Original subtitles

Good afternoon, my beautiful darling.

Good afternoon, my sweet angel.

-Oh. Well, she's not here? -No.

Ever since she entered her third trimester,

her mood swings have been lethal.

Oh, I know. It's worse than when Sylvia gave up chocolate.

That was the most unbearable hour of my life.

Oh, here you guys are.

-Are you hiding from me? -[all] No.

Oh, good.

Because I have a little surprise for our new college man.

-Oh, it's just so exciting. -It's just Harvard, Fran.

Oh, no, I mean the cake.

The interior is pudding.

My son the Harvard man, huh? Takes me back to my Eton days.

Oh, takes me back to my eating disorders.

I thought tonight for a celebratory dinner, I would make salmon.

Oh, no.

Those poor little salmon, they spend their whole life

swimming upstream just to be poached for dinner?

I was going to barbecue.

Ooh, mesquite?

With a teriyaki glaze?

That would be perfect for Brighton's celebratory dinner.

[sobbing] My baby's leaving.

Who put their finger in the cake?

[all] You did.

Well, aren't we a bunch of moody musketeers.

Oh, well, I better get to work.

Before I go, darling, I just wanted to tell you, you are beautiful.

You're thin, you're 29, and, oh, the skin on the back of your hand just snaps

right back like a rubber band when you pinch it.

Oh, isn't he wonderful? I love him so much.

And we are so proud of our son getting into Harvard.

Uh, Fran, I've decided I don't wanna go to college.

Why?

Well, it's just that I don't wanna have tests.

I don't wanna have responsibilities. I just want a year off.

That's okay, honey.

If you don't wanna go to college, we're not gonna make you go.

There's plenty of people in my family that chose not to go to college.

-Really? -Yeah, well, it seemed like the natural choice

after they chose not to finish high school.

So you're really cool with me not going to Harvard?

I'm totally fine.

It's not a problem.

Come sit down with me, baby. We're gonna have some cake.

Now, maybe I'll give you the piece that says "Harvard!"

Hi, Fran.

Bye, Fran.

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran! ♪

This is gonna last you three weeks.

Oh, I just love getting pampered.

I feel like a regular Princess Caroline In the City.

Oh, excuse me, could you give me that magazine?

See, my nails are still wet.

Oh, B, thanks so much for bringing us.

You know, you can't drive with wet nails.

Oh, that is so weird.

I wonder how that happened.

-So anyway, Fran. -[hair dryer whirring loudly]

-I was thinking what we would do-- -What?

No, when we get home, what we're gonna do is we have to make sure--

-What? What? -So that-- When we-- Oh, Fran.

What I said was, when we get home, we have to make sure

we talk to Dad about me not going to Harvard.

Oh, honey, what do you think I'm getting all beautified here for?

I wanna look pretty when I tell him the horrible news.

You know, I can't run like I used to.

Would you like me to exfoliate you?

Should this be exciting to me?

If you like a woman scraping dead skin cells off your face.

Oh, so she does touch me.

Oh, yeah.

-[Val] Oh, Fran. -What?

I leaned on my wet nails and I got it all over my face.

-Oh, honey. Right. -Oh, I'm so stupid.

You know, next time you gotta remind me,

use flesh-colored nail polish.

Hey, any of you's want your tea leaves read?

Oh, and I had a cup of Sanka.

Oh, I can read that too.

Since when are you a psychic?

Since when do you need to know my business?

Well, I'm sorry, Libby, I just didn't know you were a fortune-teller.

Are you calling me a liar?

Could you do my cup?

Yeah, sure.

Ooh. Oh, never mind, that's raisin bagel.

[gasps] I am seeing two people very much in love.

-I'm also seeing a very happy marriage. -[squeals] To who?

-I'm getting an "F." -As in "pharmacist"?

Uh, Val, "pharmacist" begins with a "P," honey.

Yes, but his name is Fred and that begins with an "F."

Doesn't it?

Oh, Val, remember when we were at the pharmacy

the other day getting tweezers? Fred kept staring at you.

We thought that it was because you had that Q-tip stuck in your ear.

But maybe it was love.

I am also getting a semi-attached condo villa in Phase Four.

-[gasps] -And lots of babies.

Oh, you're gonna have sex.

What about me? What about me?

My psychic powers tell me you already had sex.

-No, do me. Do me. -I don't do diet soda.

What, am I a quack? Sit down. Give me your palm.

Okay.

All right, what have we go there?

I see you very happy with your three new kids.

No, no, no, wait. Make that two.

Things look really good for you.

Uh-oh.

[Fran]Uh-oh? What's with the "uh-oh"?

I see your husband with a sexy blond with great legs.

-I'm gonna go blond? -It ain't you.

Well, if it ain't me, who is it? What's my husband doing with a leggy blond?

With piercing blue eyes.

I'm... I'm seeing Beverly Hills.

I'm... I'm seeing them in bed together.

Their arms wrapped around each other... [chuckles] Ssss... Oof.

Well, don't you see anything good on this hand?

Well, your skin snaps back like a rubber band.

Darling, don't be ridiculous.

What does that no-good yenta

My future.

She said Max was gonna have an affair with a leggy blond.

Oh, my God. You think it's me?

Ma.

I'm sorry, but since I lost the weight,

-your husband has been giving me the eye. -Ugh.

He's just in shock at how big your head looks now.

Thank you.

Ma, she saw them kissing in Beverly Hills.

We can't move to California.

Although, on the upside, when you get a divorce in California,

you get half of everything.

Particularly, if he leaves you for someone who's younger.

Ma, she didn't say younger.

What? He's gonna leave you for someone older?

Big head.

Darling, you're putting your faith in a woman

who sweeps up hair at the Chatterbox.

I don't know about that place anymore.

The last time I had my hair done there,

when I got home, I pulled out the twoReader's Digests

I stuffed in my blouse, they were from 1994.

I was almost too embarrassed to put them on my cocktail table.

That story disturbs me on so many levels.

All I'm saying is, you are overreacting

to that shyster Libby and her voodoo.

Mmm. Maybe you're right.

I mean, she said that Val was gonna get married and there's no way.

[Val] Hi, Fran.

-Val. -The psychic was right, Fran.

You know, Fred the pharmacist.

-Yeah, hi, Fred. -We're dating.

Hi, Fran Sheffield. How's your welt? Did it pustulate?

It was a small red mark.

No, it was like an éclair was sitting in there.

-When did you two start dating? -Today.

But I loved her from the first time I saw her.

Standing catty-corner to the Metamucil display.

You know, the orange-flavored laxatives you buy, Fran Sheffield?

Shh!

Ma.

Ma, my life is over.

The psychic was right about Val.

And she's right about me.

Oh, darling, you're not thinking straight.

You're too wound up.

What psychic wouldn't predict that Dumb and Dumber

would eventually find each other?

This is one boring-ass baby shower.

Yetta, Fran's baby shower is next week.

Oy, I can't believe I missed it.

Can I at least see the baby?

Whoa!

Look at you, walking already.

Oh, you're gonna be way too big for these OshKosh B'Gosh.

Oh, Niles,

how am I going to figure out who my husband is leaving me for?

He's not leaving you for...

Why don't you go back to the psychic and ask for details?

Like a name.

I can't. They fired her.

Do you know that she predicted

$138 would be missing from the cash register?

What she neglected to predict was they would search through her purse.

-Oh, why is he straying? -Oh...

He's not straying. Believe me.

If he didn't leave when he met your mother, he ain't going nowhere.

Great news. Network called and they decided to pick up my pilot.

-Ah! -Yeah, they want me to have the announcement

-tomorrow at the Beverly Hills Hotel. -Oh, God.

Is that in Beverly Hills?

Oh, sweetheart, don't worry.

I'll only be gone a few days.

Don't leave me!

I'm begging you!

Think of the twins. The twins.

Darling, I'm not leaving you.

I love you. I'll call you tonight.

Oh, God.

Niles, this is it.

My worst fears are being realized.

He's gonna wind up in the arms of a sexy blue-eyed blond.

All right, so the psychic was right about Val.

But you have nothing to worry about.

He's not going to be with some sexy blue-eyed blond in Beverly Hills.

-He's gonna be with-- -Maxwell, did you get my carry on?

[both] Miss Babcock.

I don't understand. Why would she leave me for him?

What I don't understand is why he would leave me for her.

[imitates Fran] I don't know.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I was finally getting me some and he took my some away.

You know, I'm sorry.

I mean, I know I am not blond, but I'm kind of leggy.

Aren't I? I can't see anymore.

Well, I don't know about you, but I am not going to take this sitting down.

Well, what are we going to do? Follow them to California?

Listen to me listening to you and this silly psychic.

This is ridiculous. Your hormones are going crazy.

Your mood swings are all over the place.

Your ankles are so swollen you can't even...

Oh, my God. He is going to leave you for her.

Well, that does it. We're going to California.

And I'm packing something really cute, so she'll like me better than him.

Ooh, I'll take one of his suits.

Gee, do you think that if I find a really good push-up bra,

I could pass the twins off as cleavage?

Uh, excuse me, I'm Mrs. Maxwell Sheffield.

I lost my key and I need a new one to get into our room.

-Do you have proof that you're his wife? -[scoffs] Hello.

Very subtly look over your left shoulder and tell me if that's--

Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. I'm checking in.

Nails, nails, nails.

Hi.

Excuse me, Miss Fran Drescher, but I am your biggest fan.

Oh, thank you.

My God, you really do talk like that.

Who would make this up?

So I see you're into the flat hair in real life.

Yeah, it's not for you.

Oh, you think it makes me look fat?

You know, the bigger the hair, the smaller the hips.

She learned that from your show.

Tell me, what's the butler like? Is he as funny in person?

I think he steals the whole show.

Can I interject? I thought you were so fabulous in My Cousin Vinny.

Where do you keep your Oscar?

At Marisa Tomei's house.

Are you two here on vacation?

Oh, no. We're here spying on her husband

who's having an affair with my girlfriend.

Mmm. We did that very same story this season.

Really? I didn't see that. When was it on?

Now. And don't forget to watch the series finale next week.

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Unless, of course, that's the night I'm having my twins.

[whispering] Oh, look at him, all by himself.

I feel like such an idiot.

Oh, that Niles.

He's so paranoid.

Honey?

Honey?

[screaming]

What the hell are you doing in my bed?

What the hell are you doing in my husband's bed?

Oh, I can't believe the psychic was right.

How can he do this to me after all we've been through to--

Meanwhile, where the hell is he?

We switched rooms.

Chester likes a terrace.

Oh, really?

Well, where is little Chester?

Oh, I left him with Max. Sometimes that dog can be a pain in the ass.

Why did you bring him?

Because he's my baby.

This is so weird.

I mean, the psychic told me that Max was gonna end up in bed

with a sexy, blue-eyed blond in California.

Your psychic thinks I'm sexy?

Something's wrong here. I mean, besides the fact that

I just flew 3000 miles to end up in bed with you.

Nanny Fine, I can understand how you might not trust me with Maxwell.

I mean, after all, there were years of unrequited love

and unfulfilled fantasies and...

Oh, shameless come-ons.

But eventually, he came to see that he didn't have a chance in hell with me.

So I'm guessing there's only food left in the mini bar.

Nanny Fine, you have nothing to worry about.

I found my man

and I am completely and totally

and multiply satisfied.

Really?

That is the joy of being with a man who lives to serve others, baby.

[squealing]

[whispers] Hey, Chester.

Somebody needs a waxing.

Let go.

You are not in Hollywood two minutes, and look at you already.

Would you mind telling me what the hell the two of you are doing in here?

My psychic saw you in Beverly Hills, in bed,

wrapped in the arms of a leggy blue-eyed blond.

-[gasps] It's you. -It's me.

Oh, thank God.

-Your psychic thinks I'm leggy. -Get out.

You know, it wouldn't kill you to clip your toenails.

Hi, honey. That's a funny coincidence.

I love California. What do you think of it?

I find it arid. My hair doesn't--

You flew 3000 miles

because some silly psychic told you I was about to have an affair?

Well, she wasn't totally wrong.

You were in bed with a leggy, blue-eyed blond.

He scrubs my toilets.

I'm sorry, honey. I know that Libby was wrong.

But if a sexy, blue-eyed blond woman did come on to you,

you would tell her that you're madly in love

with your big, fat, miserable, moody wife, wouldn't you?

-Well, of course, I would. -Mm-hmm-mmm...

You'd tell her I was fat?

Well, it's just, you know,

pregnant describes it.

Fat, I don't get.

I'm not fat, technically.

Um, Daddy, you remember that time in your life

when you wanted to take some time off before you went to college?

No.

Well, that's where we differ.

Just what exactly are you trying to tell me?

That you don't want to go to college?

Yeah. I think I need to take some time off to figure out who I am.

You're Brighton Sheffield, Harvard freshman.

Now you know. See you spring break.

-Dad, I really need to do this. -Absolutely not!

Come on, Dad. What did your father say

when you told him you wanted to get into theater?

Absolutely not.

-And did you listen to him? -Absolutely... not?

-But I still went to college. -Yeah, well, I'm not saying I'm never gonna go.

I just want a year off to travel.

I wanna backpack through Germany.

I wanna see the ancient city of Rome.

I wanna go to Paris and eat cheese.

How do you propose to pay for this cheese?

-Well, I can get a job. -Oh, really?

And how do you propose to do that

when you don't even speak the language?

You're gonna do mime on the streets of Paris?

You see how good I am? You got it like that.

Oh, my God!

Do you know this? Do you know your son isn't going to Harvard?

-No. -Well, sure you did, Fran.

Come on, sweetie, let's talk about this.

I know that you're upset.

But listen, he's just a kid. What do you want him to do?

Twenty years from now, look back on this time with regret?

Yes. I just don't want him to make a mistake.

But it will be his mistake.

Look, didn't a lot of people say you were making a mistake

when you hired me, but that turned out good, didn't it?

It turned out good, didn't it?

Oh, yes, of course, it did. Beyond my wildest dreams.

Sweetie, he'll be fine.

He's a smart boy.

He's got a good head on his shoulders.

Would you happen to know exactly what size that head is?

-Why? -Well, when he was going to Harvard

I was gonna show him my support by buying him a Porsche.

Now I suppose I have to buy him one of those berets

with the funny ball on top.

Oh, sweetie.

So tell me, where do you see me 20 years from now?

I see you with a man in New York.

And this young guy in Paris.

And a jazz saxophonist in Chicago.

That sounds good.

Are you an organ donor?

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]