Original subtitles

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]

Oh, I just love MTV.

Oh, have you seen Olivia Newton-John's latest hit "Let's Get Physical"?

Have you seen MTV since 1982?

Do you have a prayer of ever going out on another date before you're 40?

Do I?

- Oh, Fran, look, there's Tasha. - Mm.

You've gotta see this video. I love her.

Oh, she's so angry and bitter.

Oh, honey, if angry and bitter is what turns you on

just come to my next bridesmaid's fitting.

Margaret. Listening to angst-ridden youth rock

before the limo takes you to figure skating class?

Daddy, Tasha's lyrics speak to a lot of people.

Yeah, especially her latest hit song.

"I'm Going to Grow Old and Die Waiting for You."

No, Tasha never wrote anything like--

Honey, go learn to figure eight, would you?

Well, at least Tasha has a creative outlet for her angst.

Maybe I should write a hit song.

I mean, if misery is what gets you a hit record

my diary isSergeant Pepper.

Miss Fine.

- What? - You? You write a hit song?

- Yes. - Miss Fine, take it from someone

in showbiz.

It takes ability. It takes talent.

It takes a sixth sense to know when you got a hit.

This from a man who casts Debby Boone

as Yentl the Yeshiva Boy?

I can't believe you're being so unsupportive.

I mean, I finally find something that I'm good at, and all of a sudden--

Good at? You haven't even done it yet.

- Well, I have a sixth sense. - Oh, you're insane.

Oh, come on, Miss Fine.

Oh, just stay out of my space, please.

Well, first of all, it happens to be my space and my couch, my table

my nanny.

So now I'm your nanny.

Well, excuse me, but I belong to no man.

And if you don't believe me, you just ask my mother.

♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ when everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, Fran, isn't this the coolest?

Oh, it's Tasha's newest song, "Twenty-five, Broke and Living at Home."

Oh, Maggie, this is so freaky.

I just wrote the exact same song last night.

I mean, it's not the same lyrics, it's not the same music

and she's 6 feet tall, but I'm telling you, this is me.

- Nanny Fine. - Yeah?

Let me give you some valuable advice.

Stick to what you know.

Oh, so, what are you telling me, I should just stay a nanny?

I said, stick to what you know.

I don't care what she says.

I am telling you, this is Tasha's next hit.

I just gotta get this to her.

Uh, I don't know, Fran, Tasha's lyrics are awfully dark.

Oh, really? Darker than this?

♪♪ Hate my life, I wanna be a wife ♪♪

♪♪ I'm gonna take a knife to your daddy ♪♪

- Wow, Fran, that is amazing. - Uh-huh.

How did you come up with that?

I don't know.

When Tasha records your song, Mr. Sheffield is gonna eat his words.

I know. Meanwhile,

waiting for Tasha after her concert was a stroke of genius.

We didn't even have to buy tickets or anything.

We didn't?

Oh, no, Val, do not tell me that you spent 50 bucks a ticket

and we're standing out here like twoshmegegges.

- No, no. - Oh, good.

Two hundred. I got them from a scalper.

Oh!

Please, just remember this moment

next time you brag about your mother doing the trampoline into her eighth month.

Oh, stop.

Oh, here comes Tasha.

Okay, we'll just follow her

into the limo and then I'm gonna turn to her

and say, "Why are you Mrs. Steve Allen?"

Because I'm too damned old to be Mrs. Woody Allen.

Oh, Jayne Meadows, I love you.

Oh, thank you.

- What are you doing here? - Yeah.

I just did Letterman

like he's never been done before.

Tell Steve and you're dead.

You know what?

I think we're at the Letterman theater.

You don't say.

Yeah.

I think we would have been better off at that stage door

you know, with the mob of teenagers.

Oh, you mean that one over there

- with all the kids screaming "Tasha"? - Tasha, Tasha, Tasha!

Oy, in the limo.

Oh, no, my song, my song. I gotta get her my song.

Quick, jump in this cab. Hurry.

Follow that limo.

Don't worry, honey, we'll split the fare.

Faster, faster! Don't lose them.

- [TIRES SQUEAL] - [HORN HONKING]

- Turn, turn! - [YELLING]

- Stop! - Stop!

VAL: Fran, how are we ever gonna get in to see Tasha?

FRAN: What? Val, I am simply going to introduce myself

as a legitimate songwriter.

Maid service.

- All right. Just make it quick. - Okay.

- Tasha's working. - Oh.

Didn't you bring any soap, shampoo, stuff for the bathroom?

Oh, she wants the shampoos.

- Let's put them back in. - All right.

- Here. Here you go. - Yeah.

What do we do now?

I don't know, Val. I'm a nanny, not a maid.

What's the difference?

Oh, that is so cold, Val.

Let me go check now and see what's going on in there.

Turn on the vacuum so it looks like we're working.

- There she is, there she is. - Oh, let me see.

[SHOUTING]

[SCREAMING]

Val, shut off that vacuum!

What the hell is going on out here? What is all this screaming?

Well, uh, we were trained by Leona Helmsley

so when we do something wrong, we must verbally abuse ourselves.

- Bad maid! - No good!

I'm done in the bathroom if you wanna go in there now.

Oh, no, thank you.

You know, we went before we left the house.

Man, this song sucks.

I am so burnt out!

I can't write anymore!

Why can't I get in touch with my anger?

Well, isn't that nice?

Now, the new girl is gonna have to

make the whole bed over again.

I'm out of here.

I gotta get some stimulus.

I'm going to Central Park.

I'm completely out of touch with what's going on in the world.

I mean, what is this Kinko's I keep seeing?

What happens there?

Excuse me.

I've been to Kinko's.

I'll tell you, you want a dose of reality

just try getting the student discount under those fluorescent lights.

- Is that a hard lot. - Absolutely.

Who are you?

What's your name?

Um, Concepcion.

Concepcion.

You are exactly what I've been looking for.

You are the voice of the people.

And not just the people.

Dogs hear me too.

Just put some mints on the pillow and leave.

Oh, no, she wants the mints now.

- Give them the mints. - What's the big deal?

- We're not getting anything for free. - I know. Nothing.

There you go.

Let's get to work, Tasha.

We've got an album to put together.

Elaine, you are such a slave driver.

She never lets me out of her sight.

That's why I don't have one friend.

Oh! We'll be your friends.

She only wants one, Val.

I'm either in a hotel or on a Learjet.

I never talk to anyone who knows anything.

I need to be with the people.

- Hello. - Hello.

The downtrodden.

- Talk to me. - Say it, girlfriend.

A working-class stiff.

- Hallelujah. - Hallelujah.

Where do you think you're going?

Excuse me, but she needs to be around

some hardship and suffering.

Come on, let's go back to my place.

Cool. Where do you live?

Oh, it's right on Park Avenue, next door to the French Embassy.

Come in, come in.

Mr. Sheffield, Tasha's in the house.

Your friend, Val, is really cool.

Oh, you know, I hope you're not insulted

that she didn't come back here with us

but, you know, she really hit it off with that Jayne Meadows.

Mr. Sheffield, Tasha's here to hear my song.

You're a songwriter?

Oh, didn't I mention that?

Actually, I'm a nanny.

I thought you were one of the unwashed masses.

Oh, no, I just borrowed this from hotel laundry.

I guess that explains why I'm a little fruhstucken.

First Kinko's, nowfruhstucken?

Life is passing me by.

I know.

Oh, my God.

Tasha, I'd like you to meet Gracie

- Hello. - and Maggie.

[AWKWARDLY GIGGLES]

And this one got accepted to Columbia University.

Come on, let's go.

Wow, what should we do now?

Let's hear my song. Okay. Niles!

Mm-hmm.

MAN ON TAPE: You can get women.

Embrace your sensual energy. Simply do the--

- Wrong side. - Yeah, thanks.

[POP MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪ Are you blind or what? ♪♪

♪♪ Are you a man or a mouse? ♪♪

♪♪ I wanna keep my pride ♪♪

♪♪ But can I still live in this house? ♪♪

[CACKLING]

♪♪ I want true love, my one real wish ♪♪

♪♪ But instead I got you You cold British fish ♪♪

[CACKLING]

Hah?

Wow, Fran, you're bad.

Hey, I'm down with that, T.

No, I mean, really bad, likefruhstucken.

Oh.

I was hoping your song was more about struggle and strife.

I need to get in touch with people with pain, angst, desperation.

Well, howdy doody?

Oh, my God, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

And you'll be happy to know you were right.

I have no talent.

Tasha here hates my song.

- [WHINES] - Oh.

Oh, it's okay, Miss Fine, you're a beginner.

Your talent just needs to be nurtured a bit.

No. She stinks.

[WHINING]

How can you be so cruel?

Do you have any idea what this woman has been through?

Let's start with her being dumped by her fiancé.

She has no job skills.

I keep her on as a nanny, yet my children can practically vote.

Isn't it bad enough that she tells me I have no talent?

Do you have to do a recap of my whole miserable life?

No.

This stuff I can use.

Tell her about the time I almost married my cousin.

Oh, look at your shiny new coat.

Been adding cod liver oil to your diet?

[LAUGHS]

- You know, Niles, you are funny. - Mm.

You seem to have a newfound self-assurance.

- Really? - Yes.

You know, with this kind of confidence,

you can get women.

Embrace your sensual energy.

- Oh, sir, may I help you with that? - Oh, no, no, no.

You just stand there and look beautiful. Well, of course, I want you to help me.

Why is everyone picking on me all of a sudden?

Oh, we're just jealous.

Of your sensual energy.

Is nothing sacred in this house?

That's good coming from the captain ofStarship Yenterprise.

Hold this.

Where is Miss Fine? I wanna have a serious talk with her.

I believe she's getting dressed. She's going out with Tasha.

Oh, God.

She's getting so carried away being Tasha's muse.

I mean, doesn't she realize that being some star's sycophant

and hanger-on doesn't make her part of the creative process?

No. It makes you a producer.

You know, I wouldn't run with this new, confident Niles.

The old butt-kissing one had a job.

Uh, I didn't do my homework.

Why are you telling me?

Because I need to be punished.

Oh, what's the matter? The nose ring? You don't like it?

Oh, I can get rid of it.

-[SCREAMS] -[BOTH SHOUT]

It's a clip-on, you wimps.

Oh, Miss Fine, please sit down.

- I need to have a serious talk with you. - Okay.

Oh, boy, now I know why these rockers are so bitter and angry.

Miss Fine, sometimes I look at you and you seem so innocent.

Well, not tonight, but.

Miss Fine, I worry about you.

Aww.

I think you're spending too much time with Tasha.

Look, Mr. Sheffield, I am not neglecting my duties

and I have to have a creative outlet too.

I mean, Tasha's about to cut a new album.

She needs her muse.

- I miss you. - I'll call in sick.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Niles. - [DOORBELL RINGS]

Niles!

- [DOORBELL RINGS] - Oh, I'll get it.

You know, we really should get more help around here.

I mean, I just have a lot going on.

Hey, Fran. How's my muse?

Tashala, I'm exquisite.

Mr. Sheffield, can you just give me a minute?

Listen, honey, this really isn't a good time.

I think Mr. Sheffield is about to make a move.

But I'll give you something so you don't walk away empty-handed.

They cut up my credit cards at Bloomie's. There's your hook. Go write a chorus.

You're happy. What changed?

Well, uh, Mr. Sheffield said that he misses me.

Oh, I should have gone back into the workplace a long time ago.

All right. Well, then, see you around. Have a nice life.

Hey.

My fans wanna hear about broken hearts and shattered dreams.

I'm glad things are going so good, but that's not stuff I can use.

Well, that's it, then? It's over?

My audience can only relate to the old you, the loser.

Well, one call from my mother and I'm back.

Fran, chill.

It's okay to be happy.

I'm happy you're happy.

You're happy I'm happy?

Boy, I gotta get me some more Gentile friends.

- [DOORBELL RINGS] - Oh, no. Just wait a minute here.

- Hi, Val. - Oh, Fran, you're not gonna believe

- what happened to me. - What?

Someone took my tokens, stole my purse.

- [GASPS] - It's like I'm cursed.

♪♪ Someone took my tokens ♪♪

♪♪ They stole my purse ♪♪

♪♪ It's like I'm cursed ♪♪

Do you live with your parents?

Well, yeah, but I got privacy.

We just installed one of those accordion doors.

Do you have a boyfriend?

[LAUGHS]

Mr. Sheffield.

[WHINING] Mr. Sheffield.

Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, there you are, Mr. Sheffield. I'm so depressed.

Tasha, she dumped me for Val.

Now she's gonna have enough material for an anthology.

Oh, Miss Fine, this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Oh, maybe I'm not so special, maybe I'm not that creative.

Maybe this is as good as I get.

Insert nice sentiment here.

Miss Fine, there is no one as special as you.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you always know when to say something sweet.

Here's to new creative outlets.

You know, Miss Fine, you're far too groovy

for the music industry anyway.

You know, they are using "groovy" again nowadays.

Yeah, I know, but when it comes out of your mouth, it just sounds like leftovers.

Oh, do you guys care if I watch MTV?

They're showing Tony Bennett Unplugged.

You know Tony Bennett?

Tony is the man.

Would you join us in the '90s, Dad?

[FRAN LAUGHS]

Oh, Tony Bennett.

You see, you're back in, Mr. Sheffield.

Well, right on. Slap me five.

And out you go.

MAN ON TAPE:Congratulations. You've made it to the end of tape 10.

And now, your most important lesson

which will guarantee success with women.

[TAPE DISTORTS]

- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS] - ♪♪ But instead I got you You cold British fish ♪♪

[FRAN CACKLING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]