Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Has anyone seen my tropical getaways brochure?

You know, B, you didn't have to steal it.

I was gonna donate it to the library

under your mattress.

Wait a minute. This isn't my trig book.

Yeah.

Ugh. Guys come up with the lamest excuses.

Oh yeah, like when you told me

that you had the whisker burn all over your face

from kissing my mother. Hello.

Fran, that really happened.

Oh, well, I'll give you that one.

C.C.: Well I wish I could get away for the holidays,

but I just have so much work do.

Cheers. Gotta keep that nose so bright.

Don't you guide his sleigh that night?

[LAUGHS]

[COUGHS]

I've gotta get that flu shot.

Fran, does this mean

that you won't be with us for Christmas?

No, sweetie, your father and I

are taking separate vacations this year.

You know, sometimes when two people

spend a lot of time together,

and one's not willing to commit...

the other has to take the money

that she would've spent on her trousseau,

and drown her sorrows in Bahama Mamas.

You know, it's okay, Fran.

It's not like you and Daddy are married or dating or--

Babbling, sweetie.

Miss Fine, this is ridiculous.

We don't have to take separate vacations.

Look, I really think that it'll be better for us,

and I don't want to argue about it, 'cause my mind's made up.

Well, it's a shame.

I was thinking of chartering a yacht

and cruising off the Greek islands.

Well, nothing's set in stone.

Well, I'd like to discuss this with you in private.

If that's all right with you two.

-Eh... you talking to me? -Oh, did you say something?

Come on. Let's go to my office.

Whoa, Nellie.

Don't you know it's terribly impolite

to listen in on other people's conversations.

This from the man who posed for the RCA dog.

Now, let go of me. I don't want to miss this.

All right, but be careful. I just...

[C.C. SHRIEKS]

[THUD]

...waxed the floor.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

I just don't understand why

you're suddenly taking a separate vacation.

What is the big deal?

It's not like we're one of those needy, co-dependent couples

that have to spend every waking moment with each other.

Right? Where are you going?

I just think the holidays are a time for us to be together.

Like a... a warm loving family.

Well, I got news for you. A warm loving family

requires a legally binding certificate

registered with the state, and Pottery Barn.

Besides, what is this unnatural obsession

with you not wanting me to take a vacation by myself?

[SCOFFS] Well, now I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, no?

I'm taking the entire family on a cruise.

-Where you going? -The Caribbean.

That's fabulous.

Just like me.

I know. We're coming with you.

What?

Now, Miss Fine, wasn't it your idea

that Brighton should have a big bar mitzvah-like to-do?

Yeah, bar mitzvah on land.

We're desert people. We don't like to get wet.

That's why we parted the Red Sea.

Oh, that. Well...

Why can't you just be honest, Mr. Sheffield?

The reason why

you don't want me going on a vacation alone

is because you are terrified that I'm gonna meet someone.

Yes, you are always sabotaging my dates.

Oh, that is ridiculous.

Every one of your dates I've been on,

I behaved like a perfect gentleman.

No, Maxwell, you're welcome to join us.

Oh. Oh well, that sounds...

terribly inconvenient. Couldn't possibly. Good night.

Are you sure?

Well, actually, uh...

-What kind of car does he drive? -A limo.

-Oh, Town Car? -Stretch. It's enormous.

Bigger than mine?

Oy, if it's so important to you, whip yours out of the garage,

and we'll have a limo-measuring contest.

All right, fine.

Take your vacation at some tacky resort

with its tequila shooter night

and, oh, yes, the big "Macarena" marathon.

For your information, this place happens to be nothing like that.

It's very, very classy.

Oh, look, they've got a strip limbo contest.

If that touches, is he disqualified?

Maybe from the contest.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, my God.

-This is beautiful. It's paradise. -Oh, Fran, oh.

Hola

My name is Rico.

Please, ladies, after you.

Oh, well, you know, Rico, in our country,

-it's customary for the man to go first. -Mmhmm.

Really?

God bless America.

-See, Fran, aren't you glad you came with me? -Huh, huh.

You wouldn't be able to flirt with Rico

with Mr. Sheffield all over you,

dancing, smearing you with baby oil,

taking you for cocktails at sunset.

You know Val, this is why my mother

never wanted me to play with you.

-Where's the paint? -It's down there.

Why?

Well, you were in such a rush to get up here,

-I felt so-- -It doesn't matter!

Let's just go down and get it.

Now, unlock your lever when I say "three."

Have you got that, Val? Three.

[SCREAMS] Oh, my God! Val!

Fran, look at all these people.

We're never gonna get on the first bus.

Oh, don't worry. I'll take care of that.

Can you believe that gorgeous two-bedroom apartment

on the corner there for only 400 bucks a month?

Oh, Val, could you believe how stupid those people--?

Val!

Oh, my God! A roach! A roach!

Well, take your shoe off and kill it.

[SQUISHES]

Oh, Val!

-This breeze is just fabulous. -Oh, I know.

-Come on, let's get out of these bulky clothes. -Yeah.

PA ANNOUNCER:Attention guests, a small tropical depression

might be heading for the island.

So there will be free cocktail inside the Lido Pavilion.

-Free cocktails. -Ooh! What's it called? Oh! Oh!

PA ANNOUNCER: Okay, that's cancelled.

Okay, get in!

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Sheffield, a terrible hurricane

is gonna hit the island that Franny is on.

My baby is gonna die.

Oh, Sylvia.

Hold me. Don't be such a Gentile.

Sylvia, I know. I've heard.

But it's... it's all-- It's gonna be all right. Come on.

It's times like this you look up to God

and ask, "Why? Why?"

Well, now, we can't ask why, Sylvia.

It's nature. It's random. It's--

No. Why don't you marry my daughter?

She'd be home safe with us right now.

Now, Sylvia, I appreciate you're upset,

but I'd prefer not to discuss something

that's really between Miss Fine and myself.

Make an exception.

How often am I here?

MAXWELL: Here they are, Naomi and Wynonna.

Do I smell banana fritters with fresh fruit compote?

No.

Could I?

Ma!

Miss Taylor, I'd like you to meet my mother.

Sylvia Fine.

This meeting bestows an honor upon me

which is unparalleled within my universe.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[HEAVY WIND BLOWING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

I told them no salt!

[WIND STOPS]

-Oh, my God. Sun! Sun! -Oh, sun!

-[BOTH GROAN] -[WIND BLOWS]

-Did I get anything? -No!

Oy, Fran, I'm scared. This is like a real hurricane.

Calm down, Val!

If it gets really bad,

we could always tie ourselves to something sturdy!

-This will do. -Oh, oh.

C.C.:If you hadn't waxed the stupid floor,

this never would have happened.

Oh, come on, don't be such a baby.

You're really getting the hang of it.

[WHIRRING]

I'm hungry.

Well, it's your fault for not showing up for lunch.

I was waiting in the dining room for hours.

But I served upstairs in the solarium.

Why didn't you--? Oh.

You wouldn't be able to torture me like this

if I wasn't in this chair.

But you are, Babs, you are.

-Coffee? -Yes, please.

Ow!

This is ridiculous.

I don't know why that stupid store doesn't deliver.

Oh, they do.

Oh, dear, I wonder if I can catch her.

Oh, Miss Babcock.

Maxwell, darling, is that you?

Shh.

[GENTLY] Don't turn around.

[BLOWS AIR]

I'm yours.

Tell me what you want me to do.

[GENTLY] Cluck like a chicken.

What?

It turns me on.

[CLUCKING]

[CLUCKING]

[CLUCKING]

[CLUCKING]

[CLUCKING]

[SCREAMS]

-Oh, get out of my way. -Oh.

-[WHIRRING] -Oh, oh, Niles.

Oh, God, this thing is stuck. How do I stop it?

Hold on, I'll get the manual.

-MAXWELL:Niles, are you busy? -Free as a bird, sir.

Niles!

Niles!

Niles!

REPORTER [OVER RADIO]: Hurricane Diane continues a path of destruction

and is bearing down on the Caribbean. Stay tuned.

Niles, I'm awfully worried.

What if she dies?

Oh, I'll feed her eventually, sir.

I'm just screwing with her head.

I'm talking about Miss Fine.

What if something happens to her?

She'll never know how I feel about her.

No one knows.

No one kno--?

-[BANGS ON TABLE] -Hello.

Niles, what am I gonna do?

These costumes are gonna be ghastly.

Was C.C. right?

I mean, have I let my judgment be impaired

by my feelings for Miss Fine?

-What feelings are those, sir? -Well, you know.

-No, I don't, sir. -Oh, come on, Niles.

Oh, but you'd feel so much better if you just said it.

Oh, perhaps you're right.

Maybe I should just admit that--

-Knock, knock. -Oh, wait!

Why is she throwing herself at him anyway?

I mean, it's not as if she's never seen a good-looking man before.

I've been known to turn a few heads

in my time. Right, Niles?

You're a brick...

house.

Mighty, mighty.

What do I have to do to convince her she's desirable?

Well, sir, I'm sure you'll think of something.

I mean, after all, you're a man, she's a woman.

Fill in the blanks.

The children are at school.

She's lying on the sofa.

And if all else fails, what would Pierce Brosnan do?

[HEAVY WIND BLOWING]

I don't know, Val.

Oh, all right. Sela Ward fromSisters.

Yes!

You are so good.

[CRACKLING]

You know what? I'm gonna call the family at home,

let them know that we're okay.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield gave you his phone?

Gave, fell in my purse, who remembers?

-[THUNDER RUMBLING] -[BOTH GASP]

Val! Val, the room is gonna cave in!

We're gonna die!

Shouldn't our life be flashing before our eyes?

Val, we're over 30, single, and in bed with each other.

What life?

[GLASS SHATTERING OUTSIDE]

-Oh, those poor children. -Oh.

They're gonna be lost without my love and attention.

Did you find out who it is yet?

Honey, what did I tell you about snooping?

That there should always be a lookout.

-Good. Go wait in the hall. -Right.

A hickey, Maggie? Did you really think

that you were gonna hide a hickey from me

with a little pressed powder?

You need oil-based concealer.

Oh, just forget it. It's too humiliating.

Well, what could be so humiliating

about being smaller in the locker room?

Master Willie is here with his nanny.

Oh, now, honey, you go make an entrance,

and check yourself like I taught you.

I'm fine.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Well, I am never coming back to this place again.

I ordered room service a half an hour ago.

Do you see a fajita?

[♪♪♪]

Get up. I saw you through the window.

-Wait. Miss Fine, this idea of taking separate vacations -Mr. Sheffield.

-was a horrible idea. -This was a lousy idea.

-I missed you dreadfully. -I had a terrible time.

-I'm so glad you're back. -Let's never do this again.

-What? -What?

-Nothing. -Nothing.

The fact is, you're safe,

and we're all together for the holidays.

Yes, and I am never leaving home again.

Unless, of course, you're dying to take a trip,

then we can always charter a yacht

around the Greek islands.

You know, Miss Fine, this will be

our fourth Christmas together.

It seems like only yesterday you came knocking on our door.

-May I see your résumé, please? -Oh, yeah, sure.

-Crayon? -Lipstick.

Of course. What a lovely shade.

[LAUGHS]

I hate her.

-Now, Brighton, let's not be hasty. -Yeah.

I haven't even sung "Climb Every Mountain" yet.

Miss Fine, you seem to have listed

the queen mother as a reference?

What? Let me see that.

Oh, no. That's not the queen mother.

That's my mother from Queens.

I can't believe that was four years ago

and still I'm only two years older.

You didn't think I could handle this job,

but I turned out to be quite a professional.

While you're here, tell me, should I take this back?

Uh, I think you should put it on.

I already had it on. It flattens out my--

Oh, Mr. Sheffield! Why didn't you say anything?

Well, I didn't notice.

You didn't-- You know, I'm beginning to wonder about you too.

Oh, I can't get it on. I'm stuck.

-Help me. Help me. -Relax, Miss Fine, we'll get it on.

No, rip it out.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield. I'm so hot.

I can't do this standing up.

Let's... let's get on the bed.

If you let me tell Miss Babcock about this,

I'll work free for a year.

Miss Fine, remember who signs your check.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm not gonna hit you with this.

-[GASPS] -Fake out.

Friends?

Oh, all right, friends.

Come here.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Look, stop it! Don't! Stop!

Stop! Don't! No!

But, you know, Mr. Sheffield, out of all the memories,

-you know which one was my favorite? -Mm?

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Mazel tov.

You may kiss the bride.

["WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING]

Oh, Miss Fine, that never happened.

I threw that one in for you guys.

Happy holidays.

FRAN:Niles, I got you invited to Greece.

Why can't you just relax and enjoy it?

NILES:Well, I'm sorry but I can't help feeling

that I left something on in the kitchen.

[WHIRRING]

[♪♪♪]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]