Original subtitles

[sighs] Darling, please, you've kept me waiting for 45 whole minutes.

This is torture.

[Fran] No, sweetie, torture is five years.

Hi, hubby.

Oh, my God, you look gorgeous.

[chuckles] Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

Now, let me just take it off. I saved the box. I'll return it tomorrow.

No. Darling, wait, wait. You don't have to do that anymore, remember?

You're a wealthy woman now.

You can buy whatever your heart desires.

Oh, are you good in the bedroom.

Oh, sweetie, do you realize how long I've waited for this moment?

Making love to my husband, in my house,

in my bedroom,

in my 20s.

-[chuckles] -[laughs]

I'm so funny.

[Fran laughing]

Oh, Max.

Oh, Maximillian.

[loudly] Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Sheff!

Shh!

Shush?

I'm sorry, darling, but you were getting a little too loud.

I'm too loud and now was the time when you chose to tell me?

Well, perhaps I chose the wrong moment.

You think?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Well, I just wanted our first night in the house

from the island to be very special.

Just a little higher, honey.

You know, you're really not getting into it, darling.

You know, that's because I keep waiting for the shush.

-I didn't shush you. -Yeah, but you were about to.

I had that feeling. You were holding back.

-Any minute, there was gonna be a big shush coming. -Shh!

There it is! There it is.

-What are you... What are you doing? -You know what?

I can't be with you tonight, because our relationship

cannot afford one more shush.

So where are you going?

I'm going home to my mother's.

Why don't you just wait till breakfast? She'll be here.

[gasps]

You know, I cannot believe how this evening has just disintegrated.

Our first night here.

Boy, you know, when we were on the island

you were really turned on by the way I screamed.

In fact, you were so turned on, that you screamed.

Do you remember how we screamed together?

Do you know how precious that is?

Darling, it was different then. We were alone on an island.

Well, we're alone here, except for thisyenta.

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ 'Til her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran! ♪

[keys jingling]

I have a gun.

It's me.

And that's a lamb chop. Now, give it to me before someone gets hurt.

I know that trick.

What are you doing eating baby lamb at two o'clock in the morning anyway?

I can't take a pill on an empty stomach.

-What are you taking pills for? -Indigestion.

Oh, Ma, me and Max had a horrible fight.

And it was on our first night.

When we were really together as husband and wife

in our very own bedroom.

And I'll tell you, just to make matters worse--

My God, these are like butter.

So, what happened?

Max thinks I'm too loud in the bedroom.

So eat quieter food.

Oh, Ma, I think my marriage is falling apart.

I think he's wondering whether I'm the right person for him or not.

I don't wanna go on and on, but...

Did you marinate this in zesty Italian?

Darling, if you want to have a successful marriage, try to adjust.

Your father likes to speak Spanish to me in the bedroom and it drives me crazy.

But meanwhile, I learned how to say, "I have a yellow pencil."

"May I have some extra cheese on my enchilada?"

-"Where are my--" -Ma.

I know it's very enlightening to find out

that you can make love and order from El Pollo Loco...

but can we please get back to my life?

Look, if you wanna have a good marriage, it's about give and take.

Compromise. That's how you have a long-lasting relationship.

Oh, Ma, you are so wise. I love you.

And when it gets a little heated up, why don't you do what I do?

You stick a Hostess Sno Ball in your mouth.

It keeps you quiet for a good 30 seconds.

What do you do with the rest of the time?

What rest of the time?

Oh, come on, please, come out here and talk to me.

You've been in there forever.

All right. I'm sorry.

Do you think I'm too old for bangs?

So, what did I do that was so wrong, hmm?

Well, you don't talk to me nicely.

My birthday's come and gone.

To her, Niles, to her.

Well, was she right?

-I mean, do you think I'm uptight? -Nope.

-I won't fire you. -Yep.

But seriously, sir, you know, marriage is a compromise.

Oh, yes, I know, I know.

When she's passionate, aggressive, exciting, and I'm--

Not?

Look, would it kill you just for once in your life to be on my side?

You know, I'm the one who hired you in the first place.

I'm the one who lets you get away with all those little things

you think I don't know about.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother keeping you on.

That's the passion.

That's what she wants.

That's the man she's looking for.

[whispers] Although I could live without him.

I was just going out to get some fresh bagels.

Yeah. Fran, we heard the fight last night.

It happens your voice carries.

All the way to your bedroom?

Yeah, to Michigan.

All right. Okay. It's true.

Your father and I had a little tiff,

but I don't want you kids to worry about it at all.

I mean, just because I spent the night at Ma's

does not mean that we're going to be getting a divorce.

Then why did Daddy call his attorney?

What?

Kidding.

-Oh, Fran. Fran. -Oh, hi, honey.

You know that pre-med student that I told you about that I'm madly in love with?

-Yeah. -Well, I got a date with him tonight.

Oh, honey, that's fabulous.

-I know, and guess what, he's Jewish. -Ahh!

I mean, ah.

I'm not mad at you anymore, honey.

Where the hell is honey?

Ah...

Hi, sweetie.

What's this?

Well, darling, I heard what you said.

Thought I'd try to be a little more loosey-goosey.

Oh, how sweet.

But, you know, honey,

saying loosey-goosey

just means you're not loosey-goosey.

And I want you to know that I heard what you said too.

And, well, I'm going to try and be a little more [quietly] demure.

What?

Try and be a little more... [quietly] demure.

-What? -I'm gonna be more demure.

You know, darling, I had a wonderful idea.

What do you say we make arrangements for the children tonight

-and have the whole house to ourselves, hmm? -Ooh!

That way, when we come back from the business dinner, we can party hearty.

Oh, honey.

Just a hint.

Party hearty, right up there with loosey-goosey.

Oh, sweetie, you feel so strong.

Makes me feel so... [quietly] demure.

-What? -Demure.

Well, Brighton's out, Maggie's out.

Oh, and, Val, thank you so much for getting Gracie out with you tonight.

Oh, honey, it is no problem at all. I just had to cancel a date.

Oh, no. You had to cancel a date?

-No. I just wanted to hear what it sounded like. -Oh.

Oh, wow, Fran, you look gorgeous.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Sweetie, there's the door. Why are you walking that way? Why you sitting down?

What are you doing? You're making me nervous.

Fran, my new boyfriend's coming over.

I thought you were going out.

Already he's here all the time? Doesn't he have a home?

What, you want me to go over to his apartment?

Can I trust you at his apartment?

Well, you raised me.

You're going to her house.

Val's? Well, she doesn't even have her own room.

She lives on her parents' couch.

You'll have privacy. I just got the accordion door.

I get it. You want everybody out of the house so that you and Dad can...

Ugh!

Everyone's a critic.

[Niles coughing]

Niles?

What are you doing home on your night off, rubbing and coughing like that?

I think I'm coming down with something.

-Oh, you know what would be perfect for that? -Hmm?

A night at the Waldorf Astoria. All expenses paid.

Room service, Jacuzzi, special movies.

Oh, I'm just feeling so awful.

I don't even think I could make it into the taxi.

How about a limo?

Stretch?

You know, so I can lie down.

Fine. Fine.

Oh, and, Niles, by the way, you know,

when I used to pull this act with Mr. Sheffield,

I got per diem too.

I can assure you this is not an act.

[whispers] Stupid, stupid, stupid.

[both] What are you doing all dressed up?

[both] I have a business dinner with Max.

Didn't you assume that he was going to be taking his wife along?

[scoffs] Well, it'd be pretty hard, considering she's dead.

Oh, you meant you.

Miss Babcock, you know, now that Max and I are married,

I think that it would really be much better for your health

if you would just go out and get a life.

Make friends, meet people, move on.

No.

I want him, he's mine, and nobody's gonna take him from me.

And I will tell him that to his face.

Tell me what?

-What a stunner your wife is. -[Maxwell] Aww.

You know, she's right, darling. You are stunning.

Very classy.

And don't think your effort to compromise has gone unnoticed.

Oh, sweetie, I know how important this evening is to you.

-Oh... Do you really? -Yes.

Because, you know, in the past, every time a writer's had to choose

between me and Andrew Lloyd Webber

-they've always chosen not me. -Oh...

Honey, you're a wonderful producer.

Don't doubt yourself.

And, you know, this time Webber's out of town,

so he won't even be at the party.

Oh, my God, you might really have a shot.

That's why it's important we don't take any souvenirs from Wendell's house.

-Honey, that's why I took my demure purse. -Ah.

Look, I'm your wife now.

If you want conservative and classy, you got it.

Mmm. These crab cakes are delicious.

You know what, I'm just gonna take a few home

so my mother can re-create it with scrod.

-Darling. -All right already.

I told you, sir, the recipe would suffice.

Thank you.

Darling, I've just been having a word with Wendell Kent.

And at the risk of sounding immodest...

-he loves me. -[laughs]

Of course, he does, my darling, and that's why you're gonna get the job.

What's he need with that guy who brought CatsPhantom and Sunset?

You know what, I'm gonna shush myself now.

Maxwell, look who I found.

Oh, Wendell, I'd like you to meet my lovely wife.

Yes, she's already introduced herself to me.

Oh, Wendell, you misunderstood.

No. No, Wendell, this is my lovely wife.

-Ah! -How do you do?

The lady who's making every woman in the room jealous.

Is that because I'm married to such a handsome husband?

Actually, it's the way you look in that dress.

Especially from the back.

Stop it, you're embarrassing me.

-Now I can't even look at you. -Oh...

Oh, honey, honey, you did it.

-Wendell wants you to do his play. -Yes, I know, I know, I know.

And I couldn't have done it without you.

Ooh, I always want you by my side. Now go.

-Why? -Because I have to.

Well, I'll wait for you. I just wanna powder my nose, anyway.

Honey, it's a very classy joint. I'd pick up the lid.

What's the matter, sweetie?

Too uptight to go in front of me?

Me? Uptight? No. No.

Oh, good.

Oh, honey, you know, I just wanted to say,

if ever we outgrow the townhouse,

boy, this place is the kind of place we should move into. Man, it's always--

-Get out! -Ahh!

I can't do it. I can't do it.

All right, I admit it, I am uptight.

Now, please, I had two very large martinis. Go.

Okay. All right. Yes, I hear you.

Marriage is all about compromise.

This will just be something that you'll have to get used to gradually.

No, never. There are certain intimacies that should never be shared.

But I'm your wife.

Yes, I know, darling, and I love you very much.

But I'm English.

And in my country, people don't go in front of their wives.

-What's it, a law or something? -Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

Why do you think Henry VIII had so many wives?

They kept walking in on him.

You know, I'm sorry, but this isn't as if

I was trying to invade your space or something.

-I just wanted-- -I'm about to explode.

Oh, all right, I'll give you your privacy.

I'm going, okay?

Hi.

Boy, you never know a person until you go through their medicine cabinet.

No bromo, no Tagamet, no little soap bars from Sheraton Hotel.

Obviously not a Jewish household.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Oh, well, this is just ridiculous.

-Help! -Shh!

Again you're shushing me?

I don't want anyone finding us in here.

Do you know what they'll think we're doing?

Tinkling?

God, that's worse than thinking what I thought they'd be thinking.

You know, you either let me call for help,

or you learn how to tinkle in front of your wife.

Those are your choices-s-s-s-s.

Oh, stop it. You're insane.

I'm insane? I can't scream, you can't go to the bathroom in front of your wife.

What do you want me to do?

You almost done yet?

[Maxwell] Just one more second, darling.

Oh, honey, you should see the master bedroom suite.

Ooh...

Oh, they have that comforter set that I wanted

and the saleslady said it didn't come in king.

Oh, you know, if they have the dust ruffle too, heads will roll... Ahh...

Wahh...

Oh, my God!

[man] Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,

we commit thy servant Wendell Kent to you.

Honey, try and be a little positive.

I mean, I heard that Wendell left the rights to his plays to his wife.

I think you still might have a shot.

You landed on her husband and you crushed him to death.

What kind of shot do you think I still have?

Oh, don't be such a negative Ned.

Meanwhile, you're here.

I don't see Andrew Lloyd Webber paying his respects.

He doesn't have to.

His wife didn't crush Wendell to death.

I'm sorry I crushed your writer.

It was a freak accident. These things happen.

I'm lucky that I walked away with just this.

It hurts much worse than it looks.

That's the widow.

Well, move.

You know, none of this would've happened if we weren't

trying to change each other so much.

-I don't know about that. -Well, let us just recap, shall we?

You tried to loosen up, I tried to be demure,

and an innocent man is dead.

Now, I just say that we learn to live with each other exactly the way we are,

or senseless bloodshed shall continue.

There's practically no one here.

Honey, what do you expect? The man was hardly a saint.

I mean, he cheated on his wife, stole money from his family--

That's the mother.

Can we go?

[Maxwell laughing]

Oh, good God. [continues laughing]

-What's he doing? -Oh.

He's reading the play he lost to Andrew Lloyd Webber.

-Oy, it sounds hysterical. -Mm-hmm.

-[Maxwell] Fran! -Tell him I'm working.

No, you're his wife now.

Tell him I'm spending, I'm spending.

[Maxwell] Oh, Fran, you've gotta read this.

This... This play is hysterical.

Honey, you're happy? Why?

Because it's a drama.

I would have lost my shirt if you hadn't fallen on Wendell.

-Really? -Yes!

[both] May he rest in peace.

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]