Original subtitles

I don't know why I applied to Princeton.

I'll never get in with my SAT scores.

Honey, you wanna get in, forget your SAT scores.

Just attach your father's TRW.

Fran, I have to go to an out-of-town college.

If I stay in this house,

I'm not gonna have any social life.

Oh, it's the house?

It's amazing. You win three Tonys

and suddenly everyone's returning your phone calls.

Miss Fine, you'll never guess

who's agreed to star in my new show.

[GASPS] Don't tell me it's the woman

that was snubbed by the Academy

for Best Director for the best motion picture

ever made, "Yentl"?

Miss Fine, let me ask you something.

If Barbra Streisand and your mother were both drowning,

who would you save?

Well, I'd save my mother.

Barbra can walk on water.

I give up. Well, I got Morgan Faulkner.

Oh, my God, I love Morgan Faulkner.

Morgan Faulkner?

Ha!

I went to high school with her when she was Marcy Feldman.

Well, she happens to be a great actress.

And one hell of a magician.

She made half her nose disappear between 10th and 11th grade.

Now, you behave yourself. She'll be here in a few minutes.

Oh, well, I'm going upstairs.

I can't stand to be around people

who are ashamed of who they are.

Don't you even want to see her?

And have her find out I'm a nanny? Have you gone mental?

We were the most popular girls

in high school and very competitive.

- What happened between you? - Well, I'm a maid

and she's on the cover of Elle. I'd say we have a winner.

[♪♪♪]

♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Sylvia has invited us over for the Jewish holiday.

Now, is this the holiday Miss Fine said

you can't eat all day then stuff yourself,

or the one where you light candles then stuff yourself,

or the one where you build a straw hut then stuff yourself?

I believe it's where you hide crackers from small children

and then stuff yourself.

Ah. Passover.

You know, Maxwell, I don't wanna look a gift horse in the mouth, but--

Then don't floss in a mirror.

Why is Nanny Fine hiding from Morgan Faulkner?

Ugh. They were at high school together

and Miss Fine's a little embarrassed

about being a nanny.

Oh. What about you?

Aren't you embarrassed about being a butler?

- I don't know Morgan Faulkner. - No. I mean, in general.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Morgan, do come in.

Oh, I am so thrilled to be working with you.

Wait two weeks and see if you say that.

Oh!

I'm his partner, C.C. Babcock.

It's a pleasure.

Wait five minutes and see if you say that.

Oh...Miss Faulkner, I am such a big fan.

I got your autograph at the Whiskey Bar.

- The Whiskey Bar? - I'm sorry. I don't remember.

Oh, why would you? I was never there.

Your daughter's very beautiful.

Is there a Mrs. Sheffield?

Are my ears burning?

Morgan, it's Fran.

Fran Fine.

From Hillcrest High.

Miss Fine, Morgan meets so many people.

Well, why doesn't she recognize me?

She's the one that got everything changed.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that Fran Fine.

Don't tell me you're Mrs. Sheffield?

Well, let's just say, we don't need to sign a piece of paper.

But the kids adore me. I live here.

You fill in the blanks.

So you're the nanny.

And the blanks are filled.

[♪♪♪]

Ma, how come you're cooking for 12

when Passover's a week away?

What Passover?

I did five minutes of a Jane Fonda tape.

I feel lightheaded.

Ma, do you ever question

the choices that you make in life?

Sometimes I'm sitting across the table from your father...

- Yeah. - ...and I look at his face...

- Yeah? - And I wonder,

is he gonna finish that lamb chop?

I'm wondering what Jane Fonda tape

you were exercising to? "Klute"?

Ma, put the fork down for two seconds.

I'm very upset about something.

Mr. Sheffield hired Morgan Faulkner

to star in his new play.

Darling, what's bothering you?

That she's a big star and you're a maid?

Mamaleh, don't look into other people's windows.

You never know what someone's life is truly like.

You see the woman across the alley?

For years, I envied her fancy apartment,

and then, one day, I realized,

she was born blind.

Well, what makes you think that?

Her bedroom window looks directly into ours

and she has never even looked.

Ma, she wasn't born blind. She made herself that way.

[♪♪♪]

Mmm...

What's cooking?

Oh, I've been experimenting with recipes

for your mother's seder.

I've made kreplach, knaidlach, tsimmis and gribenes.

Yummy.

Boy, Niles, you're really taking this seriously, aren't you?

Oy, I've been eating like a chazer.

My pants I can't zip

and when are you getting married already?

You know, it takes a lot more

to being Jewish than just cooking.

There's a whole other wiener you gotta schnitzel, mister.

Where's Mr. Sheffield?

He's with Miss Fancy-Shmancy movie star, big shot.

You know, this is getting scary.

Quick, eat a piece of ham. Play a sport.

You're far more sanguine

about Miss Faulkner than you were yesterday.

Well, first of all, welcome back.

Second of all, I'm trying.

You know, I don't like to look through windows.

Fine. All right. Thank you.

Just wait till you see

this marquee, Morgan. It just went up.

My name better be above the title.

Well, of course it is.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Excuse me.

Hi, Morgan. I didn't know you were here.

Oh, I'm sorry. Do you need to clean in here?

For your information, I don't clean.

I'm not even a real nanny.

I'm in the witness protection program.

Oh, come on, Fran, you don't need to pretend.

It's just me, two-time Academy Award winning Morgan Faulkner.

Did I mention I just did a pilot?

Really? What airline?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I--

I shouldn't look through windows.

You know, your life seems very glamorous,

but I'm sure you live like a gypsy.

You don't even have a real home.

Well, actually, I have a compound in Malibu.

But you're lonely. You don't have any real friends.

Well, I don't get to see Demi and Uma as often

because I'm dating a Kennedy.

Does your mother live at the compound?

Well, I hardly ever see her.

She moved to Boca.

Would you fill out this lotto card for me, please?

Fran, I got rejected from Princeton and Vassar.

Oh, sweetie, come here.

Maggie, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't even go to college.

Really?

I didn't go to college either.

I know what that girl needs.

I just lost my assistant. It's a great job. It's exciting.

- She'll meet celebrities. - Wait a minute.

You can't give a kid like that a job.

Not when I've known you since high school.

Can't you throw me a bone?

[LAUGHS]

[SOBBING] I can't believe

Morgan took away the only daughter I never had.

How many shiksa goddesses do they think I got in me?

You know, for dessert at your mother's Passover,

I thought I'd bring some nice fresh fruit.

You're gonna slide a cheesecake under that, aren't you?

Oh, you're not going to want

a rich dessert after such a heavy meal?

Yeah, we are.

Niles, take a look at this poster for the show.

Doesn't Morgan look incredibly...

[WHISTLES]

...old, old.

Oh, I wanna see.

Oh, she looks gorgeous.

Oh, is it retouched?

No. Yes.

Oh, Maxwell, I just saw the posters of Morgan.

- They are-- - Oh, C.C., C.C., ahem.

Miss Fine is a little sensitive about Morgan right now.

Oh, thank you.

Doesn't she look stunning?

I mean, hot, sexy.

Why are you being so hurtful?

I've got nothing.

I make minimum wage.

I don't have a man in my life.

I'm probably gonna die alone like a dog.

Here.

Oh, Nanny Fine, I am so sorry.

Oh, I feel terrible.

Got guilt?

Oh, I would have made such a good mother.

Oh, look at this. It's almost 9:00.

What kind of an irresponsible idiot

keeps a kid out on a school night? I'll never know.

All right, I'm going to Eric's. Be back in a couple of hours.

Okay, honey. Have fun.

Miss Fine, do you think your anger and dismay

could possibly be coming from a belief

that Morgan has something that you haven't?

Like what? Other than it all?

This isn't about me and Morgan.

Ever since Maggie took this job, I never see her.

I have nothing to do all day.

You could take care of my other two children.

No, I'm distancing myself from them.

I owe them money.

Oh, Dad, this job is so exciting.

Morgan is fabulous. I'm learning so much from her.

She's killing me!

Now, now, Miss Fine,

this job is the best thing that could have happened to her.

Cool. Because I'm going to Europe with her

and I'm not going to college.

She's killing me!

[♪♪♪]

Look at this.

I just figured out how to add 10 more seats in the theater.

Lose the damn wheelchair row.

My daughter is not giving up college

to go to Europe as Morgan's gofer.

Why would anyone want to spend their entire life

waiting on someone hand and foot like a bloody lackey?

For the glory, sir.

Would you look at the beak Morgan had in high school?

You know, her first acting job

was sitting on Baretta's shoulder.

[BOTH LAUGH]

How is Margaret gonna make anything of herself

if she doesn't go to college?

I know four years at Oxford opened a lot of doors for me.

[WINDOW SQUEAKING]

If Margaret isn't gonna listen to me,

I'm gonna go down there and make Morgan fire her.

Well, you could lose her forever if you do that.

- Oh, C.C., my daughter isn't-- - Not the string bean. Morgan.

Mr. Sheffield, I'll go and take care of it.

I mean, you're not gonna get Morgan to fire Maggie.

The whole concept of firing eludes you.

Look who you've got on the payroll:

Harpo, Groucho and Drain-o.

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Would you please tell this guy that I am not a hooker?

It's okay. I know her.

FRAN: Hmph.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you wanna come in?

Yes.

Look, I'm gonna make this short and sweet.

Oh, "Evita" is playing on pay-per-view.

Can we talk in a couple hours?

Fran, I need to get down to rehearsal.

What's on your mind?

Well, Mr. Sheffield wants Maggie to go to college.

He does not want her schlepping around after you.

Personally, I think she's a blond heiress

with legs up to here

so higher education isno es necesito.

But it's your job to make Mr. Sheffield happy.

Oh, from your mouth to God's ears.

He is cute.

And impotent, a tragic irony.

God, this takes me right back to high school.

I can see why we never got along.

Well, you were always acting superior to me,

bossing me around all the time.

Oh, that is ridiculous.

Zip me up.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

- Get that. - Oh, wait a minute.

We're going right back into our old patterns.

You don't want cracked crab?

Oh, maybe this one last time.

Mmm. Yummy.

Fran, I don't know what the big deal is.

Maggie won't be an assistant forever.

She'll make connections. She'll go places.

If I'd listened to my father,

I'd be working in that bridal shop in Flushing.

Well, you know, you and me, we got out.

But Maggie is not the mover and shaker that we are.

- Hi. - Sweetie.

Oh, hi, angel.

Oh, this job is so cool.

Today, I met Woody Allen.

- Oh, is that exciting? - I know.

You stay away from him.

Now, listen, honey, I know that you think

that this job beats going to college,

but I just hope that someday you don't regret it.

Well, how do I know I'm gonna regret it?

I can't dwell on all the negative,

horrible things that might happen in the future.

I keep forgetting you're not Jewish.

Crab?

[♪♪♪]

Happy Pesach!

- So did we say that right? - Beautiful.

Look, I hope this brisket goes with what you're serving.

Oh, it's perfect with potato latkes.

Assuming that you brought some.

I just want to thank you, Silvia, for inviting me.

Oh, please, Niles, you're like family.

Is there anything else I can do?

Well, you prepared the food, I guess it's only right

that you have the pleasure of serving it too.

Would you start with the gefilte fish?

And maybe you'll make a little radish rosette?

Sweetheart, before you make yourself comfortable,

would you bring Uncle Morty his holiday hair?

Hi, everybody. Mr. Sheffield, Happy Passover.

Miss Fine, where's Margaret? Why isn't she with you?

Well, let's see, going to a club with Johnny Depp

or sucking on whitefish bones?

Oh, I see. She's gonna finish out the day,

then she's fired and going to college?

Oh, well, actually,

I sort of let her make that decision.

You what?! Are you out of your mind?

All right. Tomorrow, I'll fire her. But first, I'll practice on you.

Shh!

This is the holiday where we don't yell

and then stuff ourselves.

"Why on this night do we eat bitter herbs?"

"To symbolize the bitter

and cruel way we were treated in the pharaoh."

"Why on this night do we dip our foods in saltwater?"

"To remind us of the tears we've shed."

"Why on this night do we recline on a pillow?"

"Because once we were slaves and now we are a free people."

Oh, that was beautiful, sweetheart.

You forgot the last question.

Oh. "When is Daddy gonna marry my daughter already?"

That question was to remind us of my suffering.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Why don't I get that?

Would you?

If she thinks I'm coming for Rosh Hashanah,

she's got another thing coming.

Hi.

- Margaret. - Maggie.

What are you doing here? Why aren't you working?

Actually, I quit. I thought about what Fran said.

Oh, honey. What did I say?

Well, you know, how I'm a blond heiress, and I needed--

Fast forward. Fast forward.

But that I don't want to regret not going to college someday.

Ohh...

Did you tape "Evita"?

- I'm so glad, sweetheart. - Here. Sit down.

You're rehired, Harpo.

You know what? She is such a slave driver.

I walk in there, she wants me to turn around,

drive to the airport in rush hour

to pick up Barbra Streisand and James--

Brolin? Give me the keys!

Give me the keys! Give me the keys!

Oh, it's the miracle of Passover!

The Messiah is coming!

[ALL GROANING]

Does everyone eat like this

on the Jewish holiday, Miss Fine?

Why do you think we wandered the desert for 40 years?

We were walking off the meal.

I'll never eat again.

I'm so full.

I can't even move.

You know, call me crazy,

but I could go for a little sweet.

You know, I could--

I could go for a little piece of cheesecake.

NILES: Oh, I made some strudel.

GRACE: You know, I could have some napoleons.

[♪♪♪]