Original subtitles

I cannot believe my mother is having an affair.

I'm having palpitations.

I'm having palpitations.

Darling, seeing a doctor

does not necessarily mean they're being intimate.

Oh, please, when I see a man, you don't think I'm intimate with him?

Not if he sees you.

You know, sweetheart, I went through the same thing with my parents.

It's totally beyond your control.

Why aren't you as shocked as me?

Well, I'm, you know, European.

Things are a little more accepted there. It's looser. It's freer.

It's, uh, so wrong.

Well, my mother is not European.

She's a middle-aged Jewish yenta

that should be going to see a doctor for intestinal problems.

That I can believe.

I just heard about the affair.

Oh, don't worry, Franny, your father's a very good man.

Sylvia wouldn't throw that away for some fling.

Exactly. Yetta's absolutely right.

I'm sure this thing with your mother and her doctor won't last.

My daughter's dating a doctor?

Whoo-hoo.

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran! ♪

Oh, doctor...

I am so flattered, but I have to tell you the truth.

I am wearing a little makeup.

No.

You've changed your hair, haven't you?

Did it get lighter from the sun?

Yeah, the sun.

You know, I notice every little thing about you.

Including how much you love...

Oh, my God!

Samples!

Cotton swabs!

Oh, Handi Wipes.

Antibacterial ointment.

Oh, you are so extravagant.

You know, my daughter is giving me the third degree about you.

Hmm. She can't wait to meet you.

Are your kids doing the same about me?

Oh, no. My daughters respect my privacy.

They know that when I'm ready I'll introduce you.

They would never intrude in my private life.

So, Miss Blodgett,

what are your symptoms?

Well, I'm sick and I'm nauseous.

I think I had some bad Italian at an affair.

Uh-huh.

-Well, let's try your reflexes first. -Okay.

Sorry. You know how weird those nerve connections can be.

Um...

I'm gonna look in your ear.

Do I need to put on a cup?

[chuckles]

-Is that your family over there? -Yeah.

-You have a lovely wife. -I did.

I lost her nine years ago.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Wow, did I say nine years?

I can't believe it's been that long.

This picture we took on our last anniversary.

We went to Hawaii.

Oh, yeah, it was so dark and you were so tan.

That's Don Ho.

Your wife was very beautiful.

-She was, wasn't she? -Yeah.

You know what you miss the most?

The little things.

Her perfume, her laugh.

The look on her face whenever I would surprise her...

with tickets for a Sunday matinee.

You mean, you didn't spend your Sundays sitting in front of the TV

spitting out peanut shells watching the football game?

My wife hated sports.

So I gave them up.

If you didn't wanna direct my school play, why did you say yes?

Because you asked me before they were married and pregnant,

and I thought I still had a shot with your daddy.

Maxwell, will you tell her the director is god?

She's rehearsing us until two in the morning.

It's because you stink.

C.C., what do you expect when you choose Antony and Cleopatra

for a grammar school?

How hard is it to play a pushy broad

who runs around half naked with too much makeup?

Have you learned nothing from your mother?

[phone rings]

You're all off script tomorrow, or you're out.

Talk.

-Help me. -Oh, sweetheart.

You open Saturday and you're still not off script?

All right.

Well, this is just great.

The kid playing the messenger is grounded for cheating.

All I did was slip him a few answers so he could get to rehearsal on time.

C.C., can't you just cast some other kid in the part?

Who? He was perfect.

He looked like a weak, tired old man beaten down by life.

Who am I gonna find to play a part like that?

What?

Maxwell, wouldn't Niles be perfect

for that part in our sitcom in L.A.?

Me? What part?

Oh, if only there were a way I could see him on stage first.

Me? What part?

C.C., I don't think this is a very good idea.

Oh, you're always trying to hold me back.

You're just terrified that people are gonna find out

that someone in this house has more talent than you.

You know what? Break a leg.

Oh, honey, we are in so much trouble.

This guy that Ma is seeing,

he's handsome, he's romantic, he's a doctor.

He could park wherever he wants.

Daddy would have an affair with him.

Sweetheart, are you sure your mother isn't just going through a phase?

I would like a word in private with Miss Blodgett, please.

How dare you interfere with my affairs?

Affairs? How many you having, Ma?

Why are you doing this to me?

I have never interfered in your personal life.

Oh, please!

Let there be a witness. No one will believe this.

Ma, how could you do this to Daddy?

Don't you realize how much he loves you?

Darling, the only time your father looks at me with desire in his eyes

is when I'm holding a chicken.

You know what he gave me for my birthday?

A standing rotisserie that drips the fat off.

Is that stupid or what?

I thought you'd like it.

Fran, your father doesn't talk to me anymore.

If at least he fought with me, that's life.

But indifference, I can't live with that.

But, Ma, if you and Daddy have problems,

why don't you go see a professional?

I am.

Fran, you're my daughter and I love you,

but you have no idea what I'm going through.

Ma, I'm sorry, but I cannot and I will not accept this.

Then you and I no longer have anything left to say to each other.

Oh, yes, there is.

That fatless rotisserie was a great gift!

-Well, what happened? -I just broke up with my mother.

You know, I'm very impressed with how you're handling

the fact that your mother decided to show up.

Well, honey, I'm a big enough person to set my differences aside.

Today's day is all about Gracie.

[fanfare playing]

Tell me, messenger, what news bring you from Caesar?

Tell her that she is not going out for Chinese with us after.

Tell her that I would be happy to get it to go.

Would you two be quiet? My son is in this play, too.

Big deal. What is he playing? The camel?

And don't you yell at my daughter.

She's pregnant with my new grandchildren.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tell her that when her morning sickness kicks in

a little warm seltzer would help.

-Oh, my mother always said... -Tell her!

Warm seltzer helps.

Tell her thank you.

I ask you, messenger, what news bring you from Caesar?

That big kid stinks.

Oh, there's my adorable husband.

You know, honey, I am so glad that you set up your office here at the house.

[Maxwell]Well, she made up with her mother, so now she's gonna nudge the father.

So if I don't get out of here soon, she's gonna ask me to do something.

Ooh, I'll make up a meeting.

...a wonderful husband you are. So, what do you say?

Will you stick around and help me out with Daddy?

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid I have a meeting.

Oh, uh, you know, they called and canceled that meeting.

Oh. Oh, well, in that case, I'm free as a bird.

She canceled my fake meeting.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

-Hi, Daddy. -Hello, sweetheart.

What's in the bag?

Hey, I'm no idiot.

There's a lot of thieves out there that want these.

Daddy, they don't even want the car.

Come, sit down.

-Hey, you're looking pretty good, kiddo. -Thank you.

So, what's up? You invite Daddy to brunch,

you got something on your mind, huh?

Something bothering you? I can always tell.

Come on, sit on Daddy's lap, and tell me all about it.

-Come on. Tell me all about it. -Daddy. Daddy, Dad, I'm pregnant.

Daddy, Daddy.

Well, you know, this weekend

is yours and Mommy's 40th wedding anniversary.

-Yeah. -And I was just thinking

maybe the four of us could go out for dinner and dancing at the Skylight Room.

What would I do there? I wouldn't know what to do in a place like that.

I don't fit in there.

Sure you do, Daddy.

You're eating the paper off the muffin.

Plus...

you would make Mommy very happy

and you wouldn't even have to buy her a gift

because you can give her like a real fantasy night.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. We don't get into that kinky stuff.

One time we ate cheesecake off each other in bed.

But, that's only because nobody wanted to get up for a napkin.

I'm talking about being debonair, romantic.

Send her flowers. Fawn over her.

Are you crazy? If I sent your mother flowers for no reason,

she'd think I'm fooling around.

Daddy, take the risk.

I think Mommy's feeling just a little bit underappreciated.

Oh, you're talking crazy talk. Your mother's a very happy woman.

She's not, Dad.

Bringing home a case of Heinz vegetarian beans

does not a happy woman make.

Franny, come on. You don't know what you're talking about.

Dad, she was over here. She talked to me.

She's not happy.

Did she mention the beans specifically?

Would you genug with the beans, already?

You're gonna lose her, Pop.

I mean, if you don't smarten up,

you are gonna end up spending the rest of your life without her.

Now, is that what you want?

No, of course not. I mean, we're a team.

Morty and Sylvia. We belong together.

All right. Well, then here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna go out with us to the restaurant.

We're gonna celebrate your anniversary, and you are gonna romance your wife.

Okay. You got a deal. Just let me know when, that's all.

It's Saturday night.

Saturday? Hey. The Islanders are playing.

[Fran] Daddy!

All right, all right. I'll tape, I'll tape, I'll tape.

-Hello. -Hello.

Heard you laid a big egg last night.

[slow music playing]

Oh, this place is so romantic. Isn't it, Daddy?

Huh? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.

Sylvia, how about--? How about I order a skirt steak for two?

Morty, this is a fancy restaurant. They don't have skirt steak.

I'd like a Beef Ellington.

Oh, God, they're talking about skirt steaks.

How embarrassing.

Just order Beef Ellington for the table.

Say, Morty, I bet every man in the place

wishes he could change places with us right now.

Why?

I'm sitting under a vent here. It's blowing on me.

Sylvia, you wanna switch?

Daddy!

What? What?

Your mother's got hot flashes. She'd like a breeze.

Besides, I want the most beautiful woman in this restaurant

to be comfortable.

What?

I'm trying to be nice.

Well, cut it out. It's unsettling.

Sylvia, I'm trying to treat you special.

-Why now all of a sudden? -Because--

Because she said I should.

Franny, this is no good. This isn't me. I'm not comfortable.

I gotta get out of here.

-Did you say something to your father? -No.

He did.

[whistling]

Daddy, Daddy, come out here. I need to talk to you.

Oh, excuse me. Oh, your fly's open, sir.

Daddy, I have to talk to you.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

-I was just walking by. -You know each other?

Yes. This is the doctor that Mommy's been seeing

uh, because she's got, you know, that...

-that, she's got-- -Carpal tunnel syndrome.

Carpal tunnel syndrome. Carpal tunnel syndrome.

Daddy, who's been married to my mother for 40 years, this is Dr. Razzo.

-How do you do? -What do you say?

Hey, look. Look, Franny,

I'm sorry that your mother's upset with me. I really am.

Look, I'm just not the kind of guy she needs or wants anymore.

Your mother's at the point of her life, I think...

Your mother needs somebody like--

Somebody like a guy like this.

No, she doesn't. She does not.

Dad, don't you love Mommy?

Of course I love Sylvia. I'm crazy about her.

So look, I forget things once in awhile.

I forget things like birthdays.

I forget to talk to her during the commercial.

But she's got to know how much I care about her.

Daddy-- And I meant him.

How is she going to know if you don't tell her?

You are gonna lose her, you know?

Some other guy could come along.

You know, I think that you guys have exceeded the amount of time

two men should stay in a men's room.

No, no, no. Let him finish. Go ahead.

Some other guy could come along and tell Sylvia...

all the things she really wants to hear from you.

Come on, Daddy.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

I know you don't see this right now, but trust me,

someday you'll thank me for this.

Sylvia.

Sylvia, I don't wanna lose you.

I'm sorry if I didn't do or say the things that...

made you feel like you were appreciated. I'm sorry.

I don't know where the hell our 40 years have gone.

I look at you and I see a sweet little 16-year-old girl...

behind the candy counter at Woolworths.

You're wearing a pale blue dress.

And you're eating that chocolate-covered cherry

with the juice dripping down your mouth.

It was marzipan.

You remember my blue dress?

I remember a lot of things, Sylvia.

I just don't know why you don't know how I feel.

I'll tell you now, Sylvia. I--

Oh, God, I love you.

Morty, I love you too. I just--

I just don't feel special anymore.

Our life is like...

There are no surprises anymore.

No surprises, huh?

You want a surprise?

I'll give you a surprise.

♪ The very thought of you ♪

♪ And I forget to do ♪

♪ The little ordinary things ♪

♪ That everyone ought to do ♪

♪ I see your face In every flower ♪

♪ Your eyes in stars above ♪

♪ It's just The thought of you ♪

♪ The very thought of you ♪

♪ My love ♪

Well, I don't think you have to worry about your mother

leaving your father anymore.

What?

Why don't you ever sing to me?

[slow music playing]

[groans]

You got a lousy review in a grammar school news flyer.

Get over it.

Do you think my British accent sounds fake?

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]