Original subtitles

Ah, good afternoon, Ms. Fine.

Good afternoon, Mr. Sheffield.

You know, the kids are at school.

Niles is shopping.

We could do it.

[slears throat] All right.

Hi, Fran.

Hi, Max.

You look beautiful, Fran.

Oh! Over 40 and you can say it again so quick.

I'm home.

Oh. Eyelash, right there. I got it,

-Ms. Fine. -Thanks. Thanks.

Good cover there, uh, "Max."

Who told you about the first-name thing?

The guy that owns the fruit stand.

How the hell does he know?

I'm making ambrosia tonight.

-Fran, guess what. -What?

My friend, Billy invited me to spend term break

with him and his family in the Middle East.

-Oh. -Oh,

that is so exciting, sweetheart.

You know, his father is royalty.

Yeah, he's the Sultan of Koorestan.

Wow! Gee, I wonder if he knows my cousin, Barry,

the waterbed king.

So can I go, Daddy?

Maggie and Brighton are going away.

Oh, sweetheart. As much as I'd like you to go to Koorestan,

it's very, very far away.

Yeah, honey. We'll have a good time here.

The house will be empty.

It'll just be your father and me and...

You know, I don't think Niles

has ever been to the Middle East.

No, not Niles. I need him here.

I have a mountain of work to do.

I... I tell you what, Ms. Fine. Why don't you take her?

[laughs awkwardly] Excuse me, honey.

You know,

I think this little girl will be very disappointed

if she doesn't go with Niles.

Grace has never been anywhere with Niles.

This little girl.

Honey, honey, honey. Go upstairs.

-Let me talk to your father. -Okay.

Well, I'm obviously being a little too subtle here.

But with the kids out of the house,

we could call each other Fran and Max

in every room of the house.

Look at that.

Tempting as that sounds, Fran. This is a very busy time for me.

I have investors to entertain

and I'd like to serve them something

other than Gino's Pizza Rolls.

One brunch and I'm branded for life.

I don't understand why you don't wanna spend time with me.

Wait, who said I don't wanna spend time with you?

-I have to earn a living. -Ah!

That's right. I have expenses.

You know, this year alone, my food bill doubled.

Now, please let's not bring my mother into this.

Oh, God.

I guess I'm going back to the desert.

But I might not return that quickly.

Our people tend to dilly-dally there.

-Fran, come on. -Ms. Fine!

You and Nanny Fine are having a big, old fight

about shipping her off to the Middle East.

-Who told you that? -The garbage man.

♪ She was working in a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

I know, honey.

It's just that I keep running this fight that I had

with your father over and over in my mind.

I don't know how I'm gonna have a good time.

Wow! Is this place drop-dead gorgeous?

This is even more beautiful than the Taj Mahal.

Fran, when were you in India?

Trump opened another one in India?

Now, this would be your room

and Ms. Grace's room is connected through that door.

Wow, you guys really went all out at the Bombay Company.

Now, His Majesty, the Sultan is expecting you for dinner.

-Okay. -And he requests

that you both wear traditional garb

which you'll find in your closets.

Oh, boy.

Gee, do you have anything that breathes a little bit?

Because I know that it's a dry heat,

but at 117 degrees,

any way you look at it, it's aschvitz

[exclaims]

Gracie, if I die tomorrow...

Toi, toi, toi.

I can honestly say I was treated like royalty.

We napped in satin sheets, we bathed in lilac-scented water

and even in Arabic,

"Alf" transcends the language barrier.

Gracie! I'm so happy to see you.

Hi, Billy.

Smile.

Fran, this is my friend, Billy.

Oh, hi. My compliments on your beautiful home.

Who designed it?

It was built during the First Dynasty

by the Sultan Ali.

Oh, wow, do you have his card?

Because my Aunt Ceil is thinking

of adding an island to her kitchen.

Billy, you said you had a camel. Can we go see it?

Sure. But while you're here.

It's, uh, customary to address me as Prince Mohammed.

But, Prince Mohammed,

your nickname at school is Goober.

His Highness, the sultan.

King Hassan...

It is a pleasure finally to meet my son's American guests.

Ms. Sheffield, Ms. Fine.

-Hi. -Welcome.

You know, you look exactly like...

Like you do on the back of the Koorestan Shekel.

Yes.

Sometimes, I like to make a bet with someone.

So I can flip it in the air and shout

"Tails or me!" [laughs]

-Tails or me. -[laughs] That's a good one.

Can I take a picture of us?

I have it all set for self-timer.

Come on, everybody. Smush

Cheese.

-[shutter clicking] -[Fran chuckles]

I'll make copies for everybody. It'll be a very nice memento.

[music playing on TV]

[sighs]

Oh! Oh!

Master Brighton, just because

your vacation plans fell through,

you don't have to sit around like a zombie.

This is the most exciting city in the world. Go out.

There are parks, museums, concerts.

Uh-huh, yeah. Look, can you move?

I can't see Yasmine Bleeth's butt.

Hello, I was watching that.

Well, now you're watching this.

You watchingClueless?

Wouldn't that be a little bit redundant?

Well, at least I'm not watching

the "women I'll never get within 100 miles of" channel.

You know what, shut up! I'm so sick of this.

All right! That's it!

Everybody up and out,

or I will tell your father that you...

That you...

God, you kids are dull.

Just go out and get something pierced!

What's gotten into him?

[groans]

Oh, honestly, Niles.

Am I the only one who does any work around here?

I'm going to let that pass.

I know that you are angry

because you had a fight with Ms. Fine.

And she has to understand

that I cannot just drop everything

to spend time with her.

Right. She has to understand that men are the providers.

The warriors, the hunters.

Oh, I am killing myself. I didn't get tulips.

-Oh, why can't a woman be more like a man? -Hmm.

Well, there's your prototype.

Oh, Your Highness, this has been an incredible five days.

Thank you so much for inviting me to this party.

-No. -[applause]

You know, Fran, I did not even think

I would have a chance to dance with you.

When Hosni Mubarak gets a few drinks in him,

he becomes quite the chatterbox.

Oh, here.

Oh, thank you.

Gee, you know, I love your pin. It's so gorgeous.

Well. Then it is yours.

Oh, no. No, I couldn't.

Oh, but you must.

It is customary in our country

when a guest admires a possession,

-she must have it. -Oh, did I say "pin"?

I meant "palace." [laughs]

No, you know, it's very beautiful,

but it's really more my mother. [chuckles]

Then I think I should love your mother.

Uh-oh... Now, she's yours.

-Oh. [laughs] -[laughs]

Oh, I'll be honest with you, Your Highness.

I really didn't wanna come here at first,

but I'm having a wonderful time.

Are you not homesick?

I was a little homesick,

but then I went downtown and I found a Golden Arches.

I'll tell you, they'd make a mint selling

that McShawarma back in the States.

Thank you.

-Oh, Fran. -Yes?

I have enjoyed your company immensely.

And my son, he... he adores you.

Oh, he is such a sweet boy.

I'll tell you, everybody has been so nice.

I'm gonna miss this place.

Then why don't you stay?

Well, you know, I... I would,

but I'm on a restricted ticket

and that would mean another 72.50 if I...

No. No, no, no.

Fran, I mean why don't you stay and live with us,

here in the palace forever?

Oh, forever?

Oh, um, oh, Your Highness, um...

Well, that would mean that I wouldn't be home in time

for the last episode ofSeinfeld.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hello, Sheffield residence.

Ma, I gotta talk to you.

[chuckles] How did you know I was here?

I got calls from Brighton, Maggie,

Niles and Roger Clinton next door.

He said his pizza was never delivered.

He should thank me.

Chunky runs in that family.

Ma, I gotta tell you something you're not gonna believe.

I think I just got a marriage proposal.

What? You live with a gorgeous millionaire

who is this close to a son to me.

Who is thisyutz

The king of this country.

Is he tall?

Ma!

Six-one-ish.

The point is, I'm in love with Mr. Sheffield.

Has he mentioned me? Does he miss me?

I have not seen him all week.

If I didn't know better,

I would think it was intentional.

-[knock on door] -Oh, Ma, I gotta go.

I think that's my lady-in-waiting

bringing me my Diet Pepsi.

Bye. [kisses]

Coming!

Oh, Your Highness.

[stutters] What are you doing here?

I sent a message for you to meet me on the veranda.

Oh, you meant my veranda. Because you know, there's like

200 verandas sticking out of this place.

You'll have to be more specific.

If this is awkward for you, I can leave.

Oh, no, no, you might as well stay.

I mean, you walked the two miles down the corridor to get here.

Come in.

I have come for my answer.

Will you stay?

You know, I am really, very flattered,

but we hardly know each other.

But I know you're beautiful,

intelligent,

charming.

And I know you're a king.

All right, we bonded.

The thing is, um,

I'm really sort of involved with Mr. Sheffield.

I mean, Maxwell.

We are on a first-name basis, you know.

It's just we don't say it

in front of other people is the thing.

But, we've only been together for five years.

We don't wanna rush these things.

Does that sound as pathetic to you

as it did to me?

Ah, the Englishman.

What can this man possibly offer you that I cannot?

You know, you're offering me everything

that I have ever dreamed of.

But I... I can't stay. I...

I must say no.

I should warn you, I do not give up easily.

I am a man who does not like the answer "no."

Well, I'm... I'm sure I can't be

the first girl to ever say no to you.

I mean, what are you gonna do, chop my head off? [laughs]

Kidding.

What's that?

It's my present for Mr. Sheffield.

-Next week is his birthday. -Why didn't you remind me?

You are just trying to make me look bad.

No. That would be gilding the lily.

Niles, hasn't Ms. Fine even bothered

to call to check up on the children?

I believe they're all right, sir.

Well, then I guess it's time to get back to work.

Maxwell, I finished our work so we'd have some free time.

Isn't she a good girl?

But I can also be bad.

No, sir. No postcards from Ms. Fine, either.

Oh, Niles, what have I done?

I mean, what was she asking for after all? Hmm?

Just to spend a little more time with me?

I guess I'll just admit I was wrong

and ask her forgiveness.

No. That would be the worst thing you could do.

It's weak. You wanna get to her?

Make believe you're with another woman.

Uh...No, C.C., I'm gonna go upstairs and call her right now.

Wait! Wait! I have a surprise for you.

Happy birthday!

I know it's a week early, but I thought,

you know, you could use it now.

Oh, an airline ticket to Koorestan.

C.C., you are a hopeless romantic. Mwah.

Niles, pack my bags!

I guess you're not the only one who can be bad.

But, Fran, I don't wanna go home.

I'm having a blast.

And besides, Billy and I

are even going for a camel ride later.

Honey, I got an Aunt Gert at home with a hump.

You can ride her up and down

Queens Boulevard all you want once we go home.

Go to the armoire, get all my clothes.

I'm gonna get the tickets.

Where are the tickets and the passports?

Fran, all your clothes are gone.

All of them?

-Something's not kosher here. -Honey, nothing's kosher here.

All right, listen.

Uh, you know what? You stay put.

I'm gonna go talk to the sultan and find out what's going on.

I'll be right back.

Oh. Oh. Oh!

Oh. Oh.

Honey.

I guess he really wouldn't take no for an answer.

Boy, I don't wanna scare you, sweetie,

but I think we're being held hostage here!

Oh, my God, this is like that movie,

Not Without My Daughter.

Which, personally, I think was a poor choice

to show on the plane over here.

Well, that guard might be good at holding an AK-47,

but he sure isn't good at holding his Snapple.

Fran, do you really think this is gonna work?

Sure, sure. Honey, we'll just be casual.

We look like belly dancers,

we'll waltz our way out of here. Follow me.

[clapping]

Aah.

Ms. Fine, what are you doing?

Uh, staying alive?

Uh... Well, actually, you know, king,

we were looking for you

because we were gonna go into town,

maybe have a little lunch,

go visit the American Embassy.

Would you be up for something like that?

Ms. Fine. Ms. Fine. Oh, Ms. Fine! There you are!

-Daddy! -Finally, I found you.

What are you doing? How did you get in the palace?

[stutters] I just knocked on the palace door

and before I knew it, everyone's bowing

and scraping and kissing my ring.

I have to say this is the friendliest

bloody country in the world.

Yeah. Well, it's a little too friendly if you ask me. Ow! Ow!

Hello. Maxwell Sheffield.

His Majesty, the Sultan...

Hassan.

Oh. Oh! Oh. [clears throat]

-Well, Your Majesty. -So...

This is the man you say I remind you of?

Really?

-I don't see it. -I don't see it.

This man was holding us hostage here!

[scoffs] What do you mean, hostage?

Oh, come now.

I reject you and suddenly

I can't find my tickets or my passport?

I had them locked up in the palace safe.

They're worth a great deal of money on the black market.

Uh-huh. And why was there a guard outside of our door?

There were some terrorist threats.

I wanted to ensure your safety.

All right, Mr. Know-It-All.

How do you get the nougat inside a 3 Musketeers bar?

Actually, it's a three-tiered process.

First, they turn the nougat into a strip...

Okay, okay.

I'm telling you, Mr. Sheffield.

This man was forcing me to stay here

to be his wife. Go on. Tell him.

Wife? Ha.

I wanted you here as my nanny.

Oh, please. Well,

what was all that talk about me staying here forever, huh?

I have four wives.

Goober is not the end of the line.

Believe me, I have no romantic interest

in you whatsoever.

You are free to leave at any time.

And now would be good.

[claps]

Well, I better go say goodbye to Billy

while I'm still in this outfit.

Mr. Sheffield, I know that I'm not crazy.

That king was coming onto me.

Well, of course he was, Ms. Fine.

Of course he was.

Anyone could see he was smitten with you.

-Wasn't he? -Of course, he was.

He's a man.

And unfortunately, some men

are just not very good at expressing their feelings.

And I could see right through that sultan.

Oh, yes, you'd start as his nanny, all right.

You'd start working for him for a few years

and eventually you'd be on a first-name basis

and then, one day he'd come to realize

you were more important to him than his work.

And then, ha...

Then, he'd tell you he loves you.

And, uh, when does that happen?

Right now.

I love you.

What?

Fran.

I love you.

-[ding] -Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you for flying Koorestan Air.

We know you have a choice when you fly.

So will the woman in 3-B, who spent the last 17 hours

kvelling that her boss finally told her he loves her,

please next time choose Quantas.

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]

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