Original subtitles

[Grace] I'm just so bummed.

Why, honey?

I've been sitting next to the same guy for the last four years

and I know he likes me, but he won't make a move.

You've been waiting for some guy for four years?

That's nothing.

It's not pathetic?

No.

She is so in denial.

Oh, Ms. Fine. I've got to ask Mr. Sheffield

for some time off, so I'm giving him this tie.

-Do you think he'll like it? -Well, he ought to, it's his.

Oh, for heaven's sake, he won't remember his tie.

But I wonder if I should change out of his suit.

Niles, why don't you just walk yourself in there

and tell him you need some time off?

Be honest, speak from the heart.

Tell him that you need some private time.

You work like a dog, day... You know what? Don't use that.

I'm going to say that when I go in there and ask for this weekend off.

-This weekend? -Yes.

But that's when I want off.

My butler's glee club is having a big competition in Bermuda.

Well, I'm sorry.

But it's the big Fine family reunion in Niagara Falls.

And we have relatives coming in from all over.

Tel Aviv, Budapest,

Boca Gables, Phase Four.

I didn't know you had any family left to fly in.

I thought they all lived in my kitchen.

Why don't we just let Mr. Sheffield decide? That's fair.

Oh, why are we arguing?

I can relinquish three days of the Wilsons' butler

pulling down his sock garters to show me his tan lines.

Really? Well, that's very sweet of you.

Now relinquish means you're not going, right?

Yes, yes, yes.

-Okay. Thank you, thank you. -[kissing]

I've got work to do, so you tape Bold and the Beautiful.

Of course.

You have much to learn, young Jedi.

Sir, please let me have this weekend off.

My last vacation was two years ago, but it doesn't count.

Ms. Babcock showed up and then there was this tropical depression. Mine!

But, Mr. Sheffield,

you know I've got to go to my family's reunion.

Well, to be honest, Niles, I...

Stop.

I did just give you a month off already.

I was recovering from a heart attack.

Look, how you budget your vacation time is your business.

-I'll bring you back Cuban cigars. -I'll send my mother to Cuba.

-I'll make you baked Alaska. -I'll send my mother to Alaska.

Well, in all fairness, Ms. Fine, Niles did ask me first.

He's wearing your suit.

Well, she's wearing Ms. Gracie's skirt.

And that's how I just won.

[theme music playing]

♪She was working In a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

♪ 'Til her boyfriend Kicked her out

♪In one of those Crushing scenes

♪What was she to do? Where was she to go?

♪She was out on her fanny

♪So over the bridge From Flushing To the Sheffield's door

♪She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more

♪She had style! She had flair! She was there!

♪That's how she became The Nanny

♪Who would have guessed That the girl we described

♪Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

♪Now, the father Finds her beguiling

♪Watch out C.C.!

♪And the kids Are actually smiling

♪Such joie de vivre

♪She's the lady in red

♪When everybody else Is wearing tan

♪The flashy girl From Flushing

♪The Nanny named Fran!

[music playing]

You know, the only reason he picked you is because I don't look good in heels.

I thought you looked great last Halloween

when you went as Tootsie.

-Really? -Yes.

I didn't think it all came...

You're just trying to suck up because you know I'm mad at you.

Niles, I got what I wanted

not because of anything I said, or the way I looked.

Oh, please.

"Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

Do you mind if I dust your desk with mytuchas?

Well, if it isn't Priscilla, queen of the dessert.

You didn't mind me wearing the tube top

to get you that Fantom Fury vacuum with the HEPA filter, didyou?

I can only imagine how long it took you to find something skimpy.

There's a three-second scavenger hunt.

What a treat.

It's not often one gets to see a domestic squabble

between actual domestics.

Hey, I insulted you.

Now you're supposed to insult me back.

There's a rhythm to these things, man.

Do you realize that she gets everything she wants

because she has Mr. Sheffield wrapped around her little finger?

Well, look who just popped his head out of Maxwell's derrière

to announce it's spring.

What have I been saying for the past four years?

You know, maybe we've been on opposite sides too long.

Well, I wouldn't mind getting back at Ms. Fine.

And we are just the team to do it.

All right. From now on it's you and me, Babcock.

Oh. Hmm!

You know, Niles, this is the best cup of coffee you've ever made.

Well, in honor of our new alliance, I must confess.

This is the first time I've ever put it in a clean cup.

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪I've seen you around For a long, long time

♪I remembered you When you drank my wine

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪I seen ya walkin' down In Chinatown

♪I called but you did not Look around

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪I pay my money To the welfare line

♪I seen ya standing in it Every time

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

♪Why can't we be friends?

[music playing]

First of all, Dr. Miller, I just want to tell you

that I think that I'm about ready to graduate from therapy.

Yes, I really feel like I have grown and matured.

I've really come to like myself as a person.

What's the problem?

Everyone else hates me.

[sobbing]

Well, tell me about it.

Well, it's Niles.

Oh, Niles. Yes. Nosy yenta butler?

Yes, that's him.

Oh, he's got this crazy idea

that I use my sensuality to get my way.

Do you feel you do that, Fran?

No, Dr. Miller.

You know me.

I mean,

I don't do things like that.

Just look at your body language.

Dr. Miller.

Do you think I'm trying to seduce you?

[music playing]

Do you want me to put this in the dishwasher?

No, sweetie, I'll do it.

Oh, listen. Are you coming with me to Paint Your Pottery tonight?

Of course.

The ceramic tissue box

I made for your powder room is coming out of the kiln.

Okay, Scully and Mulder, care to explain this X-File?

Well, I've got to get back to the salt mines.

Later, C.

Oh, Niles, we got to talk.

I just spent my entire session at Dr. Miller's

talking about you playing yo-yo with my feelings.

And pretending like I don't exist.

And that time could have been better spent

talking about Mr. Sheffield doing that.

-I don't know what you're talking about. -Oh, come on.

You're being mean to me, you're friends with Ms. Babcock.

It's a world gone mad.

Next thing you know, you'll be saying Barbra is marrying the guy

from the AAMCO commercials.

Oh, wait a minute, that is happening.

This is ridiculous.

Why don't you just invite Mr. Sheffield and the children

to go to Niagara Falls with you and your family?

Oh, please.

What horrible thing did the man ever do to deserve that?

You're slipping, Sadie. Don't you want to get engaged?

Keep talking.

Niagara Falls is the honeymoon capital of the world.

Thirty million people go there every year and wind up getting married on the spot.

It's magical, it's mystical. Mr. Sheffield won't be able to resist you.

-Really? -Absolutely.

Getting proposed to is like buying real estate.

Location, location, location.

Oh, Niles, you're a genius.

Now we can both go away this weekend.

Oh, I'm so happy we're friends again.

Oh, me too.

I don't know what I was doing

in that unholy alliance with Babcock.

I know. It was kind of like Yogi dumping Boo Boo for the ranger.

[music playing]

Kids, I have such exciting news.

We're all going to Niagara Falls.

Your father and I are getting married!

Dad finally popped the question?

No. Not yet.

But Niagara Falls is the engagement capital of the world.

And Dad's already agreed to go with you?

No. Not yet.

-This is so sad. This is ridiculous. -Yes, this really is.

Just go pack and act surprised, would you?

Oh, don't worry, Fran.

If it actually happens, we will be genuinely stunned.

-I got your message. -Hi, Ma.

Oh, this is so exciting.

The last time I was at Niagara Falls

was when Daddy proposed to me.

Oh, I didn't know Daddy asked you to marry him in Niagara Falls.

That's so romantic.

Yes, he had no intention of proposing at all.

He went to get me a bromo for my morning sickness.

The place cast a spell.

Have I never taught you about the magic of the falls?

No.

No. You were too busy teaching me to suck the innards

out of the chocolate-covered cherries

before they weighed the bag.

Meanwhile, has that not saved you

hundreds of dollars over the years?

Oh, Ma.

If the mystique of the falls is true,

this could be it.

I could be getting married, right on the boat.

Cousin Cookie will play the spoons on her boobs, so there's the band.

And the whole family has already booked the hotel.

So, we don't have to put them up.

All you have to do is hang your bagel over the railing

and the lox just jumps right onto it.

Oh, darling, this is the kind of wedding that mothers dream of.

Free!

[music playing]

Hi.

Well, if it isn't I Love Loosely.

Okay, it's your turn.

Toss out something really vile.

I would, but I can't lift you.

Oh, that was

about me.

What's the matter, bud?

I thought you and me were a team.

It was what it was and now it's over.

But we had plans.

Now I won't hear that little voice in my computer.

"You've got mail."

Anyhoo...

I was reading the paper.

El Niño's coming to New York this weekend.

And you and the kids have got to get out of all that water.

I'll tell you what.

You all could come to the Fine family reunion in Niagara Falls.

Or I could eat a bowl of leeches

and slowly bleed to death from the inside out.

Well, if you're on the fence about it, let me ask the kids.

-Hey, what's up, Fran? -Hey.

You want to hear some exciting news for the first time?

-Yes. -How would you like to go this weekend

to Niagara Falls?

-Oh, that would be so cool. -We could not be happier!

I've waited for this glorious moment for five years!

Overdoing it, honey.

All right, I know when I'm outnumbered.

Seems we're going to Niagara Falls for the Fine family reunion.

We're going to have so much fun. Just don't get freaked out.

It could get pretty treacherous being thrown about,

bounced off a handrail, spritzed in the face.

Oh, I'm quite comfortable on boats, Ms. Fine.

No, I was talking about the buffet line.

[music playing]

Here, darling. Put this on.

No, Ma. I'm not covering myself with that plastic.

You want Mr. Sheffield to think he's proposing to your couch?

Morty.

I'm putting your hair in my purse.

We're not going to lose another 600 dollars

like we did at Raging Waters.

You know,

I proposed to my wife on this boat 30 years ago.

And for 30 years, she's been saying,

"Hey, Ray, when are we going back to Niagara Falls?"

I said, "When you stop hocking me."

So, here we are.

You big pain in the...

[ship honks]

Excuse me.

I hear that you're in the show business.

I have an idea, and people think it should be a play.

It takes place in Connecticut.

And?

What, you're not bringing anything to the party?

All right, Marilyn. Leave him alone.

Oh, is she pitching you her Connecticut story again?

Pretty good, huh?

Oh. look, Ms. Fine. We're getting closer to the falls.

-Let's go find the children. -Okay.

There's Gracie over here. I'll get Gracie.

Hey sweetheart, come and look at the...

[screams]

That's just Aunt Cookie.

Yes, she's the one that plays the spoons on her...

Oh, yes. Right. Yes, the maestro.

I enjoyed your rendition ofWipeout.

That was 'Little Brown Jug.'

Played it too fast.

Where the devil is this boat going, Ms. Fine?

The Island of Dr. Moreau?

Come on, Mr. Sheffield, let's go to the bow of the boat.

That's the best place to propose.

I mean, uh...

I propose that we go there.

Oh, my God,

is this not magnificent?

Over 30 million served.

Come here, Ms. Fine. You're missing all this.

What?

Is this not the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

I can't hear you.

Oh, it's magical.

It's just magical.

Oh, Ms. Fine, will you marry me?

What did you say?

I said...

[screaming]

[music playing]

So you're on the boat,

you're approaching the falls...

Did Mr. Sheffield propose?

Well, let's just put it this way.

They're renaming the boat after me.

Old Maid of the Mist.

Well, Fran, you know what they say.

What, Val?

No, really.

You know what they say, Fran.

You're far more the sophisticate than I.

Well, there's no mystique and there's no magic.

Just a bunch of propaganda to get you to buy idiotic souvenirs.

Oh, wait a minute, I got you something.

Look at this.

Niagara Falls corn cob holders.

-Oh, God, look at the detail work. -Yes.

Yes, well. You'll put it away for special...

Yes.

-Oh, hi. -What happened to you?

It was really quite dramatic, actually.

The falls were so powerful.

Freak wave came along and knocked me right off my feet.

Does not remember anything about the entire trip.

All I could say is, "thank God."

Well, I guess I better put out the trash

and then start preparing dinner.

A butler's work is never done, eh?

Niles, don't you think that you should tell him?

Well, if you like.

But he also thinks the butler is fooling around with the nanny.

You cleaned enough.

It's time to rest.

Ms. Fine, I'm most dreadfully sorry. I...

Thank God I remembered who I was before anything happened.

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]