Original subtitles

Niles, any more of those little sausage patties in the kitchen?

- Hello. - Does that answer your question?

Oh, look, there's a big article

about the charity auction that you're producing.

How come you're standing right next to Fidel Castro?

Ma, that's Miss Babcock. Niles had the paper first.

"Sheffield Produces Benefit for New York Restoration Project."

- Oh, we're gonna make a fortune. - [CHUCKLES]

It's time the fat cats puts something back.

Fine. But I already licked it.

I am so sick of planning this charity event.

How am I gonna fit four more people at this table?

Give up your seat.

Okay. Listen up.

I am busting my butt

for a benefit that doesn't involve profit and I've got PMS.

The ice is thin!

Good idea, C.C., putting Tom at our table.

So who's Tom and does he have a Cruise, Hanks or Selleck after his name?

Rosenstein.

Does he have a "doctor" before it?

He happens to be one of the richest men in New York.

And if schmoozed properly

will be investing $5 million in our next show.

Wow, never mind what he's got in front or after his name.

Does he have an "and missus" anywhere near it?

Look, Miss Fine, this event won't interest you.

No single men, no shrimp, and no stars will be there.

What about Bette Midler? I thought she was coming.

[GASPS]

But I also thought I had an inheritance and I'm probably wrong about that too.

Oh, did I love Bette inFirst Wives Club.

I really enjoyed that movie.

I found a theater that had real butter.

Not just that BS canola oil.

Was the divine Miss M. in this house?

Was she here the day that I miraculously found that ticket

forVictor Victoria on the front stoop?

[GROANS]

The auction's at 8. Dress formal.

But I wasn't lying about the shrimp.

♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ when everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Hi, Mr. Sheffield.

I brought some of my stuff in

that I wanna donate to your auction.

Now, I've got myWhat's Happening

The Raj thermos is a little bit cracked

but I don't really think that that will affect the value.

[CHUCKLES] Miss Fine, that-- That's very sweet of you

but, well, you see, they're actually auctioning off items like this.

- "Audrey Hepburn's Oscar, $30,000. - Ooh. Wow!

Tennis match with Andre Agassi, 50,000."

Oh, my. Well, I'm guessing

that my autographed Donna PescowTV Guide

won't bring in anywhere near that.

Wait a minute.

What do you think that they would pay

for a wise, responsible person

to take care of their children for a day?

- Oh, now, that's a very good idea. - Hmm.

You know, I might even bid on that mys-- Oh, you mean you?

Excuse me, but what happened to the day

when you actually tried to hide your horror?

Well, um, you see, um, the thing is, I'm afraid

that, um, you're so good

that, um, someone might... steal you away from me.

Now, was that so hard?

[YAWNS]

We should all pop a Tic Tac

because we're about to sleep together.

- Miss Fine. - Yeah?

That is Tom's son

who is playing so beautifully.

He's gonna be a concert pianist someday.

Oh, you know, my Uncle Benny was a musician.

Actually, it was his monkey that was the musician.

But Benny made all the costumes.

So, Max, I read the first act to your play

and I've been seriously thinking about investing the 5 million.

It's quite good, isn't it?

Dreadful. I've been looking for a surefire tax write-off.

Well, Tom, look no further.

Actually, I have act two

or should I say act phew.

MAN:Ladies and gentlemen, the New York Restoration Project is proud to present

your host and auctioneer for the evening

Miss Bette Midler!

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, hello, hello, Miss Midler. Oh, I just adore you.

A fan, a fan.

Oh, and I adore your accent.

Oh, thanks. I owe it all to Queens.

- Same with me and my career. - [LAUGHING]

Oh, my mother and I love her so much.

All those outrageous outfits and campy makeup.

You can only get away with that on stage.

Okay, let's crank this auction into gear.

What am I bid for this gorgeous antique chest?

Complete with the original knobs?

[LAUGHTER]

It's a joke. Put your hand down, Rabbi.

But seriously, folks

you know, we're not here just to clean up the parks.

We're gonna get all the trash out of this city.

I did my part.

I moved to L.A.

[LAUGHTER]

Time to start the bidding.

Let's get the cheap items out of the way first.

Oh, good. That will give me a chance to go to the bathroom.

Item number one: Fran Fine.

Oh!

- Oh, it's you. - Oh, Miss Midler.

I'll tell you, you are so awe-inspiring, girl.

I mean, to have a baby at 40, I can't even imagine what that must be like.

Let me tell you. [SCREAMS]

OK, Ladies and gentlemen, here we have the services

of a professional child caregiver for one day.

And let's start the bidding at

20 bucks.

Do I hear 22.50?

Twenty-five anyone?

Girl, you are on fire.

$1000!

I saw that inGypsy.

Gypsy?

Is there any other?

I myself bid $2000.

Okay, $3000.

$4000.

Take it off, honey. Show us some skin!

Sorry, sir. Just trying to drive the bidding up.

$5000?

Yes! All right.

Going once. Going twice.

Sold to bidder number 550 for $5000. Okay.

Who the devil is number 550?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey, that I can't spend time with you

but a little boy bid a lot of money to spend the day with me.

Hey, I've got $5000.

I'd pay that to have you all to myself for a day.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, no, it wouldn't be right, no.

Wouldn't be right.

You know, if you hadn't donated your services

I wouldn't have been shamed into donating mine.

Oh, big deal. It's one day. You did a good deed

- and you raised some money for charity. - Mm.

Best 37 bucks I ever spent.

You can start by washing the car and changing the oil.

You don't have a car.

I rented one.

Now, Miss Fine, before Tom and his son get here

remember, we have a little saying in the theater.

"Mess up with the investor

move back in with your mother."

Well, I have a saying too.

"Mess with the nanny, please."

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it.

- Isn't that a cute saying? - Yes, yes. Very funny, Miss Fine.

Thank you.

Tom, Keith, do come in. Welcome both of you.

Max, I read the second act.

It's actually quite good.

- Oh, we'll fix that. - Okay.

So, Tom, why don't you go on ahead to the study and I'll be right in.

See if we can't suck the funny out of act two.

Now, Miss Fine, remember, the child is a gifted pianist.

Please make sure he practices at least two hours like his father asked.

Sure, sure. But, you know, the kid's got to have some fun too.

Have you ever seen a lady get her hair highlighted?

Keith, I just wanna thank you for offering to play the piano

- for my grandma's rest home. - When did I do that?

At the Clinique counter, don't you remember?

When we were getting our eyebrows reshaped.

Hi, Yetti.

Where is everybody?

Exhausted.

Last night, the cable went out, so we broke into the vitamin E.

That dayroom was likeCaligula.

You see that thumb? I lost it on Iwo Jima.

That's my big toe they put there.

Couldn't tell, right?

Honey, go play "Moonlight Sonata."

And listen, don't be upset if they're not impressed.

Most of them heard Beethoven do it himself.

You're the entertainer today, huh?

Play something with a "Hava Nagila" beat. You know?

- [PLAYING CLASSICAL PIANO] - I love that song.

- ♪♪ Hello, Dolly Well, hello, Dolly ♪♪ - [RYTHYM INCREASES]

♪♪ It's so nice to have you back Where you belong ♪♪

Big finish, everybody.

♪♪ Dolly, don't go away ♪♪

♪♪ Dolly don't ever go away Dolly don't ever go away ♪♪

Oh, oh, Keith, you know, it's all right.

He-- He's gonna be all right.

He's just taking a little break.

This sort of thing happens all the time.

You just keep playing.

I can't. I can't.

Sure you can. Sure you can.

[LAUGHS] He's just resting.

Right, Yetta?

Sure.

Sweetheart, I'm next in line

for that Italian guy's corner room with the bidet.

Can you play the tarantella?

[GROANS]

I just spent four hours putting together a gazebo for Miss Babcock's terrace.

Miss Babcock doesn't have a terrace.

Now we both know.

Chop-chop. I need to hem my aunt's dress.

Since when do you sew?

Since I spent $37 on a dummy.

- [PLAYING PIANO OFFKEY] - Come on, play!

Play! Play!

I can't. I can't.

I told you, I don't ever wanna play again.

Maybe a nice piece of cheesecake would induce a little "Muskrat Love?"

I can't eat when I'm upset.

Oh, that's right. Your mother's a Gentile.

Maybe if you played at our home, it'd snap you out of it.

No. Wait.

They don't want piano players.

Some kid just killed a guy.

Val, if he's this traumatized by seeing an old man die

what's he gonna do when he sees Mr. Sheffield tear me apart?

- He's gonna turn into Tommy. - [SIGHS]

I know what he's going through.

I saw my grandfather die after his lung machine suddenly stopped.

Oh, it was so sad.

Because I brought him a tape of our glee club

and just when I found a place to plug it in...

he went.

Val!

I didn't know you had a tape of our glee club.

Yeah.

You know, Fran, maybe Keith's father won't be that upset.

My parents were fine when I gave up my musical career

after seven years of lessons.

Yeah, but, Val, you knew you were never gonna be great

at playing the triangle.

His father is just gonna freak. And how long can I stall

before Mr. Sheffield is gonna find out?

[MR. SHEFFIELD] Miss Fine!

There goes seeing The English Patient.

Mr. Sheffield, Mr. Sheffield

just because I've deprived the world of the next Victor Borge

does not mean that his father is gonna take out

the $5 million from your show?

Miss Fine, I was just calling to see if you took my Wite-Out again

for your French tips. You what?

What have you done to Tom's son?

Well, I took him to Yetta's home

and a man with a toe on his thumb died in front of him.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't believe this.

Well, neither can I until I shook hands with a bunion.

Look, Mr. Sheffield, even if the worst happens

you'll get another investor for your show.

Not after I spent a week taking the story and jokes out of it!

Let's just hope Bette Midler's charity's smart enough to cash that check fast.

Well, look, he's not going to take it out

on the whole show business community

just because I made one itty, bitty mistake.

Don't bet the kibbutz,bubbe.

The kid called his father and now he's pulling all his money out of my charity!

Oh, that littlepisher must have called him

when I took him to Bloomingdales.

You went to Bloomingdales after someone had died?

Well, it always makes me feel better.

Oh, Miss Midler, I-- I'm so sorry.

I-- I usually never make mistakes like this.

Ignore his shocked expression.

Listen, I'll do anything to make it up to.

Just tell me what I should do.

Start running.

Oh, Miss Midler.

I'm one of your biggest fans.

That's a shocker.

[GRUNTING]

Stop hitting me with that purse!

- Now, what's wrong with this picture? - I give up.

We're Jewish, we're running, and there's macaroons over there.

Are they fresh?

- Who cares? - Who cares?

BOTH: Mmm!

[CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYING]

Miss Fine? Miss Fine, how did you do this?

It's not important how.

What's important is it was done.

How was it done?

I think I've learned a thing or two from somebody around here.

- It was me. - It was me.

Okay, Ringo, are we back in the saddle, babe?

Well, it seems that way.

You get your parks cleaned, I get to do my show.

Now, I just have to persuade Tom the third act is worse

than the first two.

Oh, if push comes to shove, you'll just cast it really bad.

And there's your leading lady now.

Oh, you don't have to thank me.

It's my gift to you.

Well, just finish out the hour and send him home.

Oh, you're welcome.

[DEVIOUS LAUGH]

Oh, Niles.

All those years of kneading dough really paid off.

You know what?

Let's lose the sheet. I'm not shy.

How much longer do we have to go?

MORTY: Fifteen minutes.

How can that be, Morty? You said that 15 minutes ago.

I'm going by the VCR clock.

You have five minutes to go.

Five minutes?

Then let's take it all off. I'm not embarrassed.

[♪♪♪]