Original subtitles

And you know, I never gave Maxwell a wedding gift

and since the days of me sleeping in my own room are over.

[all] Thank God.

So I was thinking, why not turn it into his very own home gym?

-That's good. -Yeah.

Keep him strong and healthy.

Men who marry the Fine women tend to die young.

Why is that?

Because they want to.

Anyway, I got this amazing contractor.

Wait till you girls see what's being done in here.

-Oh, my God. -Oh, my.

What are you doing here?

Well, I thought you were gonna be out shopping all day.

Well, I finished early. I'm good at it. What?

You said you were going to be in bed all da--

Sylvia, Yetta, do you have to stand there?

-No. -No.

I can't believe you're doing this. What must you have been thinking?

That we wouldn't get caught?

Fran, I just turned 21. I'm an adult.

Well, as an adult, I should advise you that you better get your tushy out of bed

before your daddy comes home and kills you.

Hi, I'm Nana.

And you know who's fault this is gonna turn out to be, don't you? Mine.

-Why? -Because

I'm the one that said you were an adult.

I'm the one that said you were responsible.

I'm the one that told him to trust you.

Fran, I-- Oh, my God.

And this is why men that marry Fine women die young.

MAIN TITLE

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Til her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran! ♪

What the hell do you think you were doing?

-Well, I think it's pretty obvious-- -I know what they were doing.

-I wanna know why they were doing it. -Well, I think they were--

I know why they were doing it.

Hey, what's all the noise--?

Great.

All right, how much have I missed?

Have any trust funds been cut off yet?

-Would you just get out of here? -Everybody out.

-Oh, but, Dad, this is-- -Now.

Out. Out.

I'll be in the kitchen.

Well, there's a shocker.

Honey. Honey, let's just calm down.

Maybe we should go sit around the table, have a little coffee, a little cake--

Not now.

Look, Mr. Sheffield, I think I know what you're gonna say.

-I want you out of my house. -Yep, that's what I thought.

Care to explain yourself, young lady?

Well, Fran said that whatever we do in our own apartment, we could do here.

Why don't you just feed me to the sharks, why don't you?

Ms. Fine, in my office.

Right now.

Great. Now I'm back to Ms. Fine. Thank you very much, young lady.

Oh, yes, good afternoon. I'm calling about your ad for the '93 BMW.

Yes, well, the car sounds wonderful.

Oh, you think I sound sexy, eh?

Well, I've got wavy black hair...

hazel eyes.

Oh, I'm about 6-foot-2. What about you?

I'm a petite, strawberry blond.

Oh, I like moonlight, Burt Bacharach...

and leather.

Yes, I'm alone.

Are you serious?

That'll really turn you on?

♪ I'm Popeye the Sailor Man ♪

♪ I'm Popeye the Sailor Man ♪

♪ I'm strong to the finish Cause I eat me spinach ♪

♪ I'm Popeye the Sailor Man ♪

Whoop, whoop.

You are a pathetic excuse for a man.

...turn everything into a screaming match.

Listen, I don't agree or approve of what she did either,

but she is 21 years old and she does love the guy.

If she loves him, she can wait. We waited five years.

You know, that's a little bit of a sore spot with me.

I can't believe you gave them permission to do that. And in our house.

I did not.

You know, you're just upset because you saw them.

Yes, well, you're right. Didn't care for that.

Sweetie, you must have assumed that they were--

Assuming isn't knowing. Assuming means you could be wrong.

People were assuming we were having sex when you were my nanny and they're wrong.

Again, a sore spot.

Look, I want you to talk to Margaret and forbid her from having any more.

Oh, okay, honey.

And while I'm doing that

why don't you schlep Opie to Floyd's for a haircut?

Please, would you just go and talk to her?

Oh, okay, okay.

But I'll tell you, it's gonna be pretty difficult for me to tell her

she can't do something that,

well, I recently discovered, is just so amazing.

I don't care.

Thank you. I don't care.

Oh, come on, it was just a joke.

What do I have to do to get you to sell me your car?

Well, it's a little embarrassing,

but would you consider being a workout partner

for someone who's trying to get back to a size 4?

"Back to" implies she was there once.

What would I have to do?

Well, all you'd have to do is hold her legs while she does sit-ups,

spot her when she does squats, blot the perspiration from her cleavage.

Oh, I could handle that. It's a deal.

I hope it'll be as much fun for you as it is for me.

First thing, could you help me get into this?

I hate you. I hate you.

Oh, there you are. Where have you been?

-Michael's. -Well, you know, your father wants us

to talk about what happened between you and Michael yesterday.

And I just want you to know, honey, that as your mother,

you can share with me anything and everything.

Well, that wasn't the first time Michael and I--

Don't over communicate, sweetie.

Now, come on. The important thing is that you have to talk to your father.

But before that happens, we're gonna give you a little makeover

and turn you into the Maggie that he wants to see.

The sweet, young, sexually non-active Maggie.

Fran, I really don't think that this is a good time.

Oh, honey, don't be scared.

You'll just march yourself right in there and open with,

"Daddy, your last play was so funny."

Then...

you're gonna apologize.

And as you skip out, it wouldn't be a bad idea to hold on to that.

Fran, I really need to talk to you.

Okay, sweetie, but just,

do you think that you can squeeze into this?

Fran, I think I'm pregnant.

Oh, well, then this definitely won't...

Fran? Fran?

Fran?

Nice rug.

Fran, please, I need you. You have to get up.

Oh, oh.

Oh, honey, you know, next time you tell me that you think you're pregnant,

could you do it on carpeting?

Fran, what am I gonna do?

Well, are you sure, sweetie?

All I know is that I'm late.

-Well, how late? -About a week.

Now, when you say about a week, how many days do you mean?

-Five? Six? -Eleven.

Oh, my God.

-Didn't you use protection? -Well, of course I did.

Well, you obviously didn't buy quality.

Don't you know that is the one thing you pay retail for?

Fran, what am I gonna do?

I mean, who would have thought that Daddy would be right?

You know what, honey?

Let's not go there unless we absolutely have to.

Oh, Dad.

I'm so sorry. Thank you so much. I'm never gonna do it again.

-Oh. Excellent work, sweetheart. -Thanks.

-Hi, Mom. -Oh, what do you mean by that?

Oh, you meant me. Oh, he meant me.

Good to see you, son.

Okay, now the first thing that we gotta do is buy a pregnancy test.

Who's pregnant?

Oh, Oh, um...

Yetta, you gotta promise me you're gonna forget everything you just heard.

Don't worry, it goes in one ear and--

I think we're safe.

Did you get the test?

Okay. So let's see here.

It says, "If you're not pregnant, it'll turn pink.

If you are pregnant, it will turn blue."

As will we all.

Oh, honey, this wouldn't have happened if you had just listened to me.

You said I could do whatever I want in our own house.

Whatever, not whoever.

Fran, I'm so nervous.

Oh, sweetie, listen. Whatever happens, don't worry.

You're not gonna have to go through this by yourself.

Oh, I'm so glad that I have you.

I love you.

But, you know, I don't wanna put pressure on you or anything,

but if for some reason you are pregnant,

life is going to change forever.

No husband, no house, no money.

And it ain't gonna be a picnic for you either.

[knocking on door]

Um, I'm putting on my makeup.

Oh, God, that'll take a month.

I want my money back.

Your car is a piece of junk

and it smells like some animal died in the trunk.

Ooh. Oh, no, no, he's at the vet. He's at the vet.

Sorry, buster, the check is cashed, the car is yours.

Oh, that was my life savings.

Oh, Niles, I had no idea.

It looks kind of mauve.

Well, we still have a minute left.

[knocking on door]

You know what, I'm still freshening up.

Darling, I... I had to come back and finish what you started.

So why don't you open the door and we can freshen up together?

Not now.

Sweetie.

What is going on in there?

Nothing, nothing.

[ding]

-What was that? -Um, um... a ding?

Fran, would you open the door now?

[Fran] Oh, what do I have to do to get a little privacy around here?

Lock the door?

Why is my daughter holding a pregnancy test?

Well, you know, there, there could be so many reasons.

Let me see here.

Well, suppose you give me one of those reasons right now.

-You better start thinking. -[Fran] I was gonna tell you after.

Sweetheart.

Your father thinks that we should go to the gynecologist

and find out for sure.

Oh, and sweetie, next time...

lock the door.

Fran. Maggie.

Welcome to my new examining room, Ribbons and Lace.

Wow, this place is gorgeous.

I'll tell you, it's a lot different from my old gyno's office,

but then again, how do you give a former car wash glamor?

May I offer you gals a cookie?

-No, thanks, Dr. Reynolds. -Oh, look at this.

They're shaped like giant midols. How clever.

I bake like a banshee during my time of the month.

All right, Maggie.

Here you go.

Ooh, is that stunning.

-I paint on silk on the weekends. -Oh.

-There you go, honey. -Thanks.

Fran. You're gonna stay in here with me, right?

Of course, baby, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here the whole time.

Go change.

Oh, the poor kid is so nervous.

Doctor, you have any idea when you're gonna find out the results of the tests?

It'll be under 20 minutes.

And while you wait, I have videos of the Lilith Fair.

Hey.

Oh, look at this. You keep your instruments in a bun warmer.

How considerate.

Oh, boy, I'll tell you, I'm so happy that Maggie is in such good care,

because I'll tell you, I am like a nervous wreck.

Now, what can we do to make Fran feel better?

I'll tell you, if only I could use a glass of wine.

Well, I have a dry Merlot or an oaky Chardonnay.

Maggie's test results should be ready in just a few minutes.

Oh, good. Oh...

Doc, is that you with Hillary?

Oh, yes, she comes to see me once a week.

Isn't that a little bit often?

Well, wouldn't you if he was your husband?

Oh, dear. Now, while we're waiting,

I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Have you been feeling fatigued at all?

Oh, who wouldn't be exhausted after what I've been through.

Oh, you meant her. Go ahead, sweetie.

I don't feel tired.

Have you felt a little lightheaded or nauseous?

Oh, well, if you are, you might have gotten that from me.

Ever since I came back from the island,

I have had a low-grade nauseousness.

You know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to focus on Maggie for just a moment.

Now, Maggie, have you had any cravings?

No, not really.

Okay, no cravings.

I have Ms. Sheffield's results, doctor.

Just as I suspected. Your tiny little figure is going to remain intact.

-I'm not pregnant? -You're not pregnant.

-Oh, my God. -Oh, sweetie, you're not pregnant.

Oh, my God, are you lucky.

Oh, honey, I beg of you, remember how this felt.

I know that you're old enough to make your own decisions,

but, sweetie, there are just some consequences

I don't think you're ready for.

-I love you, Fran. -I love you too, angel.

Very nice.

-I'm gonna go call Michael. -Okay. I'll meet you out there.

Oh, God, doc, I am so relieved, I can't tell you.

Before you go... come back to me.

I'd like to focus on Fran for just a little bit.

-Oh, why? -Well, fatigue, lightheadedness,

"nauseousness"?

Oh, my God, doc, are you thinking that I might be pregnant?

Oh, my God.

-Excuse me. -Yeah?

Would you happen to know who owns that BMW with the for sale sign?

What's it to you?

Oh, well, I'm a collector. I will pay top dollar.

What if I were to tell you

that I sold it to a dear friend of mine who needs the car desperately?

Well, what if I were to tell you I'll double what he paid for it?

Money talks, butler walks.

Niles.

You know, I have been thinking, and I feel so guilty

about taking your life savings that I wanna buy the car back.

Why are you being so nice?

Can't I act like a compassionate human being?

Uh, no.

There's got to be something up your sleeve,

although I don't know how anything else would fit

with that big, wide arm in there.

All right, just forget it then.

No, wait, wait. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I do want my money back.

It's just that I'm not used to you being compassionate and nice to me.

Well, don't get used to it.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

-Where's Maxwell? -He's in the study.

-Oh, Fran, my darling. -Honey. Honey.

I've got the most amazing news for you. For us.

I already know. Margaret called me

from the doctor's to give me the good news.

No, no. Something else.

And I have to say, thank God.

Well, Margaret's much too young and frankly, I'm far too old.

Well, why? What does it have to do with you?

Well, I'd insist on Margaret finishing college,

and that means you-know-who would be bringing up baby.

And we've only just got married.

I'm not ready to share you yet.

Oh, no, no, the last thing we need right now

is a baby running around the house.

Anyway, come on. Tell me, what's your good news?

Bloomingdale's is having a big shoe sale.

Oh, come here.

Yetta, why does everybody around here treat me like a baby?

They won't tell me anything.

Yeah, what about me?

People tell me everything, and in two minutes I forget.

I'm sorry, Yetta. It must be hard for you.

Well, sometimes, but sometimes it's a pleasure.

See, for instance,

if I hear news that upsets me,

ten minutes later I'm on top of the world again.

Thanks, Yetta.

For what?

You gave me something to look forward to.

Oh...

I wish you were my great-granddaughter.

I am your great-granddaughter, Yetta.

You are?

You see? I'm on top of the world again.

Ah, good, good. [laughs]

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]