Original subtitles

Franny, read me my horoscope.

Oh, okay.

Uh, "Scorpio.

Tomorrow you will awaken to--"

Woo-hoo!

What are you woo-hooing? I didn't say anything.

I heard "tomorrow" and "awaken." I'm cool.

Fran, my philosophy professor has so opened my eyes

to realize that my eyes may not even be open.

-[Fran] Well. -I mean, I may not even have eyes.

I may not even exist.

Yeah, well,

according to your father, neither do I.

I mean, do you realize that red may not even be red?

I mean, blue may not even be blue.

Well, thank God gray can still become black

according to my mentor, Lady Clairol.

-You know what else Steve says? -What?

You call your professor Steve?

Oh, just over cappuccinos.

You're having cappuccinos with Steve?

Uh, you're talking too much, honey.

Daddy's getting nervous. Shutty uppy.

Well, of course I'm getting nervous.

An older, distinguished man,

a young, beautiful woman right under his nose,

day after day.

What do you think is going to happen?

Well, according to my experience, nothing.

Fran, I want you to go down to that university,

and talk to Margaret's professor,

who probably has nothing but sex on the brain.

I've had worse assignments.

I'm not joking.

Oh, come on.

Now, what is it going to look like if I go down there?

I mean, the girl is 18 years old.

I don't care if she's 35.

Which isn't old either.

You are her nanny. Now, go. Please.

All right.

I'll go too and pick up a little education.

I can only keep Sammy happy in the bedroom for so long.

Sooner or later, he's going to want to talk.

[theme song playing]

♪She was working In a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

♪Til her boyfriend Kicked her out

♪In one of those Crushing scenes

♪What was she to do? Where was she to go?

♪She was out on her fanny

♪So over the bridge From Flushing To the Sheffields door

♪She was there to sell make-up But father saw more ♪

♪She had style! She had flair! She was there!

♪Thats how she became The Nanny!

♪Who would have guessed That the girl weve described

♪Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

♪Now the father Finds her beguiling

♪Watch out C.C.!

♪And the kids Are actually smiling

♪Such joie de vivre!

♪She is the lady in red

♪When everybody else Is wearing tan

♪The flashy girl From Flushing

♪The Nanny named Fran!

[music playing]

Oh, I remember when I went to school.

I used to walk past the daisy field,

carrying my little metal lunch pail.

Pa was chopping wood--

Yetta, Yetta, that's the opening sequence

toLittle House on The Prairie.

Excuse me, are you Professor Steve?

Hello.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

A grown man taking advantage of innocent, young women.

Do you do any private tutoring?

Yetta. Yetta. Go wait for me downstairs.

Just don't lie down anywhere near Pre-Med.

Well, Professor Steve,

I'm here because Mr. Sheffield is very concerned

that you might be paying just a little too much attention

to his daughter.

Oh, now, I give all of my students special attention.

-Some of them just misinterpret it. -Mm-hmm.

Now, look at these notes that I get. Here.

"Dear Steve, I love you. Ashley."

"I get lost in your eyes. Karen."

"You look sexy when you don't shave.

Phillip."

Third row. Bette Midler sweatshirt.

Well, the point is, you're not interested in Maggie

and that's what I came to find out.

Now I feel like I earned my six bucks an hour.

Oh, wow.

What?

My horoscope said I'd meet a beautiful brunette

with big brown eyes and an exotic accent.

Get out of here.

-No, see, I'm really into astrology. -Oh.

-What's the date and time of your birth? -Oh, 5:00 p.m., November 26.

Yeah, Ma had them induce labor

so she wouldn't miss the Thanksgiving meal.

-What year? -1970.

Hey, we are so compatible.

-Oh. -You want to get dinner sometime?

Oh, that's very flattering,

but I'm actually seeing

a therapist about this very problem.

So I'm not your type, huh?

That's so not it.

I'm just late for my Doormats Without Partners meeting.

-Well, how about Saturday? -I'm sorry.

-Oh, wait. -It's just... What?

That's my nephew's bar mitzvah.

[music playing]

[man speaking in Spanish]

[sobs]

No, Papa.

[sobbing]

[man speaking in Spanish]

Why the hell are you watching a Spanish soap opera?

Shh! Something big just happened.

-What? -I have no idea.

Oh, Niles, just when I think you are so pathetic,

you go and top yourself.

Well, I'm sorry, we can't all learn Spanish the way you did

chasing frightened tourists down the streets of Pamplona.

[man speaking in Spanish on television]

Excuse me, sir. I have to sweep Master Brighton's room.

[imitates Spanish accent] Oh, you mean the room with the broken television?

I meant the living room.

Oh, Ms. Fine, how did it go with Margaret's professor?

-Oh, well, better than I expected. -Wait, wait, wait.

I want to know what happened.

Nothing. Nothing.

He's not at all interested in Maggie.

He's interested in me.

What? What do you mean he's interested in you?

Well, calm down, just calm down.

You know, he asked me out on a date.

-I didn't say yes. -Good.

I didn't say no either.

What? What do you mean you didn't say no?

-Well, should I have? -Well, of course.

Why? Do I have any prior engagements?

Ms. Fine...

Mr. Sheffield, I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

I mean, a man asks me out and I say,

"I can't. I'm in a totally monogamous relationship."

The only part I leave out is that I'm in it by myself.

Ms. Fine, what do you want me to say?

Well, I would like you to give me one good reason

why I should not say yes to this man.

I should've thought that was pretty obvious. But you want me to go say it?

-Please, would you? -Fine, I'll say it.

I'll say it. It could hurt Margaret.

Oh, well, you know, if this was a cartoon right now,

you would be strapped to the back of an Acme moon rocket.

Maggie could care less if I go out with Steve.

What?

How could you do this to me, Fran? I hate you.

Oh, God.

Now this, right on the heels of Brighton crashing the Mercedes.

Oh, my God...

We don't own a Mercedes, Ms. Fine.

[knocking on door]

[Maxwell] I know you're in there.

Well, move over, Columbo.

Oh, Maggie, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea by the way you were acting

that you had a crush on Steve.

Well, Fran, what am I supposed to do?

Parade around in some tight little sweater and throw myself at him?

That's so desperate.

You know, you kids have no respect for the classics.

Honey, you know, if you don't want me to go out with him,

just say so. I respect your feelings.

Well, I don't want you to go out with him.

Well, then I won't go out with him.

I love you

and I'd never do anything to hurt you.

I love you too, Fran.

Then please let me go out with him!

I'm going to grow old and die waiting for your father!

You're so young and blond and rich.

You can have a zillion good-lookinggoyishe

How many gorgeous Jewish guys are there still left

that are single at my age?

Oh, please, Maggie, let me go out with him.

Please!

Fran, I guess you do kind of have a point.

I mean, it is harder to find a guy at your age

and I am young

and you are old.

Oh, okay, you can go out with him.

Oh, thank you for your mercy.

Thank you.

[knocking on door]

[Maxwell] I'm waiting.

How does it feel?

[music playing]

I'm just going to forget about Maxwell Sheffield and have a good time.

Hi. Hi.

-Oh, hello. -There, Max.

-Hi. -Max.

-Easy now, Max. -Oh, Max.

Easy.

[laughs]

Hi. Good doggie.

-Max takes a while to warm up to you. -Yeah.

I know the breed.

-Come on in. Make yourself comfortable. -Thank you. Thanks.

-I'm going to just check on dinner. -Oh, okay, great. Thank you.

[Fran]Oh, this whole thing feels so wrong.

I'm just going to make an excuse.

I got to get out of here.

[Steve] I make a killer lasagna.

[Fran] Well, I don't want to be rude.

So, Max...

Well, this is freaky.

Do you like red wine or white?

Blueberry.

How did I know that?

-Here you go. -Okay.

So, Fran,

before you got here, I did your chart.

Oh.

And your planets are very well-aligned.

Well, actually, one moon is a little lower than the other.

I take after my mother.

There's that cute little giggle.

Well, don't give me too much of this stuff

or I'll be laughing all night.

[laughs] Oh.

So you need me to help you or anything?

No. I'm doing all the work.

You just lie back and don't do a thing.

Oh. Okay.

Okay, Max, you can go now.

There's not enough room on this couch for three.

All right, let's go. Move it.

Max, would you marry me?

[Max whimpering]

Works every time.

[music playing]

Niles.

Niles.

Niles, are you awake?

[Niles]Yes, sir. I'm just getting my papers ready for my route.

Uh, sorry, old man.

Look, do we have any of that microwave popcorn?

[Niles]You see that box right in front of you on the counter

marked "microwave popcorn"?

Yep.

[Niles]Try that.

Alrighty.

And you better not be such a chatterbox.

You won't be able to get back to sleep.

Niles?

-Niles? -What?

Oh, you didn't have to come all the way down here.

-I could have done it myself. -Oh, just give me that.

Something troubling you, sir?

Oh, Ms. Fine.

I mean, I'm just fine.

Whenever I can't sleep,

it's usually because there's something on my mind

that's gnawing at me.

-That's making my guts twist. -All right. All right.

I admit it.

I'm jealous. There, all right?

It's driving me crazy, her being out with some other man.

I can share these feelings with you

because I'm not in love with you.

Well, nobody looks good at 2:00 in the morning.

[music playing]

[man on television] Por favor, Carmencita. No, no, no!

[tense music playing]

No. Ay, Carmencita.

[music playing on television]

Carmencita shoot Papa?

Si.

Es papa...

Muerte.

Honestly. Do the two of you have nothing better to do

than watch this drivel in the middle of the afternoon?

[both speaking in Spanish]

Well, you were out rather late last night.

I think.

Well, I had such a wonderful time with Steve.

He made me a delicious dinner and he rented a video.

The Commitments.

So are you planning on seeing him again?

-[bell rings] -Yep.

I'll get it.

Hi. I'm here to see Fran.

-You're Steve? -Yeah.

Oh, Dad.

No, no, no. She could still pick you.

-Hi, Fran. -Hi, Steve.

This is Mr. Sheffield. Mr. Sheffield, this is Steve.

You see, I call him Steve, he calls me Fran.

We know each other for two days.

That's all I want to say.

Steve.

-Maxwell Sheffield. -Hi.

-I understand you teach philosophy. -Mm-hmm.

-Study of objective thought. -Yes.

And yet I hear you're into astrology.

The pastime of the tutti-frutti.

That's all I want to say.

Ooh, the boy is right. He is smoking!

Hello, Steve. C.C. Babcock.

I understand you're a professor

and you're going out with Nanny Fine.

What's the matter, research wouldn't give you a chimp?

If you didn't have toilet paper on your shoe,

I'd be so upset with you right now.

So tell me, Steve, what do you want to do tonight?

Uh, Fran,

I have to break up with you.

Oh, I was thinking of seeing theTitanic,

but apparently, I'm already on it.

Uh, the thing is I saw my psychic today.

And she said I should be in a relationship with a woman older than you.

That's ridiculous.

Who's older than me?

Well, come on. You were born in 1970.

I was? Oh, yeah, I was.

Give or take a year or six.

Look, Fran, I feel terrible about this,

but my psychic sees me with a woman in her mid-30s.

Having kids, getting married,

living in a split-level house, in Great Neck.

What if I told you I was 34?

Oh, come on, Fran, I'd never believe that.

Oh, you're right.

Who am I kidding?

[music playing]

Niles.

Niles.

Niles, are you asleep?

[Niles]No, I was just going out to the barn to milk Bessie.

Niles, remember last week when I told you to hide

that Entenmann's Louisiana Crunch Cake

-because Ma was coming over? -Oh, just sit down.

What's wrong?

Well, what kind of an idiot

breaks up such a positive relationship

just because some dumb-dumb psychic said that

he should date an older woman?

Well, you call the Psychic Friends Network.

That is Dionne Warwick. That's an entirely different thing.

God knows what kind of a quack he's talking to.

Why don't you just tell him how old you really are?

Why don't you just take a dip in the Dead Sea with a hemorrhoid?

He wants an older woman.

Well, he should like me for who I am.

Yes, but that's not who you are.

Mr. Sheffield accepts that I was born in 1970.

Yes, but he knows you're lying.

Well, that's my point exactly.

He accepts me for the woman I'm really not.

Oh, why am I dating these nut jobs anyway?

Mr. Sheffield and I belong together.

Well, why are you telling me? Go upstairs and tell him.

Niles, I'm going to wake him up at two o'clock in the morning?

That is so inconsiderate.

I wouldn't do it.

[music playing]

[bell rings]

Fran, the guy who dumped you is back again.

[shushing]

What the hell is he doing here?

Well, I don't want to see him. How's my lipstick?

All right, let him in.

-Hi, Fran. These are for you. -Oh.

Look who's here.

Well, did the psychic tell you you'd come crawling back

carrying Godivas?

Because I could have saved you that 50 bucks.

Actually, I just thought you might like them.

Um, Phillip left them on my desk.

And, Fran, my psychic was right.

I've met an older woman who I really like.

Well, who cares? I wouldn't date you if you whistled 'Dixie.'

[whistling 'Dixie']

Don't wait up.

[continues whistling]

Ms. Fine?

Yes, Mr. Sheffield?

-Did I hear Steve? -Uh, yes, you did.

You know, he was here, but I sent him away.

Because I knew that you were so jealous that I was dating him

and I didn't want fist-fighting to break out...

Niles told me everything.

Oh, I'm such a loser.

Now I'm lying about two relationships I don't have.

Come on, Ms. Fine.

I tell you what, I'll buy you a drink.

Oh, don't forget to bring your ID,

just in case they want to card you.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

Ms. Fine.

I love you.

-Yeah, we love you too, Niles. -We love you too, Niles.

Good boy.

-Okay, Max, speak, speak. -[Max barks]

Good boy.

Down, Max. Down, Max.

Good boy.

Kiss me, Max.

Oh, if only life were this easy.

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]