.

Count your change before leaving the window.

Two four bit ducats.

Oh, thank you very much.

A 10 dollar bill.

Ten smackers, thank you very much.

There you are, that's one.

That's two.

Three.

Uh, pardon me.

Got a little pneumonia here.

Whipsnade: Two, three, four.

Come on! Step on it!

I won't walk another step.

Make him drag ya, lady. He got ya drunk.

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

You gave me a $20 bill? Did you? Ten and 10 are 20.

Count your change before leaving the window.

Now you take the Wagner act.

You take 'em. We had 'em last summer.

The worst acrobats I ever saw.

Liquor addicts!

That guy talks too much.

He counted "three, four, five" three times. Did ya hear him?

Yeah. Is it dishonest to keep it?

He'd do the same thing to us wouldn't he, if he had a chance.

Here, I'll split with ya.

One, two...

Why, there's only five dollars here.

He's doubled the bills. Look.

You mean he's crooked us?

He thinks he has. Come on.

Listen, you'll hear from me!

That's fine. Don't telegraph, write.

There's been a mistake in my change.

Ah, at long last, an honest man.

Wanna return some money?

No, I'm short!

Don't brag about it. I'm only five feet eight myself.

I mean I'm short in my money.

No mistakes rectified after once leaving the window!

You're dishonest.

"Dishonest?" meshach, shadrach and abednego!

You cheated us.

Sir, you impugn my honor.

As my dear old grandfather litvak said,

just before they sprung the trap,

he said, "you can't cheat an honest man."

"Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump."

We want what's comin' to us.

I'm gonna get it too!

You are? Oh, yeah.

You too? Yep. Come on, give it to us!

You are certainly both gonna get it.

You're welcome.

What do you mean by creating a disturbance? You can't do this.

Come on! Wait!

You big schnozzle! Get outta here!

He cheated us! "Big schnozzle," eh?

That's libelous!

Demon rum. My heart bleeds for those poor boys. Ticket?

I tell you, we're being gypped.

Yeah. It looks like it.

We do all the work, and we don't get any money.

I know. I'll have to talk to whipsnade.

Talk? Action, that's what we need.

Well, what can we do?

Well, I've been reconnoitering, see,

and I know where he keeps his money.

Charlie. So what? Huh?

Well, I wanna get my lunch hooks on it.

You stay away from that box office.

Bergen, you gotta fight fire with fire, crooks with crookery.

Oh, forget it.

Bergen? Yes?

You know, he takes a shower every day at 2:00.

I said, forget it.

Oh, all right, all right.

Just thinking, that's all.

Giddap, Napoleon.

Thank you. Step right up.

The big show is now going on! Thank you.

It's time for the sideshow, Mr. Rib steak!

"Rib steak."

You don't mean sirloin with onions by any chance, do you?

It's whipsnade!

Gimme that ticket, you lug!

Gimme that ticket, you coot!

Whipsnade: Give it to me!

You've broken my metatarsal bone!

This way, ladies and gentlemen, this way.

Right up on this platform.

The world's greatest novelty.

The pronkwonk twins!

Elwood and brentwood.

Elwood is 10 minutes older than brentwood,

and has been in a hurry ever since.

Ladies and gentlemen,

brentwood, is the smallest giant in the world,

whilst his brother, elwood, is the largest midget in the world.

They baffle science.

I tell ya, he's dishonest. Quiet.

Chief, listen to that guy lie.

Quiet, you termites flophouse.

Did you hear that? Did you hear that?

That's the last straw! That little... I'm going...

Now if you'll take one short step with me, to the next...

Upsydaisy!

Charlie: What a flopperoo!

Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen.

On this platform,

we have the great Edgar and his whispering pine,

Charlie McCarthy. They baffle science.

Are you eating a tomato, or is that your nose?

Shh! Charlie: Oh.

Very good. Very good, Charles.

You must come down with me after the show to the lumberyard,

and ride piggyback on the buzz saws.

Nobody's gonna find me after the show.

Oh, yes, they are.

You'll be hanging in my window as a venetian blind.

That makes me shudder.

Quiet, or I'll throw a woodpecker on you.

Ladies and gentlemen.

So help me, I'll clip that guy!

I'll mow him down, that's what I'll do!

Now just be quiet. Yes, well, I don't care.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, for my first experiment,

I want to call your attention to this mystic cabinet.

Mystic? Hooey!

This cabinet is entirely unprepared.

So are you.

It consists of three walls...

And a false bottom.

You can see it right down there.

Ow! You stop that!

Will you stop that? All right.

And now, this, ladies and gentlemen, is the little maharajah.

Where? No, no, you.

Me? Yes, of course.

Oh, yes, yes. How do you do?

How do you do? How do you do?

Well, hello!

Hello.

All right. Will you sit back there.

My right name is Charlie McCarthy, but I don't get any billing.

Oh, will you please sit back and let me finish this experiment?

Uh, now we'll go ahead,

and I will cause this little man to completely disappear.

You'll do what? Yes, and then reappear.

Well, you'd better. Yeah.

Bet him 8 to 5 he can't do it and I'll double cross him.

Will you please? Are you ready?

Huh? Are you ready?

For lunch? No, no, no.

The experiment. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Go ahead, buddy. Take it away.

Wait, wait, wait. What's your phone number?

Oh! Will you pull it?

All right, will you sit back? Okay.

Now we'll go...

Don't go away!

I now call upon the powers of yaga bomba. Go!

Charlie: One smoked ham, coming up.

Quiet, quiet.

And now to prove that the cabinet is empty,

and that the maharajah has disappeared,

I will force this sword right through...

Cahrlie: Not yet. Not yet.

Hurry up.

One, two...

Okay. Ouch!

And there you see for yourself.

He has gone.

And now as quickly as the bullet flies from the magic pistol,

the maharajah shall return to his throne.

Charlie: Oh, you got me!

And there he is.

What are you doing here? Hmm?

I said, "what are you doing here?"

Well, I don't know. You don't know?

No, um, Charlie set it up.

Oh, so Charlie's in back of this?

Is he?

Well, he said it would make the trick twice as good.

He did? Yeah.

Well, you've made the trick just twice as bad.

Tsk. Well, is that so? Yes.

Well, I knew it was twice as something.

Yes. Well, now will you please get out of here?

Yes, ma'am.

Charlie, will you let me down?

Charlie: Why don't you look where you're going?

Mortimer: You wanted me to...

That concludes my performance, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

The big show is now going on!

Boy: Telegram for larceny whipsnake.

Count your change before leaving the box office.

Telegram for larceny whipsnake.

Uh, street daven.

Telegram for larceny whipsnake.

Uh, messenger boy.

Thank you.

Larceny whipsnake?

Gimme that telegram.

It's not "larceny." It's Larson e.

And it's not "whipsnake." It's whipsnade.

Okay, snake, how about a tip?

I'll give ya a tip.

I'll part your hair with a wagon tongue.

It's an air raid!

Wish that was a gun. I'd shoot you deader than a mackerel!

That's what I'd do to you, you...

What's that?

Well, I guess you're satisfied.

That's what I thought.

I wanna tell ya something.

As long as you're with this show, out out those peccadilloes.

There's too much of the tomboy in you.

Get me up! Get me up! Gimme a hand!

Man: How about a ticket?

I've got a dog on my foot here!

No mistakes...

Once leaving the box office!

Get out!

No mistakes rectified!

Boss? Yeah?

It's time for your bath, sir.

How time flies.

Seems only yesterday it was Monday.

You sure runs on schedule.

Yes, I do, yes, I do, yes.

Don't open that door till I come back.

I can hear the bell.

Hey, boss. Huh?

Just wanna tell ya the sword swallower's got tonsillitis.

Can't go on.

Tears of falstaff.

I haven't swallowed a sword in 20 years.

I'm taking on the personality of a Mexican jumping bean.

First the contortionist gets rheumatism.

Then the sword swallower gets tonsillitis.

Hope nothing happens to that fan dancer.

Till I get rid of this cold, anyway.

What is that?

Ah, c'est bon.

That's what you say in French.

Perfume de la mountain goat.

Come on, queenie.

Let go of that provender and give.

Give, queenie!

Give, queenie! Come on!

Good girl!

Hold it in your trunk a little while longer this time.

Kinda heat it up a bit.

I'd rather have two girls.

At 21 each.

Than one girl at 42.

Enough!

Gimme a towel.

These towels aren't big enough to dry your face on.

Maybe you better use less water.

Quite an idea.

Uh-huh.

Look out, boss, look out. Look out! Look out!

What is it? Those ladies.

Oh. I thought those cassowaries got loose again.

You better put on your robe before you catch cold.

Yeah. Thanks.

Thank you.

Uh-oh.

Uh-huh and uh.

Charlie: Forty cents and five makes 45.

Five more makes half a buck. Whoo!

Money, money, money, money.

Beautiful whipsnade money.

Help!

Charlie: Help, Bergen! Help, help, help!

Charlie?

Have you seen Charlie? No.

Charlie?

Have you seen Charlie? No. I haven't.

Charlie?

Bergen! Bergen!

Blacaman! Blacaman! Blacaman!

The lions have got Charlie!

Poor Charlie.

Well, that's that.

Charlie: Bergen! Bergen!

Help! Help!

Charlie? Charlie?

Well, it's about time you got here.

Well, which one are you in?

Charlie: How do I know? Get me out of all of them.

Blacaman!

Well, how did you get in there?

Charlie: Don't change the subject.

How do I get out?

Charlie's in one of these animals.

Charlie: Ah, come on, boys.

I'm just north of his liver.

Oh, oh, my.

Charlie: Come in.

Will you fellas help him?

We'll have you out in a minute, Charlie.

Charlie: Yeah, all right. I wish I had a flashlight.

Okay. Oh.

Ah. Easy, boys, easy.

What are you doing, dancing or wrestling?

Easy, boys. Easy, boys.

Charlie: Easy. Oh.

Oh.

Ah, ah! Ah, daylight.

Oh, blackie, old boy. Boy.

Wait a minute, blackie. My foot's caught on a tonsil.

Open it up! Open up!

Open it up! Open up!

Ah! Oh, don't do that, blackie. Leave it open.

Get me outta here. Get me outta here.

Oh, you dog you!

Oh.

Oh, dear. Oh. Oh.

You'll be all right in a few minutes.

I never want to go through anything like that again.

Oh, excuse me, blackie.

You'll be all right. Yeah.

Pay attention.

Yeah, well, I didn't go in there.

Whipsnade threw me in.

Whipsnade? Yeah.

That goes double, the snake.

Yes. You say whipsnade threw you in?

Yes, he did.

Why? I don't know.

I'm innocent. Innocent.

Yes. Charlie?

Charlie, look at me. What?

Have you been in that box office again?

Uh... yes. Yes, I have.

Haven't I told you...

Yeah, but I didn't get anything.

Oh, but whipsnade caught you.

Yes, he did. Yes.

What did you say?

I told him he owed us money and that I wanted action.

Mmm. And?

And believe me, I certainly got it.

Have you seen those things? Oh!

You'll be all right now.

Well, Charlie, this has gone far enough.

Uh. You mean we can pack up?

Well, we'll pack after the next performance.

Oh, thank you. Let's get outta here.

You know, my life ain't worth a dime.

Men: Goin' to work all night.

Goin' to work all day.

Makes no difference what the boss man say.

Ya ain't gonna get no pay.

Break it up, break it up.

Say, who's the head ubangi around here?

The head what? The head igorote.

You ain't by chance referring to one of us little colored boys, are you?

No, I'm referring to the head ubangi.

I wanna tell him how to make an easy five dollars.

Oh, you mean the head ubangi!

The head igorote!

Uh, look here. Yeah. I assumes that portfolio.

All you gotta do is hold an apple on your head.

Oh, that's easy.

I bound around the ring on a wild percheron stallion.

Then I take my 404 elephant gun and I try to...

I try to shoot an apple off your head.

Somebody's been foolin' with that, yeah.

What are you looking around there for? There's nobody there.

There must be. You ain't talkin' to me.

Yeah. I'll tell you what to do.

Get a dozen or two apples,

because I may miss eight or nine...

Hey, haille!

Act nonchalant.

Ladies and gentlemen!

The next act on the program is buffalo Bella,

the only bearded lady sharpshooter in the world!

Here he comes now. Here he comes. Okay.

Help yourself to popcorn. The rocks are in the box

What is all this mumbling?

Uh, just singing. That's all, singing.

Shh. Singing, singing.

All right. All right. It's okay.

Come on, Pegasus!

Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the largest shetland pony in the world.

Come on, Pegasus!

Okay, ready, ready.

Re... re... uh-uh, uh-uh-uh.

What, ready what? That's his name, red.

Oh. That's his name.

Shooting glass balls while perched on the back

of a wild percheron pony!

And name rhymes with aim.

And let her go.

Oh, a bull's-eye!

Evidently a ubangi in the fuel supply.

Oh... ahem!

Hi... hide it.

Enjoying it?

Yes, yes, thank you. He's very clever, isn't he?

Yes, he is. He seldom misses. What?

Oh, I mean... he hasn't hit anything yet.

What do you mean? Uh, quiet, quiet, stranger, stranger.

What's that? I don't know the kid. I don't know whose he is.

Oh, hi-Dee ho-Dee. Better ioadee

I wish to reiterate,

whilst bounding around the ring on this wild percheron...

The coast is clear.

Oh, where there's smoke there's fire.

I'd feel more rosy.

If you'd hit him on the nosy.

Oh, zasu za...

Uh-oh!

Scram, kid. Scram, scram!

That, ladies and gentlemen, concludes my performance.

Oh!

I bagged a covey of acrobats!

I beg your pardon, miss. Huh?

Can you tell me where I can find whipsnade?

Uh... no.

My name's shickelgruber. Gretchel shickelgruber.

Better known as buffalo Bella.

I thought buffalo Bella was a bearded lady.

Uh, yes. I just came from the barbershop.

Oh, he gave me such a close shave, I feel naked.

Hey, uh, come here. Come here.

Wait a minute. No, wait.

I wanna tell you something.

I used to be one of the shickelgruber sisters.

Remember the shickelgruber sisters? High and lofty tumbling?

No, no, no. Slack wire?

Say, listen. Ground tumb...

Would you like to make a few honest dollars for yourself?

Do they have to be honest?

I bought up the credit accounts of this circus,

and I'm in control of the situation.

Now, I'd like to buy up your ious for 10 cents on the dollar.

When I own the circus, I'll make you the star, give you half interest,

and we'll rename it "buffalo Bella's wild west."

Won't that be ducky! Oh, that would be wonderful!

Say, are you interested in any other man?

I'm not the girl you take me for, you badems, you!

You badems!

You old badems! And you, too.

You badems, you! Ouch!

You badems!

I'm gonna take your watch and put my picture in it!

I'll be back sometime, maybe.

Hello there, miss Victoria! How are ya?

Fine, Ernie, thanks.

You're quite a stranger around here.

That's not my fault.

Hello, bill. Hi, Henry. Miss Victoria.

Murph! Gonna pass me right up, were you?

Why, miss Vicky, I never knowed ya.

Oh, I'll forgive you if you tell me where dad is.

I reckon he oughta be in the sideshow by now. Fine. See ya later.

Let go! Let go, I tell ya!

Oh, it's you. Not another cent.

You kids are disgusting!

Staggering around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

Come here! I don't want it for candy! What?

My little dog died!

Your dog died? Well, I don't care.

Come here!

Your elephant stepped on him and squashed him!

My elephant stepped on your dog and squashed him? Where is he?

I shoved him under the door!

You shoved him under the door. Ah, that's disgusting!

Here. Here's a quarter. Buy another dog.

It ain't enough!

I want a big dog!

A big dog will bite you. Now go ahead, get away from...

No!

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.

Go ahead. Go ahead and buy your dog.

Wait a minute! That's your dog, isn't it?

I guess he got better. Yeah, I guess he did.

Gimme back that money! Come here!

What's this?

Heh? Oh, ho, ho, ho. Nothing's lost.

Everything's okay.

Fortunate for you, you got a dress on, or I'd bust ya in the nose.

And now you can see for yourself.

He has gone. But as quickly as the bullet flies from this magic pistol,

the maharajah will return.

Charlie: You missed me a mile.

And there he is. Man: Where?

Well, I, uh... My friend,

we must not attempt to understand the supernatural.

But at least he has disappeared.

Are there any questions?

Charlie: Yeah. How do you get outta here?

Charlie, right here. Charlie.

Oh, where are you? In front.

Oh, Bergen, you don't know what I've been through.

Well, now, come out of there. Well, I can't come out.

Well, why not? I'm caught on a nail.

No, you're not. Yes, I am. Come in and I'll show you.

Charlie, come on out here.

Will you stop this monkey business? Why?

We have to go on with the next trick. What trick?

Well, it's where I saw you in two. Oh, that oughta be...

You do what? Oh, no, you don't. Charlie. Charlie.

Will you come out of there? I'm not here.

Yes, you are. I'm in conference.

Say, whose idea was that? Whipsnade's?

Yes. Yeah, that's enough. Goodbye.

Charlie! Charlie! Um, let go, berg...

Hey, rube! Charlie!

No! He stuck a knife in me!

Eh, he stuck a...

Who's that? That's Princess baba.

Ba wa? No, baba.

Goo goo. No. Princess baba. She's my new assistant.

She is? Mine, too? Certainly.

She holds your head in the next trick.

She does? Yes.

Well, what are you keeping me in here for? Well, you said that...

Oh, come, come, come. This is no time for small talk. Let's get outta here.

All right. Oh, I didn't know.

How do you do? How do you do?

You will be careful, won't you, baba?

Yes, my little lamb.

Oh, baa-baa, I wanna be your black sheep.

Huh? Oh, excuse me. For my next experiment,

I will saw the little maharajah in half.

Yup, I'm a victim of saw-cumstances!

Charlie? Look at me. Huh? I'm busy.

Charlie... Scram. Will you scram?

Don't be afraid.

Promise me it won't hurt?

I promise.

Well, anything for science.

Okay, Bergen. Yes. Sleep, sleep.

Say, what is this?

Oh. You're in a trance. Huh?

He's says I'm in a trance.

Charlie, I've got a good mind to...

Why don't you use it? Now listen, Charlie.

Oh, I know what you want. Do it again. All right.

Sleep. Yeah. He... uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oh!

If you please, Princess.

Owl

Bergen: The box is made of solid oak.

Come in.

Watch this razor-sharp steel saw

tear its way through the body of the little man.

Ohhh! Don't worry. I'm here.

Yes, but dash it all, I'm here.

Bergen: Just ignore him. Hmph! Bounder.

La di da la di da

seesaw Marjorie daw

Do you feel any pain? Just hunger pains, that's all.

Hmm. Cut right through my breakfast.

You see the little man is perfectly normal, so we shall proceed.

We are now passing through the state of indigestion.

Ah, that did it.

I now separate the two halves to prove to you

that there is absolutely no connection nor deception.

If you please, Princess.

"Ah, parting is such sweet sorrow." Shakespeare.

In spite of his condition, the little man retains all his faculties.

I command you, move your feet.

Where? Over there.

Are those my tootsies? Yes.

Gee!

Move your feet.

Move the feet.

Who, me? No, no.

No, not you.

Well, I didn't know. Charlie said that...

Oh, no!

How long have you been with the circus? Bergen: What?

Too long. In fact, we were... Quiet, quiet.

Don't pay any attention to him.

Oh, it was a very nice performance.

Thank you very much.

Bergen.

It's a pleasure to work for such a lovely audience.

Thank you. Did you really enjoy it?

Oh, it was splendid. Oh.

Yeah, my name is Charlie McCarthy. What's yours? Vicky.

Oh, that's cute. Charlie.

Oh, Vicky, Mr. Bergen. Bergen, Vicky.

How do you do? How do you do?

You know, ventriloquism has always fascinated me.

It has? Mmm.

Well, I'll be glad to explain it for you.

Well, I'd love to know, but really, I must find my... oh, please stay.

It'll just take a minute.

Yeah. Oh, yes. Well, um, ventriloquism...

It starts here and goes up here.

And it comes out here. It comes out there, yes.

Tell me, how do you talk without moving your lips?

Oh, now you're asking quite a bit.

You're asking the wrong man. He's noticed it, too.

Your, uh, your voice isn't double-jointed, is it?

Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

Eh, it's, uh...

Well, may I have your hand?

Now, you can feel the muscles contract in my vocal cords.

Vocal cords? Uh, oh, yes.

Yes. Like this.

You're lovely. Did that come out of me? Hmm?

I'm a little confused, I guess. He's talking... yes.

Uh, can you throw your voice just anywhere?

Oh, certainly. Yes.

Won't you sit down? Move over.

Yeah, but how 'bout the packing? Later on. Forget it.

Forget... that's what I thought. I knew this would come.

Now, if you'll move your lips, I can make you talk.

Are you ready? Ready.

What is your name, little girl?

Vicky.

Now you know how foolish I feel.

Isn't it silly?

Would you meet me after the show? Oh, now...

Just move your lips. I'll do the talking.

Will you meet me after the show? I...

I'll be glad to.

Perfect. Now that completes our first lesson.

Are there any questions? Yeah. Am I intruding?

You certainly are.

Man: Hey, whipsnade!

Hey, are you whipsnade?

Weinstub? No, no, no, whipsnade. Whipsnade, you know.

Ah, ya dump stoop! Ja!

Ja, you go away. I break your throat.

And break my foot at the same...

Bergen: I think we can do better if we start over again.

Vicky: Yes. Charlie: So do I. Let's go.

You stay out of it. Oh, okay, okay.

Are you ready? Ready.

What's your name, little girl? Whipsnade: Vicky!

Oh, dad, darling.

I guess we'll pack now, huh?

Uh, what were you doing talking

to the unholy two over there?

Oh, I just stopped to catch their act. They're marvelous, dad, really.

Yeah? Oh, you were fortunate in acquiring their services.

It will be fortunate if we don't attend their services.

You have to catch us first, you big... quiet.

"Have to catch us first." Can you imagine that? I hate him.

Horse face. Let go of me.

Why, dad? He's nice. Oh, uh, let's go this way.

Won't be interrupted.

By the way, tell me all about Phineas and yourself.

Uh, why didn't he come along with ya?

I say why didn't, uh...

Why didn't he come along with ya? Oh.

I can't figure it out. Eh, what?

Oh, nothing. Oh. Yeah.

I must read up on evolution sometimes.

Well, it doesn't seem right.

You mean we're not gonna quit?

Well, it wouldn't be fair to Mr. Whipsnade to leave like this.

Why, you... you...

Oh, I get it. I get it.

She... she is beautiful, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

But of course, that had nothing to do with my decision.

Oh, no, no! You said you were gonna quit, and now you...

Listen, Charlie. Don't talk to me!

Don't you want to meet her younger sister?

Women and business don't mix, and I...

Has she got a younger sister?

Yes, and lovely too.

Oh, oh. Hmm.

I'm beginning to see your point now.

That's why I say we shouldn't be too hasty.

No. Let's not do anything we'll be sorry for.

Exactly. You're right.

It wouldn't be fair to Mr. Whipsnade

or his daughters.

Catch on? Yes.

How's everything going, dad? Oh, fine, dear.

Last night, they were packed in so tightly,

they couldn't applaud that way,

they had to applaud this way.

Let me do that for ya. Oh, thank you, dear, yeah.

You need someone to take care of you.

Ah, quite the antithesis.

My little plum.

I was hoping you'd let me come stay with you.

Oh, no, dear. No, dear.

I couldn't break that promise to your dear old mother.

Don't want you kids with the circus. And another thing,

what's happened to that young squirt

that Phineas tells me you're running around with?

Oh, I'm still going with him.

If he's very rich, why don't you marry him?

What about you, dad?

Now, dear, nobody can ever take your mother's place.

Besides, the circus is doing great business.

I don't owe a cent.

Salaries all paid up to date. I want my money!

What? I want my money!

Pardon me, dear. All right, Mr. Pronkwonk. Go right ahead.

Be right back, dearest.

Got change for a $100 bill? No!

That's fine.

I offer you your salary and you haven't change.

That's sabotage.

All I want's my salary.

Glutton.

Yes, indeedy. Yes, indeedy.

You'll get your celery and olives and mustard too.

I'll be right back in a minute, dear. Yes, right back.

Let go of me, will ya?

Mr. Wipesnood!

Wipesnood?

It's windshade. Uh...

Whipsnade. Whipsnade, yes.

Yes, whipsnade.

Sir, the ventriloquist has got a tent full of ofays.

He can't go on. Why not?

He's got the Hiccups.

Got the hiccups?

Tell him I'll be right over.

Yes, sir.

Don't touch that drawer.

What is it, a holdup?

No. We were trying to cure our Hiccups.

I'm afraid I can't go on.

Here. Gimme this.

Oh, don't touch me! Grubs' winter quarters!

Why don't you sandpaper that whiffletree?

Got a splinter in my finger again.

That's good. Listen, Charlie.

- Remember, he's the boss. - I don't Care.

Someone has to go On.

- Well, let him monkey around with... - Oliver.

Yes, you can have Oliver.

Very good. I'll take Oliver.

Here. Put it at my pitch. I'll be right up there.

That reminds me. I must order cracked crab for dinner tonight.

We certainly fooled him, huh?

Yes. Let's hurry up and get our clothes changed. Vicky's waiting.

Oh, is she? Yes.

Is her sister with her?

Who? Her sister.

Oh, has Vicky a sister?

Oh, yes. Yes, she has a lovely...

What's that? Why, you said she did! Oh, I'm sorry about that.

I had to do that.

Why, you double-crosser, you!

You, you, you, you cad!

You, you, you... whipsnade!

A little castle in the air.

Unusual place for a rendezvous.

Unusual but exclusive.

I'll let you in on a secret.

When I was a little girl traveling with dad's circus,

this was always my favorite hideaway.

Ooh.

By any chance, did your father ever find you up here?

Ooh, many times. He did?

Let's get outta here!

It's all right. I think we're safe with Charlie as our lookout.

I don't think we can count on Charlie. He's acting very disagreeable today.

I don't have to come up here to be insulted, thank you.

Oh, Charlie, what's the matter?

Have I said something to hurt your feelings?

No, it's all right. It's just a certain thing.

He's sulking because I told him you had a sister.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, follow me to this platform.

We have the great... keep on going. I have it. Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, special announcement.

On this platform, the great whipsnade,

ventriloquist extraordinaire.

He will be assisted by his little friend, Oliver.

Ladies and gentlemen,

whipsnade the great!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I thank you for this mental and silent reception.

Mr. Whipsnade?

Yes, Oliver?

May I ask you a conundrum?

Why, certainly, Oliver. Go right ahead, ask me. What is it?

Mr. Whipsnade, why is a cat's tail like a long journey?

I don't know, Oliver.

Why is a cat's tail like a long journey?

Because it's "fur" to the end.

Because it's...

Ladies and gentlemen, what do you think of that?

Drinking and singing simultaneously.

It baffles science.

Proceed, Oliver.

His heart was set on becoming a banker

and wearing a high silk hat.

How did you come to join the circus?

Well, I was a dignified college teacher.

One day I dropped my dignity and flew the Coop.

Must be fun working with dad, though.

Oh!

Yes, there is dad, isn't there?

You can say that again.

You like him, don't you?

Talk yourself out of that one.

Well, he must have some fine qualities.

After all, you're his daughter.

Maybe she takes after her mother.

Oh, quiet! You're a lookout.

So why don't you keep quiet and look out?

Aye, aye, sir, but you look out.

And he treated rich and poor alike

and it wasn't long before.

He had accumulated nearly a thousand dollars in his own right.

Away, boy, you draw flies.

Then he charged him five hundred dollars and told him that was.

Practically nothing.

He returned to the village.

To see his old sweetheart.

She looked oily through the imitation lace curtains.

She'd gained a...

Pounds in the ten years he'd been away.

Dad means a lot to me.

Whenever I'm upset or things don't go well, I run right to him.

He's the one person I can always count on.

Well, now, wait a minute. You can count on me.

I know, Edgar.

I'm grateful for your loyalty.

Loyafiy?

Is that what you call it?

What should I call it?

Well, if you ask me, I call it mush.

Well, I didn't ask you. Well, I told you anyway.

Why don't you keep quiet?

Oh, why don't you tell her you love her and quit beating around the balloon?

Well, that's enough of that. Well, I'm hungry.

Whoop, I dropped something.

Hope it didn't hit anybody, except one.

Calico dress...

Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes my performance.

Whipsnade: I'll cleave him.

Barker: Two bells and two cigars!

Two bells and two cigars!

What did you do? Hit five...

Jiggers, jiggers, jiggers!

No, no, no!

Want to make an easy $5?

Sure. I want you to chop some wood for me.

Follow me. Sure.

I can't understand why that fellow hit us.

Yeah. Gee, he didn't even give me a chance to insult him.

I just opened my eye, and a fist flew in.

Must have been a mistake.

Yeah, sure, sure.

You know what I think? I smell a rodent, and I do mean whipsnade.

Oh, I don't think he would do anything like that.

Bergen, don't be so naive.

Victoria dear,

some weasel

took the cork out of my lunch.

Then a iumpoc comes along

and spills it all over the place.

I was fit to be tied. I...

Honestly, dad, you and your iumpoc...

He might be in here. Yeah.

I'll tell you what. You go around, and I'll go through.

Yeah, we'll bottle him up.

There, that's the last dab.

Yeah, and I resents every dab.

You do? Well, forget it. Yeah. Yeah.

Want to look at yourself? I don't care how I look.

Oh, you look very cute.

I don't... I don't care, I don't...

Doggone, is that me?

Well, shut my mouth!

Say, you know, I do look kind of cute.

Yes, you do.

You little rascal you. Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!

Charlie: Yeah, sweet... uh-oh.

Here comes old rubber nose.

Hide your gold teeth.

Hello, Edgar. Oh, hello.

Hello, Charles, my little eggplant.

Yeah, hello.

Little nipper have his napper out the window last night

as we went through the tunnel?

Yeah. That ain't funny. I'm blacked up.

Oh, he's got a mouse... why, you have a mouse on your eye also.

Yeah, and we know the rat who did it too.

Yes, he certainly earned his...

My heart bleeds for the little chap.

Hey, you. Seen whipsnade around here?

Huh? Whipsnade!

Fat fellow with a big red nose.

Yeah. Ah-ya-ya-ya-ya!

Come in, sheriff. I think we can help y'all.

Hoeing in the cotton and the corn

the corn...

Yes.

What's it worth to you if I point out whipsnade?

I'll give you $5 if you point him out.

Five doll... Ah, my little magnolia twig,

here's the $10 I owe you.

Just happened to think of it.

Well, thank you, Mr... Huh?

Thank you, Mr...

Pardon me. I've got a cough.

You wouldn't give 20, would you?

Charles! I want you to hold my hat until I return.

Oh! Oh! Let me outta here.

I'm blind.

Hey, boss. Don't call me "horse."

Now, be the loving, little pickaninny you've always been.

Show these gentlemen around the circus.

They want to find Mr. Whipsnade,

the entrepreneur. Entrepreneur?

Yes, yes, quick, quick, quick, quick. Come, come, come.

Oh, right this way. Gentlemen, he'll show you.

Nothing to worry about. He'll show you just where to go.

I don't care, I got ten bucks out of it. Yes, he'll show you.

I got... give me my money, you rat! Give it to me!

No! No! Sheriff! Sheriff!

Shut up!

Hesa "c anabo"|

sheriff! Mr. Sheriff, he's got my hat too.

Get him, Bergen! Get him!

All right. All right. Here, queenie, some elephant's caviar.

Take it or leave it.

My hat! Give, queenie!

Cease, queenie! Cease, queen!

Missed him, darn it.

Thank you, Charles.

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

I'm innocent, so help me.

Yes, I suppose it was the whine through the whispering pines

that said, "give, queenie!"

Cease, queenie! Cease, queen!

You shouldn't say, "give, queenie!"

Cease, queenie! Cease, queen!

Red nose! Get him, sheriff!

Can't fool us any longer, whipsnade. Take it.

Stand clear!

This circus is attached, and I'm serving you with this summons.

Served it on him that time.

You haven't served me. You served queenie.

Hey, you'll pay for this!

Obstructin' justice! Yeah?

Yeah, we'll come back with a paper that will put you in jail where you belong!

Well, that's fine. If I'm not here, don't wait for me.

Wait a minute, please.

How much is the circus in debt?

$3,500. Why?

I just wanted to know. Thank you.

Oh!

What? You...

You will?

Oh, Vicky darling,

you've made me he happiest person in the world.

We'll make it Saturday night.

Fine.

Well, good-bye, darling.

Oh!

Robinson, I'm going to be married!

Very good, sir. Your tea.

No!

Father, father, I'm going to get married!

Why?

Woman: I had to stand there while she talked.

Now I can understand what caused the separation.

She's one of those women who never stop talking.

Mother! Mother! Roger,

mother is talking. How did she look?

Oh, well, I'm not the kind of woman who wants to talk about anyone,

but her hair... mother, I'm going to get married.

Really? How nice. Well, girls, it...

Married, did you say? Saturday night.

Saturday? Oh, that'll be lovely.

We're having the party anyway.

Of course, you're all coming. Well, dear, this dress was atrocious.

Woman: I hear she waits for all the sales.

That's not the only thing she waits for.

Really, you would be shocked.

Roger?

Roger!

Isn't that like the silly boy? He forgot to tell me

who he's marrying, or did he?

No, he didn't. Well, Mrs. Smythe...

Whipsnade: Big show is now going on!

The big show is now going on!

The big show is now going on! The big show...

Yes, lady. Children half price.

Main entrance right over to the left. Thank you.

What a pity your dear mother isn't here to share this joy with us, dear.

She's the first woman to ever wear jodhpurs

with an evening basque.

She carried a riding crop at the same time.

She hit me over the head with it once.

Thought I was flirting with one of the girls in the show.

There was nothing to it, though.

She would have been the cynosure of all eyes at your wedding.

Excuse me, dad. I want to go over and see Edgar and Charlie before I go.

Ah... they're waiting for me over at the balloon.

Oh, well, all right, dear. I'm going there now.

You pack here. I'll bring 'em back with me.

All right. I'll be right back with 'em.

I'll bring 'em both here.

Oh, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky. All I hear is Vicky.

Well, Charlie, don't you understand?

Yeah, I get it.

Love, huh? Yes, Charlie,

I think it's really happened this time.

Poor boy, poor boy.

Well, Charlie, you could help me.

All right, I will.

But if I'm nice to whipsnade, which is asking plenty...

Yes?

And you propose to Vicky...

Yes? And she turns you down...

Well... then will you quit?

Of course. Then there'll be nothing to stay for.

Okay, it's a deal. All right.

And you will be sweet to whipsnade.

I'll be more than sweet. I'll be sickening.

I see.

I'll even go so far as...

Uh-oh. Speak of the polecat and there he is.

Good afternoon, Charles,

my night-blooming Jasmine.

My nostrils quiver at your pungent aroma.

Oh, thank you. That's quite a compliment.

Considering the size of his nose.

You know, Mr. Whipsnade Charlie and I were just saying that

we should forget this ill feeling between us.

III feeliln? G I have never been conscious of any quibblings.

Oh, that's fine, isn't it?

Yes, I hope.

We know beneath your rough exterior

there beats an honest and tender heart. Nice going.

Oh, thank you, thank you, Edgar.

I'll top it.

We think you're the softest hard-boiled egg in the world.

How's that? Oh, thank you, Charles.

Thank you for those sweet pretties.

You know Bergen is that way about Vicky.

Oh, yes? Yes, I...

He's waiting to propose to her now.

Yes, I have hopes of being your son-in-law.

In youth, hope Springs eternal.

At the mere mention of her name, he rises to ethereal heights.

That's what I had in mind!

Help! Help! Help!

Give my ethereal respects to St. Peter.

Somebody, help! Help! Help! Help!

How...

We're loose! Help! Help! Help! Help!

Drat!

Help! Help!

We're loose! Help!

Oh!

Get out! Gangway!

Dad, what on earth?

Where's Edgar and Charlie? They've taken a run-out powder on us!

I understand on very good authority

they have absconded with our balloon.

Come on. Let's go.

Dad, I can't believe it.

No, it's incredible.

But as grandma litvak used to say, never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

Come on, let's... let's go. Watch yourself. Come on!

Oh!

Look, Charlie. Why, he did it on purpose.

I agree with you.

Do you suppose he resented the idea of my being his son-in-law?

Yeah, well, from where I am now, I'd say, yes.

I know you're going to be very happy, Vicky.

Dad...

Come on, now, be brave. Be brave.

You know, getting married is like buying a new horse

or going into a strange saloon, sometimes...

It's not that, dad. I...

I'll see you tonight, dad. All right, dear.

Good-bye.

He certainly separated us from terra... ooh!

You're not scared, are you?

Bergen, this is neither the time nor place for lying.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Do something! Ooh!

What was that? What was that? We hit something!

We hit... no, no.

What was that? Oh.

Probably an air pocket.

Yeah, a pocket has a bottom in it.

Oh! Oh! That's gotta stop.

What? Oh! That's no good.

That's gonna do it. What's the matter, Charlie?

I'm gettin' seasick.

You mean airsick?

What's the difference? I'm sick.

I don't know what to do.

I do! Hold me!

Just throw me out, Bergen.

Oh! Hang on tight! Hang on...

Ooh! Ouch! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Hey! What are you doing here?

I'm a stowaway. A stowaway?

Yeah. Wh y?

I don't know. Charlie said...

Oh, come on.

Fine sort of thing. All right, all right.

What's the matter?

There's plenty the matter. We're in a free balloon.

Free? Don't nobody own it?

Oh, no. What I mean is we're in a runaway balloon.

Oh, a runaway. Let her run.

It's untied.

Yeah? Well, why don't you tie her up again?

Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Guess you waited too long, huh?

Yes, you might say that.

Where's the rope?

That's just it. It's been cut.

Been cut? Yes.

What's holding us up?

Well, the gasbag is.

Gasbag? Yeah.

Gasbag. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

What holds the gasbag up?

Well, gas holds it up. Yeah?

Gas is lighter than air, and that's why we rise.

That's the principle of a balloon.

Tsk. No! Yes.

Gas lighter than air, the principle of a balloon. Yes.

No, I don't think it'll work.

Oh, of course it'll work. It's not ordinary gas.

Oh!

No good for cooking. No!

Will you cut it out, Mortimer?

What's the matter? You want a pork chop, Charlie?

What's he sulking about?

Oh, never mind that. The important thing is,

how are we going to get down?

Well, let's see.

I could climb up on top of the bag and push it down.

Oh, no. No?

How can you be so ignorant?

Well, tsk, it ain't easy.

No!

Hang on, boys! Hang on!

Help!

The balloon can't stand this strain.

Oh, well, neither can I.

We'll have to jump.

Jump? Man, you'll kill yourself.

Well, I have a seat pack here.

What good is that? Well, it'll save our life.

That little cushion? Yes!

Yeah? Well, throw it out.

But you gotta be pretty smart to land on it.

Oh, you're as bad as Mortimer. This is a parachute.

Oh, a parachute.

Yeah. Yeah.

It'll open up.

Yeah, you hope.

Yes, well, are you jumping or are you staying?

Yeah, well, I'll, uh... I'll, uh... I'll, uh...

What are you going to do? I'm going to jump.

Yeah. Yes.

Okay, we're jumping. All right, then. That's what I wanted to know.

Now, hang on, we'll be ready to go in a minute.

A tisket, a tasket I'm singin' in the basket.

Like a little birdy.

I'm flyin' through the sky. The sky, the sky.

All right. Here we go.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa, boy, whoa.

Aren't you jumping, Mortimer?

No, I like it up here.

He would, the sap. I'm sentimental.

Well, open up that thing now. All right, I tell you, first we jump,

count five... yeah.

And then we pull this ring.

Oh, boy. It's getting more complicated all the time, isn't it?

Five! Five, five, five!

One... five!

No, keep quiet. Two... five!

Three. Whoa!

It don't mean a thing if you don't pull that string.

Five, five, five, five! All right, five.

Oh, boy.

See, you were all scared about nothing.

Oh, who was scared?

Say that umbrella won't turn inside out, will it?

No, no, I tell you, there's nothing more to worry about.

All right, I don't worry, Bergen. You know me. Ha, ha, ha!

Yeah. There's one thing to remember now. Yeah?

When we strike the ground, pull your knees up.

Yeah. I know all about that.

That's so you won't break a leg.

Yeah, well, that's logical... What's that?

Oh! Oh! Oh, please! Oh!

It's all right...

Oh, I can't see!

Jump for your life, Kelly.

Here comes one!

Vicky: Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Get those drunks! Vicky: Get this thing off my head.

Hey, what's the matter here?

Please, please!

Lady, there's nothing I can do.

But I've got to get out of here.

It's a free country.

It was all my fault. You can let her go.

You have to wait until the judge gets here.

You said that an hour ago.

And I'll say it again!

Cossack.

What's that?

You shouldn't talk that way to this gentleman.

Then can I use your telephone?

You'll have to wait until the judge... Until the judge gets here.

Huh? No? All right.

Oh, mayor, mayor, I want you to stand here during the ceremony.

If you come up here, everybody. It'll soon be...

Roger? Where's Roger? Roger! Oh, yes, mother, yes.

Roger, now, I want you and Victoria to walk along here, see.

Here comes...

Where is Victoria? She's late.

Late? But she can't be late at her own wedding.

Don't get excited, my dear. Oh, who's getting excited?

Don't stand here, everybody. They'll soon be here, you know.

Did you want to see me?

Yes, I did.

On account of your unimpeachable integrity and business perspicacity...

You know what that is, don't ya?

That's fine. On account of that,

I'm going to leave you in charge of the circus tonight

whilst I go over to pasimicoy and announce my daughter's marriage.

If anybody comes around here and asks for me,

you just say, um, he's around the place somewhere.

You can remember that, can't ya?

Well, what are you gonna say to them if they come around and ask for me?

That's okay. That's even better.

I'll be back in time to get the show out of town as usual.

Stop... what are you...

Stop it, will ya?

Trouble with you, young man, is you got too much of the dictator in ya.

Here's your cape, boss.

Thanks. Give me that coat.

Don't hand it to me that way, hold it up!

So, how's the house tonight?

Biggest crowd we ever had.

That's fine. Yeah, they all belong to some kind of lodge.

Yeah, getting lodge members now.

Yeah, the, uh, lapel pullers.

Lapel pullers? Never heard of 'em.

They just do that and walk right in.

Oh, they're coppers. Give me my cape.

I just gave it to you.

Give it... where is it?

I don't...

There it is! Give it to me!

I hate you.

I'll cleave you to the ground, the both of you,

if you start a mutiny around me.

What happened to the boy that held the apple on his head tonight?

Whipsnade: I shot a little low.

Hit him right down there in the abdomen.

Yes.

Yes. Don't ask so many questions.

Sheriff, over here.

Okay. Look at the gas and oil? Come on, queen.

Stop that man! Stop that man.

Stop that man in the chariot!

Don't let that man in the chariot get away!

Hey, sheriff, you go back and get your men. I'll get the car.

Victoria will be here very soon.

We're just waiting for her. Mrs. Bel-goodie,

I'm sure she'll be here any moment.

You see, she's motoring down with father.

Father?

Whoa, queen!

Here, take over these reins, groom.

Wait a minute.

That's a funny place to have a doorknob.

I get it.

There you are, okay.

Your card, sir.

Card? I don't need a card.

Wherever people speak a civilized tongue,

the name of whipsnade is a household word.

Take it or leave it.

Well, well.

What a wickiup.

Huh? Oh

well, just once more, please. Ring them once more, please.

Well, well... wait a minute.

Give me a break on the advertising. Just a little break.

Put it up this way. Very modest.

Just in black and white, no colors.

Put it over there.

Whipsnade: Where's the bar?

Phineas, my son! This is the proudest moment of my life.

I'm glad to see you too, dad.

What a wickiup they have. Where's the mob? Shh!

They're in there, dad. Quiet.

Where's Vicky? She'll be here in half a tick. She's primping up.

A lot of necks washed here tonight.

Wait a minute. What are you doing there? Wait a minute.

Come here, dad. I was leaving that cape there for a little advertisement.

Now, look, you know these people are society people.

I know. "The creme de la creme."

They have what they call "noblesse oblige."

We have acrobats with our circus too.

I know, but, dad, they don't know you're in the circus,

so please don't mention it.

I got a button on my lip.

I told them that you deal in wild animals.

They think you're a big game hunter.

Oh! Leave it to me. I'll explain anything if left alone.

Am I intruding?

Not at all. Roger, this is my father.

Dad, this is Roger bel-goodie, the third.

Oh, hello, rog, how are you? How do you do?

Your future son-in-law.

This is a surprise, huh?

Yes, a pretty pleasant surprise.

Where's Vicky?

She's gone down to the barbershop.

She's gotta get a permanent and a facial.

There's eight or nine men ahead of her. She'll be at least 20 minutes.

Do come in and meet the pater and mater.

Mater and pater? What's the matter with that lug? Is he stuffed?

Ah, here's the mob.

This is Mr. Whipsnade,

Vicky's, uh, parent.

I'm Vicky's paternoster.

Oh, how are you?

Oh, I feel rather poorly, thank you.

I got a little stomachache, rather a big stomachache.

I've been eating those canned cherries.

They put them in the Manhattan cocktails, you know.

Don't agree with me. Yeah, dad, you have put on a little weight...

Oh, no, no. I got a sweater under here. I always wear a sweater under these.

This is my, uh, father.

Well, well, well. Ah...

Um...

How do you do? How are you? You all right?

Your son tells me you've had quite an experience with wild animals.

Sort of a big game hunter.

Well, I had quite an experience up at lake titicaha.

Lake titicaha, the Bolivian... Dad, what time...

What time is it?

I don't know. This chain, I just got it pinned

in my vest pocket with a safety pin.

Yes, up at lake titicaca I had a wonderful experience with a rattlesnake.

Stop it. Stop it. My wife's allergic to snakes!

She is, eh? How unfortunate.

Mrs. Bel-goodie fainted?

Oh, stewed to the whiskers.

Get a doctor, quick.

As I was telling you, up at lake titicaca, this rattlesnake...

I don't know.

Probably had too much to drink.

Up at lake titicaca, this rattlesnake was imprisoned under a rock.

I took the rock, rolled it off the little fellow's back.

To show his appreciation, he followed me down to the, uh...

Followed me down to the wickiup.

We were living in a little place there.

Get her some whiskey.

Yeah, get me one too, with ginger ale on the side.

I followed the, uh... The rattlesnake followed me.

Followed me down to my shack.

What's the matter with these guys?

Followed me down to the shack...

What happened?

I don't know. Probably drinking too much.

Followed me down to the shack.

Hello. The rattlesnake followed me down to the shack.

I took my socks off and put it over the snake.

To show its appreciation, during the night, a marauder crawled in through the window.

Gosh, everybody's in a hurry.

Was there an accident? No, nothing happened at all.

The marauder crawled in through the window.

The snake, in order to...

Chinese people.

The snake, in order to show its appreciation,

sunk its teeth into the marauder's fetlocks.

Into its fetlocks and stuck its tail out the window and, uh,

rattled for a constable.

Dad! Dad! See what you've done!

What? You've ruined everything.

How?

Mrs. Bel-goodie's fainted.

Pay no attention to her. She's been drinking too much.

Gangway! Gangway! Gangway! Let me handle the situation.

I'm sorry I distressed you, honey...

"Honey"?

With that little story.

Why, some of my best friends are snakes.

This is outrageous!

Now, dad, don't you see you've gone and done it again?

I was trying to jolly them up.

Trying to make everybody feel at home.

Why don't you leave that up to Mr. and Mrs. Bel-goodie?

All right now, let's get this thing straight.

Where was the car parked?

Beside the road. Where were you?

Up in a balloon.

No wisecracks, young fellow.

Who's cracking? No, it's the truth, judge. We were up in a balloon.

Then we bailed out.

Then bail yourself out of here.

That's just the trouble, judge. We haven't any money.

Then what did you call for me for?

Come on, get them out there.

Put them back where they belong.

Go on, get out of here where you belong.

But you don't understand, judge.

I'm going to be married tonight.

Oh, you are? Yes!

You're going to be married?

I'm sorry, Edgar.

Your honor, may I leave this bracelet as security?

Well,

I guess it'll be all right.

Thank you.

Who's the lucky man?

Roger bel-goodie.

Must be a swell fellow.

He is.

I wish you luck.

Thank you, Edgar.

Well, that's that.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

Jailer: Did you get that name?

Yeah, and it beats me how a nice young girl like her

can get mixed up with a lunkhead like bel-goodie.

How'd he get out of his scrape with that maid at the country club?

Judge: Money.

Did you hear that? Yes, she's marrying for money.

Yeah! That's her privilege.

Don't you see whipsnade's in back of this?

She doesn't love the guy.

Well, what can I do? Well, stop it.

Get a gun, dynamite. Burn the house.

Oh, no, no. Well, do something.

Then, suddenly, from out of nowhere,

bang, bang! Two shots rang out in the clear home air.

Two blowouts and not a spare. Quite poetic, wasn't I?

Well, two boa constrictors who I, uh, had previously befriended

wrapped themselves around my naked rims, and off we went again.

I can't understand what's happened to Vicky.

She should have been here two hours ago.

At least she might have telephoned.

Well,

I go 300 miles

on two tires and two boa constrictors.

Get water here!

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

And they left us on the outskirts of the city.

A tow car came along

and pulled us into punxsutawney.

Ferdinand.

Lift her carefully, gentlemen.

Thanks, son. Help me carry her upstairs, please.

Carefully now.

Yeah, she's very beautiful. Oh, dad.

But don't you think she's overdoing it a bit?

Every time you look at her, she throws a dummy.

Listen, dad, I know you don't realize it,

but you're ruining Vicky and my future with those stories.

I could tell them that drummer's yarn.

No, no, no.

I could clean it up a bit.

Oh, dad.

Listen, it's not the quality of the stories.

It just is that you're talking too much.

Come on in here and sit down.

I'd rather be in here. It's cooler. Get away from those barflies.

What's that, a beaver's tail?

By the way, how is your ping-pong?

Huh?

Oh!

You speaking to me, honey?

How is your ping-pong?

Fine, how's yours? Want to make anything out of it?

Mrs. Sludge, this is my dad, Mr. Whipsnade.

Whipsnade?

Ah, that's the name, yes.

Does your father play ping-pong?

Do I play ping-pong? Do I play...

I think I didn't get you the first time.

I was one-time champion of the tri-state league and the lesser antilles.

Didn't know one card from the other when I started.

But I stayed up at night and marked them with a pen.

I am so sorry to have kept you waiting.

Oh, it's okay.

Shall I serve?

No, thanks, I've had enough. Would you like one, dear?

Ah, I'm serving.

What are you trying to do, make a drunkard out of me?

Nothing really.

Cease, cease, you rat! You crud!

This duel paddle! Quiet on the green!

Stop! Cease!

Pardon me, dear, I'm haunted. Oh, dear!

Nothing, dear.

Nothing, dear, nothing. Don't get excited!

Mind your back.

It's like a hailstorm I encountered in the dakotas.

Here!

Hold your breath, dear!

Good going.

This is getting irksome.

He's gone up my aisle! Gangway!

Disperse!

This is unethical.

Days of izaak walton.

What a game! What a racket!

Mind your back, dear.

This is the way the general used to have me

knock cannonballs back to the foe.

Look out, general, here I come!

The vulgarian!

Hello?

Dear, Archibald, get that man out of this house.

There's nobody home.

Oh!

Stop at the second floor, foreign department. Groceries and liqueurs.

Now, look here, sir. You absent yourself from this house immediately.

You pharisee! You pecksniff!

You egregious tartuffle!

Is that good or bad?

You're a fraud, a charlatan and a rogue, sir!

Is any of that in my favor?

Just a moment. You're talking to my father.

He called me a tartuffle.

What kind of a tartuffle?

Are there two different kinds? Male or female?

Dad, this is no time for levity.

This is no levity. Explain yourself.

Mother! Mother?

Calling your mother, eh?

Papa!

Will you leave my house, sir?

No, no time...

Phineas! Are you all right?

I'm so sorry... Where have you been?

The funniest thing happened... Never mind about that.

Get that father of yours out of here.

What's the matter? Everything!

Why didn't you tell me he was just a person?

That's enough now. What's the matter with my father?

Everything, he's... Common, crude, vulgar.

Right, mother. I'll sue you for defamation of character.

I've been imposed on!

I didn't ask you to marry me.

Oh, I see it now. You were just marrying me for my name, my social position!

Why, you insignificant, egotistical little...

You're speaking to a bel-goodie!

You're speaking to a whipsnade! That's right.

Why don't you get off the trapeze and come down into the sawdust

where you belong! Ooh!

Vicky, you can't talk to my mother like that!

Cease! Hold it up!

Young man, if there is such a thing as a tartuffle,

you are just that thing!

One more peep out of you and I'll give you a sound trundling.

A pummeling, a trouncing...

Unhand me, woman. A trouncing.

Whipsnade: Tartuffle, huh?

Whipsnade, your conduct is entirely reprehensible.

That's him. Gildersleeves! Great snakes!

Take her upstairs, quick! Hurry up!

Run for the grampian hills, children.

Entree into the chariot, my own flesh and blood.

Giddyap!

Oh, you dropped her!

Where are those grampian hills, dad?

I wonder, I wonder.

I guess where those swanky affairs are concerned,

I'm a square peg in a round hole.

But don't be foolish.

That was the kindest thing you've ever done for me. Yeah?

I'm in love with Edgar.

Oh, come along! Come along!

Stop at the jail!

What's that?

Stop at the jail! Yes, I will.

Yes, I will.

Oh, I guess everything has happened for the best.

No women in our lives, Charlie. No.

It's the open road for us.

Edgad

Edgar! Edgar, come on!

I didn't marry him! Did you hear that, Charlie?

Yeah. Wait for us!

Dad, edgarjust passed us. Yeah?

That's fine. We'll overtake him.

Come on there!

Come on, you hounds! Get up there!

Oh, oh, oh, boy.

It's a great race, folks. They're all headin' for the state line.

Whipsnade in front, and Vicky and Bergen are neck and neck.

Glad I'm safe up here.

Oh!