Original subtitles

Sir, I have to talk about this replacement Miss Babcock sent over.

I don't like her. I don't like her at all.

Why not? She's doing a wonderful job.

-She's very efficient. -Well, I don't know.

There's just something about her that rubs me the wrong way.

Hello, hello.

Maxwell, here are the documents from your attorney.

Niles, there's something stuck to your hair.

-What? -A big fat ugly butler.

[laughs]

What's that?

A cell phone for Fran.

[clears throat] Yeah, I thought it would help

with the planning of the wedding she has to do.

Mm-hmm.

-What's that? -A pager.

With all the running I have to do,

I thought this and her own limo would come in handy.

Oh. You must've pulled a big one.

-Shall I close the door? -Why don't you?

You're on the wrong side of it.

Just tell me.

I did have a heart attack and the doctor says

it helps thin my blood if I'm kept constantly in the loop.

Oh, will you stop it?

Apparently, my finances are a lot more complicated than I thought.

My attorney thinks it's a good idea if I...

[clears throat] Well, I should...

I'm going to ask Fran to sign a prenuptial agreement.

Why don't you just walk around downtown Iraq dressed as Uncle Sam?

It'll be quicker.

Niles, this isn't just about me and Fran.

Apparently, there are some family accounts in my name.

I'm responsible for my brother, my sister, their children.

I'm just going to explain this to Fran in a calm, rational, firm tone...

Oh, here's my pretty darling!

-Doesn't that look nice? -Oh, very, very nice.

Look, I got yo some presents.

-Oh, presents. -A cell phone

-and a pager. Look, it vibrates. -Thank you. Wow.

Oh, it's vibrating.

You better page me all the time.

-It's... It's for the chauffeur of your new limo. -[gasps]

Oh, my God, my own limo. Oh, I don't know, honey.

-It just seems so show-offy. -Oh, don't worry about it.

It has tinted windows. No one will see you.

Oh, well, then what's the point?

Oh, honey, don't forget this afternoon

we're going to go see Sammy's niece, Edna.

She's a wedding photographer and she is supposed to be phenomenal.

You know, she does all of those dogs dressed as people.

She did The Beatles using four Yorkies.

Oh, it was very clever. Very clever.

Well, no worries, sweetheart.

-I've cleared the whole afternoon. -Okay.

[laughing] There is just one little favor I'd like you to do for me.

[laughing] What?

Oh, well, there's just some silly little papers I'd like you to sign.

Oh, honey, sure. Whatever you need.

You're the business head in this family.

You need me to sign something, I'll sign it.

Just as long as it's not a prenup!

[laughs hysterically]

[laughs forcefully]

Niles! Niles, where are you going?

Somewhere else. Now you're on the wrong side of the door.

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran! ♪

Is this the paper you want me to sign?

Well, it's not important right now.

Why don't you see your limo? It's out front.

Oh, no, you said you needed to get it done, let's do it.

Ah, no, what's the rush? Come on, go take a spin.

It'll be fun. Look, I'll page you.

[both laugh]

Stop it. Honey, you're being so cute and sexy.

Makes me wonder what you don't want me to see in this folder.

All right. All right, it's a prenup.

Water! Water!

I'm swallowing my tongue!

-No... -I'm swallowing my tongue!

Sweetheart, sweetheart. Just stay calm.

My... My lawyer thought it was important due to my family's estate.

Did you think that just because I sacrificed five years of my life

to raise your children so you can go off and achieve financial success

that I was going to hire some barracuda lawyer to take everything you've got

so I could retire in the Riviera and go blond?

Who thinks of such things?

Darling, it has absolutely nothing to do with us.

It has everything to do with us. It has to do with trust.

What have I ever done to make you think that I couldn't be trusted?

Oh, dear Lord, are we goin' to open that land of the giant-sized can of worms?

Well, it's obvious we have different pre-requisites for marriage, don't we?

I'm surprised that you didn't put in a clause in there

saying I have to maintain a certain weight.

[gasps]

Well...[clears throat] he... he saw your mother.

You know, two could play at this game too.

I happen to have relatives that are notary publics-slash-travelagents.

Perhaps I should have them draw a prenup to protect some of my assets. Huh!

Fine. Fine, you go right ahead!

But you better not waste any bloody time.

Don't want that Welcome Back, Kotter lunchbox

falling out of the family's hands.

Yes, what the hell do you want?

I want that blond woman out of this house.

-[knocking on door] -Oh, hi, Ma.

-Hi, darling. -Oh, you look beautiful.

How are you doing on your diet?

Good.

I thought I'd go to the photographers with you.

Yetta and Sammy are on their way over.

-Good, do we have time to talk? -They're at the curb

we have time for the Geneva Convention.

You know, Ma, Max and I had a terrible fight.

-He wants me to... -Do it.

You don't even know what it is yet.

The invitations are halfway to Israel.

That's all I need to know.

He wants me to sign a...

A prenup.

[gasps]

-Did you sign it? -No.

Why not?

Ma, I think it shows a lack of trust.

You know, Shoshanna stood up to Jerry Seinfeld.

She refused to sign that prenup of his.

And she sure showed him.

-Hey, Fran. -B, what are you doing back?

I thought that you were going to go rollerblading in the park.

Oh, I came back. I forgot a vital piece of equipment.

What?

Something that protects a vital piece of equipment.

Oh. Ah.

Ma, do you remember when I found Daddy's

and you said to me that it was a peanut dish?

Trust me, it wasn't that far from the truth.

But, darling, why are you getting so worked about this?

Prenups are very common now.

Ari Onassis even put in a mattress mambo clause

when he married Jackie.

It said she had to sleep with him a certain number of times a year.

Oh, sure. That he leaves out.

She does beautiful work.

Ooh.

Ooh.

I'm so sorry I'm late. I had to shoot some nudes.

I thought Sammy said you were shooting some dogs.

I didn't say they was pretty.

Uh, baby, this is my niece, Edna.

And this is my chick.

[both chuckling]

-Hello. -Hello.

Sammy and I might want a portrait too.

All we got now is a joint MRI.

Oh, MRI, CAT scan, angiograms.

We had some good times, didn't we, baby?

[both laugh]

How long will this take? I have a meeting in New Haven in two hours.

That is why we took two limos, yours and mine.

Note how I separate yours from mine

lest there be any confusion in the future.

Well, there won't be any confusion in the future

because what's yours is mine.

I smell love.

You must be the happy couple.

You're so pretty together. Aren't they pretty together?

[both] Very pretty.

Yeah!

I'm Edna. Come on, shake.

Come on. Good girl. Good girl.

-I have to go. -Sit.

Good boy!

So I feel that money's probably no issue here.

Of course it's an issue for me because I gotta pay my rent.

So, we'll start with the top of the line, shall we?

Excuse me, I just need to squeeze in here.

[chuckling] Yes.

Now, this wedding package comes with this fabulous wedding favor.

A 3D pop-up version of the front table.

It's very popular.

I really don't see why you can't see my side of this.

It's just a piece of paper, and if it'll make me happy

why can't you just sign the bloody thing?

Well, I'm sorry. I did not realize that this marriage

is all about just making you happy.

You know, we could make this talk.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you for the blender.

-Okay. So are you the mother? -Yeah.

-She over 30? -Uh-huh.

You need to help me out here.

Wow, these Triscuits are really stale.

Yetta, you're eating liver snaps.

[laughs]

Oh, my God, with milk? It's not kosher.

This is ridiculous. I'm not going to change my mind

and now I have to leave.

Why are you harping on this disgusting issue?

Push, push, push. You were the one that was so desperate to get married.

Me?

Yes. That's our story, and we're sticking with it.

You know where I stand on this matter.

What happens now is entirely up to you.

Well, what is that supposed to mean exactly?

If I don't sign the prenup, the wedding is off?

All right. All right, yes. That's exactly what this means.

I'm going to faint! Somebody catch me!

I got you, Sylvia.

[Fran groaning]

Val, it was horrible.

He said that the wedding is off unless I sign

and I just know that there's no way to resolve this.

I don't even know why I'm bothering to make plans.

Yes, hello. I said velour yarmulkes. Velour. Thank you.

You know, Fran, why don't you just sign the stupid thing?

He loves you, he wants to marry you

and if, God forbid, you do split up,

this provides for you as well, right?

Well, I guess so.

And not only is he protecting the same kids you want to protect,

his family's probably pressuring him too.

I mean, to them you're a nothing off the street, as am I.

So, uh, he's probably trying to get them off his back as well, right?

-Yeah, well, I guess so. -Yeah.

So from where I'm sitting

it makes perfect sense that he would want a prenup. Mm-hmm.

You know, I think that ginkgo's beginning to kick in.

[phone ringing]

-Oh. -No, no. It's that one.

-Oh. -The ginkgo.

So many phones. Hello?

Yes, this is the Sheffield residence.

Oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, yes.

Yes, okay. Yes, thank you. Thank you, I'll be right over.

-[gasps] -Oh, my God.

Brighton got into an accident playing roller hockey.

He hit his head. He's at St. Paul's Hospital.

Listen to me. You have got to call Mr. Sheffield's assistant

and tell her to call him.

Then call Gracie's friend Marcy's house

and tell her to send Gracie right home.

Then wait here for Maggie to come home from her late class

and tell Maggie to wait here for Gracie,

and then take Gracie to the hospital and meet me there.

[sobbing] Oh, Fran!

Oh, Val, Brighton's going to be okay.

No! I don't know anything you just said to me.

I'll call you from the car.

Brighton Sheffield! Brighton Sheffield!

I'm here to see Brighton Sheffield. Where is he? Is he okay?

We just brought him down from a CAT scan. He's back in his room.

You his mother?

Well, obviously, it doesn't say his age on that chart.

I'm his nanny. Now, where is he, where can I go?

Are you a legal guardian?

Well, no, but just point me where his room is.

I'm sorry you can't see him. It's immediate family only.

He's a minor. Those are the rules.

Oh, my God.

You know, honey, you could buy

a lot of liquid white shoe polish for this.

No.

When a family member gets here, you can go in then.

But they told me to rush right down here and I did.

That's all they said that I had to do,

was come here and that's what I did!

Now give my daughter her shot!

Well, it worked in Terms of Endearment.

[indistinct conversations]

-Hello, Sister. -Oh, hey, bro...

I mean, my child.

-He'll be fine, just a little concussion. -Oh, thank God.

You're allowed to wear makeup? What order are you from?

[stuttering] The Sisters of the Divine.

Miss M.

Shalom.

B, B, can you hear me?

Oh, Sister. Sister, I swear.

I don't know how I wrote the exact same story as John Steinbeck.

Brighton, Brighton, it's me, Fran, I'm the one who taught you how to do that.

Remember?

How did this happen to you?

Well, I was skating with these two cute girls really fast

towards a brick wall and... [sighs]

-And? -And they knew how to turn.

-Is he okay? -Yes, yes. He'll be fine.

It's just a little bump on the head.

Let me fill you in on what happened.

Fran, isn't it obvious?

He was chasing after some girl he didn't have a chance with

and ran into a wall.

Nurse says no dairy.

And then they wouldn't let Fran in so she had to dress like a nun.

Or sourdough.

Can I at least have the cookie?

It's raisin. You don't like it.

Now, honey, why weren't you wearing your helmet?

Don't you know that you always have to use protection?

That goes for you too, missy.

Fran, I don't know why you're getting so upset. I'm fine.

What, are you kidding me? I was so worried. I love you guys so much.

I don't want anything to ever happen to any of you.

Don't you know that you mean the world to me?

[whimpers]

Hello there.

Well, I've just been filled in by the doctor,

and it seems we can take you home.

Just going to have a headache for a few days.

Give you a glimpse into the world of marriage.

You will just buy anything at a sale, won't you?

They wouldn't let her in because she's not family or his legal guardian.

Oh.

[clears throat] Look, I'm...

I'm sorry.

Well, I'm... I'm sorry, too.

I shouldn't have let you leave angry.

Well, I just never...

I really cannot talk to you dressed like that.

It's a boarding school thing. It makes me very uncomfortable.

You? I'm wearing the clothes of a woman that never marries

and lives a life of celibacy.

Did I miss my calling?

[both laugh]

[Fran] Oh.

Goodnight, Piles.

Niles.

You say tomato...

You know something, lady?

You're just a pale imitation of the C.C. Babcock I know.

You're not half the man she is.

You know, Niles, it's a shame we didn't get along.

I find myself strangely attracted to you.

You said I was a big fat ugly butler.

You don't know my type.

Taking the night off. If I'm not back in the morning...

Yay.

Hi.

So where did you disappear to after we brought B home?

-[sighs] I took a little walk. -Oh.

The phone call every parent dreads.

Had to give my insides time to fall back into place.

Oh, I hear you.

Boy, it sorta makes everything else seem so unimportant.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I decided to sign the prenup.

-Really? -Yeah.

You know, I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you

so if this is what it takes, then fine. Give it to me.

All right.

Now, this is the place where you're supposed to say,

"No, darling, I trust you,

and I know we're going to spend

the rest of our lives together." You know?

Oh, give me it.

You know, Fran, you were right when you said

what happened today put everything into perspective.

Hey, this doesn't look anything like the papers you gave me before.

That's because they're not.

-They're not? -No. This is.

Those are the first stages of the adoption papers.

I want you to be the children's mother. Legally.

You do?

I always thought Sara and I would be raising the children together and then...

Well, I never really thought they'd be truly happy again.

But you know, they are.

And that's thanks to you.

Mmm.

I just love the children so very much.

And I love you.

And I meant what I said before. I want to sign this prenup.

I just want to add a little Ari Onassis clause.

Don't worry, it's a win-win thing.

-Sweetheart, that won't be necessary. -Why?

Because this is the time I say

I trust you and I know we'll be happy for the rest of our lives.

Aw.

Hey, Yetta, what are you reading?

The Money Club.

Some Park Avenue ladies invested

their money together and made a fortune.

So I got all the gals at the home to pool their resources.

What are you going to invest in?

We bought the book.

Where are you going?

I have to go with Fran to traffic court.

She's going to talk her way out of a parking ticket.

Come on, honey.

We'll go pick up a knish on the way.

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]