Original subtitles

Ah, Happy New Year, Isaac.

Thank you, Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, Maxwell, look at the poster I had made

to convince Margo to do our show,Marie Antoinette.

Now, listen, when she gets here, I don't want any screw-ups.

[sniffing]

What are you doing?

I'm sniffing for Alberto VO5 Top Ramen,

anything that reeks of Nanny Fine.

[sniffing]

I told you, she's out of the house.

Okay, okay.

Oh, look, I had them paint on Margo's trademark mole.

Isn't it amazing how one bodily imperfection

-can make someone famous? -Oh!

Then, you should be known worldwide.

Maxwell, have you noticed how calm the house is without Nanny Fine here?

No one to get in the way or make a scene.

[sighs]

No idiotic stunts just to meet a movie star.

-Ms. Lange, sir. -[Maxwell] Oh.

-Maxwell. -Margo.

Uh, you've met my associate, C.C. Babcock.

[laughing] Oh, yes, we had lunch at Spago.

I adored her. Is she here?

-That's me, Margo. -Oh.

Now, about my co-star.

I was thinking about that delicious Lopez boy from Saved by the Bell.

[scoffs] What is he, 18? Next to him, you'll look...

less French.

Maxwell, darling, do something.

Your gardener is gawking at me.

Hmm?

Um... um, would you... would you excuse me a minute?

Uh, there's a wandering Jew on the terrace

that needs transplanting.

Come here. Sit over here.

Are you insane? What are you doing out here?

[indistinct]

[Maxwell] Don't you push me.

-Excuse me. -[Maxwell] Don't you push me.

[C.C.] ...but Margo Lange is inside.

Of course, I do.

-Oh, hello, Ms. Margo Lange. -Ms. Fine!

[Fran squeals]

-What are you doing to me? -I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

-[Margo] Ow! -Oh, my...

-Stop! -Oh.

-Oh, my God. -What are you doing?

Ms. Lange, your famous mole.

-Where is it? -What?

Here it is.

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Til her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style! She had flair She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran! ♪

[on TV]This is Cindy Adams from New

and have I got dirt for you.

A certain Park Avenue butler signed a three-million-dollar book deal

and here's how he did it.

-[Maxwell] Ms. Fine! -Oh.

[mumbling incoherently]

Would you excuse us, please?

I'd like a word alone with Ernest.

You had to meet her in person.

My telephoto lens and parabolic dish weren't good enough for you.

[inhales]

I'm not going to yell.

I'm not going to scream.

I just want to have a conversation like rational, mature adults.

With me?

Now... [clears throat]

we both know what the most important thing

in a relationship is, don't we?

Forgiveness?

No. Trust!

Trust is the most important thing!

Do you realize Margo Lange

has one of the most recognizable faces in the world because of that mole?

Can you imagine what would happen

if word got out it were fake?

Well, excuse me,

but are you implying that I cannot keep this thing a secret?

Oh, come on, Ms. Fine.

The only secret safe with you is your age.

Barry Scheck and a whole drum of sodium Pentothal

couldn't drag that out.

Well, I find it very hurtful

that you think that I have nothing better to do

than to pass idle gossip.

Who cares if her fakakta mole is a fake?

Big deal.

I was just trying to lighten up the conversation.

I know you tend to get nervous when you have to go to the doctors.

I'm not scared of the examination.

I'm talking about getting weighed.

Now, did you write down all the stuff you ate yesterday like the doctor asked you to?

Let me see.

Well, you did really well. I'm proud of you.

Mmm...

Hmm. Look at this.

Oprah gained back all the weight.

-[gasps] -Oh, that poor girl.

Oh. Oh, 1989.

Well, look who's on the cover.

Again with her?

So, Margo Lange's mole is fake.

-Who cares? -Ma.

Who's going to hear? Liz Smith?

Meanwhile, I had six moles taken off my back.

You didn't care. You didn't even send a card.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I sit here?

-There's a draft. -No. Not at all.

Meanwhile, you smell delicious. What have you got on?

Thank you. It's called Gossip. Take mine.

That's very nice of you. Thanks.

Don't get too chummy. You're in a doctor's office.

You never know what somebody's got.

So tell me, what do you do, a gorgeous girl like you?

-Act, model, what? -I'm just a housewife.

-Sylvia, Dr. Hirsch is ready for you. -Oh, hi.

-Hi, Estelle. -Hi, Fran.

-Are you doing okay? -It's nice to see you again.

Who is that young lady? She looks so familiar to me.

You know Maxwell Sheffield, the Broadway producer?

-Yes. -That's his nanny. Can you believe?

Five years she's working for him, still hasn't proposed.

Ah, can... Cancel my appointment.

[dialing]

It's Cindy. Scrap my segment.

I'm reshooting and I want it on tonight.

Oh, you bet it's big! Ah!

Well, the thing is, Ma absolutely has to lose weight,

so we can't keep food in the house anymore.

Help me scarf back some of this Godiva.

Fran, you can't control what your mother eats.

She doesn't live here.

When did she move out?

Mmm. I'm so glad that I don't have a weight problem.

I can eat anything I want.

Pizza, ice cream.

You know, me too. Candy, cake.

-Mmm. Must be in our genes. -Mmm-hmm.

Meanwhile, when Ma was your ages, she was thinner than both of you.

Maxwell! Maxwell!

The Gossip Channel is going to plug ourMarie Antoinette

Mazel tov.

Now, Margo is still willing to do it despite the incident.

We just have to keep her real happy.

[man on TV] In Los Angeles, Rob McCormick and in New York, Cindy Adams.

Who is that?

-Hmm? Cindy Adams, the columnist. -[This is Cindy Adams

-from New York... -I know her.

[shushing]

Big news from The Great White Way involving the latest

from too-handsome-for-words producer, Maxwell Sheffield.

She's the only columnist I respect.

Starring in his next outing

is none other than the queen of the beauty marks, Margo Lange.

Oh. Oh, now I know where I know her from.

Well, kiddies, I've got a little outing of my own to do.

The mole is fake.

And this comes straight from Maxwell Sheffield's nanny.

Ms. Fine!

Freeze.

[sighs]

Do you... Do you hate me? Is that what it is?

[stammers] Are you trying to get back at me

for back-peddling in our relationship?

-Is that what this is all about? -No.

No. No. This is a personality disorder.

Yeah. It's, uh, you know,

when you watch your mother fry up your Mr. Potato Head,

it scars you.

You know, you're... You're my kryptonite, that's what you are.

You're the only thing that can hurt me.

Not the critics, not the actors' union, not the bloody IRS.

Kryptonite. You mean the stuff that could hurt Superman...

Who the hell cares what it is?

-[sighs] -I'm sorry, Mr. Sheffield.

I was just telling Ma in confidence.

I mean, who knew that Cindy Adams was the one

that would give me this perfume?

Gossip by Cindy Adams.

Ms. Fine, you remember our conversation about trust?

Yeah. Why?

Well, you realize you and I cannot have a relationship

if I can't trust you.

And now, it seems fairly obvious.

I can't.

Meanwhile, I have never seen Mr. Sheffield so upset.

He was dead serious. He hates me.

He reviles me.

I wouldn't be surprised if he never talked to me again.

Oh, this is going to set the engagement way back.

Has anyone noticed how I haven't touched the cake?

Yeah, Ma. You're doing really good.

-I'm so proud of you. -[Val] Yeah.

-Thank you. -Meanwhile, Val.

Did you taste these double-chocolate brownies

stuffed with cheesecake centers?

Please. I'm still working on this cannoli.

-It's got chips. -Let me taste.

-Mmm. -Huh?

Let me have a knife.

Why, Ma? You're not going to cheat, are you?

For my wrist.

You know, Sylvia. My mother joined the Diet Center

and she has lost 120 pounds.

Another 50 and she can start sleeping upstairs again.

What are you digging for, Ma?

I'm making sure I remembered my phone.

Sammy's calling me from Florida and I don't want to miss him.

Oh, I just can't believe what I did to poor Margo Lange.

There's got to be a way that I can help Mr. Sheffield out of this jam.

Well, Fran, why don't you just go to her and beg her for mercy?

You know, tell her what you did to Elton John and to Elizabeth Taylor.

And to Cher. And to Bette Midler.

-Lamb Chop. -See.

Well, this... this would pale by comparison, really.

Well, if no one is going to have any more of the cake, I'm going to put it away.

-Yeah, that's good. -[Val] Mmm-hmm.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Smart. Yeah, Ma.

Very smart.

-[thud] -[Fran] Mmm.

Stop her! Stop her!

She's got the cake! Stop her!

Sometimes, I wonder where those two nuts came from.

[clinking glass]

Hello?

[doorbell rings]

Magda, ouvrez la porte, s'il vous plait.

[doorbell continues ringing]

Magda! La porte!

-[doorbell rings again] -Magda, the dog walker's back!

Good boy, good boy. Bad boy, bad boy!

[panting]

Well, there's good news and bad news.

Uh, the good news is, Booboo did his business.

The bad news is, he did it in there.

You... You assassin!

Oh, Ms. Lange, I don't blame you for being angry at me.

Where's that .45 automatic Chuck Heston gave me?

Please. If you'll just give me a minute of your time.

To what? Finish me off?

Okay. Fake, fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.

Now, get out.

-Ooh. Fake? -Real.

Oh. That's what fake-fake will get you.

Oh, Ms. Lange, please. This is all my fault.

Don't take it out on Mr. Sheffield and quit his play.

Do you honestly think I'm going to show my face on a Broadway stage?

I won't even leave this apartment.

Oh, so, what are you gonna do? Live in exile?

Let the sun shine in.

This is yesterday's news.

Nobody cares about that.

Anyhoo...

You know, I have this great idea

that would just turn this whole negative into a positive.

Oh, please, please, Ms. Lange.

If you'll just hear me out, I will do anything.

Fine. Clean up after the puppy.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, do I have exciting news for you.

I know. I know. I just got off the phone with Margo.

She's back in my show.

Now, how on earth did you do it?

Oh, well, Margo swore me to secrecy.

You know, one slip of the tongue can ruin it.

I cannot speak to a living soul about it.

Well, wait, wait, are you... Are you telling me you don't trust me?

I thought we had a relationship.

Oh, now, wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

We've got a relationship, but only when it's convenient for you?

I can live with that.

Let me tell you. Here it is.

We are going to market artificial Margo Lange beauty marks

and sell it on the Internet.

Oh, come on, come on. You can tell me.

That's it.

And I thought of it all by myself.

-That I believe. -Stop it.

Look at you with your big head, sitting around drooling.

Put a toupee on you, you could be my father.

You know, Margo, I don't like kids any more than you do,

but it's history.

Marie and Louis had two children.

We can't just get rid of them.

What about a plague? Weren't there plagues back then?

Ooh.

Hey, partner. I've got some great marketing ideas to run by ya.

Oh, marketing ideas? Didn't you read this morning's Wall Street Journal?

No, but how funny was "The Wizard of Id" this morning?

My dear, Coty came out with a fake beauty mark.

Someone stole our idea.

Oh, no.

You mean there's a mole in our mole organization?

Those are the breaks, darling.

So you mean, that's it?

All our hopes and dreams just went down the drain?

Well, just yours.

I'm up for the role of Succubus Queen

onXena: Warrior Princess.

-Uh, Niles. -Mmm-hmm.

Where's Ms. Fine?

She hasn't been out of her room all day.

Poor thing's been going out of her mind,

trying to decide who blabbed and sabotaged her dream.

-What's that? For whom? -Soup. Ms. Fine.

-Where did you get it? -I made it.

You blabbed, didn't you?

Oh, Niles, I was...

I was at the Friars Club with Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner.

They're so bloody funny.

I was desperate for an amusing anecdote.

Hmm. So you're sitting with the men

who wrote the classic 2000 Year Old Man

and you tried to wow them with the mole story.

Oh, all right, all right. Just drop it, would you, Niles?

What am I going to do about it? This was her dream, Niles.

She was so excited about this cosmetics business

and I went and ruined the whole thing by opening my big mouth.

Oh, there's no way I can make this up to her.

Well, you could propose.

Oh, would you get serious, Niles?

Just get off that track, would you?

And finally, once in your life,

come up with something I could actually use.

[Niles] Hmm.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm so miserable.

I keep trying to think.

Who? Who would do this to me?

-Marry me? -It was you?

You blabbed and you think that by proposing, it's going to make up for it?

Well, you thought right, baby.

-Oh, Niles, wait till you hear. -I heard.

-Oh, talk about fate. -[chuckles]

I mean, if I hadn't washed off Margo Lange's mole,

we never would have gone into business together,

Mr. Sheffield never would have blabbed and he never would have...

-He never would have... -What?

Oh, Niles.

Who am I kidding here?

I don't want a proposal from a man out of guilt.

Oh, God, 12 generations of Fine women just rolled over.

Oh, but that's no way for us to start our lives together.

But I don't understand. Isn't this what you've been working for?

It is, isn't it?

Oh, but I want him to ask me because

he can't imagine his life without me.

'Cause he really means it.

I kind of think I... deserve that.

So, you're actually going to let him out of it?

-Yeah, I am. -Oh. [chuckles]

Oh, boy. Have I come a long way, huh?

[both chuckle]

There you are.

Come on, Niles, why don't you crack open a bottle of champagne?

Let's... let's celebrate.

Hmm? Oh, you mean that proposal out there?

I didn't take that seriously.

I just wanted to see you sweat.

Wh... What?

You know, you should have seen

the look on your face when I said yes.

It's just about as good as the look on Ma's face when I tell her I said no.

Uh, why don't we just forget the whole thing ever happened, huh?

[Maxwell] Mmm.

Well, once again, you managed to get yourself out of it.

Yes.

Only this time, I'm not quite sure I really wanted to.

You're doing so good with your diet.

Yeah, Sylvia. I gotta say, I'm impressed.

Thank you. [chuckles]

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]