Original subtitles

I can't wait any longer.

-Sweetheart. -Mom.

How is she? How is the baby?

Fran, I am so sorry.

I lost the baby?

Well, let me explain.

In rare instances

the HCG levels can elevate to such a vast concentration

that it emulates--

What the hell are you talking about?

A false positive. It turns out you were never pregnant.

[all] What?

My married daughter isn't pregnant?

How could you screw up like this?

Screw up has a negative connotation.

We prefer to use the word mishap.

Well, what was all that stomach pain I was feeling?

That was caused by something you ate.

Fran, I can't tell you how sorry I am.

Darling, everything is okay.

The important thing is you're all right.

Yeah.

But you, however...

You are going to call Myra Needleman herself

and explain why the Hadassah Newsletter

suddenly has no headline!

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

Oh, you must be feeling--

I can't even imagine how you're feeling.

Oh, it's okay. You know, what are you gonna do?

I guess it just-- It wasn't meant to be.

Look on the bright side, now this'll give you time

to get used to the name Shlomo.

Why don't you go pay the bill

and I'll get my things together and then we'll go home.

-You sure you're all right? -I'm fine.

I'm absolutely, perfectly fine.

All right.

[sighs] Yeah.

Honey, you forgot to kiss me goodbye.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. Are you sure you're gonna be all right?

-You don't want me to stay with you here? -I'm okay. You can go to work.

All right.

-Love you. -Love you.

Darling, you do realize you're still holding on?

Yes, I do.

Sweetheart, would you like to talk?

Yes, I would.

Do you mind if we do it sitting down?

Okay.

There we are.

Now, darling, what's the matter?

Oh, honey, I know that I was really strong at the hospital

but to tell you the truth,

I already started loving that baby.

Oh, darling, I know, so did I. But you know what they say.

If at first you don't succeed, try and try again,

and again, and again, and again.

I love you so much right now.

Come with me, I wanna show you something.

Look at this.

I already did a little shopping.

Oh, Fran.

-What if it's a boy? -Oh, well...

Darling, the child isn't even born yet

and already you're pressuring him to be a doctor.

Well, they didn't have little lawyer suits.

-Darling, I love you so much. -I love you.

I can't wait to come home, climb into bed,

and start again-ing again.

Oh, Ma, guess what.

Maxwell and I decided that we're gonna try

and make a baby right away.

Oh, mazel tov, darling.

No jumping. No jumping.

-Love you. -I love you, son.

Everything is gonna be wonderful.

You'll have a baby before you know it.

Oy, it's gonna take forever.

He's over 40, and his sperm are practically in a coma.

Ma, what are you saying?

I'm saying his little fish are gonna need a little help swimming upstream.

-Franny? -What?

I know someone with the exact same problem.

Just got married, thought she was pregnant,

found out she wasn't.

Yetta, that's me.

Oh. Well, then you tell it.

You know something?

When my mother couldn't get pregnant,

she went to an herbologist.

And then, she had three of--

Of the dumbest kids I have ever met.

Yetta, you're talking about Val.

-Yeah. -Oh.

Well, then you tell it.

You know, it might not be a bad idea going to a herbologist.

Your cousin Merle went. Remember? Mr. Fu?

Ma, you want me to put my husband's little swimmers

in the hands of a man whose office is in a Chinese restaurant?

It's Cantonese.

And it's behind the restaurant.

Meanwhile, he gave Merle a bunch of roots and crap

and bam, she got pregnant.

All right, I'll talk to Max about it.

No.

-Why? -He'll lose confidence,

he'll feel emasculated

and then he'll never wanna have sex

with you again and then he'll--

And then you'll have her marriage.

Oh, nice.

-Would you look at all this stuff. -Yeah.

Oh, I wonder what this is for.

Oh, this is very good for the brain. Makes you smart.

Fifty cents a bottle.

And how much for two bottles?

You better take the large.

Thank you.

Hi, Mr. Fu, I'm Fran.

And, you know, we're having a little trouble conceiving.

Say no more.

This is an ancient Chinese mushroom root.

You put it in a shake and he takes one every 24 hours.

But how many times a day?

Oh, thank you.

So this stuff is really gonna make his little soldiers swim faster?

Just ask Mrs. Fu.

Congratulations, Mrs. Fu.

So the shake got you pregnant?

No, unfortunately, I also had to use Mr. Fu.

-And if you need a little extra help... -Yeah?

...eat these special almond cookies.

It'll make the two of you really hot for each other.

Wow, that's very thoughtful

but to tell you the truth, my husband and I don't need any help

-in that department. -Yeah.

Why would a woman under 30 need any help?

You know what? You better give me three dozen.

Yeah. Here, just give me the whole box.

Val, I find these instructions so confusing.

No, it's easy, Fran.

Look. Here's the protein shake that'll help Max's swimmers.

And if he's not in the mood,

here are the cookies that'll help make him frisky.

Val, I'm the cookie that'll make him frisky.

Meanwhile, I think it is high time that the Western medical community

recognize the value in ancient Chinese medicine.

Val, those smart pills are really beginning to kick in.

Isn't it prodigious?

Well, now you're just showing off.

Fran, you have time to help me with my homework?

Sure, honey, I always have time for you.

What's the subject?

Honors Algebra II.

Look, sweetie, your square root's all off.

-Fran, look, her square root's all off. -Yeah.

-Oh, yes. I see. -Yeah.

Valerie, why don't you take young Gracie upstairs

and, you know, do whatever to make it more prodigious.

What's that, Nanny Fine? Slimfast?

No.

Swimfast.

Why would a woman go to such lengths to have a baby?

You know, in fact, I was thinking about having one of those operations

but then I thought what if I marry a wealthy man

who insists I produce an heir?

Oh, stop deluding yourself.

Go ahead and have the vasectomy.

Oh, Niles.

I have such a good comeback.

But don't you have to go wash your boss's underwear?

You know, Nanny Fine may not know how to work an oven

but she knows how to get good takeout.

These cookies are delicious.

Well, they are pretty good, aren't they?

In fact, they're not bad at all.

Niles, is that a new apron you're wearing?

Have you guys seen Mom or Dad in the past couple of days?

Yeah, what have they been doing?

Hey, Niles, you know what Mom and Dad have been up to?

Erm...

They're trying to co-produce a new project.

Wow, Dad's gonna let Fran handle his business?

Eat your eggs.

Hi, baby.

Hi, dumpling.

Um, you smell good. What is that?

Lemon bowl fresh.

You're wearing those extra-wide shoulder pads today, aren't you?

I'm not wearing any.

Better.

Should we worry about this?

Let them experiment. I hope it's just a phase.

-Niles! -What?

Niles, quick, quick.

Throw this pregnancy test away. Quick, quick as you can.

Well, I could have done that. I meant throw it away outside.

Well, you could have done that, too.

It's another negative. I've been trying to hold off this bad news

as long as possible. The poor thing will fall apart.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, Maxwell, as long as I have you here, there's some business

we need to take care of. It seems that--

Stop it.

It seems Andrew Lloyd Webber was slated

to doHollywood Squares this week.

Oh, that is so typical of the man.

Oh, he's all commercial.

Honestly, he'd sell out at the drop of a hat.

And he has the gall to call himself a man of the theater?

Well, they couldn't get him. They want you instead.

Oh, I'm gonna do Hollywood Squares?

Honey.

Honey.

You seen my pregnancy test?

Sweetheart, guess who's going to meet nine celebrities

and I'm gonna let her bring her camera?

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna doHollywood Squares.

Oh,Hollywood Squares. I loveHollywood Squares.

Oh, honey, that's so exciting. Have you seen my pregnancy test?

Whoopi Goldberg's gonna be on the show and--

I know, why don't you invite your mother?

You're inviting my mother too?

Oh, the test was negative, wasn't it?

Oh, darling, darling, I'm so sorry.

I don't understand this. Why aren't we getting pregnant?

I mean, we keep trying again and again and again.

I know, darling. I know, I know.

Look, look, I'm tired, you're tired.

What do you say we just rest for a while and wait a bit until we try again, hmm?

What do you say I go

and make the arrangements forHollywood Squares

and then I'll take my beautiful wife out for a lovely, romantic dinner.

Oh, that's so sweet. I love you.

We're not going to wait.

We're gonna try again right now, aren't we?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

[sighs]

Fran, don't be so depressed.

Dr. Reynolds said there's nothing wrong with you or Maxwell.

Oh, well, then why'd she prescribe those stupid hormones for me?

Darling, taking hormones is a natural thing.

Your Aunt Addie and your Uncle Artie, both took them.

Ma, that's because Aunt Addie was Uncle Artie.

Shh.

She's collecting two Social Security checks.

All right.

You know, I never understood why people buy toilet water.

You ever smell the water in a toilet?

It's not that great.

What's the matter, Val? You stop taking your smart pills?

I had to, it gave me terrible gas.

What is the use of being brilliant when nobody wants to come near you?

Mrs. Fran Sheffield, your hormones are ready.

Shh.

Does everybody have to know my business?

It's not like when you had that nauseous-making rash.

Stop it.

Just give me my prescription, and I'll take an ovulation kit, please.

-And here. -Oy, are you a mess.

I'm glad I didn't ask you out like your mother wanted me to.

Ma.

Well, you weren't married

and... that was really it.

Well, Val, we better hurry up

because Maxwell's expecting me back at the house in an hour.

You know, the one good thing that has come out of all of this

is that it's made me and Max inseparable.

If you know what I mean.

And remember, until you're ovulating

you and your husband cannot have any sex.

Well, so far I think abstaining is going quite well.

Darling, it's been five minutes.

Would you like to watch television?

No, then we'll just have to go downstairs.

No, we've got one right up here.

Really?

We just haven't had occasion to use it.

Why don't we just try talking?

Oh, right. That's a good idea.

Oh, sweetheart, what's wrong?

Oh, maybe sex is the only thing we have in common.

Now, darling, don't be ridiculous.

We have lots of things in common.

-I don't think we do. -Oh, yes.

Yes, of course we do.

All right, darling, we should stop this.

Oh, I know.

No, darling, really.

I know, I know.

All right, I'm serious now. Stop.

All right, you know what?

Why don't we just count to three, and then we'll pull apart.

All right. On three or count to three and then pull apart?

I know. We'll make it easy. Let's just count to 300.

Right.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't wanna do anything that's going to jeopardize us making a baby.

This is ridiculous. It can't be as hard as all that.

I mean, you abstained for five years. How on Earth did you manage that?

More M&M's, sweetheart?

And in our center square, as always,

Whoopi Goldberg.

-Yetta. -Ma, are you nuts?

Why are you dressed like that?

I didn't know what to wear to this game show,

so I put on what I wore to the last one.

This is so exciting.

I can't believe that I'm this close to Whoopi Goldberg and Howie Mandel.

Now, Fran, don't take this the wrong way,

but why is your husband up there with all those famous people?

-Val, a lot of people know who Max is. -Oh.

I'll take that guy who replaced Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Okay. Maxwell Sheffield, famous Broadway producer.

Four shows on Broadway, Tony Award winner, recently knighted.

What have you got to say for yourself?

Actually, Tom, that's Andrew Lloyd Webber's bio.

Sorry. All right, here's your question, Maxwell.

"In England, what do you get when you ask a waitress for a banger?"

Well, Tom, I've got--

I'll tell you what I got, I got six months of penicillin shots.

Thank you, Martin.

I'll just wait for the laughter to die down before I give my answer.

[clears throat]

Well, Tom, when I ask for a banger, I get a slap in the face.

Sausage?

Buy a vowel.

-I agree. -Sausage is right, yes. X gets the square.

I'll take Howie Mandel to block.

All right, that's it. I want a new square.

Brad Pitt wouldn't get picked in this box.

I wanna be on top of Whoopi.

Honey, if you was Brad Pitt, you would be.

All right, all right, now. Howie, "In the story of Hanukkah

what miraculously lasted for eight days?"

Esther's husband.

Where is Fran, already?

She went to the bathroom to take her ovulation test.

-Now? -Yeah, she has to take it

the exact same time every day.

Val. Val, Val.

I'm ovulating. Now is the perfect time for me to be with Maxwell.

-What am I gonna do? -What can you do?

-He's in the middle of a TV show. -I know, I know.

All right, all right. Relax, Fran.

You know, you've gone without sex for this long.

Is another month really gonna kill you?

-Excuse me? What are you doing? -Oh, Ms. Whoopi Goldberg.

I'm so sorry, I just-- I have to have sex right now.

You know, usually they ask for my autograph. What is this?

Honey. Honey, honey, my temperature's right. It's time.

[clears throat]

I think that one took.

-Is that lemon bowl fresh I smell again? -Yes.

Well, it's disgusting. It smells like a men's room.

And you'd know.

I don't know what I found attractive about you the last few days

but you are totally back to repulsive.

Ditto.

Would you be interested in taking a Jacuzzi?

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]