V I P S01E03 540p CTV WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264-BTN Track03 subtitles – 100+ languages (SRT)

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Original subtitles

♪[music playing]

(Tasha over radio) IT'S CRAZY OUT HERE. GET THE CLIENT IN THE LIMO.

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. DO YOUR GO TO TAE BO?

OH, THANKS. I HAVE 6 KIDS,

THAT'LL GIVE YOU A WORKOUT.

THE EAGLE HAS LANDED.

HEY, VAL, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU!

VAL, WE'RE BLOCKED IN.

SOMETHING THE MATTER?

MARIE! MARIE! IT'S ME!

MARIE, IT'S ME. TITO OSMOND, YOUR BROTHER!

WE CAN DO A NEW SHOW. I CAN DANCE.

YOU AND DONNIE CAN SING. WE CAN--

KIP LASHANE, GET LOST! YOU CREEP!

OH, IS THAT ANY WAY TO SPEAK TO A FRIEND?

VALLERY IRONS? VAL IRONS!

YOU ARE MY HEART'S PROTECTOR.

ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, YOUR PARTY'S UP!

THAT'S MY FAMILY! HEY--

WAIT A SECOND, THOSE ARE MY SISTERS.

LIMO'S STILL BLOCKED.

HEY, HEY, OK. GET ON THE BIKE.

OK, OK, OK, HEY.

ALL I NEEDED...

HEY, HEY, HEY, THAT'S MY BIKE.

(man) VAL, I LOVE YOU.

(Val) HOLD ON!

[screams]

[laughing] THAT WAS AMAZING!

WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO RIDE LIKE THAT?

WELL, FIRST TIME'S THE CHARM.

YEAH.

YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND. I GOT IN A LUCKY PUNCH.

I'M NOT A BODYGUARD.

BUT WE ARE. YOU HAVE TO BE A FIGUREHEAD.

A NAME ON THE DOOR.

YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER EVEN LEAVE THE OFFICE.

YOU'LL HELP US PULL IN THE RICH AND FAMOUS. WE'LL DO THE REST.

WE'RE PROFESSIONALS.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF ALL THE TOUGH STUFF.

SO I'LL NEVER BE IN ANY DANGER?

NEVER. NEVER.

♪ FEEL FOR ME NOW ♪

♪ I CAN'T SMELL THE AIR ♪

♪ AROUND ME ♪

♪ I WANT, CRAVE FOR YOU NOW ♪

♪ ALL YOU ARE ♪

♪ IS LUST INSIDE ME ♪

♪ HERE I CAN SET MY FOOTSTEPS ♪

♪ ONCE BEFORE YOU SIN ♪

♪ AND JUDGE THIS PLACE I'M IN ♪

♪ IT'S MY... ♪

[horn honks]

OH, LASHANE.

[cell phone ringing]

HELLO?

HEY, VAL, DID YOU SEE YOU'RE ON THE COVER OF--

(Val) YES, I DID, KAY. I SAW IT.

PLEASE DON'T SHOW ANYBODY.

I'LL NEVER HEAR THE END OF THIS

[whistles]

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE LIP LOCKER.

YOU GUYS LOOK PRETTY CUTE TOGETHER.

COULD WE JUST DROP IT, PLEASE?

ANYBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN ISN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS STUFF ANYWAY.

[phone rings]

VALLERY IRONS PROTECTION. VIP?

YES. WHAT? IT'S IAN ZIERING.

IAN ZIERING.

REALLY? OK.

WHAT VOICE DO YOU DO

ON THE BIKER MICE FROM MARS CARTOON SHOW?

I DO VINNY.

THAT'S IT. VINNY.

OH MY GOSH, IT REALLY IS YOU.

KAY, WHAT'S UP?

I THINK I'M GONNA DIE.

THIS IS IAN ZIERING FROM 9O21O.

YES, I'M HERE, IAN. SORRY.

THAT SOUNDS AWFUL.

UH-HUH. OK. GOT IT.

WHOA.

WELL? WHAT DID HE WANT?

OH, RIGHT.

HE SAYS HE'S AFRAID TO GO HOME,

WANTS US TO MEET HIM IN PALISADES PARK,

NEEDS OUR HELP. HE'S PRETTY SURE

HIS LIFE IS IN DANGER.

POOR IAN. HE SOUNDED SO DISTRESSED.

YOU CAN JUST STAY HERE AND RELAX, KAY.

NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I AM SO SORRY.

BUT 9O21O IS MORE THAN JUST A T.V. SHOW.

IT SPEAKS TO ME.

IAN'S PRETTY BLONDE CURLS GIVE ME THE SHIVERS.

YOU HAVE TO LET ME GO WITH YOU.

I LOVE 9O21O.

YOU KNOW, I'LL STAY HERE AND GUARD THE FORT.

YOU KNOW, THAT GUY NEVER REALLY DID ANYTHING FOR ME ANYWAY.

I ALWAYS LIKE THE DARK-HAIRED GUYS WITH THE SIDEBURNS.

REALLY? WHICH ONE?

THE CUTE ONE WITH THE SIDEBURNS.

THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM.

BRANDON, DYLAN, DAVID.

KAY, HELLO. YOU CAN GO WITH US, OK?

OH, THAT IS SO COOL.

WHERE IS THIS GUY?

I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.

DON'T YOU WORRY.

I CAN'T GET IAN'S BROAD SHOULDERS

AND BIG SMILE OUT OF MY MIND.

THERE HE IS.

QUICK WILLIAMS.

HELLO.

HELLO, MR. ZIERING. WE'RE V.I.P.

OH, OK.

WHERE'S VALLERY IRONS?

NEIMAN MARCUS. BLOOMINGDALES.

NEIMAN MARCUS. (Quick) BLOOMINGDALES.

VAL'S ACTUALLY--

ON SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT WITH VICE PRESIDENT GORE.

HE'S A VERY BIG SHOPPER.

WOW. SHE'S AMAZING. WHO MIGHT YOU BE?

I'M MISS IRONS' ASSOCIATE, KAY SIMONS.

SIMMONS.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU SAID YOU FEARED FOR YOUR LIFE, MR. ZIERING.

COULD YOU GIVE US SOME MORE DETAILS?

WELL, YEAH, THIS WHOLE WEEK'S BEEN A NIGHTMARE.

THIS GUY'S BEEN STALKING ME AND HE WON'T GIVE IT UP.

THIS MORNING HE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE

AND STOLE SOME OF MY CLOTHES.

WHICH ONES?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO IT IS?

YEAH. I'VE GOT A PICTURE OF HIM.

HE'S A PHOTOGRAPHER.

VAL'S CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND, KIP LASHANE.

YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

YEAH, WELL, LET'S JUST SAY WE'VE HAD A FEW RUN-INS

WITH THIS NUTCASE BEFORE.

THEN YOU KNOW HOW RELENTLESS HE CAN BE.

ALL TOO WELL.

LET'S FIND HIS CAR,

STICK A BENZOYL PEROXIDE BOMB UP HIS TAILPIPE.

OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT MR. ZIERING.

WE'LL LET THE POLICE HANDLE LASHANE.

I CALLED THE POLICE THIS MORNING.

THEY COULDN'T FIND HIM.

THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED I NEEDED PROFESSIONAL HELP.

LOOK, THIS IS OUR CHANCE TO SHUT DOWN THE OBNOXIOUS GOON FOR GOOD.

NICK'S GOT A POINT, TASH.

(Ian) THERE'S ONE OTHER THING.

I'VE GOTTA BE THERE WHEN YOU CATCH HIM.

THAT'S MUCH TOO DANGEROUS, MR. ZIERING.

NO, MY THERAPIST--

I HAVE A THERAPIST.

MY THERAPIST THINKS I SHOULD CONFRONT MY FEARS HEAD-ON,

IN PERSON.

(Kay) SURE YOU CAN COME.

IS THAT A PROBLEM?

[sighs]

(Kay) I'M CALLING UP LASHANE'S AGENT.

DO YOU THINK IT'S TOO MUCH?

OH, NO. IT'S YOU, ALL RIGHT.

YES, HI.

I'M INTERESTED IN BOOKING KIP LASHANE

TO PHOTOGRAPH MY PARTY THIS EVENING.

4 HOURS, $10,000.

YES, I SEE. THANKS ANYWAY.

MR. LASHANE IS ON SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT.

UNREACHABLE FOR 48 HOURS.

(Quick) HE'S PROBABLY ON SOME BIG STAKEOUT.

TRACE HIS CREDIT CARD ON T.R.W.

[beeping]

4 PIZZAS FROM DOMINO'S IN THE LAST 36 HOURS.

DIAL 'EM UP. I'LL HANDLE IT.

[dialing]

(man) DOMINO'S PIZZA.

YEAH. YEAH, THIS IS KIP LASHANE.

AS IN THE KIP LASHANE WHO ORDERED 4 PIES FROM YOU

IN THE LAST 36 HOURS?

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

YEAH, WELL, I THOUGHT THAT PUT ME IN YOUR HIGH ROLLERS CLUB.

I SURE AS HELL EXPECTED BETTER TREATMENT.

WHERE'S MY PIE?

OH, WELL, IF IT'S NOT HERE IN 5 MINUTES, I WANT IT FOR FREE.

OK. ALL RIGHT, SMART GUY.

YOU CAN CONFIRM THE ADDRESS, IF YOU WANT.

UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

THE GRASSY KNOLL NEXT TO THE HANDICAPPED PARKING SPACE

ON THE CORNER OF ROSE AND PACIFIC.

HEY, THAT'S RIGHT NEAR THE VENICE BOARDWALK.

♪ SAVE ME, DADDY ♪

♪ FROM THIS FEELING... ♪

BE A GOOD GIRL, KAY.

I WILL.

NO ONE GETS IN, NO ONE GETS OUT.

♪ TAKE ME BACK TO YOUR CLEAN AND SANDY SHORE ♪

SO TELL ME, IAN.

YES?

WHO GETS MORE FAN MAIL, YOU OR JASON PRIESTLEY?

IT'S NOT REALLY A COMPETITION.

BUT IF YOU HAVE TO KNOW, ME.

[giggles]

I KNEW IT.

WHICH WAS YOUR FAVORITE EPISODE?

OH, THE ONE I WORKED WITH MILTON BERLE ON.

OH, THE ONE ABOUT ALZHEIMER'S.

THAT WAS SO MOVING. AND YOU WERE GREAT.

THANKS, KAY.

IS IT TRUE YOU'RE MARRIED TO A CENTERFOLD?

[laughs] YEP.

HAPPILY?

[chortling] OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

SO IT'S NOT ONE OF THOSE "ARRANGED" HOLLYWOOD MARRIAGES?

♪ SAVE ME, TAKE ME ♪

♪ BACK TO YOUR CLEAN AND SANDY SHORE ♪

♪ ON A SINGLE LEG I'LL SWAB THE DECK ♪

♪ AND THIS TIME I WON'T GET BORED ♪

♪ IT'S YOU I ADORE ♪

OH, GREAT.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE ILLUSTRIOUS V.I.P.

WE NEED TO TALK, WEASEL.

SOMEHOW I'M SENSING SOME HOSTILITY IN YOUR VOICE.

YOU'RE GONNA SENSE SOME HOSTILITY IN YOUR FACE

IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THERE.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LET ME JUST, UH, GET MYSELF OVER HERE. OK?

OK, AND THEN WE'LL... WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

CUT HIM OFF AT THE BOARDWALK!

OF ALL THE GIRLS YOU'VE KISSED ON THE SHOW,

WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE?

OH, I'D HAVE TO SAY HEATHER LOCKLEAR.

WHAT? HEATHER LOCKLEAR?

YEAH. YOU KNOW, SHE PLAYS KELLY,

MY EX-GIRLFRIEND ON THE SHOW.

[chuckles] OH, SHE'S SOME KISSER.

IAN, DON'T YOU MEAN JENNIE GARTH?

HEATHER LOCKLEAR IS ON MELROSE PLACE.

ARE YOU FEELING OK?

MAYBE I SHOULD TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONING.

I ALWAYS GET THOSE 2 CONFUSED.

(Kip) IAN ZIERING?

[chuckling] WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE, I MIGHT AS WELL SHOOT YOU.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING.

IAN!

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

(Quick) GET LASHANE! I'LL GET ZIERING!

DAMN!

WILL YOU LET ME GO? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

ZIP IT, LASHANE!

KAY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

WHAT HAPPENED?

OUR CLIENT WIGGED OUT.

DID YOU SAY SOMETHING TO SET HIM OFF?

ALL I REMEMBER IS THAT IAN THINKS

HE KISSED HEATHER LOCKLEAR.

HEY, GUYS, LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

WHOEVER TRIED TO KILL LASHANE

WAS SOME KIND OF MASTER OF DISGUISE.

OH, FLOWERS.

OH, DARLING, VERY SWEET OF YOU.

I ALWAYS TREAT MY WOMEN WELL BEFORE I SAY GOODBYE.

[chuckles] MM-HMM.

WHY IS CAMERA BOY STILL ALIVE?

LASHANE HIRED VALLERY IRONS PROTECTION,

AND THAT...

[sighing] EXCUSES. EXCUSES MAKE MY FLOWERS WILT.

THE FEDS THINK I'M DEAD.

I PAID YOU TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.

YOU PAID HALF OF THE MONEY.

YOU STILL WANT ME TO ICE LASHANE, OR WHAT?

BY MIDNIGHT.

DON'T DISAPPOINT ME AGAIN.

OR THESE FLOWERS WILL MARK YOUR GRAVE.

IT'S A PRETTY DRESS.

THANK YOU, DARLING.

OT IT BACKWA

THESE IDIOTS JUST SAVED YOUR BUTT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS BROUGHT THIS SLIMEBALL HERE.

COULD WE JUST KILL HIM NOW?

WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?

THERE HAVE BEEN 3 ATTEMPTS ON MY LIFE IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS.

4 COUNTING WHAT G.I. JANE JUST SAID.

BY THE WAY, I DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR ATTITUDE, OK?

'CAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT HIRING YOU GUYS.

(Val) DREAM ON.

COME ON, MY LIFE'S IN DANGER!

I NEED YOU.

YOU CAN'T AFFORD US.

OH, I THINK-- I THINK YOU'D BE SURPRISED

HOW MUCH I MADE OFF THOSE PICTURES OF YOURS.

I THINK THIS IS A GREAT CASE. WE SHOULD TAKE HIM ON.

THE GUY'S GOT A GENUINE BEEF.

WHATEVER.

ALL RIGHT, LASHANE, YOU'VE GOT US.

SWEET.

SO, WHO'D WANNA KILL YOU?

AND THIS FINE PIECE OF PHOTOGRAPHY IS

U.C.L.A.'S STAR QUARTERBACK WITH THE DEAN'S WIFE.

OH, AND HERE. A TRUE KODAK MOMENT.

F.B.I. AGENTS STEALING DRUGS FROM AN EVIDENCE LOCKER.

I HAD TO HIDE OUT IN A DUFFEL BAG

TO GET THAT ONE.

YOU SHOULD'VE STAYED IN IT.

VAL, THERE'S SOME MORE OF YOU.

HEY, HEY, I OWN THOSE!

NO, YOU DON'T!

LET'S FACE IT, LASHANE, WHO WOULDN'T WANT YOU DEAD?

BESIDES YOU GUYS?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M SURPRISED THE AROMA IN HERE HASN'T KILLED YOU.

WHAT IS IT? THAT OZIUM CAR FRESHENER STUFF?

[exclaiming] NEW COLOGNE.

UH, WE NEED TO STASH LASHANE SOMEWHERE SAFE.

HOW ABOUT BACK AT THE PENTHOUSE?

YOU KNOW, MAXINE HAS RELATIVES OVER.

IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME.

THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE THERE AND...

I THOUGHT YOU SAID MAXINE WENT DOWN TO TIJUANA WITH SOME FRIENDS?

THANKS.

WHO COULD BABY-SIT LASHANE

WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS OUT FOLLOWING LEADS?

OK, THE POOL IS OFF LIMITS.

AND ABSOLUTELY NO SMOKING.

OH, DON'T GO NEAR MY SILVERWARE.

AND ONLY USE STYROFOAM CUPS.

AND DON'T GO NEAR MY NEW CAPPUCCINO MAKER.

AND IF YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

JUST HOLD IT.

IS THAT ALL, WARDEN?

OH, AND IF YOU REALLY WANNA MAKE ME HAPPY,

YOU CAN JUST STAY IN THAT CHAIR ALL DAY.

YEAH, RIGHT.

THAT IS THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE PIECE OF FURNITURE EVER.

MY BUTT IS, LIKE, FALLING ASLEEP.

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THAT IS A CHARLES EAMES CHAIR.

AND HE'S DEAD.

OOH, I'M IMPRESSED.

HOW ABOUT THAT TABLE? IS THAT REAL FORMICA?

IT'S WALNUT.

WHAT IS THAT ON MY DESK, ANYWAY?

THAT'S MY PORTFOLIO.

WOW!

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT SOMETHING LIKE THIS

COULD BE SHOT BY SOMEONE LIKE YOU?

YEAH, YEAH, SEE? THAT'S, THAT'S JUST IT.

I'M--I'M--I'M--I'M VERY MISUNDERSTOOD.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. I MEAN, IT'S SO BREATHTAKING.

YES, EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY.

I BACKPACKED 8 DAYS THROUGH 4 FEET OF SNOW.

I HAD TO FEND OFF A MOUNTAIN LION WITH MY BEAR HANDS.

I RAN OUT OF FOOD,

I HAD TO EAT, UH, FROZEN

BUGS AND TREE BARK.

I LOST A TOE TO FROSTBITE, TOO.

BUT, WELL, JUST LOOK AT THE PICTURE.

I-I-IT'S ALL WORTH IT, DON'T YOU THINK? JUST TO--

JUST TO GET THIS SHOT.

"TOM KERBAL, NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC?"

YEAH, SEE, THOSE ARE THE PICTURES

THAT I WOULD HAVE TAKEN,

IF I WASN'T BUSY MAKING A LIVING, OK?

YOU ARE SICK! YOU'RE SICK!

CAN'T A GUY TRY TO LOOK LIKE HE HAS A SENSITIVE SIDE?

OH!

CAN WE STILL MAKE OUT?

GOD!

[phone rings]

QUICK.

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT.

COOL. WE'LL BE OVER TO SWITCH WITH YOU SOON.

SO, IS THE SUSPECT TALKIN' YET?

I CHECKED THAT MASK OUT.

IT'S MADE FROM SOME KIND OF POLYMER.

IT'S VERY SLICK, THOUGH.

SO I GUESS YOU'LL TELL ME WHEN YOU'RE READY.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

I'M JUST NOT SURE.

SO WHAT'S THE SCOOP ON TORI SPELLING?

GET DOWN!

WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS? TAKE COVER!

7.62 RUSSIAN CALIBER, JUST LIKE I THOUGHT.

DON'T BOTHER. HE'S ALREADY GONE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THE SHOOTER'S A HE?

HE'S A FORMER K.G.B. ASSASSIN,

KNOWN AS "THE OWL."

WHO?

EXACTLY.

AND THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE.

HE'S MY EX-HUSBAND.

THAT

THAT NO ONE FOLLOWE

WE ENTERED THROUGH A SECRET PASSAGEWAY.

CHILL, RAT BOY, WE'RE PROFESSIONALS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MARRIED THIS OWL GUY TWICE.

HE IS A MASTER OF DISGUISE.

THAT'S NO EXCUSE.

INCLUDING ME, THERE'S ONLY 4 PEOPLE

THAT KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.

ONE IS IN A SIBERIAN PRISON,

THE OTHER'S ON LIFE-SUPPORT IN BERLIN,

AND THE THIRD HAD HIS TONGUE AND HIS EYES CUT OUT.

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU ONLY GOT A DIVORCE.

OK, LOOK, I HIRED YOU PEOPLE TO PROTECT ME,

NOT COORDINATE WEDDINGS.

WHY WOULD SOMEONE HIRE THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST ASSASSIN

TO KILL YOU?

YOU'RE A TOTAL PARASITE.

(Tasha) FOR ONCE, VAL, I AGREE WITH YOU.

AS A CONTRACTED TARGET,

YOU ARE AN INSULT TO THE ASSASSINS GUILD.

YOU WERE IN THE ASSASSINS GUILD?

MAYBE.

YOU EXPLOIT PEOPLE FOR PROFIT, LASHANE.

YOU'RE DIRTIER THAN DIRT.

OH, I AM NOT A PARASITE, OK?

I GIVE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANNA SEE.

CHECK OUT MY TAKES FOR THE LAST FEW WEEKS, OK?

I GOT LEWINSKI DRINKING FROM A WATER FOUNTAIN.

I GOT SOME SENATOR GETTING ALL HOT AND HEAVY

WITH SOME STRIPPER.

AND I PICK UP SOME MOBSTER SNIFFING A ROSE

IN HIS LITTLE PRIVATE GARDEN.

DID YOU JUST SAY A ROSE? AND THE LAKER GIRLS

SHOWERING. LAKER GIRLS?

SHOWERING. LAKER GIRLS? LET ME CHECK THAT OUT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE MOBSTER WITH A GREEN THUMB,

BUT HE WAS BLOWN UP IN HIS CAR

RIGHT BEFORE THE FEDS THREW THE BOOK AT HIM.

WAIT, HOW COME WE'VE NEVER SEEN THESE PHOTOS?

THEY'RE SHOTS FROM MY CAR CAMERA.

THAT'S HIM, FRANK SCORNAVACCO.

BUT YOU TOOK THESE PICTURES 2 WEEKS AGO.

YEP. UH-HUH. I GOT A PICTURE OF A GUY WHO'S NOT EVEN ALIVE.

[laughs] WHO'S THE PARASITE NOW?

LOOK IT, MORON, THIS IS THE GUY THAT WANTS YOU DEAD.

OH.

(Nikki) THAT'S WHO HIRED THE OWL?

WE BETTER GET TO HIM BEFORE HE FINDS US.

YOU WILL NEVER FIND HIM.

IT'D BE A HUNDRED TIMES EASIER TO FIND SCORNAVACCO.

YEAH, WELL, NIKKI AND I'LL HIT UP OUR STREET CONTACTS.

I'LL CHECK OUT GLENDALE.

WHAT? I GOTTA STAY HERE WITH HIM?

DO YOU HAVE ANY STREET CONTACTS?

NO.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO GLENDALE?

NO.

ALL RIGHTY, THEN.

WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT GLENDALE?

WHATEVER.

TASHA.

♪ I WOULD DIE ♪

♪ A THOUSAND DEATHS FOR YOU ♪

I KNEW YOU'D COME.

MY COLLEAGUES WOULD KILL ME IF THEY KNEW I WAS HERE.

COULDN'T YOU JUST SNAP THEIR LITTLE NECKS

AND BE DONE WITH THEM?

DARLING,

COULDN'T WE JUST SKIP THE FOREPLAY?

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT.

♪ I CRIED FOR YOU ♪

♪ I'D CRAWL ♪

♪ OH, I CRIED FOR YOU ♪

♪ I'D CRAWL AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪

♪ LET'S SEE WHAT MORE I CAN STAND ♪

♪ IF YOU ASK ME TO ♪

♪ EACH AND EVERY BREATH I BREATHE ♪

♪ I'D BREATHE FOR YOU ♪

♪ IF YOU ASKED ME TO ♪

♪ FUN TO ME ♪

♪ DO YOU EVER... ♪

POP THE TRUNK, I NEED MY BRIEFCASE.

I'M NOT GOING IN ALONE.

COOL. YOU GONNA CRACK SOME SKULLS AND KICK SOME BUTT?

NOT EXACTLY.

A FEW CRISP BENJAMINS IN HERE MIGHT LOOSEN SOME LIPS.

TAKE YOUR TIME, MAN. I GOT YOUR BACK.

WHERE'S MY MAN?

YO, JUDSON?

YO, BABY. MY MAN QUICK. WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

LOOK HERE, MAN, YOU KNOW I'M STILL WORKING ON

GETTING VANESSA WILLIAMS' HOME PHONE NUMBER, RIGHT?

CHILL, MAN, I AIN'T HERE FOR THAT.

WORD'S OUT THAT FRANK SCORNAVACCO

IS BACK WITH THE LIVING.

OH, YEAH, WELL, I AIN'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? I DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT NO--

OH, THAT FRANK, OK, WELL, UH, LOOK HERE, MAN,

WE DO IT INSIDE, ALL RIGHT?

ARE YOU ASLEEP?

NO.

WELL, THEN WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

MY PROBLEM? HELLO!

DID YOU FORGET THAT "THE SPARROW,"

THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST ASSASSIN,

IS TRYING TO KILL ME?

YOU MEAN "THE OWL"?

OWL, SPARROW.

I AM JUST, I'M SO SCARED.

GOOD.

OH, FINE, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SLAP A TARGET ON MY BACK?

WE'RE GONNA FIND SCORNAVACCO,

AND WE'RE GONNA GET "THE OWL." JUST STOP WHINING.

YOU KNOW, I KNOW I'VE PISSED OFF

A LOT OF PEOPLE IN MY TIME.

A-A-A-AND I'M SURE, YOU KNOW, THEY'VE WANTED TO KILL ME. BUT--

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

BUT A SUPER-ASSASSIN?

[whining] VAL, I DON'T WANNA DIE.

OH, DON'T CRY ON MY COUCH.

OH.

YOU WANT SOME MILK AND COOKIES?

I'M FEELING MUCH BETTER.

OW!

♪ YOU WANT TO RIDE? RIDE ♪

ANYTHING?

NOPE.

♪ I'LL STYLE A MILLION MILES, A MILLION MILES ♪

♪ SIXING ON THE SUN DRIVE ♪

♪ BYE, FLY, BOY, SET YOUR SETTINGS ON HIGH ♪

♪ KEEP 'EM HIGH ♪

♪ COME DOWN, COME DOWN ♪

♪ PEOPLE THINKING THAT I'M FLY ♪

♪ COME DOWN, COME DOWN ♪

LET'S CHECK IN WITH VAL.

[dialing]

(Val) HELLO.

(Nikki) VAL, IS EVERYTHING OK?

COULDN'T BE BETTER.

OK, WE'LL BE THERE IN 5 MINUTES.

HEY, LOOK, THERE'S DAVID DUCHOVNY!

BIG DEAL.

YOU DON'T THINK HE'S STILL MAD ABOUT ME BLOWING UP

THE HAIR AND MAKE-UP TRAILER, DO YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

DON'T THESE PEOPLE HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?

AM I TALKING TO THE SAME GUY WHO SPENT A HALF A DAY

AT ARMANI EXCHANGE?

WHATEVER.

♪ COME DOWN, COME DOWN ♪

ALL RIGHT, MEET YOU AT A LIGHT, TAKE IT LIGHT.

IT'S ALL GOOD, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WHERE'S THAT GIRL?

WHAT'S UP?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN, SOMETHING'S OFF.

LOOK AT ME.

IT MUST BE FINE

WORKING WITH ALL THOSE FINE-LOOKIN' LADIES.

THAT RED-HOT VALLERY IRONS, DEADLY TASHA,

SPUNKY NIKKI.

OH, AND FOXY LITTLE KAY. MMM-MMM.

I GET THE CHILLS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? SO, Q.,

HOW COME YOU AIN'T GETTING ANY PLAY?

YO, MAN, I DON'T MIX BUSINESS WITH PLEASURE.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT. WHATEVER.

LOOK HERE, MAN, MAN, I GOTTA SHAKE.

BUT, UM, I'LL LET YOU KNOW

WHEN YOUR STREISAND AT THE PARK TICKETS COME IN, ALL RIGHT?

OH, YOU'RE FUNNY, MAN.

YOU'RE WILD. TAKE CARE.

DAMN.

OH, I LEFT MY BRIEFCASE IN THE TRUNK.

GO ON, I'LL CATCH UP.

[whoops]

NO COLOGNE.

[gasping]

[fuse blowing]

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

IT'S JUST A FUSE.

IT'S "THE OWL." HE CUT THE ALARM SYSTEM.

OH, MY GOD. HE'S GONNA KILL US.

(Owl) HELLO AGAIN, LASHANE. VALLERY IRONS?

I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED

MUCH MORE CHALLENGING SECURITY SYSTEM.

LASHANE, SIT.

GOOD BOY.

YOU, TOO.

TASHA IS NEVER GONNA TALK TO YOU AGAIN

IF YOU KILL ME.

NICE TRY.

SIT DOWN. BE A GOOD GIRL.

WE ARE ALL GOING TO WAIT FOR TASHA.

I HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE FOR HER.

(Owl) IF I

(Owl) IF I WERE YOU,

(Owl) IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD BE VER

[bomb ticking]

BECAUSE IF EITHER OF YOU STAND UP,

YOUR CHAIRS WILL EXPLODE.

YOU KNOW WHEN I TOLD YOU

THAT WE'D TRADE OUR LIVES FOR TASHA'S?

I WAS JUST KIDDING.

JUST QUIT WHILE WE'RE AHEAD.

SHE'S ALREADY ON HER WAY.

YOU KNOW, OWLS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE WISE.

ISN'T THERE ANY WAY WE COULD DO THIS OTHER THAN THIS?

THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY.

I'LL LET MY EMOTIONS GET THE BEST OF ME.

JUST LET ME GO, OWL, OK?

I DON'T GIVE A HOOT ABOUT SCORNAVACCO.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE NOW VERY MUCH A PART OF IT.

SCORNAVACCO IS ALREADY ON HIS WAY WITH HIS MEN.

♪ I CRAWL ♪

♪ I CRIED FOR YOU ♪

TASHA.

♪ I'D CRAWL ♪

NOW YOU HAVE ME WHERE YOU WANT ME.

TASHA, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

I'VE ARRANGED FOR A HELICOPTER TO PICK US UP

ON THE ROOFTOP, MY LOVE.

THEIR LIVES FOR YOU. WHAT WILL IT BE?

TASHA, DON'T.

I NEED TO HEAR IT FROM YOUR LIPS.

WELL?

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GO WITH YOU TO THE ROOFTOP.

I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T DISAPPOINT ME.

TASHA, I CAN'T LET YOU LEAVE WITH A GUY

YOU'VE ALREADY DIVORCED TWICE.

THE BOMB WILL DEFUSE ITSELF IN 30 MINUTES.

YOU'LL BE FREE TO GO THEN.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

JUST HOLD IT.

NOW YOU'RE SURE THIS IS WHERE THEY ALL WENT?

THE PENTHOUSE?

(thug) YES, SIR.

OK.

THE WORD'S ON THE STREET THAT V.I.P.'S LOOKING FOR ME.

SO, GENTLEMEN, WE WASTE EVERYBODY

WHO KNOWS I'M ALIVE.

WE START WITH THE HOLLYWOOD BODYGUARDS,

AND OUR FRIEND, "THE OWL."

NIKKI! NIKKI! OW, OW!

WHOA, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

FIRST YOU DITCH ME--

SHUT-UP! WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE T.V. STAR? WHAT?

ANSWER! OW! THE COS.

LET ME HEAR HIM.

[imitating Bill Cosby] THEN THEY REALIZE

THAT CHILDREN BRUSH THEIR TEETH

WITH CHOCOLATE CAKE.

OK, OK, OK.

YOU'RE THE REAL, ONE AND ONLY QUICK WILLIAMS. SORRY.

HEY!

WHAT, JUST FOR THE RECORD, STARSKY,

WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING TO DO IF I WASN'T REALLY ME?

[guns firing] KICK YOUR ASS.

GET DOWN! GO!

STAY DOWN! WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON?

WHO THE HELL'S SHOOTING AT US?

SCORNAVACCO!

WE'VE GOTTA GET TO VAL BEFORE HE DOES!

WE GOTTA DELAY 'EM. WE NEED A DIVERSION.

YOU GOT ANY MINI BOMBS?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

GOOD, I'LL COVER YOU. GO!

GREAT, THAT'LL MOVE THEM.

LET'S GO!

I'M SO GLAD YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

OUR RIDE WILL BE HERE SOON.

I'M NOT GOING WITH YOU.

THEY SAY THE THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM.

BUT THAT DAY WILL NEVER COME.

BUT YOU MADE A DEAL.

TO COME TO THE ROOFTOP, NOT TO GO WITH YOU.

I'D RATHER DIE.

REGRETTABLY,

I CAN MAKE YOUR WISH COME TRUE.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE ME DOWN THE ONLY WAY YOU NEVER COULD.

THAT'S BECAUSE I ALWAYS HELD BACK.

[laughing]

YOU KNOW IT'S HOPELESS.

IT COULD HAVE WORKED BETWEEN US.

ONLY IF YOU COULD DEFEAT ME AT HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT

WHICH YOU NEVER COULD.

MEN AND THEIR HANG-UPS, I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND IT.

[both grunting]

I'M WORRIED ABOUT HER.

(Kip) HER?

I DON'T THINK TASHA LIKES HIM.

WHAT DO YOU CARE?

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS HATE EACH OTHER.

TASHA'S FAMILY. I HAVE TO SAVE HER.

WHAT? ARE YOU NUTS? N A MINUTE,

WE'RE GONNA BE NOTHING BUT MINCEMEAT AND WOOD CHIPS.

[bomb ticking]

COME ON, PUT YOUR ICKY BODY TO WORK.

YOU CAN COMPENSATE FOR BOTH OF US.

EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU SAYING THAT I'M FAT?

JUST DO IT!

OH, OH, MAN, I'M GONNA BE A GONER.

THIS IS CRAZY.

THIS IS, WELL, I GUESS IT'S NOT THAT CRAZY.

OK, I'M GONNA COUNT TO 3.

UH-HUH.

AND I'M GONNA HOP OFF THE CHAIR, OK?

OK, WAIT, WAIT! AND THEN YOU'LL LIE OUT FLAT.

YOU GOT IT?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, OK, WHAT IF THIS DOESN'T WORK?

WELL, TASHA LEAVES WITH "THE OWL," WE DIE,

AND I LOSE 2 CHARLES EAMES CHAIRS.

OH. OK. THEN, WELL, THERE'S, THERE'S SOMETHING

THAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW.

WHAT?

I LOVE YOU.

OH, GREAT.

ARE YOU READY? [grunting]

1, 2,

YES!

OK, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. DON'T MOVE.

VAL? GOD, I LOVE THAT WOMAN.

COME ON, BABY.

[both grunting]

I WIN, SWEETHEART.

WRONG. YOU LOSE.

BACK OFF OR I TURN THIS ON.

DON'T BE SILLY, MISS IRONS.

GET AWAY FROM HER!

VAL, DON'T BE STUPID. LEAVE.

WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM, PEOPLE.

YEAH. SCORNAVACCO AND HIS GUYS RE RIGHT BEHIND US.

PETER, JUST GO.

I LET YOU WIN.

(Val) COME ON, WE GOTTA HIDE!

THIS WAY!

ALL RIGHT, SPREAD OUT! SPREAD OUT!

THEY'RE UP HERE SOMEWHERE!

HEY!

SWEET DREAMS.

I COULDN'T LEAVE YOU IN DANGER LIKE THAT, SWEETHEART.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT!

[guns firing]

(Frank) THERE THEY ARE!

THIS WAY! THEY'LL GET AWAY!

C'MON, GET 'EM FROM BEHIND!

FIRE! FIRE!

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? MOVE! MOVE!

COME ON! COME ON!

WHAT ARE YOU, ON SOME BOARD GAMES?

MOVE ON THEM. FIND THEM.

MOVE! MOVE!

LET'S TAKE THE ROOF, GO!

ANYBODY THIRSTY?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

(thug) I'M NOT MOVIN'.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BIG BOY.

ALL RIGHT. MAKE YOU HAPPY, VAL.

GO, GIRL. RIGHT ON. CAN WE GO NOW?

I WANT A BUBBLE BATH.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

COME ON. MOVE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO "THE OWL"?

I LET HIM GO.

I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU'RE STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM, AREN'T YOU?

OOH, VAL!

HOLA, TU AMIGA MAXINE IS HERE!

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

[gasping] GET HELP!

DRAMATIC

WHEN FEARLESS SHUTTERBUG KIP LASHANE..."

"...JOINED THE ROOFTOP FRAY, TEAMING WITH

VALLERY IRONS PROTECTION."

"LASHANE PROVED TO BE THE VITAL INGREDIENT..."

"...NEEDED TO TAKE DOWN

THE LETHAL INTERNATIONAL ASSASSIN..."

"...KNOWN ONLY AS 'THE OWL.'"

SOUNDS FAR-OUT.

WISH I WAS THERE.

JOURNALISM.

GOTTA LOVE IT.

DELIVERY FOR A TASHA DEXTER.

I'LL TAKE IT.

THANK YOU.

WHO WOULD GET YOU FLOWERS?

LOOKS LIKE "THE OWL" GOT OUT OF HIS CAGE.

"TILL WE MEET AGAIN, MY LOVE.

SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS WHO'S IN MY JAIL CELL."

I'M NOT THE OWL.

YOU GOTTA LET ME OUT.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU GOTTA LET ME OUT.