Original subtitles

(footsteps walking)

(mysterious music)

- Does Aunt Jemima have sex?

She is a bottle of syrup.

- Ooh.

- Life's an elevator.

So push the button for every floor.

- That's interesting.

(upbeat rock music)

- [Announcer] Improbably Poppy.

(audience applauds)

Not live, but prerecorded in Monrovia, California

roughly 15 minutes outside of Los Angeles.

It's new metal indietronica artist Poppy's variety show.

(talk show music) (audience applauds)

- She's exactly right.

I'm Poppy, and this is Improbably Poppy.

My prerecorded variety show shot in Monrovia, California,

roughly 15 minutes outside of Los Angeles.

How's everyone doing tonight? Be honest.

- Yay.

(audience applauds and cheers)

- You're too kind. I don't deserve this.

- Psst. Hey ugly, you deserve the world.

- You're just saying that.

- Duh.

- Guys, something really weird just happened.

- I'll kill him.

- Why would you do that?

- You've always been better than me.

You've always had it easier.

Always know exactly what to say.

When was the last time you looked in the mirror?

- What? Like metaphorical or literally?

- You don't have the guts

- Soon this puppy won't have any guts.

I'm gonna rearrange 'em.

And by that I mean, fuck it, sex-like.

- You're insane.

- I'm insane. I'm in love.

- I'm in love and I-

(glass shatters)

- Woo.

(audience cheers)

- The theme of today's episode is taking risks.

I took a risk and saved the day.

I've seen this town chew puppets up, spit them out,

and come all over their butts.

And when you come on the butt cheeks,

it's hardly practicing safe sex at all.

- That still runs the act of risk of the discharge,

you know, falling into the valley of the crack.

- Sliding down the natural depression with a loving push

of gravity's tilt.

- And ending in the crevice of a fertile orifice.

- You call that safe sex.

- Hardly.

I call it taking a risk,

which is something we should all aspire to do.

Not holding my puppet friends hostage

equals clean, dry cheeks.

Who here wants clean, dry cheeks

- In a word? All of us.

- Stick around. We'll be right back.

(chill music)

(audience applauds)

I'm Poppy.

This is the chamber and remember,

whatever you catch, you keep,

but you only have 30 seconds.

Three, two, one, go.

(beep)

(high energy music)

Not bad. Now it's time to pay our sound guy.

(high energy music)

(record scratches)

I don't have faith in this next contestant.

- Woo!

(high energy music)

- Wait. Wait, you guys, what is this?

Guys, is this safe?

(knocking on chamber)

Hey, I just want a winner.

Wait, help! Help me!

Hey, I'm gonna die. Guys, my lungs (screams).

Oh my God! What is going (coughs).

- We found our loser.

(mysterious music)

(mysterious music)

- Hello. I have a fortune for you.

Hello. I have a fortune for you.

- No, thank you.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Hi. Would you like your fortune read?

- I gotta go to the class, but thank you.

- Okay, have fun. Hello? Would you like your fortune read?

- Are you AI? See?

- She asked if I was AI.

We need them when they're drunk.

Hello? I have a fortune for you.

- I thought you were a mannequin for a second.

- Who's your favorite actor?

- Johnny Depp was my favorite actor, I gotta say.

- Okay.

He's dead.

- He's dead? Oh no. I could see that happening.

- I heard this was free.

- This is a free fortune.

- Okay, what do I have to do?

- Grimes is gonna ask you to be a surrogate to her child.

- Who?

- Say yes.

- Me?

- But don't go to the appointment.

If you let her sing anything

from her major label releases to you, it's too late.

Would you like another one?

- No, I'm good. Thank you.

- Okay, thank you.

Your body is fine right now,

but in 2025, butts are out, boobs are out,

legs are out, faces are out.

Threw all of yours away.

- Period.

Are you sure you don't want your fortune read?

- Is it for a charge?

- No, it's free.

- Okay.

- Your mom is not who she says she is.

You'll need to upgrade

to our paid subscription to learn more. Cash or card?

(mysterious music)

You can stop recycling.

The universe does not need you to recycle anymore.

- Okay (laughs).

- Okay. Can you buy me alcohol?

- (laughs) Maybe.

- Do you have a dog?

- Yeah.

- He's not who he says he is.

- (chuckles) What? What do you mean?

- That's all I'm seeing here.

My last fortune is for myself.

I'm going to sleep really well tonight. Starting right now.

(soothing music)

(audience applauds)

(swoosh sound)

Please welcome my next guest,

one of the victims of the 2004 day of Matthews Band

poop bus disaster, Cecilia Martino.

(insects buzz) (soggy footsteps)

- Hi Poppy.

- Hi. Thank you for being here.

- Thank you for having me.

What was it like having 800 pounds

of human waste dumped on you?

(soft piano music)

- It's like having your whole world crashing in on you

except that world is about 800 pounds

of liquid human waste from a tour bus septic tank.

So imagine about six to seven guys taking turns,

making dumps in a tour bus bathroom,

and that septic tank being dumped on you.

- [Poppy] That puts it into perspective.

- Yeah.

- You're so brave.

- Thank you.

- 800 pounds is quite a lot.

This isn't the education episode,

but can you let our audience members know

what that equates in the number of... poops?

- So I ran the numbers

and according to my calculations,

about six to seven band members, a bus driver,

maybe a couple friends on tour, about two shits a day,

eating buffets, spicy Indian food,

maybe some sweet treats,

I would say at least 4,321 shits according

to my calculations plus a couple gallons of piss

and a few farts.

- Thank you. Would you say this experience

was a good example of taking risks?

(soft piano music) - Dave Matthews Band

risked it all to appeal to a new fan base

and I know I speak for everyone else on board

when I say... it definitely worked.

- Enlightening.

(elevator door bings) (mellow elevator music)

Critics have applauded me

my entire career for taking risks.

Always been something of a risk taker

and that will never stop.

It's actually kind of funny 'cause-

(person yells)

- What was that?

(person yells)

- 5,000 years!

- What?

- 5,000 years!

- Sir, would you like a Dasani?

- You will never catch me.

- What does everyone think?

- About what Poppy?

- Should I go after him?

- After who?

- Poppy, you're scaring us.

- None of us saw anything.

But if there's something you think you should do,

you should probably do it.

- You're right. I'm gonna do it.

(mysterious music)

- [Person] Help us Poppy.

- They drained me in my dream room.

- [Person] Please sign my copy of Am I a Girl?

It's your most misunderstood record.

- Wait, where are you?

I'd like to talk to you more about that.

(mysterious music)

- Archduke Franz Ferdinand?

- Yes, Poppy. It's me, the Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

Take my cane. You need it more than I do.

- This is heavy.

- That's because it's expensive.

- Poppy, I need you to take me-

(gun shots fire)

- Ah! Why the fuck would you do that?

- I thought you were gonna say take you outta your misery.

- What? No, I was going to say, take me home.

I can't believe you did that.

That's so insane that you did that. Ah!

- Poppy, you've returned. It's been 5,000 years.

- How did this happen?

- We didn't know if you were ever coming back.

We had to find a new host.

- We thought we would never see you again.

I did the best that I could. Now I'm old and tired.

- Here. You need this more than I do.

(mysterious music)

(electronic screech)

- Poppy, who are you talking to?

(mysterious music)

(gurgling noises)

- Thank you to everyone for taking a risk

and watching another episode of Improbably Poppy.

- I'm gonna take a risk right now, Poppy.

Um... uh... um,

will you go out with me?

- Oh, Jubilee, you're incorrigible. No, but thank you.

Is anyone interested in a musical performance? I am.

(audience applauds)

♪ When you're in the trenches ♪

♪ Touching all the itches ♪

♪ Keep on looking forward ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ You'll come to your senses ♪

♪ Get with present tenses ♪

♪ Find the self respect that you had ♪

- It was there all along.

♪ Do it, do it, go on ♪

♪ Try something new ♪

♪ Something that scares you ♪

♪ Something that you've always wanted to do ♪

♪ Take a risk, take a risk ♪

♪ Make it dangerous ♪

♪ Take a risk, do it quick ♪

♪ Just for the buzz ♪

♪ You know that you're alive because ♪

♪ You took a risk, took a risk ♪

♪ Made it dangerous ♪

♪ Took a risk, did it quick ♪

♪ Just for the buzz ♪

♪ You know that you're alive because ♪

♪ You didn't up ♪

♪ You know that you're alive because ♪

♪ You didn't give up ♪

♪ Sitting on the fence and ♪

♪ Waiting on the benches ♪

♪ Never gonna get you too far ♪

♪ If you're always patient ♪

♪ And never complaining ♪

♪ How they gonna know what you want ♪

♪ Do it, do it, go on ♪

♪ Try something new ♪

♪ Something that scares you ♪

♪ Something that you've always wanted to do ♪

♪ Take a risk, take a risk ♪

♪ Make it dangerous ♪

♪ Take a risk, do it quick ♪

♪ Just for the buzz ♪

♪ You know that you're alive because ♪

♪ You took a risk, took a risk ♪

♪ Made it dangerous ♪

♪ Took a risk, did it quick ♪

♪ Just for the buzz ♪

♪ You know that you're alive because ♪

♪ You didn't give up ♪

♪ You know that you're alive because ♪

♪ You didn't give up ♪

(indie pop music)

(swords clash)

- So, the lips of wisdom are closed,

but yet to the ears of understanding.

- You are wise beyond your years.

- I am just wise.

- You are wise.

- Beyond.

- Beyond.

- Your ears.

- Is that clear?