Original subtitles

All right now.

Oh, "What to expect in your eighth month.

Indigestion, heartburn, bloating,

flatulence, nasal congestion."

Oh, well, according to this, my entire family is pregnant.

You know, the worst part about your pregnancy is going to be the mood swings.

-Oh. -I can get very testy.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it, sweetie. It's okay.

Oh, look who this is.

Aunt Freida. What a surprise.

-Hi, Aunt Freida. What are you doing here? -Hi.

[kissing]

-I came by to drop off your wedding present. -Oh.

Since I was not invited to your nuptials.

Or ensuing festivities.

Oh, Freida, we sent you an invitation.

That said, "You are invited to attend

but forbidden to sing, Freida."

Well, Ma did want to personalize the invitations.

I knew it was all her doing.

She's jealous.

She's jealous of my singing talent

and of my successful business investments.

What business investments, Freida?

You married a billionaire who dropped dead two days later.

All right, so a little luck was involved.

The point is that Sylvia has hurt me deeply.

Aw.

But I'm not gonna take this out on you.

[sobbing] Oh, Frannie!

You! This SOB bought our apartment building

and threw your father and me out.

However, your mother is going to pay!

You are horrible, Freida.

We are never gonna have you up to our house again.

What house?

Your father and I are practically homeless.

We have to sell everything.

Do you know anyone who wants to buy a 40-year-old couch

which, thanks to plastic slipcovers, is like brand-new.

Oh, Ma, Ma.

You're not gonna be homeless.

Me and Max will take care of everything.

We figured that.

Morty!

Where do you want me to put this?

Upstairs, near the bay window.

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran! ♪

Oh, Niles, how am I ever going to tell Maxwell...

...that my parents are staying here?

Quickly and without the negligee.

Maybe I shouldn't tell him at all.

How long do you think it'll be before he notices?

Well, not long. He'll see her here for breakfast,

he'll see her here for lunch, he'll see her here for dinner.

So I'm figuring I got at least six months.

[scoffs]

Oh, darling, don't you look beautiful.

Mmm, and that perfume.

Oh, I haven't smelled that perfume

since the last time you did something wrong.

What did you do?

Nothing.

Can't a wife just put something on sexy to entice her husband...

[mumbling] ...when her parents are moving in?

-What, darling? -I said, can't a wife

just say over and over again how much she loves her husband...

[mumbling] ...when her parents are moving in?

What do you keep mumbling into my neck?

[sighs] Okay, all right, I'll tell you.

But while I'm telling you,

would you please, just focus on the negligee.

Freida bought Mom and Dad's building and threw them out of their apartment.

Oh, darling, that's terrible. Oh, I wish I had known.

Well, we have to help them. What are they gonna do?

Oh, don't worry. They already found a new beautiful place to stay.

Well, that's good. Nearby?

Walking distance.

Do you use all your closets in here?

No.

Focus on the negligee.

Well, I have to call the agency.

None of these models they submitted are right for our poster.

You know, sir,

if you need an attractive, photogenic man on camera,

-I can pass for-- -Hume Cronyn?

[laughs]

[clears throat] Niles, thank you for your offer

but this poster really has to sell our new show.

We need someone virile, someone who exudes masculinity.

Oh, well, then there's your man.

-Hi, Daddy. -Hi, sweetheart.

Have you found your virile, masculine model yet?

Not yet, no. We shoot tomorrow.

Oh. Well, maybe Michael will know someone.

Honey?

How you doing? What's up?

Margaret.

Maxwell, let me handle this.

You're hired.

The job pays $5000.

Sorry, Hume.

Well, I don't care.

All those models live hand-to-mouth.

At least I have skills to fall back on.

Morning, Ma.

Good morning, darling.

Oh, I'm so happy that you're going to be here all the time.

I forgot what it's like living with my mommy.

Mmm.

Darling, don't you think your rouge is a little orangey.

I'm remembering.

What's the matter?

Sweetheart, have you considered bangs?

Why?

They took 10 years off your sister's face.

Ma, it was the eye lift that took 10 years off.

The bangs just covered up the scars.

So... [chuckling] Have I told you how glad I am that you're here?

Of course you are.

Otherwise, you would be up at the crack of dawn

making blintzes for your husband.

Little Miss Sleep Till 10:30.

So have I told you how glad I am that you're here?

Darling, rush and bring these to your husband.

Tell him you made them.

I don't need the credit.

Ma, you're doing that thing again.

-What thing? -You know, that thing that caused me

to weigh 140 pounds in fifth grade.

Darling, I don't mean to criticize

but that man that you married is a prince.

You should wait on him hand and foot.

He's a big step up from anything we thought

you would wind up with.

Oh, good, more blintzes.

-They're delicious. -Thank you, darling.

Fran made them.

What's the matter? You look so tense.

Oh, no, I just got a slight headache. That's all.

Oy, let Mamala take care of that.

No, really, it's fine. Really, it's....

Ooh, that does feel good.

Oy, you have beautiful hair.

Morty had gorgeous hair like this.

Till he lost it at the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Whoosh!

Hey, Fran, about your mother?

What? I said I was glad she's here!

Yeah, I can see that.

Oh, your father was right. Your father was right.

Oh, this was a big mistake. I've already had three muffins,

a box of cereal, and about 16 puddings,

and I've only been with her 20 minutes today.

Hey, Fran, what does it mean when your mother says

she likes your sweater but on somebody else?

It means I gotta get her out of this house.

You know, it'll be fine.

It's all for the best because I'll be happy.

And you know what? Your father will be even happier.

Because he wants her out even more than I do.

♪ Climb upon my knee Sonny Boy ♪

♪ Though you're forty-three Sonny Boy ♪

Honey?

Oh, where's Max?

Your mother took him to Sears to have his portrait taken.

Boy, are they getting clingy.

You know, I didn't realize when I married Max

that I was marrying my whole family too.

You know, I know Mr. Sheffield thinks that I'm too old

for the poster for his new show,

but perhaps if he saw me in print.

This is your high school photo.

I know, but I could look like that again

if the lights were in the perfect position.

Off?

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm just lashing out.

It's Ma. She has got to go.

Well, why don't you just tell her that you think it's time for her to leave?

How can I bust up Harold and Maude?

I don't understand what happened all of a sudden.

Why is he so attached to her?

You met his mother.

You saw how she paid him no attention at the wedding.

-She wasn't even there. -Hello.

Don't you see? He's never been pampered before.

Do you know that when he was a child and cried,

his mother left him out in the garden until he stopped?

Oh, that's horrible.

Yes, and you wonder why he clings to Sylvia.

The poor man is starved for nurturing and affection.

And I can only go so far.

Oh, my poor Maxwell.

And here I was too lazy to get out of bed

and make him a lousy blintz this morning.

Well, that's all gonna change.

From here on in, I am going to give him everything

that he was deprived of as a child.

Love, warmth, comfort.

But first, I'm gonna make up for him being bottle-fed.

Oh, God.

Did Niles die?

Honey, can't a wife order some lunch from a deli

and pretend she made it for her husband without a big to-do?

I'm just trying to pamper your father.

Well, then why didn't you make the food yourself?

Well, because I'm too young to be a widow.

Oh, he is going to be so excited

when I show up at Michael's photo shoot

with this great special picnic basket.

Fran, these blintzes are delicious. You have to give me the recipe.

Val, I already told you that I'm pretending to make it.

Well, let me tell you something, girl.

They taste real.

Niles, hurry up! I'm ready to go to Michael's photo shoot.

Sweetie, cut the price tag off of this afghan that I knitted your father.

Yo.

Niles, Michael was the one that got the modeling job.

Yes, I know, but when Carol Haney got sick inThe Pajama Game,

Shirley MacLaine went on in her place and became a star.

Yeah, you know, it's trivia like that that really works

against this whole machismo thing that you're going after.

All right. Thank you.

-Wish me luck. -Good luck.

[door closes]

Come on then, people. Let's see smiling.

Think fun, think passion.

Think paychecks.

You know, Michael's working out very well, Margaret.

I'm glad we hired him.

Yeah, but don't you think he would look better without those girls?

-Uh, which ones? -All of them.

Oh, darling, don't get jealous.

It's just work.

Fire them, Daddy.

When's lunch?

Darling, you just had an Altoid. You can't eat again until Tuesday.

Oh, Kaitlin, how many times do I have to tell you

I'm a married man?

I'll tell Kaitlin, and then I'll kill her.

Oh, Fran, darling, what are you doing here?

Oh, sweetie.

I just wanted to pop in

and see if you're okay and tell you how much I love you

and make sure you're warm and comfortable.

Oh, that's very sweet of you, darling, but I'm really very busy.

Haven't had a chance to stop.

[sniffing] Do I smell your mother's kugel mit raisins?

Oh, now, Ma's not the only one that can cook.

I made this myself.

Now, come sit down and let me pamper you.

-Mmm. -Fran, why are you doing this?

Because you were left out in the garden.

Darling, I know that makes sense in here,

but I'm out here.

Oh, sweetie, I love you so much.

I just wanna fuss over you like Ma does.

Yeah, but if I wanted someone

to cook and clean and fuss over me, I'd have married Niles.

Oh, and you didn't think this look worked for me.

Come. Come on, darling. I have a lot of work to do here,

so why don't I just finish up and you go home,

light some candles, and get the Jacuzzi ready for us, hmm?

Oh, sweetie, I'd love to,

but, you know, Mom and Dad booked the Jacuzzi for tonight.

What do you mean booked?

They made up a schedule.

Find that pretty irritating, don't you?

No, no, I...

I enjoy having your mother around.

She's a lot of fun. She makes...

She makes-- Well, all right, maybe your parents do have a few quirks.

and sometimes I do find it a little annoying that I can't use my own Jacuzzi,

my own golf clubs, my own limo.

-Uh-huh. Uh-huh. -But...

You see, you want people living in your house,

then you're not gonna always get the stuff that you want when you want it.

Remember when you wanted me and Ma came walking in

withThe Godfather, one, two and three?

Let's just say for our own sake,

I agree with you, there's nothing we can do about it.

Freida kicked your mother out and that's that.

Yeah.

Unless we could figure out a way to get Freida to sing at our wedding.

What?

Honey, you know that camcorder that we keep in our bedroom?

-Yeah. -Well, I just figured out

a whole new way to use it.

Love you.

-Did you okay this concept? -Hmm?

[doorbell rings]

Hurry up, Ma!

The Good Humor man is here.

I want toasted almond.

That's not Ricky, that's Freida.

Oops! My mistake.

-Syl. -Free.

Oh, well, this is off to a good start.

We're on half-name basis.

Ma, we were very insensitive

to Aunt Freida's feelings when we told her

-that she couldn't sing at the wedding. -I was very hurt.

And I'm not talking to you.

You know I have that exact skirt in blue.

They make it in blue?

Well, teal, but mine has Western stitching.

Ah. I don't look too good in thatHee-Haw look.

No, you could carry it.

This is how you say "I'm sorry" in Jewish.

I'm still not talking to her.

But if you see one in teal, pick me up one.

All right.

Since Freida wasn't at the wedding, I thought it would be nice

if we all watched the wedding video together.

Honey, why don't you turn it on and we'll see it.

["Bridal Chorus" playing]

She looks so beautiful.

[blowing nose]

What the hell is this?

That's your ticket home, Ma.

["Hava Nagila" playing]

[rhythmic clapping]

[singing in Hebrew]

Listen, I don't wanna say anything,

but could this chicken be drier?

I'll take the dry chicken over the fishy salmon.

Mmm. Mmm.

I don't know about you, girls, but my sea bass is delicious!

[laughing]

"Hey, why doesn't Aunt Freida sing? She's better than Lisa Minnelli."

-Liza. Liza Minnelli. -Liza Minnelli.

[Fran as Sylvia] I'll have you know,

Freida's the best singer in the world

and anyone who disagrees can settle it with me!

Oh, I have a little request from my darling Sylvala

who's always been like an older sister to me.

Hit it.

[playing piano]

♪ I remember you ♪

♪ You're the one who made My dreams come true ♪

♪ A few kisses ago ♪

♪ I remember too A distant bell ♪

♪ And stars That fell like rain ♪

♪Out of the blue

♪When my life is through

♪ And the angels Ask me to recall ♪

♪ Oh, the thrill of it all ♪

♪ Then I shall tell them ♪

♪ I remember ♪

♪ You ♪

[people applauding]

Thank you.

[sobbing]

-My God, Freida, that was beautiful. -Thank you.

Unfortunately, you can't stop after one number.

There's a Gershwin medley, a salute to Kander and Ebb--

Oh, Ma, would you just say "I'm sorry" to Freida?

Does the teal skirt come with a matching jacket?

I think so, but I can't promise that it has Western stitching.

Well, darling, you know, I have to admit, I'm gonna miss your mother

when she leaves.

♪Climb upstairs with me Sonny Boy

♪The Jacuzzi's finally free Sonny Boy

Love, warmth, comfort.

But first, I'm gonna make up for him being breast-fed.

Love, warmth, support.

But first I'm gonna make up for him being breast--

[laughing]

Love, warmth, comfort.

But first, I'm gonna make up for him being bottle-fed.

[screaming excitedly]

[theme music ends]