Original subtitles

[sniffs]

Niles, what is that sickeningly sweet, overpowering smell?

The cologne you gave me for my birthday.

Don't you just love it? What's it called again?

"Tester."

Say, wait a minute.

Cologne? What's that? New oven mitts?

And you're wearing a girdle.

Ms. Babcock is coming home from the sanitarium.

This has nothing to do with her.

I'm wearing it because I pulled my back.

Oh yeah, sure and I wear a Wonderbra

because I sprained my breasts.

-Oh, hi, darling. -Good morning, darling.

Oh, what have we here?

The proposal from the wedding planner?

-Uh, yeah. -Now, tell me,

is the caterer gonna be charging us

by the person or by the couple?

Well, after all the samples that me and Ma consumed,

the caterer decided to charge my side of the family

per person as a couple.

Well, that's outrageous.

The bartender's doing the same thing with your side.

We don't really have to use this guy.

I mean, I could plan this wedding myself.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We want it to be nice.

I mean, you know, fancy. Classy.

[clears throat] When do they need the deposit?

You don't think that I can make a nice affair?

Listen, I know how it's done. You just need a very good theme.

Something that's elegant and understated.

Starlight Express. Do you skate?

Fran, it's not that the Duchess of Kent

wouldn't love to arrive at the dais

on Rollerblades, but you're my princess.

I want this to be the wedding of your dreams.

But...

This is the wedding of mydreams.

Sir, it's your brother with some urgent news.

Oh, yes, Nigel, what is it?

Oh, my God. I see.

Yes. Well, thank you for calling.

-Goodbye. -What?

That was Nigel. Apparently, last night,

my father passed away.

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry.

Hello, hello, I'm back.

Well, what's with the sourpusses? Who died?

♪ She was working in a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

Let's have the Sheffields in here, please.

-Max, hello. -Chandler.

-Thank you. -Sit here.

I'm just so embarrassed.

I mean, I hardly knew Grandpa.

But I felt close to him, after all those heartfelt cards

his secretary wrote us on our birthdays.

She never forgot.

Oh, you know, honey, just let it out.

But at least you know what happened to your grandpa.

Mine stepped into a magician's box in the Catskills

and was never seen again.

Many years later, someone spotted him

with a magician's assistant in Miami.

But nothing was ever proven.

Please be seated.

First of all, uh, let me say how sorry I am for your loss.

[sobbing]

Oh, Maggs, it's okay.

I cried like a baby, too, when I realized

how much money we're gonna inherit.

Brighton, please.

Not everything is just about money, you know.

Really, Brighton, have a little more sensitivity.

It happens to be very traumatic when a man loses his father.

He's no longer the son looking up to somebody.

He's now the one that's next in line to die.

It's lonely. It's aging.

Thanks, dear.

Lean on me, baby.

Anyway, getting down to business,

your father left you all...

What? The racehorses, the Ferrari,

the country house in Tuscany?

-A videotape. -Damn.

Brighton, please, look, your grandfather

may have been cold, selfish and detached,

but to me, he will always be "sir."

In any case, uh, Mr. Sheffield Sr. made this tape

to convey his plans,

uh, regarding his estate.

I can never get this thing to work.

Oh, give me that.

Channel three, video one, extended play. Go, go, go.

To my three children

who have enjoyed all the privileges

of the Sheffield name and upbringing,

I leave my sincere wishes for a long and happy life

and a few little trinkets for the grandchildren.

Please tell me the racehorse's name is "Trinket."

Yes, and what about the bulk of his estate?

You may be wondering what's the plan are

for the bulk of my estate.

Yes.

Well, let me explain.

Gee, too bad you two couldn't communicate like this

when he was alive.

There's a woman who was never able to enjoy the privileges

that come along with being a Sheffield.

My fourth child,

Concepcion.

[stutters] What? Well, where did this fourth child come from?

Well, I guess Concepcion wasn't immaculate.

To her, I leave my entire estate.

Well, that's that then.

Good luck.

Goodbye.

Ta-ta.

I can't believe this.

Send her in, please.

Hola.

I'm Maria de la Concepcion Bustillo Garcia Delamo

Sheffield.

It is your father's wish that his estate

in the amount of $100 million goes to her.

Auntie Concepcion.

Brighton, would you knock it off?

Look, my father was such a philanderer,

he'd believe anyone who claimed to be his child.

What proof do we have this woman and I are related?

Well, let's get to know her a little bit.

Hi, honey. Are you married?

Oh, well, I was living with a man for five years,

but I couldn't make a commitment.

Well, there's your DNA test.

Oh, I cannot believe how many people

showed up for that memorial.

My tongue is so dry from putting stamps

-on all these thank-you notices. -Hmm.

Are you sure I wasn't mentioned in the will?

He always said I was like a son to him.

You were. You got bubkes too.

I'm supposed to be jumping up and down

because Grandpa left me a cracked porcelain doll?

I mean, you could buy a car with how much that stamp collection

you inherited is worth.

You know, most people don't have what we have.

Maybe this will give you the opportunity to understand

something beyond your privileged existence.

You do know that if Dad hasn't socked anything away,

he's gonna have to dip into your trust fund.

He can do that?

You know, I don't believe you kids.

You just lost your grandfather, you just found out

that you have a new member of the family

and all you three are focused on is the money.

I'm very disappointed in you

and I think you should go to your rooms

-and really think about this. -Sorry, Fran.

-Yeah, well. -Well, Brighton brought it up.

She's always been poor. What's it to her?

Can you believe those kids?

Making something out of nothing?

They are making something out of nothing, aren't they?

[exclaims] After not having been

in my apartment for three months,

I really had to air it out.

It smelled like a cat died in there.

[gasps]

-You have a dog. -Oh!

[gasps]

We're taking care of him.

Perhaps what you smelled in your apartment

was the stench of your decaying youth.

You know, Niles, I learned something at the place.

If 220 volts of electricity can't hurt me,

300 pounds of butler sure can't.

Well, are you happy to have your little friend home?

Oh, it's all right.

So, isn't it a pity that

Maxwell's father left all his money to a trollop?

Oh, he left something for me?

Oh, you meant her.

So Nanny Fine, what are you gonna do

now that the wedding's off?

Well, who said anything about the wedding being off?

[chuckles] Nanny Fine, without his inheritance,

Maxwell will run out of money like that.

It takes a lot of money to keep you looking that cheap.

Well, for your information, it would not matter to me

if Maxwell were completely broke,

because I am not in it for the money.

I'm in it for love.

Well, isn't that sweet?

We'll see if you feel the same way

when Maxwell has to move in with you and your mother.

Think about it, Nanny Fine. [laughing]

[burps]

Hi, honey.

Bad news. The doctor says I gotta quit the paper route.

I'm getting too big for the bike.

Darling, come here and let Daddy give you some sugar.

[burps]

Uh... Look, here. I was looking through the want ads.

I thought I'd circle a few things you were qualified to do.

But there's nothing circled here, my pet.

No kidding.

Oh, now, this is ridiculous. We're overreacting.

I mean, a smart man like Mr. Sheffield

isn't gonna burn through his own money

because he knows that he's got his father's hundred mil coming.

We would, but he wouldn't.

Oh, I'm sure you're right. There's nothing to worry about.

If Maxwell were seriously counting on his inheritance,

he'd be rushing off to London to contest the will.

Just off to London on the Concorde.

Nothing to worry about.

Uh-oh...

Well, I must say. So far, I am enjoying

my return to sanity very much.

I can't believe this is happening.

I love this house.

Well, get used to it, Ma.

Because we're one step away from the poor house.

[sobs] I hate the poor house.

Look, we're just going to have

to learn to economize. That's all.

I mean, the kids will get used to wearing hand-me-downs.

Maggie will give her skirts to Gracie.

Gracie will give her skirts to me.

What are you, nuts?

What is the one thing that I taught you?

Death begins in the colon?

That and don't give up without a fight.

Go and get that inheritance back from Conception.

Why should she wind up with our money?

She's not even a real Sheffield like us.

Ma, we're just gonna have to learn

to save like normal people.

Beginning with,

why is Mr. Sheffield paying for this wedding?

Isn't it traditional

for the bride's parents to pay for it?

Haven't you guys been saving for years?

Well, we were, but when you turned 30,

we thought it was safe to spend it on a Buick.

Oh, Ma, I'm just so worried about the Sheffields.

I mean, they're used to the finer things in life.

They're not like me.

I know what it's like to scrimp, struggle, go hungry.

You're gonna march your tuchus

right down to that gold digger's hotel

and protect your family from losing all of this.

I know. Max and the kids mean everything.

What Max? I'm talking about me and Daddy.

-Hola! -Francesca.

Muy!

I love what you're wearing. You got such great taste.

Ma, I want you to meet Concepcion.

-And this is my mother. -Consuela.

Uh, Sylvi-oh.

[both] You see, that's how I want my hair.

Consuelo, you really had a pretty hot affair

with Maxwell'sfather, huh?

Yes, I was a flamenco dancer.

[exclaims]

So, why did you stop?

Who says I stopped?

-Fran, come sit down. -Okay.

So, what can I do for you?

Look, let's not beat around the bush.

Where is the room service menu?

-Here it is. -Okay.

It's so hard for me to accept that this is all mine.

-But I guess I'll have to adapt. -Ha! [laughs]

-You know, Concepcion. -Mm.

Uh, me and your brother are gonna be married

in less than a month

and if you and your mother are still in town,

I'd just love you to come and pay

for the wedding. Did I say pay?

-We'd love to come. -Oh, good. [laughs]

Oh, this platter looks like it's enough for us.

No, no, no. It says, "Served from 8:00 to 11:00."

Hmm.

Well, that's no good.

Let me offer you something to drink.

Okay.

You know, Connie. Just a little hypothetical here.

What if, like, you had all of my money?

What would be a tactful way for me to ask for it back

and still come out smelling like a rose?

Oh, you're so funny,chica.

-"Funnychica", -[laughs]

Oh, you and I are gonna be good friends.

Oh, good. [laughs]

-Oh, Fran. -Yes?

You know, my whole life, I felt I was nothing

and that my father was ashamed of me.

-Oh. -But him leaving me

all this money proves that I lived in his heart.

Oh! Oy.

You're so lucky.

You have a home, beautiful children

and a man who loves you.

Double oy.

You know, Niles, when I was away at the...

place.

It was really scary

because when I was all doped up, I kept hearing these voices.

"Maxwell loves Fran.

You're alone and old."

"You have to wear a straightjacket

to feel a man's arms around you."

That was you?

You did come and visit me, you old softy.

Oh, God, all is right with the world.

Maxwell's father is dead.

He left Maxwell broke and in desperate need of a rich wife.

Oh, welcome home, sir.

Oh, is it hot in here?

Oh, welcome home, Maxwell.

How's the family, sir?

Well, they're dealing with it as best they can, Niles.

Nigel wanted to contest the will,

but the lawyer seems to think it's ironclad.

Oh, that is despicable.

Maxwell, let me put this delicately.

I have 20 mil, I'll buy my own ring, I have no pride.

Oh, I've missed that sense of humor, C.C.

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

[sighs] Oh, hi, honey. Oh, I'm so glad you're home.

-I missed you. -Darling.

-I've missed you too. -How'd it go?

Well, the will is incontestable I'm afraid,

but, Niles, now, there's a list here of things

from my father's estate that have to go to Concepcion.

Just a few dusty old antiquities we can live without.

Oh, sir, this just isn't fair. Ms. Babcock's not on the list.

Honey, I wanna talk to you.

I've given this a lot of thought and, you know,

I have been poor and I can be poor again.

But you don't know what it is to be broke.

And you got the kids to think about...

No, wait, Fran, what are you saying?

Well, I'm saying that

if you need to marry a woman with money

to preserve your lifestyle,

I will understand

and I'll let you out of your commitment.

It's just as easy to marry a rich girl

as it is to marry a poor one.

That's an interesting saying. I've not heard that one before.

Me and my big mouth.

Fran, are you sure you don't want to reconsider?

I mean, it is just as easy to marry a rich man

as it is to marry a poor one.

Actually, it's not.

Fran, I'm not broke.

Far from it. I'm a very successful Broadway producer.

Sometimes, I'm a very successful producer.

I have had a hit on occasion.

Oh, come on. Look, they're not taking everything.

Oh, honey. Tell me the truth.

-You can be honest with me. -We are not going to starve.

Unless your mother moves in with us.

Oh, look, we're not down and out yet.

Don't you worry, I've still got a few things up my sleeve.

Your watch, sir.

Thank you.

Oh, sweetie, don't worry about it.

I'll replace it wholesale from Avenue K.

Which incidentally is gonna be

the first letter of your new Cartier. [laughs]

That is so sweet of you.

Honey, you know, I was trying to help you today

and I... I went over to Waldorf Towers...

Oh, no. Oh, Fran. Dear God. You didn't go traipsing over

to see Concepcion and try to talk her

into giving back the money

against my father's dying wishes?

-Oh! -What did she say?

I couldn't ask her for it, sweetie.

I just felt so sorry for her.

I mean, she's got all that money, but I've got you.

Darling.

Do you know what worried me most about my father dying

and leaving me nothing?

The leaving you nothing part?

No.

The thought of I'd be losingyou.

Aww!

I mean, you know, I'm not the man

I was when I proposed to you, Fran.

[giggles]

Wait a minute. We are still talking about the money.

I mean, there wasn't like an accident or anything?

No, no, just the money.

Oh, sweetie, I love you so much.

For rich or for poorer.

Which I'm hoping is at least a split-level in Long Island?

Oh!

Darling, it won't have to cometo that.

I want you to have the house of your dreams.

But that is the house of my dreams.

[doorbell rings]

-Sir. -Niles.

Chandler, what on Earth are you doing here?

I have just come from a meeting with Concepcion

who has decided to share

her inheritance with her new siblings.

-What? -What?

But I don't understand.

I thought you said you didn't ask for the money back.

I didn't. I just welcomed her into the family.

Which is all she ever really wanted.

-Aww! -Oh.

Baby, you're the greatest.

You know, Ms. Babcock.

With Mr. Sheffield and Ms. Fine doing so well,

no one would fault you if you went back to the asylum

for a little jolt.

Actually, Niles, I think I'm handling it very well.

What?

I'm just responding to what you said.

I didn't say a word.

What do you mean you didn't say anything?

I distinctly heard you say something about the asylum.

Are you insinuating that I am in some way...

Wasn't Niles just here?

I didn't see him.

Tell your father that I'll be back in a few weeks.

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]

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